Transcript
Automatic transcript; may contain mistakes, especially in Hebrew.
This week's question is when I was dating my husband, how scaphically we were on the same page. He made time to go to Minyan and made time for learning. Now that we have started our life together, married, it seems to be like he isn't as serious as he was when we were dating. He has not made learning a priority and misses Minyan and ends up davening at work, home, or school. I'm not sure how to approach this. Well, this is a tough situation. Situation Sometimes life gets in the way of the things that we really want to do It could very well be that your husband wasn't lying to you when you were dating But when a guy is in Yeshiva and he's dating It's sort of easier to be able to maintain a person's schedule. They have minion in Yeshiva They have learning they're in a growth oriented environment One of the challenges that guys have is what happens when they leave?
And the reason that they have this challenge is because they've been living within the Tevah of Yeshiva And within the Tevah of Yeshiva everything is set up for you There's Mignonim, Starim, G'hevra, Rebbeim All of a sudden a guy leaves Yeshiva and all of a sudden he's got these tremendous challenges Now he has to leave his apartment to go to Minyan And he has a wife, and he has a job, and he's in school There are so many responsibilities that sometimes they become overwhelming So the first thing I would tell you is really do your best to be sympathetic to the situation that your husband is in. I'm sure he's not proud of the way that he's behaving either. Maybe he is. I don't know him for sure. But I doubt from the way that you're describing him, if you authentically was that guy who was making time for minyan and making time for learning when he was in Yeshiva, I can't imagine that he's proud of himself now when he's davening at work.
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I imagine that he kind of feels a little bit like a loser. Like all the things that I was learning in Yeshiva I'm not able to put into practice. Very rarely does a person grow from negative feedback. Truly a person grows when they have a safe space for them to experience the full range of who they are and then they can come to a choice that flows from their essence. So number one, and this might be difficult for you, it's important not to be judgmental. It's important not to look at him with a negative eye, but with a positive eye understanding the struggle of what he's going through. Having said that, you have a right to talk to him about his behavior, not to control his behavior, but to talk to him about it. And here's why. Because you're building a family together, the way that both of you behave sets the tone and the standard for the family. And because it sets the tone and the standard for the family, we have to have Eretz Yom Tov building bayis neeman b'yisrael Ch'inach comes from the home And therefore
It's important to have a conversation with your husband about it now to hear from him and really listen what exactly is the nature of his struggle and to give him that space to experience that and then to be able to say I guess for me I just I only want to encourage you to do your best to make Minyan and to find time for learning V'Havachomir It's going to be difficult then, and I really just want to make sure that we have the home and that we're setting ourselves up for success. There's nothing wrong with having that conversation. Just like he would have that conversation with you if you were doing something that he felt wasn't going to bring a positive, growth-oriented energy into the home. I'll finish by saying this. Today's balabhatim are heroes. A guy who wakes up in the morning and he goes to a house with a friend. He's here with us in his house.
Kolol bokehr minyan work learning on the train W I'm living in Eretz Yisrael and I'm blown away. In America too, I don't mean to say Eretz Yisrael as opposed to America, but just I'm living in Eretz Yisrael so I see them here. Guys who are waking up for Vasikin and then spending their time in the base marriage and learning tafiyyemi on the train, it's mamish unbelievable, but it's really really hard. And you as his wife have a tremendous opportunity to encourage him with positivity, with light and with hope to be able to Azar Hashem to build that type of family.
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