Transcript
Automatic transcript; may contain mistakes, especially in Hebrew.
This week's question is, before I got married I would listen to Sherem online and here by him tell their tell me them that if their wife If their wife wants something then that's it. He should do it for Shalom Bayis. While I appreciate the strong emphasis that is being placed on Shalom Bayis I was wondering what my role is as the quote-unquote wife When do I tell my husband he needs to go to a different minion? When do I tell him he can't go to Seder? I once heard a Rav say that he had a long beard and it was a big part of his avodas Hashem So first of all I think that we have to make a very important distinction here. It seems that the shiurim you were listening to were geared towards men and that the Rebbeim were telling them that if their wife comes to them and says, I'd like you to go to a different minion or I'd like you not to go to night-sator, I'd like you to cut your beard, then I'd like you to be a good man.
He Chooses to go to the other minion and ultimately through these communications We grow closer to each other and we find ways of working with each other for example in that case The husband might say that on Mondays and Thursdays he can go to a later minion but on Tuesdays Wednesdays and Fridays He'll go to the earlier minion so in this way so you can satisfy both his wife and himself That's just an example of many different opportunities that that come about when a couple is communicating in a healthy fashion But, just because you say something to your husband does not mean that he is obligated to change. He has to work with you, that's his obligation, to work with you to ensure that you're both getting your needs met. At the same time, it is a very important message for us to share with our talmidim that they have to prioritize their wives. Men will more naturally prioritize things that they have to do rather than places that they have to actually be.
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Be It's also equally important to be a listener, to be someone who is willing to understand your husband's experience. So for example, you may say to your husband that night seder is really difficult for you. And that makes sense because he's out of the house all day and then he comes home at night and you only see him for a short amount of time. And you may feel like you're not getting enough attention in the marriage. And when I say attention, I don't mean childish attention, but I mean you're not paying attention to the actual marriage. And that's important. At the same time you probably also have a value that he does learn at night, especially if he's working during the day. Terah Matayelech, when is his learning going to be? It's important that when we share the way we're feeling, we're not pascaning and saying, this is what I need.
But rather, this is my experience. Only in that way will you both get what you need. You don't want your husband not to learn Torah. You don't want your husband not to go to a minyan. What you may need is for your husband to figure out creative ways together with you so that each of you can have your needs met
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