Transcript
Automatic transcript; may contain mistakes, especially in Hebrew.
You recently discussed the idea that one should not be a Mashgiach for their husband. I struggle to find the balance because I married someone that holds himself to a specific standard nedeshkeit, antashkapha, and it's something that's top priority to me. I struggle when people say that I shouldn't be involved or checking in, because if you were to become more lax in certain areas, I believe that it affects us as a family and impacts our future. I also understand that it's not healthy to keep tabs, because it won't be good for our relationship, so I struggle to find the balance. First of all, I think it's exceptionally impressive that you married someone with such high standards in his Yiddishkeit. I think it says a lot about him, and it certainly says a lot about you. There's no doubt that people like you who place their Yiddishkeit in the center of their lives, who strive to build a relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu and Adirah Bitach Tynem, are also going to work towards building a family that will embody those values.
And there's no doubt that if we were to become more lax in our observance, and our Our children would see that, that would have a deleterious impact on the future of your family. There's no question about it. And yet at the same time, it seems that you recognize that keeping tabs on another person is unhealthy for all of the reasons that we've discussed at length in previous recordings. And so what's the balance? I believe the balance is as follows. Every person in the family has to do the best that they can in order to serve Hakadosh Baruch Hu authentically. We are responsible for ourselves. We all have to be looking inwards. If Chasur Shalom, but it does happen, one of the parties slips, then it becomes a topic for conversation. If we would notice, for example, that our husbands are no longer going to Shachris, or are sleeping late, or are no longer taking their learning with the same seriousness that they once did, then it would be a topic for conversation. The same way, if the wife If we become lax in her observance, it would be a topic of conversation for the husband.
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But what would be the nature of that conversation? Is the nature of that conversation judgmental? Is the nature of that conversation angry or disappointed? Is the nature of that conversation curious? I think when someone becomes lax in their observance, it's important that we seek first to understand and then be understood. What's going on behind the scenes? So for example, if let's say your husband started sleeping late, probably not, especially if you married someone with such high standards, just because he fell off. Perhaps he's feeling a lot of pressure at work. Perhaps he's just exhausted. Coming in in a judgmental and angry fashion into such a communication would certainly not help. And so it's important for us to understand what it is that he's going through. And then to be able to share your feelings about the values that are primary in your Hakadosh Baruch Hu We may notice the observance or lack thereof of our spouse, but that's not the same thing as keeping tabs, and it's certainly not the same thing as taking responsibility. Both the mother and the father,
the husband and the wife, are responsible for the general avira of their home, but their specific observance is individualized, and therefore we cannot keep tabs on our spouse, and we're certainly not responsible. We have to make sure always to check in with ourselves that we're not acting I believe that my children are actually aware of some of these distinctions, but I hope that my children see a loving home, one where the parents respect each other deeply despite sometimes our differences in values, and ultimately I think that provides the safest environment for them to grow up and serve Hakadosh Baruch Hu in their own authentic way. A gift that we can give our spouses is not to take responsibility for them. I hope this was clear. Ha'Zlach Harabah in Building a Beautiful Bayis Neeman B'Yisrael.
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