Chapters
Transcript
Automatic transcript; may contain mistakes, especially in Hebrew.
This week's question is, what do you do if you thought your husband was more into learning slash valued learning more, and now he does not take as much time and is more preoccupied in work and technology? How should I react? How can I encourage my husband to take more time out of his day to be involved with learning? I want my home to be filled with Torah and Kedusha, and I want my children in Mertz Hashem to see us valuing Torah and the love of Torah. It's an excellent question, and it really goes to the core of what we call differentiation. Differentiation means, to put it simply, you are you, and your husband is your husband. And what sometimes can happen, especially when we're talking about a conflict in priorities, is one will bleed into the other, and will start to press and to push in scenarios where it's inappropriate. Your husband has his life. He's started a job. His job is exciting. He's getting Sipa Kanefesh from his job. Perhaps he's getting more Sipa Kanefesh in his job than he ever got in his learning.
He's consumed with responsibility. He wants to provide for his family. And so what happens is that something that may have been important to him is now falling by the wayside. Or, perhaps you're right, perhaps it wasn't as valuable as you once thought it was. Now he's getting more involved in technology because he needs breaks and because that's what happens in life. People tend towards a gravitational pull. So now the question is, what's your responsibility? Responsibility number one, take care of yourself. You do your thing. Your husband will do his. If you want to have a home where your children see role models that value Torah, then take that upon yourself. It's not the husband's responsibility exclusively to role model. It's also the wife's. I myself grew up in a home where I respect my father tremendously. My father was not blessed with a Jewish education. Therefore, his opportunities in learning were more limited. As we got older, my father did get more into learning, preparing Devar Torah for the Shabbos table.
Read the full transcript
Certainly the Pesach Seder was his place. But formal Shiurim and formal learning was never his thing. My mother, on the other hand, was insatiable when it came to learning. Going to Shiurim, delivering Shiurim. My mother also did not grow up with a standard Jewish education. But for her, it was more of a priority. And in our home, we saw it more in our mother. Mother, there's nothing here that says that because your husband is not as into learning, that your home can't be a home that's filled with learning. It might fall more on your shoulders than you initially thought. As for your husband... this is very natural and very normal and there's a life cycle here what happens is that people get started early on in marriage and they lose focus and then they have a clarity of values that comes with time some people never make it back but some people do and some people realize i want my children to see their father learning and so they'll get back into it the most important thing is to be compassionate and understanding especially when it comes to our spouse's frailties.
We have to understand their humanity. Your husband's gotten caught up in his job. He's gotten caught up in his technology. It's very natural. It's very normal. Our job is to be compassionate and to be understanding. Now, if you feel that your marriage is one that has a healthy communication and one that can contain a discussion about the priority of values when it comes to your husband's lifestyle choices, then by all means have that conversation. But have it respectfully. Listen. Be sure to try and understand where your husband is coming from. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. if you can listen to your husband then perhaps that will create the space for you to share with your husband your concerns, you're looking to build a home of torah and you want your children to see both parents valuing torah after that your husband will make choices of his own and you'll make decisions that come with those choices ultimately a home that's full of love, warmth caring compassion understanding and.
respect is a great home for a child to grow up in and children know a tremendous amount about their parents value system the greatest lesson that you can teach your future children is that you are supportive of your husband and your husband in turn will be supportive of you, If you support his frailties and your compassionate understanding, I'm sure there are things that you don't excel at and you would want that very same treatment from your husband. So make sure to be that person. Ultimately, like in chinuch, the supporting parent, the supporting rabbi, has the best chance for success.
Is this shiur filed in the wrong place? Let us know.