Transcript
Automatic transcript; may contain mistakes, especially in Hebrew.
This week's question is We love languages, and what we do is we serve the other person in our own language. So for example, if somebody really likes gifts, then they'll buy gifts for their spouse. And on the other hand, if somebody really likes words of affection, then they'll speak with words of affection to their spouse. We often give what we want. The truth of the matter is there's something a little selfish about that, because giving in a marriage means not giving what you want, but giving what the other person needs. And so it takes a tremendous amount of courage and vulnerability to go to your spouse and to say, I know you love me, but I need to hear it. Sometimes we could feel foolish making such a request. The fact that you did says that there is a lot of hope in your marriage, not just for healthy communication, but ultimately for the couple to work together towards getting what they need.
Very often we ask from our spouse something. They're 100% macabbo. And for a short amount of time, it works, but then it reverts back. And the reason is because we naturally do what comes natural to us. So the fact that your husband was macabo but then didn't follow through is not an indication that he doesn't love you. In fact, I would say the opposite. He loves you very much. So when it was on top of his mind, when it was in an elevated state of consciousness, so he did it. But then, like all things natural, it reverts back to its natural way. So the question is, what do you do now? A person feels very foolish going multiple times and saying, I know we've spoken about this before, but it's important to me. And we develop a narrative. I've spoken to him about it, and somehow it works for a little bit, but he just doesn't listen.
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Maybe it's because he doesn't care. No. We need to hear these things because we're training ourselves to be for another person, In the early stages of a marriage, you are training yourself to be totally different than the way he naturally would be. So it requires reminders. I would encourage you to consider having a conversation with him where you discuss the nature of the dilemma. Meaning, what you need is two things. Number one, you need to be told that you are loved. That's beautiful. You also need to discuss what type of communication you have in order to get those feelings brought up to the surface. You can share with him, for example, that it's difficult to keep bringing these things up, but you know that it's important, but you don't want to be a nag. Having that type of communication, A, builds communication skills, and B, hopefully will get you where you need to be, because you may need to bring it up three, four, five, six, seven times.
And at the same time I would encourage you to ask him what are his needs, what are his languages, because it's important to have balance in a marriage. So maybe you're doing everything right, but maybe there are things that you need to stretch for and that you need to get out of your comfort zone in order to do. So to sum up, what you asked for is very reasonable. It's not that he doesn't care, he definitely does. That's why he was macaboe. But it needs constant reminders because we're creating new muscle memory. Create the communication, not only that that's what you need, but also how can you get what you need when you're going to revert back to your natural form. And lastly, as part of that conversation, I would encourage you to ask him, what are his languages? What are the things you need to do in order to stretch? This way, at the same time, you're also not reverting to your natural form. And together you'll create an opportunity to see each other. That creates intimacy. Once you create a feeling that I'm there for the other person, I'm there to serve you, that is the beginning of intimacy.
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