Transcript
Automatic transcript; may contain mistakes, especially in Hebrew.
Okay, imagine the following situation. You are the Rav of Ashul or you are the Gabbai of Ashul. And now it is time to appoint Shliach Zibur, somebody who's going to be davening for the Amud. This is the representative of your minion to Hashem. He's leading the congregation. Yeah? You have two people who are possible candidates. Both are absolute sadikim. Ruchayim Chayeschi Both are incredible tzedikim. The difference between them is one of them is a tzadik ben tzadik and the other is a tzadik ben rasha. One of them their father was the G-d L-adar and he was amazing. The other the father was a rasha. Sometimes great people come from people who had wicked ways. The Yamshal Shlomo asks the following question. That was a legitimate question. We'll see what the answer is soon. Because it's related to this week's parsha.
We have a tzvila in this week's parsha. It is so painful to hear about the imah hosts when they were not able to have children. Soon next week's parsha we're going to learn about Rachal Emeinu. Rachal Emeinu said, I and Meisah Nochi, if I can't have children, I may as well be dead. They suffered terribly. Lola Leinu, everybody in this room, Shabbes Hashem, had healthy family and without any difficulties. Because it is sometimes, lola Leinu, a very difficult trial and tribulation that people go through. So, of course, what would any loving husband do for his wife? Haskasholom She Can't Have Children Hidavim's, which is exactly what Yitzchak did Vayyethar Yitzchak L'Hashemu nochach ishtok yacharehi Yitzchak, what does Yethar mean? It means Yidavim. He entreated. That's the fancy English word for it. And he stood where? Opposite his wife. That's what the pasak says. He entreated Hashem opposite his wife because she was barren and she could not have any children.
Read the full transcript
Because she was baren and she couldn't have any children so that's why Yitzchak was davening for his wife standing opposite to his wife Rashi tells us where were they standing? Because it's an interesting lush on the nokhat eshto that he's standing opposite to his wife So Rashi tells us based on the Gemara, Rashi tells us zayomed bezavizu u misspallel So, Ms. Paleles, you know what happened? They went to two separate corners of the room. Each one standing in their corner. And Rivka was davening for Yitzchak, and Yitzchak was davening for Rivka. But they were standing in opposite corners of the room. Now what's the obvious question? Who cares where they're standing? It was enough for us to know that Yitzchak was davening for Rivka, and Rivka was davening for Yitzchak. Why does Rashi need to tell us in order to understand this tfilah you need to understand that Yitzchuk is in one corner of the room and she's in another corner of the room.
What's the difference? Who cares where they're standing? But apparently in order to understand this tfilah, in order to understand this entire situation, we need to be able to understand that they were standing in opposite corners of the room. Apparently that's critical. We have to understand why. That's question number one. Then there's a Gemara in Yevamos, 64A. This is an amazing Gemara. I'm confident that you know this Gemara, but I'm going to read it to you inside anyway because it's such an amazing Gemara. Amarev Yitzchak. Yitzchak Avinu Akur Haya. Yitzchak Avinu was not capable of having children. He was infertile. Let's stop there for a second. That's an amazing thing. The Pasuk is saying something and And the Gemara is saying something else. What did the Pasuk tell us? The Yetta Yitzchak Leshmul Nochak Isto. Why was Yitzchak davening for his wife standing opposite from his wife in opposite corners? Why? What does the Pasuk say? Kia kara? He. Because she was barren. As far as we know from learning this Pasuk, who's, I hate to use this Leshom, but if a couple can't have children, sometimes it's both of them, sometimes one of them.
Something is in the system today Baruch Hashem with Modern Medicine there's so many ways of dealing with people who have fertility issues there's amazing Jewish organizations that spend millions and millions and millions of dollars helping people have children there's an organization called Atime I believe that Atime is responsible for the birth of over 8,000 Jewish children which is an unbelievable chassid I know I know children who were born because of Atime Imagine you meet somebody and you're like, wow, the chassid of Klal Yisrael literally was critical to your birth. Back then they didn't have that. All they had was, not all they had, like just, but all they had was davening. As far as I know, if I'm reading the pasuk, again, I don't want to use this language, I don't want to chassu shalom make it seem in any way whatsoever that somebody is a problem.
But as far as we knew, who had the fertility problem? Rifka! Comes Along to Gemara and tells us an unbelievable thing Amarevi Yitzchak, Yitzchak havinu Akor Hayah Actually, Yitzchak was the one who had the fertility issue Sheneh mar, beyeta Yitzchak lasha, m'noch hakishto Al istolonemar, ela l'nochach malamei chishneh makurim hain So now the Gemara clarifies, the Gemara says like this Really, for sure we know Rifke had a problem But it wasn't just Rifke who had a fertility issue It was also Yitzchak and that's why it doesn't say that Yitzchak was davining al-ishto like for his wife rather, lenochak ishto which means what? On some level they both had a problem here which is fascinating malame chishnei makurum ha'iyu they both were infertile So then the Gemara asks the question, Ehaqihi, if that were the case, that they were both infertile, then why does the Gemara say, why does it say, Vayetar lo? It should say Vayetar lehem ebayalei. Yeah? It says, instead let himself be entreated of him, right? It should say, let himself be entreated of them. Meaning, who should be included in the tfilah? Not just Rivka, but also Yitzhak.
And then the Gemara says something I know you've heard but it's an absolute pele in my life. I've never understood this Gemara Maybe this week we'll have the opportunity to understand that I'm telling you I've never understood this Gemara once in my life L'ephesia enodomat velez tzadik ben sadik, le tzvilez tzadik ben rasha Because the tzvila of Yitzchak Avinu cannot be compared the Gemara says to the tzvila of Rivka Tvila Av Yitzchuk was the child of Avramavino and therefore who was answered? Yitzchuk was answered and not Rivka. Why wasn't Rivka answered? Because she came from Bessua. Because she was a tzadakis, the child of Arashah. Let's think about this. Who are we talking about? We're talking about Rivka. Can any of us in this room even begin to fathom what a tzadakis Rivka was? Not possible. We're going to start playing, again, I don't mean to speak disrespectibly about Chazal, I'm just dramatizing it from our sake. We're going to start donning up who is the real deal. Yitzchuk was greater because his father was a Tzadik, or in some way his tfilah is greater because his father was a Tzadik. I'm not sure what that has to do with him. And Rivka in some way couldn't, after all, I mean, if we're being like emotional about this, I would, if anything, say probably who had the harder tfilah, who was the one who was donning harder.
I would imagine it was Rivka because the pain of a mother who can't have children is Much more intense than the pain of a father who can't have children So you're telling me that because Rivka happened to have been born of Bisuel somehow her tfilah is not as acceptable to Hashem I'll tell you even more than that if anything it should be the opposite because Yitzchakavinu Preverbially speaking was born on top of the mountain What does that mean he was born on top of the mountain? You're born into greatness. Your father was Avromorino. So you've had it pretty easy in your life. Rifka Imeino, think about the struggle that she had in order to become from. Think about the struggle that she had in order to become from. That's pretty unbelievable. I mean, Lovin and Bisuel were pretty bad people to come from, no? Lovin's her brother. What does the Pesach Haggadah say about Lovin?
He wanted to abrut all of Klal Yisrael that's her brother her dad wasn't a pleasure either So you're telling me that Rivka yimenu who had the most unbelievable like I'm leaving Everything behind just like avram avinu I'm leaving everything behind to ser vashim You're telling me you're telling me that church view was not as acceptable as yitzchuk Because everyone here the problem should be jumping out of your chairs You can't read amaymer chazaq like this and think to yourself that this makes any sense We need to understand this because I don't know my father even though my father is a wonderful person If my father was reading this Gemara my father would go alright well you're done because I'm a roshah That's what my father refers to himself he says I'm a roshah So if you're a tzaddik your tfilas are not going to be as acceptable because I'm a roshah How could that possibly be it goes against everything we think in judaism You're not your parents? Somehow my tfilas are less acceptable to Hashem? Can't possibly be. Okay.
So let's see if we can make some sense of this. I want you to take the following example. Of two people who have the same exact problem but who experience the problem differently. I'll give you the problem. The problem is the husband just lost his job. The husband lost his job. You're the wife. Play the game in your head. The husband just lost his job. How does your husband, take a second, how does your husband relate to the fact that he lost his job? What's going on emotionally for the husband? What would you guess? He's stressed for sure. What else? Sad. Who said embarrassed? Yeah. Embarrassed is you're on the right train, But it's much more intense than that. I'm a failure, I'm humiliated. That's the word I wrote in my notes here. Because if you're a man, part of being a man is showing up and providing for your family.
And if you can't provide for your family, it's humiliating. I wish this on nobody. It's like a terrible thing. A husband who has to come home to his wife. Imagine the feeling. He's at the door and he knows that what he's about to do Is just like a complete failure absolutely humility and he opens the door his wife's there he goes over to his wife and goes I need to talk to you I lost my job today that is the most excruciating thing that a man has to do now you'll be the wife for a second what are you experiencing when your husband tells you he lost his job and I want you not to be a good wife for a second just think to yourself what's coming up for you Shabbat Shalom. Hashem, you should all get married. See, you can do it. What's coming up for you? Your husband comes home and he says, I just lost my job. What's the first thing that goes in your head? Okay, well, you're a really good person. And also, you're deeply in self, so you stayed in your curiosity. See that you're very psychologically worked at. But for human beings, yeah?
Who are not in self your husband comes in and he says I just lost my job what's going on in your head? What do we do now? How am I going to pay the mortgage? How am I going to go shopping? I think I do now what do you do now? What do you do now? What do you do when you realize like we have no way to pay the bills I don't know how I'm going to gas up the car? It's a terrifying thing. So let's say you're trying to be a good wife and let's say you do the following. Let's say you say, um, let's make a budget. What does your husband feel when you say, let's make a budget? Now you said perfectly reasonable thing. You said let's make a budget. Let's figure out all the areas where we can stop spending.
What is your husband feeling right now when you say let's make a budget? If anything, he's experiencing, again, if he's not himself, if he's not a really worked on person like yourself, yeah? If anything you know what he's experiencing, it's criticism. I wasn't enough. That's how we hear things. When things go wrong, if we feel like it's our fault, it's like, like, I get, we've been irresponsible. And so what does he do from that feeling of being criticized? Even though she didn't criticize him, what does he do? He starts lashing out at her. Well, maybe if we wouldn't have wasted all that money all over the years, we'd have something in the bank that we'd be able to manage through hard times. Right? And now all of a sudden it's like, we're off to the races, right? And then she turns to him because she's not curious. What does she say? She's like, She Says I'm Not The One Who Lost My Job. Oh, all of a sudden you have some empathy. Yeah, it's pretty wild Two people can experience the same exact pain But each comes at it from the lens of their own perspective and this is where marriage can become terribly lonely Because people and this happens all the time husbands and wives go through something together Together but rather than the experience of what they're going through bringing them closer it could chassvashallam make them farther apart
I remember when my dad lost his job when I was 15 years old we had just moved to lawrence, new york from farakway, iraqaydesh Farakway at the time not a wealthy city at all today I understand this changed when I was growing up the houses were not yet torn down and had mansions built in their place It was still small houses moving across 878 was like moving into the great beyond Now you've made it and if you live in harborview a stone throwaway From the water ah shpitz my dad came home and he told us yeah I Lost my job and my dad was doing really well and when you're a kid that's really scary and I remember thinking in my head I wonder if we're moving back to farakway and at the time That was a downgrade Baruch Hashem three weeks later my father had a job it was a better And he was not a job than the one he lost and it was an amazing path that took him Baruch Hashem to new heights in his business and eventually he was able to make aliyah and hold on to his American salary and work American hours and he was exceptionally blessed.
But there was a three week period where it was pretty scary. And in those three weeks I said to my dad I was like dad what's going to be and my father goes listen I don't know what's up to Hashem let's see what happens. My father calls himself a rasha but he's quiet sathik. Afterwards, and remember I'M 15 years old. Afterwards, I was talking to my dad about what it was like for him to lose his job in those three weeks. And my father said something I'll never forget. Because you don't exactly know what's going on in your parents' marriage. You don't know exactly how they feel about each other. My father said to me, I never knew how much your mother loved me until those three weeks. She was supportive of me the entire time. She said, don't worry, this is going to work out. Whatever happens, we're in this together. At that moment, I knew what it meant to be a good spouse. To be a good spouse means when one of us is going through something or both of us are going through something, we're going through it together.
Nobody's alone. Nobody's lonely in this. And Adir Abba, the difficult times become the most amazing times for our relationship because we're leaning on each other. Listen what the Medjur says. They're standing in their opposite corners. Listen to the words. I'm going to read to you the words. What Did Yitzchak Daven? What are the words that he said? Rebbon Shalolim Master of the Universe Kol b'anim sha'ata noseini yiyu minatsadeik ha-sazu All of the children that you give me, they come from her. That was his tfilah. He knew that he was going to have kids. How do you know that he was going to have kids? Because he be Yitzchak Yikar L'Chazzara, who's the rightful heir of Avramavino. It's Yitzchak. So who's going to be the one to have children who are going to continue on Klal Yisrael? Clearly it's going to be Yitzchak. And Yitzchak davens for what?
Master of the universe? Don't send me kids through anybody else. It's her. He's standing in his corner. Who's he davening for? He's not davening for himself to have children. He's davening Rebbe Nachman. Let me have children with her. And then the magic continues. But what was her tfilah? Kalbanim sha'at ased litain li yew minatsad takazah How to marry somebody who can have an amazing marriage with Tov Tov Tov Shabbos gonna give me the manifesto revealed good. That's not a question, but I don't want to have a family with anybody else. This is a gorgeous tfiloh. Two people who are davening for each other. They're standing in opposite corners of the room. We'll get to that in a minute. But who are they davening for? They're davening for each other. And that's what the Svaro writes.
Afaopisha chavchachalazarashi yirash. Yitzchokavinu, he was confident. I'm going to have children. How did he know? Because I'm the child of Avram. And Avramavinu was promised that he's going to have unbelievable amounts of children, millions of them. Hispahla L'Kel Yisbarach Sh'itin lo oso azerim Yzos haaguna y'nitzav es nichocho He said, I don't want kids from anybody else but her. It's gotta be from Rivka. And the radak adds something on that's unbelievable. Why her? Not because she was a tzedekes. Not because she was going to be the best mother. Listen what he says, umey ha'avasah, because of his love for her. Lo ratzil a kachaseesha acheras alecha. He didn't want to marry anybody else. It wasn't because she was going to be this incredible mother to Yaakov and Asav. He said, I love her. What does love mean? Love means I see you in your pain and I'm with you in your pain. So if that's the case, where would you have expected? Now that we know all of this, where would you have expected them to daven for each other? What would the room, what would the setup in the room look like? Let's say there's no makhitsa. They're not so frumbek then. Yeah?
Where would you have expected they should be davening? If they each want are davening for the other ... Yitzchuk says I love her so much even thought I know I'm gonna have kids it's gotta be with her From my love she says I don't wanna have kids with anybody else Where would you have expected them to be davening for each other? Right next to each other You know there's a beautiful picture of haim kaniksi and his wife You ever see this picture? It's in the morning You ever see this picture? It'S amazing picture It's like a video but there's a picture of it That's a gorgeous picture. Ruchayin Kanieski and Rebbe Simbachavu Kanieski, they would say bechas Hashaq with each other, they would say bechas Hashaqar, and they would answer Ammane to each other's brachos. It's a beautiful thing. Why weren't they standing right next to each other? That could have been Yitzchak and Rifka. Let them stand right next to each other.
Let him say, Rebbaneshol, and please give me children through her. And then Rifka would have said Ammane. She said, please give me children through him. And then Yitzchak would have said Ammane. That would have been beautiful. Why they go to the opposite corners from each other? In emotionally healthy relationships, each person is firmly planted in their own soil. In an emotionally balanced relationship, you are you and I am me and my identity doesn't belong to you and your identity doesn't belong to me. This is called an interdependent relationship. You've all heard of co-dependence? Yeah, because you were raised in this time, so you were raised with psychological language, so you were raised in the time your fetus didn't have a co-dependent relationship. The opposite of codependence is interdependence. What does interdependence means? It means I remain myself and you remain yourself. And where does the relationship happen?
In the space in between us. And what does that look like? It's the responsibility of a husband to be able to listen to his wife's pain without being overwhelmed by her pain. Do you guys know that that's very hard for a husband to do? It's a very hard thing because what happens when a wife comes to a husband and she says, I'm in pain, what does the husband immediately try to do? He tries to fix it. You ever see the video, It's Not About the Nail? Yeah. Many years ago in Tomer Tovor, this is a true story, if you haven't seen the video, Shabbat shalom Tov shabbat shalom Tov shabbat shalom Tov shabbat shalom
And almost the entire Sam went that's so not nice why is that guy not being nice to that girl and he's just trying to fix it by taking the nail out of her head. Why can't he be empathetic? The video was literally making fun of this and most women intuitively understood. I don't need him to take the nail out of my head. I just want him to be with me while I'm in pain because I have a nail in my head which is insane. Your half of the species is a little insane. Okay, as long as you know. Just hold on to that and give that gift to your husband when he calls you out on it, yeah? It's really hard to listen to somebody else's pain and not to lose yourself and try to fix it, because it's hard when you love somebody and you care about them deeply. It's really hard.
But it's also true about women. It's often very true that a wife sees her husband's anxiety and says, oh no, everything's not going to be okay. And she also feeds off his emotional reaction. So What Happens? Here You Have The Husband. Here You Have The Wife. When she is in pain, what does the husband do? He crosses over the space in between And now he is living on her side of the street. And he is trying to fix her. He is in a bad emotional place. What Is She Doing? She is living on his side of the street And she is like I am not going to be okay Because He Is Not Okay. It is an unbelievable thing to see what happens When we lose our boundaries because we're in pain. We can be in pain together but what's critical? I'm still on my side of the street And you are still on yours.
I'm in my corner and I'm davening for you. But I haven't lost myself to your pain. And you are davening for me But you haven't lost yourself to my pain. This doesn't mean that the couple is separated. What Does It Actually Mean? Not that the couple is separated But rather that each one of us recognizes I'm still an independent person in this relationship. Now if you followed everything we said until now which is yitzchuk avinu is davening for Rivka, Rivka yimaynu is davening for yitzchuk they love each other unbelievably. They're not going through this suffering separately. They're going through it together but they're going through it together without losing themselves And their identity to each other. Now let's revisit that original question. You're the Rav of the Shul, you're the Gabbayah of the Shul, you have in front of you, Etzadeq ben Roshah, the question is who should be the Shliach Tzebur, who should be the one to daven for the Amr? That's the question.
Says the Yom Shashlomo as follows. There's a difference between Etzadeq who's davening for himself and Etzadeq who's davening for the Tzebur. A tzadik who's davening for himself is more likely to be answered if his father is a tzadik. Because he has chosavos, is what the Amshash Lomo says. But if the tzadik is davening for the tzibor, who should be the one to daven? The tzadik ben Roshah. Why? Because since they had the koeach, since they had the unbelievable power to leave the wicked ways of their family, They Have an Extra Schuss and that Schuss Goes for the Tzibor But Now We have an Obvious Question What's the Obvious Question so who's Tfilah is more Powerful for the Tzibor? Who's Tfilah is more Powerful? Sathik Ben Rasha So then who's tfilah should have been answered first? Rivka Because if Rivka is Davening for Yitzchak and Yitzchak is Davening for Rivka so then They're not Davening for Themselves They're Davening for Each other so whose tfilah should have been answered first?
Rifka No, no, no, not so from Yeah, but they're not because if you remember what are the words of the measure say Rebbe Nachman Rishlam I Want it through her I want her to be able to get pregnant they were davening for the other So listen what the Chida says the Chida quotes this Yom Shashlomo and the Chida says as follows This is an amazing amazing way of seeing this there's halakhos, but we don't really treat the halakhos Well, because since we kind of just look at the body of Judaism without looking at the soul We don't always pay attention to what the inner meaning of the halacha is. Listen to what the chida says. There's a halacha ishtokagufo, right? There's no ishtokagufo means that your husband, you're like a part of his physical body. Listen to what he writes. Kievan de ishtokagufo, this is the words of the chida, I'm not making this up. It's not Mordecai Berg.
Since Yitzchakavinu actually saw his wife as himself. He was so identified with her, not that he lost his identity to her, but he was so identified with her, Mispalalal Atzmo Mikrei. It was like he was davening for himself. He was davening for Rivka and Rivka's herself. She's other. But because he saw her as him, it was like he was davening for himself. The best way I know how to explain this is with a famous story from R'vayi L'vine. I'm sure you've heard this story before. R'vayi L'vine and his wife, R'vayi L'vine zaychasaduk v'kadosh alvashah t'zaduk v'yushalayim. R'vayi L'vine went to the doctor with his wife. His wife's foot was hurting. The doctor said to R'vayi L'vine, what seems to be the problem? He said, my wife's foot is hurting us. That's the perfect example of what a healthy relationship looks like. It's still my wife, meaning it's not me, but who's it hurting?
It's hurting me. Why is it hurting me? Because she's me. But she's still my wife. You see that delicate balance called interdependence? The delicate balance is that on the one hand your spouse is separate, but you're so identified with them that it's like yourself. So, Mimeleh, we understand. When Yitzchuk and Rifko were davening for each other, Who were they really davening for? For themselves, right? They were really davening for themselves. Now think about it. So whose tila should be answered? Yitzch havos. Why? Shoshavos. Because the shos that you have of breaking away from the family of Rishaim is only for who? It's only when you're davening for somebody else. But Yitzch hav and Rifka, they were so intertwined for each other, it couldn't be like they were looking at each other as separate people. I want to share something in these final minutes before I have to go catch my flight which is leaving in less than three hours now.
Ezzashan, no minot traffic ankvishachad. No, that one gets it. No hafganot. Ezzashan, everybody, please load. That's for a lot of reasons, no hafganot. You know, in these critical months of your life, as you're thinking about the person that you are You ever have a thing where someone is upset at you and it feels like death? Even if you think you are right but you just can't stop thinking about it? And you just have to figure out how to make peace with them? It's called losing your identity to somebody On the other hand, there are people that are just minutak and they don't care It doesn't bother me that somebody else is upset at me And That's Also Not Great Because to be emotionally disconnected from somebody who is going through something
It's not so easy. This opportunity that you have in your life is to prepare for what it looks like to be in a healthy relationship. Firmly planted in your own soil, but deeply identified with each other. This is the key to ending all machleikos and klal Yisrael. We can stand on opposite sides of the room. Haredim can stand on one side, and Silonim can stand on another side, and Siyyinim can stand on another side, and Mizrakhnukim can stand on another side, and Labavishis can stand on the other side. Stand On Another Side and the Sotmers can stand on another side and the Visnitzers can stand on another side and Lakewood can stand on another side and I don't want to put anything on the other side of Lakewood. I'm going to be cancelled, it's not going to be for that. It's not a problem that we stand on opposite sides of the room. The problem is we stopped ovening for each other.
The problem is that when I look at your suffering in your community, I'm not identifying with it. I was talking to a young man today, I'm a murder dick impressed by him, he's a special person. He was talking to me about the state of Klal Yisrael how many 19-year-old young men are thinking about the state of Klal Yisrael He said Rebbe the state of Klal Yisrael is not what it looks like in Yeshiva The state of Klal Yisrael is not what it looks like in the orthodox world We're The Minority So the state of Klal Yisrael is what it looks like out there How do we reach those people? I was impressed 19 years old and he's thinking about somebody beyond himself He's identifying with the pain of another Yid He'll Be A Good Husband I know he'll be a good husband because he cares about other people It's easy to stand in your little dalitamos and go, my world is working. It's nice. I'm glad your world is working But aren't we in this together?
Aren't we both aren't we all waiting for Mashiach to be born? Aren't we all waiting for the bracha of Yitzchak to come to fruition? If we're just gonna stand on opposite sides of the corner we lose each other too close and we lose each other We fight like cats and dogs It's crazy to me that a country that we have that's so beautiful And we're like operating like the Americans with the politics over there. It's hateful. It's about who wins and who loses. It's not about what's good for us as a nation. It's not about how we could sit with each other. If we work on ourselves, each one of us, in our own individual way, to be firmly planted on our own soil but deeply identified with each other, bez sashhem, m Bezal chalbring mashiach. Girls have a beautiful Shabbos.
Is this shiur filed in the wrong place? Let us know.