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Automatic transcript; may contain mistakes, especially in Hebrew.
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Was Yitzchak fooled? The Pasach says as follows, chapter 27 verse 22, hakol kol Yaakov, the hayadayim yadei asav. So the voice, Yitzchak says, is the voice of Yaakov, but the hands are the hands of Asav. Meaning you can imagine the scene. Yitzchak Tariq? What does that mean? He said a Shammuchim okay so you said Rashi and we'll see yeah but I said without knowing anything from Shammuchim, if you just read the Pzukim, what would you say? I would say he sounded like Yaakov. unless Yaakov and Asav had identical voices I would say yeah that it sounded like him. And you've played this game before right? if you close
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Shabbat B'alashan Tach Nunim Rashi says, It's true, he did have kippurav'em and yet he spoke in a demanding way. It was nothing disrespectful, but it lacked the pleasantry. It lacked the manners of Yaakov. But there's an obvious problem with this Rashi. What's the obvious problem? The obvious problem is, I'll spell it out, the obvious problem is, when does Rashi come to tell you the backstory? When does Rashi come to tell you the backstory? When you can't understand what's happening in the tzukkim?
We can understand what's happening in this pasak, right? If you didn't have Rashi, what would you say? Yitzchak is there, he's blind, Yaakov comes in, what happens at the moment that Yaakov comes in? So he says it sounds like Yaakov, it sounds like his voice. I don't know this to be true, but I'm guessing Asav had like a deep voice, like he was a warrior, you know, like a warrior's voice and Yaakov had like a yeshiva bakar's voice, you know, like he probably spoke in a little bit of Yiddish you know, he said the epis abam, you know, like he spoke in like a certain type of way so how could it be that Rashi's coming along and saying something that's not the pshat? How could it be that Raji's saying something that's like outside of this simple explanation? So I think perhaps we can suggest something like this.
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Help Me With The Dishes I'm not going to get out with the dishes, I'm just feeling like I'm under it a little bit, right? Versus, I need you to take care of this. What's the difference in the relationship? I want to have like a command, like I need you to do it. I want to have like appreciation without appreciating your help. Okay, good. So what you've done accurately and beautifully is you've described the nature of the request. One is a demand and one is an appreciation. I want to see if we can push this a step deeper, but you're certainly right. Because it sounds like you're talking to your child, like please go to bed versus like you're talking... Well, let's just say go to bed without the police for a second, yeah? And then the other one is like you're talking to someone who will respect, like...
Agreed. There's respect there when you say please. There's no respect when you say I need you to take care of this. I agree with you. But let's see if we can get deeper and think. You're 100% right, yeah? One of the relationships is that you must do it so you don't need a command to do it. Okay, good. I'm with you. So you're saying a step deeper. There's not only respect. There's also a trust. Very good. Excellent. Yeah Okay, okay good. And and why does it sound like a partnership? You're right there. Why does it sound like a partnership? So the words you're looking for are ready for this It's a partnership when I respect that you're an independent person with a will of your own That's what healthy relationships look like I'm looking at you and I see you have your own will and you're allowed to have your own will. I respect the fact that you have your own will. So what does it look like to show up when you're the wife and you come to your husband and you respect your husband? I respect that he's an independent person. As an independent person, I can make a demand of you but then that's not a partnership. Because what am I trying to do by demanding your own will?
Something Of You I don't know what Yaakov's voice sounded like and I don't know what Asav's voice sounded like but what does Rashi tell us right away in the very beginning? HaKol kol Yaakov, what does Rashi hear? It's an interesting thing. Rashi doesn't hear Yaakov had a different tone of voice which means what? Different words. Different relationship. The way that Yaakov showed up to his relationship with his father was one of respect. What was the respect? I don't control the way that you are. That's the beginning of a healthy relationship. I am not in control of you. You are an independent person with a will of your own. Now, let's look at the flip side for a second. HaKol kol Yaakov. So now what did Yitzchak say? I see from the way that you're speaking that you are a person who appreciates the nature of a relationship. What's the second half of the sentence?
The Hayadaim. What are his hands? Yeday Eisav. Now let's think about what that means. Yaakov Avinu participates in a relationship with his voice. How does Eisav participate in a relationship with his hands? What does that mean? So if you look at the Mamari Chazal, the Mamari Chazal explain that this is like Yaakov's spiritual power of Tfiloh Roshan Ramaelah and Lima Ratorah versus Asav's physical power. But if we think about it according to the path that we're taking right now, where Yakovinu's power is represented by his voice, what's the contrast between Yakovinu's voice and Asav's hands? Yeah, right So what do our hands do if Yaqobu Vinu's voice respects somebody's independent will what do Asaf's hands do? They hold someone down or they what? Impose their will upon someone else I'm gonna give you an example of this. Yeah, and this is a frightening example
Gourmet Glot Reaching the cart with one hand, she's got a baby in the cart, she's holding onto her three-year-old's hand. They turn the corner, they enter into the cookie aisle, and the three-year-old looks up and goes like this. We've arrived. We have arrived in the ultimate place of satisfaction, the cookie aisle. Mommy, can I have a cookie? And now the mother makes the classic mistake. What's the classic mistake of a mom? She tries to negotiate with the terrorist. So what's the negotiation? Negotiation sounds like this. Now we had a cookie before you got in the car and if you behave nicely I'll give you a cookie at the end.
And what does the three year old do? No, it's on. And now the three year old is having a temper tantrum in the middle of Gormeglath. Now because you're from the five towns you'll appreciate this. The five towns is an ultimate, like Chaz said, coming out of the wazoo. But it could be hard if your three year old is having a temper tantrum in the middle of Gormeglath. And some mothers could be walking by and maybe this is just us projecting. On the highway and there's a car crash everybody has to check it out, let's slow down Let's examine how bad it was even if it's the other side of the highway There's bumper to bumper traffic just to see So everyone has to walk by, you've seen this move where the mothers are wanna see how that mother is parenting her child And I watched as this mother snapped Little kid on the floor having a temper tantrum And mom was actually originally doing a good job, she did a textbook She got down and she was like, I see her having a really hard time, right? But then the kid's not stopping. No, I want a cookie I want a cookie. I want a cookie. I want a cookie and I was like She's and I see slowly she's losing it and mom notices the people walking by with the judgmental glances
Not that they were judgmentally glancing. I'm just saying maybe projecting. Yeah, for sure. Everyone's amazing and awesome, but sometimes yeah, and Then the mom stood up and she yanked her child up with her hands And I saw the kids face Abject terror Because I want you to think about what it's like to be a little person for a second. Be three for a second. How tall are your parents when you're three years old? They're enormous. They're giants. Very recently, like a year ago, I ran into a Rebbe of mine from elementary school. When I was a kid, I was convinced that this Rebbe was 6 foot 6 because he was massive. And he was terrifying. And I ran into him at a wedding. I'm taller than him Now probably he shrunk a bit, but he did not go from six foot six to five foot nine Turns out he's just a Jewish man He's not that big but in my and when I met him I went I was like I went over to like shake his hand and like Introduced myself rather you probably don't remember me. It's Mordechai Berg. I haven't seen you since and I realized like I'm looking down at him Because in my mind when he was screaming at me in sixth grade
Rebbe is a wonderful Rebbe. It just happens to be I was a difficult kid. He really was a great Rebbe, a game-changing, life-changing Rebbe. But from time to time I would get thrown out of class. In fact, I had this so often they would throw me out. There was a Rebbe whose name was Rabbi Lubart. Rabbi Lubart ran the class for the kids who had learning difficulties. So when you got thrown out they sent you to Rabbi Lubart's class, which by the way was so not nice But that's what they used to do I got thrown out so often that Rabbi Lubart once called my mother after a week of not being thrown out to check if I was Okay He thought I was like home sick for the week and my mother had to say to him Rabbi Lubart He's not actually in your class. He just gets thrown out into your class So this rep he would throw me out he would yell not yell like in a bad way
Like a therapy episode, yeah? Please don't do that. I could see the abject terror in her face. She looked, she goes, she lived every night. She's like, you belong here. You should know the things I'm not saying right now. Anyway, because we don't do that, right? It's a terrifying thing to watch a parent lose a control and assert physical dominance over a child. Imagine being that child. Imagine what gets broken in that moment. I don't mean broken like a rapper-able. But it's like, you just violated me. And it's a really hard thing to stay present with somebody when you really do need their compliance So that little kid who's not getting out the door and they need to go to school because if they don't make the bus This is by the way, this is trauma for every person in this room capital T not lowercase T trauma remember when you were getting off in the morning and your mother was like Hustling you to get off because you needed to make the bus because you could not drive you to school and there's yelling and they're screaming And there's all these things that are basically being done to force compliance because your parents can't have you at home.
That's the beauty of raising your kids in Eretz Yisrael. They walk to school. So my children walk one block to their school. It's a beautiful thing. We don't have the same levels of like the need for that compliance. So I think that perhaps what Chazal is saying like this is as follows. When I speak, it gives you the space to hear me. Now I can encourage you, I can reason with you, I can explain to you why something is really important, but at the end of the day you're an autonomous being with your own independent will. What does Asav do? Asav says, I know how to get what I need from you and he moves you. Now there's lots of ways to move someone. You could move someone physically with your hands or you could impose your will upon them. Doesn't mean you physically lifted them off the ground. I imagine everybody in this room has been What's the problem with doing that? What's the problem with asserting dominance over somebody else? Let's talk about it from a parenting perspective. What do I lose out when I dominate my child?
You don't have to think they're themselves and they become their own person. And therefore what? They're self-reliant? No, I mean like they're just relying on others. Okay, so what you mean to say is like this. You're saying it well, what you mean to say is like this. Tell me if I'm getting it right, yeah? I can get you to comply for some time. But what happens when that kid figures out, right, what happens when that kid figures out that they're stronger than the parent? Right, and at some point parents start to run out of threats, right? Like, I'm gonna take away your phone, right? What happens when the kid goes, well, that's okay. I don't need to go to school anymore. I'll drop out. I'll get a job. I'll buy my own phone Then dad goes if you drop out of school, you no longer live in this house now all of a sudden mom's going wait Wait, we're not putting him out on the street and that goes yes, we are why is he doing that?
He's doing that because he's got very few right He's got to go to these what we call really draconian measures to try to maintain some sense of control What if the kid goes well, that's okay. My friend will let me crash No, not gonna be homeless. What happens if he does even worse? That's okay, I know a guy, he'll let me crash in his apartment. And now all of a sudden you're out, you're out of bullets. And this is what happens, because when you demand something from somebody else, you say you are going to live by these rules. You might get compliance for some time. But what happens the second you're not around? Because they never internalize those values, what comes next? Hacol Kolyakov What am I trying to do? I'm trying to help you shape the way that you think so that you can deploy your will in a way that's really meaningful in your life.
And what does that give the kid the space to do? Well, maybe it's not going to go so well in the beginning because maybe the kids go, well, what if I don't want to? But they do feel respected by their parents. They do feel like my parents saw me as an autonomous person. So eventually what happens? Eventually the kid will start to listen because, well, my parents love me and they're sharing with me a value system. If we are flipping beds and bringing them teshul so I might get you teshul I don't know that I can get you tedavin You might say the words just because you said the words doesn't mean you are going to teshul So hakol kolyakov and hayyadayim de'esav are two fundamentally different approaches to life itself Are you trying to assert your dominance over somebody else? Or are you genuinely interested in being a relationship with someone who's other than you and connecting to their innermost will?
That's what Yitzhak saw the moment that Yaakov walks in. He's totally blind. He's totally blind. But as soon as he enters the room, what does he know? This is not a person who dominates other people. This is a person and that's why he knew it was Yaakov, right? Because he said this is not Asav's character. It's not the tone of voice. It's his character. Now, why do we do that? Why do I attempt to control somebody else? Why do I attempt to dominate somebody else? So I'll tell you the reason. You ready for it? It's because I'm terrified of what you might do if I don't dominate you. Which means that when a parent is parenting and they're parenting from fear, they're going to end up dominating their children. Which means they're not parenting their children at all. What are they doing? They're just acting out their own fear on their kid. Which means that what do we need to do before we become parents? Before you become parents, what do you need to do?
You need to be able to work on yourself so that you can show up unafraid to somebody else's response Somebody else's life and I know this is going to be hard to hear especially the people that you love because those are the ones that you because you love them the most you might be afraid of them the most I love you so much I'm afraid if you go off the darach right okay but if you're afraid that I go off the darach and therefore you're going to what dominate me to keep me on how's that going to work that doesn't work right So if you're parenting from fear, it's a lack of bitachon. And when I say bitachon, I don't mean bitachon and Hashem necessarily. It's a lack of trust in yourself to be okay with somebody else's response. And it's an amazing thing that happens when people become parents, and especially if you see parents of kids who struggle, if you see parents who are very growth oriented, what happens when they have children who struggle?
You watch the growth of the parents and it's astronomical What Changed? Why Are The Parents? The father who was like five years ago and he was like raging all over the place and As a kid who was like really struggling five years later if he's really growth oriented He's almost like zen like in his com what changed? What changed was because he understood parenting happens inside of yourself Parenting is not something that you do to a kid parenting is a way that you show up to the Relationship? Which is a very different way of thinking about parenting. It's not what you say or what you do. It's the presence that you have when your kid is with you. How does your child feel? Is it possible to use Yaakov's voice wrong? You know what the Medjur says? Yaakov's voice can also be corrupted, right? Because there's dominance, that's the domination Beshosh Yaakov marchan bekola yedayesav shotos When does Yaakov's voice become too soft?
What precisely does that mean? The simple explanation, which is certainly true, is if Yaakov Yvino is not involved in learning Torah and Tfiloh, so then Asav's hands become more powerful than Yaakov's. But according to what we said, in other words, very good. There's such a thing as too soft also. When I speak to you, there's a difference between I speak with dominance, that's Asav's hands, right? There's also something of speaking too softly. Yeah. Like parents who aren't able to say without anger but with absolute clarity, this behavior is not okay. I need to hold you accountable for this behavior because this is the way I can express my love for you. You Can Do The Baby And Gentle So when I say gentle here, there's a difference, I think, again, so I said she's using the word gentle in a pejorative way. In parents that can never say no.
Yeah, it's... I call cookies. Yeah, right, it's exactly. It's showing up and saying, okay, but no, like children want parents to be firm. Children want parents to be strong. Even if they're kids about. Right, and it actually, if you think about it deeply, not only does it grow, it tells Also later it's less confusing. Low energy, unfocused, foggy, you might be dehydrated gatorade zero powders have been scientifically designed to help improve hydration balance in the body. With a clinically proven electrolyte blend and no artificial colors or flavors, great tasting hydration no matter where you're going. Shop now online or at retailers nationwide. Gatorade hydrates better than water. Is it in you? Symptoms noted are signs of mild to moderate dehydration. Consult a healthcare professional if symptoms persist. When everything feels non-stop, movement becomes the pause. So give Lululemon this holiday season.
Smooth, seamless running gear builds momentum through every mile. Insulated warmth invites staying out longer. And hard-wearing workout gear enables dialed-in drive. Give the Feeling Shop in Store and on Lululemon.com In the classrooms? Here's a common one. You want to go to sleep, the room is dark, but she's got her flashlight on. The screen is on and for you that's a problem. So you roll over and you go, could you turn the screen off? It's one o'clock in the morning. And she says back to you, she goes, maybe get, what do they call those things? Yeah, maybe get a mask. Yeah. And now you're like off to the races on your fight. The reason she responded that way is because the way that you used your voice
was inappropriate. Somewhere in between. Too high, yadaimidey asaf. Too low, You're going to be dominated by other people. If you turn over and you respectfully say, it's important to me that we have a room where we can respect each other. For me, okay, you don't have to use this therapeutic language. I see the eye roll was heavy there. Can you hold space for me? I don't mean, I'm using therapeutic language, you can have it in normal human speech. We both deserve to have a space where we can respect each other. You have every right. Okay, we're gonna put this is why yeah You two need to go to therapy and now you Can this be a place where we can both have our needs met? You know instead what we do We go to Mrs. Fold and complain or whoever right and we say Mrs. Nuss Yeah You have to have a three-hour meeting right and it's like Yes, that's actually the way it works. No, you have a three hour apartment meeting because someone's not going to be late.
No, you have to have a three hour apartment meeting because you didn't know how to express yourself clearly, firmly, without dominating somebody else and without diminishing yourself. A person who has a strong sense of self knows how to show up in a healthy way to uncomfortable conversations and to be able to say this is what's okay, this is what's not okay, let's find a way to work together. And that's an important thing to work on now because if you're working on it now, ultimately it's the way that you're going to turn out as a parent. Girls have a beautiful Shabbos.
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