Toldos - The Lies We Tell Ourselves When We Can't Admit We're Wrong

1:54 Alitani Naminah domedom masey give me that red stuff right they make the deal I'll sell I'll sell you the bachora for some soup Right good soup misfreed right it's like I'm sorry I'm going to call you that. I know. Rafuah Shelema I'm sick too. Bar Hisham somebody gave me a tea. I have wonderful people here. Yeah, so what happens Vayocho Vayesht he eats and he drinks Vayochon Vayelach he gets up he leaves Listen to these words Vayyevaz Esav Es Habachorah What does that word mean by Yevah? Does anybody know? Like despise, yeah. Like despise. Like he, like how does he leave? He makes the deal. I get the deal. I don't value this thing. That makes sense. Right? I'll trade it for some soup. He eats, he drinks, he gets up, he leaves, and then what does he do? He despises the bachorah. It's interesting. At the very end, how does he feel? I despise this thing.

2:51 Now that's already a very high level of emotion. You have this sometimes in Yeshiva. A guy comes to Yeshiva and he'll say, and he doesn't mean it. He's just so frustrated. He goes, Rabbi, I hate Gomarim. Why do you have such a high level of emotion about a book? Because you can't understand it. Okay, good. So something is going on inside of him. It's not just because, like, I don't hate things in general. Like, if I just don't like it, I'm nothing it. Like, I don't hate golf. I'm just nothing golf. If a guy says, I hate Gemara, it means something is really upsetting to him. Asav, so you made the deal. You don't have it anymore. You sold it. You're not interested in it. It's not like that for Asav. He's got an emotional relationship with the firstborn. He's got an emotional relationship and his emotional relationship is, I hate it, which is fascinating.

3:42 Let's fast forward. Now Asav goes out to the field. He's going to get some food for Yitzchak. Yitzchak and when he gets back what's going to happen? Yitzchak is going to give him the bracha of the first born, right? We know the story, what happens? Rifka dresses up Yaakov like Asav, he tricks Yitzchak and what happens? He gets the bracha. Now you're Asav and you return home. Knowing what you know, what would you say Asav's emotional reaction should be in this moment? Your brother got the bracha that he bought. I would say, I'm just guessing, that his emotional reaction would be Who cares? Why do I care? A minute ago, what the Torah tell us, he despies it and now it Seems like, at least from what we're going to see, it sounds like aesop is devastated, devastated that he didn't get the He took my birthright and now he took my brachah. So what do we see about Asav? We see Asav is really upset. Like Yaakovinu is like indignant. Yaakovinu stole this from me. Like he did the wrong thing. I thought you didn't care. So I've got a couple questions here. Let me cook for a second, yeah? Let me cook. Yeah? Do my thing.

5:07 Aesav sold him his birthright willingly no? Anyone force aesav to do it? No. Ok, explicitly the Torah tells us it has no value to it, it's not only that it had no value, but it despised it. And now how is he describing it? Yakov took it from me. I mean Yakov took it from you. Aesav's not a liar. Aesav's not a liar. Now I know you're going to say Aesav is a liar And he lied to Yitzchak and he tricked him but who is he lying to in this case? I understand when I lie to my dad because I don't want to get in trouble But when the Torah accords that he says Esbicho rasi lachach vihinay atalach chabr chasi It's not enough that he took my birthright Now He Took My Barachah Who you lying to? And for what? What's The Purpose? So that's the question we have Now, the raschbaum answers this question But the answer is actually going to make our question worse. Listen to the words of the Rishbam. I'm going to read them in Hebrew.

6:08 He says, L'Fi shalisof nisqare al-qach. How do you know that something changed? Because all of a sudden, Aesav's story changed. What was Aesav's story? He took it from me. So what does the Rishbam say? The Rishbam says, Ah, I see what's going on. I see what's going on. It must be that something emotionally shifted in Asav What was the emotional shift at the moment that he arrives back at Yitzchak's house And now he discovers that Yaakov took the bracha. What does he say? I regret having ever sold it meaning he went out to the field YHVAR and all of a sudden, what does he have the opportunity to get? Brach from his father Yitzchak. He comes home and he says, Yaakov, you took it from me. Why? Because something shifted internally. He regretted it. He regretted what he had done. So when we regretted what he'd done, he told a different story.

7:38 The story was not, I sold it. The story was, you took it. Now this still doesn't make any sense. Give yourself the gift of savings with visible wireless. Stay connected to what matters most with unlimited 5G data, talk, and text. Share the joy anywhere you go with unlimited hotspot And no contract to tie you down for a limited time, plans start at $19 a month For one year on the visible plan with promo code holiday hack Unwrap a little piece of mind this holiday season with visible To switch today terms apply standard rate applies at month 13 See visible.com for plan features and network management details Low Energy Unfocused Foggy You Might Be Dehydrated Gatorade zero powders have been scientifically designed to help improve hydration balance What'd you say? Yeah, well, I think what you're saying, I'm gonna shift the words a little bit,

9:13 but the energy of what you're saying is correct. This is not just me being a rabbi saying the wrong Is really right and I'm going to say something else to make you feel better the energy of you know you know when rabbis do that? Where they like say something really silly and then they just say oh what you mean to say is no you got it right I'm just going to use my own words to express it How come he didn't say man I messed up how can we didn't say like shoot I really regret that I did that okay good so we have to unpack that because that's a very serious thing Aesav represents something about ourselves something that's familiar and you're right you're right to reach into your inner experience What was it that was going on inside of asav at that moment and how do I relate to it in my own life? That's the right impulse instead of showing up to a moment and being oh man I messed up I regret that I messed up what does he do?

10:02 He blames yachol for taking the brachah from him so we're going to have to examine that deeply and why does that happen? In order to understand this, let's ask another question. You with me so far? Yeah? He sold the birthright. I mean he sold the firstborn. To be the firstborn, as we're gonna see in a moment, means something. And he said, I'm not interested. Yaakov, it's yours. He sold it for a bowl of soup. That's the story. Then when it came time to get the bracha, which would have been like the stamp, like now you are officially the firstborn taking on the role of the firstborn, and Yaakov took it from him, Yechov gave it to Yaakov, he tricked him. Yaakov pretended that he was Asaph. He took it and now that he took it, Asaph's all upset and he says Yaakov took it. Yaakov didn't take it, you sold it. You sold it, you despised the fact that you sold it. Now we have an insight into his inner world that really he regretted it and that's why he was so upset. But rather than be honest about it, he's blaming Yaakov. Which, as you said, is an impulse we all have. One second, let's see if we can go a little bit further. Yeah, you mind? Okay, let's see if we can go a little bit further.

11:07 Asav hate the b'chorah why has he have this emotional relationship? Listen what Rashi says Rashi tells us an unbelievable thing By The Way Girls, Chummesh With Rashi will change your life Just read in chummesh with Rashi the most sophisticated psychological insights that will change your life If you learn chummesh with Rashi every day it will change your life A little bit every day will change your life so Rashi explains his follows You know why the Bechorah was so despised by Aesav? Because the Bechorah comes along with performing certain avodah. Certain services in the Bechorah are what it means to be the first born. And Yaakov, when he was describing two Aesav, because remember, where did Yaakov live? What was Yaakov's role in life? What was he? He was Ishtam, he was a simple person. Yo Shev O'Hala. What does it mean? Simple doesn't mean simplistic.

12:04 What does it mean? He was like whole, he was complete, yeah? And what did he do all day? Sat in the base of Medrash, he learned Torah. Asav was the one who was out in the field. So Asav comes back from the day that his Grandfather dies and what does Yakov do? Yakov says, Let's talk about this role that you have in life. You are going to be the bachar, you're the firstborn, that comes with responsibilities. And Yakov goes, comes with punishments also. Meaning, If you don't live up to your responsibilities as the firstborn, there are severe punishments. And in fact, you could be put to death if you don't do the avoda in the correct way. So now we understand Asav's response. Asav goes, well, if this avoda is going to be something dangerous in my life, then I don't want it. Like, why would I want it?

12:54 Why would I want something that's going to end up giving me the opportunity potentially To Die Okay, so far so good. Now the question is what does it have to do with us? Because right now every word of chumish that you learn, it's really a story about who? People in the past. No, no, it's us. It's not a story about people in the past. It's a story about us. If you're learning the story of Asav rejecting the birthright because he was afraid that he was going to be in the base of HaMikdash and he was going to get a punishment and the punishment was going to cause him death, that's not a story about Asav, that's a story about us. So let me explain. Yeah, Yeah, it goes like this. Sometimes in our lives, here comes the life-changing Torah. You ready for it? You all raised your hand in the beginning of this year. For those that raised your hands, this is the moment. You ready for it? Sometimes in life, we reject things not because we don't think they're valuable. We know they're valuable. We know they're valuable.

13:50 Sometimes we reject things because the thing that is demanded of me potentially is going to be exceptionally difficult, exceptionally challenging. And it comes with real world consequences. I can say it again, make sure everybody gets this. Sometimes we reject things not because we don't think they have value. We know they have value. But what if this thing demands something of me that I can't do? What if this thing is something I'm going to fail at and there's going to be real world consequences? For example, someone could deeply value marriage. They could. They could understand intuitively that to be one with someone, what we call in judaism intimacy, Intimacy from elisha nivintu mi uzi To be able to see deeply another person, to feel held by another, to go through life with someone, not just companionship, but to build something together. Intuitively, I imagine everybody in the room right now goes, I could see the value of marriage.

15:04 But then there's another voice inside of us, and the voice goes like this. But what if I'm not good at it? I saw a marriage that wasn't good. Maybe I grew up in a home where there was a tough marriage. Maybe I grew up with friends whose parents got divorced or who suffered through bad marriages. What if I can't do this and there's real world consequences? What if I have children and those children are growing up in a miserable home because their parents don't know how to be married to each other? That's not so easy. And so what happens is that you could start to talk yourself out of marriage, even if you see the value. I'll share with I'm with you, I have a friend who I love dearly. Unfortunately in his life he was very, very, very hurt. Not his fault at all. Because he was very hurt he told me that when he was in Yeshiva and the Rebbeim would speak about marriage and it was like kind of like a given, like of course you're going to get married. In his mind he was always going like this, why is that a given? I don't want marriage. He said I saw what a bad marriage looks like.

16:06 I want nothing to do with it I don't want to bring children into the world today he is married Only recently and he's only really married because the girl that he was dating basically Said like we should get married but he made her promise no children no children and he's And he in his world he thinks and it makes sense in his world he's like listen he says To me he goes I love that you grew up in a happy home I'm so happy for you this is a I've seen what most people think marriage is, which is not that great. So why would I put myself in a position to be with someone who is not going to be happy, to have children who are going to be raised in a home where they're going to be fighting? I don't want to bring that on somebody else. So he says, so I don't value marriage. And in fact, if you asked him about the institution of marriage, he wouldn't just tell you, okay, if it's for you, fine, I'm going to be married.

17:03 He would tell you really? It's a silly institution and nobody should be getting married and it's outdated It's what they needed to do in the olden days today we don't need to and by the way he lived with his girlfriend for many Many years before he got officially married And he really doesn't in his mind by the way he doesn't really even see like why he got to get married He got married because like that's what she wanted so pasey they're he was willing to do it they had a party they signed Some Document at A Courthouse but Fundamentally, he doesn't really believe in marriage. I would even use the word. You ready for it? He despises the institution of marriage. But if somebody has such a deep emotional reaction to something, if they despise the institution of marriage, is that because of marriage? Or is that because of the story that he told himself around marriage? Is it actually true that marriage has no value?

17:52 Or, when confronting the real possibility of failure in marriage, did he have to devalue marriage? Because otherwise it would have been exceptionally painful for him. It's the same thing when it comes to our Judaism. There's not a person in here, I believe. There's not a person in here that doesn't want to grow closer to Hashem. Every one of us traveled thousands of miles. We came to Israel. We came here because we think there's something that we could find in your Shalayim Erakodesh, in the wellspring of Miriam, in Harnof, where we're going to hear something this year that's going to reformulate the way that we see our Yiddish kite. That's why you came. And yet, that means you value it. And yet, when you got here, did you notice that there were parts of you that were fighting with the Rebbeim and the teachers and the mikhamchot and the rakazot were saying?

18:47 Did you start to notice that when somebody said something, you start going like, no. You ever hear that voice inside of yourself? You're like, I'm not interested. Stop it. They're pushing too hard. And then you always go, I don't see my life that way. And it almost always comes along with the following voice. What do you want me to give up? Right? What are you asking me to do? And all of a sudden it starts to become impossible. So for the rest of my life you want me never to fill in the blank again? For the rest of my life you mean that I have to fill in the blank forever? I'm never going to be able to, right? What is that a sign of? It's not a sign that you don't value it. You might value it tremendously. So why are you fighting it? Because growth requires you to confront your limitations. And when you confront your limitations, you might fail.

19:35 And we are terrified at the real world possibility? What if I can't do this? What if I fall short? What if I came here this year to beir Miriam? And I meant to be more inspired by my judaism? That's why I came? But what if at the end of the year? I'm not. And it won't be because you don't value judaism. It'll be because you think just like asav. I Can't Do This. I'm not a person who could do this. And what happens if I fail? There's real world consequences for failure. What if I can't develop the discipline necessary to keep Shabbos? What if I can't develop the discipline necessary to daven every day? And I can't tolerate the discomfort, right, of not immediately understanding everything, so I check out. That's how most people check out. And then not only that, those girls that do check out.

20:24 And it won't be, again, it won't be that they checked out because they don't value their Judaism. They'll have checked out because they don't want to stay in the discomfort of failure. Or at least the possibility of failure. So you know what they're going to start to do? It won't be a neutral thing. It'll be like, I hated it. You ever see girls who walk away from their seminary experience or guys who walk away from the Yushiva experience, ask them how you they were, and I go, I hated it. What precisely did you hate? You were 6,000 miles away from your parents. Even tonight wasn't chicken. And the chicken here is really good. I'll be honest, I Was A Little Disappointed I'm going to my room, I'm going to the dorms. What's this anger all about? You know what the anger is? It's the anger of I'm so deeply disappointed in myself.

21:44 I'm so deeply disappointed in myself that I didn't have enough courage to potentially fail at this. And every single thing that you've ever done great in your life required you to do one very simple thing. Step up and say this might not go well and I'm gonna try anyway I'm not a soccer guy, and I didn't have the most amazing summer. At the end of the summer, you know what I remember? I didn't have the most amazing summer, but I did learn something about myself. You know what I learned? I can leave my family, my parents, for four weeks and be okay. The next summer I went to a different camp, and it was awesome. It was a great camp. Objectively speaking, Mosheva was a better camp. This was a better fit for me. You learn things when you fail, no? It's not a problem to fail. The story we tell ourselves is that if we fail, what does Asav say?

23:04 Hina anochi hola chlamos. I'm gonna die. He has a consciousness of death. He has a consciousness of failure equals death. And that's what Yaakov is saying to him. Ya'vod is important. What should Asav's response have been if he was in self, if he was living in alignment with God? You know what he would have said? Well, that's the price you pay for greatness. If you fail on a grand scale, yeah, if you're high up, the fall is going to be precipitous. So you want to play the game of life walking two feet off the ground just because this way you'll never really hurt yourself. Or do you actually want to fly? Because anyone who did anything great with their lives took unbelievable risks. And they weren't afraid to fail because they said, even if I fail, my life isn't over. So, Asav says, I'm not going to try anything. And by the way, that makes sense, because when you confront death on the day that your grandfather dies, if your grandfather really loved you, and by the way, Avram Mevinu really loved Asav, right?

24:02 Because Avram Mevinu loved Yeshmael. Avram Mevinu knew what it meant like to love a tough kid. And Asav wasn't yet a tough kid. When was Asav's first day that he went off to Darach? Anybody know? It was the day that Avram Avinu died. Because until that point, Asav wasn't Asav Harasha. He hadn't done any of those avaris. When the people that you love die, you confront your own mortality, some people get terrified. I'm going to just finish up this year, and then I'm going to stick around a couple minutes afterwards to answer questions, because I know you have a lot, and all your questions are amazing. I just only have a couple minutes left, which is, by the way, why we should probably try to start a little earlier, just in general. I know it's hard, because the chef's food is amazing. We should probably try to start a little earlier.

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26:20 Eventually, all souls will be resurrected in the times of Mashiach and the times of Olam Haba. All souls will be resurrected. The Medrash tells us, Amr of Levi, tchiasam maisim bizah ima. Not only did Aesav hate the concept of being the bachar and having responsibilities with the possibility of death, he also hated the concept of tchiasam maisim. What does that mean? So I think it means like this. I think it means that sometimes you can't appreciate something in the immediate. You can only appreciate the long-term benefits. You know what I'm saying? Like sometimes the initial thing you have to do is really hard and might be hard for a while, but then you get good at it. You have to be able to appreciate not just what something is right now, because right now it could be really hard. But You Have to Appreciate What it could Mean in the Long-Term I'll give you a very silly example of this I Mean it's Mom it's a silly example You know for boys basketball is like a like an important sport right?

27:34 Basketball is different than Baseball Baseball like they give you like lightweight bats So even if you're very little in third and fourth grade you could already play baseball they put the baseball on a tee Try Playing Basketball when you're in fourth grade try playing basketball when you're nine If You're a 9 year old, think about how high the hoop is. It's 10 feet off the ground. You ever see little kids trying to play basketball? What do they do? They take the ball and they put it under their hand like this and then they heave it. They jump with all their might and what happens? They could barely reach the net. If you ask a kid in that moment, do you like basketball? What will he say? No. And probably even more than that. What will he say? I hate basketball. I'm going to go play football. I'm going to go play baseball, I can hit it off a tee, somebody's playing underhand softball, I can do that because I'm capable of it.

28:29 But what if somebody told you, in fourth grade, right now you can't shoot, and that's okay. We don't actually need you to shoot. But what we need you to do, and I actually had this conversation with my son recently, I said, what would happen if we said, just learn to dribble? Because dribbling is something a little kid can do, right? Just learn to dribble. With Both Hands The Long-Term Vision Right now this is hard. The question is not what do I want today, it's what do I want afterwards? What do I want at the end? Or to put it a little bit differently and here's how it ties in Chiasam Esem. What happens after you fail? You get back up. That's what Chiasam Esem is. Right now I stink at it. Okay, but I'm going to stay in there because there's a long-term benefit. But what if I fail? Eventually you'll get good at this. But in order to get good at it, what do you need to do?

29:48 Fail repeatedly you need to fail nobody in the history of the world has ever been good at anything without failure You know that the Gemara says that you only can really learn about things in the place you failed from them Failure is part of the program, failure is part of the system, failure is beautiful, failure is amazing The problem is we don't want to fail and why don't we want to fail? We don't want to fail because we think it means that we're a failure But girls, let's take this as like, if you failed at something, what does that make you? A failure or courageous? Do you want to be the girl? And think about this in your life. Do you want to be the girl that says, Yeah, I tried and gave up after the first time because it wasn't for me? How do you know it wasn't for you? Especially if the thing that wasn't for you is amazing.

30:36 And in an honest moment, you would say you really value it. Even now, even now, in this moment, as I'm speaking, I'm confident that there are some girls going, yeah, but maybe I don't value it. You're telling me that I value it, but maybe it's just like you brainwashing us that we value it. And it's hard to know, maybe I am brainwashing you. I mean, I hope I'm not. But maybe I am brainwashing you. Maybe I'm telling you that you value it when in reality what's happening, in reality, you do value it, but you're just terrified to fail. And you know what Asav did? Asav said, I don't want to fail. So he said, I'm out. And I despise it. And not only does he despise it, the Medrash tells us on the words Vayo Chavayesh that he ate and he drank. Listen to these words. Hech nis emo kat shalpritsem. He brought with him a group of disreputable people. That's a nice way of saying it. He brought with him a group of really like, rishawim.

31:32 Amrita nichol diday v'nichol chalav. We're gonna eat Yaakov's food and we're gonna laugh at him. This is what starts to happen, right? You get a group of girls together and you're like, we're not down for the Jewish experience. We're not down for B'erimirim. So we're gonna make our own little like like thing in the corner where we just like make fun of everybody else who's being growth oriented. You ever see a situation like that where people like kind of off to the side like making fun of everybody else? You know why you're making fun of everybody else? You're terribly jealous of them. You're terribly jealous that they had the capacity to stay in something that was hard and to work hard at it until they got it. Because when you get it, it's awesome. And when we stay on the side and we scoff and we muck, it's not because we're confident. If you have to make fun of somebody else, I promise you, it's not because you're confident.

32:20 You're making fun of somebody else, why? Because you're like, I don't know how to deal with this. It's too hard for me to look at them. They represent something that I wish I had. So it's easy to say on the side and go, see they're just a bunch of losers. Look at them with this Judaism thing. Look at them Look at the way they davened look at the way they keep Shabbos. What a joke. Look how brainwashed They got no these girls are keeping Shabbos these girls decided to connect Hashem through tfiloh. That's an unbelievable thing Look how seriously she's taking her classes She doesn't bring her phone to class anymore not even into the base measures because she's trying to lock in That's something to admire if you're sitting on the side and scoffing at her the hardest thing in the world It's because you're in terrible pain. I want to share with you that when you're being laughed at, it makes it really hard too, right?

33:09 Because then you start to doubt yourself. The biggest gift in the world is even if you're not there yet, support the people that are trying. It'll bring you up too when you support the people that are trying. When I was trying, when I was a kid, when I was 18 years old, your age, and I was trying, I had some friends that made fun of me. It's like roast culture, right? It's just a joke, but it's really not, right? And then you had the friends that were like, maybe I'm not where you are, but I'm proud of you. Those friends are your real friends, right? And they give you that, like, real momentum. They give you that real power. Regret? That's painful. Responsibility is even more painful. Because regret makes us ask really hard questions about ourselves. Someone else took advantage of me I never really had a choice what does asav do?

34:29 He says instead of saying yeah I messed up Yitzchak I really wanted to be the bechor And I was just too immature to be able to acknowledge it what does he say? Yaakov took it from me because that's what we do we blame others at the end of our journey we don't Look and take responsibility for ourselves because the responsibility is so painful So yeah, maybe I regret it on the inside, but I'll never actually take responsibility. And that's like, once you stop taking responsibility and you start blaming others, by the way, that's the end. Like, if you really wanted to change your life radically, you just have to be honest. Like, imagine a, I'll make up a story, imagine a girl who's going out with a guy, and she self-sabotages the relationship. You ever see people do that before? Like, it's getting serious, so they're like, Figure out how to make it bad and they self-sabotage the relationship, then they blame the other person for their own self-sabotage.

35:25 You know what happens? They keep doing it over and over and over again. Why? Because they don't even realize that they're the one self-sabotaging. Because to do that would be to take responsibility. To look inside and say, man, I really made some big mistakes. But you cannot change until you're willing to live in reality and take responsibility for your reality. Otherwise, you'll keep making the same mistakes over and over again. So people don't lie to avoid punishment. Why do people lie? People lie because then they say, I don't know who I am if I tell this truth. Like imagine if you actually got up and said, yeah, I'm not doing a great job being a wife. That's like a horrible thing to have to admit, right? Because imagine if your identity is like, I'm going to be a good wife, I'm going to be a good wife, I'm going to be a good wife.

36:12 I'm gonna be a good wife and now you're like, oh my god, what if I'm not? Like what if I'm actually showing up to this marriage in a way that I don't understand? And I'm actually hurting the other person So we don't want to do that because then they say if I made a serious mistake like that then there must be something fundamentally wrong with me So we defend every decision we've ever made and we leave ourselves no room to grow So Here's Your Gift Okay, this is what the tarah teaches us What was asav supposed to do? In a bad day, his grandfather died. He went off and did some terrible aviras. Yaakov Vinu said, you know life comes with responsibility and responsibility comes with consequences. Asav says, yeah, but I don't want to face those consequences. I'm not enough. And don't tell me that I can get back up after I fall. Once you fall, it's over. Once you make a mistake, that defines you. And now he comes back and he finds that Yaakov took his bracha.

37:05 And It's Over. What's the moment? What's the opportunity? One opportunity. And you get this opportunity every day. All you have to do is like this. You have to show up to Yitzchuk and you have to say the following words. I made a mistake. I was afraid. I regret that I behaved that way. I should never have done it. I wasn't willing to do what was necessary. But now I am. And once you acknowledge that it's possible that you're not going to do what you're doing, you're going to do what you're doing. It's Almost possible to do something different, all the possibilities came up but what did Aesav say, he said Yaakov took my bracha, once he said that, show was over Now Yitzchuk says, Alright, I'll give you a different bracha.Had Aesav regretted his mistake, it's quite possible, that Yitzchuk would have said to him Hashem, since you actually acknowledged who you are and why you did what you did, maybe there would have been room for Asav to be a balchuvah. Maybe there would have still been room for him to share the brachah with Yaakov. But instead he blamed Yaakov. And once you blame Yaakov, there's no more room left to grow. Don't blame other people for the life that you are leading. Be courageous, be brave, be radically honest. Take 100% responsibility For Your Side of the Street. Girls have a beautiful Shabbos.