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This week's question is, is it possible to fully do tshuva without regretting what you did wrong? For example, you did something wrong, but now you appreciate why it was wrong so much more than before you did the initial aveira, and you haven't done the aveira since. How do we do complete tshuva? Let's start with the last part of the question first. Many people get confused by the notion of exactly what is tshuva. The Rambha makes it very clear. The reason why this is valuable to us is because if we do an aveira, it's important that we have a clear process of return. The Rambha says complete tshuva means that a person recognizes and admits that they've done the aveira, they regret doing the aveira, they commit to not doing the aveira again in the future, and when the opportunity presents itself, they abstain from doing the aveira. Now, Regret is a critical part, according to the Rambam, of tshuva. So can you do a full tshuva without regret? No, you cannot.
But the questioner is asking something very important. The aveira that we did is part of a process of growth. So how can I regret the aveira that we did? So I believe the answer is as follows. Let's take marriage as a mashal. Imagine two people who love each other get into a fight. One of them transgresses, so to speak. They've done something wrong. Now, the truth of the matter is that every argument that a couple has. ultimately, hopefully, brings the couple closer to one another. So really, we should appreciate our differences in the arguments that we have. But we also recognize that the aveiras, so to speak, that we do to each other, they have an impact. They hurt. And even though they're part of a process, we regret the fact that we hurt the person that we love. So too when it comes to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Hakadosh Baruch Hu is our spouse.
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And when we do an aveira, we've brought something into the relationship that was against the ratzon of our spouse. Now, even if ultimately that's part of the process, the end game may be positive. But right now there's something that we've brought into the relationship that's hurtful, that's harmful. And ultimately that's something that we should regret. Most people conflate regret and shame. Shame means I am unworthy. So when a person is ashamed, they think if anybody would know this about me, I'm unworthy of acceptance, of belonging, of love. Subtitles by the Amara.org community, People are reticent to have regret because they think if anybody would really know who I am, I'd be unlovable. That's not regret. That's shame. Regret means this behavior is unworthy of myself. This behavior is unworthy of our relationship. I can't believe I did that. Now, the truth is a person has to have a very healthy psychology to do tshuva because go through the process again. There's the recognition and the admission that you did the aveira.
That's already not so simple. Most people are very defensive when it comes to relationships. I didn't really do it. It wasn't really my fault. I had no choice. Recognizing that you did the aveira takes a certain sense of self. Admitting that you did the aveira to another means that we recognize that we all sin. It's uncomfortable to talk about, but that's the truth. We all do things that we're not proud of. So when a person can actually admit to another that they did an aveira, that's a very, very high level of self-esteem that a person has because they recognize I'm okay despite my aveira. The regret that comes is exceptionally healthy because it reminds us of who we are. Who we really are. And that behavior is beneath ourselves. It's beneath the... godly dignity that we're all endowed with. It's certainly beneath our relationship with God. It brings something harmful into the relationship. From that positive psychology, a person can now come and say, I commit myself to not doing that avera again in the future. Just like we wouldn't do things that are beneath our dignity, so too we wouldn't do that avera. For example, when a child.
is little, he can play with little toys. But at some point, the child grows out of those little toys, and they don't want to play with little toys anymore. They want to do more adult type of things. And the same is true when it comes to our relationship with God. We can outgrow averas. We can recognize they're beneath us, and we can commit to not doing them again in the future. How will we know if we ultimately did tshuva when the avera presents itself, or the opportunity for the avera presents itself, and we say, no, this is no longer something I want to participate in. That is what it means to do full tshuva.
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