Parshas Mishpatim - After the Aveira

2:46 Who says it's yours? I know that sounds like a funny thing to say. Who says it's yours? You were entrusted with a life, but that doesn't mean that it belongs to you. Now people hear this and they bristle. They get very upset. And what do you mean? If my life doesn't belong to me, who does it belong to? It belongs to him. But you are given the opportunity to determine how you're going to use that life, because in every relationship there needs to be the opportunity to not participate in the relationship if you want it to be real. Marriage is not impressive if you can't get divorced. Marriage is impressive because I can get divorced and I choose not to. It's when everything is falling apart in the relationship and I choose to say, "I'm going to stay in this and stay loyal and stay committed." That's when you see marriage for real. You are given, you are gifted this life. Hakadosh Baruch Hu says, "Build a relationship with Me. Make this into a dwelling place in the world down below that we can live in together."

3:57 That's our responsibility. That's our charge. That's our mission. So we have a shmirah. We're given this life, and it's ours to determine what we're going to do with it. Let's say chas v'shalom, but it happens to all of us. It's v'gunav mi beis aish. Let's say we steal that life. Let's say the life becomes about us and not about him. For example, somebody gives me a loan and they say, I'm giving you this $20,000 loan to start a business. Instead, I go to Vegas. You didn't have the right to take that $20,000 and go to Vegas because I only gave you the $20,000 so that you could start a business with it. Otherwise, I never would have given you that loan. The only reason I gave it to you to start a business is because I'm confident that I'm going to get that money back. But if you go to Vegas, I now lack the confidence that the money is coming back. So if I go ahead and steal something, the halacha is a fascinating halacha in Judaism. You steal somebody's principle, you have to pay back double.

5:01 You stole ten thousand, you have to pay back twenty thousand. You stole twenty thousand, you have to pay back forty thousand. What's the inner teaching of this halacha? The Semach Tzadik says, an unbelievable word. He says the pshat is: If you steal from Hakadosh Baruch Hu, if you steal your life, if you steal your soul, if you don't act appropriately, but then you own it. In the end, you're going to gain twice as much. Which means to say as follows: I'll explain. There's a story of a man who was learning in Eishat Torah. And he was about tshuva. He was a person who, in his life, was not always observant, and he had found his way back to Judaism through Eishat Torah. A reporter came to Eish, and he was interviewing him about tshuva. And he asked him, "Who do you think gets more schar? You, or the kid who's growing up in Mea Shearim, who doesn't know anything about the outside world? Who gets more schar?" So he says, the kid in Mayashram.

6:17 The reporter was taken aback. He says, "Really?" He goes, "Yeah. You have to understand. For me, I know what's out in the world. I've seen the world in its fake. Like Hollywood today. They're the ones that are like, we're protecting women's rights. We're all for equality. Is there a greater movement that's objectified women than Hollywood?" Seriously, again, you'll forgive me for saying it like this But you don't find too many unattractive women in box office hits. Hollywood knows exactly what they're selling. The magazines know exactly what they're selling. Marketing knows exactly what it's selling. And for all the commercials, for all the Gillette commercials about the best a man can get, and we can do better, and there's a lot of value in that. But let's be real: when we look at the advertising world today, what exactly have they been saying for the last sixty, seventy, eighty years? I'm not here to talk about Gillette, and I'm not here to talk about the Me Too movement. I just think it's kind of funny because the ones that are the—I don't know how to say it nicely.

7:33 I'll just say it straight: the worst criminals are the ones that are getting up and complaining about the crime. There's a reason that they've objectified women. And to come along now and say, But it's all about equality. Frankly, it's comedic. So I know all that fakeness this guy says. I've been out in the world. Be'ediyah brura, it's a ridiculous world. Of course, I wouldn't want to participate in the world in that way. I want to engage the world in a godly way. But that kid in Me'usharim doesn't know what's out there. So for him, it's a big test. Because he hears about this thing, this great wide world, and nevertheless he stays loyal and committed, and he stays in his little enclosure. That's what that guy answered that day. Whether I agree with his answer or disagree with his answer, I think there's something we can learn from it.

8:24 I think what we can learn is as follows: Once you've been out there, if you return with that in your hand, you will have gained double. It's better. I know it sounds like a crazy thing, but it's better. And Chazal say it beferish. A person who does tshuva, if he does tshuva but meava and he does a real tshuva, his donos are nasalo keschuyos. His averos become merits for him. But what does that mean? They become schuyos for him. We have to understand that deeply. Schuyos means doesn't mean that your averos turn into mitzvos. It says your donos. Nasalo kischuyos, they become merits for you. Why? Because when you have the courage to say, "I was wrong," when you return with that in hand, it changes you. Zdonos means your averes, the things you did bemezid on purpose. Nasalo, they become for you kischuyos, they become merits.

9:25 For him, it's not. For me, if I did an avera and then I do tshuva me'ava, I do a real loving return to God. The avera that I did b'meizid becomes a merit for me. How did that happen? The answer is because everything has the capacity to change you. So many people are stuck because they think I did the avera. Now it's over. I can't come back. I'll tell you a true story. Young man in yeshiva, The year is going on. He's doing great. He says, "Rabbi, we need to talk." Says, "Sure, let's take a walk." We're walking. About three minutes into the walk, he starts bawling, crying like you can't imagine, like heaving sobs. I put my arm around him. What's going on? And choking between his tears, he finally gets it out. All my life, I knew I wanted to be a rabbi.

10:27 And now I know I'm never going to be able to be a rabbi. I said, "Why? Why can't you be a rebbe? What a beautiful thing! You want to share our kedush baruch hu's Torah with others. He goes, Rebbe, you don't know the averes that I've done. So I'm like But you could still be a rebbe even if you did averes. He goes, no, not these averes, Rebbe. I did the worst possible averes. So I said to him, could you give me an example? The averes you've done. He starts telling me the averes he's done, and bad averes. Not like your average run of the mill averes. Bad averes. But he was so convinced that he couldn't be a rebbe. So I said to him, "Just because you did these averes, you think you can't be a rebbe?" And this is what he said to me: "You don't understand. The rebbeim that I've had in my life, they barely made mistakes in their life, let alone did these things."

11:27 I can't be a rebbe because I know what it means to be a rebbe. I know what it means to be someone who never made these mistakes, and I'm too far gone. So I started laughing at him, which is not the right thing to do. If somebody's crying, you shouldn't go. I asked, do you really think your rebbeim were like perfect? He said, I really do. I asked, do you consider me one of your rebbeim? He said, of course. And I said, Have any idea who I am? He said, I know Rebbe says, but come on! I said, This is awesome. You bought the lie. You think I'm awesome, but this is not true. And I started telling him these stories of all these people in my life, people that I grew up with, that were quite frankly some of the biggest mess ups as kids, and where they are today.

12:26 I'll share with you just one of the stories. I can't give too many details because it'll possibly give it away. It's one of my favorite stories. Two boys, Ruven and Shimon. Can't give you any more details than that. Ruven and Shimon were not exactly your model talmidim in high school. They were involved in kuminei dvarim. Trying to keep it somewhat. They enjoyed themselves. They were looking to have a good time, and they had a good time. They were both thrown out of high school. They went to a different high school where they continued to enjoy themselves. I knew them from the first high school. These guys were like when people said those guys. These were those guys. You know what I'm saying? Oh you know them. I was like yeah I was with them originally. You know like two very smart young men. But not exactly behaving according to the rules of their schools, of their families, of their religion. One of them was going to a school that was more known as a rehab in Israel when he came to Israel.

13:43 The other was going to a pretty mainstream place, but he was arrested on the plane. He never actually made it to the yeshiva. In fact, I remember Ma'ishan Olam when it happened. Like a Jewish secret is told one person at a time. So I remember when I got word in yeshiva, Did you hear about this guy? He got arrested on the plane. I'm like, no way, that's awesome. So he ended up in this rehab type yeshiva with his good friend. They were best friends their whole life. They both went on to do exceptionally well in these yeshivas. One of them today is a dayan. A dayan. A dayan is like a judge, not just pasquining shilas, but you sit on a bezdin and complicated financial halachos come to you and you. He got dayanos from Rav Asher Weiss. That's where his smicha is from. That's one of them.

14:57 And the other one is very chasub a rebbe in a high school in a very serious high school. And a couple of years ago, a boy came from this more yeshivish high school and he came to NCSY Kolle for the summer. And I teach on NCSY Kollel. He was not inspired. He was like one of these kids, coming from NCSY Kollel, but not really into it. That summer he got lit up on fire. He decided, that's it. I'm in full Thirant. Now he has a big decision to make. He was coming his summer after his 11th grade year, and he comes to me and he says, 'Rebbe, can we talk? I have a big decision to make.' I said, 'Sure. What's the decision?' He says, 'I don't know what to do. On the one hand' I'm into it now. I should go to the more serious shir. Because if you're into it, you should go to the more serious shir. But that rebbe, he's not gonna get me. You don't understand. He is serious business, and he's a serious dude. I don't think he's gonna understand that I come from a more modern background. So I asked him, do you mind if I ask you what the rebbe's name is? He says Shimon's name.

16:17 I think it'll be okay. So he's like, Why does Rabbi say that? I don't know. I think he might understand you better than you think. And he's like, I don't think he can. I don't know if you know him, but he is Hardcore. He is constantly learning. Still I think you can open up to Aviela. He asked, 'Really, you think so?' I said, 'Just give it a shot.' Now I remember. Again, I can't give away too many details. I remember when this guy Shimon got engaged. I'll tell you why I remember when he got engaged. Because this very choshev a rabbi who I knew very well comes to me and she says, 'I get a mazel tov.' I said, 'Mazel tov. My daughter got engaged.' I said, Wow, that's awesome. To who? She says, To Shimon. That's great. I know him. She said, From where? I said, From high school. She said, You must be thinking about somebody else. He didn't go to your high school. He went to this other high school. I'm like, Yeah. But you know, sometimes the words are coming out of your mouth before you're thinking. So I'm like, Yeah. He was first in this high school and then he was in that high school. And you see this rabbit and she's like, Oh.

17:45 Like very clearly, Information she did not know. She's like, I didn't realize because I thought he went from this high school to the Mir, and then to this other yeshiva back in America, and then back to the Mir, and then back to this other. That's exactly what happened. That's the path. They did find out eventually. But it was so funny. She explained to me that really her daughter was waiting to date somebody else. And this guy came along, and they didn't really do any research, and she ended up going out with him, and they ended up getting married before they even knew what was going on, and it all worked out well, and now he's a rebbe in her husband's yeshiva, and he's awesome. You know why he's so awesome? Because he gets it. Because he's been there. Somebody once told me that the godless of Rav Weimberger, Rav Meir Shlomo Weimberger, in the Five Towns, somebody told me his godless is that he never forgot what it was like to be 16 years old.

18:55 And the reason why he can speak to the generation is because he never forgot. It's a big avoda when you start to get a little older in life. You're gonna forget. I know you promised yourself. When I become a mother, I'm never gonna forget how annoying it was when they told me to button that button. Fill in the blank. You will forget. You will forget. I've reminded myself. I understand. Twenty years from today Put it in. Who knows? Who knows if they'll still be Google? Who knows if they'll still be Google that it'll come up on your calendar? But the point is, you probably, with maybe one exception, will forget. But there's value in not forgetting. Because if you don't forget, you get to take it with you. It's not that it becomes a mitzvah. The avera doesn't become a mitzvah. The avera is the avera, but it becomes something exceptionally growth-oriented. You girls, when you go to shul on Friday night, and I hope, especially while you're in seminary, you do take the opportunity to go to shul on Friday night. When you get older and you have children, you might not be able to do so. Take advantage. But you'll see in shul on Friday night, by bowi kala.

20:06 At the end of lechadodi, what do we do? We turn around and face the door and bow, then we turn around towards the Aron Kodesh and bow again. Why? Of course, because we're greeting the Shabbos Kallah. But there's an unbelievable pshat that I once heard. Because when you're in Shabbos mode, you get to turn around to the week and say, 'You're coming with me.' A lot of times, people want to leave their week behind. I'm just in Shabbos. I don't want to. I can't. I can't go to my mundane world and all the averas that I did. I can't take them with me. No. You got to take your averas with you. Because in the end, if you do tshuva for an avera, it's not that you don't regret the avera. Of course, you regret the avera. But you're not ashamed of the avera. Regret is a healthy thing.

20:57 When I was growing up, that was my catchphrase: no regrets. I'm gonna do whatever. No regrets. We're all thinking that. I don't know what that means, but I'm not sure I want to know. But that was my thing, no regrets. So the first time I ever asked out a girl in high school, I was really nervous. I got to do it. You just gotta put yourself out there because if you don't do it now, you're never gonna do it. It was a camp thing. So you just gotta put yourself out there. You gotta put yourself out there. You gotta put yourself out there. I said, "Okay, I got it. Last day of camp. Brilliant move. Why? Because if she says no, last day of camp. And we didn't have cell phones back then. We didn't have ways of keeping in touch in the same way. It wasn't going to be all over Facebook. She would have told a couple of her friends. I'll get over it."

21:56 So comes the last day of camp. In the morning, I've got this whole speech prepared in my head. Fifteen-year-old moron that I was. It was a great summer. I don't want to have any regrets. We've become really close this summer, and I really want to ask you out. That was my speech. So the first time I see her, maybe it's like 9:30 in the morning, 10 o'clock in the morning, and I go over there and I go like, "Great summer, no regrets," and I walked away because I couldn't bring myself to say it. An hour and a half later, I saw her again. I was like, Best summer. No regrets. Camp is starting to like almost be over. See you one last time. Really, awesome spending time with you this summer. No regrets. I walked away.

23:01 I got on the bus. Roger, the bus driver, former cop, working for Rivland Bus. I work for Rivland Bus. Roger was the bus driver. That morning, I told Roger we were close. I said to Roger, "Masking her out today." He's like, "Good for you, man." I get on the bus. He goes, "Did you do it?" I said, "No, I chickened out three times." He looks at me. This is why you got to be careful with the influences in your life. You got to do it, man. You got to do it. It's not too late. You're living vicariously through a 15-year-old. You got to do it. So I said, don't go anywhere. I was on the bus. All the kids are on the bus. Don't go anywhere. I saw her across the parking lot. She was on the other side of the fence. I was within the fence where all the buses were. What kid? I ran over to her. I'm not going to besmirch the name of the camp.

24:00 I ran over there. I said, "Hey" Really, an amazing summer. No. It's worse. Trust me. I don't want to have any regrets, and I would really regret if I didn't ask you out. And then I took off and ran back on the bus. And I told Roger, "I'm like, just drive." And he steps on the gas. It's like going two miles an hour because it's a roofline bus. He steps on the gas and he's like, "What'd she say?" I'm like, "She's driving, she's driving." He's like, "What'd she say?" I'm like, "I don't know." He goes, "What do you mean you don't know?" I didn't wait for her to answer. " (Laughter) So he's like He's like, you didn't wait for her to answer. I'm like, 'I didn't have the guts to ask. Maybe she would say no, so I just took off.' I figured that night I go home. I get a phone call: 'Are you available to babysit?' Babysitting's good money. I'm available to babysit. Sure, no problem. I go over to these people's houses in Farakway. I get the kids to sleep because that's the avoda. Get the kids to sleep as soon as possible. It's like five o'clock in the afternoon. The mother said it's bedtime. It's still light out. It's the summer? Changing all the clocks.

25:13 Getting all the phone rings. Pick up the phone. It's this girl. I'm like I'm like, hey. She's like, what was that? So I said, how'd you get this number? She said, called your house, they told me you were here, I got the number, I called. I'm like, cool. She's like What was that? So I'm like I didn't have the guts to hear the answer. And then she didn't answer. We spent the night talking. So I guess we were going out. And I did marry her. Stop! I want her to tell the story. You want her to tell the story? Oh yes! I think she'd probably tell the story the same way. She'd be like, "This idiot kid." It was very clear what he was trying to do. By the way, she used to tell people like, "No, I didn't date boys in high school because she never officially said yes" "Right?" So it was like, "You date Noah high school?

26:41 No, she kept breaking up with me. What was that? What about through Yeshiva? The best thing she ever did is that she broke up with me before I came to Israel for the year. I was a year older than her. We didn't speak the entire year. Because she said, "I want you to have your year. You do you, and I'll spend the year after that." And we didn't get back together until Israel. I did know her in high school. "No regrets" was my tagline. But if you think about it, that's the dumbest thing in the world, right? Because if you get older and you realize that the behavior you were doing, the way you were acting, if you realize that was a bad way of behaving, isn't it a healthy thing to say, yeah, that was beneath me? When people say no regrets, what they really mean is this: put yourself out there. But if you're a normal person, it's normal and it's healthy to go, ugh, I regret doing that. But that's a far cry from being ashamed. Ashamed means that you're not worthy of people's love if they know who you are.

27:49 Ashamed is the girl that can't come to her rebbe and say in an honest and open way: 'Last night I made a very big mistake and I don't know what to do and I need help.' Ashamed is the person that can't go to a parent and say, 'I know I violated the rules of this house, I know you set standards for us and I know that I might get in trouble for this. But you love me more than anything and I want you to know that I did this last night because frankly I could use the help.' The reason we don't do that is because we're ashamed. If we tell them who we really are, we'll be unlovable. And those inner negative beliefs that we have destroy us. But once you confront them, and you say, 'No, this is something I did,' you also realize this is not who I am. And that's where change occurs. Change is when you say, 'I'm not going to be ashamed of the avera that I did.' You get double when you do that. It's not just that the avera becomes a slus for you for your life. Now you get to say, 'I have this wisdom of having made that mistake and I'll never make it again.' You know, Benjamin's original name from Yaakov Avinu was what?

29:00 It was Ben Oni. Son of my affliction, because his wife died in childbirth. So why was he called Benjamin? One of the mafarshim explains that he's called Benjamin because life will be his teacher. When you don't have parents, who teaches you life? Life is a cruel teacher because you're gonna make mistakes. You were 16. You were 15, you were 17, you were 18. You're kids, guys. I know we teach you this lie that at 18 years old you're an adult. It's not true. 18 year olds are kids. 22 year olds are kids. We think we know it all. You turn around, you'll be in your 30s. You'll go, what was I thinking? And I'm sure that I'm going to turn around in my 40s and 50s and think the same exact thing about where I am right now. You're always learning in life. You have a choice. You were given a godly soul.

29:54 And did you steal it? Were there times where you used it inappropriately in ways that you're really not proud of? Have you done things that you're just like, 'Yeah,' after that, there's no coming back. There are people in this room that think that about themselves. I've done this thing, and there is no coming back from that. I've ruined it forever. Last week, somebody said that to me. Last week, one of the guys said it to me. He said, 'Rebbe, there's no coming back from this.' He's wrong. Not only can you come back from it You'll be twice as good. Does that mean we should go out and do averes lechatchila? You will. You'll go out, and you're going to make mistakes just because life is trial and error. Your parents told you not to do this. What did you do? You did it anyway. Stupid things. Really stupid things. I'm not even talking about averes for a second. Texting and driving is a stupid thing to do. Putting on makeup while you're driving is a stupid thing to do. And yet, when you drive around, what do you see?

30:57 You see this. People with their visor flipped open, and this is how they're driving, as if they could see out of the bottom of their eyelids because they check. What are you doing? What is going on in your life that you had no time for? I just have to adjust my makeup. Adjust it when you're there. But it's so dumb. Do you realize you're endangering your life and the life of the people in your car and the passengers that are on the road so that you can adjust your makeup or so you can send that text? What was so urgent? You needed to send that smiley face emoji to that person. It was life and death. So maybe something bad happens, and it's not something to be proud of. But you know what? I bet you'll never do it again. I bet the way you speak about it will be different.

31:55 I think it's interesting that this halacha is taught right after Harsinai. Because after Harsinai, we were on such an amazing level. The lesson we were being taught was that it won't always be this way. You're going to make mistakes. The question is how you choose to behave after you've made the mistake. After you made the mistake, you have two options. Number one, it's over because you've lost your perfection, which you weren't perfect to begin with, and there was no chance you were ever going to keep that way. Or number two, this is going to be the most growth-oriented thing that ever happens to you. I'm going to take this. I'm going to learn from it. I'm going to change who I am. I'm going to become the person I know I have inside of me. I'm going to transmit this to others. It's going to inform the way I see the world. It's going to inform the way others see me.

32:43 Be smart. Don't give up on yourself just because you did something really dumb. The biggest people you know are that big because they've made mistakes. Look at all the great entrepreneurs that are out there. You know what they'll tell you? How many mistakes I've made, how many tens of thousands of dollars I've lost because I made these mistakes. It's part of the price of doing business. You can't become a multi-millionaire if you're not willing to make mistakes. And it's the same thing in Judaism. You can't serve God without making mistakes. God doesn't ask you not to make mistakes. He just asks you to recover, to learn from those mistakes, to become the people we know we have inside of us.