Mishpatim - Judging Imperfect People

2:37 So there's a halacha that's darshened out from this vav that the Sanhedrin needs to sit adjacent to the Beis Hamikdash. That the Sanhedrin needs to be in the proximity of the Mitzbeach, and the Maral asks the question, very famous question. He says, what does one have to do with the other? What does the Beis Hamikdash have to do with Sanhedrin? What does the Mitzbeach have to do with Sanhedrin? The Mitzbeach is a vertical relationship; it's between us and Hakadosh Baruch Hu. The Sanhedrin is a horizontal relationship. It's between every person in Klal Yisrael and every other person of Klal Yisrael. What does one have to do with the other? That's the first question for tonight. What is the inner pneumas of this halacha that the Sanhedrin in some way is connected to the Mizbeach? Also, a very classic question that's asked is: What does it mean?

3:43 That the mishpatim need to be put in front of us. How would you have said it? I imagine if I was writing the Torah, it would have said, 'And these are the halachos.' What does it mean? And these are the mishpatim that are meant to be put in front of them. What's this lashon of lefnei? So I want to share with you a very beautiful answer. If we go back to last week's parsha One of the halachos of building the mizbeach is losivne esen gazus. You're not allowed to build the mizbeach from hewn stones. If you go to the Kotel, you see that the stones are perfectly shaped. The stones of the mizbeach are natural stones. They haven't been formed by iron in any way. They haven't been shaped. What is that halacha? What is it meant to teach us? Many years ago, probably in one of the most inspiring shiurim I ever heard in my entire life. A sheir that changed the way that I saw myself.

4:46 And the way that I saw my relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Based on Chasidus The Medrash in Parshas Naso explains that what is the purpose of this world? Why were we created? The Medrash says, 'Nisave Hakadosh Baruch Hu lios loyos barach dira betachtonim.' What does Hakadosh Baruch Hu desire? He desires to have a dwelling place in the world down below. Hakadosh Baruch Hu created a world, a low world, a material world, an imperfect world, a coarse world, a world where Hakadosh Baruch Hu's presence is not felt. Is not seen. In order to invite us to participate in a relationship with Him, where dafka here in this world This changes radically the entire direction of Yiddishkeit. We tend to think, and it's a mistake. We tend to think that the purpose of religion is to transcend this world, to go beyond this world, above this world. Somehow, we have the feeling that, in order to be a good Jew, it means that I'm supposed to be perfect.

5:58 And there's a certain—I don't want to speak in a not nice way, but I think the Hamayim Yehovah and you'll understand what I'm saying. There's a certain. Who do we label as the good girls? Who's the good boys? The good boys are the ones that never struggle. I'm in the middle of doing all the bechinos for the vaseret now Which is Baruch Hashem a tremendous schuss. But also, if I'm being honest with you, I've been in I was in Stern for Shabbos two weeks ago. I took a red eye to LA. I went to Chicago. I was in Chicago for Shabbos. I flew into the five towns late Matzah Shabbos. I think, without exaggeration, that I've done in the last week and a half. I want to say, I don't know, somewhere between one hundred and seventy-five and two hundred interviews. I don't know for those of you that are post-sem. I don't know if I could hear one more young man say to me, "I'm really looking to grow." Oh, you're looking to grow. Now I know who you are. It's a beautiful thing to see all these young men.

6:58 But who's labeled as a good boy? Who are the ones that every yeshiva wants? It's the perfect ones. The ones that these boys have never made a mistake. And we tend to put those boys up on a pedestal. These are the guys in the top shir. These are the guys that never struggle. These are the guys that never went through anything, and they're great boys. And we tend to paint the picture that the best boys and the best girls are the ones that never make a mistake. And the direction of yiddishkeit is meant to be perfection. I have to stop making mistakes, and my problem is that I make mistakes over and over again. When the Medrash says Nesaveh Hakadosh Baruch Hu, Lios Lo Yisbarach Diru B'Tachtonim, that Hakadosh Baruch Hu desires to dwell in the world down below, that means that Hakadosh Baruch Hu created an imperfect world, and that's a feature, not a bug.

7:51 Hakadosh Baruch Hu desires our imperfect world and the meeting place. Between us and Hakadosh Baruch Hu is right here in this imperfect world. This is where we're meant to dwell. And to think that to be a yid and to be someone who's stigging and to be an eved Hashem is to be perfect is a fatal flaw. You have a young girl. It's summer after tenth grade. You know what I mean? It's summer after tenth grade, and now she crossed the line that she promised herself she wasn't going to cross. Remember in eighth grade when you made that promise to yourself, I'm never going to do that. And remember summer after tenth grade exactly when the first time that you did that. Everyone has that moment where they start to give up on themselves, where they start to feel like a certain sense of chalishus. The Rebbeinu Shalom is not interested in me because I've done so many averes.

8:44 And it's exactly the opposite. And this was the line that changed my life. What does Hakadosh Baruch Hu want from us? He wants us to invite Him in into our imperfection. That's what it means to be a good Jew. To be a good Jew does not mean that I'm not going to make the same mistakes. You will make the same mistakes, and I'm telling you right now, you will make them repeatedly. And you might think I've gotten past them, but I'm telling you a secret. I'm 45 years old and I'm a grandfather, and I'm telling you, I'm still doing the same averas that I did when I was 16 years old. They look a little bit different now. They look a little bit more complex. My averas are leveled up. It's a little strange for me. I'm going with you. There are several girls in this room who I was friends with your dad in high school. And some of you even look like your parents. I'm saying, like, I've it's a strange thing to be 45 years old to come back to the five towns, and in a certain way, you see yourself just as you did when you were 16.

9:40 You and you might have a sense of chalishas, like when am I ever going to stop doing this? And you know what the answer is? Maybe the answer is I don't know. I don't know if maybe when I get to my 80s, maybe when I get to my 90s, maybe I'll be done then. My avodas Hashem right now is not to try to suppress who I am. It's to try to invite Hakadosh Baruch Hu into the complexity of my life. It means having an honest conversation with Hashem. It means coming to Hashem and saying Chatasi Avisi Pashati. I can take accountability. I did the wrong thing, and I'm not embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed to come to Hakadosh Baruch Hu and say Rebbeinu Shalom. I'm imperfect. I don't know about you. I can only speak for myself, but I'm trying to speak as authentically as possible. Did you ever have a time where you woke up in the morning and you went to daven to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, and somewhere in your heart you said I can't talk to Hakadosh Baruch Hu because I know who I really am and I know what I did last night.

10:37 I know what I did last night.' A young man said this to me. It was an unbelievably inspiring moment. He said, 'Rebbe, I'm not davening shachris not because I can't wake up in the morning. I could wake up in the morning. I can wake up in the morning. I can even say the words of davening. I just can't look at Hakadosh Baruch Hu in the face, so to speak, and I can't be honest with him and say I deserve anything from you because I know who I really am. And I said to him, and I mean this really not about him. I really mean it about myself. And if it means something to you, then great. You're not parents yet. Some of you are parents, but most of you are not parents yet. And when you become a parent, I promise you, this is going to be the way you'll feel. If I would tell my daughter You're going out to the mall.

11:24 I don't want you taking the bus home. I live in Eretz Yisrael. It's not a great neighborhood. By the time you finish in the mall, it's going to be very late at night. Please don't take the bus home. Here's an extra hundred shekel. Take a cab. Take a cab home. I don't want you to take the bus home. And then my daughter is in some shop in the mall. I don't know the names of all the shops. Zara's is Zara's the thing. She shows up to one of those shops, and the dress that she wants is a hundred shekel more than the amount that she has. So in a moment of silliness, in a foolish moment, what does she do? She says it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission, and she spends the extra hundred shekel. And now she's sitting there, and it's late at night. She's going to take a bus back, and she walks out of the mall, and she realizes it's a bad neighborhood. I should not be taking the bus in this area.

12:16 So now she's stuck. If she calls me Then I'm gonna say to her, "Why? I dafka gave you the money because I didn't want you to be in this neighborhood. I didn't want you to be in this position." But if she doesn't call me, she's in danger. What this young woman doesn't know is what a father desperately wants in that moment is to call. The thing that a parent wants most in the world, when you're stuck, is to please call me. It's I know you say that you made a mistake. Maybe I'll give you mussar later, but right now you're in a predicament, and I want to help you. What does the Rebbeinu Shalom want from us? The Rebbeinu Shalom wants that last night I was in a funny place and I did something I shouldn't have done, and it was undignified, and I feel terrible about it. But now we're coming to the Rebbeinu Shalom and saying I can't daven to you Fakert.

13:05 This is the time that our Kadosh Baruch Hu wants us to dive into Him the most. But we have a broken mentality where we believe that what the Rebbeinu Shalom wants from us is perfection. The Rebbeinu Shalom is not interested in perfection. He created an imperfect world, and He comes to us in this imperfect world, and He says, 'Invite Me in. Let's vabrem together. Let's have a tish together. Let's have a conversation. Let's talk. Let's be real with one another. What is the beauty of imperfection?' There's godless in imperfection. There's value in imperfection. But we are so deeply ashamed of who we are that how many of us can really find the beauty in our imperfection? There's beauty in every aspect of who we are. There's beauty in the areas where we excel, no doubt. For those of us that are striving and we're doing great, there's unbelievable beauty in those areas. But there is just as much beauty in the areas where we're not excelling.

14:02 There's beauty to be mined. There's pain that's underneath the surface. Why are girls acting out? Why are guys acting out? Why does that 16-year-old act out? Why does that 18-year-old act out? Why does that 20-year-old act out? Because they're bad. Because they don't know the truth. They know the truth. But something is going on inside of them that's leading them to that behavior. What is that thing? There's beauty in that area. There's beauty in that discovery. I'll share with you one of the worst things that I've ever done in my entire life. I know this might not sound like a big deal, but to me, I still live with the Tsar from this. I had a Rebbe in high school. By the time tenth grade rolled around, when I was growing up here in the Five Towns, I was really pretty checked out. Again, I shouldn't even admit this story publicly, but I'm only saying it to share a point.

14:52 I wasn't davening. I wasn't davening. You have to come to school. You have to daven. The Rosh Yeshiva, the Rebbeim are walking around. I had my tefillin on. I was sitting and talking to my friend. I had a great Rabbi, a real tzaddik, a gem of a guy. He came over to me, and rather than giving me mussar He came over to me and he said He brought over a sefer and he goes, I don't know if you know, but there's a halacha that you're not supposed to talk during davening right now. And he showed me the halacha inside. And as a punk, fifteen-year-old kid. I'll never forget this. I turned him publicly. I embarrassed him publicly, and I said, "You know what the problem is?" You think I care what it says in the book. You're showing me the sefer. You think I care what it says in the sefer. I am so far removed from this sefer.

15:40 But what I, there was truth to what I was saying. There was some truth to it. The truth of what I was saying was that there's something inside of me that's not working. Don't come to me with a halacha sefer and tell me what the halacha is. There's something inside of me that's not working, and I want to share with you honestly. For me, it was a deep sense of shame. I knew the right thing was to daven. I knew the right thing was not to talk during davening. I wasn't talking during davening because I didn't understand that the halacha was that I shouldn't. I was talking during davening because I was deeply disconnected from myself. And there's something beautiful about discovering the deep disconnect that's inside of ourselves. You might be asking yourself, what could possibly be beautiful about that? Because when you actually do the work When you actually look longingly at the beauty of our imperfection, you realize that underneath that disconnection is the desire for connection.

16:35 I'll give you an example. Let's say a husband and a wife are fighting. It's painful. Two people who love each other so much, feeling so distant from each other. You might say, "What's the beauty in that lack of shalom bayis?" Wouldn't the most beautiful thing be if they had perfect shalom bayis? Nobody has perfect shalom bayis. For those that are not married, I know you all have this dream that you're going to stand under the chuppah and you're going to do it better than your parents. I have bad news for you. Your parents sat under the chuppah and they thought the same thing as you're thinking, and so did their parents, and so did their parents. I have a friend, a tzaddik of a guy. Under his chuppah, I was an aid under his chuppah, and his masader kedushin was a little bit of a funny person, a very chashavirav.

17:21 The masader kedushin looked at me and he goes, "How much does it annoy you to know that this couple is never going to have shalom bayis issues? Because this is my good friend, who's the sweetest guy in the world, and he married one of those edel made lachin. I'm talking about like this girl. And he was that girl also. And he said it into the mic, and everybody started laughing. I was like, "Rebbe, maybe not now. We don't have to have the conversation." But I'll tell you the truth. I think he was wrong. I think he was wrong. I think they also have shalom bayis issues. People have challenges in their marriage. That's beautiful. What's beautiful about it? It's the desire. First of all Only you can hurt me. I used to tell my mother. I said, "Mom" I don't really get angry except for you. "Only you can make me angry." Just looking around the room to see how many people can empathize with me on that one. That's really nice. About eighty percent of you are my friends, and the rest of the twenty percent there are not telling the truth. Eighty.

18:19 Nobody can make us upset like our parents. Why? Because we love them so much. Nobody can make us upset like our spouses because we love them so much. Underneath that disconnection is the pain of if we could put subtitles on couples fighting. You know what it would look like. How could you have done this? I love you so much and I want to be so close to you. Why are you pulling away from me? When a wife says to her husband "You spend too much time at the office," the subtitle is, "I would love to spend more time with you." What the husband hears is, "I'm inadequate," and what does he want? I deeply want to be adequate for you. If we mined underneath that disconnection, we would find the most beautiful expressions of love expressed in the poorest possible form. If you have a young woman who's struggling in a certain area of Yiddishkeit, I promise you that if you drill down on that area, you will find the most beautiful desire to connect. I have not yet found in my chinuch career. This is a line from Rabbi Nachman of Breslov: somebody who does an avera and makes a siyum.

19:25 I've never seen it. I've never seen somebody who does an avera and says that was awesome. Let's do it again. People feel something inside of us. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't sit right because I acted unaligned with my highest self. There's beauty in that imperfection. Can you bring it in? Can you talk to the Rebbeinu Shalom about your imperfection? Having a mizbeach that's imperfect is a way of Hakadosh Baruch Hu saying, 'Bring your imperfection here to an imperfect mizbeach.' It's not smooth. All the pictures make the mizbeach look beautiful. It's not true. The mizbeach was made of unhewn stones. Stones that were imperfect. And we come to the Rebbeinu Shlom with our imperfection. The Rebbeinu Shlom says, 'Put your imperfections here on this imperfect place. This imperfect place—that's where you and I will find our connection when we get honest with the Rebbeinu Shlom.' Rebbeinu Shlom, I'm not proud of what I did last night. It's not who I really am, and yet I find myself doing it so many times. I don't even know how to escape at this point. I feel like this who I am. I'm so identified with this avera that this me.

20:30 And in that space, there's a tender voice of the Rebbeinu Shalom that calls out to us that says, "No, it's not." It's not you. You are the person that comes to them as be'ach. You are the person that brings in your imperfection. That's the beauty of imperfection. That's what Hakadosh Baruch Hu wants from us. He's not looking for us to be perfect. Rashi says, "That's where you build the Sanhedrin." The Sanhedrin has to stand adjacent across from the Mizbeach. Why? Because you could come into the Sanhedrin And you could come to the Sanhedrin, and they're going to give you the halacha. You owe this amount of money. You did this wrong. The way of Sanhedrin is to create unflinching categories, and that's what halacha should be. Halacha is meant to be categories. This right, and this wrong. This muter and this aser This poter and this chayev. Those categories are important.

21:35 And yet If halacha does not come with a sensitivity to a human being, then there is something wrong with the way that we are communicating halacha. Halacha has a pulse. Halacha has a neshama. The categories are unflinching. Halacha doesn't change, but the way that we deliver it absolutely changes. I want to share with you an amazing story. A young couple came to Rav Asher Weiss. Rav Asher Weiss is the Av Besdin of a massive Besdin in Yerushalayim. He's a world-renowned paisek. He's an unbelievable genius. And one of the most genuine, authentic people you'll ever meet. I had the opportunity a couple of weeks ago to drive him in the car. Every year I have once or twice a year that I get to drive Rav Usher, and every time I have enough content from that one 20-minute car ride to last me for an entire year. I mamish feel like when I'm with Rav Usher, it's like a place of clarity from a real gadol b'taira.

22:42 He told me the following story. He said a young man came to me at a shiloh. They were engaged. He had a shayla. He came to Rav Asher, and Rav Asher said, "I'm sorry, it's aser." He went back to his kallah, and the kallah said, "It's not. I can't accept that. It's aser. I can't accept that. It's aser." So she said, "You have to go back to Rav Asher again." The young man came to Rav Asher again. Rav Asher said, "I'm sorry, it's aser." He came back, and he said, 'He said Rav Asher says it's aser.' She said, 'It's. I can't. It can't be aser. It just can't be.' So the young man came back to Rav Asher. He said, 'Rabbi, what am I supposed to do? You keep telling me that it's aser.' I go back to my kallah and she says I can't do it. He says, Why don't you bring your kallah in? This young couple came to Rav Asher And they asked Shaila to Rav Asher, and Rav Asher said It's Aser. The kallah started crying. And Rav Asher said it's Motter.

23:31 The boy said, Rebbe, what happened? I came to you already twice. You said it was Aser. I came to you just now. You said it was Aser. What happened? Rav Asher said, 'You didn't tell me she was crying.' That's a gadol b'taira. There was a level of flexibility that they were able to have, and alpidin, alpi the one hundred percent black and white ruling of Shulchan Aruch, it should have been usher. But the heter that was shyach, the room to be makil. When Rav Usher saw that this girl was crying, he said, there's room for a kula. Because alacha has a sensitivity to it. The way that we teach halacha, and frankly, the way that we learn halacha, and I'm sure it's true in Ska, but I really mean this for everybody—not just the way that we teach, but the way that we learn it. Of course, a person has to learn halacha, and a person has to strive that I should be following halacha uncompromisingly. Halacha is my destination everywhere that I go. The word halacha—I'm walking in this way.

24:32 And yet. Halacha orients my life, but we also have to know that halacha stands adjacent to the mizbeach. Hakadosh Baruch Hu gave us a Torah, and He said, 'I know you will be imperfect. The avoda here is not to be perfect.' The avoda is to be in process. I was speaking to a young man this week. He is one of the most inspiring people in my life. Unfortunately, he feels about himself that he is a piece of garbage. And if I could, I would want to shake this boy to his core. We've known each other a long time. I want to shake him to his core and I want him to see himself the way that I see him and the way that his friends see him. But he doesn't. He sees himself mamish as a piece of garbage because he has a struggle. He has a particular struggle, and he can't beat the struggle. And every time he beats the struggle, he falls back down, and it feels to him like he takes one step forward and five steps backwards. And even if I have tukufas in my life, he tells me where I take ten steps forward, I know that it's going to be twenty steps backward soon. And he mamish feels like a shavercli.

25:37 And he called me this week. I had the opportunity to speak to him for a couple of minutes. I was running in and out of meetings and couldn't speak to him for very long. He said to me, "Rav, what's my avoda right now? I'm mamish falling." I said, "Can you just stay in the fight?" Staying in the fight means I'm not giving up on myself. Yes, I've done this a million times, and maybe I'll do it a million more. But I'm not yet ready to say that I'm out of this relationship with Hashem. I'm not ready to say that. I wish that I could communicate to him that halacha stands next to the mizbeach. That yes, he is violating halacha, and we can absolutely hold ourselves accountable. But how do we hold ourselves accountable? Are we gentle with ourselves? That voice inside of you that treats you like a piece of garbage. That voice inside of you that you would never use to a friend.

26:27 You would never speak to a friend the way you speak to yourself. If a friend came over to you and said, 'I'm really struggling in this area,' is there any of us that would shame that girl? There's not one person in this room that would treat their fellow that way. It would never happen. V'hafta l'reiach ha'kamocha, v'hafta kamocha l'reiach. Treat your friends the way you would treat yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat your friends. Why do we give ourselves such a hard time? It's because for us these two things are divorced. They're divorced. What does the mizbeach have to do with mishpatim? Mizbeach is the mizbeach. The mishpatim is mishpatim. It's not true. It's the same repair. It's the same repair. I come to the mizbeach and I say, Rebbeinu Shlom, I'm imperfect. I'm bringing you. I'm inviting you into my relationship. This has to be the way that we see halacha. Halacha is a way of repairing our relationship. Baruch Hu, I meet you on these terms. Today in the world, there's a big movement, and we're very against it.

27:25 There's a big movement that we say halacha is malleable. I pick and choose. We can be unflinching. We can say halacha is halacha. We don't have to compromise on halacha. We can say shochanarich and shochanarich. But we have to be able to say shulchan aruch, and yet there's a human being. I wasn't sure if I was going to say this publicly. I've been debating back and forth about how I was going to say this publicly, and I guess I'm going to say it publicly now. Not because I've thought about this, but just because it's on my heart. And if it's on my heart, I feel like it should come off. I've gotten dozens of phone calls about this very silly AI video that was put out And it's not going to help you on your Yom Hadin. I'm not here to comment. On a million different things. I'm certainly not here to comment on the Baruch Hashem we figured out a new way to make machleikus in Klal Yisrael. That's well documented. I don't think anybody needs me to talk about that.

28:25 Nobody's compromising on Yom Hadin. I've heard this a million times before. I grew up here in the Five Towns. Rav Moshe Weinberger was my oxygen tank. When I was living in the Five Towns, learning in Kairal, and choking I was choking on my limit at Torah because it was devoid of Akoldish Baruch Hu in my life. I'm blessed that my Rebbe of Parnas Shlitah should be zecher R'fu Shleima. He's 97 years old, Kanai Nahara. I'm blessed that my Rebbe told me. My Rebbe was a big Litvak. Maybe one of the biggest, one of the premier Talmidim of R' Salavechik. He said, Mordechai, I think you should start hearing Shmuzim from R' Moshe Weinberger, and I used to go. Fridays and any time Rav Weinberger spoke, I used to go. I never even introduced myself to him. All the years that I went, I never even introduced myself. I didn't need to have a relationship with Rav Weinberger. I knew everybody was pulling at him from a million different directions. I just needed to be in the oxygen tank. I just needed to be in the room. I just needed to be hearing that it was okay for me to be human.

29:26 And I can't tell you how painful it was to me over the years where I heard Rav Weinberger speaking about the beauty of Yiddishkeit and centering Hashem in our lives, and following Shulchan Aruch, and learning Gemara, and then all these articles that I would read, how Rav Weinberger only wants everyone to learn Chassidus, and he's not interested in Gemara. I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. I just heard the shmooz, and he didn't say that at all. And all these articles would come out, and it would bother me because I said, you're not. This is not the message. This is not what he's saying. There's a movement that exists today in Klal Yisroel. There's a movement of Yidden that are trying their best to connect to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. They're trying to find a little something, a little spice, a fabreg and a tish. Maybe we have a bunch of people in the five towns that are running to Keristir now. Really, we have to figure out how to bash that too—that there are yidden that are trying to find something in their lives to make them feel just a little bit more connected. We have to take that away also, because if it's not absolutely the way that I think it should be, then it's wrong.

30:26 It's not just that we've caused more division in Klal Yisrael. It's such a terrible message. It's not going to help you on your Yom Hadin. I know what's not going to help you on your Yom Hadin. What's not going to help you on your Yom Hadin is to show up on Yom Kippur and say, Rebbe Nachshom, I'm imperfect and I'm not worthy of love and connection at all. And let me list for you all of the aviras that I've done. This is not Yom Hadin. Don't roll around in the mud and think that you're going to be cleansed that way. That's not what Yom Kippur is. That's not what Yom Hadin are. Yom Yadin are coming to the Rebbeinu Shlom and being honest, being authentic, and saying, 'Tati, can you help me out?' I'm feeling broken. That's what's going to help us on our Yom Yadin, returning to our factory settings, returning to the essence of who we are.

31:16 It has to be in the way that we teach. It has to be in the way that we treat each other. I work in a yeshiva. I work in a yeshiva. It's a complex thing to work in a yeshiva. What do you do when someone doesn't follow the rules? If you have no rules whatsoever, the yeshiva becomes chaos. If you don't have rules in a classroom and everybody's just talking whenever they want to talk, it's no longer a classroom. There have to be rules. But there's a very big difference when we teach. There's a very big difference between enforcing the rules and defining our students as the breakers of rules. There's a huge difference. We have to be able to see the long term process. One of the biggest musers that I ever got in my career is When I was younger, like every young rebbe, you make mistakes. It's sad when we're younger, we have to experiment on our students, on our talmidim, our talmidot.

32:17 And there were times where I was too rough. On those wonderful 18-year-old boys who were making mistakes, there were times that I was too rough. And then you see these boys 10 years later. 15 years later And you see them as adults with children of their own. And I'm going to be very honest with you: you're a little bit somewhere inside of you. You're embarrassed. You're embarrassed that I called them out, not that I held them accountable. It's good to hold people accountable. Holding people accountable means you value them. In a system of no accountability, you realize that's just a fancy way of saying you're not worthy of accountability. But the way that we hold people accountable—that they should walk away from our accountability feeling a deep sense of love—and I didn't do that when I was younger. I didn't know how to. I was still learning on the job.

33:06 A week and a half ago on Sunday I was with the original talmidim of our yeshiva from the first year that I taught. 18 years ago. I was in Los Angeles with these young men and their wives and their children. These—I don't know how to say this nicely. These guys, when they were 18 years old, they were pushit thugs. I love them so much. They were pushit thugs. I see them today. They're married with children. They get together. They're still the same exact chevra from 18 years ago. And these guys have been a chevra since they were in elementary school. And they get together and they roast each other the same way that they did when they were fourteen and fifteen years old. Even now, they're in their mid thirties and they have little kids. It's beautiful to watch. And I wish that I could roll it back. I wish that I could go back to two thousand and eight, that first year that I met them. And I wish that I could whisper in my ear Don't look at them at eighteen.

34:03 See them when they're in their mid thirties. See them when they're in their mid forties. Then you'll see their beauty. You'll see that it takes time for people to unfold. Hold them accountable, but hold them accountable to the standard that you know that one day they're going to reach. And Baruch Hashem, these boys are great today. They're really great. They're some of my favorite people in the world. The rebbeim that do that, the moiras that do that, the teachers that do that—they're giving their students the gift of life. Mamish. Think for a second. Think for yourself. Who was the person in your life that saw you just as beautiful, no matter what you did? They looked at you and said you're awesome. For me, it was my grandmother. My grandmother always saw me as amazing. The worst thing that she could say to us when we were acting like absolute mishuganas in her apartment was, 'Now, boys, simmer down.' That was the most angry she could get.

35:00 In my heart, the voice of my grandmother lives, telling me I'm still okay. I met a young man today. One of the last interviews today. He said to me, "I have an amazing relationship with my father." I said, "Really?" That's unusual to hear for a young man on an interview to say, 'I have an amazing relationship with my father.' I said, 'Tell me how. How do you have an amazing relationship with your father?' He says, 'I tell my father everything, even my struggles.' I said, 'You tell your father everything? I've never heard this in my life. D. R. S. Boy. I've never heard this in my life.' So he said, "Yeah, I feel like my father is my therapist." I said, "What's your father do for a living?" He said, "He's a lawyer." I said, "I don't understand that at all. I don't understand how somebody's like could be a therapist for his child and a lawyer at the same time. But maybe that's exactly what it's meant to be. Maybe there's a dimension of a person who knows the law, the legal system, but at home In the presence of his child He creates safety. Tell me who you are. That's the most unbelievable gift that we can give our children. Who are the people that loved you into being?

36:02 Those are the people that really knew how to hold you accountable, and at the same time to tell you you're still okay. Usually, we find one or the other. People get very upset when they see people who are saying you're okay, you're okay. Where's the accountability? But we should also be just as upset as those people that have accountability without any tenderness. That's how we thread the needle if we really want to inspire people. We let them know this behavior is not okay. But you are okay And you are unfolding. I'm not saying this because Rabbi Zun Kamenetsky is in the room. I promise you, I would have said it either way. I'm the spal. I'm the spal from her husband. I'm the spal from Rabbi Kamenetsky. And I do believe that he is your husband. I know that behind every great rashi shiva, there's an even greater rabbi.

36:59 People in this room learned from my wife, and I'm certainly pale in comparison to my own wife. I'm Nespol. I have been watching Rabbi Kamenetsky since A very long time. I'm not interested in dating myself. A very long time that I've been watching Rabbi Kamenetsky. There is an art to running a minion in a high school because sometimes we have to keep a certain level of decorum. But how do you do it? How do you keep that level of decorum? I watch as Rabbi Kamenetsky walks around with a smile on his face one moment, and the next moment, this is not okay. That's godless. That's genius. We need much more of that in Klal Yisrael. People think it has to be one way or the other. It's either going to be a system of absolute hefkerus, where we let the kids do whatever they want and we call it love.

37:50 Or the opposite. It's yikov aden esahar. This is the only way. We have to be like this, and we'll write songs. It's not going to help you on your yom hadin. There is a beautiful middle. That's where we live. It has to be the way that we treat each other. When you see your friend going through something, what do you do? Do you talk about her behind her back? Do you say, 'Oh, this girl is this'? Do you tie her up by her worst moments? Is there a generosity, a grace that we give to people? The Mitzbeach sits next to the Sanhedrin. We are all, in a certain sense, judging each other. And there's nothing wrong with judging each other. By the way, we raise our children to judge people. We teach our children, and there's nothing wrong with this. We teach our children to choose wisely who your friends should be. Environment makes a difference, but there is a big chiluk between judging and being judgmental.

38:44 To judge someone means to evaluate their behavior, not to evaluate their person. To be judgmental means to identify someone by their lowest possible moments. And if you find yourself doing that, I want you to know it doesn't say anything about the other person. It only says something about us, the judgmental person. Because if we are being judgmental towards each other, it's only because we are judgmental towards ourselves. You ever see people who just sit around and talk about other people You see, like a chabura, two, three, four girls who are just sitting around and talking trash about this one girl. You should know that one girl you're talking about. You didn't say anything about her. You said ach verak about yourself. Because what you did is you turned your own judgmentalism outwards. You looked at yourself and you said, "I feel like a piece of garbage," so I'm going to make the world around me look like a piece of garbage.

39:35 David Hamelech is described as yafeinayim. The Alexander Rebbe says, "What does it mean?" David Hamelech had blue eyes. It means David Hamelech was very pretty. It means David HaMelech knew how to see people. He knew how to see their beauty. He had beautiful eyes because he saw himself in a beautiful way, and then he saw the world in a beautiful way. And when we see people in a beautiful way, it changes who they are. That was the godless of the HaLeger of Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev. What's the beauty of Levi Yitzchak? It wasn't a joke. Levi Yitzchak wasn't, we make Levi Yitzchak into a joke today. That he was the ultimate defender of Klal Yisrael. That he could never see bad in another yid. What do you think of Levi Yitzchok? Was he a fool? You think he didn't see what was going on? He knew that if he would see the beauty in that yid, he would become beautiful.

40:22 That's what makes that's what makes a yid great. Not that you look at somebody and you say, "Oh, you're really this." No, you're really something unbelievably halig. One of my favorite stories about the Labavitcher Rebbe. A yid came to the Labavitcher Rebbe before Yom Kippur and he said, "Rebbe, I'm not davening Yom Kippur this year with a minion." I'm not going to be participating in Yom Kippur. The Rebbe said, "Why not?" He said, "Because I'm a faker. I don't daven with a minion 364 days a year. I'm going to go to synagogue on Yom Kippur." And the Rebbe looked at him and he said, "Exactly right. You're a faker. 364 days a year, you're a faker. One day a year, you're the real person. Be that person." Don't think about yourself that you're the faker. Three hundred and sixty-four days a year, that's the real you, and you're the faker on Yom Kippur. The opposite. The opposite. What was the message that the Lubavitcher Rebbe was sending to that yid?

41:11 Do you know who you really are? Who wouldn't want to be seen that way? We don't feel that way about ourselves Because the way that we learned the elah hamishpatim was not asher tasim l'fneihem. We didn't put it. For ourselves, I'm not blaming anybody. I'm not blaming the system. For ourselves, it's our responsibility. Each one of us has a responsibility to see halacha in a certain way. Halacha is something that stands in front of us. Halacha understands us. Halacha is kind and it's compassionate and it's beautiful. And it doesn't mean that it's not rigorous. I know I'm going to be misquoted. I know somebody's going to walk away from this year. I'm going to get angry emails and I'm going to publish it anyway. I don't care. And if you're going to write me an angry email, please don't. I'm not interested. I'm still going to get angry emails. Somebody's gonna say you made halacha malleable.

42:01 Halacha is kind. The Rebbeinu Sholom is gentle. Avinu ha'av harachaman, amirachim rachem aleinu. The Rebbeinu Sholom is a rachaman. V'sein b'libenu la'ha'vinu la'hashkil. How do you know if you have bina and sechah? How do you know if you really understand the world? Do you see the world through the lens of compassion? If you say avinu ha'av harachaman, amirachim rachem aleinu, if you see the Rebbeinu Sholom as compassionate, then you have Bina and Seichel. Then you see the world as it actually is. Most of us walk around saying, "No! I'm a realist. I call it as I see it." "I'm telling you the truth." No, you are not. You are not. That's not the truth. The truth is that people are amazing. The truth is that every one of us yearns to be seen in a beautiful way, and we want to see others that way. That's a Mashiach world.

42:52 A Mashiach world is when we look at kids and we say, "They're 16." There's a rebbe in yeshiva." I'll finish with this. He's a talmud of Rav Kamenetsky. Rav Kamenetsky is his rebbe. His name is Rav Hershel, Rav Yosef Hershel. He's a pretty well known mechanech today in the world. And I want to share with you a mussar that he gave to me. And I'm making this mussar publicly. We were talking about what are the standards to get into yeshiva these days. You have to think about you're about to send five, six rebbeim to America to do bechinas for two weeks. What are the standards? What are the metrics that a boy has to hit? And so we were sitting there in the meeting, and everyone's giving their, it has to be capable of doing a day, and he has to be capable of doing the mivaseret schedule, and he has to be this, and he has to be that.

43:45 And if Hershel looked at me in the middle of the meeting and he said, "Where's the standard that we set?" When we're interviewing these boys, where's the standard that we set of what I think this boy is going to look like in January of his shana alef? That was a great muster. That was a great muster because you could come and you could see a boy at 17 years old halfway through his senior year and you could say this is this boy. But you got to be willing to see letvacharoch. You have to be willing to see in the future what this boy could be. How many people are in our community? They were judged up at sixteen, seventeen, eighteen years old, and they were told, 'This is what you're going to be.' And how many of us were told This is where you're holding right now, but God knows what you will be.

44:32 So I'll share with you a secret. At seventeen years old, I took my interview for Mevaseret. There were seven boys from my shir that were applying to Mevaseret. Five of us got in, two of us didn't. Two of us didn't, and I was one of the two. Now The emas is that we had some pull, we had some connection Because my father and mother were the founders of my high school. They were among the founding families of our high school. And the other young man that didn't get in His father was the president of the high school. And so the two of us didn't get in, and I guess strings were pulled behind closed doors that Mevasseret came back for a second round of interviews. And this other young man decided he was going to go first. I don't know why he decided he was going to go first. He's still a very close friend of mine today, but this was a mistake that he made. Since we had both gotten into another yeshiva, and this other young man decided he was going to this other yeshiva, he decided to use the interview as an opportunity to tell the interviewer off.

45:38 You were so silly for not accepting me into your yeshiva, and he didn't say the word silly. He decided to spend the entire time roasting this. This Rav who came in to give us a second bichina He walked out of the interview. I was so nervous. I really wanted to go to Mevaseret. He walked out of the interview. I went, "How was it?" He goes, "Good." I told him that he can whatever. I was like, "Why didn't you let me go first?" I didn't care that he did it, but let me go first. I walked into the interview. This Rebbe looked at me. I saw he wanted to be anywhere but in front of me. And I knew I had no shot. And he said to me, "You know." The Rosh Yeshiva interviewed you already, and he really doesn't want you. And I said whatever line I said to him.

46:28 I told him, you don't know, I've been waiting to come to Eretz Yisrael. I know that I haven't done it in high school, but please, I'm asking you for a shot. I promise you, I'll give you nachas. And then I pulled out a letter. And I don't know what was written inside of the letter. I pulled out this letter. It was a rebbe that was written by my twelfth grade rebbe. And I said, my rebbe told me that I should give this to you. And he opened up the letter and he read it. He didn't read it out loud. And after that, the interview completely changed. Baruch Hashem, I did get into Mevaseret. And today I'm the Menahel of Mevaseret. I haven't left Mevaseret in almost 30 years now. Mostly because I'm afraid if I leave, they won't let me back. Thanks for laughing at that joke. It wasn't particularly funny. That's like a rabbi joke. I appreciate it. After the interview I had the letter.

47:20 I was bringing it back to my rabbi. I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have done it. It wasn't nice. I looked at the letter. I wasn't supposed to look at the letter, but seventeen-year-old kid, what were the chances I wasn't going to look at the letter? My rebbe wrote a beautiful letter. It was only a couple of lines. He said, "I promise you, he's going to be a success. He's worth a risk." It was worth the risk. Thankfully, I had a rebbe who was willing to write that letter. So I bless all of us. I bless all of us, and I hope you bless me back. That we should be zeicher to have people like that in our lives. That we should be zeicher to see the world in a beautiful way. That we should be zeicher to see ourselves in a beautiful way. And bezez Hashem to see the beauty of this world. And bezez Hashem to bring Mashiach. Through only seeing the goodness and kindness that we can do for each other.