Aseres Yemei Teshuva - Making Meaningful and Lasting Change

2:17 You have to analyze each side. What are they really arguing about? So it sounds like a very basic thing. Rav Yehuda Nasi says you don't have to do tshuva. The Chachamim say you do have to do tshuva. Which one of those opinions sounds more radical? The one that says Rav Yehuda Nasi, that says you don't have to do tshuva. Obviously, Rav Yehuda Nasi thinks something. What does he think? And whatever he thinks, we're going to have to ask ourselves, why don't the Chachamim agree? That's called a hezber hamachlokas. So you have to look at each side, and you have to be able to explain each side why they disagree with each other. So those are our two very basic questions. Question number one is what does it mean? The essence of the day is mechaper. Question number two, what is the machlokas? Because they both agree the essence of the day is what brings you kapara. What is the machlokas if you require tshuva or don't require tshuva? I want to share with you tonight an amazing, game-changing idea. But you really have to focus in for it because it's not a simple idea.

3:23 The ideas aren't hard, but there's a bunch of ideas in a row. With me? It goes like this. This is an idea from the Tzimch Tzedek. Tzimch Tzedek said like this: All human behavior can basically be boiled down to what's called the pain-pleasure principle. All human behavior can basically be boiled down to the pain-pleasure principle. Why do we do what we do? So, let's play it out. Why do we do things that are pleasurable? What do you need me to? The quote. All human behavior. All human behavior comes down to the pain-pleasure principle. We do things that are pleasurable. We don't do things that are painful. Does that make sense? Here's what it looks like played out in real life. Imagine you. Everyone with me? Imagine you. We'll make it very easy. Imagine you taste something delicious. When you taste something delicious, what happens? What does your brain say?

4:31 That was delicious. And then you create a neurological bond. You secrete chemicals, and your brain tells you that's delicious. Do it again. So the next time that you're walking by that ice cream store, what do you say? You know, you go, I really want some ice cream. And so what happens is you have more ice cream. What is the ice cream? It's delicious. So your brain says Stronger neurological bond. Ice cream is delicious. This happens over and over again. If you mind, we close the door just so we don't have to hear the screeching. What happens is that the more you do the behavior that's pleasurable, the more you create a neurological bond with that thing. The more you create that bond, the more you do the thing. The opposite is also true. Let's say something is painful for you. You do it and it's painful. What does your brain tell you?

5:27 Don't do that again. And then you say, I'm going to try it again. And what does your brain tell you? Don't do that. That's painful. So what happens is it's a very simple equation. We do the things that are pleasurable. We don't do the things that are painful. Does that make sense? So far, so good. Everyone got that? That's the easy part. But that means that every behavior has what's called a body and a soul. The body of the behavior is what. The body of the behavior is the actual action that you did. The soul of the behavior is the pleasure that you received. So if you're looking at a behavior and you're saying why do I do this, don't focus only on the action. Rather, what do you also want to focus on? What was the soul of that behavior? What was the pleasure I got from that behavior? If you want to change a behavior, what do you need to do?

6:37 You can't just change the activity. What do you need to change? The response. You need to change the soul of the behavior. So I'll give you an example of this. There's a guy in yeshiva. He's an amazing guy. I'm the spal from this guy. He grew tremendously. He said that in high school, in the beginning of high school, he was tremendously overweight. Now he's like super into health and fitness. He said, "What changed?" He said, "The first time you go to the gym, nobody likes going to the gym. At the end of going to the gym, what do you feel? You feel sore. You feel tired, right? You had to get there. It was a schlepp, right? So it's painful. And honestly, what's pleasurable? Food is pleasurable. So what happens? No exercise. Eat a lot of food. That's how he got where he got. He changed his mentality. He stopped looking at the gym as painful. He started looking at the gym as a pleasurable behavior.

7:31 He said, "It's an awesome thing to go to the gym." Instead of sitting in the gym and saying,"I only have half an hour left," he would say, "I only have half an hour left. I've got to maximize every minute in the gym. How did he change from the gym becoming a painful thing to the gym becoming a pleasurable thing? It's a very simple answer. So that's part of it. Part of it is you get better at it, and once you're better at anything, it's more pleasurable. It's certainly true. If, for example, when you're, I saw you had a machanayim game here. That status is deadly. You gotta be careful with that thing. I imagine that a girl who's not very good at throwing a ball because she's not very strong probably won't like machanayim. But as you get older and you're like, I could really like peg someone and knock them out, right? All of a sudden, that becomes a pleasurable activity. If you're a small little, if you're a small little boy like in sixth grade, what sport do you want to play? You don't want you want to play baseball. You don't want to play basketball because if you've ever watched these puny little sixth graders try to throw a basketball into the hoop, they like have to heave their whole body towards the net. The ball rarely ever goes in.

8:40 It's why sixth graders aren't really good at basketball. The same kid when he's in ninth grade, all of a sudden he's zooming around the court. You ask him, 'Do you love ball?' He goes, 'I live for ball.' What changed? He got better at it, therefore it became more pleasurable. But your answer is only a partial answer. Let's do it a little bit deeper. When this guy changed his perspective of the gym, what changed? It wasn't just, "Oh, the gym is awesome." What changed really? Anyone want to guess? I'm sure you can figure it out. What was that? What'd you say? His mentality But say it more. What does it mean? What about his mentality changed? His attitude, his perception The way he felt. Why did it change? Because he was looking towards what the outcome is going to be, and that outcome is going to give him pleasure. Right. You could focus. Excellent answer.

9:27 Whenever you're focused on something painful You could focus on the activity itself, which is painful. Or you could focus and change your narrative around what's happening. Studying for a test is painful. Becoming a doctor is awesome. So the person who goes to med school, everyone's walking around going, I have ADHD. First of all, just because you say you have ADHD doesn't mean you have ADHD. You don't just get to self-diagnose and then walk around going, I have ADHD. Give me extra time. That's not the way this works. The same kid who has ADHD is all of a sudden unbelievably capable when it comes to med school. Why? Why was he now able to focus? The goal changes the narrative around the studying. He's not studying to get a good mark on his test anymore. What's he studying? I want to become a doctor. So now it's not the pshat that studying for a test isn't difficult. It's not painful anymore. It's a pleasurable activity. It's part of a larger goal. Do you hear what happens?

10:27 Any time you want to make any change, ask yourself not just about the body, which is what most people focus on. Most people say, "I want to change this action." Instead, begin your journey. This is what the Tzemach Tzedek says: by focusing not on the activity But on the pain-pleasure principle. What's the story here? And then see if you can change it. If a guy comes to yeshiva, this is a classic example. A guy comes to yeshiva and goes, 'Rebbe, I cannot sit in the bais medrash all day.' Four months later, he's sitting in the basement medrash all day. What changed? The only thing that changed is now he has an ambition that he wants to become a ben Torah. So all of a sudden, he's capable of doing it. It's a very simple equation. Think about any change you've ever made in your life. Imagine you have a girl, and socially she's like super quiet. She doesn't want to go out of her comfort zone. So in ninth grade, she basically stays in the corner. You've met this person, yeah? But in eleventh grade, all of a sudden, you see her like you see. You ever see these people like they're tiptoeing out of their corner, and they're trying out new things. You see them doing that. Why are they doing that?

11:34 It's because the pain of being in that corner is no longer. It was pleasurable at some point to be in that corner, but now the pain has outweighed the pleasure. You hear what I'm saying? In other words, you stayed in the corner, right? And for a certain amount of time, it was pleasurable. Why was it pleasurable? As long as I'm in the corner, nobody's going to make fun of me. As long as I'm in the corner, nobody's going to say a nasty thing to me. But now that I'm in the corner and I have no friends, it's ridiculously painful. So what does she do? I need to find the pleasure of moving out of my comfort zone. That's how change occurs. This is what the Tzimch Tzedek says. So far so good. Let's see if we could play this out a little bit further. I want to talk now about level one regret and level two regret.

12:27 Because if you're going to move from something that's painful into something that's pleasurable Something has to stop working. Change doesn't occur until something stops working. Does that make sense? So let's take the following example. I saw this with anger, so I'll use anger. Let's say you have a mother. I'll make it a father. We'll make it a little bit easier. Let's say you have a father who has anger issues. And now the father decides he wants to change But he doesn't want to change because he has a problem with anger. He wants to change because he has a problem with the consequences of anger. What are the consequences of his anger? People get mad at him. People get mad at him. He's hurting people. His kids don't trust him. His wife won't talk to him. As an employer, his employees like constantly leaving because they don't want to be in an abusive environment. Or as an employee, his employers can't trust him because they never know when he's going to explode. Does he have a problem with anger? No.

13:34 He has a problem with the consequences of anger. You hear the difference? So is he going to change? He's going to change only as much as is needed to avoid the negative consequences. For example, if his kid does something that makes him fly off the handle, and in that moment he doesn't care what the consequences are, so she'll be upset. I think I could care less. I'm so angry. I'm so angry at her. His anger is coming back. His anger is coming back. Maybe in the office he's going to be a little bit more calm because he doesn't want to be fired. Those consequences he doesn't want to deal with. Has he made a real change? He's changed some. Of the body of his behavior, he's changed very little of the soul, because it's not really a painful activity to be angry. It's only painful to deal with the consequences of his anger. Does that make sense? That's called level one regret.

14:38 What's level two regret? Level two regret is when you say this: Forget the consequences. Anger is undignified. I don't want to be a person. That's an angry person. I don't want to do the avera of raging against other people. I don't want to be a person who needs to dominate and have power and be in control of others. Do you hear the bitterness of the way he's describing it? This person. Now his kid does something, and his natural inclination is to fly off the handle, and he could care less about the consequences. Why doesn't he get angry? Because it's not about the consequence, I am not going to be a person that loses myself to my anger. Do you hear the difference? That's called level two regret. It's a much deeper form of regret. He doesn't just regret the consequences. He says this behavior itself is wrong.

15:39 It's undignified. It's an avera. I don't want any part of it. Doesn't matter if I'm never going to get caught. This is a real thing. Let's say you had the opportunity to steal, and nobody would ever know. Nobody would ever know. There's no cameras. The girl will never find out. You're just walking by in the dorms, and you see it, and nobody's around, and nobody knew that you were even going to be in the dorms. There's just 20 shekels sitting right there. What stops you from just putting it in your pocket? If it's only about the right, if it's only about, and that sounds from, but it's not really. But it's not a consequence of punishment. I don't think she meant it that way. What you meant is like this. Right. It's an Hashem says it's aser to steal, not because I'm going to be punished. I'm not worried about the consequence. This is an ungodly behavior. God gives me exactly what I need, and to take from something that doesn't belong to me, ugh.

16:38 That's not a consequence. That's me. So how many people take that 20 shekel? How many people will take that 100 shekel, the 50 shekel, and just put it in their pocket? Okay, the answer is, the person that lives with the pain of I don't have money, and they don't care about the consequences of being caught because there's no consequence. This is we all live this out. If you want to know right now in your life why you do the things that you do, it's a very simple thing. Look at the pain and look at the pleasure. Let's say you have a girl. I'll make something up. Let's say you have a girl. Chassar Shalom would never happen in Talmud Bavli, but let's say you have a girl that doesn't give in her phone. And in the back of the class, she sits on the back of the class on her phone. Let's say I'm not making it up. I'm just making it up. She thinks that people can't see very far, even though Rebbeim can see very far. She thinks Rebbeim can't see very far. Why would she do something like that? It's very simple. The pain of being in the class without the phone is much higher, right?

17:32 Much higher than the cost of sitting in the back with my phone, which is a pleasurable experience. I mean, it's not like it's going to be super expensive or anything. It's worth it. I don't really care about the consequence. And honestly, maybe I won't get caught. So the consequence is unsure. So there's the pain. You understand? Does that make sense? Why would a girl hand it in? Not because she's afraid of the consequences. That's very low level. I don't want to get caught. Grow up. What's the real reason? Somebody's talking to me. Somebody came to teach Torah. I came here to learn Torah. It's who I am. This part of the problem. I'll be honest with you. This part of the problem that I have with the phone box. I think it's a good idea. I think it's a good idea fundamentally, but I have a problem with it because it takes away our opportunity to really educate. Okay, so the user is asking about why they need to hand in their phone. Because if you just hand in your phone, why are you handing in your phone? Because that's the rule. So I have to follow the rule because that's what it means to be part of this. But have you actually changed anything? Have you actually decided to put away your phone?

18:28 The only reason you put away the phone is because you didn't want to deal with the consequence of somebody's going to call me in and say, "I heard you didn't hand in your phone." So you didn't actually make a change. Masha'ain came when we used to not have a phone box. I'm telling you, it was an amazing thing. Over the course of the year, in September it would always look in a certain way. In October it would always look in a certain way. By November it looked very different, and by December it was totally gone. And the reason it was gone was because at some point the girls realized, "Oh, it's not about it's not about the consequence." Of what's going to happen to me because there was no consequence. The reason that people actually changed is because they said,"I want to be in the class and I don't want to be on the phone. It gave us a greater opportunity for girls to discover the inner dignity of choosing to regret something deeply.

19:17 Regret doesn't sound like a very good word, right? People get very nervous when they hear the word regret because what do they think? Regret is going to make me live in the past. I don't want to live in the past. Rabbi, if you're always telling me that I have to regret things, I'm going to end up living in the past. But the truth of the matter is, healthy regret is always about the future. This is what it sounds like. You ready for a healthy regret? Goes like this. You want a second to write it down? Let me know. I admire the fact that you're taking it seriously. I appreciate that. That's a big statement. Okay. Healthy regret is I'm not that person anymore. That's what healthy regret looks like. It's almost like I can't even imagine I ever was. Healthy regret is always like I'm done with that.

20:14 If you say no regrets It's not because you're courageous. You're like, no regrets. It means you're living a life without introspection. Means you never took the time to say, "I'm uncomfortable with the person that I am right now. This is not behavior that's worthy of me." So level two regret, this deeper regret that we're talking about, is this behavior. It's not me. It doesn't align with me. I'd be embarrassed if somebody knew that was me. And that's what you meant before when you said, "Hashem," right? It's not. I'm afraid of being punished. My behavior in this world actually matters. I'm here to grow. I'm here to change. And I'm not here to be this person. Does that make sense? So far, so good. What we've learned so far from the Temach Tzedek is as follows.

21:04 Level number one. The first thing we learned was the pain pleasure principle. How do we act? Whatever's the most pleasurable thing. What do we not do? Whatever's the more painful thing. How do we make a change? You have to switch the pain and the pleasure. If something is pleasurable and you want to stop it, you have to figure out how to make that thing painful. If something is painful and you want to start doing something else, you have to figure out how to make that thing pleasurable. You have to learn to love the gym. That was level number one. Now the second thing we learned is how to change from pain to pleasure. One very simple equation. The answer is what you deeply regret. Whatever you deeply regret, that turns into a pain point for the user. Those are the two things we did so far. Last one, and then we'll be able to go back and circle back, answer some of our questions. I know it's been a minute.

21:56 Goes like this. Who is the you that feels the regret? Who is the you? One more space on the board. Who is the you that feels the regret? Don't be frum. Don't be from. Think about it for a second. That's IFS language. I see you're being well trained here. So it's actually not true. The first time you feel regret The first time you feel regret, by definition It's the part of you that's entangled in that behavior. Wait, what? Say it again. The first time you feel regret. By definition, you go. I regret that behavior. So what are you doing right away? You're identifying with the behavior. So what's the challenge of identifying with the behavior? The challenge of identifying with the behavior is that I can't change who I am. So when you have a regret, let me unpack and then I'll get to you. When you have a regret and you go like this.

23:15 I regret that I did that. I can't believe I did that. What type of person am I? By definition, where are you operating from? You're operating from the part of you that was entangled in that sin to begin with. And you can never change yourself that way because you say this is who I am. You want me to stop being who I am. And this happens all the time. You go to an alcoholic and you go, "Do you regret being an alcoholic?" He goes, "Terribly. It's destroying my life. This is so undignified. This is who I am. I can't stop drinking." Why can't you stop though? Don't you see the negative impact? Didn't you just say this is undignified? What does he say? It's terribly undignified. I've destroyed my life. My wife won't talk to me. My kids won't talk to me. I lost my job. I'm living under a bridge. Why won't you stop drinking? This is who I am.

24:05 Because the regret that he has, as powerful as it is, by definition is what. Identified with the behavior. That's what always happens in the beginning. But there's a deeper level of regret that you need to get to in order to change. And it goes like this: If you really regret it Who was the you that said this is undignified behavior? In other words, there's two levels here. There's two levels here. I feel badly that it's like all messed up. Can I? Can I? What's go? Can I racist? Do you have enough of it? It's illegible anyway. Try that. Can I write on the board for you? Can you write on the board for me? I appreciate that. It's very kind. I'm going to choose to do it anyway. The first thing is I regret the behavior. So you see how the regret and the behavior go together.

25:09 The regret is part of the behavior. But you have to ask yourself a bigger question: What was the movement that came before that? If you really didn't regret the consequences, if you actually regretted the soul itself, and you said, "Forget the consequences of my anger" Anger itself is an undignified behavior. Who told you that this behavior is unworthy of you? That you're a dignified person, and this behavior is not dignified. In other words, there's a you that's deeper than the part of you that is your behavior. If you wanted to use IFS language, it would go like this: the part of me that's angry might have another part that regrets my anger But neither of those parts are who I really am. Say it again. I could regret my behavior, but if I regret my behavior, it's possible that it's just a part of me that regrets my behavior.

26:17 And the part, by definition, is linked up with the behavior itself. But there's a true you that's underneath all of that. That's the one that's telling you this is undignified behavior. Who's that you? That is the real you. And that's what we mean when we say a godly soul. That's what we mean when we say a godly soul. A godly soul is not, if I'm being honest, like this white orb. You girls saw Harry Potter? If you didn't see Harry Potter, it's okay. And if you don't want to admit it, that's also okay. But for those of you that saw Harry Potter, most people think what is it? Like a soul is what the Dementors suck out of you. It's like this white wispy thing that comes out of a human being. That's not the Jewish concept of a soul. The Jewish concept of a soul is that you are a chelak elokami mal. You are a piece of Hashem that forever remains untainted by sin, and it has nothing to do with your behavior. It's not your lowest moment.

27:20 So you're the one giving birth to the real regrets. So if you've been following stage three, it goes like this, and then I'll get to your question. You ready? Level number one. The first thing we said: there's a body of the behavior and there's a soul of the behavior. We don't want to just change the body. We want to change the soul. How do we change the soul? You have to move what's painful into pleasure. You have to move what's pleasure into pain. Next thing we said is if you want to make something pleasurable into something that's painful, what do you need to do? Not just regret the consequences. Deeply regret the behavior itself, not just the negative impact. Level number three. Who's the you that regrets the behavior? The you that was never involved in the first place. When you're doing that avera, what is your godly soul saying?

28:10 I don't want any part of this. I'm not interested in this. This is not me. That's the true you, and that's where regret is born from. For kids, they can't misbehave or cross the street without permission. We would like to take away no TV for the week. They're not going to regret what they did all the time. They're going to say, hey, I'm upset because they lost the TV. Because that's because you're talking about a five-year-old. But as people get older, that's right. But you're making an excellent point. A five-year-old The nature of a five-year-old. I want to make that behavior painful to them, so I give them a negative consequence. I punish them. But imagine if you're still doing that to a sixteen-year-old. All of a sudden, that's not normal. Because a 16-year-old should be able to know, don't cross the street because you're going to die.

29:04 And if you have to take away his television privileges because he's still crossing the street, then there's probably a lot of other problems that are not being addressed along the way. But as much as we're joking around about it, how many of us are doing that same thing with our Judaism? How many of us are still living with well, I don't want to suffer the negative consequences of this behavior? So a girl will say, 'I should probably clean up my act before shidduchim.' You don't really clean up your act; you just want to get your reputation in order so you don't have to deal with the negative consequences. Or maybe it still happens. I personally know that I won't do stuff because I'm saying the cussing stuff. Not in a bad way. I'm saying I won't do this because then I will have this. So, and again, that's a value. That's a level. That's a level one regret. But the reason why we're not actually changing is because you haven't brought it into level two regret, which is not the consequences; it's the thing itself. And the reason you won't bring it into the thing itself is because right now you're over-identified with the behavior.

30:04 So rather than regretting the actual thing, you can only regret the consequences. Whereas if you would know that you never participated in that avera, the true you, the one that gave birth to that regret, never participated in the Vayu. That part of you is deeply, or that self, I should say, is deeply holy and exceptionally pure. So then, what's the problem? Of course, I should deeply regret it because that's not me. If you like, intellectually know something is wrong But you keep ending up doing it because you're not the sole part you haven't. Correct. How are you supposed to get yourself to that point where you actually don't want to do it? So this is a huge question. That's an amazing question. I would say, based on this year, the answer could be more complicated for every individual person. But I would say that the person who's keeping it intellectual and not moving into that deep regret has a lot of shame around that behavior.

30:59 And they're identifying with that behavior, and they say I'm unworthy, even if they're not saying these things out loud. They're saying I'm unworthy of love and connection because of that behavior. So they're not really connecting to the true you. So that they won't allow themselves to have that deep emotional regret that will actually move it into a painful behavior, so that they won't do it anymore. Shame is the birthplace of all of the disconnection. If you believe in healthy guilt, then you go That's not me. I can't believe I behaved that way. I'm so much bigger than that. And then you allow yourself to have that deep emotional penetration. Excellent question. Does that answer your question? For every specific case, it's more complicated than that. I know that. Just even if you thought That's not me. I don't want to keep doing that. You end up actually a lot of times.

31:51 I definitely agree with you. I want to sharpen your point because you're making a really important point. I hope everybody's hearing it. I'm not suggesting this is a quick fix. What I'm suggesting is this begins to reorient your behavior. So you start moving from this direction to this direction, and what happens is you start, let's say now you're like that's not me, and that's not dignified. You start having that regret, and then you do it again, and you're like no It's not me, it's not dignified, it doesn't feel the same way that it used to. Because it's not me and it's not dignified, and you're working towards that. Slowly but surely, you move out of that behavior to the degree where it's like, I would never do that again. Can I give you an example of this? This is the weirdest example in the world. But it happens to be the one that's truest for me. I don't think I told you this yet.

32:39 When I was four years old My mother wasn't a very wealthy family at all. My father was working hard to build up his business at the time. My mother was like a teacher, and she babysat in the afternoon for a friend of mine to make some extra money. After school, he would come over, and she would pay my mother. My mother was a single mother. She would pay my mother to watch her son. It was great for my mother because I had a playdate every single day. I remember this vividly. It's crazy to say, but I remember this vividly. It's been 40 years since the story. I remember this vividly. His mother came to pick him up, and she said, "Yitzi, it's time for you to come home. You have to take a shower now." And my mother said in front of me, embarrassing me, she said, "Oh, he still takes baths." I remember turning to her as a four-year-old and saying, "No, I don't. I take showers. I'm a big boy."

33:31 I remember saying that. And I refuse to take a bath after that because little boys, babies take baths, and I'm a big boy, so I'm never going to take a bath again. It took me years to overcome that because baths are awesome. But it took me years to overcome that because I was like, a baby takes a bath and a big boy takes a shower. The change is quick. Why? Because in the pain pleasure principle, you would say a bath is very fun. That's a pleasurable activity for a little kid. But you know what's really painful for a little kid? To feel like they're a baby. So once I said I don't want to be a baby, all of a sudden the activity itself became very painful. The soul changed, and I regretted the fact that I took baths deeply because that's an undignified behavior. That's what I think.

34:14 So given the opportunity, I would say no, I'm taking a shower, and I was adamant about it. It's true that some changes happen quickly. The same thing with children who are getting toilet trained. A child doesn't get toilet trained if you're trying to force the child to get toilet trained. The child needs to own it. He needs to say, 'Oh, that's.' They don't say it in these words because they don't have the language. They go, 'I don't want to do that to myself anymore. I'm a big boy. I'm a toilet-trained person.' That's why we give our kids gifts and we say, 'Look how big you are.' And the kid goes, 'Yes, I'm so big. Aren't you proud of me?' At some point, we stop doing it, right? Because it's like, if I'm going to give you gifts every single time Then I'm actually treating you with less dignity. We give you those gifts until you realize this is an undignified behavior. You're right. Sometimes the change can be subtle. Last question? Meaning, I could regret the consequences of my anger.

35:00 But then I don't actually regret the anger. Change it, not anger. Let's take an addiction, like smoking. The only consequence of it is that you're going to have health issues. And there. It's not the only consequence. The actual physical smoke is people enjoy it. There's no consequence. So I think that's actually a perfect example. The consequence of the fact that I'm going to die from this doesn't really matter to me because I can't see it. So I'm not that concept. The reason why people will still realize what we do. We need to make it more clear. We take this little cardboard box, we put a skull and crossbones on it. We write on it. The Surgeon General says if you smoke this, you're going to die And people go to duty free and load up on it. I have a thing in the Mivasaret kitchen. The kitchen workers sneak me food, and I bring them back duty free cigarettes. I'm literally in jail, trading cigarettes for food from the yeshiva.

35:56 Why can't I get it myself? Why do they do it? Because they don't fly as much as I do. Why do you do duty-free cigarettes? Why don't? It's much. Girls, I'm not selling you on the idea of buying duty-free cigarettes. Why do they're much cheaper? Right? So that's but it's a perfect example because the consequence of when I'm in my whatever, maybe I'm going to have cancer. I'm not really worried about that consequence. And right now, the pleasure is awesome. So you won't change. Let's say this is an example of a guy that I know. He smoked his last cigarette. The he smoked his last cigarette when his wife told him she came home from the hospital with their oldest child And she said, "That's the last time you're ever walking in this house smoking a cigarette. It's the last time you're ever going to be around this child. I will not have you smoking around the baby."

36:45 And he changed not because he said smoking was wrong. His initial change was because he said I don't want my wife to be furious at me. That's also the consequence. So that was a consequence. But then he told me over time, he shifted and he was like, 'No, it's an undignified behavior. It fundamentally the need to be attached to your pacifier. You see the boys with the vapes, right? It's like let go of the pacifier. You don't need it. You're in public. You're just like living in a cloud of smoke. It's like deeply It's deeply unpleasant. At some point, the reason why you let go of it is because you're There was a rebbe who told me in a certain yeshiva that the shliach tzibur, the guy who's davening for the amud, was davening shmona esrei, and he goes rafayinu Hashem ner fay And he took a hit. No No. Not a whole thing, rich for us.

37:31 That's. I don't think that was the problem in that particular place at that time. I'm sorry. But thank you for the halachoshe. I don't think the halacha was the point. I know, and you're right, and you're right. I know. Last point. We have to finish. Is that wrong? Like, One second. Last points. If you follow what we said until now The change is not only in the body; the change is in the soul. How do I change? Deep regret. How do I have deep regret? I have to unpair from the behavior. I am not my lowest moments. Let's go back to our Gemara. We had a machlokish chain of Yehuda Nasi and the Chachamim. Listen to this tirah; it's an unbelievable tirah. For those of you who have been with me, this is a game-changing idea. See if you can lock in for five more minutes.

38:22 Goes like this: According to Yehuda Nasi What's the itzumo shal yom? What does it mean? The essence of the day. Says the Tzemach Tzedek. The essence of the day of Yom Kippur is the essence of who you really are. On Yom Kippur, the true you, the one that never sinned Is the one that comes out. That's the one that's really present. Says Rav Yehuda Nasi: Once you realize who you really are, what's your relationship to that avera? Even without doing any tshuva, what's your relationship to that avera? You're completely distant from that avera. I'll say it again because I think some people didn't hear it. I want to say it one last time. Trying to be polite. I'll say it one last time. If you realize who you really are, did you ever do an avera? No. No. I'm present. The essential me is here," says Rav Yudanassi. That alone brings you kapara, even if you never did tshuva.

39:47 Comes along the chachamim, and they say, Rav Yudanassi, you're right. Of course, Yom Kippur begins with what? With the real you. But what's the problem? The real you. You still have to do the work. Once the real you comes out, now what are you able to do? Now I'm able to have level two regret because I'm not my worst moment, and that behavior is undignified. And once that behavior is undignified, that behavior is exceptionally painful, and I never want to do it again. So fundamentally, Rav Yehuda and the Chachamim agree. The whole point of tshuva is to what? To get you to the real you. It's just a question of Do you do the remain? Of course, Rav Yehuda answers. He says, of course, you're going to do tshuva. But you don't need that from kapara because you're already distanced from your sin, so it's already fixed. Now you want to do the work to make sure you never do it again. That's called tshuva. Says the chachamim, no. If you want to gain kapara, you have to do the whole thing. Once the real you comes out.

40:48 Now you could do the rest of the work. I want to finish with this story. Do we believe this? Everything we just said is good in theory. The question is, do we really believe it? How far would you go? So I want to tell you one quick story. There was a Roshha Merushha. I shouldn't even say his name. I'm talking about one of the worst Jews of all time. His name was Lazer Kaganovich. And he was Stalin's right-hand man. Girls, do you know how many millions of people Stalin killed? Stalin killed 50 million of his own people. Stalin was an unbelievable Russia, and his right-hand man. Was this Jew whose name was Laser Kaganovich? And not only was Laser Kaganovich responsible for the death of so many Russians, he was responsible for the death of so many Jews. And there was a person who came from Russia and he came to meet with the Labavitcher Rebbe. He met with the Labavitcher Rebbe and he mentioned that he had seen Laser Kaganovich.

41:49 And the Labavitcher Rebbe's first response was Has he done tshuva yet? And this person couldn't believe his ears. Lazer Kaganovich, tshuva. What's the Rebbe talking about? He said, Rebbe, it appears to me from the way that I see his he's living his life from the outside, he's still high up in the Communist Party. It appears to me that he has not yet done tshuva. And the Rebbe paused for a second and he turned to this person and he said If you see him again Tell him it's not too late. He could still do tshuva. That is a wild story. Does it mean that his behavior was forgivable? Does it mean that what he did can ever be undone? Absolutely not. Responsible for the death of millions of people, but do you realize that if you really believe this idea Then, even the worst person who is in front of you—what would your attitude be towards them?

42:40 That's not you. If you would only know who you are, you would never do that behavior. You would regret it in its essence. This shiur is not a shiur on how to change. I think for many of us, that's going to be a long process. This shiur is really a shiur on the way that we see ourselves and the way that we see other people. How do you define them when you look at a Jew and you see that Jew and he's not so observant or she's not as observant as you are? What's your attitude towards them? Yom Kippur teaches us, itzum oshel yom is mechaper. A Jew who lived through Yom Kippur already has a kapara because even for a moment they came in contact with their real self. Famous story of the Labavitcher Rebbe that somebody came to the Labavitcher Rebbe and said, "Rebbe, I'm not going to Shul on Yom Kippur this year." The Rebbe said, 'Why not?' He goes, 'I'm tired of being a faker. I never go to Shul during the year. I'm not going to go to Shul on Yom Kippur. I shouldn't fake it.'

43:32 So the Rebbe looked at him and he goes, 'You're right. You shouldn't fake it. You should be going to Shul the rest of the year. Also, once a year on Yom Kippur, we get to see the real you.' The challenge of change this year in Toma Devora It's not that people have trouble shifting their behavior; it's that they have trouble shifting their vision of themselves. The inner message of Yom Kippur is: who really are you? The Itzumo Shal Yom is Mechaper, the essence of who we really are always deserves atonement because we are always in a state of purity. Have a Gemar Chasimatayve and a good Geben Shdarch.