Aseres Yemei Teshuva - Inviting In Your Unwanted Guests: An IFS Approach to Teshuva

2:06 Look at the hachnasas aruchim that I did in my life. There's an obvious question though. Of all the mitzvot that bring kapara, Hachnasas aruchim is a beautiful mitzvah. But what's the obvious question? Why hachnasas aruchim? And there was, if you were writing the Gemara, what would you have said? What brings a kapara? What mitzvah brings a kapara? Certainly Hachnasas Aruchim is great, but I could think of a lot. It doesn't say Tefillin brings you a kapara. It doesn't say Kriya Shma brings you a kapara. It says Hachnasas Aruchim, which isn't. It doesn't even say Tshuva brings you a kapara. It says Hachnasas Aruchim brings you a kapara. So the question is, what's unique about Hachnasas Archem that it brings us a kapara? Not only that, but there's a Gemara in Shabbos 127a. The Gemara says, 'Gedola hachnasas archim mehakabalas penei shchina.' Hachnasas archim is even greater than greeting the shchina. Where do we see this in Chumash?

2:58 By the way, that was good. But classroom participation—I learned when I was doing my master's degree in special ed, which I use every single day. You're not allowed to laugh at that joke. The we'll try this again. All together. Best Hashem, you're all going to get married to a wonderful boy in the right time. See, that's what classroom participation looks like. That's called engagement. Where do we see in Chumash that greeting the Shechina is great, but Hakhnas Zarchim is even greater than greeting the Shechina? There you go. Because Avram Avinu was talking to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. He sees three random strangers, and what does he do? He stops talking to Hakadosh Baruch Hu and he goes and he does the mitzvah of Hakhnas Zarchim. Now I can understand. Again, you have to any time you see a ma'amar chazal, you have to train yourself to think critically. What they're saying is true, but don't ever take it at face value because the wisdom that's packed within the words of chazal is infinitely deep. So I can understand if they would have said Hachnasas Orchim is great.

4:04 But to say that Hachnasas Orchim is greater than Kabbalah Sprey Ashkina is very strange. If any of us had the opportunity to talk to God and we were in the middle of receiving prophecy and we saw three random people on our street, would we stop talking to Hakadosh Baruch Hu and just all of a sudden go take care of them? Probably not. I would think that the ecstatic experience of being connected to Hashem is the single most unbelievable thing that a person can do. Is an amazing story with Ronnie Greenwald. Zeichetzadik Levrachu. You girls know Ronnie. Anyone here went to Sternberg? So we'll just for the recording say sure. Lots of people here went to Sternberg. Ronnie Greenwald was the founder of Sternberg, and he was a tremendous Askan in Kallah Israel. It's an amazing story that on Yom Kippur, in the Jewish Heritage Center, there was a group of Hasidish kids that showed up to this hotel on Yom Kippur to not be a part of Yom Kippur. And he didn't daven with the minyan that Yom Kippur. He just spent the entire Yom Kippur talking to them. He davened when he could, bein aprikim, but he really spent the entire Yom Kippur trying to be makar of these Jews.

5:05 Fulfilling, I think, the dictum of Avraham Avinu. But if we take a second to think about it, to say that Achnasas Archem is great for sure. To say that Achnasas Archem is greater than Kabbalas Panei Hashchina, that's hard. For sure. And again, I have no problem with that. I have no problem with saying that Hachnasas Archem is an amazing schos for a person. To say that it's greater than Kabbalas Pnei Hashem, you're in the middle of talking to Hashem. That's again. I'm not saying it's wrong. It's obviously right. The question is, what is it? So to say that it's an unbelievable schos for sure, but to say that it's greater than Kabbalas Pnei Hashem, it's a little hard. So those are the two questions. I want to just unpack with you for a second what's hard about Hachnasas Archem. And since you've been here now for a year and change, you also know that the hard part of Hachnasas Archem is not only from the perspective of the host. It's also from the perspective of the guest. You ever have to make that awkward call? Can I come for Shabbos? You know the reason. There's like a certain family you know that it's just easy to go to them for Shabbos, so you go there more than anybody else. Why is it hard to be a guest? Here's where we do the audience participation. What's hard about being a guest?

6:25 What'd you say? You're always on for sure. That's what we're gonna. I want to unpack what that means in a second. What else? You have to be your best self. Sure. That's maybe part of being you're always on. What were we saying? You feel like a burden. So I think if I put them all together, I feel like a burden. And then it's like, so I have to be on, I have to be my best self. Why do we feel like a burden? And by the way, what does it mean to be a great host? It means I don't want to make you feel like a burden, right? I remember I went to a family when I was doing my shana ba'aretz. There was a family I don't want to say where in case they hear the recording. There was a family that I would go to. This family was really poor, really genuinely poor. I felt like going there for Shabbos. I was pushing, taking food out of their mouths, but they kept inviting me for Shabbos. At some point, I called my parents. I'm like, I'm not going anymore. It was a beautiful Shabbos, and I loved them dearly, and it was like I never felt like a burden. But there just wasn't that much at the table.

7:26 You feel like I shouldn't be here. So I stopped going, and then it became uncomfortable because they kept calling my mother. You get that? Your aunt calling your mother, saying, 'How come she doesn't come for Shabbos anymore?' Yeah, because it's not as fun as you think it is. There's a feeling that a person could have on being a burden. And from the perspective of the host, I'm going to share with you honestly, you are a burden. Now you're not bad, but there's something a little uncomfortable about having somebody else at your Shabbos table. Which is why you always hear these kinds of stories afterwards. I'll tell you from the host's perspective. We had these girls for Shabbos. They just didn't say a word the entire Shabbos. And why is that uncomfortable for the host? Because you've entered into my territory, and I have in my house the systems that work for us. We have the different dynamics in the family that people can be themselves and feel comfortable. And once you insert something foreign from outside, what starts to happen? It's like we're all a little on edge.

8:29 How is this? Guest receiving this experience. How are we experiencing the guest? There's something foreign that's entered, and that's not a simple thing to do. So we hear these stories. How many people here have read the book All for the Boss? That's bad. That is very bad. But it's not a chesaron in them. It's just a generational thing. But we have a responsibility to teach you. Every one of you is going to go out. You're going to buy. We're going to buy it for the school. You're going to have this book All for the Boss. It's a must read. It's canonical. You have to read it. This is a book all for the boss. Rav Yaakov Yosef Herman's Zecharia Tzadik Levracha, who was the greatest machlis orayach of his time. It's one of the most inspiring books you'll ever read. You must read all for the boss. In our times, we had Rabbits and Henny Machlis Zecharia Tzadikas Levracha. She was very, very special. And the Machlis home is famous. And why is it so famous? Somebody has 60 guests for Shabbos. Somebody has 90 guests for Shabbos. Why is that so impressive? It's because you have no space for yourself.

9:30 That was his mother-in-law and father-in-law. Rebbitzin Willig told my wife that years ago. She mentioned to my wife that there would be people that would sleep in her bed, and she didn't always have a place to sleep. That's the level of achnasas archem, like we're making a space in ourselves for something foreign. That is perhaps the single most difficult thing to do. So we can understand now this Meimor Chazal. Why is it greater to be machnas oreach than it is to avkabas pnei Hashchina? Because Avkabas Pnei Hashchina is natural. When you're Mekabel the Shchina, when you find Hashem, when you're in conversation with Hashem, that's like being in conversation with your highest self. That's you. It's not uncomfortable to be you. In fact, that's the single most comfortable thing. When you get to a level in your personal growth where you're being mekabel penei asherina, where you're just like aligned with who you are, it's a feeling of being totally unburdened, like you're finally free. I was talking to somebody last night.

10:36 And this person was saying to me, They've done a tremendous amount of work on themselves, and they're like, I'm finally like, I feel finally like unshackled in my life. This is a person who has gone through a tremendous amount. I don't want to give any details, but you should know. For me, this person is a hero. And like I was talking to him, and he was like, For the first time in my life, I feel like a human being. And I said to him, As like somebody who loves him very much, I was like, I feel like I just met you for the first time. He was living with demons, Mamish with demons. And he said, he goes, until you start to process it, you don't realize how uncomfortable you are in your own skin. All the addictions that a person has. And he was really struggling with addiction. And now for the first time in his life, he's three months sober from everything. And he's like, "I'm finally a person." And he's deeply connected to Hashem. That's organic, that's natural. Which is an interesting thing because we sort of think sometimes, especially in the beginning of our journey of Yiddishkeit, we think like, "I'm doing something unnatural."

11:38 They're trying to get me to daven. I don't want to daven. They're trying to get me to keep kosher. I'd rather have the cheeseburger. When you get into that self, when you actually become who you are, davening is the single most natural thing in the world. It's just like the purest expression of who you are, and it doesn't feel foreign anymore. When it feels foreign, it's not because davening is foreign; it's because we've become foreign from ourselves. It's when you're back in alignment. Kabbalas Pnei Hashem is beautiful. Hachnasas Aruchim is hard. Because achnosas archem is taking something far into my system and creating space for it. At the highest possible level, you'll realize that the oreach that you're bringing in is it's you. There's oneness to everything. Like the Navi says, mi besarcho lo tisaleim. Don't pull back from your own buser, from your own flesh. Don't pull back from that person who's needy. Remember that that's really you. When we do chesed in the Jewish community, it's not because we see you as somebody else. It's we see you as ourselves.

12:40 Doing chesed for somebody else is really doing chesed for yourself. Anyone here ever do Tomchay Shabbos? So for those of you that have done Tomchay Shabbos, do you feel like it's uncomfortable to do Tomchay Shabbos? It's for people in your community, right? Exactly. So there's a certain sense of we're all in this together. But initially, there's something very uncomfortable about helping the other because I'm bringing somebody else into my system. Does make sense so far? Questions, comments, reactions. Good. What's the godless of Avram Avinu? The godless of Avram Avinu is as follows: the single most godlike thing that a human being can do in this world is not connect to Hashem. The single most godlike thing that a person can do is, in their state of connection to Hashem, they become so much like Hashem that they literally will leave talking to Hashem to make space for somebody else.

13:41 In other words, you become so deeply connected to Hashem that you act like Hashem. As Chazal say, Mahu Racham, Ma'pata Racham. Hashem is compassionate, so a person who is in self will be compassionate towards others. We think of these things as two separate movements. Avraham Avinu was talking to Hashem, and then he stopped and he went to do Achnasas Aruchim. Not true, because Avraham Avinu lived in a state of Dveikas to Hashem. That's what obligated him to leave that state to go make space for another. If you think about it, that's what Hashem does. When Hashem creates the world, what does He do? He pulls back from Himself to make a space for the world to exist. That's the Kabbalistic concept called Simtum. What does Simtum mean? Simtum means that Hashem pulls Himself back, either literally or non-literally, depending if you're a Litvak or a Chassid. He pulls Himself back to create space for another. Olam Chesed Ybaneh means I. That's the definition of Chesed. The definition of Chesed is I'm making space for someone else within myself. That's what God does in the creation of the world. In a state of connecting to Hashem, I'm going to behave like a Kadosh Baruch Hu.

14:43 I'm going to pull myself back to make space for another. These are not two separate movements. The more you're connected to Hashem, the more space you make for things that are foreign to you. To bring them in, to make them feel comfortable. A great guest is bringing their highest self to the table. They're showing up in a way that's comfortable. A great host is okay with you however you show up. A great host is somebody that allows you to be as you are in their home. And that's what makes somebody like a really great machnasarech. They don't need you to be on. They don't need you to be something other than who you are. That's why when you go to somebody who's really comfortable for Shabbos, you don't have to put something on. You don't have to pretend to be something that you're not. Does that make sense? Have you ever had that experience where you come somewhere and you're just comfortable? You can kick off your shoes, sit down on the couch, know that the host wants you to be that way. Yeah. Lots of good eye contact. I appreciate that. So far, so good. Questions, comments, reactions?

15:45 Because this is all the easy part. Everything that exists in halacha on the external level exists within ourselves on the internal level. Everything. I'll say it again. Make sure everybody gets this. Everything that exists in halacha is all avoda. It's all internal avoda. Whenever you see a halacha manifesting itself in the outside world of how we show up with others, just know. That's really how you're meant to show up with yourself. So here's the big secret: every one of us has living inside of ourselves unwanted guests. And the question is Can we be machnas oreach for ourselves? Can we invite the unwanted guests that live inside of us? These unwanted guests that a lot of us have pushed away in a very serious way. You'll see in a second. Can we invite those guests into ourselves so that they feel safe? I'll give you an example of this. I want you to take a second while I'm speaking. Take a second inside of yourself. Take a second to think. When Adam Marie shone When he was caught sinning, so to speak, what was his first reaction? His first reaction was to hide. His second reaction was to blame his wife. How many of us do the same exact thing?

17:09 I many years ago, I came up with this muscle of what I was feeling. I felt like I had a box inside of myself, and this box had like a tight lock. And I had all these like inner negative beliefs about myself that I shoved inside of that box, and then I locked the box up real tight. And it was just like there, and it was this thing I never wanted to hear from again. Like all these like voices of my childhood, like things that I went through. Because we all have things that we went through. None of us come through childhood unscathed. There's a line. Oh man, I forgot his name. He's Jewish, not from. He's an amazing writer. He wrote Tuesdays with Morrie, Five People You Meet in Heaven. What's his name? Mitch Albom. So Mitch Albom had this amazing line in one of his books. He said, "Raising children is like handling glass. Some people leave shattered. Some people leave with fingerprints. But everybody leaves with an imprint." And that's a very powerful line. We all went through stuff. We were little. We were going through stuff. We didn't know. By the way, you can have some compassion for yourself. You were seven, eight, nine, and ten years old when you were going through these things. So of course you were going through them.

18:11 You were little. You didn't know what to make of things. You didn't know how to not be socially awkward. Remember ninth grade? The trauma in the room right now is delicious. You can make a bracha. It was so thick. All these kids who have reached the pinnacle of their school, walking around going, 'Eighth graders run the school.' No, you don't. You're 13, right? But they're tough, right? And then they go into ninth grade, and all of a sudden they're like, first of all, in one fell swoop they became the bottom of the totem pole, and every social system that they have falls apart. If you were this ninth grade, I have tremendous compassion for you. You showed up to ninth grade, and you're like, oh shoot, I don't know if my friends are my friends anymore. And because she started hanging out with a different group, and I don't know where I fall anymore, and it's like, and because your half of the species talks things through.

18:58 So there's hours of conversation. I'm just not sure where I'm holding with her anymore. With guys, it's just acting out, punching people, something feels wrong. I'm gonna take it out on everybody. There's a feeling we all have that this is hard. There's something I'm going through and I don't know what it means. We exile these parts of ourselves. We shame them. We blame other people. We don't really want to take ownership for the stuff that's going on inside of us. So what happens to these archim? One of two things: these parts of ourselves are either going to be really uncomfortable in our lives, or they decide to take over the table. You ever see people overcompensate as guests and all of a sudden they can't stop talking and there's no room for the host anymore? That's like an awkward one. And it's like all the kids are sitting there. They end the meal. The guests go upstairs, and all the kids downstairs are like, 'What was that?' But we do it within ourselves also. Parts of ourselves become so strong that we almost feel like we're not in control of our own car anymore. I'm going to make up an example. I asked this person permission. I was working with a client who's struggling with anxiety. If you struggle with anxiety

20:30 And I'm happy to admit publicly I do struggle with anxiety. Anxiety is a beautiful thing, but I do struggle with anxiety. You ever feel, if you've had anxiety, that anxiety is like running your life. The second something hard comes up, all of a sudden you go into panic mode. You're not in control anymore. There's a self in the car, but it's in the back seat, in the middle on the hump, with every bump just going up and down. Anxiety is taking control. Now you're overacting, overperforming, or you're scared and you can't move at all. That's because this anxious part that lives inside of you has taken over because it has not been invited to become a part of your life. You understand what I mean? In other words, either anxiety is going to be there as just this uncomfortable thing that you hate. Think about a part of you in your life that you're not proud of. Think about the way you speak to that part. Think about how much you hate it. Think about how much you shame it.

21:34 That part feels really uncomfortable living inside of you. So all of us are sitting at a table. There's a host that's called the self, and there are these parts that are these awkward seminary girls at the table going, 'Why are you saying such not nice things to me?' And they're right, because we would never use that voice with others. The nasty voice you have inside of yourself, would you ever speak that way to a friend? Imagine if somebody came to you and said, 'Yeah, I'm really struggling with my anxiety.' I imagine most people in the room would say something like, 'I must be so hard.' I'm so sorry to hear that. But within ourselves, what does it sound like when we're struggling with anxiety? What's wrong with me? Why am I doing this? This is so stupid. Would you ever say to your friend who comes to you saying, 'I'm struggling with anxiety,' and going, 'What's wrong with you? That's so stupid. You're not in control of anything.' You would never speak that way. Does that make sense? So what do you think happens in your internal system when you shame those parts of yourself?

22:38 They don't feel comfortable in your life. Either one of two things: either they're going to be sitting there really awkwardly at the table, and that creates this discomfort. Or worse, they go, "I don't trust you. I'm going to be the balabias now. I'm going to sit at the head of this table, and you need to sit somewhere else because I can't trust you to run my life." You understand? So every one of us is, in a certain way, when we have these parts of ourselves that are not integrated, struggling with being machines or each. We don't know how to bring these parts into our lives. What does it look like? What does it look like to actually bring these parts in? The first thing that we need, and this is what any good host will do, is curiosity. A really good host or a really good guest will do something like this. If you're a really good host, and by the way, I'm not shaming you. If you struggle with this, it's not your fault. But just know that every host who has you is like If you're celiac, it's not your fault.

23:46 You're gluten free. Now all of a sudden, the kids are going gluten free. What are we? Who am I embarrassing right now? Good for you. I want you to know you're loved. This is a safe space. But a lot of people talk about you behind your back. You know what I mean? But you should know. I think people are allowed to say I'm coming for Shabbos. Thank you so much for having me. I do have a special need. I didn't mean I just started. I didn't mean it like that. I have something that needs to be accommodated. You're special, but in a very different way. I gotta make the gluten-free cookies. How much almond flour do we have in the house left over from Pesach? The gluten-free people love Pesach. They're like, 'This is my time to shine.' Every other Jew on Pesach is like, 'Gluten-free people like, 'Yes.' If you have an allergy, a good host says, 'What do you need?' So it begins with curiosity. What are your needs? Let's start to get curious. You have that worksheet. You can fill it out later. Let's start to get curious about what these parts of ourselves need.

25:00 If someone knocks on our door, you don't just say, 'Who are you? Get out.' You say, 'How can I help you?' Like, 'What do you need?' Let's say a person has an inner voice that says, 'I shouldn't be jealous.' But I know I shouldn't be. How do you think that part feels? How do you think the jealous part of you feels when you say, 'I shouldn't be jealous?' It's like, 'Get out of my house. You're not welcome here.' Instead, what would happen if you were a good host and you got curious and you said What is this jealousy trying to tell me? What is it hungry for? What does it need? Because if you actually pay attention to your parts, they are going to tell you really beautiful human needs that all of us have. For example, what if you discovered that your jealousy was a way of saying, I don't know. I guess I really just want to matter. Imagine you have a girl who's like, She's. I'm making up a story. Let's say there's a girl that in Shana Bet in Eish Gasher for women, EFG Adesh.

26:04 It's a mouthful. It's better than okay. It's our service of tshuva. That joke is gonna have to wait after Yom Kippur. That's coming right out. But Told Yom Kippur, Hashem, I'm gonna have some tshuva. The but it's really good one. You should know. What if there was a girl here who was the center of attention? She somehow manages to get the most time with the teachers here. She somehow manages to get it, and not because anyone's bad. Chassid, I'm just saying she's a little bit of a magnetic personality. She just somehow is the leader. Nobody appointed her to be the leader. She just is. Then you find yourself having this part that comes up that goes, 'I'm like, why is she? Why is everyone treating her like that? Why don't I get Shabbos invites? Why? How come I don't get as much time with these teachers?'

26:55 How come I feel like I always have to fight to get that time? It's a little bit of jealousy, right? And then your voice comes up and it goes like this: "Stop being jealous. It's pathetic." By the way, thanks for that laugh. I appreciate that. That was a kindness that you gave me. That's what I would do. I would have that voice comes up. But what if instead you stayed curious and you said, 'Okay, what is this jealousy telling me? What does it need?' And if you actually listen to it, the jealousy says something like, 'I want to matter too.' And is there anything wrong with that? No. So this jealousy can actually be really beautiful. What if the jealousy is saying, 'I'm afraid that there won't be enough for me.' That's legitimate, right? Like I'm jealous because she's taking the time. What if I don't get enough of that time, and I really want that time because I really want to grow? That's beautiful. In other words, there's something that this part

27:41 And it's reasonable. There's something that this part is saying. I've come to your table. I'd like to be able to get what I need. By the way, in Avos der Rabbi Natan, it says, "What was the greatness of Avraham Avinu?" And I think it means this. I love it. You don't have to apologize. I want you to know, a phone going off in Sheer—it's music. It's not an obnoxious ring. It's background music. In Mevaseret, many years ago, the founding Rosh Yeshiva had a thing. Phones had just come out. I just dated myself in a very serious way. Phones had just come out. The phones only had snake on them. Do you girls even know what that is? And I remember a shmuuz from one of our rebbeim saying, "Guys are wasting their time with the Nachash Kadmoni." I'm like, man, if I could travel back in time and speak to that rebbeim and go, "Dude, you have no idea what's coming." But the Rosh Hashanah policy was that if somebody's phone went off, he would answer the phone and he would answer their phone. And so this very chutzpah, the guy. This is a true story. Very chutzpah, the guy's phone goes off like on day one. And the rishiva said, "I'm not going to do it today because I didn't give you guys the warning."

28:45 But if your phone goes off, I'm answering it. The next day, the guy's phone went off, and the rishiva goes, 'Okay,' picks up the phone, and it's a girl. He says, 'Shalom, who is this?' She goes back, 'Who is this?' He goes, 'I'm the rishiva of Mevaseret. Who is this?' She goes, 'It's your wife.' He called the rebizin to get the rebizin to call in sheer to prank the rishiva. That's such a flex, right? It's like that's an amazing move. It was pandemonium this year. It was an amazing move. I wish I could say that it was me. I'm jealous, but that jealous part of me is saying I want to be the center of attention also. In Avos de Rabbi Nasan, I think it means this literally. But I also think it means it as a lesson for us. Listen to the words of the Avos de Rabbi Nasan. When you came to the house of Avram Avinu, V'chol shahapash shaul matzliy b'toch beis ha'Avram Avinu.

29:47 Anything that Avram, if you were a guest in Avram Avinu's house and you asked for something, He had it. How is that possible? You could say it's miraculous. Avram Avinu had a tent. Sarimena was in the kitchen of the tent, cooking food for the malachim, whatever they wanted. Somehow, magically, she was able to make it. Could be, but perhaps what the Avos D'Rabbi Nasan is saying. A person who lives on the level of Avraham Avinu, a person who's in self, who's totally aligned. They know how to meet the needs of others. They know how to meet the needs of themselves. That is very often the case. In fact, I would say it's always the case that when your part has a need, that's a need that you can meet within yourself. For example, if you're sitting there with a little bit of an impoverished mentality of like, well, that girl's getting all the attention, and I want to feel like I matter. Mattering happens within yourself. If you really want to feel like you matter, that's not something that comes from outside of yourself. That's something that comes from inside of yourself. Once you start to put that self back at the head of the table.

30:52 Once you start to be machnas oreach and you're curious, listening to what those parts need, you'll find you can give yourself what you need. If you want to participate in a relate, it's like how come I don't get to participate in that relationship? Find it within yourself to be courageous. I understand that having insecurities and being jealous could lead to okay, what's the root of this? Why do I feel like that? But about anger specifically, I heard you're not supposed to be angry at all. How do you use that? It's one of the worst misunderstandings of the Rambam. The Rambam does not say that anger is something you're not allowed to have. It's not the time to do it. We could go through every single emotion. But Bez Hashem, if somebody will send me a message afterwards, I'll find the Rambam. You have to look at two Rambams, not just one. One Rambam says Kolak Ko'ez Kilo Oved Vod Zara. Another Rambam says that there is room for a person for anger in a person's life. So everyone has to know what to do with that stira in the Rambam. But I want you to know, anger is a beautiful emotion.

31:52 Anger is very different than rage. You're not allowed to take out your rage on other people. But it says that Hakadosh Baruch Hu gets angry. It says V'Chara Af Hashem that Hakadosh Baruch Hu also gets angry. Anger is when I feel like something was violated. So there's a very beautiful response that when somebody gets angry, and again, not to say that you're allowed to take out your anger on others, but if you notice anger coming up, you could say something was violated, and if you got curious, you might like start to listen to that voice and discover things. It was interesting you said I actually because I didn't say this and I was careful not to I'm not asking you at this moment to try to chase trace back where does your part come from. What's its origin story? Where you were bullied in third grade, so now you develop this part. There is an avoda like that, but I'm not even talking about that yet. All I'm talking about is a basic curiosity to say, what is this part? What is its voice? What does it need? Stop shaming it. Anger, if you listen to it, will tell you amazing things about yourself. Anger will tell you, don't allow somebody to hurt you. And by the way, that's a very precious voice. From a place of self.

32:53 You might be able to say, Remember that nobody could hurt you. That what other people do is neutral until you tell a story about it. And don't worry, I got you. You're not a seven-year-old, eight-year-old little girl anymore who's feeling some sort of way. Now you're 19, 20, 21 years old. You're capable of giving yourself what you need, right? Now we got questions flowing. There we go. What if a good host could say no to guests that keep coming, an emotion that's unhealthy keeps coming, and you have to say no at a certain point. At one point, you say this isn't good for me, and it's a bad emotion. So I love the way you phrased that. A good host does have the ability to say no. I just want to point out that anything that you suppress, you give power to. So what happens when we start labeling our emotions as unhealthy? As opposed to staying curious, because we could say that an emotion is unhealthy, or we could say that something that's coming up for us is having some negative impact. And there's a big difference because one is labeling it and saying you're bad. And another is saying this isn't working for me.

34:02 But remember that all parts of ourselves have positive and negative impact. Let's take anger for a second. Anger might be protecting me in some way. So that might be helping me manage an uncomfortable situation. So there's probably some positive impact. The negative impact might be that nobody wants to be my friend anymore. Because who wants to be around someone who's angry? But I'm not sure that I would label the emotion as unhealthy. But I think your point is really well taken. Because once you're curious about a part, and once you can give it what it needs, then the part becomes what we call self-led. Once you're sitting at the table. Then you're able to deal with that part. So you're able to manage it, so that you don't have to be tough on it and throw it out of the house. But it becomes integrated. So you are able to say, Wait a second, let's slow down. This is not the time to take out your anger on somebody else. And because it's self-led, you're more aligned. You are able to say no, but it's not the no of you're bad. It's the no of do you trust me to be in charge? And you'll notice that when you do, that part will come along for the ride.

35:03 The reason, and this is big, is that our parts resist because our parts genuinely feel like they're not trustworthy. Think about it. Why would you trust somebody that's been hating on you your entire life and telling you that you're bad or unhealthy? And if somebody did that, you probably wouldn't want to be their friend. So this part of you says, I don't trust you. You just hate me, and you don't even know how much I've been protecting you. Some of the work that we can do on ourselves is to appreciate the beauty of our parts. Because they are really beautiful, and they do deserve a seat at our table. Every single part deserves a seat at our table. There are no bad parts. I was at a couple years ago already. My wife and I were staying in Ramat Shkoll for Shabbos, and we were staying in the yichida of a therapist. She lives upstairs. She has one of those machzanim that she's turned into a guest room, but also her office. She had a magnet on the wall that said, "There are no bad parts." I was like, "I don't want to be sleeping in a therapist's office."

36:07 I don't have to be working through my stuff while I'm trying to go to sleep. But I thought that was very beautiful. There was a sign in her office that when a client is sitting there, it's a safe space to be able to say there are no bad parts. Last night, I had to call somebody to apologize. It's a really awkward phone call. I wasn't happy to make this phone call. Not because they, I was just uncomfortable because I had to acknowledge that I hurt them. I wanted to call, but it didn't take some courage. And it was an amazingly beautiful phone call because this person is a very worked-on person. And I called and I said, "Yeah, I messed up. I'm sorry." And this person said to me, "I know who you are. It's okay." And I was like, "Wow! What a gift! This person didn't see me as my because I'm very identified with that part that hurt them. They're not seeing me, frankly, the way that I'm seeing myself. They're much more compassionate." And it was really ironic. I was apologizing to them. I feel like I got so much more from the conversation. And my work this morning looked very different because of that. Because this person was not labeling me as a bad person.

37:15 By the way, that's why it's really uncomfortable to make apologies to somebody who really doesn't forgive you. Because they're like, I don't really trust you. So yeah, I'll say I forgive you because that's the frum thing to do, but I don't really forgive you. Does that make sense? So far so good. Let's finish this up. Amar Ravakiva, You girls know this. This is a song, right? That's how we know Jewish things. It's a Gemara in Yoma eighty-five B. Ashrechem Yisrael lifnei atam etar umi etar eschem avichem shavash amayim. Right. What's the big chiddush that Hashem gives us? That our Father in Heaven gives us tahara. That's not the big chiddush. The big chiddush is the process of tshuva is not like we think. My house is filthy. Get everything off the floor, stuff it in the closets. Shame my parts until it's not what Hashem wants from us. What does Hashem want? Lift ne mi ata mitaher umi mitaher eschem avichem shabash amayim. Hashem says, can you bring me your stuff? That's what tahara means. Tahara means that we come on Yom Kippur and we say chatasi avici pashati and like the Rambam says, Asisi kach v'kach. Hashem, I'm bringing it to you because the truth is, And this is very like twelve steps, Alcoholics Anonymous. The truth is, The reason why we allowed these parts to begin with

38:37 To take over our lives, there was something godly missing. In the absence of Hashem, these parts came up. If we were aligned with Hashem, these parts would be managed, and they'd be beautiful. And so, what we do on Yom Kippur is not this. This year Hashem, this anxious voice that comes. This year Hashem, I'm going to be better. I promise. I'm not going to do this avera anymore. And it's like you feel like a liar because you're like, I know I'm going to do the avera. I literally just said to you, I'm going to tell that joke after Yom Kippur. I'm not. I'm not going to. I'm not going to sit here saying I'm never going to do an avera again. And I am oriented in that direction. I would like to be aligned. I would love to be a person that does less averos. That's genuine. But also, I know I don't feel like a faker anymore because I know that what Hakadosh Baruch Hu wants from me is to bring these parts into alignment, to give them a space, to bring them to Hashem and say, Hashem, sometimes I don't feel like I'm enough, which comes from my lack of connection with You.

39:38 And as a result, this jealousy part has gotten out of control. This anxious part has gotten out of control. This angry part has gotten out of control. And this Yom Kippur, I'm trying to bring them back into alignment. So Rivkah is telling us the biggest chiddush in the world. Bring your stuff. Lifnei me. Before whom? Before Hashem. Bring it in. You bring it in. That's the pathway to tahara. That's what a yid needs. And now we understand who goes into the who goes lifnei ve-lifnim on Yom Kippur. The kohen gadol. In other words, just like the kohen gadol goes lifnei ve-lifnim, what's our responsibility on Yom Kippur? To go lifnei ve-lifnim. To turn radically inwards. Not inwards just to our parts. Inwards to our deepest sense of self. And from that deep sense of self, from that ultimate connection that cannot be broken to Hashem, from that space, you invite in all of your parts. That's what brings someone kapara. And now we can understand what was the Gemara saying in the very beginning. The Gemara was saying that our shulchan

40:40 In lieu of the mizbeach, our shulchan becomes the kapara. What does that mean? When we had the beis hamikdash and you came before the mizbeach. You weren't just there bringing an animal. It was a visceral experience. You came and you brought an animal and you put it on the mizbeach. It's like you were present on the mizbeach. So you were bringing your full self to Hashem and you say, 'I'm sacrificing myself to you. I want to be in connection, karov korban. I want to be close to you.' So that was the visceral experience that a Jew had when he came into the Beis Hamikdash. But now we don't have a Beis Hamikdash anymore in a visual way. The Beis Hamikdash still exists, but it hasn't yet been rebuilt in a way that we can experience it physically. So what do we have now? Now we have the experience of Achnasas Archem, the Achnasas Archem outside of ourselves to make other people feel comfortable within us because we're a space big enough to contain others. Rishlom Frayfeld told a story that when he went to visit the Chazon Ish

41:41 He saw the godless of the Chazon Ish. He wrote in his diary afterwards. A gadol is a circle. The larger the gadol, the more people can be encompassed in the circle. And the Chazon Ish was such a massive circle that literally people from all walks of life came to the Chazon Ish. We saw it by Rav Chaim Kanievsky's Echazalak of Racha. Every Jew of all shapes and sizes came to Rav Chaim Kanievsky. It didn't matter. If you stood there for long enough, you would see every single type of Jew walking in. A gadol is a circle. The bigger the gadol. The more people they can encompass. All of us have an enormous circle inside of ourselves, but we lack access to it because we don't focus enough on the infinite power of the self. Remember, the self is a chelak elokamimal. We are a piece of Hashem, which means we have an infinitely large circle. Every single Jew is capable of encompassing not only every single other Jew, but every single person in the world. When you're in self. This young man that I was speaking to last night told me the story that when he was in rehab.

42:43 He said his best friend in rehab was a Lebanese Arab. And when he left this Lebanese Arab from Lebanon, Mamish, he said, 'You should know until I met you.' This is what he said, like this, like what he said when he was leaving publicly. He said, 'Before I met you, you should know what I thought of Jews.' He's like, and now he's like, I picture Jews completely differently. There's something unbelievable about that. That when he was in self in that rehab, he was so beautiful that somebody who literally started off hating him became his best friend. And he said, 'You've changed my opinion of Jews. A yid has a responsibility to be so in self that we're such a large circle that we encompass everybody around us. And the only way to do that is really to do that for ourselves. The reason we have trouble being machnas areich for others is because the truth is we're not machnas areich for ourselves. And kapara comes from when you're sitting at your table. You're the bala bays. You get to say yes and no. You're in charge. Also every part of you feels comfortable at the table.'

43:45 That means you've brought every single part into alignment. And that's what kapara is. Kapara is a state of alignment. It doesn't mean perfection. Nobody is going to be perfect. Kapara means that I'm doing my best to live in a state of alignment. Girls, beis Hashem, This Yom Kippur should be a time of coming back to self. Of aligning ourselves with our deepest truth, And Be'ez Hashem, no longer hating on our parts. Not calling them unhealthy. Not labeling them as bad. Seeing them for what they are—positive impact, negative impact—but ultimately Voices within ourselves that require our attention. Be'ez Hashem, it's going to be a great year for all of Klal Yisrael.