Transcript
Automatic transcript; may contain mistakes, especially in Hebrew.
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You know, if you're learning the story of the Aqedah, that's heavy duty. Yeah, there's a story in this week's parashah that like very often goes unnoticed. The story is that basically Yitchak Avinu Becomes Extraordinarily Successful And Avimela recognizes his power and he asks him to leave Because he's basically become too great and so Yitzchak goes and he starts digging wells And the shepherds of garaar they fight him over these wells So if you look at the psukim it says vayyerevu roaigrar imroaigyitzchak so the shepherds Of garaar their quarlin their fighting with the shepherds of Yitzchak Laimar and they said Lanuamayim this well that you dug it belongs to us So what happens? Vayikrashim Haber Aysach So now Yitzchak names his well. This is like I guess the olden day equivalent of naming your company But it's interesting. He only names the company when he only names the well after the fight breaks out And what does he name it? He names it Aysach. Why?
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Why? Chiesas K'uimo, because they fought with him. So he digs a well, they cut the shepherds of Garaar. They're fighting, they say this is our water and he names the well. That's first story. Then what happens? He digs another well. In the Martian. Again, like I said, most people don't realize it, yeah? V'era chares so he goes ahead and he digs another well In other words fine you guys think this well belongs to you Go ahead I'll go dig another well V'ery v'gama leha and they fight him again On this well v'yik center so he names the well Center which also like allushing of like fighting contending Then he digs a third well this time no one fights him over it Vayyomir Ki'ata Hecha Vashem Wannu Now Hashem has made room for us. So three wells. Aesch, fight. And he names the well after the fight, which is strange.
Second well, sitna, again, a fight. And Yisrael cleaves, all the time. Finally he digs a third well and the shepherds of Gara'ah don't fight him on it, so he He names the well rechovo that's from a lushion of expansiveness Finally Hashem has made room for us okay now what is the mida of Yitzchak? Low Energy Unfocused Foggy You Might Be Dehydrated Gatorade zero powders have been scientifically designed to help improve hydration balance In the body with a clinically proven electrolyte blend And no artificial colors or flavors great tasting hydration no matter where you're When everything feels non-stop, movement becomes the pause. So give Lululemon this holiday season. Smooth, seamless running gear builds momentum through every mile. Insulated warmth invites staying out longer. And hard-wearing workout gear enables dialed in drive. Give the Feeling Shop In Store and on Lululemon.com
The man of boundaries the ultimate man of strength keeps backing down Tov Lontem, right, he's the Mida of Gura. Then let's take a look at what appears to be a minor detail here, see if you can pick it up in the Psukkim. I'll say the Psukkim in English, yeah? And the shepherds of Guraar fought with the shepherds of Yitrak, saying this water is ours. In the second one it says they quarreled over that one as well. What's missing? What was that? No, this is now in the second well, right? It says they quarreled over it. Who? Very good. Exactly right. Meaning in the first Pasak it specifically says the shepherds of Garaar fought with the shepherds of Yitzchot. Now that's implied in the second Pasak, right? It says, the Yachbrou Be'arachaz, Vayarivu Gammhaleha, and they fought him again on it. So you would naturally say the they is who? The they is the shepherds of Garaar. But it's interesting to note that the Pasak doesn't say it and And as we'll see some of them, Epharashim point that out. So the second question is, why doesn't it say that the shepherds fought him? Right? In the second pasak.
And the third question, which is the most obvious macro question, is every single letter in Torah is meant to inform our lives. There's not one word of Torah that's extra. And when I say extra, I don't just mean like it could have been written without it. I mean extra in the sense that like it's supposed to be life changing So now I understand that k.T.S. Yitzhak that makes sense right? You talk about like sacrifice being willing to sacrifice yourself for something greater Than Yourself Right? Being willing to what do you bind yourself to right? How much faith do you have in god? Those are lessons that are relevance what would be the lesson from this story? Like so yitzhak dug wells and he backed down and then he finally dug a well and it Didn't have a problem like what's the understand what's the In what way is this relevant to our lives? So those are the three questions. So the Ramban addresses this last question of why does the Torah devote attention to these three wells?
And the Ramban explains that these three wells, because wells are a big deal in Judaism, right? You always meet your wife by a well, right? That was the modern day, that was the old Londay Shiddach system, right? It's like bad girls hanging out at the well. She went to the shuk, she went to the well. She has a refutation. Of course the boys also went to the well when they were 16 years old. But they don't get in trouble because they did teshuva. But the girl who hung out by the well, she's a well dweller. So these three wells, the Ramban says correspond to the three, Beis Hamikdash. The three, but damn English. So the first one, Aysech, the Rambam says, Aysech we said means like a fight. So the first base Hamikdash was destroyed with a fight with who? With our enemies. That's what the Rambam says. Sittna is like an intensification. The hostility towards Klal Yisrael intensified, and the second base Hamikdash was destroyed as well.
And then the Ramban says, and the third Beis Hamikdash, which will be built by Meir Abiyameinu, the third Beis Hamikdash is called Rachovot. What does Rachovot mean? There's room. There's expansiveness. Nobody fights over it. So the Ramban says this story is really a story about the history of Klal Yisrael. First Beis Hamikdash was destroyed by our enemies. That was a sect. The second Beis Hamikdash destroyed by our enemies even more intense. But finally in the times of the third base Hamikdash then there's no more fighting But this also leaves us with a question because how would you describe the ultimate state of redemption? Right? So the ultimate state of redemption is described through the absence of fighting Isn't that interesting? The absence of fighting is the way we describe the third base Hamikdash Yitzchuk they fought with him over the first one, they fought with him over the second one, finally the third one, they left them alone Something about the nature of the third base HaMikdash is like Now we're going to leave you alone what is it precisely about the third base HaMikdash that has to do with No fighting okay and obviously why does the third well represent the third base HaMikdash So there's an amazing kliyakar in your life, girls, kliyakar is an amazing He is an amazing parashan to learn chomashvah, really beautiful, beautiful Tyre from the kliyakar.
So the kliyakar goes with the same mahalach as the ramban but adds a little bit more detail, detail that I think is very relevant to us. So he says it's the three Beishemich dashes, right, just like the ramban, but he says Asek is the struggle between who? Is the struggle between Mathlesi Huda and Mathlesi Shraal. You girls know the story that the kingdom was split, right? So he says it was an internal struggle, aesch. Yeah? Then he says the second Beis heimiktosh We know was also destroyed from sitna. What does sitna sound like? Sitna. And the second Beis heimiktosh was destroyed because of? Sinaschina. Sinaschina. Right? So it's starting to go well here. Yeah. No, I didn't mean it like that. But here the kliachar makes a very important point. And I'm going to read to you in... Well I just read it to you in English. But he basically He says as follows he goes notice the difference between asek and sittna in the first fight in asek during the times of the first base of English when there was a split between mautus beit david and mautus Yisrael so he says the fight actually made sense it made sense that fight no? Like when you have competing governments that fight makes sense each one is fighting over who is the fight Who's Going to Be the Ruler of That Territory?
He says when it comes to the second veissamiktosh, what's sin hasqinim? It's Hate for No Reason. So do you see how it goes? He says the first fight has a reason. The second fight has no reason. Why Is This Important? Because we pointed out before when it came to asak, what did the pasak add in? The plastic taz said that the shepherds of Gerar were fighting with the shepherds of Yetzchak. And they were fighting over what? They were fighting over the water. And what did they say? They said, it's our water. So the fight made sense. You understand, just like in the first base of HaMikdash, there was a fight and it made sense. So too in the second base of HaMikdash, there was a fight. So just like in the first well, there was a fight and it made sense. They said, you took our water. They were fighting over sovereignty over that well. And the shepherds are present, right?
When it comes to the second well, does it list a reason why they were fighting? It does not. Does it list who was fighting? It does not. So the Malbom says as follows, he says the first fight made sense, by the second fight it didn't make sense, why not? Because they already had water from the first well. You understand? When Yitzchak drew water from that well, they said, wait a second, we don't have any water. That's our water. Yitzchak left, what did they have? They had water. So when they fought over the second well, what was the fight over? Nothing. You understand how it goes? So this is what happens. First you hate someone for a reason. And it even makes sense. And then at some point, you ever notice how now they're living rent free in your head? And like everything they do bothers you they walk into the room and all of a sudden you're like on edge and it has nothing to do with the original fight
The original fight is over. Now it's like toxic in the relationship. So sometimes we have arguments that begin with very understandable reasons. Like for example, let's say you have a husband and a wife who are disagreeing over money. That's a common fight. The husband says I'm working so hard, I'm really doing my best to keep our head above water. Tuition is so expensive, camps are so expensive, clothing so expensive, food is so expensive. Now he goes and he checks his credit card. They're just so easy to click so you end up and dad is losing his mind and he says this like, did we really need this much stuff? Right? And now the wife goes, yeah, we do need this stuff You don't realize and people use these things, right? And he goes, then how come I see us constantly throwing stuff out? Right? This is I'm sure you've seen this fight in your home, right?
I mean, I'm sure you've never seen anybody fight in your home ever But just in case your parents are human, right? So Six months later, they're still fighting They don't even remember what the fight was started as anymore, right? It started over Amazon But of course, just because it had a reasonable start doesn't mean it has a reasonable end. Which is why, if you've ever seen people fight, especially couples, it starts off like this. She's like, you don't ever listen to me. He's like, all I do is listen to you. And you don't appreciate me. She's like, are you kidding me? I appreciate everything you do. I'm always telling people how amazing you are. He's like, and you never liked my mother. But how did you end up at you never liked my mother? Right, random family members get brought into conflict because what happens is That disagreements escalate and what happens as disagreements escalate?
The fight becomes about nothing so how do we respond? What happens? What happens When we have a situation where you start to feel attacked or humiliated by somebody else? Because this happens in relationships relationships can start to unravel So there's a Gemara in Yuma 23a. This Gemara is a save your marriage, save your parenting, game-change your Gemara. Yeah? Gemara says like this. Hanna elavim ve'enan alvim. Yeah? If you are insulted but you do not respond with insults. Shomen chir pason ve'enan me'eshiven You hear yourself being shamed but you don't respond And the Chazal say about these people, ve'oavav kesay sashamesh bigvuraso Those who love him are like the sun going forth in its strength Now there's a word there that I don't know if you quite, let's say it again. If you can hear an insult and not respond with an insult of your own, if you can be shamed by somebody else and not respond with a quick one-liner that shames them right back. You ever have one of those in your gun that you're just like, nope, I'm gonna hold on to it, yeah?
Listen which words that Gemara uses to describe such a person. Ve'oavav ketzes Hashemesh big vu'roso. You hear it? What is that? It's like if you love him, it's like the sun going forth in its strength. In other words, what does the Gemara tell us about someone who can be insulted and not respond? That's the ultimate in strength. Now why is that the ultimate Why is that so hard? Somebody comes after you and we do it like snap reaction. Your husband says something and you go, oh yeah, it's almost like you've got it in your pocket. You've got it in your arm. What was that? In your arm, I'll do that too. Like before I'll consult him and show you. Oh, okay, good. So we're gonna get to that. So I think the idea is this. Why do we feel compelled to respond? Why is it that we don't know how to be quiet?
When Someone Comes After Us We Don't Know How To Just Take It. Okay, Good. So I Feel Attacked. Yeah, so will responding actually be useful in such a case? Generally not. In fact, if we respond, what was that? Oh, good. So if you respond, you feel good. But it's not actually gonna lower the temperature on this fight, right? It's probably, if anything, going to increase it. So why is it that we're not able to be quiet? So I think the answer is like this. Doing nothing feels even more humiliating than the thing that was said to us. You humiliated me and doing nothing is even more humiliating than the thing that was done. I was talking to someone today who was humiliated in public. Humiliator. Like one of the worst cases of humiliation that I've heard in a long time. Parable. The people who humiliated him thought it was a joke. It was not a joke. It was not funny. Certainly not funny to him.
I'm not going to give you any of the details. It doesn't matter. But he was super embarrassed. In talking to him, it was clear that he was embarrassed, but it was also clear that he was humiliated by the fact that he didn't respond, and he just played it off. It's hard to not respond. And we become convinced that unless we somehow can win this argument, the other person's behavior diminishes us. Like, you diminished me, and I need to protect my dignity by responding. If I don't respond, it's even more humiliating. And then, I'm sure you've seen this, what happens when people feel humiliated? Sometimes they organize their entire identity around the fact that they were humiliated. So it's true. Something wrong happened to you, but now that story becomes central to their entire identity. And you ever see people who are constantly telling the story of their victimhood?
Right and it's like their entire life now is about the time that this injustice was done to him and And then we do this thing. Yeah, you ever have imaginary conversations with yourself about what you wish you would have said or what you will say next time Yeah, all the time, right? So even if we don't say it out loud, so let's say Ruv ain't embarrasses Shimon and let's say Shimon is quiet Shimon feels humiliated 2. Shimon feels weak that he didn't respond If a kid was embarrassed in class, even 20 years later, 30 years later, they could still be holding on to the shame of being humiliated by that teacher or by that Rebbe. And the reason is because that Rebbe was in a position of power. You were a little girl or you were a little boy. And when that Rebbe was trying understandably to have some classroom management and keep people disciplined, maybe that teacher lost their cool and maybe that teacher humiliated you.
And you were little, you weren't even allowed to speak up for yourself because if you did, now you're called chutzpahdek. And so you have to be quiet, but now you're just walking around with resentment. And 20 years later, if anybody mentions their name, I hate that guy. You were 11 when you knew that teacher. Now you're in your 50s why? And by the way I promise you that teacher doesn't even remember you right? So you're the one who's holding on to that story and there's a reason you're holding on to it right? Shop now online or at retailers nationwide. Gatorade hydrates better than water. Is it in you? Symptoms noted are signs of mild to moderate dehydration. Consult a health care professional if symptoms persist. When everything feels non-stop, movement becomes the pause. So give Lululemon this holiday season. Smooth, seamless running gear builds momentum through every mile.
Comfortable workout styles clear the way for locked-in focus. And dynamic stretch expands presence through every pose Give The Feeling. Shop in-store and on Lululemon.com So it's a very difficult thing to live with, right? I need to confront you. I desperately need to confront you. Why? Because if you don't apologize to me, if I can't get you to acknowledge that you were wrong, this is who I am now. You understand? And that is a very powerless thing to be in this world. The problem, of course, is as follows. The person who's been humiliated, their life now, is entirely emotionally dependent upon the response they get from their attacker. So I might not ever get that apology from you. And you might not even think you did something wrong. So now I'm holding onto the story and it's like, no, I need you to apologize. I need you to recognize that you were wrong.
But now you've outsourced your identity because now your emotional health is depending on who. It's depending on them. You understand how you've shifted outside of yourself now? Right? But outside of yourself, that's when things start to go wrong. Now listen to the genius of Tyre. Every word of Tyre is precious. There's not one word of Tyre that's not relevant to us. What's the genius of Yitzchak? The ultimate in strength. The ultimate dignity of Yitzchak is he's able to distinguish between things that are actually his responsibilities and So Yitzchak says, I need water. I don't need to win this fight to get water. You claim that this well is yours, I claim that the well is mine. I've made my claim. So the shepherds of Yitzchak were fighting with the shepherds of Garaar and he said we don't need to have this battle. We made our claim, they claim otherwise. Okay, we can dig another well.
My responsibility now is to my family right? I just need water so he moves on and he makes Another well but at this point who can't lose the fight? They can't lose the fight not him The shepherds of gerar now they're going after him they're not going after him because they Need water why do we know that they don't need water? They have water now they're going after Him because that's what people do when they're in a fight but it's an interesting that happens Yitzchuk says, okay, you guys think it's yours, I can do it. And move on. Why do they follow him? They follow him because the fight has now graduated from being
about water to being about who's right. Yitzchak to them is an existential threat. So Yitzchak says okay, I don't need to convince you. I can continue living my life. I can actually don't dig another well. In other words, at every stage, Yitzchak of it chooses, n'elooven Zavin V'heninolvin You're insulting me. You're coming after me. I'm not responding to you because that is the ultimate act of strength. And I can move forward in my life without obtaining from you the acknowledgment that you were wrong. And what does that make Yitzchak? Emotionally independent. And that is the ultimate act of strength. That my inner sense of self is not outsourced in you. Now that does not make injustice acceptable. It just means that my future is no longer dependent on the way that you show up to this relationship. Now I said to you before, let's think about how that would change your marriage. Your husband came home. He had a hard day at work. He's frustrated with his boss. He turns on the computer and it's not anybody's fault that The tab that's open is the Amazon card. And he explodes. And that's not okay. It's not okay for him to explode.
What's happening inside of you right now? And I'm specifically taking marriage as an example because it's not something you're in right now. So it's just like a prep thing, but it's kind of easy to think of it. That's his stuff. Now it might be directed towards you, but that's all that it is. It's his frustration in your direction. What happens when you scoop that up? And you say, I'm not okay because he's wrong. He doesn't have the right to walk in this house and treat me that way, which is true. The injustice, as we're going to see, is not acceptable. But when you say, don't walk into the house that way, I've been killing myself all day long which is true right I'm taking care of this family you don't just get to look at that cart and decide what we do or don't need like you're not home enough to know what we need oh I'm not home enough to know what we need right and now we're off to the racist what would happen if we said I am emotionally independent from you present in this relationship but firmly planted in my own soil right that's the three rings right one ring is you one ring is him
And then there's a ring that links you both but you stay in your own ring the marriage takes place in the middle ring called the space in between it's the space that we cultivate if you show up to the space that we cultivate and you're triggered and you're angry I'm not saying that's okay but I'm not going to enter into that space with you now with my own stuff scoop up your stuff and now start fighting and an amazing thing happens when you don't do that the energy and the relationship starts to go like this that high life is a If you don't meet that energy, what happens? Peter's amped. So originally it's like we didn't have any water. And Yisrael goes, okay, well if you think this water is yours, we'll move on. But they come after him because they can't stop. And he moves on again. What happened? Why'd they stop fighting with him? Because they had nobody to fight with. In a marriage, in any relationship really, we think they were fighting with me. There would be no fight if Peter was in the same place.
If you weren't present in that fight you chose to participate in that fight which means you're 100% Responsible for your 50% of the machlokas that's happening but when we don't show up When we're yitzchakavinu and we have enough strength and this is going to be the hardest Thing in the world to take the loss knowing that your identity is not dependent on whether Or not you win or lose this fight take the loss guess what you get you get a happy You get a marriage where we are not going to fight with each other because if you show up to fight or I show up to fight the other person is not joining in that fight And that is what it is if I show up and I am all triggered it is like an invitation to fight you don't have to accept that invitation we accept the invitation because we think it is humiliating not to You humiliated me and if I don't stand up for myself that is even worse And if I don't stand up for myself now I am sitting with the story in my head and I am telling my friend my husband this my husband that right But why do you show up to that fight?
And again not to excuse his behavior because somebody is for sure going to say I heard Ramburg say that if your husband fights with you shouldn't fight back no I'm saying why did you need to? Why did you choose to participate in that? Does that mean that it's not unjust? Let's think about what yitzchuk names the wells What does he name the well? And when does he name it? He doesn't name it when he shows up I imagine elon musk when he said I'm going to start electric car company I imagine one of the first questions he asked was What's It Going to be Called? What's It Going to be Called? What was the name of this well before the fight happened? Nothing. You Know Why? Because it didn't mean anything to him. It was just a well. It didn't mean a name. Children need a name.
This company didn't need a name. He was there for the water. He understood. This is a responsibility. People over identify with their responsibility. They name it like a child you know what that looks like? I'm a lawyer I'm a doctor I own nursing homes not one many yeah why did you introduce you? What do you do? I'm an attorney that's a good answer who are you? I'm a lawyer that's not a good answer you are not your job yitzchuk said I have a responsibility now to dig a well for my families so we can have water I am not a There was an injustice done to me. Because if you can't name it, then it takes over your life. I can name this, I can talk about it, I can tell you what happened here, and then I let it go, I move on. Yitzhak wasn't at that third well, going like I can't believe these people.
What happened at the third well? What was his experience at that third well? There was no Fight. Why does he name that well? He names that well not because he's naming the well, The well needed a name because it's his child what's the experience he had around that well? There was room in other words I finally arrived at a place of expansiveness And that's a very profound thing the Torah is telling us because when you're in an expansive state, Guess What? Nobody Attacks You. If you are in self people don't attack you people attack you when you are not in self If you hold yourself there is not really the right words to define this so you just come With me but you ever meet somebody who is truly present, clear, curious, compassionate, they They hold themselves with certain dignity even if you are upset you don't attack them.
Why Not? They are in what we call an expanded state. An Expanded State means Their Self, what we would call the nishama, is permeating every aspect of their being. There is no room for machleikis anymore. The fascinating thing is that these wells helped Yitzchak level up. When the first fight happened, Yitzchak said, they're fighting with me because they think they can. So he moved on. He said, I don't need to respond. And what happened? They fought with him again. And he moved on again. But every time he moved on, he was leveling up as a person. He was becoming more and more in self until they realized, there's nobody to fight with here. And that brought an expanded state of consciousness to Yitzchak of Inu. And now he says this is rechovaht this is the place where I reached and expanded, expanded state of consciousness that nobody could fight with me And now after Yitzchak leaves this conflict and finally settles elsewhere what does that call the sparch of zaydah?
Hashem appears and he says altira don't fear why ki'itcha anochi for I am with you Now, he's moved on Yitzchak. The show is over. Why would he be afraid? It's like they fought with him, right? Then they fought with him again. Then they stopped fighting with him. And now what does Hashem say to him? Don't be afraid. Yeah, I mean, fights over. Why would I be afraid? So listen what the Ramban says. The Ramban says that Yitzchak actually had a meaningful reason to be afraid. He was afraid that Avi Melach and the people of Garaar And that might still attack him. Even though he had reached this expanded state of consciousness, he's like, okay, I'm good Yeah, and I've reached this state and I'm just not going to fight back and hopefully that means that they won't fight with me But what happens when I'm with people that are so sick that they don't know how to participate in a healthy relationship And they just keep coming and that's Avimelech. That's that's the people of Garaar. What happens if they're sick?
So what does that Kaldush Baruch say to him? Don't be afraid because I am with you. Now let's unpack that for a second. Where does fear come from? Fear comes from the feeling that I am not enough. I don't know how to meet this particular moment. What happens? And I'm sure you've had questions like this. What happens if they just keep coming at me? And they just keep coming? And they just keep coming? What's the fear that you have underneath? What Happens If They Win? Right? But if you knew that you were totally aligned with Hashem, and that's what it means to be in self, right? Then no amount of fighting will ever diminish you. And so sometimes in our lives we have unhealthy people, and we can, as we'll see in a moment, draw healthy boundaries with them. But, just because I draw healthy boundaries doesn't mean that they're not going to keep coming.
But if I'm actually aligned with Hashem, which means I'm totally in touch with my neshamah, I'm living in that expanded state of consciousness, that I don't show up in fear. It doesn't mean I don't have reason to be afraid. What's Hashem saying? Altira? Why? Because you and I are totally aligned. You're drawing your power from the wellspring itself. Meaning you're connected to the source. When a person is connected to the source, there is no way that someone can show up and actually diminish you. And that's the ultimate fear, the fear that we spoke about from the very beginning. That I'm going to be diminished by the way that you show up. But if you are actually aligned with Hashem, you said, I have an infinite Godly soul that lives inside of me and I'm connected to an infinite God. Can you be diminished in any way?
So let's finish this up and then I'll open it up to questions. Yeah. Ultimately, what happens? Avi Melach comes and he wants to establish a peace treaty with Yitrak. So now Avi Melach comes, right? This is the big reason that Yitrak has to fear. He shows up and he says, I want to sign a peace treaty with him. What does Yitrak say to him? Maduah ba'atamei lai. Why did you come to me? V'atem sin'esimosi When you hated me, it's a shachunim etchan, and you sent me away from you. So it's an interesting thing. What does Yitzchak do? He waits. Yeah, when the time is right and he's himself, he is able to have the deeply uncomfortable conversation and hold somebody else accountable. You're coming to me now, but if you're coming to me now, let's have an honest conversation. What happened? You hated me that was your stuff and you sent me away and I left because I wasn't going to fight but you want to enter into a treaty with me?
You want to have a deal between us? If you want to participate in a relationship with me? We're going to have to have an awkward and uncomfortable conversation about this relationship And that's what I said to this young man who I was talking to. I said, you were really hurt. The question is, can you have with these people a healthy confrontation? Can you talk to them about what was real for you? Because if you're going to be in a relationship, we have to have the awkward conversation. When we're ready, when we're in self, and not from a place of fear. So Yitzchak is not conflict avoided. Conflict avoided is running away. Yitzchak has the ability to address conflict when it's appropriate, when he's inself, and not from a place of fear, holding someone accountable for their actions without pouring out his stuff on them. And that is a couple of succaminetorah that give us the most incredible insight about what it looks like to be in complex relationships with other people.
Strength does not always mean winning. Strength sometimes means, I don't need to participate in this fight, I'm not identified by this particular moment, I'll wait until you're ready to have a conversation. Oh, you want to be in a relationship with me? Your husband gets triggered, he comes home, he's all upset. Then later at night he comes to talk to you and you go, if you want to talk to me, I want to talk to you, but let's talk about what happened earlier. Not because you're angry, you're inself, you're present in that moment. Say, when you walk in the house and you get really triggered like that, it doesn't feel safe. And so I just want you to know I'm happy to be here with you. But we have to have a temperature in our home. Low energy, unfocused, foggy, you might be dehydrated. Gatorade zero powders have been scientifically designed to help improve hydration balance in the body.
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Abiy Melchudah said, why didn't you talk to me about this? Because I'm not going to participate in this fight. Because you keep coming after me, I'm not participating. If you come to me to participate in a relationship, I can have an honest conversation with you about what happened. But if you're just coming after me, I'm not participating in a relationship like that. That's not what a healthy relationship looks like. And that's what he said at the end. At the end when they said, oh we want to be in a relationship, he said, well if we're going to be in a relationship, let's talk about it. Abiy Melchit said, Why didn't you talk to me about this before? You were attacking me before. You sent me away before it. You were living in fear. But it wasn't said. I'm confident that Yisrael didn't say it with anger. He said it from a place of strength. Strength is not the strength to dominate somebody else. What is strength really? Strength is just the ability to live in reality and to call it out. I'm holding you accountable. It's not with any anger. I don't need anything from you. Yeah?
No, I don't want the same in the family. I don't want that. You can't always. It's not always going to be true that you can leave that situation and keep moving to another one and moving to another one. But I also don't have to engage. No, you may become more angry. You can just settle in thehenchilah and don't care. No, but I think there's a difference in the way you said it and I think you're making it an excellent point. But let's think about the way you do the speaking. You're not in shalat, you don't care. If you genuinely don't, what's the energy? If you feel like you did something wrong, then you can apologize. And you can say, it's true, I should be more careful about the spending. But if you feel right now that he's just walked in clearly and he's had a bad day, don't take the bait on that, because you're not going to solve anything.
It's okay to draw from another well. I can get what I need somewhere else right now. I don't need to get this from you. I don't need to get this from here right now. Well, you know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, Sometimes healthy distance is what allows a person to show up to a relationship and this is very very subtle point because Pulling not out of the relationship Hashem Shalom. I'm not even saying pulling back from the relationship, but having healthy and appropriate boundaries Allows people to have that space in between that's really sanctified for the relationship Right, and if you if you're like, no, we're gonna stay engaged. We're gonna say it's okay It's OK to step back for a second. It's OK to just like let's give some space to breathe. We don't always need to be on top of each other right now. I can draw and that's what a well is.
A well is I'm drilling underneath to find the water that is within. So I don't need to draw from this well right now if that's where you need to be. I have enough to draw another well. I can dig inside of myself and find another place to be. And so if you're not in a place right now, that's OK. I'm still OK. They come after you again? I'm still okay. As you pull back and realize you're more and more okay? That's where a tremendous emote of growth happens in a relationship. Last question. Is one Chazal says like who is a smart person someone that keeps quiet is that referring to this? So so what I'm not exactly sure which maimer Chazal you're quoting but it's you took room with the one that I said that I quoted Is it like no not the one that you quoted but there's a Chazal somewhere I don't know but I don't know but it's like Ezeh Hu Ha'kam someone that keeps quiet Okay, so is that keeping quiet referring to this? It could be Ezehu Gebur Ha'kovei Shasheh Tz Who's strong? So that's what I'm saying. Perhaps the notion of real strength is the inner strength to conquer that inclination, To come back and to fire back at you right because I'm enough for myself so I don't need to fire back at you I'm not participating in this relationship because I'm not operating from a place of lack
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