Chayei Sarah - The Humble Servant Makes The Shidduch

2:15 In fact, really in the entire Torah, Eliezer's name is only mentioned once. And what's he called? Damask Eliezer. Why is he called Damask Eliezer? Either because he was from Damascus, or because in the milchama. Of the four kings against the five kings, maybe he pushed them all the way back to Damascus. The Gemara says that Damasek is from a lashon of doyle umashka. Doyle umashka means that he ladles out to give to drink. That Eliezer, his entire life Was about Avram Avinu. That whatever Avram Avinu taught, he was the shamus. He was the one that went out and said, "I want to share with you the teachings of Avram Avinu." That's Damesek Eliezer. Not only was it where he was from Or what he accomplished, it's who he was in his essence. It spoke to his mission. In fact, we know Chazal say that when Avram Avinu went out to battle for Lot So he took with him how many soldiers? 318 soldiers. It's good to have you in the front. I feel like I have somebody who knows the answers.

3:23 Sometimes I do it and it's like nobody knows. I feel good about myself, but with you, I feel okay. And who? What does Rashi say? 318 soldiers. Really, is who? It's really Eliezer. It's begematria, Eliezer. So Eliezer is ever Avram. He has no name. Even the only time we know him is Damasic Eliezer. He's daile umashka. And when Avram Avinu fights a war, who's really his soldiers? It's Eliezer. And somehow. It's critical that in the most important move of Avram Avinu's life Where Avram Avinu says, "Now I need to create continuing generations of Klal Yisrael." Avram Avinu was chosen by Hakadosh Baruch Hu because he was the one who was going to set in motion all the links in the chain, and so this is critical. Yitzchak is the one who is going to become the mission of Avram Avinu in action. To find him a wife Who better to do it than Eliezer?

4:25 But of course, we know that Eliezer himself had a daughter. I have a 19 year old daughter. And she's in Shadokim. Could you imagine if I had a Talmud, and this Talmud was the best guy out there, and he comes to me and he says, Rebbe, could you give me some advice for dating? I'm looking for a girl. And maybe I'm so close with this Talmud, and I see that he's such a good guy. A really nice guy. I know he's going to treat my daughter like a queen. I know that he's going to build a home of Tyre. And maybe in my heart of hearts, what am I saying? Maybe I know somebody for you. Maybe I can't do it myself. You have to have another Rebbe in yeshiva go over to that guy and say, 'Have you considered maybe dating R. Berg's daughter?' You should know I had this once.

5:15 Not for my daughter. I had this once—a very uncomfortable conversation. One of the most uncomfortable conversations in my life. I shouldn't tell you this, so I'll tell you this. My Rebbe, Shlita, 94 years old Tremendous lamdan, a tremendous tamu chacham. He used to have us over once a year in his house and once a year in his daughter's house. Purim was in his daughter's house, probably because he didn't want to deal with the cleanup. Chanukah was in his house. So what is a good yeshiva bacher for girls? This is good for shaduchim. You want to know what to look for after the Chanukah messiba. There's always the guys that leave, and there's the guys that clean up. You want the guys that stay to clean up. You want the guys that like no, you don't just leave a mess. You don't just say thank you very much and leave.

6:03 Some guys clean up a little bit. Some guys stay till the end. I wanted to be mashamish my rebbe. So I stayed. I cleaned up. I washed dishes. It was a couple of us, and the next day my rebbe came over to me. And he said, Mordechai. My granddaughter noticed that you stayed and cleaned up, and I'm wondering what you're looking for in a shidduch. I was like, I got you don't know what to say, so I told him, and he goes, I want you to consider dating my granddaughter. I was blown away. This is my Rashi Shiva, the person I look up to most in the world. I'm gonna be his grandson-in-law. Like this it. Like I don't even care about the girl. I just want to be related to him. I wish I'd say I was lying. I was lying.

6:50 I went back to my chavruta. I sat down. My chavruta said, "Knew what did Rebbe want?" I said, "He wants to set me up with his granddaughter." My chavruta said, "Can't do it. Can't date her." I said, "Why not?" He said, "Could you imagine breaking up with her?" I was like, "Oh, you're right." He said, "I'm gonna sit down with him and he's gonna like because he was a real lamdan. I was gonna be like." Rebbe, I don't, I don't think it's gonna work out. He said, "Okay, explain to me. Let's break it down. Let's analyze it." I just don't want to. What are you gonna say? So I went back to my Rebbe. I said, I don't think it's a good idea for our relationship to date her. And I never did. I never did. You want someone who's gonna be a special person. You want, I've had this before. You see a guy in yeshiva, you go maybe. Eliyzer was mevatel himself with everything that he had. This is damasic Eliyzer. He's da'ilo umashke. He fights the wars. He's spreading the message of Avram Avinu, and he has a daughter. And Avram Avinu comes to him and he says to him, "I need you to take a shvua that you're going to find a good girl for my son. Why? Because I know that you really have in the heart in your heart of hearts that maybe it'll work out."

7:54 Maybe it'll work out with your daughter. Then Avram Avinu says something very strange, something that's almost impossible for us to understand. What does Rashi say? That Avraham Avinu says to him, "You are oror And I'm Baruch. An oror cannot marry baruch. That doesn't sound like the Avraham Avinu that we've come to know and love. Imagine saying to this person who's jeopardized his life, who's given over his entire life to you, coming to him and saying You're cursed. I'm blessed. Cursed and blessed is not a shidduch. What do you mean? First of all, what does that mean? What do those words mean? Eliezer must have been an unbelievable person. His bittul, his total nullification to Avram Avinu, was incredible. It was absolute. This you would think would be the ultimate shidduch for Avram Avinu. This his prime disciple. This the ultimate Talmud, and he's got a daughter.

8:52 No. I need you to go away from here. I need you to find the daughter of Besuwell. The sister of Lavan. This is the greatest shiduch. This is the most amazing girl. That's what we're gonna find. Don't you want a girl who's gonna come from your home? Don't you want a girl who grew up with your hashkafas? Don't you want a girl who grew up with your vision of Chesed? Eliyazzer was there every step of the way. No doubt that his daughter was right behind him, saying, "Tati, I'm learning. I'm learning." I'm sure she was a tremendous girl. She must have, no doubt, been an unbelievably from girl The best Beis Yaakov girl out there. I don't know who I just offended, but I heard the I don't know what that was. The best Nala girl out there. I don't know who I just offended. She was the best brewery girl out there. Now I've offended everybody equally.

9:40 But see, I didn't say anything about the five towns So I'm good so far. I just offended a whole bunch of people over here. Lavan. Lavan, who's BK Shlaker as I call Not a good shiduch resume for Rivka. Not a good shiduch resume. What's your brother up to? You check into the brothers. Nothing. His future plans are to destroy all of Klaliyosol. That's the girl I'm looking for my son. Who's the father? I'm Besuah. Like this not a good shiduch. Eliyazzer's daughter. It's right there in front of him. What in the world is Abraham Avinu doing? And not only does he make the wrong call, but he tells Eliezer, 'You're arer.' That's a terrible thing to say to somebody. Imagine saying to somebody, "You're arer." Imagine going over to a girl in MMY and saying When you get out there And you're in Stern trying to get your MRS, I just want you to know.

10:43 You get that? I just want you to know, you're arer. So don't try to marry Baruch. Stick with your own kind. That's a terrible thing. You go to a shadchan, the shadchan says to you. I don't know. You're kind of cursed. It's not like how could Avraham Avinu have said such a terrible thing? Are you with me? Makes sense? It makes no sense. Why in the world would he do that? Not only that The Torah says this whole maseh twice. Everything Eliezer is talking. What do Chazal say? Yafasichosan shall have the avos. Yisere. Too much pressure. Too much pressure. That the speech of the servants of the avos is even more beloved, even more precious to Hashem than the Torah of the children. So if Eliezer, this whole maysa, he's so kadosh, Hakadosh Baruch Hu just wants to record all of his sicha, he just wants to record all of his speech. It's even greater than the Torah of Avram Avinu's children.

11:51 You don't make a shetach with such a person. It doesn't mean it doesn't make any sense. I want to talk a little bit about relationships. Seriously, for a second. We live in a generation where perhaps now more than ever We talk about relationships. And perhaps now more than ever, the challenges of relationships are as real as they. Ever were before in the history of humanity. The divorce rate in the secular world is nearing sixty percent. And the books, if you want to write a successful book, I wrote unsuccessful books. If you want to write a successful book Just go to the self-help section and all books on relationships. Everybody is writing about relationships, and it's not working. What's the pshat? I don't know how to say this nicely, so I'm just going to say it directly. You know the guy who's objectively considered very attractive.

13:01 And people go like, he's really good looking. And then he opens his mouth. You know that guy? You know I'm talking about. You've met him. You know him from camp. I know you haven't met him. Your friend who introduced you. And there's arrogance just pouring out of his mouth. Isn't it incredible that somebody can go from being objectively good looking in one moment to all of a sudden you're repulsed by them? And there's a sense in relationships that we have That a person can actually become more and less attractive. It's an interesting thing that it really happens. Every year you have this in yeshiva. A guy comes to me and he says I know all the rabbis say. There's no such thing as platonic relationships, but I'm telling you, I have a platonic relationship. I said, tell me about it. First of all, Rabbi, we've been friends forever and nothing has ever happened and nothing will ever happen. She's like my sister.

14:03 We're family friends. It would be so inappropriate for us to get together. I grew up with her. Her brother is my best friend. She's a twin. We were in the house together. Like I'm telling you, nothing could ever happen. Plus I'm not attracted to her. Wow! Congratulations, you have a Platonic friend. Good for you. Three months later Rabbi, you remember that girl I told you about? I'm like, yeah. He's like, I don't know what happened. I don't know. It's just can't stop thinking about her. I'm like, what happened? He's like, I don't know. I'll put it in girl terms. One day he was Ross, and the next day she was like Ross, right? Why do you know that? Why do you know that joke? Because that's my turn. It pays to be a very relevant rebbe. That's why they pay me the big bucks. What I mean to say, translating, is one day she's just this regular girl, and the next day I can't stop thinking about her. And what happened?

15:09 And it's not a mystery. It's not a mystery what happened. I know. I say to the guy, I'm like, but I thought it's like. She's your sister. It could never happen. Your family, friends, your best. He's like, I know it's killing me, and I'm like, and I thought she was unattractive. He goes, I thought so too. Now it's totally different. I'm saying, she didn't physically change. He says, yeah, but she did. And I'm saying, why? He says, I don't know. And he's very frustrated by it. I'm saying, what do you think will happen if you meet a really good person and you spend time devoted to that person, talking to that person, building a relationship? Is it possible that you might accidentally build a relationship? Isn't that possible? And the guy says, Yeah, I guess that's probably what happened. We were just really good friends, and then all of a sudden we weren't in the friend zone anymore.

15:56 All of a sudden we were just there for each other. We were really just being there. And then I don't know, I just caught feelings. I say I caught feelings. It's not like a thing you can catch, by the way. But I caught feelings. What's the key ingredient? So here's the way it goes. The challenge of relationships is as follows: I'm me. And you're you And somehow we have to create this thing called the space in between. The space in between is where relationships live. For example, if you're a marriage therapist, you're not seeing the husband and you're not seeing the wife. You're seeing this new thing called a couple. You're seeing a new thing called a couple. It doesn't exist anywhere that you can touch. You can't measure this thing called the couple, but therapists will call it the space in between the husband and the wife. That's where the relationship lives. That's where the relationship exists. But the problem with the space in between is that I'm over here And you are over there.

17:01 And how do we create this space in between us? How do we do that? In a practical way, in an actionable way. Here's what it looks like. It looks exactly like the creation of the world. Exactly like the creation of the world, and that's not accidental. Because when Hakadosh Baruch Hu created the world, why did He create the world? Because the Medrash says Nesave Hakadosh Baruch Hu lios lo yisbarach dira b'tachtonim. Hakadosh Baruch Hu desired to have a dwelling place in the world down below. And that's just a fancy way of saying that Hakadosh Baruch Hu wanted a relationship with us. So it makes sense that in every relationship in this world, it's the microcosm of creation itself, which is to have a relationship with us. So what does Hakadosh Baruch Hu do when he creates the world? According to Kabbalah, Hakadosh Baruch Hu pulls himself back to create space for another.

17:52 He pulls himself back to create space for another. Another way of saying this is Hakadosh Baruch Hu humbles himself to allow for another to exist. Because really, there's no place that's devoid of Hashem, and any time we see any space where Hashem exists, there shouldn't be anything else. It would be like trying to pick out a ray of the sun while staring at the sun itself. If you're staring at the sun itself, you can't determine what's the ray because the sun overwhelms it. Hakadosh Baruch Hu's presence is infinite, and in the space of infinite, no finite should exist. So Hakadosh Baruch Hu's mitzamseim himself; he pulls himself back. To allow for the creation of another Or to put it in human terms, it sounds like this: When couples are fighting Very often the words that they'll say, even if they're not saying these exact words, this is what it means.

18:48 I feel like there's no space for me in this relationship. I feel like you're dominating this space, and there's no room for my voice or my feelings. I'll give you an example of what this looks like. A husband walks into his house. And he's had a very long day of work, and he shows up and it's eight o'clock at night. This guy is a real bentire, he's a real mensh. He wakes up at five thirty in the morning so that he could be a six o'clock daviomi. Six forty-five he daven shacharz. He comes home at seven thirty, helps get the kids off, jumps on the LIRR, goes to the city for work all day. His only break, he runs to daven mincha instead of taking lunch out. He just eats a quick sandwich at his office so he can chapa mincha. He comes home on the LIRR. Maybe he falls asleep on the train because he's so exhausted. He runs to catch a Ma'ariv.

19:36 And then he comes home. He's exhausted. He walks in the door, and his wife had a hard day too. She also has done a tremendous amount of work today. Especially in America, a person needs to have two incomes in order to support the insane lifestyle that we've created for ourselves. That's not a joke. I wish it was. But it's an insane world that we live in. And not only that, she has all the responsibilities of running a home and all the emotion that comes with raising teenage daughters, which, as you might know, is not always so poshut. I have four teenage daughters. I am well aware of the challenges of what it means to raise teenage daughters. She's had a tough day as well. The husband walks in, and not because the wife is a bad person, and not because the husband is a bad person, but both of them are already over maximum capacity. Their emotional bandwidth is down to zero, and maybe they're in minus.

20:29 So what happens? The wife, right away, she says, "I'm so glad you're home. I just need you to take care of something." Did she mean it in a bad way? Of course not. Did she want to say, "I love you. How was your day?" Of course she did. But she's so overwhelmed that the first thing she said is, "I'm glad you're home. I need you to take care of this thing." And what does the husband do? He got triggered by that because he says, "I was just coming home to sit for a couple of minutes, and so right away he goes, "Could you not just throw things at me as soon as I walk in the door? I just need to sit down for a couple of minutes, and then I could take care of this." And then she goes, "You know, I had a hard day too." Right? And then he goes, "I'm sure you did. I just want to sit down. I think it's okay for me to say I want to sit down." Well? I never get to sit down, and you never liked my mother, right? You've seen the show, I see, And all of a sudden, we're off to the races, and now the fight's blowing up. It's like, well, you never create space for me, and you never allow me to be this.

21:28 There's a yusoid in relationships. Anybody is allowed to show up exactly as they are. And humble people will create space for uncomfortable interactions. In other words, in the best case scenario, when that wife sees her husband as he walks in the door and she says, "Oh, I'm so glad you're home. I need you to take care of something," and the husband does not like the way that she showed up. He wants to. He wants her to. He wants to walk in the door, and she should say, "Hi, how are you? How was your day? Let's sit down. There's a couple things I need to talk to you about, but we'll get to that in a minute." That's what he wants. But does he control the way that she shows up? No. We do not control other people. Humble people create space for people to show up however they are.

22:16 And therefore, in the ultimate husband-wife relationship, what happens? The husband, in that case, might have space to say to her I know you probably didn't mean it this way. When I walk in the door, what's important to me in a relationship is to feel like this is a place of belonging. It's not just a place of connection. It's not just a utility. I'm not just here to work for you. I want to feel like I'm home and I'm welcome. And that's what it looks like for me. And when you say that right away, it's hard for me. It's hard for me. It makes me feel like I'm just here to work for you. And if he says it in an appropriate way, if he says it in a way that allows space for her to be, because she's also had a really hard day. If he says, 'It's okay, I understand where you're coming from. I also want to share my experience,' then that gives her permission to do the same for him. Then she could say, 'Yeah, I did do that actually. I know that I said that right away. I guess sometimes what's hard for me is you don't see what happens at home, and so you walk in and you think like everything is just run smoothly, but it hasn't run smoothly at all. I'm just making it look easy because I'm really good at this.'

23:23 But the truth of the matter is. That was for us. That was they don't understand that at all. But that was for us. We're the only two guys in the room. There's only you know I'm saying like this it, right? This what we lived through. This what we lived through because we're married to these exceptionally talented people, but they also need a sense of validation, a sense of belonging, and so that gives space for her to say I'm okay with the way that you showed up, walking in the door and saying, 'I just need to sit down for a minute.' That's okay. You're entitled to show up any way you want to. I want to share with you what's important to me. The humility in that conversation is what allows for the space between to be created. That's what a healthy marriage looks like. Of course, in the dating process, that's very difficult because you're introducing yourself to somebody. Let's talk about the space in between when it comes to dating.

24:19 Bez Hashem, in the right time, you will all have really awkward, uncomfortable first dates. Amen. That was well played. I want you to know, I've spoken at many seminaries. You guys, right on the ball. You get to the bracha. Later, you have to do aw. At some point, we have to be yotzay the two things of every seminary shiur. Amen and aw. We'll get there. There's Roshan. We'll get to there. So you're going to stand outside of Stern or wherever it is that you're going, and you're going to wait for the guys to walk by, and he's going to come. Sarah, nope, down there. Like you have that awkward interaction. I'm not saying I've had that. I'm just saying it's awkward. There's a guy I know that he was standing outside of Stern and he was waiting for this girl to come And she was late. And so she came. I won't say his real name. So 10 minutes late, she came and she's like I'm like she was across the street and she's waving to him, I'm here, I'm here. And she crossed the street and she goes, Reuven, I'm sorry I was late. And he goes, I'm not Reuven. She says, I'm sorry. I just thought because you were here. He says, No, it's okay. And she starts to walk away. He says, I am Reuven. Come back.

25:29 And she laughed. But she said to him later in the date, "What if I didn't laugh? What if I was really offended by that?" He said, "Well, then you probably wouldn't have been the right one anyway." But still, not a risk. If that happens to you, they are probably not married. Definitely not. He's a particular type of person, if you understand what I'm saying. He married a very special girl who's exceptionally patient. You show up on that awkward first date. What's the fear? Let's name the fears. The fears are you could do it right away. It's very easy. I am not fill-in-the-blank enough. All those things are going to be present. And so, what do we do on a first date? We pretend to be something that we're not in order to be accepted by the other person, which is of course ridiculous because then we don't give them the opportunity to truly accept us. If you put on a show and you show them this is a version of myself, who do you expect them to connect to? Let's say they do connect to what you're selling. If that's not actually you, probably not going to result in a healthy and enduring relationship.

26:30 So what we do is we test the waters. We test the waters. It's called the vulnerability trust paradox. We know that we need to be vulnerable in order to build connection, but we're not going to be vulnerable until we trust you. So what do we do? We are a little bit vulnerable. You don't go into your first date saying, 'Let's play a game. Whose family is more messed up?' That's not a good first date. I know. Because that was the first date I had with my wife. It's not a good idea to play that game on a first date. It happened to be it worked out in my case, but in general, a very bad idea. Also, don't go axe throwing. Because let's say he's good at it. Did you go axe throwing? Because I'm not insane. Like today is like what are we gonna do as an activity? Let's see if I can murder you from five. Let's say he's good at it. You don't say he's an athlete. You say the greatest murderer of females in the world are males. This is time to go. Not a good idea. It's true?

27:25 It's a crazy thing. All these girls, I had such a great time. It was really, I felt so connected to him. What'd you do? Axe throwing. Dave and Buster's. That's a normal date. But say there, whatever you crazy kids do these days. So you show up and you put yourself out there a little bit. You're a little bit vulnerable. You say something like I remember when I was in seminary. It was a difficult adjustment in the beginning. What does humility look like in that case? Humility looks like this. Really, tell me more. That's a humble thing to do. It's inviting you to share your story. It's letting you know you matter. Here's a really bad thing to do on a date. Think about what you want to say as he's talking. That's a really bad thing to do. Why? Because as he's speaking, what are you thinking about? Not what he's saying.

28:15 Not about what he's saying. If you're engaged in the date, I don't bad word. If you're present on the date You're authentically where the other person is. I'll share with you the worst date I ever had. Agavit was my wife. The worst date we had was a very bad dating series. It just happened to be that it worked out. I went out on a date with my wife, and it was a critical juncture. This is the one. Are we going? Are we not going? This was the date. It was a seven-hour date. It was the worst date I've ever been on. The entire time, I felt like she was absolutely not present. I was like, what is going on? I thought I was being such a gentleman. She needed to go somewhere. She didn't have a car. I drove her there. I waited outside. I couldn't figure out for the life of me what was wrong. I only found out a couple dates later.

29:02 I don't. I didn't know this about you girls. Some of my best friends are girls. I don't mean to be racist about it. I didn't know this about you girls, but apparently your shoes have to match what you're wearing. This has never been a problem for us. We've never thought about that once in our lives. So my wife was wearing a blue and brown dress. It was some sort of design, and she had two shoes that were exactly identical. One was blue and one was brown. She spent time because she thought it would be important to me, which I would never have noticed anyway. She spent time trying on both. First the browns, then the blues, then a brown and a blue together. To see. You already caught the end of the story. To see which one would look better. When she got into the car right away, she put her feet out, sitting in the front seat, and she goes, "I'm wearing a brown and a blue."

29:55 The whole date She spent. Covering one foot behind the other, so that I wouldn't notice. But of course, I would never notice because I'm a man. And why in the world would I notice what shoes you're wearing? This is the least important thing for me to notice. When I was engaged, my wife came outside one time. She came outside of the house and she didn't notice anything different. I'm like, no. She's like, I'm wearing a cheetle. I was like, very nice. That was on her face and I didn't notice. I don't know You know. Not trained to notice these things, just wanted to talk to her. There you go. Now we're Yotzah. It was a terrible date because she wasn't present. I remember we once had a Chinese woman who didn't speak any English in a hotel lobby where we were hanging out. We hung out in hotel lobbies all the time because I didn't want to take her axe throwing. And there was this Chinese lady who didn't speak any English kept talking to us. And I kept trying to help her, and my wife was like, "Could you just focus? Don't talk to her. Talk to me. You don't understand what she's talking about anyway." I just thought it was really funny to have a conversation with somebody where neither of us understood each other.

31:05 She did not think it was nearly as funny. Being present when somebody is speaking to you means giving them the space to be who they are and letting them know that whoever they are and however they are is welcome here. That is an exceptional gift that we give people. Here's the opposite of that. Be on your phone when somebody is talking to you. You know how people do this? I'm listening. You're not. And even if you are listening, even they go, I'll repeat back to you everything you said. But I don't talk to you so that you can repeat back data points to me. I'm talking to you because I'm looking for a sense of connection and belonging, and that's much more significant. There's that famous cartoon. Of a little child who's pulling on his mother's skirt as she's washing the dishes, and he says, "Mommy, listen to me." And she says, "I am listening to you." And he says, "Mommy, listen to me." And she says, "I am listening to you." And he says, "Mommy, listen to me with your eyes."

32:06 Because the real way of listening to somebody is not just that you can repeat back what they said, because it went into your ears, but it's a sense of presence. That's why people who love each other look at each other, and it's really uncomfortable if you're in a place where you have two people that are looking at each other, gazing into each other's eyes. It's a really uncomfortable thing because what they're saying is this space is where we belong. And I'll share with you that by far the most uncomfortable moment of my life By far I was sitting in my rebbe's kitchen in Borough Park. And in a very small kitchen. And my rebbe Kenai Nahari had many children, and his many children have had many children, and those children have had many children. And so they had a picture on their refrigerator of the family by a wedding. And it was every single child, grandchild, and great-grandchild. And it was a wide lens, fish angle picture.

32:57 And I turned to my rebbe and I said to my rebbe, "It looks more like a tribe or a clan than a family at this point. Just so many people." " And my rebbe said something from like,"Yeah, Baruch Hashem, " something like that. And the rabbitson looked at him. The rabbitson was a very famous marriage therapist, and she was very into relationships. He was a brisker. He was not very into relationships. He was very, very logical. But he married a woman who was exactly the opposite. And she looked at him and she said. They were in their 80s when this happened. She said, and all from a couple of kids that had no idea what they were doing. And there was this one moment where she just looked at him and smiled, and she said that, and he looked at her, and I wanted to kill myself because it was so deeply uncomfortable. Because who wants to see that?

33:44 That's something that's private between you guys, but I don't want to be a part of that. They say the real tzaddikim had this. They say Reb Nosson Sve Finkel. They say his wife used to say Chetavik of Rachov was the rosh yeshiva of Mir. And it would be a long time because he had Parkinson's disease. It would be a long time till he could go to give she'er and then till he came back from the she'er, and she would be waiting for him when he came back. And she would greet him. They say he had been gone for days, not for hours. And it was uncomfortable to be in the room with Reb Nosson Finkel and the Rosh Yeshiva at the same time, because the love between them was so palpable. They had spent a lifetime being humble in front of each other. Humility is the fertile ground for love. That's what it is. It creates the space for love to occur. And when that guy, who we were talking about, that guy who was really objectively good looking, but he's ugly because he opened his mouth. The reason why it's so ugly is because I can't imagine creating a relationship with you. There's so much of you present.

34:40 I don't even know where I would begin to make a space for myself. And we would wonder about a girl that did marry someone like that. What's with her own self-esteem? Where does she show up in the relationship? Where's her strength to be able to say I also deserve a place in this space in between? Is she firmly rooted? Does she have a strong sense of identity to be able to say Hinani? That's not a simple thing. Humility, on the other hand, also requires an exceptionally strong sense of self. It's also about being able to say, "These are my boundaries." This is what's acceptable to me and what's not acceptable to me. We live in a world that's become increasingly boundaryless. But you can figure it out for yourself what I mean. Nobody has to be anything today. Everybody could be whatever they want. There's no such thing as boundaries.

35:34 There's no such thing as boundaries. It's critical to a relationship that the relationship have a defined space where it can exist. There's a place where I can go and I can have the safety of knowing that you are not going to violate my boundaries, and that takes a strong sense of self. "I'm humble," so I don't want to know my strengths. If you are humble, you know your strength very well. If you're humble, you're deeply in touch with all aspects of yourself. Have you girls heard of my friend Rav Gav Friedman? Girls know Rav Gav. Did he come here yet this year? No. I'm sure he will at some point. Did I just make your life very hard? It's okay. I can help if you'd like. I remember Rav Gav one time got up in Mevaseret and he gave a shiur, and he pulled out. He started the shiur by just pulling out his guitar. He starts playing his guitar, and he's an excellent guitar player. He starts really jamming, and he starts playing guitar behind his head. After like five minutes of this, the guys are obviously really into it because that's not generally the way Sheer starts, and also because it was awesome. He says to the guys, "It's very possible that I'm the best guitar player in the room."

36:53 And the guys are like, 'Yeah, that was pretty awesome.' He goes, 'No, I'm not lying to you.' I'm probably the best guitar player in the room. I'd definitely say so. I'm definitely the best guitar player in the room, and all the guys are like, He's like, "I'm also very humble" And the guys are like "That doesn't sound like humility." He's like, "Why is it arrogant for me to say this is something I'm really good at? I'm not saying that I became like this because I developed my own talent. I was given this as a God-given talent. But yes, I am aware that I'm really good at playing guitar. Now it's not comfortable. It's not modest, perhaps. To say it out loud." But it's not humble to say, 'Yeah, I really stink at guitar.' You say this all the time with guys. They go, 'You good at ball?'

37:41 I'd like to think so And then some guy goes, "He's the best player in camp," right? He's the best player in yeshiva, right? That's modest, but humble means knowing, "Yeah, you're exceptionally capable." That's humility. It gives you the space to be able to show up to life. And unfortunately, so many of us don't have the humility to be able to say, 'This is who I am.' This is what it looks like to be in a relationship with me. And if you're too far on either end of the spectrum, too arrogant, there's no space. Too humble, you're not present. You follow? Too arrogant, there's no space. Too humble. You're not present. Who's the you in the relationship? If you allow yourself to be trampled on, who is he married to? The truth of the matter is that people are attracted to people that show up. That's where real attraction lies. If you show up and you say, 'Here I am. I'm strong' But I'm humble People go, "That's a person to contend with in life."

38:40 That's somebody who knows how to make things happen. Nobody wants to marry a weak person because life is chaotic and life requires us to be strong, and that's mission critical. Returning to our original questions. Eliyazir had a father. And you're not going to believe who it was. And I didn't know this until I did the research for this year this morning because it was a little late. Tagm Yonasan ben Uziel says that Eliyazir was the child of Nimrod. Never heard that before in my life. Unbelievable chiddush. Nimrod. Who was Nimrod? Who killed Nimrod? Who said it? There you go. You want to switch seats? It's very good. Sorry, I'm not replacing you. You can just come join. Nimrod was a god. Nimrod was the. Nimrod was the. Was the one who threw Avram Avinu in the kivshana esh. Nimrod was the greatest idolater in the world. Terach was a chief under Nimrod.

39:47 Could you imagine Eliezer joining the side of Avram Avinu? That means that in the greatest klipa in the world at that time, in the most tame place, Avraham Avinu's impact was so exceptional that he managed to extract that nitzotz, that spark from Nimrod. And he said, 'Come, I'll teach you what it likes, what it's like to serve Hashem.' And Eliezer listened, and he didn't just listen; he went all the way. He said, 'I am one hundred percent nullified before you.' Existence is arrogant. Existence, by its definition, says I exist, independent of anything else. This sh tender does not proclaim that there is a God that wills it into existence at every moment. It's just a sh tender. And when you look at it, you could treat it like a sh tender. It doesn't say anything about the Rebbe Nisholam. A Jew has to come along and say, "I'm going to use a sh tender l'shem Shamayim." We're humbling the sh tender. We're saying this sh tender, you have a source, you come from somewhere. That's what happens when a Jew does a mitzvah.

40:49 Avram Avinu went to the darkest place in the world, and he found the light. That was Eliezer, and he told Eliezer, "If you want to be a servant of Hashem, then you have to act as existence does. Your father proclaims himself to be a God, to be the ultimate existence. You have to humble yourself totally, absolutely, 100 percent. Your life has to be dedicated. There is no desire whatsoever of your own." Da'ala umashke. Whatever I'm teaching, you gotta say it. If that's what it's gonna take for you to become a godly person. And when we go out to war, you're my soldier. You're my everything. And if I have a mission for you to complete, even if it's the most sacred of missions, you have to humble yourself 100%. And you have to say, even if I have my own ritziness, I'm gonna give it over to you.

41:41 And think about how beautiful that is. That somebody says it's not about me. I'll share with you a story. It's not a proud moment in my life. I was learning in Kylo And my cousins made a bris, and the bris was in Crown Heights. My cousins are Chabad. And my family—almost everybody in my family—is not religious, is not observant. I have one cousin that became Chabad. My mother became from, and her sister became from, but nobody else became from. In fact, many married Gentiles. So there's only a couple of observant Jews in my family. Many are traditional. Some are less so. But it's been an interesting journey. Rabbi Gordon, zechut tzadik levracha, was a famous Chabad shliach. Was the one that impacted my family. Rabbi Gordon was at the Bris, and I wanted to give nachas to Rabbi Gordon. So I went over to Rabbi Gordon and I said to him, 'Rabbi Gordon, shalom aleichem. It's Mordechai Berg. I'm Paula's son.' And he says, 'Oh, it's very nice to meet you.' And I figure, I'm giving him real nachas, right? Like he dedicated his life to trying to bring people closer to Hashem. He made my mother an observant Jew, and I'm the child, and I'm learning in Kylo. And he says to me, Mordechai, 'What are you up to in your life?' And I said, 'Rabbi, I'm learning in Kylo.'

43:01 And a look of disappointment came over his face, and he walked away. I was shocked because I had been used to rabbis walking away from me in high school with a disappointed look on their face. But I didn't know that somebody would be disappointed because I was dedicating my life to learning Torah, and I went over to my mother and I said, 'Mom, I think I just really upset Rabbi Gordon.' She said, 'Why would you do?' And you know, maybe a little bit, so you could understand. My mother had reason to be concerned that I would say something exceptionally inappropriate. I was like, "No, he just asked me what I'm doing, and I said I'm in Kylo, and all of a sudden he got disappointed and walked away." And my mother smiled and she said, "Well, he's probably disappointed that you're in Kylo." I'm like, "Why?" And she said, 'He probably wants to know what you're doing for the Jewish people. You didn't answer, "I'm learning in Kyllo so that I could go out into Chinuch."

43:48 'You just said, 'I'm learning for the sake of learning.' Is that for you or is that for Hashem?' And that's some fire mussar to hear from your mom, by the way. It was like a tortured feeling that I had, because on the one hand, I was really dedicating myself to learning Torah, and on the other hand, somebody just told me I was being selfish. And I really had to do a hard look inside. And I discovered? I was being selfish. I was. I kept thinking about my learning. I wasn't thinking about what Hashem wants. I wasn't thinking about the other. And it was a major shift in my life. Baruch Hashem, I learned very well in Kol and I continued in Kollel after that, but with a different mindset. It's what am I going to do for the Jewish people? It's not something we talk about today. Today we talk about your year in Israel is your year to be selfish. Chas v'shalom. How could words like that come out of our mouths? That's a terrible message. It's not your year to be selfish. It's your year to be self-reflective.

44:48 It's your year to be focused inwardly to determine who you want to be so that you can build a brighter future. It's not a selfish year. How could we use those words? Whose reason do you have? Your reason or Hashem's reason? That was the dilemma in front of Eliezer. He had a daughter. She was perfect. She was great. Put your rotz aside. Do something for somebody else. Truly humble people can do that. What about my rotz? Truly humble people are able to go. There's a rotz that's greater than my own. It's time to wake up for shachris, but it's so cold on the floors of Yerushalayim in the morning. But it's time to wake up for shachris. I don't really like the learning. I understand, but the Rav Nachshon is telling you things about himself. Can you open your heart with humility to listen to somebody else? I don't want to be Shomer Negia. I understand, but there's halachos involved over here.

45:42 Of course, we should understand why. There's a humility to saying I'm participating in this relationship. It's an adult, mature way of looking at the world. Today, what about my rotzon? Your rotzon is beautiful. But your rutzon should be aligned with a rutzon that's greater than yours, and we don't spend nearly enough time talking about that. Because we feel like we have to pander to people, because we say otherwise they're going to go off the derech, and it's not true. People are inspired by knowing that there's a mission that's greater than themselves that they can be a part of. This was the nesayon of Eliezer So Avram Avinu said, "Make a shvua. You can't trust yourself. Make a shvua. It's got to be real. And of course, it makes sense that if Avraham Avinu wants to make a shidduch, you make a shidduch using the tool of humility. It couldn't have been Avraham Avinu.

46:35 Avraham Avinu uses Eliyazir, and he says the way to create a shidduch, a relationship between two people, is through the instrumentation of humility. Humility is attractive. But Avraham Avinu has another message for Eliyazir also, and it's a message that's equally critical to us. Eliyazar, because you are the child of Nimrod Because in order to fulfill your tafkid in this world, you needed to humble yourself absolutely. There's not enough zikch in Yiddish. There's not enough you to be present in a relationship. Humility is the ground where the relationship can be born, but it's love that actually builds the relationship that brings two people together. When somebody is so nullified before another, there's nothing left of themselves. That's who Eliezer was. So Avram Avinu says to him, "Your arur." Arur wasn't saying you're a bad person. He was saying your mission in life, because of where you come from, was to humble yourself absolutely.

47:37 But because you've humbled yourself so absolutely, there's nobody present now for my son to be in a relationship with. That's the message your daughter learned. We need a different type of person—someone who's capable, someone who's present, someone who can show up to the relationship and say hinei. And that was Rivka. And sheysham bein ha'choichim. She's a rose among the thorns. Her father is besul and her brothers love on, and it's not a great shidduch resume. But you know what she was able to do in her life? She was able to stand up and say, "I am my own person, despite my surroundings." That's a person who you can participate in the relationship with. Eliezer is the ground. Rivka is the person. We all need to be Eliezer's in our life. Our job as Jews is to bridge the gap between Shomayim and Arutz. We enter into relationships because we're trying to bridge the gap between two people that are fundamentally different. If you want to know how you know that Hashem has a sense of humor, it's because He told us to get married.

48:40 I'll share with you. This is a true story. I teach in a different seminary. And I said to the girls. What happens if your husband comes home and he says "I need some space. I just need half an hour to regroup." And one of the girls said out loud That's not okay. He can have space on his own time. " And I was like Oh, your poor husband. I'm davening for him already now. I don't know what's gonna happen, but it ain't gonna be pretty. And she was like, 'What do you mean he should want to be with me?' And it was like almost like a desperation. And I unpacked it with her. I was like, 'What's coming up right now?' " And she's like "She's like, I just feel." And that's how I knew I was in a seminary. She's like, "I just feel like his need to be in the cave." Because I was describing that men like to go into caves and like pull back. She's like, "That's not okay in a relationship." I was like, "But it is okay." She's like, why is that okay? I'm like, because people are allowed to take space for themselves, and she couldn't get it.

49:46 And she was like, but doesn't he want to talk things through? I'm like, no Of course he doesn't want to talk things through. Have you met any men before in your life? Since when does a guy go, I want to talk. Can I tell you something that you're gonna do on a date? A guy is gonna say something to you on a date. And you're gonna come back to your apartment and you're gonna go, I don't know exactly what he meant by that. I don't know if it meant he was happy in the relationship, or he was still unsure in the relationship, or was really into the relationship. And you're going to sit with your friends and you're going to unpack it for hours. And you're like, I think this is what he meant, but I'm not 100% sure. And then you finally on the next date you're going to get out the cards. Do you remember you said that thing? And the guy's going to go, No. What thing? You said that line. He's like, Oh. She says, What do you mean by that? He says, I don't know.

50:32 A guy comes back to his apartment after a date. His friend says, 'How'd it go?' He's like, 'Yeah, pretty good.' That's the whole conversation. There's nothing left to talk about. Girls are having hours and hours of conversation. It is amazing how Hashem said, 'Let's take these two different species.' I know you think we're the same species. We are not. Let's say I'm going to take these two different species and tell him, 'V'ha'yul ba'sarecha.' Let's see what happens. I believe Hashem and Shamayim are having an amazing time. I believe he's sitting there going, "That is awesome. Check it out. Look at that gubble." He's just laughing, and all of them are laughing up there. And especially when older people see younger people on dates, we're like I walk through hotel lobbies sometimes. Like if I'm going to the Ramada for a meeting, I see all those kids in the hotel lobby. I'm just going, oh boy, you guys are so cute right now. Just keep it up, man, forever. Just enjoy that innocence right now. Because one day you guys are going to live together and you're going to see how in the world? I don't know why it bothers women that socks are on the floor.

51:27 Why is that such a big deal? Can't you pick up your socks? Apparently not. It's been 20 years. They're going down there anyway. Let's just leave them there. I don't like to have to pick them up, so don't. I've managed all these years with socks on the floor. I think I can continue to manage. And women will come to me and she'll go, 'I don't know how he survived this long.' It's funny. It's two different species. It's Shamayim and Aretz. And we all need to be Eliezer's in our life. We need to figure out how to put things together. Not just between husbands and wives, between parents and children. In the Jewish community, the fractures that have torn apart our community As we see in an increasingly godless world Bridging the gap between Shamayim and Aretz means reintroducing Hashem into this world. It takes an Elyeser to bridge the gap between Shamayim and Aretz. So there's a dimension of us that must humble ourselves and say, Hashem. You created me. I am yours. Tell me what you want to do. And then we also have to be like Yitzchak and Rivka. Enough of a presence to show up and say, "Hey."