Chayei Sarah - Letting Go Of Who You Were To Discover Who You Truly Are

2:44 We grow up with certain friends and influences. In a certain way, it's very difficult to discover the truth of who you are. Because it's very hard to parse out who I am from everybody else. Does that make sense? Especially when you're younger in life Our identity is so wrapped up in being socially acceptable that it's very difficult to know where I end and where somebody else begins. The Katskareba famously said, and I know these words might sound a little bit foreign to you at first, but if you listen to them, it'll help. The Katskur Rebbe said,"If I am I, because you are you. Did somebody just say this to you? We didn't. If I am I, because you are you, and you are you because I am I, then I am not I. Yes. Yes. I'm not me. I'm just the version of me that's socially acceptable to people right now.

4:02 There's a there's a day Everyone. When you become parents yourself, you'll see this. It's a tragic day. But there's a day when you'll watch your kids trade in their authenticity for social acceptability. Can you repeat that? There's a day every kid goes through where you watch your kid trade in their authenticity. For social acceptability. For example It happens to everybody. It happened to you. It happened to me. When you're a little girl For example, with my daughter. So my daughter now, who's 10 When she was five And even six, she loved unicorns. And as a father of a daughter who loves unicorns, what do you do? Because what all fathers want to do for their girls? Give them everything. I just want to make my girls happy. So my daughter's room. Became Unicorn Central And any gift that I could find with a unicorn on it—a unicorn wallet, she didn't have any money, a unicorn watch, unicorn stickers, unicorn coloring book, unicorn napsacks, unicorn hats—anything that had a horn on it. Anything that could possibly be a unicorn, I'm buying that for her, and it was very cool when you're four and you're five and you're six years old.

5:17 But then, when it comes to the first day of first grade, for those of you that can remember this, a very important thing is what knapsack you bring to first grade. Do you remember that? The knapsack that you brought at five and six is not a knapsack that you can bring at seven and eight. It's a rite of passage here in Israel. What knapsack you get the wheelie knapsack with like the thing that you hold until it breaks. And what knapsack you get is very important. And so my daughter specifically said to me, 'Abba, we're not getting a unicorn knapsack.' I said, 'Why not?' She goes, 'Unicorns are for babies.' I said, 'But you love unicorns.' She goes, 'Yeah, but I'm not a baby.' And it's a very painful day as a father because you're watching someone who loves something not allow themselves to love it. Because other kids will make fun of you because you're the kid that has the unicorn nap sack.

6:06 She only loved it because everyone else loved it. And in a chenami, I'm not here to parse out exactly what's authentic and not authentic. I think that's a fair question. I'm just making a very simple statement. Let's assume for a moment that she loved unicorns because she loved unicorns, and let's assume for a moment that at first grade she can't love unicorns anymore. Not because she doesn't, but because other kids will make fun of her. So then I am I because you are you. And you are you because I am I because it's this whole vicious cycle of everybody doing what everybody else does. So one person starts this cascade of being the first adopter for the thing that we're now all doing, and then everybody has to follow that. I remember, for example, in the 90s, this might sound funny to you, but I remember in the 90s these two new companies came out, Skechers and Vans.

6:54 Nobody had Skechers and Vans before that; they didn't exist. And then it was like the first kid in school that wore Skechers, and he's like the early adopter, right? And before long, it's like okay, the first kid that did it, now it's the ten kids that do it, right? And within a very short amount of time, every kid is wearing Skechers or Vans, and it's like every Jewish kid growing up in the five towns, all of a sudden is like a grunge rock, like from Seattle, like everyone's that was like that very cool like tuffa in the 90s, like 1995. That's what I mean. That's what everyone was into. All of a sudden, every kid who grew up with a massive amount of money is all of a sudden skateboarding. Like as if we didn't have anything in our lives. Why do we do that? Because I don't want to be the guy or the girl that's left out of this vicious cycle. I don't want to be left on the outskirts of this.

7:42 And it's easy to talk about when it comes to style, but it's much more difficult when it comes to group think. Because it's one thing to say I'm going to wear what everybody else wears. It's one thing to trade in your knapsack. That's not a major trade. But what happens when you say I have to think in a particular way because of where I am? I have to trade what makes me uniquely me to be socially acceptable to others. That is no small trade. In fact, at some point, if you made that trade. Spoiler alert: everybody in this room, including myself, has made that trade at some point. You ever try something out? You ever say something that you don't 100% believe in, but you want to try out what it feels like to say it? I've definitely done that. At 16, 17 years old, maybe even older than that, I would say a thing that I didn't believe in just to feel how it felt. What are people's reactions going to be when I say it? Or even what's my own internal reaction as I say it?

8:44 At some point, if you get involved in groupthink It's very hard to figure out what you actually believe anymore. And this is a dangerous thing because Hakadosh Baruch Hu doesn't create doubles. Every one of us is meant to think uniquely. We were created with godly souls, and we're meant to engage the world with our own creativity. But creativity gets killed. When I can't handle the vulnerability of being excluded from my ideas or from my unique way of being in the world And by the way, that is 100% the price you'll pay for vulnerability. If you're truly you, there is no way around this. If you're truly you, at some point you will be rejected. And you have to have enough in the tank. Think back. Did you have enough in the tank when you were 14 and 15 years old to be able to do this? I don't know any 14 or 15 year old that was able to do this. Not in my time, for sure. I don't know any 14 or 15 year old kid that has enough self-esteem.

9:48 Enough of a sense of self-worth to be able to say, "I'm okay handling the rejection of my social peers" Because I'm going to be true to my own self And I'm going to be my own creative self. Not just to be clear. Not in a non-reactive way. Some people think they're being unique and creative, but they're really only reacting to something else. And now they're like, 'No, I'm my unique and creative self.' No, you're not unique and creative if you're only being unique and creative because you're reacting to something. Uniqueness, true creativity, true authenticity is not a reaction to anything. It's just simply you. And that is a very hard thing to come in contact with. So At some point in your life. You have to stop and ask yourself Am I willing to pay this price anymore? Am I willing to pay the price of not being me?

10:40 So that I'll be socially acceptable to others? By the way, people do this all the time. Imagine you're dating someone. Right? The first thing that you're doing on a date, which is understandable, the first thing you're doing on a date is you're like You're basically asking the question, at what point will he reject me? At what point is too much? At what point am I too much? I don't want to say the thing that's really me. I don't want to feel the thing that's really me. People say this all the time. People come to a date and then they'll call up a rebbe afterwards and go, 'Am I allowed to say to him that I'm feeling this?' I'm like, 'What happens if you don't say it?' Then you're showing him a version of yourself that he could potentially marry. That's not authentically you. But everyone puts on a scene. That's right. Everyone does it because there's, and we're going to get to this in a moment. Do we have to fit into? One sec. There's everybody does this because of the vulnerability trust paradox. It's not appropriate to show up to life and just say, "Here I am, this is me, and all of my glory." Not everybody gets to see your uniqueness. Not everybody gets to see your creativity.

11:43 And they don't deserve to see it. So we might show up in the beginning of a relationship, and we might say, 'Here's some of me,' and the sum of me that I'm showing is really me, but you're not ready to see all of me. And then what we do, and this is what I wanted to parse out in today's she'er, is we test the water. So you ever do this where you like have a conversation and you might not even realize consciously that this is what you're doing but did you ever have a conversation with somebody And you've said something a little bit vulnerable, and then they responded well. So then you were a little bit more vulnerable And then they responded well, so you were a little more vulnerable, and then at some point in the relationship you just went all in. Why'd you go all in? Because intuitively you said, This is a place where I can be myself.

12:32 Vulnerability means, for just a moment, that I'm willing to show you who I truly am. Here's the way I think about something, or here's the way I feel about something, or this is what this experience was like for me. See, as long as our identity is wrapped up in groupthink, as long as I'm worried about social acceptability more than I am about my own authenticity. Then it's going to be very hard for me to share with you who I am because I don't even know who I am. Now How far does this go? Don't I have to be a part of a society? Of course you do. But I've never met somebody who's truly unique, if they're really in self, who can't be part of a society. Because one of the core features of being in self is that it actually makes you more lovable, not less.

13:20 For example, just give me a moment. Do you realize that when you're in self, when you're in contact with your godly soul That's the that's the nuclear reactor of love and connection. You probably notice this even about yourself: when you're okay, people tend to be okay around you, and when you're not, people tend not to be okay around you. That's not some magical spirit thing. That's not like you put that out there in the world and then it manifested. No, we are actually nuclear reactors of love and connection, and when we are in self and deeply connected to that. We're a place where people feel safe. We're a place where people feel there's connectivity. What's interesting is that if being in self takes you out of a society, then you're either not in a healthy society, or you're not really in self. But real people want to be around real people, and real people want to hear people that think about things in a new way because it makes them think about things in a new way. Isn't that what Chazal say? Ezul chacham halomid mikol adam.

14:22 The problem is not that I don't think about things in a new way. The problem is I've never allowed myself to be a person that's willing to uproot what I deeply believe in. In order to have the. I'm not a person who's willing to uproot myself from a place of what I've been led to believe. I need to uproot myself from that so I can discover what I truly believe. And that is no small task. But if you think about it in the Torah, isn't that what always happens? For example, like Avram Avinu, the first thing he's ever told by God is Lech Lecha, Me'Arzachah, Mimoladetachah, Mibe'ezavicha, Ale Arzach Shere Eka. For God to show Avram Eretz Yisrael, what does he need to do? He needs to leave those preconceived notions behind. You can't be on a journey for truth if you already know what the truth is.

15:17 The famous line from Rav Nachum Weinberg, the founding Rosh Yeshiva of Eishat Torah He said, "You can't be a Republican or a Democrat looking for truth" Because then you've already decided you're a Republican or a Democrat. If you're looking for truth, you know what you are. You're a blank canvas. Do you think it's an accident that Moshe Rabbeinu discovers Hashem by the burning bush? Where was he? Where was he at that time? He was away from everything and everyone. Moshe Rabbeinu was a fascinating test case. On the one hand, he's the child of Yochvev and Amram; he's the younger brother of Miriam and Aaron and Cohen. On the other hand, he's growing up in the house of Paro. The influences of Moshe Rabbeinu were very deep. He was well aware of his Jewish family. Even after he went to the house of Paro, he was nursed by his own mother.

16:09 And yet he was also an Egyptian. It's described that way in the Torah. He's called Ish Mitzri. So who is Avram Avinu? Where does Avram Avinu discover himself? What's the answer? In neither of those places. Where does he discover God? By himself at a burning bush. And Moshe Avram Avinu had it when he left from his father's house. Moshe Avinu has the same thing. Where does Klal Yisrael receive the Torah? Not in Eretz Yisrael, and not in Mitzrayim. Where do we receive the Torah? In the middle of the desert at Har Sinai. It's after Yitzys mitzrayim. They already crossed over the yamzach. But it's a fascinating thing. Where does revelation always occur? Revelation always occurs when you're what? When you're away. What's revelation? Revelation means to reveal something. How about what if the way you express yourself and the way you dress and the way you act happens to fit in, it's not necessary.

17:17 The way I dress and those clothes and the shoes, I happen to be a trend, but I like it that way. So I'll be honest with you. I specifically am not talking about dress, and I'll tell you why. Dress is a very low level of expression. Maybe the lowest. And as you get older in life. And it's a wonderful thing to feel like I'm wearing something that makes me feel good and that allows me to come in contact with the world. But as you get older, what you'll realize is Dress gives me an opportunity to introduce myself. But it is not my introduction. And so It's a very subtle thing. For example, when you're younger, it's hard to be vulnerable. Dress is an easy way of putting myself out there. As you get older and you become a person who thinks about ideas and who feels deeply and acts in a creative way So then those things are much more real, and clothing becomes a very low level of expression. For example, I met somebody recently.

18:25 Seems to be a wonderful guy. And he recently married a very good friend of my daughter's, my daughter's best friend actually. And he's a poet. And I started asking about his poetry. Poetry, if you know anything about poetry, is born not just from Like a deep place of pain or a deep place of joy. Poetry is born from a deep sense of self. Or if you listen, have you ever listened to great music? Not like, I shouldn't say this is not nice. I don't mean to rip on anyone, but not TikTok like nonsense. I'm talking about really great music is always born of what? It's truly vulnerable, right? Really great music is always saying something that if you're listening carefully to the words and the melodies, then it's like. That's like serious business. If you're just listening to beats, then are we? And by the way, you're not moved from that music.

19:15 You can always tell if you're moved deeply by the music from the way you're physically moving when the music is played. Real deep music makes you close your eyes. Really shallow music just makes you like bop. If you're bopping, that's shallow music. Really, really deep music is played. With certain tones that are meant to evoke deep emotions because the thing that's being expressed is really serious. What about happy Jewish music? Happy music is also a very beautiful thing, and there's a difference between the happy clappy, like you know, very low level happy music and the joyful music that when you listen to tzaddikim who used to compose music. When they composed joyful music, it wasn't just like boppy. It really brings out joy. Let's say now most of the Jewish music. I don't mean like modern Jewish music. I mean like music like songs you sing on Sephardic.

20:13 It's again some of those songs are really beautiful, really beautiful songs. They make you like dance. But they don't make you bop. You know what I mean? They they'll make you they bring they bring you into a certain spirit. They don't make you do like you know like. There were very special people that composed very special music. Rabbi Dr. Abraham Jay Twersky. Ever hear of him? He was a very famous rabbi, a very famous psychologist. He was a very special person, and he started rehabs, and he was an amazing person. He composed a song that I'm sure everybody in this room knows. He had that song sung at his funeral. It's a Simchas Torah song. Hoshiyahu Samecha. But it's a very beautiful song, and it's not a kitschy song. And if you listen to the real music, you'll see it's something heartfelt. It's super vulnerable. So what I mean to say, just to get back to your question, is low level vulnerability doesn't require you to leave your comfort zone. It doesn't require you to think new about things.

21:16 And there's always this thing, every couple of years we see these trends. At least I see it in yeshiva, of the way boys' hair is styled. The way you know what I'm talking about. So for example, I don't know if you remember a couple of years ago when all the boys were just spiking their hair in the front, and then they would say I just woke up this way. I'd be like I've been waking up for 44 years and I never woke up that way, right? And now it's the thing where you have like the yamaka but like the giant poof. You know what I'm talking about? You know that thing? And they're like no, what do you mean? I just like it this way. Sure. It just happens to be that you all just like it this way. I'm not roasting it. I'm just trying to say it's a very It's very shallow. If somebody told me my identity is being expressed by the position of my yarmulke and the poof of my hair I would feel badly that they don't have the courage to be in self and to actually say something meaningful and put something out there that's real in the world that they might be rejected for.

22:09 So you're saying the way a person speaks, and let's say there's a topic in conversation, how they react to that conversation, and how they bring up what they say—that's what you mean. That's much closer. That's much closer to real authenticity and real vulnerability. If we're in the middle of a conversation and somebody says, I'm not sure I think about it in the same way. In a very respectful way, they say, what if we talked about it from this angle? And now all of a sudden, if you notice in those conversations, you know what happens? You're very real. I'm going to say something. It might not be nice to say, but I believe it to be true. There's everyone who talks about the phones. You know the danger of the phones. There's a lot of things to talk about there, but the biggest danger of the phone is that I can trade the vulnerability of life by just going on my phone.

23:01 I don't have to show up to life. And by the way, now that I'm there, the algorithm of TikTok can tell me what I should be thinking or what I should be looking like or how I should be dancing or what the ASMR is like. I need to watch this. Chocolate being made with this music, right? We just get locked in. I don't have to do uncomfortable things. And a person who's looking to be himself But deeply attached to this pre-programmed way of thinking That's a cult. That's what a cult is. A cult is a way of saying think like this. The goal of this year is to tell you the exact opposite. I'm not telling you how to think. I don't want to tell you how to think. I would love to hear people's unique thoughts. It's very difficult to hear people's unique thoughts when all you hear is them regurgitating the things that they've heard in their life. They've never spent enough time to actually say, 'What do I think about that? What's my unique voice here?'

23:58 And you have a voice. I want to share this with you. It's super important. There's a friend of mine who's very, very successful financially, a very successful person in my neighborhood, and he's a baltuvay. He didn't come from a frum family. And he came to Israel. And he went on like one of these Arsa Meach trips, like they used to have these trips. And Rabbi Breidowitz, have you girls ever heard of Rabbi Breidowitz? Rabbi Breidowitz is an unbelievable person, very special and a genius. He was a professor of law for many years at the University of Maryland. He's currently one of the Rashi Yeshiva of Arsa Meach. He was the rabbi on this mission. And on this mission, the first thing he said to the boys is, "I'm so excited to be here with you." But I'm also so excited to learn from you. And it was such an important point in his journey because up until that point in his becoming journey.

24:52 You know what it was? It was rabbis telling him what to think. In Judaism, we believe this. And this guy had some life experience. He had gone through University of Virginia and he went through University of Miami law school. He had some experience, and he kept saying why isn't anybody interested in the way that I have to think about things? And when Rabbi Breidt said that to him, it was like a breath of fresh air. He's like, "Oh" You want to hear from me too? Because I also have a way of thinking about things. See, Rabbi Breidt is a special person, so he creates a space. I think that's part of what we need to do when we create a community: create a community where people have authentic, individualized voices that they could say, 'I have something to contribute here.' And intelligent people will listen. But it's hard to do that if you're plugged into something that's literally this cult of thinking.

25:39 It's hard to get off your phone. It's hard to get off your phone. It's addictive for a reason. It's easy to get out of the vulnerability of life, but then you never do. Do me a favor, just close the door in the back. It's very hard to learn to be in self if you never have to do the uncomfortable thing. It's really uncomfortable to say something not nice to someone's face. It's really uncomfortable to have a hard conversation. It is much easier to send it on a WhatsApp. And then you know what you don't have to do? See their face when that hard thing hits them right in the stomach. It used to be that people had to say a not nice thing. If you were going to be confrontational in a healthy way, you used to have to look at someone and go It's not okay for me the way that you're showing up right now to this relationship.

26:31 And then you saw their face and you had to make a decision: Is it worth it to say this or not? And it would be like if you said a not nice thing and it hurt someone, you'd go oh that's hard. Now you just WhatsApp it and you go that's delicious. It feels good to just say the thing without having to worry about any of the consequences. But you never did a hard thing, so you never learned what it was like to be vulnerable. So you never learned that you have enough in the tank to be your unique self. Isn't that sad? That's a tragedy. The thing that makes you unique is your. The neshama, like the godly part of you And how is everyone so unique if the godly part of you is all the same? Wouldn't an infinite God make an infinite amount of souls? So they're all different. They're all different and they're all the same. They're made of the same substance, but they're all unique. That's why the Gemara says that no two people have the same face.

27:23 That would be like saying, if I'm an artist, why don't I just make the same painting over and over again? If you're an artist, you can't make the same painting over and over again. Once you've made it once, you can't possibly produce it a second time. You have a need to make a second painting. The great masters made so many different types of paintings, and you only get an insight into them by looking at all the different paintings. And it's the same thing when it comes to Hashem. Hashem is an infinite painter, so every one of us is unique, and our insight into God only comes by seeing all the unique paintings that He's painted. With me? It's really hard. The typical Jewish community also very easily rejects people who are their authentic selves. So how do you navigate being in a community like that?

28:12 I think any time I hear a question about a community, my radar goes up because even though our community is so beautiful and we do so many things well. I think there are things that we could do a better job at. It's just easier to fit in. How are you supposed to be your authentic self if everyone around you is just? I really hear that. I really hear that, and I don't know if I have a great answer of how we can solve issues on a community level. But what I can say is this: we can solve them one person at a time. We can have today's shiur about showing up in that space of I'm allowing myself to be out of my comfort zone, and in that place, that's where my revelation happens. So I don't know if I can change the community. But we can have this conversation and maybe that helps us. But I think most people aren't willing to have that.

28:58 I hear that. Again, I'm not talking to most people. I'm just talking to a group of girls here in Bayramiri who are clearly very authentic people. So maybe we can do it one at a time. I don't know if I could change the community, but maybe one at a time. It's hard to implement that in your life. That's true. Because you're going to need to have a certain amount of courage. But it's not worth it sometimes. I know it feels that way. I know it feels like it's easier for me just to say and do the thing that everybody else is saying and doing, and not to go out of my comfort zone and not to think about what I'm uniquely feeling or saying. When it's possible that I'll be rejected. I'm just sharing with you as somebody who's lived a little bit longer than you. That my experience is not a trade-off worth making. I would want to, if I were my daughters, I would want to say If there's a conversation that's happening.

29:46 I would say pay very careful attention to what's being said because wisdom is old. Wisdom is passed down, and so looking to people that are older than us to give us guidance makes a lot of sense. But I want you to learn from them. I don't want you to just copy them. And learning when you learn from somebody means you take some of it in And you say that's what feels right to me. But then I also have something to say, right? And I'm listening to a lot of different people, and I'm developing my worldview. Slowly but surely, thank you. Over time. So it's not obvious that it's like you're right. It's probably an easier trade to just go. It's not worth it, so I'll just look like everybody else and say what everybody else says. Maybe those are not the people that What if it's your family? What if it's your community?

30:32 Like I said, these things are very complex. I'm not Chassid Shalom. I'm not minimizing in any way the very obvious pain that you're speaking to And I respect that pain tremendously. And it happens to be that we don't all grow up in the same communities or the same families, and some families are more open and some families are less open. I'm just telling you in your life. Your real people They'll love and appreciate you for who you are, the real ones. The less real ones, the ones who are living with their own fear, may have a harder time with it. So just to bring it back, I want to finish up this year. I know it's late. You girls are already rock stars for being up this late and for being able to pay attention. Let's go back to what Eliezer had to promise Avram Avinu. He said, Don't take them from Canaan. Don't take them from Canaan. What does Avram Avinu add in?

31:18 Asher Anochi Yoshev Bekirbo. Among whom I dwell. What does Avram Avinu mean? A girl who comes to my house needs to leave it all behind. She can't come from here. If she comes from here She didn't go through that process of self-discovery. She has to be willing to say, I'm leaving that space and I'm choosing to come to a different space. Because that choice is a really important part of being a mother in Klal Yisrael. This is a serious business. Avram is marrying off Yitzchak. This is not just going to be his wife. She's going to be a mother of Klal Yisrael. To be a Jewish mother is not just being a partner to a Jewish husband. A Jewish mother is on the same level, if not higher, than a Jewish husband. As much as Yitzchak is an Av, Rivka is an Ain. And all of that genetics goes into the makeup of our people.

32:10 And Avram Avinu is drawing from his own experience, lech lecha me'artz lecha milad lecha be'zavicha, to become Avram Avinu. I had to make a choice to leave one place and go to another. My son was born within the confines of that greatness, but what does he need? Someone who also made that choice to complement his greatness. And throughout history, it's always like this: the great ones are always the ones that are unique, and they make that choice. I'm going to leave that behind. Because I'm going to go to this. Greatness always requires a sacrifice. You always have to leave something to go to something new. There is no greatness, and it's by the way, it's even in business. You're in a business, the business is heading one way, and then you realize we've got to pivot in order to be great. Just think about it like Apple. Apple, were you girls You girls old enough to have iPods? Do you realize how large an industry an iPod like the iPod was?

33:03 They made a fortune selling iPods, and they realized it's brilliant that they realized this. IPods are going to go away because somebody's going to make a device that could do it all. So they had to kill their own business in order to make the next one, which is a huge risk. You're going to kill off this really successful iPod business to make the iPhone. And then you're going to kill off your computer business by making laptops. You're going to kill off your laptop business by making iPads. And you have to be willing always to leave one thing behind to achieve true greatness. Think about it like climbing a ladder. You have to be willing to leave one rung to go to the next. To be a Jewish mother, to be an aim in Klal Yisrael, means having the courage to embrace the vulnerability, to leave one thing so that you could be truly unique. Girls, have a beautiful Shabbos. Thank you so much.