Parshas Chayei Sarah - How Do I Know When I'm Ready To Get Married?

3:12 You got to get every nuance here. This shall they give, everyone who passes through the census. A half shekel of the sacred shekel. The shekel is twenty geras. A half shekel is a portion to Hashem. How many geras are in a half shekel? Twenty. One more time. You got to do the math here. It's not hard. This shall they give everyone who passes through the census a half shekel of the sacred shekel. So you're giving half. The shekel is twenty geras. Half shekel as a portion to Hashem. How many geras are in half shekel? Very good. So we see an interesting thing. Eliezer gives Eliezer gives to Rivka. What does the pasuk say? A beka. Yeah. He says the weight was a beca. Rashi says the beca was a remez to the maxis shekel beca al gololus. Everybody gave a beca. Everybody gave a half shekel.

4:39 Couple of questions. Question number one: Why here In the middle of the parsha of Sheduchim, when Eliezer is giving Rivka her gifts, do we have a remez to the chazi shekel that will one day be given in the Beis Hamikdash in the Mishkan? So far so good. Easy question. Question number two: What does the Torah say about the maxis shekel? The Torah tells us to give half a shekel. If you were the Torah writing the Torah and you wanted to tell us how much a chazi shekel is, what would you say? How many geras is it? Ten. What does the Torah say? Half of twenty. That's a weird way of saying that. If the Torah wanted to tell us the weight of something or the amount of something, the Torah should say what it is. You don't say this is the full, so you're giving half. That's half of that. That's not the way you would express that.

5:31 But you say asa rachasheva Ten after seven. If I wanted to add, if I said this is a thing, how much does it weigh? What would you tell me? If you took twice that and then halved it Does that make sense? No. That's what the Torah is doing here. So that's two questions. A third question: Why is he giving her this thing anyway? What's the value in giving her this thing? What's the point here? What's the point of these matanos? And what's the other gifts? The other gifts are the asaras adibros. And what does the pasuk say? It says u'shnetz mi the maladai. He gave her the two bracelets, asarazahav mishkalam. How much do they weigh? They weigh ten. What's that a reference to? It's a reference to the luchos and the asaras adibros. So not only are we talking about the machzas shekel here, we're also talking about the asaras adibros.

6:24 What's the connection? Those are the three questions for tonight. I want to ask you the following question now. This comes up a lot. Guys ask this, girls ask this, same exact way. It's one of the rare times that the guys and the girls ask this question the same exact way. How do I know when I'm ready to start dating? Guys ask it the same way girls ask it. How do I know when I'm ready to start dating? But this is the difference between the next part. The next part is the difference between guys and girls, and goes like this: When a guy asks the question, he says like this. I finished college. I'm financially independent. Am I ready to get married? And girls ask it like this. I'm in the middle of college or I just started college. I don't have a job and won't be able to have one for a while.

7:28 But I feel like I'm ready. What's the difference, and who's right? The guy The girl. There's a bias here. The guys are saying this. Part of the. Part of a marriage And this is a real part of a marriage, and one that shouldn't be ignored. We have to have the capacity to sustain ourselves. So it's nice that we want to play house together. Let's be brutally honest about it. Because especially in the beginning, before you've had kids, basically you're just kind of playing house. It's like you're dating, but you live in the same place. You don't go back to your dorm, he doesn't go back to his dorm. You just now you've chosen to live in an apartment together. So the guy is thinking, well, rent is going to cost me fifteen hundred dollars a month. Food is going to cost me six thousand dollars a year. Car insurance, health insurance. This is what a guy thinks about when he's thinking about I have to sustain a life.

8:33 What's the girl thinking about? The girl's not thinking about how to sustain the life. What's she thinking about? The life itself. He's focused on how to sustain the marriage. She's focused on the marriage. So the catch twenty two of the girl side of the equation is as follows. You can't be complete until you're married, and if you're incomplete, you can't get married. Makes sense. It makes no sense. It does. We knew from that one. It makes no sense. It's a paradox, but we'll explain. You can't get married until you're complete. And you can't be complete until you get married. Why is that? Let's play it out both ways. If you're complete, you'll see no reason to get married. You understand what I mean? If I have everything I need. Why would I ever marry somebody else? I have a friend who does not believe in the concept of marriage.

9:34 He's not an observant Jew. He's one of my closest friends in the world. He doesn't believe in marriage. I said, 'What do you mean you don't believe in marriage?' He goes, 'There's absolutely no reason to get married. Give me one good reason to get married.' Try it. Tax deduction. I don't need a tax deduction. I have plenty of money. Give me another reason. What was that? He's not an observant Jew, and by the way, he doesn't believe in having children. He sees no point in having children. Why would ever have children? Bad enough my parents had me. Now I have to live in this world. That you're not alone. Loneliness is a really bad reason to get married. By the way, Loneliness might be the worst reason to get married. Because if you think that person is going to solve your loneliness, you're dead wrong. That person is going to drive you crazy. Because you'll be pulling from him the entire time, saying, "I'm lonely. I'm lonely." And by the way, if you think I'm joking, it happens all the time. A guy goes out. He's in work for 10 hours a day. He comes home. He's exhausted. What does he want to do?

10:28 Guys like to have women around, but they don't necessarily want to spend time with them. So they come home and they're really appreciative that somebody made me dinner, but I don't want to sit and talk to you now because I'm exhausted. I just put in a 10-hour day. So you are lonely. And you want to hang out with me because you've been running around with the kids for the last couple of hours. But the last thing I want to do is spend time with people. Loneliness is a terrible reason to get married. The reason why this guy doesn't want to get married is because he has absolutely no need to get married. He's complete. He's good. Why should I get married? On the other hand If you're incomplete, you cannot get married. Because let's say for example, I'm incomplete. I need to be with someone. I'm lonely. I want to spend time with someone. But then, what are you doing the entire time? You're pulling from them.

11:16 And you know how it feels when someone pulls from you. You ever have a friend like that? You ever have a friend that you're in a relationship with that you really don't want to be in the relationship with anymore, but you can't get out of it? And now they call you and they want to talk to you, but the entire time you're on the phone, you're rolling your eyes. You put it on speakerphone. You're doing something else. And it feels how uncomfortable does it feel like when they're pulling at you and you feel like I need to get off of this conversation. I need to get out of this relationship. You know that feeling? If you go into a marriage and you're incomplete, what's going to happen? You're going to be pulling at the other person. Everybody does this. Everybody comes into a marriage with their unique personal wounds.

11:54 And they come to the marriage hoping that in the marriage it's going to be solved. The other person is going to finally see them. That's what they're looking for. So I had a case of a girl. This is a true story. A girl who, unfortunately, for whatever situation, had a family situation that was very complicated, and she didn't have a dorm to live in because she wasn't in Stern or Touro or one of those things. So she was boarding, but she couldn't really afford to board. So basically, she was getting married. She was dating with a sense of urgency because she just had to find a place to be. She found a place to be. She found someone who would marry her. Now she had a place to be. What was the only thing she didn't want? Him. You understand when you date from a place of I'm so desperate, I'm incomplete, I need you, then you're not in a relationship with that person.

12:40 There's a functionality that the relationship has that you're looking for. In this case, it was just a roof over her head. But let's make it more profound because this is a really important thing to study. It's called codependence. Let's say you're a person who was bullied as a child. So now you come into a marriage, and what are you thinking? What do you think to yourself? I'm finally going to have someone who's going to really see me And they're going to treat me with respect, and it's going to be loving and kind. But because you come into a marriage and you're seeing the world through the prism of this bullying, inevitably, what will you see in that marriage? Any time there's any friction, how are you going to interpret that friction? He's bullying you. So remember. There's no such thing as facts; they don't exist.

13:33 They don't exist. Everybody's walking around thinking, "I know the real story." Nobody knows the real story. All there is is this. This is the equation. You ready? Events Interpretation of the events What we establish to be facts And then ultimately the story that we tell. Those are the four stages. For example, an event happened. Let's say your husband said something to you, and let's say it was something that you didn't want to hear. Now an event occurred. What actually happened? That's now going to be interpreted. The guy says one thing happened, and the girl says something else happened. So now, what are they doing? They're each interpreting the event and establishing facts, then they tell stories. Here's how it looks. They both go to therapy. They go to therapy with a marriage therapist. And what does the marriage therapist say? He says, 'Tell me what happened.' They each tell the same exact story.

14:23 They tell the same exact facts, except what? Because the nuance, the tone, the tenor of the conversation is different. It's a totally different story. This is what it looks like. The guy says, 'I don't know what I did wrong. All I told her is, "This doesn't work for me when you do that," whatever that is, right?' And it's like every time I try to say something that it doesn't work for me and put up a healthy and appropriate boundary, she can't take it. She doesn't know what to do. She explodes and she goes nuts. And she's like, she's it's. I don't know how to live with her. I don't know how to just say something like this doesn't work for me in a very healthy and appropriate way without her exploding. What does the girl say? She goes, "He's abrasive. He's abusive. He's bullying. He's always obstinate." And he's putting up strong boundaries, and it's not really healthy. He's portraying it as healthy, but it's not really healthy. Each one of them are telling stories. What actually happened, girls?

15:14 I have no idea. You know why I have no idea? Because there's this amorphous event, and the event gets interpreted through the lens of our own inadequacies. Every single person does it. For example, I don't want to say. I'm just saying. Let's say it's a bad example. Let's say I'm going to use this example. Let's say there's a conflict between Shana Olaf and Shana Ben. I'm not saying. Let's just say. Let's say there's a conflict, and both stories are 100% true. Both stories are 100% true. Why? Because the Shana Alf girls say Shana Bed had a burglary last year, and we also want to have seats in the front, and that's totally a reasonable thing to say. I'm not saying this is a real case. I'm saying let's say it was a real case, and let's say the Shana Bed girls go. I thought we were being so sensitive. I don't understand what happened Girls. What happened? Nothing happened. There was an amorphous, undefined event.

16:00 And then I walk downstairs. And that was the worst year I've ever had in my life. Twelve years of teaching. But I'm also here interpreting the event. But it's just this amorphous event, and we're sure. How many people were sure in that room that night? How many people were sure that they knew what happened? How many people, when they told the story afterwards, said, 'I know absolutely what happened.' The truth of the matter is, we all saw it through our own lens. Every single one of us saw it through our own lens. And by the way, that lens is born very often out of inadequacy. That lens is born out of the trauma of childhood because childhood, by definition, is really rough. Don't raise your hands because the answer is probably ninety percent of you. Don't raise your hands. How many people here ever felt on some level, maybe not often, maybe not always, but on some level they were bullied? Don't raise your hands.

16:46 If you're like me And by the way, I've given this share a lot of times and had a lot of people raise their hands. I stopped doing it because I've had some bad episodes after having people raise their hands. If you're like me, then at some point in your life you were bullied. At some point in your life, you were treated inappropriately. At some point, you were pushed out of a friend group or a sibling group or whatever it was. At some point, you're like that, and you become hypersensitive to these things. So now you're incomplete in a certain sense, and you see your spouse, and you're like, "Yep" It's going to be great if only I could get that. Then it'll be amazing. Again, everybody here has parents with perfect shalom bayis. I'm not talking about you. Don't laugh. It's not nice to your parents, right? Everybody here has perfect shalom bayis. Nobody's ever had any conflict. There are people out there that didn't grow up in families like that. When those parents were growing up, what were they saying?

17:34 I'm not going to do like my parents. You know why? Because I'm going to have good shalom bayis. I won't make the same mistakes. And you're the product of that union. What's the pshat? The pshat is all All fights come from our interpretation. Which is born out of some level of incompletion And you can't get married like that. You can't get married by pulling from the other person. It's not a healthy thing. So what's the solution? It doesn't make any sense. What's the solution? If I get married and I'm incomplete, the marriage is going to be a disaster because I'm going to constantly be searching for completion from the other person. That person cannot give you completion. I know a marriage therapist who has a. This is his line that he tells to each spouse, like all the time. He's like, he or she cannot heal your childhood wounds.

18:26 That's his line. It's like his big line. You're looking for this person to heal your childhood wounds. They cannot do that for you. So what do you do? Complete. On the other hand, if you're complete, let's say you got to a stage where you are absolutely complete, you wouldn't need the other person. You'd be like, I'm fine. You have a problem. It's a big problem. And it goes to the core of how do I know when I'm ready to start dating? Because the guy says I'm ready to start dating. I can sustain a marriage. That's nice that you can sustain a marriage. But the question is, can you be married? The girls are talking about the marriage. They're saying, how do I know when I'm ready to get married? But that's actually a much more complicated question. Because if you're only asking, can you sustain marriage? Let's just do the math equation. Do you have forty thousand dollars a year? If you have forty thousand dollars a year, shalom aleichem, you can get married. The girls are asking a much more complex question: How do I know if I can get married?

19:18 Are you complete? I feel like I'm really complete. Then why in the world would you get married? You hear the problem? The solution is like this: It's a really, really easy solution if you can get there. There are two types of completion. One type of completion you'll never want to get married. The other type of completion you'll be. I'm gonna use a word here. I don't mean it the way it's gonna sound. You'll be desperate to get married. Not desperate in a bad way But it goes like this. What does the word need mean? We think of need as lack. So it goes as follows. I need a sandwich. Clearly not. But let's say Let's say I need a sandwich. Why do I need a sandwich? Because I have a lack. What's the lack? I'm hungry. Do I need a sandwich? I need a sandwich.

20:26 By that definition Is there such a thing as a perfect need? Can you need something perfectly? Or to put it a little bit differently, does God need you? See the problem with saying that God needs you. If you say that God needs you, what does that mean? He's lacking. But here's the flip side of that. And here's how it goes. Guy says to me "Why should I daven? It's not like God needs my tefillah." So what's the answer? What's the classic answer we all got growing up? God doesn't need you. It's for you. That's the worst possible answer you could give. And here's why. Ashamed of. Let's say you have mom. Good. That usually doesn't go well. I don't know why. Let's say you have a mom. She loves you. Awesome. Does your mom drink coffee? Does your mom drink tea? For the purposes of this story, your mom drinks tea. Very important. My mom is a coffee addict. She's like a slug in the morning until she has her coffee, and then you could see her slowly becoming animated. Like some people get their soul back when they say Modani. She gets her soul back after that coffee. Your mom loves you very much. She says, "Okay" What's your first name again? Ariel. She says, "I want you to do me a favor."

21:55 Every day at four o'clock, I want you to bring me my afternoon tea. You're a doting daughter. So what do you say? Yes. Your mother says, "Slow down. I need to tell you the halachos of bringing me this tea." I like a squeeze of fresh lemon in my tea. So you say, mom. Every day at four o'clock, I'm going to bring you a tea with fresh lemon. Your mother says, slow down. It's not so easy. We're real briskers here. There's a lot of halachos. I like sugar in my tea. Mom, I'll get you sugar. I like a packet of sugar this size, not bigger, not smaller. Mom, I'll give you one packet of sugar that size with a squeeze of lemon. Your mother says, you don't know how long I want you to keep the tea bag in there. She says, how long do you want me to keep the tea bag in there?

22:38 She says about five minutes before you bring it to me. Great, I like it hot but not too hot. What's good? I like it. The water was boiled, and then it's seven minutes after the boiling water is boiled. So you want me to boil the water seven minutes later. You want me to bring it to you. So if I'm bringing the water at four, I need to bring it. I need to start it at three fifty three, and then five minutes before I need to put it in. Squeeze a lemon, packet of sugar. So far so good. You got it. Good. Four o'clock comes first day. You're so excited to serve your mother. Three fifty three sharp. You got the water and the thing. Two minutes later, you have the tea bag in right. Squeeze a lemon, one packet of sugar. You bring it to your mother at four o'clock. You open the door. There's your mother sitting at her desk. You bring her because you love your mother so much. You put the tea down in front of her. Good daughter. Great daughter. Great daughter. Twenty years later, every single day Exactly at four o'clock, she brings her a tea. That's an amazing door. Twenty years she's been doing it. Twenty years she never missed a day except for Shabbos. Twenty years she did it. Unbelievable. Amazing.

23:40 Twenty years to the date And you come in at four o'clock and you put the tea down, and you walk out, and as you walk out you realize, I forgot the sugar. First time ever, because you're such a brisker. You managed to do it right every single time. You never messed up. It's the first time twenty years and you forgot the packet of sugar. You rush downstairs like a madwoman. You go and you get the packet of sugar. You run back up. It can't have been more than two minutes until you got that packet of sugar. You walk in and there you have a brother. There's your brother serving your mother a tea. And you realize that not once in 20 years have you ever seen your mother drink the tea. In fact, it occurs to you because you're exceptionally perceptive. It occurs to you in that moment.

24:27 That your brother has been bringing her a tea two minutes later every single day, and she drinks that tea. What does she do with yours? She pours it out. So as you're sitting there with that sugar packet in your hand, what are you saying? Why in the world would my mother do that to me? So with anger You look at your mother and you say to her, "Mom" Have I been bringing you a tea made perfectly to your specifications every single day for twenty years, and you've never been drinking it? And your mother looks at you and she says, "It was for you." I did it so you could serve me. Is there anybody that's satisfied with that? No. If you wouldn't say that about a person, why would you say that about God? Do you realize how wrong that is? You're saying that God is exceptionally abusive. God doesn't need your feelings. He just likes you to shackle.

25:18 It's like a good time, and Shumai was like, "Check that out! Look at that girl. She's really her makeup is all over that sitter." And she holds it. Why do you do this? It's beyond me. All girls like this. What is with the arm? What is your arm? You're gonna get tired. You're gonna throw it all out. You see the guys. Guys shuckle like they're in a workout session. It's like a full body workout. You just dated a girl. Her whole sitter was different colors. I could tell what she was really like because all the mascara had cried off on the sitter. I could tell which parts of Shmona's are really important there. You know. That's beautiful. It's exceptionally beautiful. It really was. I just had to break up with her for that reason. And I'm only partially joking. Oh my God! It's not my wife.

26:24 I married her. We would never say that about a person. We would never say that God sits there and He says, "I think it's hysterical when they mumble words that they don't know" And say them with kavanah Whatever that means. You would never say that about a person. Why would you say that about God? God doesn't need my tefillahs. They're for you. What does that mean? So here's a better way of saying. God doesn't need like human beings need because human beings' needs are pathetic. Because when a human being needs something, they never actually need that thing. They need the thing that comes before that thing. For example, I don't need a sandwich because I'm hungry. I need a sandwich because I don't want to die. And if I stop eating, I'm going to die. So do I need a sandwich or do I need to live? Need to live, right?

27:10 A human need is never about the thing. It's always about the thing that comes before the thing. I don't need the sandwich. I need to live. You get it? How it's a three-step process. I have a need. What's the need? A sandwich? No. The need is I need to live. The sandwich fulfills the need. So far, so good. A perfect need is like this. I don't need you to exist. My existence is fine. My existence is fine. But without you What is this all about? For example, everybody in this room, all of you. Everybody in this room, you're ruining my existence. You are, because this room would be awesome if none of you were here and I could have all of this space to myself. That would be amazing. All sorts of room for all sorts of activities. I do whatever I want. Or Everyone in this room I need you to be here Because what's this all about if you're not?

28:07 Can I be a rebbe without you? So do I need you? Or do I need you? I don't need you for existence. My existence is fine. Even if a girl walks out in the middle and my ego takes a little bit of a hit, I'll be right? By the way, that's true. Just so you know, something to think about. Like the person that gets them in front of you. I remember this very well from high school. My father told me this lesson many years ago. I used to fall asleep in class. And especially in the winter when it's cold outside and it's warm in the classroom. And I was well prepared. Guys, we get to have those big down jackets. And those two sleeves are functional pillows. That's what that is. So when I went shopping every year, my mother would say, "Let's go shopping for a new coat." I would pick out the biggest down jacket. My mother's like, "What are you buying?" Like I was a skinny kid, and I looked like a football player. And she's like, "Why are you buying that?" I'm like, "Because I get cold in school." No, because I want two giant pillows.

29:08 So my father, when he found out that I went to sleep in class, he's like, "I don't understand. How does that work? There's a rebbe in front of you." And he's like, 'And your head is down, and you're on your arms.' I said, 'With the hood pulled over.' So he's like "But that teacher is talking to you." I said, "No, they're not talking to me. They're talking to the class." And I remember my father looking at me like I was from the moon. Who's the class? You are the class. What do you mean? The class? It's not this. I had come up in my brilliance, in my analytical genius, I had come up with this notion of the abstract class. This is—it doesn't involve people. It's like an abstract class. He's not teaching me. He's teaching the class. Who was the class? The class was Danny Palatsky. That was the one kid paying attention. The one Russian kid who was three years older than us, who had moved to America and was sacrificing whatever little money he had to pay tuition. He was the one kid learning with the Rebbe. The rest of us were playing wiffle ball in the middle of.

30:06 Literally, this is a true story. The rest of us had a wiffle ball tournament in the middle of She'er while Danny Pulaski was learning with Roy Cinnamon. My father said, "What are you doing? That man came to teach you, and you're sleeping?" I said, "He's not teaching me." Now, if that Rebbe had real ego issues, he probably would have exploded on us, because the need would have been so intense that his existence would have fallen apart from what we were doing. This Rebbe was an exceptionally healthy person, so he never exploded on us. And yet, he really needed us. Because he can't be a rebbe without us. So he didn't need us in the sense that he was incomplete. He needed us because he was complete. You hear the difference? This is this nikuda is all of marriage. You need to be complete. And once you're complete, you'll truly need.

30:54 So it goes like this. Remember that little kid who used to say, "I don't need any friends." Why did she say, "I don't need any friends"? Because she just got into a fight, and what did she say? I don't need any friends. I don't care about any friends. Is that healthy to say I don't need friends? No. But a minute ago we just said that a need implies a lack. Not all needs imply a lack. So I'll ask you again: Does God need your tefillas? The answer is, of course, He does. Not because without your tefillas He is not okay But because He's perfect, because He's complete. He really needs that, not like our needs that are two steps away. Our needs are two steps away. I need a sandwich. Because I need to live. God actually needs the thing that he needs. There's nothing that he's lacking. So his real needs are for you.

31:42 You understand? So if somebody asks you, does God need your tefila? The answer is yes. But then they go, isn't that imperfect? You say no. That's perfect. Human needs are pathetic. Godly needs are perfect. Make sense? So here's the catch-22 of marriage: you can't get married if you're incomplete, because then the entire time you're going to be pulling from the other person and saying, 'Fill me up.' It is not their job to heal your childhood wounds. But if you're complete, you won't need. If you're complete, you'll truly need. It's perfect. It's like I'm ready to be a wife. I really want to give of myself. I'm there. Now what do I need? Without this other person, I can't be a wife. You understand the difference? This is the pain of the older singles community at 23. Ridiculous. You know what the pain is? I'm ready.

32:44 Why won't anyone marry me? That's the pain. The pain is not that people make this mistake. They think the pain is that they're watching all their friends get married. That's not the pain. Most people are, and I speak to a lot of girls like this. Most girls, they're fine. They're so happy for their friends. You know what the pain is? Why won't anyone choose me? I have all this to give. Why won't anyone look at me and say, "I'd like to be the beneficiary of you." " That's a beautiful thing to be. Does that make sense? So if that's the case. Then when we look at marriage, we have the opportunity to look at marriage in one of two ways: marriage is the union of two souls Or marriage is the reunion of two souls. What's the difference? If marriage is the union of two souls, then you're taking two things that have never been together before and seeing if it works, right?

33:40 Marriage is the reunion of two souls. Here's why: two complete halves now becoming one complete whole. It works because each side is complete, and now together they form completion. You wonder how this goes in math. One plus one equals one. That's the difference between relationships and math. In math, it's one plus one equals two. In relationships, it's one plus one equals one. If you're a half and he's a half, you can't be one. If you're one and he's one, then you could be one. One plus one equals one. If you are a half Then you can't be part of one. Why not? Because you'll be pulling from him the entire time to try to complete yourself. If he's a half and you're a half, you're going to each be pulling from each other constantly, and neither of you will be whole. Because he'll be trying to take from you, and you'll be trying to take from him.

34:33 You'll never get to a place where you're whole. You'll only ever be half, because he'll be draining from you, and you'll be draining from him. You're going to feel drained from him, so you're going to pull back, and he's going to be drained from you, so he's going to pull back. When you're one, when you're complete, and neither of you are trying to pull from the other, then you could actually be one. It's the difference between intimacy and closeness. Intimacy means truly becoming one. Closeness means getting close together. That's the difference between relationships before marriage and relationships after marriage. People tell me all the time, "I love that boy." No, you don't. You don't even know what that means. Now they get offended. Here's what you get offended. What are you talking about? I love him. I also said the same thing when I was in high school. I get that, and I was just as offended as the people that I offended right now. That's weird. I don't know who you are. It's usually I can tell. I get the one girl staring daggers at me, going, 'He doesn't know.'

35:23 Yes, I do. But why? Because you don't know what it is. You don't know what it means to love someone until you've dedicated your entire being. You don't know what it means to love someone until you've wanted to tear your hair out because of how much they hurt you. You stay with them. You stay loyal because that's amazing. It's an amazing thing to be a part of. You're committed to them. That's love. If you can leave just on a dime, that's not love. But I wouldn't. But you would. Because you're not locked in. That's why people get divorced. That's why people break engagements all the time. Intimacy means we're truly one. That's the goal. It's the reunion of two souls. That's why before you were born, there was a baskal that came out of Shamayim that said Ploni will marry Plonis. There were already two halves of a soul. Each one now has a job. Become complete. Get back together. Let's revisit the story. You're building the mishkan. Every single Jew needs to donate how much?

36:10 Half a shekel. What's half a shekel? Ten. Ten gerus, right? Why would the Torah say it like that? Half of twenty Because ten always means completion. Ten's like the maximum amount. But what do you need in order to be complete? You need to get to twenty. But if you're not ten and he's not ten, you can't get there. So the mishkan is a model for our relationship with God. God is saying, without you, my existence is perfect, but my other half is missing. That was the building. The mishkan was the most inspiring thing ever. Every Jew, could you imagine what it must have felt like knowing that this is what they were doing? They weren't just coming in and making a donation. They weren't just putting money in the pushka. Every single Jew came with their half shekel. I know what the feeling they had was.

36:58 I'm here. I'm in this relationship. I feel complete. Here's my whole tent. And together with the other ten, we built the mishkan. That was an amazing feeling. The first time we see it is here by Yitzchak and Rivka. Eliyzer gives her this nose ring. How much is it worth? It's a ma'asas shekel. He's telling her the same thing that will one day happen to your children and grandchildren in the future. The same feeling that they're going to have with God. The microcosm of your relationship with God is marriage. Healthy people who have a relationship with God want more than anything else in the world to get married. My friend who doesn't believe in God doesn't believe in marriage, and that makes sense. Because if you don't believe in God, why would you believe in marriage? Why would you ever believe in intimacy if you don't believe in oneness? Believing in God means believing in oneness. If you don't believe in God, then there's no reason to get married. You see how it works? Our relationship with God is the macro. The micro is our relationship with a person.

37:56 And not a friendship, a marriage. This is the lesson Eliyazr tells her. He says, "Here's your nose ring." It's two halves. Put it together. And then he tells her "Here's two cuffs." And what are those cuffs? Those are the Asaras Adibros. But listen carefully. What does it say? If you look at Rashi, what did Rashi say earlier? He says that the Asara Zav Mishkalam is the actual Ten Commandments. There's two parts: the actual body of the Luchos, and then the words. Another way of saying that is there's the body. And there's the soul. The words are the soul of the Luchos. By the way, that's why when Moshe Rabbeinu threw down the Luchos, and the letters were Porachos ba'avir? What happened first? The letters flew up in the air, and then Moshe dropped them. Like if your soul went out of your body, then your body dies. The soul of the luchos is the letters of the luchos.

38:51 So what's the message Eliezer is telling Rivka? Don't have a marriage that's just close. That would be body oriented. Have a marriage that's intimate, where you take body and soul and you fuse them together. That's where intimacy occurs. Intimacy cannot occur just on the level of the body. It has to occur on the level of the soul because only the soul can be one. I'll make a quick plug. I don't usually speak about this. People ask, 'Why should I be shomer negia?' Why should I be shomer negia? You have a lot of different answers. Go read the magic touch. You learn all the books. What are the answers? Because don't play with fire. Don't play with fire. The most powerful tool in the world is touch. Human touch is exceptionally powerful. Don't be sloppy with the most powerful tool in the world. That's the tool that has the capacity to create true intimacy. What happens if you start playing games with the tool that could create intimacy?

39:50 You could chase v'shalom and lose that opportunity. The body without the soul—that's just close. That's not intimate. The lesson that Eliezer was telling Rivka And the real story of the parsha of Shiduchim is. The goal of a relationship is intimacy. Intimacy requires completion. Completion requires need, not the need that's pathetic, like I need you because without you I can't have something, but a perfect need. I am one. You are one. Together we can become one. We can become intimate. Chaps.