Chayei Sarah - A Nose Ring and Two Bracelets - Codependent No More

2:46 We know that there's a halacha that all of the Jews donated a machzis hashkel. A half a shekel. A becca here when it says. Becha mishkalo means half a shekel. So this was kineged the machzus ha shekel. And then shneitz smidim, what are the two bracelets represented of? So Rashi says asara zahav mishkalim, the bracelets that weighed ten golden shekels. Remaz la asaras hadibros shabahen This is an allusion to the asaras hadibros. So you have the two bracelets, which are what the two luchos were. What were on the two luchos is the ten dibros, the ten sayings, the ten commandments that were on the two luchos. So we have two bracelets, that's the two luchos, and each one was worth ten gold shekel. That's kineged the asaras adibros. And the obvious question here on Rashi is it's a very beautiful remez, but what does that have to do with us? Whenever you have.

3:52 Like a detail in the Torah, whenever you have a small detail or something like that. Whenever you have a small, detailed thing in the Torah, and Rashi says, it's a remez to this random thing, you have to ask yourself what's the inner connection between this and that. So Eliezer is giving her a gift. He's giving Rivka a gift. Obviously, this gift is important. Comes along Rashi, remez lemachzus hashekel, remez laaseres adibros. Why are we talking about the machzus hashekel right now? The machzus hashekel was a kapara for the cheita egel. Why are we talking about the Asaras Adibros right now? You understand the question. So the Maral says a very beautiful answer, not the answer that we're going to go with, but worth mentioning. The Maral says that Rivka was such a balas chesed; she had just given all ten of his camels to drink, and we know that ten camels drink a tremendous amount. So clearly, she was a tremendous balas chesed. Now he gives her the machzitz hashekel, which is representative of the base hamikdash where a person brought a karban that's called avoda, and he also gives her the shnaitz medium; he gives her the two bracelets that's representative of Torah. So now all together she has Torah, avoda, and kamilos chasodim.

5:01 A beautiful pshat from Maral But still we're bothered. Why? Why is that critical? Why is that mission critical? The Torah needs to tell us there's an illusion. To the base on Mitzvah, there's an allusion to the Luchos. Still, to say there, I get it. I'll I'll Shloshu Dvarim Ma'olam Omei, but still, why this right now? We're still bothered by the question. Question number three. I lose you. Good. You lost me on question. Question number two was Even though Rashi says that the significance of the Golden nose ring is that it was the machzass hashekel, and even though Rashi says that the shnei tsmeidim were kenega the luchos, still, what does one have to do with the other? What's it got to do with shiduchim? One is Torah and the other is avoda, but still, what does it got to do with the shiduch? What's it got to do with shiduch?

5:56 Final question: This is Yerushalmi Beautiful Yerushalmi. The Yerushalmi says that when a kadosh baruch hu taught Moshe Rabbeinu about the machzass hashekel, listen what it says. It says that Hakadosh Baruch Hu took out a coin of fire from underneath the kiseh hakavod, whatever that means. We'll see what it means. And he showed it to Moshe, and he says, "This is what they should give." In other words, Moshe Rabbeinu didn't know what the ma'asas shekel was, so he comes, Hakadosh Baruch Hu shows him the ma'asas shekel is this coin of fire, and he takes it out from underneath the kiseh hakavod. So what's going on over here? Why did Moshe Rabbeinu not know what half a shekel looked like? He didn't know what fifty algorot looked like? Why does Moshe Rabbeinu need to be shown a coin of fire? Teshuvah says that Hashem showed Moshe the coin of fire, not because Moshe Rabbeinu didn't know what a maksas hashekel was, but because Moshe Rabbeinu had a question: How could it be that a Jew will do the chet ha'egel, the worst possible aveir that a person could do.

6:57 And be forgiven because they gave half a shekel? That doesn't seem to make any sense. Why would they be forgiven for that? I think sometimes we don't know what the cheta ego was. Imagine you're standing under the chuppah with your husband. There you go. Very delayed tonight. Clearly, you girls are not paying attention. There's two rules in seminary. One is you have to say amen, and the other is you have to say it at least once in every shir. You have to do both of those things, and then your yotzah. It's a tormer devor shir. Check. Let's say you're. We'll try it again. Let's say you're standing under your chuppah. Amen. Excellent. Every one of you will get married b'karav mamish. Amen. Now I see you guys are really getting into it after Shabbat. Because that's now all of a sudden catching. I don't know about that.

7:51 Too much learning. You guys are spacing out from me. Welcome back. What's the one thing? What's the one thing that you don't want under the chuppah? You say, "Look" Don't cheat on me. Don't cheat. It's you and me now forever. You walked around them seven times. It represents the complete circle. It's a beautiful thing. You're under a canopy. It's your buyit. Don't cheat on me. This is what happened by Ar Sinai. It was literally a chuppah. And Hakadosh Baruch Hu said, "Don't have any other gods before me." What did we do? Within Sheva Brachos. We made a chet ega. We made an ego. We made an ego Lazarov. That's a pretty wild thing to think about. It's no wonder that Hashem said to Moshe Rabbeinu Let's start over. These people, I don't want to be married to. Somehow, Moshe Rabbeinu was able to pull off that we were able to be forgiven.

8:50 But Hakadosh Baruch Hu comes along and says, "Fine. I'll forgive them." But mach's sa sheka Girls, play that back into your lives. Imagine chas v'shalom. That you were in a situation where within Sheva Brachos your husband cheated on you. Chas v'shalom, chas v'shalom, chas v'shalom. That's a new one to the checklist. There's Amein, chas v'shalom, and good. I didn't know about chas v'shalom. I mean I knew about it, but I didn't know about it. It's not common enough. And your husband comes and he begs forgiveness, and he gets down on one knee and he says to you, "I promise you, it'll never happen again. I don't understand what happened. It was a ruach stus that came into me. How could I have ever done such a thing?" And you look at him and you say "Fine, but I want half a shekel." The world is going on over here. Who's going to forgive their husband for half a shek?

9:38 That's at least a diamond ring. I'm saying it's going to go. It costs a lot of money when you make a mistake as a husband. I know this. Not Chassid home on that level. But I know that I've made bad mistakes, and I know the gifts that I've gotten for my wife. You could ask her when you see her. Ask her why she has a queen size bed. Jokes, right? I'm reliving my trauma with you as I say. That was a bad one. It costs you. It costs you a bit of money. I have a shag. Here, go get yourself a sandwich. When my. Of course, you do something wrong, you have to make amends. So Meir Shabenu's question was, how could a machsas hashakil? By the way, I can tell how well I'm doing because even the girls on their phone for a moment looked up. It was a beautiful thing to see. I just want to let you know. For the girls that think that I don't see the phones, it's not that I don't see. I see very well. I think people think Rebbeim are blind. If he's standing in the front, he can't possibly see me. The boys do this all the time. When they're sitting down, they put the phone on their lap and they go like this.

10:41 What's your best case scenario? What do you want me to think you're doing? Like you just. First of all, no, seriously. Like you're looking like this. You're like. It's a strange thing to think. So I can know the girls that right now know that I'm talking about them because they're the ones not making eye contact or half making eye contact. I just want you to know I see you as much as you don't think I do. And I'm sorry I'm saying this to everybody so I don't embarrass anybody. But I just want you to know that the people that are on their phones, I want you to know I'm talking to you. I'm looking all around, but the person I'm talking to knows exactly what I'm talking about. It's not just one person. There's a couple. But I just want you to know I see you. You see me. We all see each other. Baruch Hashem nobody's blind. Amen. This break is brought to you by It's 6:50 at night and my ADHD kicked in.

11:39 So what in the world is Hakadosh Baruch Hu showing Moshe Rabbeinu? Moshe Rabbeinu has a good kasha, half a shekel, and we get kapara. Hakadosh Baruch Hu pulls out a coin of fire from under the kisei akavod. This answers all of Moshe Rabbeinu's questions. What? How does that answer the question? And this machtes hashechel, this coin of fire, is the coin of fire that Eliezer gives to Rivka to make the shidduch. That's the machtes hashechel, the one that he says your golden nose ring. By the way, not an attractive look. Let's say again, I don't know what was back then, but I guess it was attractive back then. He's giving her this coin of fire, and he's saying this is mission critical to a marriage. This coin of fire is somehow there in a marriage. So I want to share with you an idea. I think it's a beautiful idea.

12:30 But I think it's a fundamental idea. There's a challenge that exists in every relationship, but it exists the most in marriage. And this is the challenge. I have a Talmud who I love dearly. He's an amazing guy. He's getting older. And I asked him In a nice way What's with Shaduchim? Are you dating? And he said How much? It's asar gmalim over here. How much am I supposed to bring? You're looking for a shiduch? I'm sorry. The correct response was, "Wow, what a balas chesed! I have a son for you. He's five and a half." The other way around. I'm sorry. You're swarthy. You're going the other way. There's a guy. He's 40 years old. He's right there. Lachaim to edutainment. The I thought about a career in stand-up comedy. I said, no, let me teach Torah. So I'll make the big bucks this way. The Rav God's got nothing on me.

13:45 Lachaim You can tell him I said that. So I asked this bachelor. I asked this bachelor. I was very distracted. I asked this bachelor. So what's with Shadokim? So he said, "I'll be honest with you. I'm very content." I want you to know. I hear it. I hear it." He's like I'm good. I have a fulfilling job. I have my friends. He's got an apartment. He doesn't have any roommates. He's good to go. So he's basically saying to me "Why should I get married?" I said, "If somebody came along, maybe one day. But right now, I'm a bachelor, not looking." So, of course, I wanted to help him unpack that. Naturally, a person has a desire to share their life with another. What's going on that you're so content? That's one side of the problem. One side of the problem is a person could become content.

14:54 And not want to get married. I'll share with you what this looks like. Sometimes you have older singles. And rightfully Rightfully they say I need to create a life for myself. I can't just sit around being single. It's like a state. I'm single. It's not a good thing. I want to have a job. I want to have a life. I want to do something with my life. Of course, that's the right thing to do. But it's possible for somebody to go out and become a teacher, and all of a sudden they get so invested in their students that all night long they're preparing classes, and they're on the phone with parents, and they're on the phone with their students. And then when somebody comes up for a date, they go, okay, but it's not going to work out. Maybe I could date you on Friday afternoon for two hours.

15:42 Really, what have they done? Because they're quote unquote so full in their life. Of course, it's not actually full, but because they're so full in their life, what might they do? What might they do? They might create such a life for themselves that they're totally content. They have no need to share their life with another. That's called being too whole. There's another side of this equation, the exact opposite side of the equation. It's called being too empty. Too empty means that you are going to pull from your partner. Too empty means you're not enough for yourself. I need you to validate me into existence And I want you to know that as much as I appreciate that we have to validate what people say A person who has a desperate need for validation is not doing a good thing in their relationship. Not everything needs to be validated. You can have some sense of validation from within, and we've created a little bit. Again, it's good that we swung the pendulum this way, but we have to come back to the middle.

16:49 It's not everybody's job to validate you. I know that sounds harsh. I know some people here are like, "Wait," but it's their job to validate me. No. You have to have an inner validation that you are enough for yourself. So that when you engage with somebody who has their own stuff and their own way of showing up, you're not desperately pulling on them to tell you you're okay in this relationship. And I want to share with you that it is deeply unattractive to be married to somebody or to be in a relationship with somebody that's not enough for themselves. And that's why people who show up terrified It's very hard for them to build a relationship. Because if somebody comes into your life and he says, "Hey, I'm here to potentially figure out if we can love each other," and the other person is going, "But I'm not enough for myself." Again, they don't say these words, right? But they say, "But I'm not enough for myself." So you constantly need to tell me that it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. A person might do that for a little bit of time.

17:52 But ultimately, nobody wants to be married to a loser. Nobody wants to be married to somebody that can't stand on their own two feet. It's annoying. It's like do your own thing. Be enough for yourself. If you're empty, you have nothing to share. If you're too full You don't want to share anything. You're too content. This is the problem of relationships. Do you understand what I'm saying? Does it make sense? In other words, just to make sure everybody has it clear, the first guy that I told you about, he's too content. He has everything he needs. Why should he get married? On the other side of the equation, there are people that don't have enough in their relationships. They're constantly pulling from the other person. And nobody. Because we're all doing our best to hold on in life. Nobody wants to have somebody constantly pulling on them and weighing them down.

18:41 People have to be capable of engaging life. What's the sweet spot? The sweet spot is this. And if you want to have a healthy relationship Pay attention. A healthy relationship means I am enough for myself, grounded and planted firmly in my own soil. I am okay. I am enough. And yet, I know something is missing. It's not missing because. I'm not without it. It's missing because I'm good And I want to share my life with somebody else. The way that I heard it from one of my rebbeim is he said as follows: When someone wants to get married, they can propose in one of three ways. Way number one is they get down on one knee and they say, 'Marry me. I cannot live without you.' Now that no don't do it yet. Because that may sound romantic, but it's actually terrible. You can't live without me.

19:40 That's codependent. I don't want to. I want someone who could live without me. The problem is, if a guy gets down on one knee and he looks at you and he says, "Marry me" I can live without you. That's not a good proposal. So what do you say? So this Rebbe said as follows: "Marry me." I can exist without you. But what type of life would that be? Very well done. Marry me. I can exist without you. That means my existence is fine. I'm full. I'm content. I have everything I need. I don't need you to make me exist. Girls, with me? Yes. You sure? Even the ones that I'm talking to right now that don't hear me? Those girls? Even now? Even still? Thanks. Welcome back. Don't explain. Marry me. I could exist without you, but what type of life would that be? I don't want to just be on my own. I have so much to share.

20:43 I want to be able to give it to somebody else. That's the sweet spot. So here's what that looks like. Alpi Kabbalah. This is what it looks like in Kabbalah. In Kabbalah, it says that before you were born You were one soul And that soul split into two. There was a male half and a female half. And now you have two. Listen carefully. Two full halves. There's a full male. There's a full female. And the job is v'ha'yul abasar echad. Find each other. That's the concept of bashert. So how do we know if we find our bashert? There's no way to know if you find your bashert. If you walk down the aisle, you found your bashert. Now go become one with them. But it's one full male, one full female that originally were one, and now they have to become one again. That's the goal.

21:35 Two full halves becoming one. If you think about what that means, it's really what we just said. I am full. I, as a male, you, as a female, we're both full. We don't need each other to exist. But because I'm full, I'm also lacking I want to find my other half. I'm a full half. I know it's paradoxical. I know it makes no sense, but it makes sense. You understand what I'm saying? If you know what I'm saying? That's a shout out for those who know what I'm talking about. That's a little bit of a wink, a little action, just to let you know. I know that you know that I know that you know. It's a little gift. It's a little gift. It's a full. Clicked. Good. Touched some sensitive areas. We've done a lot. We've done a lot of good things tonight. Baruch Hashem. Just want to push buttons.

22:25 If you didn't get it, you're not supposed to get it. It was just a little bit of a wink to those girls that are stuck. It's a full half. Does a full half make any sense? It makes no sense. It's a full half. A full half means I'm good. But I'm only half. I got to find my other half. Where else do we have that concept? Not only in marriage But we have that concept with Hashem. In fact, I would say that the only reason we have a concept of marriage in this world is because it mimics our relationship with Hashem. So Hashem says one of the biggest mitzvot you can do is find your other half. Why? Because that's exactly what we do with Hashem. Before we were born, where were we? We were in a place called Olam HaNesamos. We were with Hashem. Then Hashem sends us down into the world, and He says. Find the godliness in this world. In other words, we were one, now we're separated. Become one again. That's all of creation mimics shaduchim.

23:36 We were one, now we're separated. Let's become one again. It's called dvekas ba'ashem, cleaving to Hashem. You were one, then you were separated. Become one again. Same thing with shaduchim. You were one, then you were separated. Become one again. They mimic each other perfectly. Now we know. Why the Torah spends 67 psukim talking about shaduchim? I know the Shnayim Bet girls are upset. Everybody only talks about shaduchim. Why don't we have any other classes about anything else? There's a reason for that. It's not because we don't have anything else to say. It's because shaduchim are, and I know it's overdone, and I know it's too much, and I'm with you. I feel you. I validate all your pain. And yet This is the most important thing. This literally is the microcosm of our relationship with Hashem. And so the Torah spends 67 psukim not on the marriage. How many psukim does the Torah take to tell us about the marriage of Yitzchak and Rivka? One pasuk.

24:36 One pasuk. They got married. Boom, done. 67 psukim to talk about the shirach because the shirach is life. It's about finding Hashem in this world. It's about returning to your source. Everything in this world, even on a biological level, wants to return to its source. One of my talmidim said just the other day. He said, 'Rebbe, that's the water cycle. The water comes down, the water goes up, the water comes down, the water goes up.' A tree. You know why they have a lot of times in Eretz Yisrael you see trees get planted here? And then they put like the green things around them, and then they like tie them to the green things. They're called trellises. You know why they do that? Not only because chaotic Israeli kids will tear out trees. They also do it because if a tree. Does not have the trellises. It naturally grows towards the sun.

25:27 And so trees will actually grow crooked. Because everything wants to return to its source. Everything in this world demands to be whole. That's why everybody in this room Including myself Everybody in this room has the same pain point when it comes to their Judaism. It's the same pain point. Everybody has it all the time. Rabbi, I'm davening. I'm saying the words of the seder. But I don't feel Hashem in my life. I'm keeping kosher, but I don't feel Hashem in my life. Why is that a problem? Why is it a problem? The answer is because we don't want to just do activities. What are we looking for? We're looking for shleimus. We're looking for wholeness. We're looking to return to our source. And just doing the activity doesn't make us feel like we're returning to our source. A person could sit in Talmud Torah the entire year and learn a massive amount and not come any closer to Hashem.

26:22 It's possible to learn a massive amount of Torah, and you could be a scholar of Rashi. But will you actually know Torah? Will you actually know Hashem? That's the goal. What happened at Har Sinai, Hakadosh Baruch Hu came and he said, "I want to be in a relationship with you." I want to share with you who I am. So he gave us the Asarah Devarim And then we did the Egel Azov, the Chayta Egel. Who made the Egal Azav? Hakadosh Baruch Hu says, "Fine, I'll give you the antidote." Ready for the antidote? This is the antidote. It has to be a coin of fire. It can't just be that you flip fifty agurot. That's not what it is. It's a coin of fire, a machzis hashekel. You know what a machzis hashekel means? Machzis hashekel means I am half. "I am not whole without you." The reason why we were able to do the chait of the Egal Azov, the reason why we were able, so to speak, to cheat on Hashem, is because we said we're good, we're good. I don't need Hashem in my life. I'm good.

27:27 I have a relative who teaches tefillah in a seminary. And she told me that 20 years ago the tefillah shir, the girls were salivating for this tefillah shir. And then she noticed something changed. All of a sudden, the tefillah year wasn't going as well anymore. And she said, "What is it? What changed?" She realized it used to be that when you came to seminary for the year, whose money did you spend? You spend your money. I remember my parents said, "We'll pay tuition, but it's your spending money for the year." And my parents had money. Baruch Hashem, I grew up in Lawrence. It wasn't like we didn't have money. We had plenty of money, and my parents weren't cheap. They were sending. They were setting a lesson. They were saying, "Look, you're going away for the year." This part's on you, and so I worked all the summers in Simcha Day Camp, and I came, and all of a sudden You know Simcha Day Camp? That's what I did. That's what you did.

28:22 Good for you. There's something special about that, and I want you to know, all of a sudden, because I didn't have mommy and daddy's credit card, I was paying attention to how much money I spent. And all of a sudden, I'll tell you a terrible story. You want to hear a terrible story about me? I'll tell you a terrible story. In Mivaseret, 24 years ago, there was a kosher KFC, and it was delicious. And all the guys loved KFC. It was a group of very stark bachurim. I remember your uncle Akiva. I went to Shalvim for Shabbos. Shalvim had terrible food. He said, 'Please bring me KFC so I have food to eat for Shabbos.' At 11:30 at night, we would leave the base measures because we were super stark. Don't end the night seder at 10. Learn till 11:30. But what would we do at 11:30? Not all the time, but sometimes we would walk up the block. It's about a 10 minute walk. And we would walk in the back of the mall at around 11:40, 11:45 at night. They would throw out all the leftovers from KFC.

29:19 So a group of us from the five towns With money Would go to get the free KFC. Why is that a terrible story? Because there were also homeless people waiting online. So it was mevasserik guys and homeless people waiting online for free food. Not proud of this. But learned a tremendous lesson that year. Stuff costs money. And this relative of mine, she said You don't have to cry out to Hashem if you've got everything you need. If you have a piece of plastic that you could just tap on a thing, and all of a sudden you get free katzefet. Then you just think like, it just grows on trees, right? There's no gratitude. You should know. You think that it's a pain point for you. You have no idea the growth that you'll have because you're self-reliant. A person who relies on themselves knows naturally. We turn to Hashem. Hashem is what gives us everything. This teacher was saying these people are so full. They're so full. Why would they need to daven? Why would they want to daven? And she's right.

30:28 It's a terrible thing, but she's a hundred percent right. So Hakadosh Baruch Hu comes along and he says no. The avera requires a tshuva, a tikkun. The tikkun is not half a shek. The tikkun is know that you're only half That you're not full. You don't have everything without me. Life is not good without God. That's a tremendous thing. And what does that breed? When a person knows that they're missing something in their life, you know what they do? They're on fire. They get passionate. They're searching for the thing that they're missing. That's how people come alive. You know why people today don't want to serve Hashem with passion? Because they have everything they need. What? What would I? Why would I need God in my life? But the second they realize that it's not so passion. You need a God in your life. You see these people come alive. That's what I was missing. It's not just about saying the words of davening. It's about having Hashem in your life. Now all of a sudden you get passionate.

31:23 So Hakadosh Baruch Hu says the tikkun for the Chet Ha'egel is to know your hef. So comes along Eliezer and he says to Rivka, 'You're about to marry Yitzchak. You're going to be continuing the Jewish nation. This is critical.' You need to have a good marriage. You need to have shalom bayis in your marriage. And you will make mistakes, and there will be a lack of shalom bayis sometimes. Look at Rivka and Yitzchak's life. She literally lied to him, and she got Yaakov the bracha. As a result, one kid wanted to kill the other, not push at their marriage. Every marriage will have trials and tribulations. Every marriage will have bumps in the road. I know you think you're going to be different than your parents. And it's fine. Go ahead, believe that. But I want you to know when the bumps in the road hit Because they will Ask yourself this question: What would my life be like without this person?

32:19 When you start thinking, my wife has this great line. She says, "If you win an argument, congratulations. Now you're married to a loser." Nobody wants to be married to a loser. I don't, and frankly, you don't want to win either. Because that's a terrible feeling in a marriage. I want to be in a win-lose marriage. What do we want? When someone makes a mistake, they're forgivable. You know why they're forgivable? Because they have to say to you, "I'm so sorry." I lost sight of the fact that you're the most important thing in my life. I'm only half without you. A person needs to enter into a marriage with a golden nose ring that says you're half a shekel. You're half a shekel. That's the beginning. The beginning of a marriage is knowing that you're only half, and the other person is forgivable. But then there's another side of this. We'll call the Asaras Adibro side.

33:10 The Asaras Adibro side says if you want me to share my life with you, you need to be full. You can't be empty. You can't be schlepping on me. Hashem says, you know why I'm giving you the Aseret Hadibros that says Anochi is the first word, and Anochi we know what a Chazal say it stands for. Ananafshik Savis Yehavis. Hashem says, I'm giving you me. I wrote my essence into the Torah. We only will share our lives with people that are full. And that's the other lesson that Eliezer tells Rivka. If you want to be in a healthy marriage with Yitzchak, you have to be enough for yourself. You can't constantly be pulling on him. If you want him to share your life, to share his life with you, you have to show up and say, "I am enough for myself." We live in a generation where people have lost both of these things.

34:00 Where couples get into fights And they don't know how to forgive each other And they don't know how to apologize Because they're so full in a And obviously not in a true fullness, but they're so full that they have no need for the other person. And it makes sense because if you look at life today People don't know how to process their feelings. People don't know how to say, "Ouch, that hurts." Instead, they just run to their phones, or run to their drug, or run to their drink, or run to their food, or run to whatever it is that we run to, that we don't have to process our feelings. Every one of us, including myself, is guilty of this. There's a reason that depression and anxiety spiked right around the time that the cell phones came out. It's because why should I bother processing my feelings?

34:50 It's not the screen time. It's not like you're wasting your life. That's not what bothers me. It's the reason why you're on your phone seven, eight, nine hours a day. I said to Bacher in yeshiva, I want to see your screen time. He said, I can't. I'm too embarrassed. I said, let me see it. He goes, I can't, Rabbi. I just can't. I let it go. If you can't show somebody, I guarantee you, this guy's on his phone ten hours a day. Why is he on his phone ten hours a day? Because things are going well for him. Do you know what it takes? That's like being drugged out of your mind all day long. I'm content. Why do I need to marry another person? Why do I need to engage the uncomfortable feelings? Why do I need to create boundaries and say, hey, that hurt? When I could just Netflix. When I could just sit on YouTube. You ever watch yourself on YouTube? You ever see how you go from one thing to the next?

35:40 How is it that three hours later you started over here and you ended up at beached whales being blown up on a beach by a stick of dynamite? How did you get there? You started off watching videos of the Lubavitcher Rebbe and all of a sudden you're at beached whales three hours later. Where did it go? How did it go? Because you're numbing your pain the entire time So you're quote unquote filling yourself up. Why should I engage in a relationship? And if you can't set boundaries for yourself. And you're lost on both sides. I'm not enough for myself on the one hand And I'm too full on the other. So how could we possibly have healthy relationships? It's not just about the phone. The phone is a symptom. Girls You are And I can't stress this enough. I know how cliche it sounds, but it doesn't mean it's not true.

36:32 You are a link in the chain, and you don't appreciate that when you're younger. You got to know that that's real. You got to know that in a couple of years from now, and this is real. In a couple of years from now The likelihood is that most of you will be married with children. I know that's a scary thought because you're looking at yourself. You don't have to understand. You're looking at yourself going, "I'm 18, 19 years old." Do you mean within the next two, three years of my life? Yes It's exactly what I mean. What should you be working on in seminary? Another umban. Another shear, of course, but you got to be working on filling yourself up authentically On becoming full and knowing that there's a lack. If you don't have that Then how are you going to carry yourself into the next stage of your life? Because up until now you've been carried, and quite frankly you're being carried here in Torma Devora. You've got everything you need.

37:28 The fact that people can complain means everything is really good. Because you can't complain unless things are good. If things are really bad, nobody complains. If things are really bad, people get working because they're suffering. The fact that people are complaining is because you don't realize this is a gift and you're getting it. You're getting everything. You're literally getting everything. So it's a great opportunity since you're getting so much To take a look inside and ask yourself how you will be full in your life. So that I can share my life with my children, so that I can share my life with my husband, so that I can share my life with the Jewish community. So that I can be marbeq vod Shamayim in this world.