Transcript
Automatic transcript; may contain mistakes, especially in Hebrew.
This week we have two questions that are very similar. The first question is My husband and I are trying to be careful not to speak Lashon Hora However, sometimes another negative experience we have with someone Causes one of us to have emotions that we want to share in process with each other We don't want to cast that person in a negative light or cause each other to hear Lashon Hora But we also don't want to hold back important emotions. Where do we draw the line? Mikaam chay Yisrael gaya chad barretz First of all, mik'am Ch'y Yisrael G'yachad Bar'ets, that we get such Shailas, that it's not so posh to us, that whatever we want to say or whatever we want to share can be said. We understand that saying Lashon Hora can be very deleterious to this world, to the people that we're speaking about, to ourselves, to the people that hear the Lashon Hora that we say, Bar'ach Hashem we're a sensitive nation.
This is a very common Shyla and in fact it's one that the Chavitz Chaim addresses directly. The Chavitz Chaim cautions a person against saying Lashon Hora to their spouse. He specifically cautions a person from saying Lashon Hora about their boss because they're going to come home, they're going to tell their spouse, all the ways that their boss criticized them and how frustrating it is for them and it could cause a spouse to lose respect for you because when he hears how other people treat you Or she hears when other people treat her husband, she could come to think, see other people experience my husband that way and that could also have a negative impact on the marriage. However, the halacha is quite clear. Lashon Hora is not the same thing as venting emotions. It is important for us to have a place to share things, to work through things, to be able to process things, and this does not fall under the category of Lashon Hora.
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However, having said that, a couple of important caveats. Number one, obviously if you can leave out names, that's better. Number two, obviously it goes without saying that the person who's listening to the Lashon Hora should have in mind that what they're hearing is lutuelus because their spouse needs to vent. However, they are now not allowed to accept it as 100% true facts because that would B'Yisrael N'Yerpor When you hear Lashon Hora you're not allowed to be macabre of the Lashon Hora We are going to share your frustration because it's very hard to hold things in, which is absolutely reasonable. Sometimes if a person holds things in, it could be very damaging to their own health. They build up these negative emotions and negative emotions and sometimes it just comes spilling out all over the place. It may very well be that it's healthier to share these things.
But at the same time, we all know when we're doing our own chazban anephesh, that we look inside and we ask ourselves, was I really venting or did I just want that person to see this person in a negative light? If that's the case and your intention is negative, then that would fall under the category of Lashon Hora. And it would not be mutter to share that with a spouse. I'll add one more important thing. Sometimes when it comes to raising children, so spouses may think there's an Indian of Lashon Hora regarding their children. And therefore they may hold back on sharing with their husband or sharing with their wife something that happened negatively with the child. Again, there's no doubt that there is Lashon Hora when it comes to our own children. And yet, a person has to be careful that when it comes to raising children that they're on the same page as their spouse.
As Chazal say, the ben-soir of Mora is not allowed to be punished unless his parents have the same voice. And the bala-musir learn out that the parents have to be on the same page of parents or not on the same page. And the child picks up on that and that is negative for the child. It's a negative experience and one that causes someone to become Chazvasholom Abensoh R'morah. So to sum up, it's 100% mutter. To vent to your spouse, assuming that it's actually an absolute situation of venting and not trying to hurt the other person. We have to know ourselves. We have to be careful not to be in the camp of the Lashon Hora. Obviously we should do our best not to use names. But at the end of the day, we're human beings and we can't bottle everything up. Your beautiful commitment to Shmira Salashem.
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