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Automatic transcript; may contain mistakes, especially in Hebrew.
This week's question is, how do you deal with in-laws that are very different from your own family, more upper class slash high maintenance, and issues that come up regarding money? Money is often the cause of tremendous strife. It doesn't have to be, but unfortunately it often is. Let me give you the following example, and it's an example that I've been involved in many, many times. When it comes to making a wedding, very often one side has more money, perhaps even significantly more money than the other. Each side, each family, paints the other family out to be the villains, and this is what it sounds like. The wealthier side says, we're making a certain type of chasna because we are a certain type of people, we come from a certain type of community, and we have to make a chasna that's in line with our community. Maybe they say for business reasons they have to do it. For whatever reason, they have a need to make a much more elegant, much more fancy wedding. As a result, they end up paying for most of the wedding, which they don't mind doing. But what becomes difficult for them is they start to feel like they're not being appreciated.
by the in-laws that are not paying as much. And they'll say things like, we're paying for everything. Why are they complaining about this? The less wealthy side will say things like, these are not the type of people we are. We make simple smachot. We're not interested in making this crazy elegant wedding. Ad rab, if we have the money, we should be giving it to the chasen and kala. And what I really feel deep down is I'm going to feel like a pauper and an invited guest at my own child's wedding. And that's a terrible feeling. So who's right in a case like that? Well, the answer is no one is right in a case like that. Because each side is not seeing things from the perspective of the other family. It's important for the people that are less wealthy to understand that community standards can be very difficult for a family to just say, we're going to make a simple chasna. It can be a very difficult thing. Even though personally, that's the way I would want to make a chasna. I can understand why it would be difficult for somebody who's, raised their family in a wealthier community to say, hey, we're going to buck the trend and we're going to go in the opposite direction.
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I can understand why that would be difficult. And at the same time, I can understand why it would be difficult for a person to come to their own child's wedding and feel like an invited guest in a pauper. Our responsibility as emotionally healthy people, is to see things from the other person's side. And the same is true when it comes to your situation. It seems that you've married into a family with very different financial expectations. They're more high maintenance, they're more upper class. So how do you, a person who's less high maintenance and perhaps come from a more modest background, how do you fit in? Well, the answer is don't betray who you are. Remember, your husband married you. Your in-laws understood this is who you are. You don't have to become someone that you're not. But your avodah is to try to see things from another person's perspective. Remember, sociology is real. The community that a person raises their family in has an impact on them. So what you describe as high maintenance, I wonder, I'm curious, is it actually high maintenance?
Or is that the community standard? Is it high maintenance from the perspective of where you come from? Perhaps it's understandable the way that they're behaving. And if it's understandable, it will allow you to have a softer, kinder, more gentler approach to your in-laws. See things from their perspective. Hopefully, you married into a family that does the same for you. And perhaps they understand. You come from a more modest family. Sometimes, when a person feels like they're being judged for being. high class, upper class, high maintenance, they feel like they have to look down upon another person as a defense mechanism. Maybe they do that already. But either way, our responsibility is to behave appropriately. So I would say in summation, be yourself. When it comes to money, when it comes to raising your own family, remember, you are the mother, you are the wife, you and your husband will make decisions that work for each other and for you as a family. Don't be someone that you're not. Once you start to try to be something that you're not for the sake of somebody else,
you've already lost yourself and it won't work anyway. My bracha to you is that you have the koach, which can be very difficult, to negotiate the very narrow terrain that is being married to your husband and having to negotiate with your in-laws. For most of us, Baruch Hashem, we have loving relationships with our in-laws. But for those that have challenging relationships, that can be a very narrow terrain, I would encourage you to take the kindest, softest, most gentlest approach with your in-laws. because ultimately that's what will cause shalom bias issues between you and your husband. And the most important circle of the three circles, the three intertwining circles that exist in a family, the wife's side, the husband's side, but ultimately the middle circle, which is the circle that you're creating with your husband, that's the most important one. One of the major causes of strife in a marriage can be the way that we deal with each other's families. So do your best to really take a soft, kind, gentle, empathetic approach to seeing things from their side. without betraying your own values.
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