Rosh Hashana - No More Hiding: How to Own What You Did Without Losing Who You Are

2:04 This is not healthy. You're going to have girls walking around and they're getting all like, they're entering into therapy with a whole new set of issues because a rabbi got up and said like these are serious days, and like I didn't take El seriously enough. So how do we parse out exactly our approach over here? Does that make sense? Yes. Are you having that experience also that like it's sort of these, two distinct approaches, as opposed to like harmonizing these two approaches? I'm a big believer that it's important. I learned from my rebbe it's important to sort of separate things and categorize them. But also it's important to take things and put them back together so that we can operate in a human way. In order to understand what we're meant to do here, let's go back to the very first avera. What's the first avera in history? The first avera in history is of course Adamarishon. What's Admorishon's first instinct after he does the avera? I know for sure if I ask this in mivaser, the boys go, I don't know, but you girls are mmoish on a bet for sure. You learned bereshis be'ei, and I have no doubt. What's his first instinct?

3:08 He hides. Excellent, perfect. And the obvious question is There you go, Right? But if the Torah tells us these things, Right? So when you know, it's like you're. At some point, you have to level up and get the adult version of Judaism. So when you're a kid, you go Adam Rishon hid. When you're an adult, your question is not just what does it mean to hide from Hashem, But your question has to be a little bit more profound. If the Torah is telling us that Adam Rishon hid from Hashem, The Torah is telling us something about who. It's telling us something about ourselves, That we must also have on some level this instinct to hide from Hashem. And the question is, that's obviously irrational. Nobody could hide from Hashem, but why? Why do we have this instinct to hide? If this doesn't make sense to you right now, ask yourself how many times in your life you have hid from the reality that you have created.

4:07 Whoa, that was uncomfortable. How many of us would be willing? And I imagine the answer is very few of us. How many of us would be willing to show up and just stare reality in the face and share with somebody our journey totally authentically? And these are the mistakes that I've made. It's funny, we say it as like, "How could Adam and Eve hide from Hashem?" And yet, we also have this very same instinct. Seems like we haven't advanced that much since the first moments of creation. So the question is, why? Why does Adam and Eve have the instinct to hide, and why do we have the instinct to hide? Or maybe we have the instinct to hide because Adam Rishon had the instinct to hide. But what is the nature of that instinct? Does that make sense? So far, so good. Remember, classroom participation involves you going like this. Yes. What else does Adam Rishon do? All women know the answer to this one. Clothing. B'seder. He blames his wife, right? And just like we have an instinct to hide because Adam Rishon had an instinct to hide.

5:13 All men have an instinct too. Blame their wives, right? So what does he say? He says, "Ha'isha she'anasata yimadi." He nasne li men aitz ve'ochel. So who is he blaming? So first of all, he definitely blames his wife. Who else does he blame? He blames Hashem. You gave me this woman, And she was the one that convinced me to eat. So it's a fascinating thing. Not only do we have an instinct to hide, Even when confronted with our truth. Right? Adam Harishon refuses to take ownership. He blames Chava. He blames Hashem. The obvious question is, Why not just take ownership? Why not just raise your hand and go,"Yep, I did that." By the way, when you're a kid, It's like you never want to like acknowledge it. You get to be an adult. Turns out, it's the most attractive thing in the world. You ever meet someone who's just willing to take ownership over their mistakes and they do it with confidence. And then you see that and you're like, that's a real person. Then when the guys figure out that the girls like that, they start acknowledging every mistake they've ever made. You know this move? I'm very confident. You want to hear all about my mistakes? Let's have a date. I'm going to tell you about every affair I've ever done. And then the girl runs back to Mrs. Moskowitz and goes, I need to understand what he was telling me.

6:29 Then I get the phone call. Mrs. Moskowitz said, the we're both laughing, but a little bit too much truth on that one. And so am I. Why do we do that? So I want to share with you a line from Rav Cook. Rav Cook. When you read Eir Satchuva, Rav Cook's insights were phenomenally brilliant. Today, Rav Cook somehow became a politicized figure. Rav Cook was a talmud of the Chafetz Chaim. It was in the Kachim Koyel in Radon. Tzaddikim had arguments with each other. They all knew that they were tzaddikim. It was only the kids that got involved in silly little machleksim. But to listen to the words of Rav Kook. Listen what Rav Kook says: Kol chait madeiv es haliv. Every chait that a person does causes a certain level of pain to the heart. Why? Because when we do an avera, it contradicts the unity between the individual and the collective.

7:55 And then he says, "Umisrapei," and the healing comes. Who rak al yadayat shuvah? What precisely does Rav Kook mean over here? I think what he means is like this: the reason why we are unwilling to step up and acknowledge our misdeeds, and not only to acknowledge them in the sense that we're not hiding from them, and to take ownership over the fact that we did them, is because we believe that if we did, it threatens our sense of self. That's what we believe. For me to step up and say I did this My bad, I own it. I don't blame anybody else. I take ownership of that. We feel like if we did that, we would die, Because there would be no sense of self left. There's a there's a player in the NBA. I'm confident you don't know this, Or if you do, I have a whole bunch of guys that want to date you. There's there's there's a player in the NBA whose name was Kawhi Leonard. His name is Kawhi Leonard. Kawhi Leonard played for he played for the Los Angeles Clippers, And his uncle was his agent.

9:07 And his uncle, together with the Los Angeles Clippers, worked out a deal for him to get paid by sponsors under the table to circumvent the salary cap to the tune of almost a hundred million dollars. They caught him and he had to pay a seven hundred thousand dollar fine, which is a joke. These guys have PR reps, right? He had to issue a statement. He got caught cheating and had to issue a statement. His statement was, "I take full responsibility for the misdeeds of the people in my inner circle." I didn't know anything about it. The entire world jumped on him. It's obviously just his PR team. I don't think he's even that articulate. If you listen to him speak, he's clearly not the guy writing it. But he's like, 'You, I take full responsibility and I take no responsibility in the same sentence.' And the entire world, all the Chavurah Kedusha, ESPN, and Fox News, are all like darshining, 'What does this mean?'

10:12 They're laughing. You can't say in one sentence, I take full responsibility and I take no responsibility. What stops us from stepping up and going, 'Yup, I did that'? It's because our sense of self is too fragile. We're like, if I take full radical responsibility for what's mine, I'm going to die. And it's not true. And by the way, the key to all healthy relationships is to take radical responsibility for what's yours and no responsibility for what's not yours. And that's really hard to parse out, especially in marriage. As you get older, you're in complex relationships, and real relationships are complex. And if you're not in a complex relationship, it's likely that you're not in a real relationship. Complex doesn't mean bad. It's just it's hard to know where things go. It's hard to know what belongs to whom. I have a kid that I knew growing up. He's many years younger than me. He learned in a different yeshiva and a very

11:20 Very chashav a boy. So a couple years ago, I ran into him. This is when he was still single. Now he's married, Baruch Hashem, with a kid, maybe even two. And I ran into him and I said, "How you doing?" And he said, "Like he thought for a second. He goes, 'I'm good. I'm good.'" I said, "You hesitated there." He goes, "Yeah, I'm learning a lot about myself." I said, "What are you learning about yourself?" And he goes, "I'm learning that I'm a house." That's like what you girls like. I'm not kara sabai. It's like what do you mean by that? I'm learning that my house has a basement, and it's important for me to know my basement because if I get married and somebody moves into my house, I need to know what's inside of my house and what's inside of the house they're moving into. I need to know all the stuff in my house, not just the stuff in my basement. I need to know the stuff in my bedroom. So I'm really working on developing a label maker so that all the things in my house that are mine will say my name. So that when she moves in, I'll know what's my stuff and what's her stuff.

12:26 And I'm learning that my house has a door, and that I can close the door and lock the door, and that I can open the door when I feel like it's appropriate. I could also keep the door closed when I feel like it's not appropriate. And I'm like, sounds like therapy's going really well. And he's like, "Yeah, it really was. So you're doing great." But I was so impressed because how many people are really doing that work before they get married to really be able to say, "I know what's mine" so that when somebody else moves in, I know what's theirs so that when something happens, I can raise my hand with real courage and go, "That's mine. That doesn't belong to you." Before we met, I was already struggling with this issue. It's just coming up now in this relationship. And well before we met.

13:19 You were struggling with that, which is why it's coming up in this relationship. But I'm not focused on your side of the street because that stuff doesn't belong to me. So I can show up, and people do this all the time. If I apologize, are they going to apologize? What is your need for them to apologize to you? That's your stuff. To be able to show up and go, I take radical responsibility for what's mine. I'm living on my side of the street and I'm living with integrity. It's actually the most amazing thing because if you want to know what really shifts a relationship, that's what shifts a relationship. Because if you're married to somebody who takes radical responsibility for their side of the street, it gives you permission to take radical responsibility for your side of the street. And if you want somebody to take radical responsibility for their side of the street, paradoxically, you need to take radical responsibility for your side of the street. Of course, it doesn't work once you start going like this. I'm going to take radical responsibility for my side of the street. Are you? Are you? Are you? That's like when you say, as Chazal say, if you're borei achmen kaved, if you're running away from kaved, kaved chases after you.

14:21 So how come it doesn't work? It's because most of the time we're going like this. I'm running away from kaved. You're chasing me. How come it's not working? Because you're not running away from kaved. If you are taking radical responsibility for your side of the street, but you're focused on going new, are you taking radical responsibility for yours? Then you're not focused on your side of the street. And you can only do that when you know what belongs to you. And most people in a relationship do the following: they take some responsibility for their side of the street, and they actually end up taking responsibility for stuff that's not theirs, also. Like, there are times when a couple will struggle with this that they'll go to the other side of the street and they'll be like, 'I think I did that to you.' And it's like, no, you didn't. You didn't do that. And if you pick that up, and it's not yours to pick up, you're not going to be able to work on it because it had nothing to do with you. It was there well before you got married to that person.

15:13 If a person has a strong sense of self, firmly rooted in their true identity, which is that they're a chelak elokamimal, we are souls. That's what we are. We are enough because we are souls. Then we have the capacity to say, I take radical responsibility for that, and I take no responsibility for that which is not mine. But when our sense of self is fragile, that's when we have trouble taking responsibility. And if you think about what Rav Kook is saying something like this: Really Truly, we are meant to live in a state of absolute unity with everything in creation. The reality of the world is Ein Odmelvado. Ein Odmelvado doesn't just mean there's not other gods. Ein od molado means all there is the rebbeim shalom. That means that fundamentally I live in a state of unity with everything that exists. What is an avera? An avera is an expression of fragmentation.

16:15 That's what it is. It doesn't. It's not natural to who we are. You ever learn this at some point? It just takes us time because a lot of us are slow learners. Everyone learns at some point that the thing they're doing is not working, and it's because it's not organic. For example, imagine somebody whose diet consists solely of Coke and chips. That's not going to work. There are people that are really obese. And it doesn't work for them because they're just snacking like crazy. And then there are people that are like, I don't know how this works, but there are some human beings that just stay thin, and all they eat is ice cream. Have you met these people? I just want to let you know, for the sake of transparency, I try not to hate any Jew. I hate the Pasha. I hate them. It's not right. How come they're emotional? Created you like that? But the truth is, it's not healthy. It doesn't work. A person needs nutrition, healthy nutrition. Why? Because we're meant to live organically.

17:17 We're meant to live naturally. Really, we're meant to live in a state of unity with all things, And an avera hurts because it's a function of fragmenting ourselves from reality. And Rvuk gives us an unbelievable insight into what tshuva is. Tshuva is the restoration of unity. I'm now back living in alignment. If you knew that doing an avera does not, Threaten your identity, Then you would be able to take radical ownership over that avera And you'd be able to say: This was an activity that was not aligned with my highest self. I can take radical responsibility for that because it doesn't define me. I don't need to shy away from it. I don't need to hide from it, and I don't need to blame anybody else. I'm going to do tshuva and bring myself back into alignment. That is a healthy form of tshuva. Radical responsibility because my identity is not on the line. I behaved in a way that's unaligned with reality. I'm realigning myself with reality. Does that make sense? Here's where you go like this.

18:26 Or Good. Say there. How come we need to do vidui? Vidui sounds intense. Let's look what the Rambam says. When you do tshuva, the Rambam says you're obligated to do vidui before Hashem. Ketzad misvadim. How do you do vidui? The Rambam says you say, 'I sinned,' etc. Chatasi avisi pashati. I did this. I regret my actions. I'm embarrassed of my actions. And I'm not returning to it. Why do you have to admit it? Why isn't it enough to think it? Why, according to the Rambam, do you have to verbalize it? Whether you're doing musical slichos or not musical slichos, why do you have to say the words? Ana Hashem chetasi avisi pashati v'azisi kach v'kach. This is what I did. Why isn't it enough just to think it? Because ambiguity is a way of avoiding accountability. You know how people go, 'I know that it wasn't ideal, but.' Have you ever heard yourself saying those words or have somebody say those words to you? What are they trying to avoid by saying that? 'I know that it wasn't ideal, but.'

19:54 ", it's like I'm willing to go 80% of the way. I recognize that it wasn't ideal, And for sure, a person should give themselves grace, As we'll speak about in a moment. But a person who really gives themselves grace is able to say, "Ana Hashem, chatosi, Avisi, pashati, Vaasisi kach v'kach. " I'm able to articulate that this is exactly what I did because I'm no longer negotiating with reality. It's such a big tirah here. The avoda of tshuva is to align myself back with reality Averah is me living outside of reality. Tshuva is me aligning myself back with reality. If you're negotiating with reality, you haven't done tshuva because you're still living outside of reality. And when you see people that are living outside of reality, it never works. You ever see kids who are liars? Sometimes kids are liars because they're terrified. I don't mind admitting this. I was the deny 'til you die kid. I remember, in eighth grade, I got in very big trouble for something.

21:00 And they, Rabbi Bender Shlita, kept calling me into his office to call me out on what I was doing. And I was like, "You don't got the proof." And he's like, "You did it." I'm like, "You have no idea that that's true." And I was Pasha playing. I lost, by the way, badly. But for like a good week, I had him. Get you don't have the proof. You don't have the proof. You don't know that it was me. He knew absolutely it was me. But you don't have the proof. What's the problem with lying? You grow up and you realize lying doesn't work. Why? Why doesn't lying actually work? Because sometimes we think we get away with it. If you tell a good lie and you're able to avoid it, you think that it worked, but it didn't work. Why? Because any time you lie, you bend reality. You know what happens? At some point, may not be right away. You might get away with it for a minute, but at some point, you know what happens? Reality snaps back into place. And when you're on the other end of that snapback, it hurts a lot. You can't bend reality. Part of growing up, part of being mature, is to understand reality is reality.

22:02 And I have to align myself with reality. Reality is not going to align itself with me. So when we act without integrity, we're taking ourselves out of reality. When we do tshuva, we're putting ourselves back into reality. So I'm being misvada. The Rambam says I'm doing a real vidui, and I'm articulating it. I'm saying, 'A sisi kach v'kach.' I'm absolutely willing to say I did this because remember my identity is not on the line. I want to be very specific. I don't want to avoid reality. I want to say yes, I did this. Now the lashon is chatosi. The lashon is chatosi avisi pashati. I sinned, Not I am a sinner, Right? That's the critical difference because once you enter into the world of not I sinned but I am fundamentally broken, I am bad. Then you're not going to be able to say it. The lashon avidoy is not self-condemnation, Although most people think it is, And that's why it's so hard to say. Because most people, when they say I did the avera, They actually think what they're saying is I'm a bad person.

23:05 And no, you're not. You're a human being. Every human being. The people that stand up here talking to you are also doing tshuva for averas that we've been doing for sometimes decades. Now maybe our averes look different today. Happens to be my birthday. So I'm. Thank you so much. I'm so validated. The Yeshiva guys would be like. I know where I was. 30 years ago, The averes that I was doing when I was 16 years old in Simcha Day Camp in the summer, Maybe those averes look. Different today. Maybe they're leveled up. Maybe they're more subtle. But the truth is, I'm still fundamentally struggling with the same things, Just in a different way. Part of the problem is, I think, when we stand up here and we like pretend that we have all the answers. First of all, any answers that we have are only because we stumbled so many times along the way that we figured things out, And then we're like, you know what we could do? Make a career of telling people all of our mistakes. But when we stand up here, we're like

24:09 I've got it all figured out now. You don't, because you don't know what goes on in their private lives. I was zaychut to have an amazing rebbe, My rebbe of Parnas. When he was, which is also your father's rabbi, when I was once talking to a partner and he was telling me that he was learning certain sfarim because he was getting older. Today my rabbi is 98 years old, Kanai Nahara, but at the time he was in his 80s and he told me he was learning certain sfarim because he was afraid of his yom din. And I was like, if rabbi's afraid of his yom din, we are cooked. Oh yeah, by the way, I'm D1 relevant. I know all the words. It's a little bit too much LARP. But it's a little OD. I understand. I've got crazy riz. The I'm aura farming all day long. That's what happens when you hang out in meds all day. The asker by horn. If I, in fact, not Kotel, They speak this way. Again, no, it's all like high falutin language. It's all like serious business. You know. The.

25:16 We stand up here and we're like we're perfect. My rabbi said, "I'm afraid of my yom din." I said, "Rabbi, if you're afraid of your yom din, the rest of us are cooked." He said, "Mordechai, you don't know what goes on inside of me." It was such a powerful moment for me as a young man in my 20s, and I was like, "My rabbi is telling me that he's also a human being. We're all working on ourselves. That's part of the process of becoming." I don't think that's a chesaron in my rabbi. I think other of it that makes him greater. He wasn't pretending to be perfect. He was sharing with me the journey. The journey is beautiful. The Alter Rebbe I think, spells this out very beautifully in Tanya. And I think this is the difference. Today, everyone's into Brene Brown and the difference between guilt and shame. Shame is I'm a bad person and I'm unworthy of love and connection because of what I've done. Guilt is I am not my worst moments. The Alter Rebbe actually articulates this in a very profound way. The Alter Rebbe says, "Atzvasi shelibo metumtam keevin. Depression is when your soul is closed like a stone. Ve'en chayos belibo." The Alter Rebbe is giving you the psychological condition of

26:17 Like, when a person becomes like so captured by their shame that depression. We're talking. I'm not talking about chemical depression. I'm talking about like American depression. When a person is like in the state of shame, So like there's no vitality in them. There's no. They're not alive anymore. They're not lebedika people. But he does say an interesting thing. He says, "Avomerirus v'leiv nishpar adar abba hareishchaus belibol his pole is marmer. " So he's saying a powerful thing, The Alter Rebbe. He's saying, there's a difference between being bitter and being depressed. A person who's bitter, a person who's even we'll call it brokenhearted, they're very alive. They're very alive and actually they're alive enough to actually move. I'm going to share with you something. I hope this hits right. Brokenhearted is a stunning emotion that people are terrified of. Because who in the world wants to be brokenhearted? If you're dating someone and you're about to get engaged, and then it just ends out of nowhere, and you're left with this: what just happened? And you're devastated. That means you had the courage to love. Brokenhearted means you gave someone the keys to your heart, you asked them not to crush you, and they did. That makes you courageous.

27:37 That makes you unbelievable. And brokenhearted, it's just a sim. It's an expression of love. Grief is an expression of love, because the person that passed away is the person that you want to tell I love you, and now they're not here to hear it anymore. And the only person you want to tell I love you to is the one that can't hear it anymore, in a physical way. It's musical slichos. There's nothing wrong with it. It's beautiful. Grief means that you loved someone. That's an amazing thing to know about yourself. A person who lives with shame, they're dead. There's no chayas belibo. There's no movement. A person who's able to get up courageously and say Anah Hashem Chatasi Avisi Pashati Vasisi Kach Vekach. It means they're alive. It means I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I brought this into my relationship with Hashem. That's not who I want to be. That's not who I am. And it moved them.

28:36 That sense of not of shame, But that healthy sense of guilt, It moved them. And sometimes we imagine that the worse we make ourselves feel, Like if I'm really going to shame myself, The worse I make myself feel. Now I'm taking the avera seriously. I'll share with you. Many years ago, I remember exactly where I was. I was in a certain shul, And I was like going through something. I was like. It's time for me with myself. And I was like in the Ezra's Nashim of the shul. No one was there, and I was just pacing. And I was like listing my averas Listing my averas was somehow going to be this penance. Afterwards I'd feel purified. Afterwards I felt like garbage because I wasn't listing my averas from a healthy sense of self. I was listing my averas like it was punitive. If I inflict enough punishment on myself, then the Rebbeinu Shol will see I'm taking this seriously. That doesn't make you change at all. Recognizing that I am not my avera, and then from a place of healthy distance to be able to look at it with curiosity and to go

29:39 I did that. That's healthy. Beating yourself up is actually it's not tshuva. It has nothing to do with tshuva. The Rambam speaks about harata. The Rambam speaks about regret. The Rambam does not speak about shame. And when he speaks about bousha, He doesn't mean the shame that we're like you're unworthy of love and connection. He says, "I'm embarrassed of my actions, But they're they're actions. They're not me. Like, if there's an I that did that, Remember the I is not the did, Right? If you can say I did What does that mean? There's an I and there's an action. But you are not your actions. I could be embarrassed that I did that. But it's what you did, not who you are. How do we have the ability to do this? The relationship with Hashem is safe. I know that, and this is where the thank you Hashem people are 100% right to play that note over and over again. If our relationship is not safe, we do not have the capacity to take radical responsibility. If you're in a relationship with someone who's not forgiving

30:42 And by the way, every one of us are meant to be forgiving. That's we're Chazal are pretty clear about that. We're supposed to be slow to anger and we're supposed to be quick to forgive. We're supposed to be soft. We're supposed to be gentle. That's part of our avodah of becoming. If you're in a relationship with someone who's not forgiving, what are the chances you're going to take radical responsibility to them? Because you're like, I don't want you to punish me every time I come to you and say, if I come to you and I go, I made a mistake, and your response is, I can't believe you did that. What is wrong with you? I'm going to stop admitting it to you because I don't want you to yell at me just because I made a mistake. I'm okay with you being hurt by what I did. But if there's not a posture of grace in the relationship, if the other person is not okay, you're not going to be able to take radical responsibility. Listen what the Gemara in Rosh Hashanah 17b says: Hashem. That's what we say in Slichos, Hashem. We repeat the same Hashem. Why? Because Hakadosh Baruch Hu says, 'Ani who kodem sheyachta adam, v'ani who la'achas sheyachta adam, bi'asat tshuva.' God says, 'I am the same before you sin'

31:45 And I am the same after you sin. " That's the value of being in a relationship with a complete God. It's not that our actions don't matter to Him. Our actions matter infinitely, But He is. He's not damaged by our sins. If you're in a relationship with someone that's, Then even when you don't do the right thing, It's like I'm. Like if you want to apologize because, Because you feel the need to, Because it's the right thing to do, To take accountability in this relationship That's amazing. But I'm okay. It becomes safe to take responsibility because the other person is okay. But if the other person is not okay, if they're living in that shame spiral of if my wife does something to me, then I'm going to fall apart. It becomes very hard to take the perspective of I'm going to take radical responsibility. Hashem approaches us in these days and He says, I'm okay. I just want to talk to you. I just and I love you. That's of course the perspective that Klal Yisrael always had.

32:48 And I believe the Emuna Shleima that in those days, back in the day when they would give that shmos of even the fish in the sea are tittering, they're shaking because it's Elo. They were only able to say that because they had no doubt that Hashem loved them. That was part of the fabric of what it meant to be a Jew living in the ghetto in those days. They knew Hashem loved them. They were simple Jews. I don't mean simple, just they were didn't necessarily know as much Torah as we knew. They were simple in the sense that they had absolute connection. My grandmother, Alay Hashem, became a balaschuvah when she was 70 years old. She never went to an eishat Torah class. She didn't know anything really. She started dressing sneaks and she started keeping Shabbos. She started and she kept kosher in the home. She started keeping kosher out of the home. She was an amazing woman, my grandmother. If you asked my grandmother why did you do it, you know what she would say? It's the right thing to do. How did she know? She knew it because she was a simple Jew. And at her ninetieth birthday party, right before she passed away from COVID, before COVID started, her birthday party was in January. COVID started around Purim of that year. If you remember that trauma that you went through, were you like in sixth grade at the time?

33:53 Seventh grade? Shem, you were children. Are you all okay? Are you getting the help that you need? Do we need to hire more therapists than MMY does? The so right before she passed away, they had her ninetieth birthday party, and my aunt, who lived to be over a hundred years old, her older sister, she was like on the video. She's like extolling the virtues of her little sister, who they were like best friends, and she was like, Sarah, you did it right. You're from and our parents are so proud of you in Shamayim, and I'm like. Who are these people? These are like the least observant people I know. But they're so religious. They knew it simply. They knew Hashem loves them. They weren't embarrassed to say, 'I'm going to do tshuva,' because they knew that Hashem loves them. This is why Hakadosh Baruch Hu, when Adam Harishon sins, He says, 'Vayikra Hashem Elokim al Adam vayomer lo ayaka.' Where'd you go? What does Rashi say? Yodeya ha'yachanu. Of course. Hakadosh Baruch Hu knew exactly where Adam Rishon was. Ela likanes imo betvarim. Shaloy yehi nivah lahashiv. Hakadosh Baruch Hu approaches him and he goes, 'Where are you? Why? Because he wanted to start the conversation. Why? Because once you start the conversation'

35:07 What happens? It gives the other person permission to respond. Adam was frozen, like many of us, not capable of saying, "I did this." Because he didn't know what it meant in the relationship. So what does Hashem do? He takes a step towards us and he says, "Where'd you go?" He knew where he was. What is Rashi telling you? Where'd you go? Let's start the conversation. Let's talk it out. I'm just giving you permission. I'm coming to you to let you know I'm okay. Can you respond by saying, "I'm enough for myself and therefore I'm okay to take responsibility for what I did" And ultimately, we'll finish with this before we open it up to questions. Forgiveness is what makes Yirah Hashem possible. We think it's backwards. Like, wouldn't it be greater if there were no forgiveness? Then I'd have real Yirah Hashem because Hashem won't forgive me. Why is it that if there's forgiveness, then there's Yirah Hashem? The answer is, if there's no possibility of forgiveness, then the truth becomes absolutely unbearable.

36:14 Nobody could live like that. Either a person is going to despair. Why should I admit it? The relationship is over, Right? Or I'm going to stop taking the relationship seriously at all. Why should I even participate in this relationship? It's so it's like it's so insane that if I make one mistake, I'm out. And by the way, there are people like this in the world that if you make one mistake, It's over. Like relationships. I remember my wife and I when were I don't remember dating or newly married or maybe she said it to me both. She's like. And this reference you're not going to get. I just realized. Do you know what Gumby is? We are from a generation. These kids are orphaned. They momish. They push a don't. Do you know the Smurfs? Yes. Smurfs came out again. Baruch Hashem. But I bet you don't know the Snorks. The Snorks were the Smurfs underwater. They were awesome.

37:08 Is that even a thing? It's a thing. Gumby is like this, an animated character that he's very bendy, and my wife said she's like, people in relationships they're Gumby, and it's a healthy thing. Like people can bend, relationships can be damaged and they can snap back into place. It's not the end of the world. Ki imcha aslichu because Hashem Baruch Hu is forgiving And He's forgiving because He's perfect. He's forgiving because he's complete. He's forgiving because he's okay. Now it gives me the opportunity to have real Yerushalayim. I don't need to be perfect. I'm not responsible for everything. I'm just responsible to take the next right step. Once I take the next right step, I can take the step after that, Bezrashem. I promised Mrs. Moskowitz that I would leave it open to questions, comments, and reactions because I know that there are some questions, and I also know that I did not address the topic you asked me to address.

38:09 So maybe I'll ask Mrs. Moskowitz to start off with the first question to give you time, so that we don't have to do the awkward silence. So while she's talking, you be thinking. Unless anybody has a question first. You have to tell me what's your name and where you're from? Where in the five towns? Old Woodmere. I didn't even know that's a thing. I'm from Lawrence. I'm better than you. The Woodsburg. Woodsburg. Woodsburg. I understand. Woodsburg is competitive. I'm with you. It's old five towns beef. How do you know when to have a little backbone and not bend too much? How do you find that balance? You can't just bend over backwards to everyone. Because bending over backwards and being a doormat has nothing to do with being forgiving. People who are forgiving have real strength to be able to say that was not okay. I can forgive you, but I won't allow myself to be in a relationship where I'm going to be treated in a way that's inappropriate. But that's not a boundary that's keeping you out of the relationship. That's actually a boundary that invites you into the relationship. We think today because everyone talks about boundaries now. So everyone's like, no, you have to make boundaries. So it's like boundaries to keep you out.

39:33 Boundaries are what. And remember, clarity is kindness. So the more clear you are on what your boundaries are, the more you're inviting someone to understand what it looks like to participate in a healthy relationship with me. So being able to say, I think I'm okay, and you, I can give you forgiveness. I can treat you with kindness and compassion because I'm also human. I can give you that grace. But I also need you to know that in this relationship, I expect to be treated with respect, and that's the basis of our relationship. Being a doormat is actually the opposite. Being a doormat is telling somebody that you have no idea how to participate in a relationship. It's actually inviting them to participate inappropriately in the relationship. Does that make sense? If we know that, despite anything that we do, Hashem wants to keep the relationship going. What is generating the yira? It feels more like kavod and less like yira.

40:23 Yirus Hashem is a word that has a lot of different definitions. The Alter Rebbe and Tanya speak about at least three definitions of the word Yirus and there are different levels. It's like Yirus Haonesh and there's Yirus Haromamus. For the purposes of this conversation, what I would say is something like this: If your parents will love you no matter what, which is what parents do. Parents love unconditionally. I'm going to be inspired. I'm going to stand in awe of these people that are just showering me with love. Now remember that just because a parent stands in a posture of forgiveness to their child doesn't mean that the parent isn't going to create boundaries and say this is what is and is not acceptable in this relationship. But the fundamental, if we're using Rabbi Danishevsky language, because attached is like a safer that we learn, we have a seder. What do they do in MMY? Do you have like a prep seder for the sheir of a, I know everything here has like a base magic component. Do you have like a time where you prepare attached before you're taught it in sheir

41:26 Or is it just like a sefer you learn on the side? The I'm joking. Rabbi Dan Shefer is an amazing person, and I respect him tremendously. The secure attachment that Hakadosh Baruch Hu provides for us is awe inspiring. I want to participate in this relationship and I don't want to do anything that's going to interrupt this relationship. Because if I felt you really loved me unconditionally, why would I violate the relationship? This is one of those areas where Rabbi Kalish gets misquoted. Because people think Rabbi Kalish doesn't believe in any boundaries. And it's not true. It's just like if you see a 60-second clip on a WhatsApp status of Rabbi Kalish, then you didn't actually listen to what he said. You just saw something that was shared many times, forwarded many times. You have to listen carefully. Rabbi Fisher, same thing. By the way, it's all Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're ever interested in where Rabbi Fisher got it from, go read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's all Rabbi Fisher quotes. But Rabbi Kalish doesn't say I don't believe in boundaries. He says I believe in boundaries. I believe in boundaries that come from having an amazing relationship with your child.

42:32 So when parents come to him and they go, but if I make an eleven o'clock curfew, what punishment do I give my kid if my kid comes home at one o'clock in the morning? He's like, why is your kid coming home at one? If you made a boundary, why doesn't your kid want to keep that boundary? Because remember, trees naturally gravitate towards the sunlight. Because everybody naturally gravitates towards the thing that gives them life. It's a beautiful thing to make boundaries because I know this relationship has that secure attachment. My parents are willing to forgive me. That doesn't mean that they're doormats. How do we know the line between actions at some point I don't think people would have to be their actions. Let's say a really bad person from history. I think you're asking me a question in the extreme, which is really beautiful. But I think in Judaism we have a pretty radical approach to this. Afal pi shachata yisrael, meaning you could have done the worst avirah in the world, and it does not diminish your status of being Jewish on any level. This was a big debate that happened not that long ago between Ben Shapiro and some Chabad rabbis on social media. Rabbi Ephraim Goldberg, I think, wrote an article about it. Basically, Ben Shapiro called someone—I don't even remember who it was.

43:47 He said he's as Jewish as a ham sandwich. And of course the Chabad rabbis on Twitter went crazy because they said, 'What do you mean? That's the Rebbe's whole tirade. A Jew is a Jew. He did some terrible things.' It's pretty obvious if you look in the words of Chazal. Even those things that you can't do tshuva for, you can do tshuva for those things. You look at the Rishonim, and they're like, 'Okay, you can't do tshuva for this,' and the Rishonim say, but it only means a certain level of tshuva. If you do tshuva me'ava, you're always forgivable. So you're never your actions. But that doesn't give you. That's not an excuse. That's not something that takes you away from responsibility. The knowledge that I can really cause damage. And that I will never lose that pentaliid that I have that essence that is eternal, is what gives me permission to take responsibility. So even when you've done terrible things, other rabba, you might be the most unbelievable example of tshuva. In fact, the gemara says that the chait of the chaita egel was xerademalca.

44:52 It was a decree from Hashem that it should be done. To prove that even when you do the worst possible avera of the chet ha'egel, you could still have a yom kippur and be forgiven. So I'm not sure that there's ever a point where someone's actions, but that doesn't mean that they shouldn't be taken out of society for things that they've done because they represent a danger. If we say that Hashem is unchanged, how do you explain punishment and anger from Hashem? So again, when I was a child, I had a very different vision of punishment than I have today. Baruch Hashem, I'm married almost 25 years. I'm a grandfather of three, expecting a fourth, and I'm a father now again. I have a four month old child. My daughter is younger than her nieces and nephews. I am truly chassidish now. I spoke at a principals conference and it was 95 percent chassidish women.

45:48 And I got up and I said, 'I know I don't look like you would think somebody who would speak to you would look like, but I'm just like you. I just had a daughter, and I've got grandchildren, and they were all like, '' (Laughter) What was your question? I'm joking. When I was a kid, my vision of punishment was like God's going to get me. You get married and you realize like I'm not participating in my relationship with my wife because I'm afraid of her punishments. Because think about how pathetic that would be. Like, if my wife says, 'Can you take out the garbage?' and I go Just what's the punishment if I don't? What's the reward if I do? What do I want to come back and go, 'Good boy'? I don't want to be that. That's what we do to our children. You're such a good boy. I don't want to be that. The reward of the mitzvah is participating in the relationship. Chayar mitzvah. I get to participate in the relationship. The punishment is I don't. So punishment to me, now that I'm older, it comes from more of a place of integrity. I'm living this way because I think it's to live aligned with my highest truth and the truth of reality.

46:54 And when I live misaligned with reality, I'm going to pay the consequences of leading a life that's misaligned with reality. That is punishment. Is there is but yeah. So it's interesting because first of all, when we say Hashem gets angry, let's say in creation of aicher of Hashem, let's just be adults about this. That means Hashem is having a temper tantrum. He's in Shamayim going, I can't believe they did that. It doesn't make any sense. It must mean that there is some sort of perfect notion of anger, and anger is actually a healthy emotion. By the way, even everyone misquotes the Rambam because they say, doesn't the Rambam say you have to go to the extreme? You have to look at the complete Rambam there. But anger is a beautiful emotion because anger always tells you what's important and what's important is being violated. There's something beautiful about anger. There is a very beautiful anger that a person has when someone can hurt them and violate them. We were angry on October seventh. That wasn't the anger of rage. It was the anger of we were violated. That is not okay. That's a beautiful anger. So Hakadosh Baruch Hu gets angry, so to speak, because he's saying this is not aligned with the relationship. That's not okay. That doesn't mean he's having a temper tantrum in Shamayim.

48:04 He's not Santa Claus. This is when we speak about the existential reality of God. This is not a person. This is reality itself. We have to recognize that within reality itself, there is something called violating the laws of reality. And there's an anger, so to speak, from this existential reality that we call Hashem when we don't. We're not living in alignment with reality. And that's our job as Jews to bring reality in alignment with its truest reality. And I think punishment to me means consequence. The fact that the Torah articulates specific punishments It's not so interesting to us. We're not sitting there. It's only information. Akedusha Rahu is telling me that's really important. These are not good things to do. You contradict. You said don't you think, and then you said I feel as a man. I'm not sure what to do now. I think good.

49:09 I would say exactly the opposite. I would say that if I am identified as my lowest moment, I will never look inside of myself to understand what I did, because to do that would be threatening the self itself. But if I am not my lowest moments, then I can look curiously at what I did, and I can look curiously at where it came from, and I can really try to get like a rich picture of what was going on. And by the way, if you do, you'll actually have real compassion for yourself. Because we often think our range of choices is a lot wider than it actually is, right? And we'll be able to understand and say,"Wow, Because of what I've gone through and because of the parts that I've developed, I had this range. I'd like to be somebody who expands that range, But I can take accountability for the fact that I was living within this range and I wasn't aligned with my highest self. Does that make sense?

49:59 If we don't think that you were seeing If we don't think that, who's Kamari? Are you taking an M and Y? You were saying before that the punishment isn't the relevant part. Why do you think the tour goes so in depth? The tour goes into details, not just like 'hey you're not punished.' So many questions go through the club. It's a great question. How you read the book really depends on where you're starting from. I do this with the boys with Karate Kid and Cobra Kai. If we could do it with Wicked also, it works. When I was a kid growing up, we knew in the eighties that the Wicked Witch of the West was wicked. We knew that, and we knew that in Karate Kid, Daniel was the hero and Johnny was the bully. And then, all of a sudden there was a reality where no, the Wicked Witch of the West was actually good. And what's the other one?

51:06 Glinda. Glinda. It's not that I can't. I'm pulling it from deep within the psyche here, And that she was the bad one, And that maybe Johnny wasn't so bad, And maybe he wasn't a bully, and maybe Daniel was the one that was wrong. How you read the Torah really depends on where your starting point is, And it's interesting because if you read very carefully, You'll see that our Kadosh Baruch Hu like bookends all of the Torah, Right? Like it starts and ends with "I love you, " And our love is unconditional. But let's talk about the very real reality that there are hashlachot. My mother would be very proud of me right now.

51:41 Growing up, used to yell at me all the time. Your actions have consequences, and I couldn't get it through my head because that's what it means to have ADHD. You don't necessarily recognize that's why you do the same thing over and over again. And my mother would go, 'Your actions have consequences.' I was like, 'Oh yeah, mom, yeah.' But the next time that I failed the test, I was not bringing it home because maybe the teacher won't call. Your actions have consequences. You have to study for the test the night before. But if I don't study for the test the night before, I can play on my Nintendo all night. So it's like you have to be able to say there is a very real consequence to your actions. By the way, the word tochacha also needs to be understood. Rav Yochanan Zweig of Miami says very beautifully. The word tochacha is kolach tochah. It's the power that you have inside of you. When you give toychecha to a person, you're actually not trying to tell them that they're bad. The opposite, you're trying to say these behaviors are unbecoming of your godly dignity. Look at the power that you have inside of you, and you're not aligned with that power. I think it's really important that we read the Torah very carefully with the reshaimim. Super important. A lot of times people just read like the surface, or they, or even worse

52:45 They hold on to the version of Torah that they learned when they were in third, fourth, and fifth grade, and they never level up to the mature adult version of Torah. We exhausted all the questions. Last one. I think this is like a shiv and panim l'torah thing that there's such different opinions, or like this is actually just churim. There's an unhealthy place that they teach us that. I think you're saying people that teach the Torah from a place of shame. I don't think that that's within the realm of shiv and panim l'torah. I don't think that type of fear of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, the fear that Hashem is out to get me, I haven't seen that. And I've been learning for a bit of time, and I have not seen that approach. I do think that the balance of are we speaking about even the fish in the sea are tithering and elul because these are serious times to take accountability for our lives versus the more positive let's focus on Hashem's love.

53:37 I do think those are different notes on the same piano in the same song, and it's just a question of where you want to put the emphasis on that particular note. Depending on the generation that you're living in, depending on the people that you're speaking to, in order to bring out a particular point. And I think it's important that we have people in the world that are saying Hashem loves you, and we should be dancing by Slichos and we should be dancing by Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I think that's very beautiful, and I think those people that are saying, and yet we're also taking it very seriously, and we choose to have a more a minion that has more of that yira in that classical sense. And we're confident of Hashem's love. I think that's beautiful too. I don't think that authentic Jews really need to like. Choose that one is more right than the other. I think there's value in being able to live in the dialectical tension that Rabbi Katz would want us to live within.