Ki Tavo - True Confessions

2:26 Who knows how to bring that soul into the reality of this world through a guitar, through his voice, and through the energy that he just shared with us? It was so beautiful, and it means the world to me that you came tonight. I want to share with you a Torah tonight. It's in many ways a very famous Torah, and in other ways It's not a Torah that's spoken about nearly enough, even though it's spoken about so much. This Torah tonight, it needs to be shouted from the rooftops to every single Jew throughout the entire year. The pesukim in this week's parsha in Kisavu speak about a concept called vidui maaser. Vidui maaser. We know that a farmer has an obligation to give truma, to give maaser rishon, to give maaser ani. And twice every seven years. In the fourth and the seventh year, on the last day of Pesach, the farmer would make a declaration.

3:32 A vidui. What does vidui mean? Confession. It's what we're all going to be doing in a couple of weeks. Slichos, Yom Kippur, Ashamnu, Bagadnu, Gazalnu—that's vidui, confessing our sins. This is called vidui meiser. What's vidui meiser? Let's look at the psukim. Not going to read all the psukim inside But just a little bit, just to get a taste. The Amarta lefne Hashem alokecha. This farmer will say in front of Hashem Biarti akodesh min abayis. I took you out. I destroyed. I removed all of the kodesh, all of the things that were kodesh from my house. All the truma, all the miser. V'gam nisativ lelevi v'lager v'layasom laalmana. And I gave it to the levie. I gave it to the ger. I gave it to the yasom. I gave it to the almana, to the orphans, and to the widows. As you commanded, I did not transgress your commandments. I did not forget.

4:30 The passage continues. I didn't eat any of the measer while I was in mourning. I didn't eat any of it while I was tame. I didn't need any of it. I didn't use any of it for the dead. I obeyed all your commandments. I did everything according to the way that you commanded me. The famous kasha of everyone—the Balle Musr, the Balle Ashkaf, the Balle Chasidus—everybody in the world asks this kasha. This is vidui. Vidui is Hashemnu, bagadnu, gazalnu. Vidui is look at all the averas that I did. Here we have a farmer. Who gets up on the last day of Pesach and what does he say? Lo avarti mi mitzvosecha. I did not transgress any of your commandments. Lo shachacti. I forgot nothing. I was perfect. That's vidui. It's the opposite of vidui. That's saying, look at me, I'm awesome. That's not vidui. The Chazal call it vidui meiser. How could that be vidui? That's a famous kasha.

5:46 There's another kasha, not as famous, a beautiful kasha, nonetheless. What does lo shacti mean? I didn't forget. Rashi is sensitive to the language of lo shacti. Lo shachacti, Rashi says, "I didn't forget to make a bracha." There's only one problem with this Rashi. It's a technical problem. But all technical problems have deep solutions, deep insight. So we need to listen to the technical problems. Brachos derabanan or daraisa. Derabanan could be there are some that hold brachos could be daraisa, but brachos for the most part everybody says brachos derabanan. So how could the Torah say 'lo sha chachti milavarachicha'? I didn't forget to make a bracha. What do you mean make a bracha? How could a farmer before the times where the chachamim instituted brachos have gotten up and said, 'I didn't forget to make a bracha'? What bracha? Brachos didn't exist yet. It can't be that the Torah is saying 'lo shachachti milavarechacha.' There were no brachos. It's a technical question, but it's an important one.

6:56 And it needs a deep answer. Chaver, surgery is almost here. Surgery is dangerous. And before a patient can have surgery A patient needs to become well. Almost eleven years ago, I am not going to get into all the details of the story, but almost eleven years ago At the very end of yeshiva I got sick. Some of you have heard the story before. Details of the story don't matter. I got sick and ended up in the hospital. I thought I would be there for no time at all. Then I thought I would be there for three days. Then I thought I would be there for five days. L'maisa, I didn't get out of the hospital for a month. I remember. I missed Shavuos. I missed the last day of yeshiva. I missed the banquet. I remember a phone call that I got from the Rosh Yeshiva, and for those of you that know the Rosh Yeshiva, you'll appreciate how funny this phone call is.

8:16 I had been in the hospital at that time for a week and a half. And the Rosh Yeshiva calls me. He goes, "I'm getting concerned." " So, thank you, Rabbi. At the end of the stay in the hospital After a month of being in the hospital, Baruch Hashem Finally my fever had broken. After being in the hospital for a month I was on so much IV medication that they had to give me the pills they give to cancer patients who are taking chemo. And they're so nauseous from the chemo they give them this anti-nausea medication. It's very powerful. They had me on IV twenty-four-seven. And the medicine was going straight into my blood. And I was so nauseous. They had to give me the same medication that they give to cancer patients. And I lost in one month. I lost thirty pounds. Not a diet I would recommend.

9:20 And on the very last day They told me, "You're leaving the hospital." Kevelt, leaving the hospital. That's great. I'm going home. And a nurse walks into the room and she says, "Start fasting. No more eating." You're having surgery today. I needed to have surgery at some point, but I thought it was going to be later. The nurse walks in and she says, "you're going to have surgery." So I started fasting. We were wondering where this came from. The head of Hadasa Ein Kerem Hospital says, "You're having surgery today." Is it great? The head of Hadasa Ein Kerem Hospital. I didn't know him. I never met him. I've been there for a month. Apparently, he knew me. Not that long afterwards A very righteous Jew, whose name is Doctor El Mogi Who had been my doctor for the last month Where I developed a very close relationship with him.

10:21 He was the head of one of the surgical units of Adas Ein Karem Hospital. He walks in. I'll never forget. He walks in and he closes the door behind him. Usually, they don't close hospital doors. They close the hospital door behind them. It was just me and him, my wife and my father in the room. And Dr. Al Mogi says to me, "Do not have this surgery." I was confused. I said, 'What do you mean?' The head of the hospital said I should have the surgery. He said to me, 'Listen, I'm telling you' The only reason he wants you to have the surgery is because if you leave the hospital now You're still responsible for you. You, we thought I was going to have the surgery at the end of the summer. He said they're going to be responsible if anything happens to you over the next two months. And they don't want to be responsible, so they're going to give you the surgery now.

11:13 Don't do it. So who do you know? How do you know what to do? You have the head of the hospital is telling you the right thing to do is to have the surgery. Al Mogi, who's my doctor, who I trust The guy who saved my life over the course of the last month is telling me not to have the surgery. So I had an idea. I said to Al Mogi, "Tell me what it would cost." I'll hire you privately to do the surgery. Tell me what it's going to cost. Al Mogi looks at me and he goes I won't do it. I won't do the surgery. It doesn't matter how much you pay me. This surgery is immoral. I said, "What do you mean it's immoral?" He said, "They're just trying to get you out of the way." Do you know how inflamed your body is right now? If we cut you open in order to get to the area that needs to be taken out, we're going to have to cut out parts of your intestine. You're going to have flu-like symptoms for the rest of your life because the part of your intestine that we're going to cut out is the part of your intestine that absorbs a certain vitamin that fights the flu.

12:17 This surgery is wrong. And he left. He said, "It's up to you. It's your call." I didn't know what to do. In the end, the same Spartan nurse told me that I should start fasting. Not that long afterwards, she came in and she said, "Leave the hospital right now." I said, "What do you mean?" She said, "Al Mugi got you signed out of the hospital. The head of the hospital doesn't know, and they literally rushed me out of the hospital." Two months later, I came back and had surgery. And Baruch Hashem, the surgery went well. I learned a tremendous lesson. Surgery is not for the unwell. That's only emergency surgery if they don't have a choice. You have to be strong to undergo surgery. Your body has to be ready for it. Yom Kippur is a surgery. Slichos is a surgery. A guy who gets up and says 'Ashamnu, v'gadnu, gazalnu,' he's in danger and he doesn't even know it. What's the danger?

13:18 The danger is that you are going to start to identify with your averus. You are not going to say, "I did a bad thing." You are going to say, "I am a bad person." And that is deeply unhealthy. There's no mitzvah of tshuva that involves saying, "I'm a bad person." We are not our lowest moments. We made mistakes in our lives. We didn't always do the right thing. But chas v'shalom for anybody to look at a person It's not just that you did something bad. You're wrong. You're a mistake. You are bad. And so many people in the world today don't know the difference between healthy guilt and unhealthy toxic shame. Guilt is I'm a chelak elu kamimal, I'm a piece of Hashem And I didn't behave in a godly way. That's a healthy thing. Kids like to say no regrets. I have no regrets. Adults regret.

14:23 And adults are capable of regret because they say, 'I don't want to do that again. That was a mistake. That doesn't feel good.' Had lunch today with a couple of chavra. We're talking about a certain program that they want to run in yeshiva. I was so impressed. This guy said I don't want to create a program for guys to go on streaks. I don't want to create a program for perfection. That you either did it or you didn't. Because if a guy is streaky and he goes, 'Look, I'm good. I'm perfect.' And then when the streak breaks, what does a guy say? I guess I'm not. I guess I'm broken. I guess I'm a nothing. He said, "I want to create a program where a guy could be imperfect" But he's oriented in a certain direction and he's working on himself. Call Hakavod to him.

15:13 Ashanu bekai. I see he's a real mivaser guy. He knows that the avoda is not to be perfect. We're going to make mistakes. There's no getting around it. The shilu is you identify by your mistakes. There are people in this room; they're perfectionists. They either know how to be unbelievable or they know how to be nothing. A normal, healthy person can make mistakes because they know my mistakes don't define me. They can take risks in life because they know even if I fall, it's okay. We're in danger because we're going into the zman of slichos, the zman of ashamnu, bagadnu, gazalnu, and I'm nervous that there are guys in this room that are going to think to themselves, "I'm a nothing." I'm not as good as this guy. He's in beis medrash till two o'clock in the morning. Look at him; he's shuffling like he's having a seizure. I'm not as good.

16:07 But you're you. Be you. Be authentically you. And you made mistakes. If you're a healthy person, you could say Hashamnu, Bagadnu, Gazalnu, and you could say it not chas v'shalom with pride, but you could say it out loud because you know my worst moments don't define me. As a boy in this yeshiva, I'm not going to say who. Believe me, half the time that I'm speaking, I want to call out these boys' names because they're amazing people, but unfortunately, they don't know that they're amazing. As a boy in this yeshiva that came to me And he was talking to me about how he sees himself And he said, "Rebbe, you don't understand." I'm nothing to my parents. I was nothing in my school. All I was a problem. All I was a moron. All I was a fool. I was looking at this boy, and I'm like That's so strange.

16:54 I don't see you that way at all. I don't see you that way at all. It doesn't matter how I see him. It matters how he sees himself. So this guy's walking around, and he's acting like a fool. Why is he acting like a fool? Because he's been told his whole life he's a fool. So we'll live up to the expectations that people set for us. That's a tragedy. That's a tragedy of epic proportions. What does it mean, Lo Shacharti? I'll tell you what the Mishnah Avot says. The Mishnah Avot says Chapter Three, Mishnah Eight. The Mishnah says, if you forget one word of Torah Ki Ilu M'shayev Benavsha. You know what that means, Rabbi? It's like you're dead. It's like you're dead because you forgot one word of Torah. Uriel, you and I have forgotten words of Torah. I don't want to admit it.

17:47 Some people in this yeshiva are very smart; they learn a lot of Torah. But even people who are very smart, even people who learn a tremendous amount, we've forgotten. What does it mean? I forget one word of Torah. Mischayev Benafsho. You know what the Talmud says, Rabbi? You don't forget your name. You don't forget your name. You're not liable to the death penalty if you forget one word of Torah. It says ki'ilu But Torah should be so chashav to us that it's like how could I possibly forget it? I want to tell you a meisah. I want to tell you a meisha. A Rebbe in this yeshiva had a conversation with a boy from ten years ago. And the boy Now he's married with children, an unbelievable guy. He was talking to this Rebbe, and he goes, 'Rebbe, do you remember that conversation we had when I was shana halef?' And the Rebbe didn't skip a beat. The Rebbe goes, 'Of course, I remember that conversation. You were doing this at the time, and you were engaged in this, and this is what was going on.' And the boy was astounded.

18:43 He said, "Rebbe, how do you remember?" I understand why I remember. For me, that was a huge conversation. It was a life-changing conversation. But Rebbe, you've had thousands of conversations with talmidim over the years. How could you remember? And the Rebbe said, "Because it was important to me too." That's a great Rebbe. We don't forget the people that are important. We don't forget the conversations that are important. And when you identify with the Torah, you don't forget words of Torah. People talk about Chazara. Chazara is the key. Chazara is critical for making sure you understood the Sheir. You want to know how to remember Torah. It's your essence. It's your soul. You remember the words of Torah like you remember your own name. There are shiurim that people can remember from years earlier. I remember when my rebbe said this. I remember when my rebbe said that. You know why?

19:37 Because when you learned that Torah, it was your name, it was your essence. Lo yishachacti says the farmer. I didn't forget. What didn't I forget to make a brach? A bracha means I connected something back to its source. That I didn't look at a cup of water and think it's just a cup of water. But I remember everything comes into the world through the word of God. That's what a bracha is; it's connecting something back to its source. Loishachhti says, 'This farmer, I was taking truma, I was taking maizurishon, I was taking maizurani, and I did it perfectly.' Rabbi Ishlam, you know why? Because it was you. It wasn't just another performance of a mitzvah. I connected it back to you. You know why I took truma? Because you told me to take truma. You know why I told me to take maaser? Because you told me to take maaser.

20:27 I'm connected with you, Hashem. That's what the farmer says. Lo yishachachti. These weren't just activities. I didn't do it to be a balchess. And I did it because it was the word of God. And now we can understand why it's called vidui. Because when a person says this is me And they say, "I did good." I did good. Lo yishachachti. I did the activities and I connected to the Rebbeinu Shlom. That's my essence, and I confess. Vidui. I confess, Rebbeinu Shlom, I am yours. I belong to you. That's who I really am. One of my favorite stories ever. It's a small story, two seconds. A man came to the Labavitcher Rebbe and he said, "I'm not going to shul on Yom Kippur." The Rebbe said, "Why?" He goes, "I'm tired of faking. Three hundred sixty-four days a year, I don't go to shul. Now I'm going to go to shul on Yom Kippur, and I'm going to sit there and act like I'm from. I'm not from. I don't keep Shabbos. I don't keep kosher." The Rebbe looked at him and goes, "You're right. I agree. You're a faker."

21:24 Three hundred sixty-four days, you're a faker. One day, be the real you. Vidui Meiser means that before a person could come to slichos. Before a person could come to Yom Kippur and say "Ashamnu ba'Godnu," he has to be able to say, "Rabbanu Shlalom, I am yours. I have godly dignity, and now I can say those behaviors were beneath my dignity. Now I can have healthy guilt and not toxic shame. Only if you're willing to do a vidui meiser." Rav Huttner's eichatzadik lebracha. The God Ladar, the Rashiv of Chaim Berlin, was famous. He famously said there were two schools of mussar in Europe. There was a school called Navardik and a school called Slabadka. Navardik was all about katnus haadam, making yourself feel low, making yourself feel like a nothing. Slabadka was all about gadlus haadam, recognizing that every single Jew is a chelak l'kamimal. In America, Rav Huttner said you don't really find people learning Navardik Mussar anymore. Slabadka Mussar is everywhere. Why?

22:23 Explained Rav Huttner Because in order to be a nothing, first you have to be a something. In Europe, people knew they were a something, so they could work on themselves to be a nothing. He said, "In America, people don't have a sense of self; they don't have self-esteem. You can't do surgery on those patients; they're too weak. You have to build them up with slabadka musser." Now I know what you're going to say. It's probably there's probably some shonah bad guy in the room right now. He's probably very serious. And he learns a lot of Gemara. And he's probably thinking to himself, It's a nice little Hasidic vort that Rebberg said. Go learn Tanya. We'll learn Gemara. Tell all the guys not to go to Tanya Shire. Whoever you are, I'm talking to you. And think to himself, 'Come on, Rebbe' Isn't it real? Isn't it real to say 'Ashamnu, Bagadnu, Kazalnu'? Isn't that the real tshuva? Maybe you're just giving to us 2024.

23:25 Maybe you're just making nice to us. Chaver, I want you to know. Every single thing that I said to you tonight There's nothing kitschy about this. There's nothing fluffy about this. It's a matter of life and death. It's a matter of life and death for a person to show up to Yom Kippur. And there's going to be guys that are so emotional because they're going to start to think, what did I do in high school, and who was I coming out of summer after tenth grade, and who was I coming out of summer after eleventh grade, and I was already different, and I made some mistakes, and they're going to start to feel badly about themselves. You should know, Rabbi Yisai, they're running off a cliff. They're running off a cliff. The avoda of Yom Kippur has to be like the Gemara says. For those who think I'm being fluffy, for those who think I'm just saying over some chasidus. It has to be the happiest day of the year.

24:16 And in our yeshiva on Yom Kippur we dance And when we say Loshana Bab Yerushalayim at the end of Yom Kippur, we're going to be dancing. And we're going to be happy And we're going to know that our Kadosh Baruch Hu be Ezed Hashem has forgiven us. What will the verdict be? We don't know, but we know that in the eyes of the Rebbeinu Shalom we're innocent. Halavai, that we should be zeicher to see ourselves through the eyes of Hashem.