Yom Kippur: The Possible You

2:27 Question number two: If Hazal say that the two happiest days of the year are Tuba and Yom Kippur, it must be that there's a connection between the two of them. It wasn't random. There's something about these two because it doesn't say the top three; it says the top two. What's the interconnection that exists between Tu B'av and Yom Kippur? Those are the two questions. A third question: Kol Nidre. Anyone know what the Tefilla of Kol Nidre is about? What's it about? Correct, Kol Nidre Is all the nedarim and all the shvuos, anything that I've said over the year that's like a binding thing. So we're saying I've released myself from my vows. Girls, you know the niggun. Have you ever been there for Kol Nidre? How does the tune sound? Sombre, serious. Kol Nidre. It's a serious song. It shouldn't be that serious a song.

3:36 It should sound like this, all the vows that I've you know it should sound like bedikas chametz you know I say like kol chamira v'chamid v'ikiv v'shusu you know like imagine if when you're saying kol chamira if you're being mevatel your chametz you're like kol chamira v'kol chamira it's just it sounds very strange you're just being mevatel your chametz so if I'm just being mevatel my nedarim if I'm just being matter my nedarim and saying okay I'm not bound by these nedarim anymore what's the serious tone of Kol Nidre and why is it first The very first thing that we do on Yom Kippur that sets the tone for all of Yom Kippur starts with Kol Nidre. So far so good. So we have three questions so far. The second part of the Kol Nidre, it's very serious. It's first of all, it seems overly serious for the content. The content is just being matter nedarim And second of all, when something is the beginning of something, that sets the tone for what's to come. If something is, let's say, Chassid Shalom, you had a child that at a very young age, I had this one. It's not with one of my own children, but a kid that I taught when I was teaching special ed. This kid had the most terrible affliction. He fell on his head when he was a child.

4:51 And as a result, he developed what's called language delay. So he would know in his head the answer to a question, but it would take him sometimes thirty seconds, sometimes two minutes, sometimes even five minutes to be able to say it. So I would call on him in class. He would raise his hand. Ooh, I know the answer. Little fifth grade boy. Ooh, I know the answer. I'll call on him. I say, yeah, and he'd go like this. And he would get frozen. He couldn't get it out. And so I'd say I would try as gently as I could to say to him, we're gonna continue on. As soon as you're ready, you just let us know what the answer is, and we'll go back. I would continue with the lesson, and sometimes five minutes later, he'd blurt out. Yosef, like he would blur out the answer, because it would literally take him five minutes. When you hurt something In the very beginning of the thing, it has an impact in the future. If you're setting the tone, so to speak, for all of Yom Kippur, it's like all of Yom Kippur is in that initial moment of Kol Nidre, and now the rest of it is just like the flowering of that seed.

5:50 So why is Kol Nidre of all the tefilos that we're going to start with? Let's start with Vidoy, Ashamnu, Ba Gadnu. Especially if you're in yeshivas and you see like Like the really tough guys when they're doing a shamdu bagadnu, it's like they're in the gym. Shamdu bagadnu. I'm like, calm down. It's like they're benching. I can bench one eighty. Shamdu bagadnu. I'm like, you're gonna be a cripple by the end of Yom Kippur. See guy afterwards, Yom Kippur. How was your fast? It's like I'm so sore. I was like, okay. Girls, you see them like, shamdu bagadnu. It's something in between those two things. It's like the whole of Yom Kippur. It's like already embedded in Kol Nidre. Why? What's Kol Nidre? Let's start off with a powerful tefila. Why is it Kol Nidre? I want to describe to you a mashal. I believe it's a very powerful mashal. I believe it's a very profound mashal.

6:51 And I hope you'll come with me on this. It's a little bit long, so stay with me. It's just a martial story. Is of a young man meets a young woman And he instantly knows she's the one. First date, one and done. Comes back Tells his parents. He's like I met the girl of my dreams. This is the girl I'm gonna marry. We're gonna go out for a little bit, just so I could Not feel so awkward. But honestly, if you give me the opportunity right now, She's the one. Parents are so excited. He's so excited. She's so excited. It's amazing. They go out for a short amount of time. Both of them are just holding back for no real reason, just because of societal norms. But they know that's the one. A month later, they're like, "Forget it. We're engaged, right?" There wasn't even a formal proposal. It's just on one day, they're like, "We're engaged, right?" And they're like, "We were engaged two weeks ago. We just got right. Everybody knows we're engaged. That's it. We're good, okay?"

7:54 So the relationship starts off with a bang. It's amazing Beautiful relationship. The engagement comes So exciting. It pressures like with any engagement. Preparing the wedding They have to get the timing ready. Her sister is pregnant, so they have to push it off a little bit. His brother is expecting a new job. Everyone's like they like working around. But finally, they get the date. They get the hall. She gets the dress of her dreams. He bought a suit. His mother bought a suit for him. Like a week before the chasuna, they say goodbye to each other. They're not going to see each other for a week. It's heartbreaking. I can't believe I'm not going to see you over the course of the week. The whole week, he says, I know what I'm going to do. Every single day, I'm going to send this girl something. The first day, he sends her flowers. The second day, he has his best friend dress up in a giant bear costume to deliver her a teddy bear. I'm not saying that that's something I did for a friend of mine. I'm just saying randomly as part of a marshal.

8:58 A marshal is a parable. It's not real. Just that one part of it may or may not be real. The every day he thinks of something And every single day again they're not talking. She sends him a message, and she always sends messages in the cutest way. He's learning one of his svaram, and a letter falls out that she had written and planted there beforehand. Everything is so mushy, gushy, you know. But it's beautiful. But it's a little bit too much. But it's nice. And it's really amazing. The day of the chasna, and she's already in the hall, ten o'clock in the morning, getting her makeup done, and everything is perfect. And he shows up to the hall at some point, and then they have the pictures separate, of course, because we want to make everybody wait for as long as possible after the chuppah before the chasen and kallah come out, at least an hour and a half, because we're super.

9:53 And when he finally sees her by the badekin It's like their faces are Like we haven't seen each other for one whole week And all of his friends are dancing behind him, and all of her friends are crying, and it's amazing. What could be more amazing than that? And he goes and he gives her a bracha Because that's what you're supposed to do. Nobody told me that when I was a chassid. So when it came to the pedekin, I had always just seen the chasanim get up. Nobody told me you're supposed to give your kol ha-bracha. So I went over there, and she was expecting this beautiful bracha from me. I went over, "Hey, what's up?" And she's like "Really?" I'm like What were you expecting? That was the beginning. If you understand what I'm saying, that was the beginning. Gives her a beautiful bracha, and it's amazing, and the dancing is amazing, and Baruch Hashem, married. Geshmak.

10:46 Sheva brachos. They show up casually, late. An hour late to every single one again because we're frum. The frumest thing we could do is make Kallah Israel wait an hour late to every single one, and everyone's putting on a show for them. It's amazing. And when you ask this beautiful Kallah "How are you doing?" she says "Amazing." He is amazing. He's a balmedos par excellence. He picks up his socks. He picks up his socks. This is a big thing when it comes to marriage. You'll learn about this. The greatest frustration. I speak to women all the time. The greatest frustration is why can't my husband pick up his socks? I don't know what it is about women that that's so bothersome to you. But men. I'll tell you what I do. I'm not embarrassed to say this. I come home, my socks come off, and wherever they are, that's where they be buried.

11:35 Not interested in putting them away. I know it's not nice. I know it bothers my wife. This guy, he's amazing. He puts away his socks. He cooks. He cleans. He makes Shabbos. He's a bentayra. He learns. He treats her like a princess. Amazing. The end of the first year. How's your marriage? Unbelievable. You ask him how's the marriage? Unbelievable. Fast forward Fifteen years later They've got Kaninahar a bunch of kids. He's got a job. She's got a job. The trials and tribulations of life have fallen upon them. He's been fired. He's had to find a new job. She's she has a job. She's not super happy in it, but it kind of pays well. So they need it to support because they're barely making by as it is. The kids are great, Baruch Hashem. But every kid has his challenge. This one has ADHD. This one gets bullied in school. This one is a know-it-all. But they're all wonderful kids. By the way, that was the same kid I was talking about. The all-in-one kid.

12:38 Ask them how their marriage is. And all of a sudden, it's not amazing anymore. It's good. It's good. It's solid. But the things that never bothered her when they were dating all of a sudden bother her. When they were dating, he did the same exact things, but she was so head over heels in love with him, she didn't even see it. It was like it's not even there. And now all of a sudden, it's 15 years later, and the same cute things that once upon a time he did, all of a sudden now aren't so cute. And it used to be that she saw him biting his nails, and she said, "Oh my God, it's so cute." He's so nervous to be around me. And like now she's like,"Grow up Get a little confidence. You can't show up to your job biting your nails. Be a man.

13:26 And he loved the way she used to laugh, that cute little laugh that she used to have. She sounds like a squirrel, and now all of a sudden it's like, 'Oh, laugh like a normal human being.' All of a sudden the little things grate on each other. And again, they don't have a bad marriage. They don't have a bad marriage, but they have fights. Sometimes nasty fights. Sometimes they say things they really don't want to say and regret. It's not really what they feel about each other. But sometimes the tension becomes so heightened that she'll say something like, "I don't understand how you could be this way." It's like he's like "Ooh, that was like And he'll say things like Can't you just be a harder worker, and she's already working really hard, and all of a sudden there's some friction in the marriage. Friction that fifteen years ago, if you would have asked them when they were dating Do you think this friction is going to be in your marriage? We mean, the perfect relationship. Don't you know how amazing everything is? Fifteen years later, all of a sudden there's bumps in the road.

14:27 In an honest moment In an honest moment, I want to tell you what the couple feels. Here's the word. It's a big word. They feel. They've lost the innocence of their youth. That's the big word. They feel like they've lost their innocence. They feel like the relationship has become corrupted by real life. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could just live in that fantasy? If you talk to them, they'll talk about those beginning years. They'll talk about those beginning vacations before all the pressure started, when the kids were just young and perfect. The worst thing the kid could do was stay up all night because the kid was colicky, because the kid wasn't feeling well. That was the worst thing the kid could do. They didn't have parent-teacher conferences. They didn't have financial stresses because they were young. How much stress do you have when you're young and you're first newly married?

15:18 What does an apartment cost for a year? Twelve hundred bucks a month. It's not a lot of money. I know it seems like a lot of money right now, but it's really not a lot of money. Twelve hundred dollars is not a big deal. It's okay. Twelve hundred bucks a month. They were young and dumb. They never realized, and they thought in that moment, this is what it is. It's perfect. And then a real life hit And all of a sudden, they felt like we were naive. Did maybe we didn't love each other as much as we thought we did? Because if we loved each other as much as we thought we did, then fifteen years later wouldn't we be in that same place? Their friends are going through the same thing. They know their friends are going through the same thing. But they feel like if only I could recapture the innocence of my youth. If only we could go back and somehow hold on to those beginning moments, wouldn't life be amazing?

16:14 So they go to a therapist. And the marriage therapist gives them the tip. I'm gonna give you the tip now, so you can get out ahead of it. If you're in a relationship, lock yourself into this tip because one day it's gonna save your marriage. It's a big one. Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection. Say it again. Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection. And so this is the tip. If this couple Will get together after 15 years on their anniversary. And instead of going out to eat, instead of going to some fancy restaurant and dressing up and just playing nice If they go into a private room, nobody else is there. And they say to each other I want to tell you Really, no holes barred. I'm gonna put it all out there. I want to tell you really. Not what you've done wrong. But what I've done wrong.

17:21 I want to be absolutely vulnerable, and I want to tell you that over the years I know I've spoken to you not nicely. I know that I've been in a competition with you. Where it was like I'm awesome and you're really not. I know that I haven't been supportive. I know that I haven't been empathetic. I know that I tried to solve your problems. That's a huge one, especially for the guys. Have any of you recommended watching? Have any of you ever seen? It's a short three- or four-minute video called "It's Not About the Nail." It's an amazing YouTube video. You must watch it after you share, not now. After you get your phones back, take the opportunity. Type it in on YouTube. It's not about the nail. It's the single greatest guy-girl video of all time. Am I exaggerating? It's amazing. Guys always try to solve girls' problems. The guy says, "I know I've done all of that" But he knows, and here's what's critical: the reason why he can be so vulnerable with her is because he knows that at the core of everything The love that she has for him The she he remembers the love of their youth The love that she has for him It will never go away.

18:37 The bedrock of their relationship is so incredibly strong. No matter what they've done to each other over the last fifteen years, all the stupid fights and all the stupid things that they said to each other He knows that the love is still there. So he's willing to tear it open and go. This is what I've done. What is he asking for? Is he asking for forgiveness, or does he expect to be forgiven? And the difference is everything. Because if he's asking for forgiveness, it means he's not sure. If he's worthy of forgiveness In other words, to make it a little bit more clear, it's like this: If I know you love me And I'm willing to put it out there and say, 'This is what I've done,' then the reaction we expect is you're forgiven. If the reaction is, "I don't know," I need some time to think about it. What's going to be the feeling that the guy has?

19:37 Oh my God Did I actually break this? I thought that the love that we had was the love of our youth, unbreakable, invincible, unconditional. And now, when I put myself out there, all of a sudden, what's the reaction I get? That's scary. So if you come in, one second, if you come in to the relationship and you're like, I'm saying this because I expect to be forgiven. I expect that together we can work through this. Then the feeling you have when you go in there is nervous, because you're about to say some bad things about yourself, but also excited. Why excited? Because you expect that at the end of that very painful conversation Where you really put it all out there on the line, you expect that the feeling you're going to have is the restoration of innocence. That's the goal of that conversation. The goal of that conversation is not to fix the marriage in one day. You know that it could take months or even years to undo the damage that's been done. After all, a marriage that we spent 15 years beating each other up doesn't get solved in a day, and it doesn't get solved in one conversation. We know that.

20:54 But at least the baseline that we start from is: we're in this together. We're innocent. We're back to where we started. Let's build from that place. And now, if you want to talk it through and you want to let me know that what I'm doing isn't okay, I'm ready to listen to you. And you're confident in me that I'm going to listen. Why? Because the bedrock of our relationship is innocent. Girls, what's the difference between shame and guilt? Guilt means I feel badly about the thing that I did. Shame means if you knew what I did, I would be unworthy of your love and connection. Everybody that I've ever met in my entire life suffers from at least a little bit of shame. It's why we hide. Everybody here in this room, including myself, is two people. There's the person that we show to the world. Look at me. This is who I am. That's one version of ourself, and then there's this other version. I would never tell you who I really am.

21:53 Because if you knew who I really am, I'd be unworthy of love and connection. You wouldn't want to know me. You wouldn't want to see me. But if we're innocent. So then, there's no more shame. I might feel guilty. I might feel regretful. I might feel remorseful. But shame Why would I ever be ashamed with you? To you, I can bear my soul. Now tell me Which relationship is more real? The relationship of 15 years ago When they first got married. Where they were so lovey dovey, head over heels, couldn't get off the phone with each other. You hang up. I miss you so much. I can't believe it's only going to be a week, but it's like forever. Which relationship is more real? I'm not making fun of it. I'm not diminishing the value of such a cute, lovey dovey, twenty-year-old relationship, right? It's beautiful. It's nice to be twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, and engaged. It's wonderful. Which relationship is more real? That one, or the one that's 15 years later, when they actually sit in that room and say, "Okay, this is what I've done." Which one is more real? What do you think?

23:02 Is there anybody that wants the first relationship over the second one? The reason why nobody ever raises their hand to that question is because You'll probably get both in your life, but if you had to choose Because it's not true. Exactly right because the relationship of the guy and girl that just met each other and fell head over heels in love with each other, there's truth to it. That connection that they feel is real. Marriage is the reunion of the souls. When we say you found your soulmate, we mean it. Right? That's how sometimes you just know. You ask people, "How do you know?" I knew. How? I have no idea. And by the way, that's right because imagine what words could you possibly fill in. Try to finish this sentence. I love him because, what? Because he provides for our family, he's not a bank.

23:54 And if that's the reason you love him, then you love money. You don't love him. Imagine if I said to my wife, "I love you because you're such a good cook." I mean, empirically, that's obviously true. Then I don't love you. I love food. I love her because she's such a great mother. Then I love my kids, not her. I could hire a nanny for the same money, probably cheaper. You can't answer the question of why you love someone. Nobody ever has, and nobody ever will. By the way, the best we can do when we try to explain to people why we love someone is we make music out of it, we write poetry. We create great art because we can't put it into words because it's something soulful. So that twenty year old kid That connection is so beautiful. It's a soulful connection, but nobody ever chooses it. Why not?

24:46 Because there's something greater than being innocent. The greatest thing is not innocence. The greatest thing is the restoration of innocence. And here's what that's looked like Meaning, after 15 years with each other After 25 years with each other, after 35 years with each other Through all of the garbage that we've put each other through We can still find each other in the dark. So it's like Rav Levi Yitzchak Meir Ditchov said We're all playing a game of hide and go seek with God. And I'm finding him everywhere. The greatest bracha you can give a chassan and kallah is that you will play hide and seek with each other. But can you find each other in all of the darkness? It's much more beautiful. It's much more profound to find each other in the darkness than it is to find each other in the light. It's not a big deal when you see someone in the street and you're not looking for them, and all of a sudden they're there. It's great. It's nice to see your friend. But imagine if you were looking for them.

25:42 And then you found them. How incredible that is. That's like the Kala, thirty three years old and she's dated five hundred guys And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, when all hope is lost, the perfect guy is delivered to her doorstep, and she says, "I have been looking for you since I was nineteen years old. I can't believe I finally found you." Her simcha is so much greater than the girl who got married at nineteen because she found him in the dark. So I'm going to tell you a story. It's a story that you all know, but it's a story that nobody ever pays attention to. It's the story of Adam and Chava. When Adam and Chava were first created, they were created as one, back to back. And then God splits them. And He says, "v'ha'yul ba'ser echad, become one." We were just one.

26:28 Why would you? Why would God split Adam and Chava when they were one and say, "V'ha'yul ba'ser echad, I want you to become one again?" We were one. Same exact question, just in a different place. Before we were born, where was our neshama? In Shamayim. We come down to this world, and what's the goal? To go. Let's say this is the goal. I don't think it's true, but let's say the goal is most people think the goal is to go back up. If the whole goal was to go back up, God could have just left us up there to begin with. Same thing like Adam and Chava. If we were up there connected with God, why come down to this world just to go back up to God? And the answer is, and this is critical, because the goal of this world is not to come back to God up there. It's to bring God down here.

27:17 And it's the same thing. Adam and Chava were created back to back. So it's nice that they were one, but they weren't facing each other. They never chose to be with each other. In order for Adam and Chava to have a true relationship, what do they need? They need separation. Or to put it a little bit differently It's not impressive to stay married if you can't get divorced. If there's no halacha of gett. Then what's the value of the fact that we stayed married? The value of marriage is this: when all hope was lost, when we had every reason in the world to get divorced, we stayed loyal to each other and we worked through it. Just like the soul that says, "I came down to this world, and in this world, God, there were times, if we're being honest, I wanted nothing to do with you."

28:04 I wasn't excited to daven. I wasn't excited to show up to shirim, especially not at 7:45 on a Thursday night. I've got better places to be. I wasn't excited to say Tehillim. I wasn't excited to learn a million things. And we stayed loyal to God anyway. What's more exceptional, being a soul up in Shamayim or being a soul down here? It's much more exceptional to be a soul down here. The fact that Chava and Adam were split makes their relationship incredible. They used to be one. They know that the love is there. But they have to find each other in their separation. I want to tell you why most people don't like Yom Kippur. Most people don't think Yom Kippur is an amazing day. Not only do they not think it's an amazing day, they think it's a painful day. Far from being a simchadik day, it's the worst day.

28:56 Most people look at it like this: being shul all day, which is already ridiculous. The women's section, especially since we're speaking to women, is always a quarter of the size of the men's section, even though there are at least as many women there as there are men. But somehow they expect us to sit like sardines. The air conditioning in the men's section is beravchos, and they all have space. The air conditioning in the women's section is like we're huddled together. The body heat is intense. The air conditioning, that fan is about all you have. I'm sitting and saying words from a sitter half the time. I don't know what I'm saying. There's the chazan who's schlepping on forever, who seems to think that this is an opera concert. You know this guy? He loves being up there. He loves making monosyllabic words into polysyllabic words. Every word, if it could be stretched, he's stretching it.

29:49 And it's like you're looking at your watch. I had a cousin who wasn't an Orthodox Jew. He used to come to shul with us on Yom Kippur. He used to play this game. He would look at his machzor, and as we were turning the pages, he would evaluate how many pages we had left, and then he would determine what that was in food. So he would look at it, go slice of bread. Then a little bit later, he'd go. Couple slices of cheese. It was always getting smaller. He was evaluating. You're hungry. You're tired. You're like the Statue of Liberty. Give me your hungry. You're tired. You're poor, yearning to breathe free. This is what it feels like on Yom Kippur. And finally, the ila comes and Baruch Hashem. The question is, how long was davening for you? We had a nice break this year. It was an hour and a half break. You talk more about the break than you do about the davening. You know why? Because we don't feel very innocent.

30:35 And the truth of the matter is, we're not confident that in going back to God on our anniversary, because that's what it was. Rosh Hashanah was the anniversary. That was the day we were born. Rosh Hashanah is the sixth day of creation. So ten days later, God says, "Let's have it out." You've been alive for a while. Let's just put it all on the table. Most of us do not want to do that. Most of us don't want to come and say to God. Here's the list of things that I did, and you'll hear reasons why. Doesn't God already know? That's like saying Doesn't my wife already know that I love her? You ever hear that nonsense? Guys say that. This girl, Rabbi, I understand what's wrong with her. She wants me to say I love her like all the time. Doesn't she know that I love her? Doesn't she know I'm dedicating my whole life there? Of course she knows that.

31:24 But that doesn't mean you don't say it. Rabbi, doesn't she know that I already made these mistakes? She needs me to go and list them. Cause that's what relationships are like. Relationships mean we sit down and we put it all on the table. But here's the catch: nobody ever will be vulnerable if they feel that they're just going to be slapped in the face. Nobody would show up to shul and say 'Ashamnu, bagadnu, gazalnu, dibarnu, dofi' with any sense whatsoever of authenticity, of I actually regret the things that I did. If the reaction on the other side is 'I don't know, let me see.' Nobody would ever do that, just like our couple. But here's the catch: if you know that it's much better to be in a relationship where there's dark times and you work through them, then Yom Kippur is one of the greatest days on the calendar.

32:14 Let's go back to our original question. Tu B'Av is the greatest Yom Tov. Why is Tu B'Av the greatest Yom Tov? Why is it the greatest Simcha? Because it's when they first met. She goes out in the field dressed in white. Why is she dressed in white, girl? Because she is innocent. An innocence is beautiful And the guy comes along and he looks at her and he says, "You" "You're the one I've been waiting for." And it's this amazing moment. That's why they dance in a circle. The circle has been closed. There's a reunion of the soul. It's beautiful. But there is a second day. It's not the day that they meet. It's the day they reunite. Meeting is awesome. Remeeting is amazing. And if we had to choose, we would always choose the relationship that we can find each other in the dark. So Yom Kippur is an amazing day But there's a problem.

33:10 We can come to God and we can say "Ashamnu ba'Godnu gazalnu," and we can leave Yom Kippur feeling innocent. Except there's one problem. It's a problem that we haven't mentioned, but we're going to mention it right now. And you all know this problem. You've all thought this before. I know. I think it every single year. Imagine the following: They have their 15-year anniversary. They go to that room. They have it out, and the guy says, "I commit myself to speaking more pleasantly with you." I commit myself to it. And now a year goes by And they're having their 16th-year anniversary. And again, they get in that room. And he says to her Di bar nu dofi. I did it again. I didn't speak pleasantly to you. I commit myself to speaking more pleasantly to you this year. And then they have their seventeenth year anniversary, and they get back in that room, and he says, "De baru dophia, I didn't speak pleasantly to you."

34:06 I commit myself to speaking pleasantly to you. And then the eighteenth year, and the nineteenth year, and the twentieth year. After a while, what's the wife gonna say? Don't bore me with your apologies. I've heard it before. Everybody that I've ever met struggles with this question. You want me to come to Yom Kippur and feel innocent. You want me to feel amazing. You want me to feel like our relationship is restored. How could that be? I know I'm going to do the same aviras again. What's the proof that I'm going to do the same aviras again? I did them last year. And I'm probably going to do them again next year. How many people here think? Raise your hand if you think this. I hope nobody raises their hand. How many people here think that this year they're not going to say one word of lashon hara? Rosh Hashanah was just a couple of days ago. On Rosh Hashanah, I thought to myself, 'This year, I really have to work on my loshen hara.'

34:55 I keep catching myself saying loshen hara Which is probably loshen hara to say about myself right now. You really think you could feel innocent if you're going to do the same thing over and over again? Why bother? How many people have ever thought that? This is ridiculous. I'm going to keep saying I'm sorry. Wouldn't you lose patience with yourself? In fact, how many people have heard this so often that even right now you're tuning me out? Another rav who's coming and saying, even though you're gonna do it again in the future, still it's important to say I'm sorry. How many people have heard that before? You're turning me out because you've heard it before. We do the same things over and over again. Let's switch places for one moment. Instead of talking about a husband-wife relationship Let's talk about a parent-child relationship. And now I'm going to tell you an actual story.

36:07 Story is I'm going to change only small details so that nobody should try to figure out who it is. Even though I don't think there's anybody here that could. Stories of a young man, somebody I knew. A couple years younger than me Not that far off. Who, in a very difficult time in his life Turned to alcohol as a teenager And the first time that his family found out that he had a substance abuse issue was when in his shul There was a basic minion, and in some of these shuls, especially in his neighborhood. The older men like to make a lechem after davening. You ever hear these people? These old men—they're like 90 years old, drinking like hardcore potato vodka every morning. You know why they live forever? There's no blood left inside of them. It's all slivovitz. There's nice kichel and slivovitz and sponge cake. That's what they're made of. These people will never die. I'm the same. I go back to the white shul. I see these same people from when I was a kid. They were old then. They're ancient now.

37:12 The first time his parents ever found out that he had a problem was when, after Vassik and they went to get the kiddush, he had drunk all of it and was passed out in the shul kitchen. He had broken into the shul overnight. That was the first time. It slowly deteriorated. And some substances went to other substances. It's like, but that's not really a substance. I don't have to get into it right now. You all know what I'm talking about. That's not really drugs. That's just this. That's just that. And then it was like. More and more. The first time he went into rehab, the second time he went into rehab. I have no idea what they're ever saying, but it's amazing. It's funeral master. It's not funny. They say it about a lot of things. His parents. His parents. They kept sending him back to rehab.

38:16 He always came out of rehab and said the same thing. This time it's different. This time I really think it's gonna stink. The parents could have said, "I've heard it all before" But they didn't. Every time he fell, they were there for him. Every time they fell again, it was tough love. A lot of times, they weren't just loving and giving. Sometimes we need to have din. Sometimes we need to have some strict justice, and they definitely gave that to him. Eventually, he sobered up. And today he's a married man. Doing good things with his life. He leads a very different life than his parents. He's not a practicing observant Jew. He's proud of his Judaism, but you know It's not like it's not his thing, so to speak. I had a very difficult conversation with this young man's father many years ago. And he told me something I don't think I'll ever forget in my life.

39:19 He said, "No matter how many times my son messes up" No matter how many times he comes to me and says, 'I fell off the wagon' When he's ready for help We're always going to help him. His father is not a man of means. I don't know if you know this, but rehab costs a tremendous amount of money. But if my son comes to me and he says "This time I need help, and I think it's going to stick," this is rock bottom. You have to do that because it's your kid. So it struck me when he said that because I knew this guy didn't have money, and I knew that rehab was costing him fifty thousand dollars a pop. The guy went to rehab five, six, seven times. It wasn't a simple process. And thank God today he's doing great. But how do you do that?

40:05 How do you dip into your life savings, dip into your retirement fund, and say, 'Everything I've been working for the last 25 years, so that one day I could retire, it's wiped out because you need to go to rehab for three months.' How do you do that? That's like if you're rich, I get it, but if you're a struggling person in your life and you've eked away a little bit of money and that's what you're going to live on for the rest of your life, how do you do that? The answer is so profound. If that's your kid That's what you do. If your kid comes to you and he says This time It's going to be different. You have to keep the faith. You have to hold on to hope because what other choice do you have? We always think Why would God believe me? Why should I be worthy of innocence?

40:52 I've messed it up so many times before. But I want you to stop for a moment. Don't be eighteen or nineteen years old just for a moment. Be forty-five. Be forty-five, fifty years old. If it's your 18 or 19-year-old daughter that comes to you and says, 'This time it'll be different,' is there anybody in this room that says, 'I'll wipe out my bank account just to help you'? Is there anybody that wouldn't do that for their kid? The problem is, we think our dad isn't going to do that for us. All you have to do is come to God and say Kol nidre. All the nedarim, all of the binds that I had that shackled me down, that said, "This is who I am." I'm releasing myself. I'm a new man. Your dad could say, "I've heard it all before," but no dad ever does. They might say that to give you tough love.

41:51 But at the end of the day, if you come to your father and you say I'm gonna change. I need help, every dad in the world falls for it every time. And we'll fall for it as many times as we need to. That's the love that we have for our child. The challenge of Yom Kippur is not on God's side of the equation. God is there, ready to forgive. Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection. You're not coming and wondering whether God is going to forgive you or not. He will forgive you. Because the relationship is unconditional. It's essential. It's real. That's not the question. The question we have is why we should be forgiven, and the answer is because that's what parents do for children. And if you think to yourself that that's not true Ask yourself this: In the hardest times of my life Who would be there for me?

42:50 And if you're wondering if it's your parents, I guarantee you this: As tough as your relationship might be with them Your parents will be the ones that are there for you. I'll leave you with this thought. Imagine the following scenario: Your father gives you 50 bucks. He says, "Go to the mall." I know you're going at night, so here's the deal: I can't pick you up. I can't pick you up. And for whatever reason, you don't have Uber on your phone, or Lyft, or Get, or any of those things. So I'm giving you 50 bucks. 30 bucks to spend. It's going to cost you 20 bucks for a cab back. But here's the thing: when the mall closes, it's in a bad neighborhood. I don't want you in that mall. Take a cab back. Don't spend all fifty dollars on a dress because you're gonna need twenty bucks to get a cab. And now you go into this store and the perfect outfit. I don't even know what these things mean. I'm just trying to make it relevant for you. The perfect outfit is there, and guess what? It's fifty bucks.

43:45 So you're the type of person that says, 'Spend first, ask forgiveness later,' right? You spend the fifty bucks, and it's beautiful, and you're with your friends, saying, 'Oh my God, this is like.' It's perfect. I don't know why girls hold it like. I've never in my life held pants up to myself, and I'm like, I think that looks good. I never done that. I don't like holding this shirt up in its plastic thing and go. I see girls like I see my daughters parading around with clothing in front of them. I'm like, it goes on you, right? It's like Scotch taped on the front. And you're parading around the mall, isn't it amazing? You're twirling in the whole nine yards, whatever you crazy kids do these days. And then it's eight o'clock at night, and the mall is closing. By the way, the mall closes at eight in this Marshall. It's eight o'clock at night, and the mall is closing. You're in that bad neighborhood, and all of a sudden you've got no money to go home.

44:31 So you ask your friends, "Can I bump some money off you?" Guess what? They've got no money either. And now it's dark outside. It's not a safe neighborhood. You're looking around and you're going These are not the people I'm supposed to be hanging out with. Don't be racist. I was watching. Don't be racist. I'm joking. I'm joking. So who do you call? It's funny that you made that joke because in my head I also thought that. Who do you call in that moment? You call your dad. And when you call your dad, it'll probably sound something like this. I told you, because dads love to do that. It's like, I got to make a bracha on the geshmack. Of I told you, not to spend that money. I had an important meeting. I couldn't leave. And then he hangs up the phone and tells the people he's in a meeting with My daughter did a really dumb thing, and I have to go pick her up.

45:35 And then he comes, and it's awkward in the car because he has to give you that speech, and you know what that speech sounds like. I told you. You know how important this meeting was, and this is the meeting that supports you and all those dresses you like to buy, right? It's like the guilt is just massive. But at the end of the day, your father came. You know why? Because as frustrated as he is with you, the love that he has for you is much greater than the frustration. And if you won't call your dad in that moment Your dad would be much more upset at you. If you don't call your father and say I messed up and I need your help, your dad would be like, "Why didn't you call me? I thought you were going to be upset. Of course I'm going to be upset, but you still have to call." Because otherwise, how can I help you? So the question is: Come Tuesday night Will you make that call?

46:23 Are you willing to be vulnerable? Are you willing to put it out there and say to God Are you my Dad? Because I messed up this year, and I'm asking you for help. If you don't believe that Avichem Shabashamayim is waiting for you The problem is not on God's side of the equation. The problem is that we don't have the faintest inkling of how much God loves us.