Bereishis - Stop Pretending and Start Living

2:29 Why didn't you just tell them the math of it? Why do you tell them the story of it? Because a story is actually a more compelling way to tell the truth. So it's important for us to tell these stories to children at six and seven and eight years old. The problem is that if you stop learning these stories deeply at six, seven, or eight years old, or even if you continue learning them only at fifteen, sixteen, seventeen years old, and then at some point you stop learning them deeply, the way you think about it is like it's a very silly story. At best, that's what you think. At worst, you think it's not even true. And so this very often happens. People think the Greeks have mythology, and Judaism also has its mythology. The mythology of Judaism is fill in the blank. There was once a giant tower where they tried to kill God. There was once a giant ark, and that's how they survived the flood.

3:22 One of the stories that is perhaps, and again, you can never say that one thing in Torah is more brilliant than another, but one of the absolute most brilliant stories in Chumash. One of the most brilliant stories in Chumash is the story of Cain and Abel. It's actually a really short story. It's only a couple of pesukim. But the story is laced with so much brilliance and so much truth. And it is an unfortunate reality that almost everybody in this room, including myself, we don't take the opportunity to learn this story as adults. Because actually, the older you get The truer the story is. It does. It not only is it not mythology. You start to realize its brilliance, and what's amazing about Torah is that it's very different than math. When you learned in first grade that one plus one equals two, that was the only time you ever realized the brilliance of one plus one equals two. After that, it was a fact, and you don't really appreciate the brilliance of one plus one equals two when you're 60. If you're a mathematician and you're 60 years old and you're studying one plus one equals two and you're like, 'This is fascinating,' I think that's weird.

4:29 Because that's like you did it already. You learned that at six. It's a fact. It's now a postulate. We don't do anything more with it. We build off of it, but we don't do anything more with it. Torah is exactly the opposite. You could learn the same pasuk and chumash for 50 straight years, and in every year of your life, as you revisit those stories, you'll see that the story continues to unfold, giving you deeper and deeper levels of appreciation of its truth. And so tonight, I just want to take a small example, and this is not even its full depth. I just want to take the psychological approach that I think is relevant for every person in this room. The psychological approach to the story of Cain and Abel as an example of how brilliant Torah actually is. Again, I just want to be clear: this is not the ultimate expression of Torah. If you would sit down with a great makubel or a great Hasidic master or a great tzaddik, a great tamu chacham, and you would look at these psukim, you would find significantly deeper things than the things I'm going to share with you tonight. I'm only using this as a surface example because I want you to grow to appreciate how much is there underneath the surface.

5:39 And really, what we're going to do tonight is only scratch the surface. But I hope that it'll be very meaningful to you because for me, this is one of the most meaningful stories in Chumash. I will share with you. I'm embarrassed to admit this. That even though I always found significant depth to the story of Cain and Abel, a couple of years ago, I heard from Jordan Peterson. I don't know if you're familiar with Jordan Peterson. I was listening to a lecture from Jordan Peterson. And he's a complex person. I don't know that I agree or appreciate all the things that he says. But one of the things he said was The Torah is true, and I know the Torah to be true. No human being could have ever come up with the story of Cain and Abel. No human being could have packed that much wisdom into just a short amount of sentences, and it's true.

6:25 And the truth is, even though I knew it when Jordan Peterson said it, I was like whoa It's really true. In these just a couple of psukim, you could write textbooks on really understanding unbelievable, profound truth. And so tonight, I guess I just want to scratch the surface of something I think that's very meaningful for all of us. Some of you, I said in the beginning, may not appreciate this. Because not everybody appreciates psychological language, and so sometimes what happens is that when we hear a sheir like this, we sort of For those of us who are not inclined to use this type of language, I'll do my best to unpack it for you in a way that's easily understandable. Not because you won't get it, but some people don't necessarily appreciate the psychological language. I'll do my best to use normal words. Therapists don't use normal words. No human being before therapists ever said, 'I really value holding space for you.' Those words never came out of anyone's mouth.

7:24 Just say that. And that's very true. But I'll do my best to use normal words. But the concepts that I want to be unpacking tonight are deeply psychological concepts that I think every one of us engages in. So far so good. You can come along with me for the ride. Just say that. I want to review the story just on the outside quickly, so that we can get sort of an appreciation for a 360 degree view. The truth is, I could go deeply into every single word, but I don't want to do that tonight. Sometimes you have to step back and just appreciate the story for what it is. So let's review the story. Adam and Chava have sinned. They're at a Gan Eden. That part of the story is over. They have children. Cain and Abel. What do we know about Cain and Abel? We know that Cain was a farmer, and what offering does he bring to Hashem? What's his karbon?

8:17 Fruit, right? He brings fruit. What exactly was it? Maybe it was flax. Rashi says, right? What exactly was that offering? We don't know, but one thing we know about it: it was fruit, and he does not bring of his best stuff. In fact, he might even have brought from his poorest stuff. And what happens, right? He brings his fruit. Hevel also brought a carbon. What was Hevel? Hevel was a shepherd. Very good. By the way, when I do this, that's your invitation to join me. Hevel was excellent. You're coming along with me. About 30% of you are working on the 70%. It's Thursday night. It's 8:50 at night. You just heard another shir. I have a lot of excuses. Nevertheless, it's my responsibility to be entertaining to you because that's what this is—a great show, right? It's my responsibility to draw you in, especially those people that have challenges with their devices. I'm focused on you. By the way, I can see you. I know that you think I can't, but I want to share with you. Nobody has ever, in the history of the world, done this normally.

9:18 That is not the posture of a human being. Human beings like this, look around. Nobody swipes at their leg. That's a strange thing to do. Let's say it. Still with me? Baruch Hashem. So Hevel brings from his sheep, and he brings what does the Torah say? He brings his fattest sheep. He brings the best. So Hevel is a farmer. He brings his not so good. I'm sorry. Cain is a farmer. He brings his not so good. Hevel is a shepherd, and he brings his best. And what happens? Hashem turns towards the offering of Hevel, meaning he accepts that offering, and he rejects He doesn't turn towards the offering of Cain. Now listen what the pasuk says. This is going to be our first clue for the night. There's going to be a bunch of things that we're going to go through. This is our first one.

10:05 Cain has not one But two emotional responses. Emotional response number one, va'yichal le'kain ma'od He becomes exceedingly angry. Number two, va'yiplu panav And his, as they say in English, countenance. What does that mean? His face fell. What's another way of saying that? He was depressed. So two emotional reactions that need to be understood. Number one, he brings a carbon. He doesn't bring from his best. What are his emotional reactions here? Reaction number one, he gets angry. Reaction number two, he gets depressed. Now this is strange because we know the Torah doesn't waste any words. So the Torah doesn't say that he has one reaction, and it also says it in a specific order. It means first he was angry, then he got depressed. So what's going to be our first question? We need to understand the emotional progression of what Cain goes through. So far, so good. Everyone got that? Another question that you should obviously have. Again, if you weren't born in the five towns in LA, in Muncie, in Chicago, in Lakewood, in New Jersey, wherever you were from. If you were just hearing this story for the first time, you would ask an obvious question. The obvious question is, why didn't he bring his best?

11:22 Remember, there's not that many people on Earth. If you're the farmer of Earth, you probably have a lot to give away. Cain does not bring his best. Obvious question: Why not? So far, so good. We have two questions. Number one: What's the emotional progression of Cain that he went from angry to depressed? Number two: Why doesn't he bring his best? God doesn't accept his offering. Cain is angry. Cain is depressed. Before you, before that. Before he kills his brother, something happens. Again, most of us aren't paying attention to the pesukim because we grew up with these stories, so we don't pay attention. But before you get to the pesukim inside, before I tell you what happened What would you think as a parent? As a parent Your kid says Here's my offering. Your child comes to you and says, 'Mommy, daddy, I want to give you something.' And it's not their best. Let's say they made, they went to kindergarten. I'm making up a story. They went to Gan.

12:22 They made three pictures and gone. They liked two of them the best, so they put those pictures in their room. They took their worst picture and gave it to you. And you say to the child This child, I don't know if you say that. I don't know if you say to the child. 'No, thank you.' Now the kid is angry and depressed about what you said. What would your next parenting move be? What would you do if you didn't look inside and chumash? What would your next move be? Talk to the kid. Talk to the kid, and what would you say? I would ask him, "Why are you sad?" Is that like. I would probably do that. That seems to me to be a really psychologically healthy approach. We're gonna hold space for the child. No It's okay. You can hold space. There's nothing wrong with holding space. We're gonna hold space. We're gonna tell the child your feelings are valid. Everything you feel today is valid.

13:17 What was that? That's gentle parenting. It's right, and now we're going to talk about toxic gentle parenting. So. Can I also explain why you did what you did? Sure. And God doesn't have any of these reactions. Let's look at the reaction that Hashem has to Cain's anger and depression. God says to him, again, I'm not going to read it in the Hebrew, right? I'm just going to read it into the English, right? He says, 'Why are you angry? Why are you depressed?' These are literally the words of the Chumash. Whoa! One second. Let's actually continue the psalmod. We'll see if that's true. He says, "Why are you angry? Why are you depressed?" Right? One second. Right away. Give me a second. Let me cook. I don't want to self-glaze too much But that was legend. Thank you. I'm far, far from mid. The Ezra Hashem, this is the first of many Tomer Devora moments. You should know there's a thing in Tomer Devora that when you do something and you lose control of the room, that's called a Tomer Devora moment. It happens usually two or three times a year. I have to regather the room. This is the function of being an ADHD Rebbe at nine o'clock at night with an ADHD audience. We're all trying.

14:45 We need an ADHD mist, like a riddle in mist, to shoot from the ceiling. Stay with me on this. It's good. First of all, you should know Why is a nasty Nasty thing to tell people when they're having an emotion. We don't ask why when someone's having an emotion. We get curious. We say, 'What's going on for you?' Why implies judgmentalism. By the way, try it at home. Next time someone's having a feeling in front of you, go. Why are you upset? It's why isn't it? Why is an intense word? By the way, you'll notice that if you're in therapy, they'll never say what's coming up for you right now. They use any word but why. There's a reason for that. First of all, why is not necessarily known. We don't always know why we're doing things. But second of all, why comes off as exceptionally judgmental. And by the way, if you look at the next pasuk, it doesn't appear that God is saying tell me what's going on for you. Because actually, He starts to give him what appears to be almost like mussar.

15:45 He says Why are you angry? Why are you depressed? Is it not true that if you do good, you'll be forgiven, and if you don't do good, sin is crouching at the entrance? And its longing is towards you Yet you can rule over it. This is a very strange thing for God to say. God says, "Listen, why are you upset?" If you do a good thing, you'll be forgiven. And if not "Sin is crouching at the door." This is not. This does not seem to be the pep talk. Any of you, you are holding space. You are curious. What's going on for you? God goes. You got a choice in front of you. Either do a good thing and be forgiven, or do a bad thing and sin is lurking. That's a very strange thing to say. I personally wouldn't have said that to my kids. What is going on? What is the inner message of what Hashem is trying to communicate? So that's another question.

16:37 Then the next thing in the story, you mentioned it before. The next thing in the story is immediately after God says this. Hi. Immediately after God says this, God says, "I know, it's hard to believe. I could see through people. People like think there's like a pillar in the room, you can't see through. People are not pillars. And I once heard a she'er. Like a girl was talking in the middle of she'er, and this rabbi got up and he goes, "I'm talking to you." She said, "You're not talking to me. You're talking to the room." He said, "Who's the room made of? People. I'm talking to the people. Stay with me." God says, "Look, if you do good, you'll be forgiven. If you do bad, sin is crouching at the door." What's the next thing Hevel does? He kills his brother. That's clearly a choice he made. He murders his brother.

17:24 Obvious question we should ask again: If you hadn't learned this when you were seven or years old in first grade in wherever you went to school, you would go, "Why?" Why did he murder his brother? These are easy answers, and I don't want to use easy answers because it's easy to throw out jealousy, that's what we learned when we were seven. But we have to have an emotional theme. You're right to think that there's an emotional theme that's running through the story. We need to unpack it. Next thing God does. Next thing God does is God says Where's Hevel? Now, this is the second time in Chumash we've seen Hashem do this. God goes Ayyeka, where are you? After Adam and Chava's sin, He goes, Ayyeka. Now He does a similar thing. He goes, Where's Abel? And Cain has an amazing reaction. Again, if you're a thinking person If you're a thinking person Cain's reaction is, 'Am I my brother's keeper?'

18:25 That's a very sarcastic response. One second. One second. Girls, I mean what I say. I'm here to teach. It's important to come along for the ride. It's not for my benefit. It's for yours. Let's do this together. If you're thinking If you're thinking, that's a very sarcastic response and one that we're meant to learn from. Wait, it's the one who got in, like these two. But who murdered? Cain killed Abel. Cain killed Abel. God comes and says. Where's Hevel? His response is, "Am I my brother's keeper?" This is a very strange interaction. Again, if somebody came to you and introduced you to Chumash for the first time, you would go, 'What would you say?' You would say, 'God doesn't know where Hevel is.' And what type of reaction is? Cain probably should have gone, 'I killed him' And obviously he should say that because God already knows what happened. This is a very strange reaction. It's meant to teach us something very deep.

19:25 And now, what's Cain's punishment? We'll finish with this. He's exiled. He's exiled. He wanders the earth. That's his punishment. Girls, what's the obvious question? He knew. He knew that he killed him. How would he know not to do the murder thing? So the Mefarshim actually talk about that. That's a very meaningful point that you're making. Did he know that what he was doing was murder? Let's assume for a moment. Hevel's dead. He knows what he did. He doesn't say, 'I murdered him. I didn't realize what I was doing.' He says, 'Am I my brother's keeper?' That's a very sarcastic response. What's the obvious question now? Now he's a wanderer. There's no place. Why is that your punishment? The punishment has to fit the crime. Excellent. And this one doesn't. What was that? Wherever it is, he's not at home. In fact, he's actually nervous because he's a wanderer now and somebody's going to kill him, and that becomes like a whole story in and of itself. But we're not going to get into it tonight. Let's just review all the questions really quickly. Let's see if we could say something intelligent.

20:38 We're getting used to this. It's going to be good. Let's just review this real quickly. Let's see if we could say something intelligent. Number one, there's an emotional progression. What's the emotional progression of Cain? Anger into depression. We need to understand that emotional progression. Number two, why doesn't Cain bring his best korban? Number three, what's Hashem's response? Why are you angry? Why are you depressed? You could have chosen to do good, or you could choose to do bad, and sin is lurking at the door. The next thing that Cain does is he kills his brother. Why does he do that? And then when God says, 'What happened to your brother?' he doesn't. He's not honest. He says, 'Am I my brother's keeper?' What actually is happening there? And finally, how does the punishment fit the crime? That's a lot of questions on one story. So far, can we agree that this story has a lot to be unpacked? I just asked seven or eight questions.

21:30 If we wanted, for hours We could have unpacked every single word of this story, and we could have found literally dozens and dozens of questions that are asked by the Mephorshim. I just cherry picked a couple for a particular shear. I want to talk about. The first thing I want to mention tonight is the emotional progression. Let's talk about that for a second. I think it's relevant to every single person in this room. Anger and depression represent An emotional progression from blame to shame. Say that again. I want to make sure everybody gets this. Anger and depression represent an emotional progression that every single person in this room has. We move from blame to shame. What does that mean? The first thing we do when something doesn't go our way And this is natural. Every person in the room does this until we mature and until we grow up. Every person in the room does this. The first thing we do is we blame someone else because I cannot be accountable.

23:00 I don't know if anyone here has ever been in a car accident. If you've been in a car accident, what's the first thing you think of? Who can I blame? It's the other person's fault. It's and by the way, even if it's not the other person's fault. We blame. Let's say it's completely our fault. We say like I knew I shouldn't have been out driving right now, and this person asked me to. But you chose to. How many of us? The answer is 100%. You don't have to raise your hand. How many people in this room? The first time something doesn't go your way, your initial reaction is anger. And what does anger say? Anger says This is somebody else's fault. It shouldn't have been this way. I didn't do this. This is blame. That's what happens. It's your fault. That's what always comes out in anger. When you're angry at somebody, what are you always saying? How could you have done this? It's your fault. You offload onto somebody else. That's stage one. What's stage two?

24:03 If you're honest It's my fault. But listen carefully now. It's my fault But I'm not taking accountability. Even though it looks like accountability, it's actually not accountability. It's shame. You ever have a moment? I know I've had this moment in my life. You ever have a moment where you go, "I'm going to get honest with myself" And in your head you say all the nasty things about yourself, and you think you're being honest. And actually what you're doing is you're shaming yourself. The first thing is it's not my fault. What's your second movement? It's all my fault. Is that really accountability? If you take responsibility for everything, is that really accountability? Not at all. It lacks complexity and it lacks nuance. And here's the result of that. If you say it was all me, you're not actually taking ownership. It's another way of avoiding it.

25:06 It's another way of avoiding accountability. Here's what we do to avoid accountability, and this is again a very deep tirade. The first thing when we are accountable for something and we don't want to take accountability is we get angry. I'll give you a real life example. We get in trouble in school. So stupid. School is so stupid. Ridiculous. These rules don't make any sense. I don't understand why we have to have these rules. Right. And by the way, you know that's what you sounded like, right? And it sounds very childish because it is very childish. And it's like you got caught. You knew what the school rule was. You did the wrong thing, and now you're getting called out for it. But your first reaction is to get angry. What's your other way of dealing with it? And now you feel like the school told you are bad.

25:59 But is that really what the school said? No. What did the school really say? You did something that violated the rule of the school. So rather than take accountability for that. I'm just getting distracted. I asked, please. Rather than take accountability for that, what do we do? We go the exact opposite direction, and what do we do? Say I'm really a terrible person. But no, you haven't actually taken accountability. By the way, this very often happens in marriage. You get into a fight. And the first thing you do is get angry at each other, and then the second thing you do, and this is just as damaging. If you walk into your spouse because you want to have peace, and you go. It's all my fault. It's not. And by saying it's all your fault, you haven't done what you know? Take accountability for what you did.

26:50 If you're taking accountability, how much accountability do you actually take in life? You take accountability for what you did in your life. Does that make sense? You don't do more than that, and you don't do less than that. So blame, which is anger, and shame, which is depression. These are two sides of the same coin. But there's a question we didn't answer here. Why doesn't Kain bring his best? There's something called outsourcing your self worth. Everybody, again, everybody in the room does this. I will be worthy when you value me. Is that true? It's not true. I will be worthy when I get the best shidduch. I will be worthy when I get the best job. Fill in the blank. Everybody has their fill in the blank. If you outsource your self worth I can promise you this is how you will show up to life.

27:59 You will lack wholeheartedness. I'm gonna try to explain. You ever meet somebody who's really alive Like fully alive They're not afraid to be their full self. In fact, when you meet them, they are really present, really joyful. Being around them is amazing because they are like nuclear reactors. I'm gonna tell you a secret. Every person in this room is meant to be a nuclear reactor of love and connection, and the only reason that we're not is because we show up to life using—and I'm not exaggerating—maybe 10 to 20 percent of the actual God-given energy that we have. Most of us are living life terrified to be our full self. And that is a tragedy. I'll share with you when I first saw this for the first time. It shocked me. When I was in high school I went to elementary school with a group of kids. I was expelled from elementary school in fifth grade. I still knew these kids.

29:11 In high school, I grew up in the Five Towns. In high school, I must have been tenth or eleventh grade. I'm walking down Central Avenue, and I met these guys that I went to elementary school with. And I went over to them, hey guys, how's it going? I haven't seen you in a while. Has everything right? Alive, smiling, happy. And it was the first time I ever saw anything like this. These guys, a group of guys who were normal as children, were healthy, ebullient, really alive people. But all of a sudden, they were way, way cooler than I was. Way cooler. And do you know what it meant to be very cool? If you were in that school in 1996, the coolest thing you could do was basically not talk. That was like a way of being cool. So I'm like, my buddy, my old friend, the guy who I had known since elementary school. I'm like, hey man, how's it going? He's like, so.

29:59 What? Like you forget how to speak? I'm just chilling. Where'd you go? What happened? This is what happens. We mute ourselves. We start showing up to life as other people, and you will never be alive if you are pretending to be somebody else. And so we self-edit. We diminish who we are. Because we're putting on a role, playing somebody that we're not, and we're terrified to show up to life as ourselves. Isn't that the craziest thing in the world? We do this all the time, and here's why: because being live, really being yourself. If you were to get up and be your awesome self You might be rejected. There's unbelievable vulnerability. If you get up, even right now, I'll share with you honestly. This is a tremendously vulnerable situation for me. Because right now there's a group of girls, and I'm trying to get every single one of them. I want you girls to walk out and say, 'Whoa, tonight's shear was the most amazing shear ever.' I'm not just interested in the girls in the front. I'm not just interested in girls in the middle. I want the girls in the back also. I want the girls who are talking. I want the girls who are on their phone. I want every single person here to be thinking that I'm awesome. There's tremendous vulnerability in the room right now because maybe you're going to walk out and go, eh?

31:14 Maybe you're going to walk out and go mid. Maybe you're going to walk out and go overrated. Maybe you're going to walk out and say you didn't understand the word he said. And there's real vulnerability in this moment. So you know what you could do in life, and most of us do this because I'm afraid you'll reject me. I don't show up. I don't give my best. We don't do that all the time. How many girls don't raise their hand? How many girls don't raise your hand? Just do the thing where you make eye contact to betray yourself. How many girls cheated in high school? I know the answer. I don't want to know the answer to that question. I know the answer to that question. I want to know the answer to that question. How many cheated in high school, and how many in the back of their heads right now are going? I don't know if I could do college. I don't know if I'm actually smart.

32:07 I don't know if I'm actually smart. Part of me says, well, I never tried, so I don't know. But what if I actually try and it turns out I'm not that smart? What if I try and I fail? Do you know how many people are going through life? I can't do my best because what if my best isn't enough? And that's the reason you adopt somebody else's personality because if I show up as my full self and I go, hey, this is me, I'm awesome, and people go, no, you're not. You're not at all. You're for a very specific group in a very specific place, and I'm not okay with that. So rather, what I'll do is I'll mute myself, I'll self-edit, I'll adopt somebody else's personality to the degree that you show up here in Talmud Torah at 18 years old and you ask the following question: I don't even know who I am.

32:57 I don't even know what my personality is, what my thoughts are, or what my feelings are. I've adopted so many others. You ever again? I know I've done this, right? You ever see a comedian and then all of a sudden you start talking like them? If I used to watch a certain comedian in high school, I'd come into school the next day. I'd be like, "What you want a cookie?" Like the like. You shouldn't know that. That's from my time. There's a reason why we do that. It's because we're afraid to be ourselves. We adopt the posture of somebody else. If you don't trust me, just look at the world. Just look what's going on in the world. There's a thing in the world today called groupthink. Right. Everybody, and by the way, there's words. You know the words. There's words. These words never existed before. We make up words.

33:44 Regards. I don't know. When we were, I'm a little younger than you. I think maybe two or three years. What? I never heard gaslighting until a couple of years ago. I just learned the word rage baiting. What is that? What is that? Okay. If you don't know, you can see me after class, and I'll catch you up to speed. I feel like as class. And this is our second Toma Devora moment for the night. What is reading tonight? It's my fault. I have to take ownership of this moment. Why do people? Why do we adopt the words? We read these words on social media, we hear these words, and all of a sudden everybody's using them. I never in my life heard of the words 'punching down.' And you girls need to really join me. I'm very relevant. You girls clearly are in the dark over here. Trust me, I have serious brain rot. I know what I'm talking about.

34:55 Why do we all use the same words? You ever see these boys just wearing the same? And I'm talking about like from all communities, right? Everyone's like, all of a sudden you're in like a certain group and you dress a certain way. And I don't just mean black and white. It's like you wear your yarmulke, but you have the poofy hair in the front. You know what I'm talking? Like everybody has Everybody has a certain look. Why do we do that? Why don't we show up as our best? Why don't we give our best offering? Because if I give my best offering I might get rejected. Listen carefully. Cain says, and this is the difference between Cain and Abel. Cain says I can't show up to God Which, by the way, is just another way of saying I can't show up to myself. I can't show up to God.

35:44 I can't show up to God because if I do. And I bring my best. What happens if I'm not enough? And you know what happens? That becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you show up to life and you say, "This is my This is my offering, but it's not my best. Carbon means to draw close. This is what it looks like to be in a relationship. If you show up. By the way, this is you want to know the secret to dating? Show up. That's the secret to dating. The secret to dating is to show up. It's the hardest thing in the world because you're terrified. But the secret to dating is people could actually learn to like you if you'll be there. Most people don't draw close. They don't bring their best offering because they're afraid they'll be rejected. And when they're rejected, what do they do? It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's your fault.

36:31 It's your fault I'm rejected. Or it's all my fault. You hear what happens? You hear how this story is a very deep story. Cain shows up, and already in this story, he's a terrified person. His carbon is rejected. Now listen what God says, because God is an unbelievable teacher. God doesn't hold space for him. God says to him, and this is the most important thing, because in Judaism we actually hold people accountable because we believe in accountability. God says to Kai and he goes, look The choice in life is yours. How you show up has nothing to do with me. You can show up. And you can do good things, and if you do we can be in a relationship. But if you don't If you choose not to show up, you should know this will be your life. Sin really is crouching at the door.

37:24 In other words, you have two choices. Choice number one is you can say, "I don't want to do this anymore." I want to be free. I want to get up and I want to be my full self. I'm tired. I'm tired of putting on an act for the world. And if you do, God says we can be in a relationship. That's what it means to be awesome in life. God says, "Listen" You gotta look in the mirror. You gotta really make a choice. And, girls, this is relevant to every one of you because right now, I promise you Whether you realize this is happening or not, there is a massive amount of masquerading happening in this room. There is an enormous amount of masquerading. I feel bad saying this. I'm gonna say I feel bad saying it. I actually don't feel so bad saying it. I'm always saying I don't feel bad at all. I think it's really important to say. But it's not so pleasant. If we were really growth-oriented people

38:17 If you came here this year not to check a box, not to do 13th grade, not to have another thing on your shidduch resume, if you actually came and said, "I want to break out of the orthobox, and I don't want to just do what everybody else has told me to do my entire life," but I authentically want to be present in this world? I really want to be in a relationship with Hashem. I don't want to daven just because I've always been told to daven. I don't want to daven the same old words. I actually want to engage in this in a completely new way. By the way, if you do that, your life will be changed. It'll be amazing. If you really want to do that Then don't go to a teacher who's going to say to you "I really feel," "I really hear you." Have someone who really cares about you put a mirror in front of you and say Is this the life you want?

39:03 Because if that mirror is in front of you for long enough That's where change starts to happen. If you walk into somebody, if you walk into a friend and your friend just goes, "You're so right. You're so right. It's so terrible what she did to you." That is not a friend. That's not a friend. A real friend says, "Let's actually look at this together." Let's be because we care about the way that we show up in the world. Let's be expansive about our narrative. Let's see what we can take ownership over. That's a really good way of showing up in the world. But we are all masquerading in this room because we are conditioned to masquerade. That's everything that we've been taught in our lives, and that's why we are miserable. We are miserable because we are pretending to be something that we're not. That's why we're going through the motions. And by the way, that's why the good girls are the ones that go through the motions, which is ridiculous, because all they're doing is putting on a better masquerade. And the quote-unquote not good girls.

40:03 And again, I don't know why they're not following. But maybe those girls have an unbelievable opportunity. Maybe the opportunity is to be able to say, "I want to own this authentically." And the truth is, you don't need to throw out the baby with the bathwater. You don't need to stop davening in order to start davening. If you've been davening, guess what? Daven. That's an unbelievable thing to do. Show up to davening in a whole new way. Show up to a shiur and don't run to be on your phone because you naturally assume the shiur is going to be boring and have nothing to offer you. Come to the shiur and say, wait a second. I came to this country. I came to Yerushalayim, not to hear just another shiur, not just to put another check mark on my shiduch resume, but because I authentically care, and therefore I'm present. And this device is destroying my ability to be present because this device, perhaps more than anything, of all of the masquerading that happens, it happens here more. Social media is the ultimate masquerade because the moment something happens, what am I thinking of? How is the world going to perceive this? What's the story that I can tell about this? Nobody goes to a party anymore. You go to a party, and the thing that you think is how can I make the world see this party?

41:07 So you shake the phone, right? You do it with the five people that are there. It looks like a hundred are, but really it's like a pathetic party. There's like five people there, right? So you go, it's sick. Nothing's happening, and that's why every party that you ever went to—not that you ever—I'm talking like a bas mitzvah. Every party that you ever went to. When you come to school on Monday, it's never as it's in the story. It's amazing, but it was never actually that good. Because we're all not living our fullest lives, and you got to hold up a mirror to yourself at some point and go How am I showing up to the world? Stop blaming your teacher. Stop blaming your friends. Stop blaming your parents. What am I doing? What is mine? What is actually mine? Not I'm pathetic, because if you say I'm pathetic, that's just depression. That's not taking accountability. Not everybody in the world was out to get me. That's also not taking accountability. There's a very thin slice of accountability if you actually care to be yourself.

42:02 But the gift you give yourself if you're being yourself is you get to be awesome. What reaction does Cain have? Cain's reaction is murder. Cain's reaction is I'm going to kill my brother. Why does he do that? So it goes like this. Because when somebody holds up a mirror to my face It can be so painful that you have no choice, almost, but to destroy the mirror. And Hevel represented to Cain everything that he wasn't. Hevel showed up; he was his full self. He said, "I'm a shepherd. Here's my best." He was awesome. He was alive. And every moment that Hevel was alive, what did Cain say? He's making me feel terrible about myself. God says you could change. What's his response? I can't. Because remember, what was the very beginning of this conversation? Cain is the person who has zero self-worth. His self-worth is rooted in will you accept me? Will you love me? Girls, you can't be lovable until you decide you're worthy of love and connection. The people that have love in this world, it's for one reason and one reason only. It's because they decided they were worthy of love and connection.

43:20 That's an amazing gift to give yourself. Cain can't handle it. God holds up the mirror. He punches the mirror. He kills Hevel. And what does God say? He goes, "Where's Hevel?" What is God saying? We don't. God knows where he was. What is he saying to Hevel? He's going, 'What did you just do?' And what's his response? His response is an amazing response. He goes, 'Really?' Now you want me to take accountability? Now you want me to take accountability? You're the one who chose him over me. Now I'm responsible for him. Who's Cain blaming? He's blaming God for the mistake that he made because he could not live with himself. And if you think this is a story about anybody but ourselves, this is everyone's story. We all showed up again. Not everybody here, obviously, but we all knew people like this. We all showed up to school. Ravard, how many years were you a principal in Berea?

44:15 How much? I was there for 38, 12. 12 year principal, but 38 years. I've been in the b'asera for 18. So you're the senior man here. So I defer to you in every way. How many times do we As members of the administration, do a very gentle, very reasonable thing and we go, look This is the action. This is the consequence. And what phone call do we get from the parents? How could you do this to my daughter? That's not the question we should be asking as parents. What's the question we should be asking? What did my daughter do? What happened here? But why can't we do that? Why can't we do that? Why can't we actually like? It's because we're afraid. It's because we're deeply afraid. So we say and we hold on to our blame. We hold on to our anger. We hold on to our depression because we can't actually be accountable.

45:11 So God says, "Look, here's the consequence." I told you. You are in control of your life. I told you You are in control of your life. So you had a choice. You could choose. Listen carefully. To be deeply rooted in yourself. You could choose to say, "I am worthy of love and connection." I'm going to show up as my full self, and you know what? If I get rejected, that's okay. It's okay. I'm okay with the vulnerability because I think I'm enough. Or you could shrink And if you shrink, you will blame everybody else and you will blame yourself in ways that are totally unreasonable. And if you do, you might have to destroy the mirror because you can't hold space for yourself. But here's the thing: if you are not rooted in yourself, you're rooted nowhere. You'll be exiled in your life. And this is why people walk around.

46:13 And they go. I don't have a relationship with my kids. And I have a relationship with my husband, and I don't have a relationship with my job, and I don't have a relationship with my school, and I don't have a relationship with my community. It's everybody else's fault that I belong nowhere. And at some point in life, you have to recognize that if you are exiled, if you have no place where you are deeply rooted, you have to ask yourself, how am I showing up in the world that I belong nowhere? Because if you belong nowhere, it might just be something that you need to take real accountability for. There's a famous story. It's not true, but there's a famous story about a rasha shiva that called in one of his talmidim. He was an older single And this guy was famous. He had dated 200 girls. He was a serial dater, and the rasha shiva calls him in. Good rasha shiva, and he says to him, "Tzadikul" You just dated 200 girls. I want you to really think deeply. Let's learn this together, like an iyun sugi. I want you to go into the Rambam of it. I really want you to get into the depth of it.

47:19 Was there one thing that all of those girls had in common that it didn't work out with all of them? And this bacher, because he's a serious bacher. This guy's in the base match. Shem volaily. He's a real baki and shas. He's a real oker harim. He's a real iyun guy. He starts to think and he says to himself: This girl I broke up with because she was this, and that girl I broke up with because she was that, and this girl I broke up with because of this, and this one dumped me, and this. And he goes through all the two hundred girls. And he can't find the common thread. He's looking and looking and looking. He goes, Rebbe, I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe two or three of them were for the same reason, but it's all jumbled. And the Rishyashiva looks at him and he goes They did all have one thing in common. The boy goes, Rebbe, what is it? He goes, You. There are people who show up to life, and wherever they go, it's never enough.

48:09 This friend and that teacher, and this school and this system and this rabbi and this shul—you will be exiled until you discover your own rootedness. And this is why Cain was afraid of being murdered, because Cain's like If I belong nowhere I am at my most vulnerable. And God says, Yeah. If you want to belong somewhere, you're going to have to engage vulnerability. You're going to have to be enough for yourself. At some point, you're going to have to figure this out. I have a Talmud who I think is awesome But sadly he does not. And he's one of these guys when he shows up to life, he's quaking in his boots. He's the type of guy that you meet on an interview when you're interviewing guys for yeshiva, and you're like. So what do you want to get out of your year in Israel? And you know some people have legitimate answers and some people have fake answers. It's like I want to grow. Congratulations. You just said the same thing as every other person. This kid is the kid who, when I met him on an interview, he was shaking.

49:14 He was quaking. I was like, it's okay, I don't bite. And he's like, no, I'm just. I'm like, it's okay, I don't bite. And you know what? I took him into yeshiva because I saw that beneath that fear there is an awesome guy. And he came to mevasseret, and he was an awesome guy. But the entire year, terrified, and then he started dating. And I was like, I don't know how this is going to go Because some girls think that's cute But not most Right? Most, right, and that's true. He only needs one, but most girls, when you show up to a date and you're like, so tell me where you've been, and he's like It's hard to be attracted to somebody who's in such a state of fear. And now he's married. And I have to tell you, the guy that I saw beneath that 18-year-old is the guy who is now an adult.

50:09 He became that guy. In dating, it didn't work out. And every time he showed up to a date, he was terrified. And it just wasn't working. Nobody wanted to date him. Nobody wanted to marry him. And then he finally realized the reason I am not finding connection in my life is because I have not found connection to myself. And so this guy went to work. When I tell you he went to work, I mean this guy really went to work. And all of a sudden, he started showing up. He noticed about himself that the job he had was a job he took because he sold himself short. There are people that do that in life. They take safe jobs because they're afraid they're going to get fired. They'll take government jobs because it's harder to get fired from a government job. They take that job with low self-esteem. This was a guy who took that job because of low self-esteem. You know what he did?

50:59 He quit his job. He quit his job because he said, "I'm worthy of actually having a job that's awesome." And he got it. He quit the job. This is how courageous is. He quit the job with nothing next. He didn't wait and say, "Let me get my next job." He said, "Unless I cut myself off from this life, I'm going to show up small to life." He quit his job. He found a good job, and after he found a good job, he taught himself. He goes, "Oh, I can break the cycle of violence. If I show up to life, people will actually value me for the skills that I have." He started showing up to dates. Now it didn't work out right away, but it wasn't one and done. All of a sudden, it was like three or four and done, and then four and five and done, and then he found a girl who wasn't. He found a girl who said, "Oh, it doesn't really matter to me if you're nerdy. I think you're a person of real value."

51:48 Because he is a nerdy guy And you know what? There's a place for the Pokemon people in this world. But you know There's different types of Pokemon people. There's Pokemon people who own it, and there's Pokemon people who don't. And this is a guy now who became a guy who really owned it. I don't want to give any details because I don't want anybody to know who I'm talking about. I know this is being recorded. I don't want any details. But I want to tell you He has a massive. Leadership position in his community now. If I told you the position of leadership that he has in his community, you would be like, there is no way that that's the same guy that you described as Quaker Oats guy. There's no way Because he chose He chose to show up to life wholeheartedly. He chose to bring his best, and when you bring your best, you actually find your place.

52:40 You want this year to be awesome. I know this is only my second time being here this year. You want to have an awesome year? I can give you the secret right now. There will be girls that go through this year as the girls who check the box. Let's hire them. There will be girls who go through this year, and they'll be the ultimate seminary girls, but they also won't be authentic. They'll just be the ultimate seminary girl, which is just another masquerade. If you want to have a life-changing year, if you want to have an authentic year, embrace the value that you have and all of your godly dignity, and discover wherever you are; that is your place. And that is an unbelievable gift that you can give to your girl. Self, girls, have a wonderful Shabbos. I'm looking forward to being with you this Shabbos.