Bereishis - The First Murder: When Someone Else's Existence Becomes Unbearable

1:57 Two people absolutely know what's going on between them, but they're not actually saying it. You've had this in your life where you had a friend who you were acting with. You were like, each one of you was talking without talking. Sometimes you're playing charades. Sometimes you're playing charades and you're like having the conversation without having the conversation. Here, there's an unspoken conversation. It's obvious that there's a conversation that's happening, but the Torah doesn't tell us what it is because the Torah wants to tell us something is being spoken about without actually saying the words. What was the unspoken conversation? The Medrash tells us there were three options. I want to go through these three options with you tonight because these three options are fundamental for every one of us to know.

2:54 Look at that. Option number one. The Medrash says that Cain and Hevel made the following deal. They said, Adam Harishon is going to die. They're going to leave over the entire world as an inheritance. How do we divide the entire world? That was the question. How do we divide the entire world up? And they came to an agreement. One of them says, "I'll take all the karka. I'll take all the land," and the other says, "That's fine. I'll take all the property." Now they came to this agreement, but as soon as they came to this agreement, one of them says to the other, "You're on my land. You should be flying. I didn't give you permission to stand on my land." And since one of them now owns all the land in the world, he says, "Get off my land. Go fly."

3:53 To which the guy responds, and he goes, "We don't know which one was which." And he goes, "Well, I own all the property, which means I own your clothing. Give me your clothing." This is the conversation Cain and Hevel were not having. They were having it, but they weren't having it. In other words, let's say Cain says, "I own all the land," so he says to Hevel, "Go fly." Well, Hevel says, "Okay, well, you're telling me to go fly. Give me all your stuff. Now you don't have a house. You don't have a bed. You don't have clothing. You don't have anything. You understand?" There's Cain and there's Hevel. And they're in this massive fight, and what does Cain do now? Because they're in this massive fight, they're in the field. Cain rises up and kills Abel. That's number one. Alternatively, the medrash says there's a second option. This one's much frumer. You know what they were fighting about? The base hamikdash. They were fighting about. They said no, it's not. It's not that he owns all the land he owns all the property. They divided the land the property, but now that they divided up the entire world, the question is.

4:53 In whose territory is the Beis Hamikdash going to be put? Is it going to be in Cain's territory or Hevel's territory? Cain says to Hevel, 'You think it's going to be in your territory?' And he rises up and he kills him. That's option number two. Option number three, and this is perhaps the most classic option. Girls, Cain and Hevel, who did they marry? They had sisters, right? Because obviously they had to marry somebody. So they must have married their sisters. So everyone, I heard a couple of people say, twins. You know the Medrash says Cain was a twin, Abel was a triplet. Abel had two sisters. The question became who marries the third sister. Cain said, I should marry the third sister because after all, I'm the firstborn. Abel said, she's my sister. Cain said, yeah, and he murdered him. So what were they fighting about? They were fighting about marriage, girls. They were fighting about girls.

5:51 And by the way, anyone here from England? Tame. I agree with you. That was absurd. This is what people from America do. You're from somewhere else. You're different. The. It's gonna be okay. You're gonna survive. It's just getting to know another obnoxious culture. It goes like this. Rabbi Doctor Chief Lord Jonathan Sachs, of blessed memory. We clap for him. I didn't know that. You don't. He actually makes the interesting point. If you think about it, all war throughout all of human history has been for one of these three reasons: either people fight over territory, religion, or women.

6:47 And it's an interesting thing to think about that the very first murder in human history actually becomes, over time, the same exact reason just played out over thousands of years of history. This is what all wars are about. It all goes back to one of these three things: people fight over women, spirituality, or territory. That's what it's all about. Now we're going to do a deep dive into all three of these things because the truth is, all three of these things are just iterations of one fundamental principle. And tonight I want to explain that principle. And I think it's a life-changing principle if you understand it. And it goes like this. It's a very strange one. Let's look at the first one. They divide it up. This one takes all the land. This one takes all the property. That's got to be the strangest way to divide the world, no?

7:41 If you were the only two people on earth, how would you have divided the world? Fifty-fifty. And by the way, hemispheres—sure, you get these continents, I'll take those continents. There was certainly enough property to go around. This is not like they were fighting about do I have this block or that block. It was half of the world. And by the way, it's such an irrational thing to do that in the second opinion it was like, no, that can't be what they did. But in the first opinion of the Medrash, he says they divided it up land and property. Why would they do that? So I want to share with you something very important. Every human being wants something called interdependence. What does interdependence mean? Interdependence means that you've done the following in your life. We're going to call this one interdependence. I'm not going to write dependence. You'll know interdependence. Every human being goes through three stages. Stage number one is what we call.

8:38 Healthy dependence. Healthy dependence is what you do when you're a child. What does it look like to be a successful parent? It's very simple. A successful parent is someone who a kid can rely upon. That's what it's like. That's so much of parenting children. I don't know if you, if anybody, if what I'm about to say traumatizes you or brings up serious stuff in your past. Please don't raise your hand and go. That was me. I'm sure somebody had this. Were you the kid who was left behind in school? That was bad. I told you didn't have to raise your hand, but you also didn't have to say, you know that kid who's left behind and the parent just forgets to pick them up. What's it like being that kid? New, tell me. It's clearly no, I'm joking. It's clearly you. You're like, what's it like being the kid who's left behind? You know what the feeling a child has? Irrelevant. Or in English, we call irrelevant.

9:34 Very good. You said it differently. You said it in a different language. I speak English. You speak British. It's different. This is part of my egocentricity. Let me have my moment. You dominated the world for a very long time. Now I'm Israeli, so I don't have any of that. If a child can't rely on a parent, then the child does not enter into stage two, which is called independence. A child has to know from a very young age, I can rely on you, and that's what gives me permission to take one step out of this relationship to explore who I am. Does that make sense? If you see a kid and they're just like, I can't leave home. You know what I'm saying? Some people are just so anxious to leave home. It's not because home is amazing.

10:29 It's because they don't know what will happen when they leave. This is a very famous parenting principle from a psychologist whose name was Donald Winnicott. Donald Winnicott said, if a child has a home where he feels very safe or she feels very safe, it's what gives them permission to leave, and then they have healthy independence. When do we have healthy independence? What stage of life is that? That's like when you're a teenager. That's why you try things out when you're a teenager. But a child who knows I can rely on my parents doesn't become independent away from their parents. They just develop their own identity. If a child in their state of teenagehood is like throwing away everything from their childhood, what does that mean? What does that say about the dependence of their early years? It means it wasn't there the way it needed to be. A child ideally has amazing dependence and an amazing independence. And if you have those two stages, then you have the following gift. This is the gift of marriage. It's called healthy interdependence.

11:27 The opposite of healthy interdependence, you might have heard this word before, is codependence. Healthy interdependence means I can rely on you without losing my identity to you. I'm interdependent. I'm dependent on you, but I maintain my own independent identity. What's codependence? Codependence is when I don't know how to be dependent, and when I don't know how to be independent, I can't rely on you, and I give you my identity. Does that make sense? What do you think happens in a marriage if you give your husband your identity? No good. Why not? Because it's not his responsibility to give you your identity. People say, 'What do I need?' This is like a commonly asked question, especially at this stage of life. What do I need in order to get to a stage where I can be in a healthy relationship? What we ideally are striving for is to have a strong sense of self. When I have a strong sense of self.

12:25 I get to be interdependent, and I'm not asking my husband or my wife to make me feel like I'm enough. Think about how uncomfortable that is to carry that for somebody. Imagine you're married to a guy, and he's like, 'Make me feel good about myself. Make me feel enough. Make me feel enough.' What's going to be your reaction eventually? I don't want to do that for you. Why would I want to do that for you? It's your responsibility. The Medrash is telling us an unbelievable thing. They set up an amazing system. I know it sounds irrational at first. Like, why would you take all the land you take all the property? You know what that's called? Ideally, if it would have worked out between them, it meant they needed each other. Because if you have all the land I have all the property, then without you, what am I? I don't have. If you have all the land, where am I supposed to walk? And if you have all the property, what am I supposed to wear? Where am I supposed to live? They. It's not. It's not crazy at all. This is what many marriages look like.

13:21 You take care of these 50%, and I'll take care of that 50%. In some marriages everything is divided equally. We both handle the bills, we both handle the shopping, we both handle cleaning the house, we both make a parnasa. In some marriages it's like that, but in many marriages it's not. In many marriages, and again, I'm not saying one is better or worse, but it's like he has his responsibilities and she has her responsibilities. So that's actually a beautiful thing because it means they can't live without each other. They need each other. That's called healthy interdependence. But what happens when I'm not enough for myself? What happens now if I'm in a relationship where I need you? If you're not enough for yourself, you know what you end up doing? You end up murdering the other person. And I know that sounds extreme. Until you take a second and think about it, if I think about interdependence as terrifying, what am I likely to do to you? If I can't be healthy in a relationship, I'm more than likely.

14:18 To really take my rage out on you, because if you are holding, like you ever see a little kid who goes, like he's hurt, and he goes, 'I don't need any friends.' Were you that kid? You ever get that state? I don't need any friends. I'm fine. Just me by myself. If you have a girl who comes here this year and she doesn't develop any relationships, why do you think that is? Do you think it's because she's enough for herself, or because she's terrified? People are terrified of needing other people. Do you know that? Do you know that there are people that they can't tell other people what they need? By the way, many men are not good at this. Would you like to share?

15:17 It would, but it would happen much worse. We tried it. We try to teach people that in healthy relationships, relying on others is a good thing. To be able to say, 'This is what I need. Can I depend on you?' That doesn't mean you're weak. That means you're in a healthy interdependent relationship. It comes up a lot around gifts, like when wives say to their husbands, 'What would you like?' How many husbands go, 'Nothing.' And actually, what is he doing when he does that? He's robbing you of the opportunity to give, and that's the worst thing you can do because every one of us wants to be needed by somebody else. It's a beautiful thing when somebody comes to you and they say, 'Hey, could you help me?' Some people are like this.

16:15 If you ever go to someone and you go, could you do me a favor? There's some people who go, sure, and then there's some people who go, depends. Why did you do that? I don't know what you're going to ask, and I don't want to be. And it's like, whoa, it's okay. You know how to say no if it doesn't work for you. And if they ask you for something that you could give, that's an unbelievable opportunity to participate in a relationship. Why are you so afraid of being needed, or why are you so afraid of needing somebody else? I'll just take care of it myself. If you just take care of it yourself, you're robbing the other person of the opportunity to participate in a relationship. They actually had a great idea. You take all the land. You take all the property. Great. Now we need each other. We need each other. I'm out. So the second they made this split, it already fell apart because one of them, and this is the key to the entire show tonight, had a weak sense of self. When you have a strong sense of self, which is everything we're here to do in this world. Every one of us are here.

17:11 To develop into ourselves, that's the goal. That's the reason why every one of us was created. We're here to become our actual identity. We're gonna call it insourcing. Insourcing your identity means I find my identity not in you, but I find my identity in me. Otherwise, you're codependent. When you insource your own identity, you're enough for yourself. Now you know how to participate in healthy relationships. So if you can't participate in a healthy relationship, you know what you end up doing. This is what happens all the time. What do you mean? I thought I could rely on you, and now I can't rely. How many wives say this to their husbands? I how come you disappointed me? It's like you're allowed to be disappointed, not every time. Like if somebody can't meet your need, that doesn't mean that you're going to die. But it's like for some people, if you can't come through for me every time, if I can't absolutely depend on you, I'm gonna be crushed without it.

18:06 And they end up taking out their rage and 'quote unquote' murdering the other. This is the first example, land and property. Second example, and this is a big one. I'll do it for yeshiva. This way, you won't feel personally attacked, but you'll see it applies just as much in seminary. There's such a thing called religious competition. Have you ever seen people who become religiously competitive? Now it's a very noble aspiration to be a real Jew and to be growth oriented and to be working on yourself is an amazing thing. What happens when your religious lens becomes relative to somebody else? This is what it could look like in yeshiva. The guy goes, 'I'm going to be the most serious guy in yeshiva.' Now, is that about Hashem or is that about his own ego? It's got to be ego, right? Because why does he need to be the most serious? So now he's in the beis medrash and it's 12:30 at night and he's still sitting there writing up his notes.

19:00 And he looks over to the side and he sees another guy who's still sitting alone. He goes, "I'm not leaving. I'm going to be the last guy in the beis medrash." But you're exhausted and you're not even thinking straight anymore. And you're not going to wake up for shacharis the next day. I have to be. And he keeps looking. That sounds less easy for girls. I'm not the last guy and the last girl in the beis medrash. How many of us have ever done this? You're davening shemone esrei, and before you take your three steps back, you look around and you go, "Shoot, nobody else is done." So you just stay until somebody else is courageous enough to take the first three steps back, and then you're like, "Why do you need to stay? If you davened a legitimate shmona esrei, if that was enough for you, why did you need to wait? It's because it's not just enough to be spiritual. What do you need to be? Good enough relative to somebody else. This is sometimes why you see girls in seminary do it differently than guys in yeshiva. I'm sure you've seen.

19:58 You probably weren't ever looking, but if you were ever once in shul and you saw a yeshiva guy who was like in the middle of getting super serious, and now all of a sudden he's like doing a full cardio workout in the middle of davening. Have you seen this, where he's like? Girls do it too. It's different. Girls do it this way. It's very intense. You've seen guys. Because you're talking. You see that. It's true. You're talking to Hashem, and sometimes they make the face. You ever seen the face? What are you doing? You're in a conversation, right? It's like relax. What are you doing? You're talking to Hashem. It's a conversation. It's real. It's like take a breath. When you see big tzaddikim daven, it's gentle. This performance, and I'm not saying every guy is performing or every girl is performing, but this performance, if it becomes a performance, like why do you need somebody else to see you as like deeply spiritual?

20:55 It's because you're giving them your identity, and spirituality is in every one of us needs spirituality. But what happens is spirituality can become competition. So the next sheetos says as follows: They started fighting. Now again, the words were never said out loud, but what was the unspoken words? The unspoken words are: You think you're frummer than me just because your carbon was accepted and my carbon wasn't. You should know the Beis Hamikdash is going to be in my territory. How do you know? Maybe the bais hamikdash was going to be in my territory. It won't be. You know why? Because I'm going to murder you now. Because if the bais hamikdash would be in your territory, if you would be the frumist girl in seminary, I would have to die. Because my identity is wrapped up in being the frumist. Now I'm going to say a not nice thing, and I don't like to say not nice things. I'm going to say a not nice thing. Last year, every one of us, we all did this when we were in twelfth grade.

21:46 We sat in very silent judgment of all the girls that came back from seminary, and we evaluated them. We evaluated every girl when they came back for Pesach, and we looked at them. And we did this: she did well. By the way, you have no idea what that means. That line of like, he did well in yeshiva, she did well in seminary. How do you know? How do you know what was going on underneath the surface? Why? Because they came back, and now they look in a certain way, so you can tell how they did. None of us have any idea, but we're all sitting there trying to be like a val. Like I need to know how they did relative to me, right? There's another thing that happens. I would never send my daughter to that school. We're part of the Frumer community. Why does your chinuch choice need to be spoken about relative to somebody else's chinuch choice? Why can't you just say I'm proud to send my daughter to this school?

22:38 I think the chinuch in the school is wonderful. Why does it need to be? That's like the we're like fromer. We're not in that school because that's like for the not fromer families, and we're in the religion is a competition too, and it can be, and it's the story as it's the oldest story in the book. Cain and Abel were fighting about it. Which one of us is fromer? And that's exactly what Cain felt. He felt less fromer. You know why he felt less fromer? Because his carbon wasn't accepted. If Cain was in self, if he was in sourcing his identity, you know what would have happened? His carbon gets rejected, and you know what he says? I wonder what it was about my carbon. I'm staying curious and open. I wonder what it was about my carbon that Hashem chose Hevel. What can I do better? Not relative to Hevel, relative to myself. What was it that Hashem saw in my carbon that He said this is not the right carbon? And that becomes an opportunity for growth. Sometimes you see this happen. That in seminary and yeshiva, you see one girl and she's doing great, and another girl is struggling, and she goes.

23:36 But why is she doing great? That's her. Shmiras edayim. Focus on your lane. What are you looking at somebody else's lane for? Lesson number two: If you insource your identity, spirituality is about growth. If you outsource your identity, spirituality becomes who's the frumist and who's the least frum, and that is a dangerous game that our community is playing today. Lesson number three, and this one's going to hit close to home: There was a shidduch crisis. There were only two guys available in the world, and there were three girls. Isn't that the story you all grew up with? There's so many good girls than there are good boys. There were only two guys in the world, and there were three girls, and one of the guys turns out was a murderer. But it was a Shidduch crisis in reverse because now there's a third sister.

24:35 And Cain's going, she should be mine. After all, I'm the oldest. Hevel makes the much more reasonable argument. What's Hevel's argument? She's my sister. Now back then, that was what you did. You married your twin, and it made sense because that was the one who was most like you. So Hevel said, why in the world would you be claiming this girl is your own just because you're older? It's my sister. But Cain has a need, and it's a need that comes from lack. And girls, this is the big mistake that people make when they're dating. If I need you in order to be okay for myself, it is the single most unattractive thing you could be. It's desperate. It reeks of desperation, and nobody wants attachment with somebody who's like, "I need you." Attachment is a healthy thing. Having deep, intimate relationships is the most amazing gift in the world. But what happens when it's like, "I need you, otherwise I'm not enough."

25:32 Worst possible case. So what happens? There's a third sister. Every one of us needs marriage. Kayin says, 'My carbon was just rejected. I'm not enough for myself. I should have.' And what's his argument? His argument is completely irrational. It's because I'm the oldest. So what? So you should get pishnayim. And by the way, it's an interesting point to make. Whose opinion doesn't factor in here? The girls. Madres doesn't tell us what she wanted because it wasn't about what she wanted. What was it about? She should be mine, right? And there are people like that. They date for social status. Let's be honest. There's something that people can do. It's like, we'll talk about in high school way for a second. Imagine a guy and he's like, actually not feeling so good about himself. We'll talk about in a high school thing for a second. And now, he sees a girl and if he dates that girl, now he's like leveled up.

26:29 I'm saying socially now, he's made it. He's D1 now. And now he gets to walk down Central Avenue with that girl. What's happening the entire time he's walking down Central Avenue with that girl? I'm not choosing Central Avenue just for a specific reason. I just happened to grow up in the Five Towns, so I'm choosing Central Avenue. It could have been anywhere. We should both be fine with it. That's where we grew up. So now he's walking past Dave's, he's walking past the cave, he's doing whatever he's doing. And he's with that girl. And what does he really want? He wants every single guy who's watching him walk down Central Avenue to go, 'whoa.' Because he's cool by association. Because she's the it girl. She's the one. She's cool and she's pretty and she's right. And now he gets to say, 'Look at me, right?' But is he actually dating her, or is he really just using her to feel better about himself? And that's tragic because she's not even participating in the relationship. She doesn't even know it. She thinks she's dating this amazing guy and he's treating her incredibly. But why is he treating her incredibly? Because he needs her. He's desperate for her. You understand? Now I gave a high school relationship because it's more palatable than what I'm about to say.

27:28 Now you're in shaduchim and it's serious and you're getting married. What are you looking for? You know how many people out there care a lot about the image? What yeshiva did he go to? It's like almost like sometimes when you hear these shaduchim being spoken about, the last thing that's spoken about is his character. When actually the only thing that you're marrying is his character. But they come from this family, and it's like a known family. What are you doing? What precisely are you doing? Are you saying that because you think you're saying something about him? Because I know plenty of girls that don't necessarily come from the most hotzy-totzy, wealthy families or well-known families. Some girls come from difficult homes, and they're amazing. And imagine a boy who just writes her off because she doesn't have the right resume. Isn't that tragic? Don't do the same thing to the guys.

28:21 Don't do the same thing. People do that. I need to marry a certain. If he didn't go to this yeshiva, it's like why? Why was it important that he go? I'm not going to say the name of the yeshiva. I'm about to. I'm not going to. It's on the tip of my lips. I want to, but it was just Yom Kippur. I'm going to wait a couple more weeks before doing the seder. Why was it so important to you that he go to quote unquote that yeshiva? I married a boy who went to Brisk. I'm saying Brisk because that's like out of you know. I'm saying why was that important to you? What if he's a monster? What if he's not a good guy at all? But everything was good on the resume. So you married a piece of paper, and you got to live with that guy for the next fifty years. And by the way, if you try to do that, if you try to spend your life competing for marriage, whether that's in your marriage or with other people, inevitably you'll lose. Inevitably you'll lose because no healthy relationship can exist like that.

29:16 The amazing thing about this is not, and I think what Rabbi Jonathan Sacks said is amazing. It's true. Every single fight in human history was over territory, religion, or women. It's 100% true. I don't think that's the depth of the Medrash. I think the depth of the Medrash is this: these are actually all legitimate needs. Every one of us needs to be in a relationship where we could rely on the other. Every one of us needs to be in a relation. It needs to be in a relationship with Hashem, and every one of us wants to be chosen by somebody else. Every one of us wants to feel like, yeah, I'm gifted to the person that I married. Like that's an amazing thing. Every one of us wants that. But you should know the single most dangerous thing of all is if you're not working on yourself and you're not really conscious to be in self in your life, these three things will become weaponized. And in your life, the need that we all have to be interdependent can become murderous. You could destroy people in relationships if you are not okay to rely on another.

30:14 Your spirituality, your relationship with Hashem, could be weaponized. Chas v'shalom, you could enter into the world of dating and say, 'It's not enough that I marry the right girl. I need to marry the best girl. I need to marry the best guy.' Worst decision you could make: marry the person that you think is in front of you that you could build a healthy relationship. But it starts with you. And this is the challenge. Everyone's always looking at the system. I was like, it's not fair in the system. The system is a red herring. Don't ever pay attention to people that talk about the system. If they're saying, 'but there's this problem in the system, that problem in the system,' I want to tell you something. If you show up in self to life, there's no system that will ever make you the victim. But if you show up and you're desperate and you're not enough for yourself, life will fall apart and it won't have anything to do with the system. Our job this year, and now it's serious.

31:07 This is your shenolv. Your shenolv is happening right now. You got here. You were adjusting, fine. Now you're in the business of really becoming the person you came here to become. That's serious business. It only comes down to one thing. This year you have to have a strong sense of self, in source your identity, know that you're enough for yourself, and then beis Hashem, interdependent relationships. Beis Hashem, your spirituality will be real and authentic. Beis Hashem, you'll find the right guy in the right time, and it'll be enough for you. Girls have a beautiful Shabbos.