Parshas Bereishis - Time vs Space

2:10 Question number two. I don't even understand Rashi's question. If you're telling the story of God Where would you start? The first thing we could know about God is the creation of the world. So the Torah is a book that's telling us something about God. The first thing, because there's no such thing as first before the world was created. The very first thing that God did was create the world. So it's very logical that the Torah should have started by saying Bereshis Baralokim. Forget Hachodesh Zalechem. Why the particular mitzvah? We'll get there. But why even have a question? This sounds like a very normal place to start. If you start a book, you're writing a book about somebody's life. Where do you start? Where do you start, girls? You start from their birth. You start from the beginning. This where their parents were from. This where their grandparents were from. This was the condition of the family before they were born. They were rich. They were poor. They already had two kids. They already had five kids. You gotta tell us about the creation of the thing if you want us to know what the thing is. So of course the Torah starts with Bereshis Baralokim. Where else should it have started? Here.

3:26 Third question. If that's the case, and I'm right, that the Torah should have started with Bereshis Baralokim simply because that's the most natural place to start, then that's what Rashi's answer should have been. Rashi's answer should have been, we start at Bereshit Bara Elohim because we're telling you the story. The story begins with creation, but that's not what Rashi says. What does Rashi say? It's because one day the Goym are going to come, and they're going to tell you the world belongs to us. List them atem. You guys are Goym. You stole the world from us. So you're going to say back. God created the world. Why does Rashi have to go to such a strange answer? Why can't Rashi have simply answered, "If you're teaching the philosophy of the world, start with the creation of the world"? So we have three questions so far. We're going to get to one more. First question is Rashi says we should have started with the first mitzvah. Why the first mitzvah? Start with the most important mitzvah. Question number two, I don't even understand Rashi's question. Why are we worried about Ber? Why it should start with Bereshis bara? Every story starts in the beginning. Question number three. That's the reason Rashi gives an answer. It's because the GoYim are going to come along and they're going to say

4:32 That list them atem you stole Eretz Yisrael. We're going to say back, 'Noah, Kadosh Baruch Hu created the world. He gave it to us. We should Rashi should have simply said the reason why it starts with Bara'os Baralokim is because that's the beginning. All stories start in the beginning.' Question number four. Last question. Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable. Tell me how the conversation goes. Let's make it dramatic. You're walking through a college campus. This once happened to me. Walking through a college campus, I was walking through USC, University of Southern California. Beautiful college campus. If any of you girls ever been there, stunning. It's like seventy thousand dollars a year to go to USC. It's an amazing campus. Forrest Gump was shot in USC. It's like a beautiful campus. Diamond shot. No. Forrest, if I recall correctly, Forrest Gump was shot in Vietnam. But it's a beautiful campus. And I'm walking through the campus and sitting there with my beard and yarmulke. Obviously, I look Jewish.

5:39 It's like those Jews you know that go to Yankee games, and they're wearing a white shirt, black pants, and a Yankee hat. Somebody goes up and says 'Mincha,' and he goes, 'How do you know I was Jewish? I'm walking through USC. Obviously, I look Jewish.' And a guy comes, and a guy walks by, and he goes, 'Free Palestine.' I am not really in charge of that, but sure, I'll speak. I'll speak to the powers that be. I once had that in a cab ride in Denver. I was sitting in the back of a cab going to a school called Dat in Denver, and the cab driver looks at me and says, "Want to know why people hate Jews?" "Sure." I've actually been wondering about that. Why not go ahead and tell me? Told me this whole crazy story. How there was some Jew who started taking over India. It was like a whole crazy mice. It was a crazy cab ride. But I told him I'll bring it up at our next council meeting. Like when all the Jews get together, I'll tell, and now I know the reason because you told me.

6:26 If you were to take over a country, why would you take over India? That's pretty terrible. The so make it dramatic. You're walking through some college campus. Some guy comes jumping out at you, and he goes. BDS hashtag BDS boycott divest sanction we have to knock out Israel why because you stole the land I want you to answer the following to him you're right but God created the world he gave it to us sorry how do you think that conversation is gonna go that a legitimate answer so Rashi's coming along he's saying the wildest thing The Torah should have started with "Achos Zelchem" Why There's a lot of places we could have started We could have started with "Kibud Av VeEim." I don't even understand the question. Let's start from creation because it's creation. Rashi comes along and he tells us, "No, we have to start because of this answer. This is the thing that's coming up all the time. We have to talk about defending Eretz Yisrael, and that's your answer."

7:32 That's your answer. If I'm sitting with the nations of the world and I tell them, 'God created the world and He gave it to us,' their response is going to be, 'I don't believe in God.' Their response is going to be, 'No, He didn't.' Right or yes, he did. You were the chosen nation, but now you failed. You're no longer chosen. Were you the chosen nation? A million answers are going to come your way, but I'll tell you one answer that's not going to come your way. You're right. That makes sense. We should probably give it to you because you said God gave it to you, so we should probably give it to you. What are you talking about? What's going on over here? Got it clear. In order to explain this. We have to go to a very fundamental concept in Judaism. And it goes as follows.

8:22 You're gonna hear this from me a lot this year. Judaism is not a religion; it's a relationship. So every time we want to think about Judaism, we have to think about it in the context of a relationship. If you're not thinking about it in the context of a relationship, something is off. It's not just a set of rules. It's like any relationship. The relationship has obligation within the relationship. So it changes the way we see it. Let's talk for a second about what it means that religion is a relationship. I want you to ask yourself the following question: How would it feel for you if you were married for twenty, thirty, forty years? You've given your entire life to this person. And you can't talk to him about certain things. You just can't talk. Not because he's not a good listener, he's a good listener.

9:14 But either he's disinterested He just doesn't want to hear it Or you're embarrassed to tell him. So for thirty, forty years, you're literally holding back. You're in the relationship ninety percent of the way, but ten percent is a lie. Ten percent for thirty years. Ten percent of your relationship is built on a lie. You don't want to tell him this thing about yourself. Why? Because if you told it to him, you would be unlovable. That's the definition of shame. Shame means if you knew this about me, I would be unlovable. So ninety percent of the relationship, you're all in. Everything that a person does to be a wife, you do. And you tell him all the things that happen in work, and you tell him all the things. But there's this one slice, this one sliver of your life. It's ten percent. It's not a massive amount.

10:11 But just that stuff. You feel like if you tell it to him, it's all over. There's this toxic feeling in the relationship, knowing that you're not a hundred percent there. Now And at the end of your relationship with this husband, you're both on your deathbed. It's a hundred and twenty years have gone by. Today is the day you're dying. How would you feel if you never had the guts to walk that last ten percent and say "This is who I really am?" You would feel devastated. This is a person that all they wanted was to be in a relationship with you, and you never really gave them all of you. You weren't a hundred percent authentic. You gave them a big slice, but you never really gave them all of you. Let's say that in those last moments of your life, you decided to say once and for all, 'I just want to tell you this piece of our relationship, this piece of my life that I've never told you. Here's the 10% sliver. I'm going to give it to you right now' And you say it And you're totally accepted. All the judgment that you were afraid of, it doesn't happen. All the fear that you were going to be rejected.

11:27 It's not there. And in fact, it's just the opposite. When he tells you, when you tell him that ten percent, this is what happens. He looks at you. He says That's understandable. It's fine. I just wish you would have told me sixty years ago. We could have done so many things differently. Now you feel even worse. Because not only could you have told him and not have been judged, but you just blew the biggest opportunity of your life. What if I told you that all of us have been calibrated to think about religion, to think about Judaism in such a bad way? And this is what it started with. Started like this: the soul starts up in heaven; it comes down to this world. What's the goal? I'm going to ask you, girls, for a second. What's the goal of the soul? It started in heaven; it comes down to this world. What is the goal of the soul right now?

12:25 To go back to heaven. The problem with that is it's so wrong. Because if God wanted us to be in heaven, we could have just stayed. That's very different. That's very different. Also, you heard cheer for me for a year, so that's not fair. But it makes much more sense because of the whole goal was to go back. We've already been back. Think about it like this: Adam and Eve was created, right? Who was he created with? Chava. Chava was his back, right? So what does that mean? They were created as one. What does God do? He splits them, and then what does He say? I want you to become one again. We just were one. We literally were one. We were one flesh. She was on His back. How could you be more one than that? What does God come along and go? I want you to be one flesh. How are we supposed to be one flesh now? We're two totally separate people. Do you see how it's the same exact question?

13:23 God says, "You, the soul, go down. What's the goal? Come back up. I just was up. Why would you send me down?" Other Marisham created with Chava, one flesh. Split him, become one flesh. How? How am I supposed to become one flesh? And if you wanted me to be one flesh, why didn't you just leave me like that to begin with? The same exact question. The answer is as follows: If somebody asks you, 'What is the mission of Judaism? What is the reason that God created the world?' Your answer is as follows: The Medrashim Parshas Naso says. Nisave Hakadosh Baruch Hu. You got to get every one of these words because they're all critical. Nisave Hakadosh Baruch Hu, Leos Lo Yisbarach, Dira B'Tachtonim. I'll translate it into English. Don't worry. Nisave means God had a tayva. What's a tayva? A tayva is a desire. God had a desire to have a dwelling place. A dira means a dwelling place.

14:10 A dira is like an apartment in your shulaim. Where's your dira? A dira is a dwelling place. B'tachtonim, down below. He wants a dwelling place down below. Let's unpack those statements. If somebody asks you why you are in a relationship with your husband What is an answer you could give them? Same question with your children. If somebody asks you why you love your children, why your parents love you, give me the possible answers that you could give them. Not at once, just because it's impossible for me to hear all of you at once. Let's try one more time. Give me a possible answer. What's a possible answer? You looked like you were going to say something before. You were joking. I would love to hear your joke. Because I'm cute. Because you're cute. It's a great answer. Because all parents think their kids are cute. What happens if you're not cute?

15:01 Like many children, I'm sure you were always cute. But let's say I have teenage daughters. I love my teenage daughters. They're amazing. But they're teenagers. If you understand what I'm saying, they're teenagers. It means bathrooms are a war zone. And there's never enough hot water. If I would have known when I was building my house, I built my house from scratch in Eretz Israel. What a privilege to live in Israel and to build your house from scratch. If I would have known what it's like to have five daughters, I wouldn't have built bedrooms. I would have built bathrooms. Every single one of them would have had a bed and a bath and that's it. They could all have their own things. I wouldn't have any fights. So yeah, they're cute when they're little. And they get up and they've got opinions and they're looking. You go, haba. My daughter's eyes roll so far back in her head. I'm literally afraid they'll stay that way. Your parents tell you that if you do that, it's gonna stay that way. My daughter's eyes are for sure gonna stay that way. And every time I say that joke, she goes, "Oh" Really?

15:52 I don't do that. She's the queen snorter. At the end, I love it. I love her. She's so cute. But what if she's not? Then I'm not gonna love her anymore. If the only reason I loved her is because she was cute, then what happens when she's not cute? Give me another reason why you would love your children. I brought them into this world, but you know what? As the famous saying goes, I brought you into this world. I could take you out. And what if I? Relax. It's gonna be. It's gonna be. Yes. You already decided. Because I decided. Why did I decide? I'm excited to love them. You decided already that you're gonna love them. But that's so ridiculous. I'll love them as long as they're pleasant to be around. What happens if you have a kid who's legitimately unpleasant to be around?

16:40 I know, but that's crazy. Because I would never love somebody else's kids if they were that obnoxious. So what's the difference that they're my kids? It's my blood, but girls, think about that. That's just like it's my blood, but it's not my blood. Are they blood? They have their own body. I have to. I don't have to do anything. I know it's my responsibility, but look at parents all over the place. People are abdicating their responsibility. Why can't I? Just like somebody had this societal construct. It's like anything. It's like gender. It's just a societal construct. So like, why? This is like somebody decided that's my kid. I'm responsible. It's not my kid. I'm. It's my kid, but like it doesn't have to be my kid. They can emancipate themselves. And I don't have to spend millions of dollars on kosher food and education. I live in Israel. It's 70 shekel a month to something like this. And that's not an exaggeration. All of you are crazy for living in America, paying twenty-five thousand dollars of your tuition. You're out of your minds. Seventy shekel a month for a basic level of education—that's twenty times, thirty times as good as what you're getting in America. It's not the topic of conversation. It's just if you really want to think fiscally responsible in your life, don't live in America. Live in Israel. And I'm not even talking about kedusha. It just makes more sense.

17:48 That's my Zionist message for the day. We'll just slide it right in there. Just slide it in. It's very slow. I slide into Zionist messages. Some people slide into DMs. I slide into Zionist. I'm super relevant. The I know all the things. I know how to snap and tweet and Insta and. It does matter. Why do you love your kids? Why do you love your husband? For who for me I love that. So one day when I get old, my kids will take care of me. It's like no. This is beautiful. This is beautiful. My mother, my grandmother right now. My mother is an amazing daughter. My grandmother is turning ninety in January. And just right after Yom Kippur, right before Yom Kippur, we found out that she had 80% blockage in her heart. She needed to have a procedure. My mother flew to America. She had the procedure. Baruch Shem. The procedure went great. My mother came back to Eretz Yisrael for her 40th wedding anniversary, which was on Simchas Torah. And right before Simchas Torah, my grandmother fell. My parents live here in Israel. My grandmother lives in New Jersey. My grandmother fell. My mother is now back in America. My grandmother is getting a screw put into her hip because she broke her hip. Now. So you're saying this makes like a lot of sense, right?

19:13 Let's think about it. My mother was gifted with all the things that she had: education, clothes, warm home, love. Everything she had in her life, so that when my grandmother turned ninety, my mother would be there while a doctor put a screw in her hip. Let's say my mother didn't have money to fly back and forth. Not a lot of people have the funds to just be able to go back and forth. They don't have a lot of people to do it. What happens if my parents didn't have the money to put my grandmother in an assisted living facility? What if they were like, okay, the government's got to put you in a nursing home now, and you're going to be in one of these schlock nursing homes? Is that a bad investment now? I gave all this stuff to my kids, and now I'm sitting here with a walker and a television all by myself. Is that a bad investment in your kids because it didn't work out? Why? I thought the whole reason is that I get a support system, but now she's just a ward of the state.

20:02 It's an investment in your family. Just because it didn't turn out. So it's like a it's like a gamble. It's like any investment. You're saying. It goes far beyond just being supported and taken care of in your old age. It's for yourself too. Your mother has her siblings, her parents. She still has those people in her life. So the problem with what you're saying is that what if I don't like those people Right? I don't know. Do you have any siblings? I see the smile. I'm sure you love every one of them. And that's awesome. Do you know people that have fights with their siblings? Do you know people that maybe don't talk to their siblings? You heard those stories. It's rough if the only reason you love them is because they're going to be a support system for you. What if those are the people that you would choose least to be your support system? Most families that I speak to, this is the way it sounds. Families are the people that you would never choose to live with, but you just can't live without.

20:54 There. And for all of you that are nodding, I hear you. I get it. Ain't posh it. So again. So I haven't heard a legitimate one yet. Why would you love your parents? Why would you love your kids? Why would you love your husband? But you're not telling me why. You're just saying it's like something. That's like a. It's like maybe true, but that's like not answering the question. Give me the reason. I want to know the reason. What's the answer, girls? God, it is the way of the world. It's just the way it is. It just is. It just is that way. It just is that way. Because people parents have. An anatomical Mercedes, it's all just biological. I'm no different than the wolf that takes care of their kids. It's just biological. When I look at my kid, I go, 'You're just biology to me. You're just like a bunch of protoplasm. It happens to be for the evolution of the species. We got to keep going.' So there's some chemicals in me that tell me that I should love you, so I will. Now that I'm smart enough to know that, I don't have to do that anymore.

21:55 It's gotta be true because moms look at their newborn babies and they're gross and they're like They are so gross. They are not cute. They're like little aliens covered in slime. It is not like the doctors are like, "Oh, here you go," and you're like, "That's amazing," right now. Nobody does that. Of course, you love your kid. But it's not just biological, and you know how I know because if somebody got down on one knee and he said to you, "Marry me," nobody makes me produce serotonin like you. It's the greatest oxytocin I've ever produced. Every time you stare lovingly into my eyes, the dopamine is just firing away in my neurons. And I'm just like, "You are the one, right?" But that's crazy. Everybody knows that's crazy. I'm saying people don't think that way, but that's the That's true? So you're saying what you're really saying is I.

22:45 I'm gonna swallow this and digest this. So what you're really saying is, I want a husband who's gonna lie to me. I want a guy who's gonna get down on one knee and he's not gonna tell me the truth. Tell me I'm beautiful. Tell me I'm amazing. Tell me you want to spend the rest of your life with me. But if you tell me the truth, that the only reason I'm with you is because whatever reason evolution has told me that you're the one that I can build a family with, that's gonna help me have that support system. So the serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine are firing away. If they said that to you, I hope you would slap him in the face. You could slap him in the face, right? There's no problem with that. That's not an issue, right? Go ahead, slap him in the face. Why? Not just because it's wrong. Because it's nasty. It's disgusting. It's not just not. It's not. You don't think that way. Why not? Why wouldn't you think about the truth? Because people don't think of So you're saying it's true? I just don't want to think about it. I'm saying your brain just does people. Your brain clearly does. So when your husband gets down on one knee, why can't he say it to you?

23:34 I'm thinking the general. No! You're not a general. You're a person, and you know the truth. You know the only reason that you love him and he loves you is serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine. So when he gets down on one knee and he says serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine, I want you to say Thank you for finally telling the truth. Because I'm sure your relationship will have tons of love. Nobody here is going to say yes to that. You shouldn't. So here's the way it works. Why? Answer the question. Nobody's answering the question. All right. Because. No. Is it a give? I disagree. I disagree 100. And no, I don't think it's a give. Relax. I disagree. I disagree.

24:20 Relax. That's all the classic stuff you girls have heard a million times before. I'm not going to tell you the classic thing you've heard a million times before. That's why I hated that cheer so much. Every time I heard this cheer, this was what I heard my whole life. Ahava is from a lashon of hav, which means to give. So if you don't love someone and you give, and then you love, and then you'll give, right? At the end, I had no idea what any of them were talking about. What does that mean? To love is to give. To give what? I like chips. Should I give her chips? Like how many chips do I need to give her in order to have the feeling of love? It never made sense to me. It still doesn't. Wait. We're soulmates. That is so from. What's your name? Doesn't matter now. But I wasn't saying worse soulmates. I was saying worse soulmates. At least tell me where you're from.

25:18 Oh man! Don't be so intimidated. America. I'm from the Middle East. Nice to meet you. What was that? That is a whole country by itself. Do you think that there's just? You have to have a passport to go there. It goes like this: You shouldn't be able to answer this question, and if you did, it would be sick and abusive. If you said, "I only love my children because" or "Not I only. I love my children because whatever comes at the end of that statement is going to be horrific." So if I said I love my wife because she's a good cook That's a horrific thing to say. Because what happens if she stops cooking? No more brain chemicals. So then that's it. My grandmother, true story. My grandmother, supposedly when my dad was little, on my dad's side, she could cook. By the time I came around, she was making hamburgers in a toaster oven, and it was not delicious.

26:21 I used to say to my dad, Grandma was a good cook. He said, Grandma was an amazing cook, but she forgot. Now imagine if I have no idea. She happens to be that in her life, she had a type of Alzheimer's anyway, but I don't think that was what is accounted for. The lady just forgot how to cook. She added, I don't get it, but she just forgot how to cook. If the only reason that we loved her is because she knew how to cook, what happens when she forgets? The answer is the love is over. The only reason you love your kids is because they're cute. What happens when they're not cute? If the only reason you love your husband is because he's a good provider, what happens if he loses his job? The only reason you liked him is because he was cool in high school. What happens when high school is over? Sounds like I hit a little too close to home. It's okay.

27:09 I like to think I was that guy, and then high school was over, so it's fine. Balding, whatever. It's not a good picture. You can't answer why you love someone. Slow. You can't answer why you love someone because the reason is no reason at all. You're not interested in the reason. You're interested in them. And them is beyond any reason. Please say that again. It's not a simple thing. Take time, take it in. If I love you for a reason, I don't love you. I love the reason. If I love my wife because she's a good cook, I love food, not her. And the moment that utility is over I don't love her anymore. So you love because they're them. I don't love anything about them. Those are byproducts of them. I love them. The truth is, it works a little backwards. Let me say it a little bit deeper now.

28:10 Because for whatever unknowable reason, I love you. Now I love all these things about you. So here's what I hear all the time: Kotel guys, Yeshiva guys, when they get married, newly married guys, Rebbeim, everyone is bragging about their wife's chala. Dude, your wife's chala is not that good. You hear Rebbeim and Yeshiva telling guys like. You come to my house for Shabbos. My wife's challah is legendary. I'm like, no, it's not. It's just white flour and sugar with crumb topping. And now you're a genius because you put crumb topping and Oreos in your challah. I knew I was in sharpness. But I'm sorry, I say that as a fan. Of course it's amazing. It's amazing. My brother's wife she puts in like chocolate chips and sprinkles, and she makes it different colors. It's cake. It's legitimately cake. I don't think you can make amotzi on it.

29:03 Your wife's chala is not that good. She is And as a result, you've fallen in love with her chala. But if her chala stinks, it doesn't matter because you never really loved the chala. You loved her, right? It is a little bit of brainwashing. Of course, it is. There's nothing wrong with that. Your brain needs to be cleansed, right? But that's exactly what happens. There's when we're attracted to somebody, it's like now you and I are together, and now there's these things about you that I really, really like. Things that wouldn't even occur to me. So I'll give you a great example. This is a terrible example. It's a great example. One more time. You said no reason. I don't love you for a reason. I just love you. Not because of any utility. I just love them. And because I love you. What was that? Personality. Because even if her personality would be off, let's say Chassar Shalom. Somebody got cancer, and as a result of their cancer, now they have a total personality switch. It happens. Sometimes people get cancer in their brain. They totally lose their personality. An amazing thing happens. The husband will say It's a crazy thing because at the end she really wasn't there, and I loved her more than I ever did before.

30:07 Because I wasn't really in love with her personality. I was in love with her, and until her personality went haywire, it's like, now I only love you because of you. It gets even bigger. That's why when crisis hits and people love each other, the crisis takes away all the things that get in the way of a relationship. All those things go away, and then there's just you and the other person. That's where relationships occur. You understand? Makes sense? I'll tell you an amazing story. It's a terrible story. It's an amazing story. Many years ago, a guy in yeshiva comes over to me. This is when I was still living in America, where you live in America. And a guy in yeshiva comes over to me, and he says, "I was married for a couple of years. I was learning in Kolle." "Last night I met the girl I'm gonna marry.

30:54 She's this is the one. First date. We'll find out if it's true. It was true for me. So now I met the girl I'm going to marry. I said awesome. Tell me about her. Personality wise, did you guys get along? He said amazing. We went to the park. We were in the park. The park was only open till eleven o'clock at night. We stayed there till eleven thirty. A police officer came. She told off the cop. I love that about her. I was like, okay, great. Whatever floats your boat, man. Let's say you like the girls that tell off the cops. I get it, strong. Okay, I said, tell me how schlockishly you guys are on the same page. You want the same things in life. It's crazy. Every single thing we spoke about, it was like right there. Everything she wants, I want. Everything I wanted, she wants.

31:40 He starts describing to me the home that they're gonna build together, and it's gonna be amazing. They both want to live in Israel. They both want to have a home of Hashmasas Archim. They both want to have a home of Torah. They both want to have amazing things. They both want the same thing. Great. I said to him You're attracted to her. She's pretty. He says to me, "She's drop dead gorgeous." Said amazing. That's so good. I'm so happy for you. Who set you up? So he told me there's a Rebbe in Yeshiva that set him up. So I said, "This Rebbe, he's unbelievable. This Rebbe just makes shidduchim left and right. I don't know how he does it." Everything he touches turns to gold in the world of shidduchim. So I went over to that Rebbe later that day in the basement. I said, "I heard you made another shidduch." They went out last night. He said, "It's like this is the girl he's gonna marry." He said, "I know it's crazy that after the first date they both like I spoke to her. She's already so sure. It's amazing." So I was like, "He told me personality wise they went to the park." He said, "Yeah, I heard that whole story." "Mishugna, okay, whatever he likes, it's fine." "Beseder," I said. "He told me ashkafically they're on the same page." He goes, "Yeah, they mamish want the same thing."

32:38 I said, 'Rebbe, he told me she's drop dead gorgeous.' He grabbed my arm. I'll never forget. He pulled me out of the basement. She pulled me into his office, and he said to me This is the ugliest girl I've ever met in my entire life. Just not getting out of the park. So I'm like, that's a good line. So I said, "What are you talking about?" He said, "This girl is so unattractive that I was afraid to set him up with her because this guy is in my shirt." I was afraid he would drop out of my share and he would never talk to me again. He would be so insulted. So I said to him, "So why did you set him up with her?" He said, "My wife made me do it. I didn't want to do it. My wife made me do it." So I was like, "I gotta find out. Is this girl drop dead gorgeous or drop dead? I just need to know.

33:25 I just need to know. And the whole period that they were dating, I was davening for this shiduch to go through. Not because I wanted the shiduch to go through, because I wanted to meet this girl. I just wanted to see. And it comes time, and he tells me he's getting engaged. There's a lechayim that night, and I'm like, you have to understand. I don't go to lechayim's. I'm busy. I have things going on. I'll go to your wedding. I'll probably come and say hello and leave. You'll never notice anyway. I don't have time to go to lechayim's. This lechayim, I'm like, I'm going to. Whereas it's in Brooklyn, I'll be there. It doesn't matter. I don't like to go to Brooklyn. I'll go to Brooklyn. It's fine. I get there early. They always have to show up late to their own lechayim. I'm there early. I gotta be the first guy there. And they're coming up the stairs, and he's coming up first. And I'm arching my head like I gotta see. Because nobody's more excited than me. And finally, I see her, and I said, "Oh" I don't think this rabbi was right And I don't think the guy was right.

34:17 And it just hit me like a ton of lightning. Holy cow! "Really, beauty is in the eye of the beholder." And we have no idea why people are attracted to each other. And here's the amazing thing, and you know this to be true. There are guys. I'm not saying you, but there are guys that you've met. Not you, but people like you. There are guys that you've met that when you first met them, you were like, no way, it would never happen between us. Like I'm totally not attracted to them. And a crazy thing happened. You know this is true. A crazy, not you, but people like you. Like a different type of you. But you. Now what happened? All of a sudden One day you didn't even realize it happened. It happened quick. You have to be watching. Happened really quick. What happened? All of a sudden It shifted, and you're like, he's kind of cute.

35:05 When did that happen? That was the guy that nothing happened with. Oh my God, he's my best friend. He's my brother. He's my little brother. I don't even see him that way. Why are we always here? A little. He's my. He's like my older brother. He's like you understand. He's like my brother's best friend. I grew up with him. He was. We were like playing together our whole life. Like, oh my God, am I describing your life? I see. Because I see the girls that are doing this. Like nothing would ever happen. You don't understand. I don't even think of him that way. And then all of a sudden, you woke up one day. Disgusting. It would be like incest. I love that. It would be like incest. Because he's not your brother, right? It's like Where did that come from? Where did that come from? It just shifted. All of a sudden, you realized he's pretty awesome. And all of a sudden, it's like Rachel and Ross, right?

35:58 All of a sudden, it's like. For ten seasons, I want the thing I can't have. Will they? Won't they? Will they? Won't they? Who cares? How I Met Your Mother, seven seasons later, didn't matter. It's ridiculous. It was so bad that TV shows basically gave up. And they're like, it's not going to work anymore. The will they, won't they? So we'll just do The Office. Will they, won't they? For a season, and then they will, and then we'll spend the rest of the time doing something else. How does that happen? Someone that you were never attracted to, that you swore you would never be attracted to, all of a sudden You're attracted to them. How'd that happen? The answer is, we don't understand the foggiest things about attraction. Because it's got nothing to do with a reason. You don't love someone for a reason; you love them.

36:46 Which means as follows: If you love them, here's what you want, and here's what they want. The only thing that you want, and the only thing that they want, are each other. And that's why the following scenario plays itself out every day in therapy offices and in rabbanim's offices all over the world. This is what it sounds like: a couple sits down. They've been married for a decade. They come to the rav. The shalom bias is not going well. The rav says, "Who wants to go first?" The wife says, 'The husband says, "I'll go first."' And the husband starts talking, and he says, "And this is exactly what it sounds like." I don't understand what she wants from me. I am an amazing husband. I am an amazing husband. I provide for our family Making solid three hundred thousand dollars a year. We're not taking tuition assistance. We live in a nice house. We have two cars. We have insurance. Good food is on the table. It's a beautiful Shabbos meal every week. I change the light bulbs. I take out the garbage. I'm our kids' little league coach. I put down the toilet seat. I am the model husband.

37:59 I don't even leave my socks all over the place, right? Like every other husband in the world does. I'm the guy who puts his socks in the hamper. And the whole time he's talking, this is the wife's posture. She's got her arms crossed and she's shaking her head no. And he says, "You see, Rabbi" I'll never be enough for her. Even now, she's shaking her head. It's not enough. There's nothing I can do to ever be enough for her. And the rabbi turns to the wife and he says to her What seems to be the problem? He seems to be a pretty good husband. And she says to him Rabbi, do you think I married him to take out the garbage? Do you think I married him to change the light bulbs? Do you think I married him to put down the toilet seat? I didn't marry him for any of those reasons. I didn't even marry him for the money that Baruch Hashem he is providing. And I'm thankful that he's providing. I married him because of the way that he once used to look at me, the way that he looked at me under the chuppah, and it's been so long since we looked at each other that way.

38:50 Now who's right The husband or the wife? The wife is right. The husband is right because he feels underappreciated. But the right, but that's but the wife is saying, I don't want your things I want you. That's true. I know that for sure. The wife is always right. But the truth of the matter is that husbands do this all the time. They say, 'What's wrong with our relationship? Look at all the things I'm giving you,' and the wives are saying. I never wanted those things. I wanted you. It wasn't your personality they liked. I wanted you. It wasn't the food that I wanted. I wanted you. And here's the problem: if you only go ninety percent And you hold back those final ten percent, then the other person doesn't have you. And if they're holding back ten percent, then you don't have them. People spend a lifetime like this because they're not authentic. Because they're afraid to be authentic. Because they're afraid of vulnerability and shame.

39:45 They can't bring themselves to say, 'This is who I am,' when the truth is that every person in this room knows that if you would tell that person, the person who really loves you, not because of anything you do, but if you would tell him the worst things about yourself, those last ten percent, everybody in this room knows that probably, if he really loves you, he's going to say, 'It's understandable.' How can what can I do to help? Probably that's what's going to happen. Probably it's going to be a supportive, engaged relationship, not despite what you told him, but because of what you told him, and everybody knows it. We're all doing it in this room. Every one of us is putting on an act. Because we're afraid to let people see ourselves. So go back. Does God want us for our mitzvos? If God only wants us for our mitzvos, focus in on this, because it's key. If God only loves you because you do a mitzva, and He doesn't love you if you don't do that mitzva, or God only loves you because you don't do the avera and you do the avera

40:40 Then does God love you? He doesn't love you. He loves a mitzva. And he hates an avera, and the way that most of us grew up is that's true. Why don't I do averas? I'm afraid of God's punishment. It has nothing to do with loving God. Why does God want me to do a mitzvah? I have no idea why God wants me to do a mitzvah, but I better do it because I know that if I don't do mitzvos, God gets super upset, and then I go to hell. That's what God Friedman told you guys, right? So when I see that guy driving on shabbos, I want him to go to hell. That's what most of us grew up thinking. Most of us grew up thinking like God doesn't love me; He just really, really likes mitzvos. It's not true. God wants you, which is why you should go back. Why does God love you? No reason. He has a desire. He doesn't give a reason. It's just a desire. Where does He want to be? In a dwelling place. He wants to be in an apartment. He wants to feel comfortable. That's what it means to live with someone. Where betachtonim? He wants you.

41:34 He wants you. The lowest. And which part of you? Ninety percent is awesome, but He wants the ten percent you don't want to talk about. Let's go back. Let's go back to our questions. It's going to make so much sense now. Rashi says, "Let's start the Torah with the first mitzvah" 'Hachodesh hazalachem.' Two things make up our world, girls. Time and space. The two things that Rashi discusses. Time is more godly, right? You can't touch time. You can't measure time. Time is what we use to measure other things, but I can't measure time. So Rashi says. Let's start with the mitzvah. Let's start with the Torah, talking about the spiritual things. Let's start off talking about the godly things. That's why it's the first thing. It's the most godly thing. This is zman. It's beyond this world. Let's talk about things that are beyond. Let's go to a mountaintop in Tibet and meditate. Because that's must be what God wants. That's not what God wants. What does God want? He wants you. Spiritual is less impressive to God than physical. He wants to be with you in the physical world. That's why he created the world, girls.

42:35 This whole world is about bringing God down into our lives, showing Him every facet of who you are—not just the 90% that you're proud to show Him, the 10% that you're not proud to show Him. So we can't start with Achodus Zolchem, because while Achodus Zolchem is awesome and it's spiritual and it's a huge mitzvah, that's not the place to start the Torah. Because wherever you start, that gives the tone for the entire thing. Where do we start? Rashi says we start talking about creation. Why? Because what's God interested in? He's interested in this land. And when the goyim of the world come to you and say, 'You stole this land,' our answer will be, and listen now—it's a very profound answer. We didn't steal the land. The whole reason we were created was for the land. God gave us land. What is God interested in? He's interested in the physical. He's interested in those parts of yourself that you think aren't godly. God wants you to bring Him into those parts. So when the Gaia of the world say, 'Why are you a Jew?' which is supposed to be this amazing spiritual being, why are you involved in the physical world?

43:38 Our answer is that's the whole purpose of creation. We only have a couple minutes left, so I want to share something very beautiful with you. It's a moshel. It's a very beautiful moshel. There's a king in every moshel. There's a king. And the king has this amazing crown. And in the middle of the crown is this amazing crown jewel, and it's blue and it's sapphire and it's worth millions, hundreds of millions of dollars. It's amazing, and people come from far and wide to see the king and they're staring at the majesty of his crown. It's amazing to behold. And one day, as the king is getting down from his throne, he trips. The crown goes flying off of him, and it lands right on the gem, and there's a giant crack right down the middle of the crown. This is a huge, devastating blow to the king. Not just because he doesn't get to wear it anymore, but because it's symbolic of all of the power that he has. It's the same crown that his father wore, and his grandfather wore, and his great grandfather wore. And if he loses it, it's like he lost everything, and it's tragic.

44:46 So he puts out signs all over the land, and he says, "Anybody who can fix this gem" I'll give them like. An hour in the royal treasury, they could take out whatever they want. And the biggest diamond gem experts come from all over the land. Everybody wants to fix this gem. But you can't fix a gem. You can fix glass. But you can't fix a gem. Till one old We call him a Jew. One old Jew comes And he says, "I can fix your" I can fix your gem, but you have to trust me implicitly. " The. King says, "I have no choice at this point. If I lose the gem, I lose everything." And he takes out some sharp implement and starts etching away, seemingly making the cracks in the gem even worse. The king is going out of his calum. He's going out of his box. He doesn't know what to do. He's like, "What are you doing? You're destroying my gem!"

45:41 He's like, "I told you, you gotta trust me." And he's etching away, and there's sparks flying, and shards of the gem are falling out. He's like, "Dying." He's like, "You're making it worse." Oh my God! What did I do? I can't. I shouldn't have trusted this guy. It's too late anyway, so he lets him go through it. And at the end He has the most amazing gem. Why? Because what did this old Jew do? He took the crack And he turned that crack into a tree. And he etched out roots, and he etched out leaves, and he etched out branches, and he etched out flowers. And the gem went from being this amazing gem. Beforehand, it was amazing. But now it's even more beautiful. The design makes it even more beautiful. And the nimshal is obvious, but let's spell it out. Your cracks are the greatest opportunity in your life. We all stand at this crossroads, and you could sit here and beat yourself up because of all the bad things that you've done. You could be ashamed and say it's devastating. Everything that I am. Don't tell me what you'll never do. Everyone says, Rabbi, I would never do that. That's the line I would never cross. Don't tell me what you've done and what you'll never do. It's what you've done and what you haven't done yet.

46:46 Now everyone says, 'No, I would never do that' until they do, right? Don't sit and be embarrassed about who you were. Don't be embarrassed about who you are. Don't be ashamed. Don't sit here saying I'm broken because of that. The thing that made me majestic, my soul, Rabbi. You don't understand the things that I've done. I do understand, and it doesn't matter. Those cracks can be the greatest opportunity in the world. If you're willing to really look at them and say I'm giving all of myself to God. Then all of a sudden, the things that you've done wrong are opportunities to come closer. Because when you share that last ten percent and you say, 'I'm imperfect, but God, you created me imperfect, so you must love imperfection. When you come to God and you say, 'I'm imperfect,' it's the most beautiful healing thing that you can experience. That's the reason we start off with Barachias to teach us that lesson. God created the world with all of its imperfections, including yours. That's what makes us interesting to God. That's what God truly loves.