Parshas Korach - Don't Let Yourself Be Swallowed Alive - Living in a Toxic Relationship

2:33 You look a little further. Moshe Rabbeinu's response to Korach Very interesting response, as he says, "Hashem is going to let us know who's right." " You know, as Jews. We argue a tremendous amount. And the lubavitcher Rebbe, zeches tzaddik bracha, said When one Jew comes over to another Jew, he says Shalom Aleichem, and a Jew responds Aleichem Shalom. Why? Because in order to know that we're Jewish, the first thing we have to do is argue. What comes first, Shalom Aleichem or Aleichem Shalom? So here, Moshe Rabenu, in a certain sense, he's not arguing. He comes along and he says, 'Hashem Baruch Hu will tell us what to do.' Why does Moshe Rabenu leave it up to Hashem? Why doesn't he argue? It's a philosophical argument. Should there be leadership, or should there not be leadership? Should there be a communist system where everybody is equally holy?

3:32 Moshe Rabenu should come back with an argument. He says, 'No, we're going to leave it up to Hashem.' Later, when Moshe Rabenu does have a dialogue with Korach, you see a very interesting thing. Moshe rabenu says, "va'yomer Moshe al Korach" Shimu na b'neilefi. Which is a very soft way of speaking. Rashi points out "Shimu Nabinay Levi" is like "Let's talk." It's a very sweet way of speaking. And almost immediately afterwards, you see that the tone of Moshe Abinu switches. He said, 'You don't have enough. It's not enough that you're Levim,' and he starts giving intense mussar. So we see that there's a switch that Moshe Rabbeinu initially is speaking very softly, but immediately he goes into this Musar type of situation. You don't have enough for yourself. You need to fight. You need to come and take Aaron's position. Why the shift in language from Moshe Rabbeinu?

4:37 And then a very strange thing. He says, "Lachen ata v'choladask haNo'adim al Hashem." Moshe Rabenu accuses Korach of rebelling against Hashem. If you look at the pesukim, you don't see that; it's nowhere to be found. Where do we see that Korach was rebelling against Hashem? We see that Korach was rebelling against Moshe. Perhaps he was rebelling against Aaron. But where do we see that he's rebelling against Hashem? Where does Moshe Rabenu know this from? And what's important here? Moshe Rabenu never addresses the claim that Korach makes. Korach says everybody's holy. Moshe Rabenu never responds to that philosophical argument. It's glaringly obvious in the fact that it's missing. Why don't you have the difficult conversation? Moshe Rabenu avoids that entire conversation. Why does he do that? And last but not least, we know that the punishment for This whole meisah with Korach was that they were swallowed up by the ground.

5:48 We know that every time there is a punishment in the Torah, it's mida kineged mida; the punishment always fits the crime. This is a very unique punishment. So why is this the punishment that Hakadosh Baruch Hu chooses? In order to answer these questions, we're going to start with a Mishnah. It's a Mishnah Avos. Some of you probably know this Mishnah. Reb chanina, ska na kohenim omar Chanina, who was the Ska Na Kohenim, was the deputy Cohen. He said as follows: Havei Mispalul B'Sholim Meshal Malchus. We should daven for the peace of the government. Shouldn't be January sixth type of events. Shouldn't be people attacking the capital. It's a terrible thing when that happens. Why? Shel Male Morah. If there's no fear of the government. Ish esrei ayu chayim below. Each person will swallow up his friend. The simple meaning of this, which is a terrible meaning, is that we need governments to create laws because otherwise there will be chaos and people will run over each other. Everybody is just grabbing for power. Everybody's going to grab for money. Naturally, this is what people do. They'll destroy each other. The survival of the fittest. And so, it's important that we have a government that creates laws so that the power of the people will subdue the individual who's chaotic.

7:17 That's the simple meaning of the Mishnah. The problem with this explanation is the second half of the Mishnah seems to have nothing to do with the first half of the Mishnah. The Mishnah continues: Rav chanina ben chadyon omer Shnayim Shayoshin veEin Beinayim Debre Torah Hareze Moshe B'leizen. If two people are sitting down and they're not sharing any Torah, this is a Moshe of Leitzin. This is a place of Leitzanos, a place of scoffing. And later on, he says, "Av Shnayim shei Yoshev in viyesh Benayim devey Torah shchina shruya Benayim." If two people are sitting and learning Torah, then we can find Hakadosh Baruch Hu's presence. Come on, Dennis. You can make me feel a little bit more comfortable. With all the women here, it's nice to have a friend. Thank you for opening your home to us. If the simple meaning of the Mishnah is that we have to have a malchus, we have to have a government to keep people on the straight and narrow so that they won't swallow each other up alive.

8:22 What does that have to do with two people sitting and learning Torah? The Shechina is sure yesham. One has nothing to do with the other. So I want to share with you an exceptionally beautiful pshat. For those that are married, you'll understand a little bit more what I'm talking about. And for those that are not yet married, this is a good preparation for having a healthy marriage. There's something called emotional cannibalism. If Chassid Shalom You're married to a narcissist. You're married to an ego maniac. So why do they want to be in a relationship? There's a disease. It's a disease. It's a real disease that a person could literally swallow up another person's life. If you've ever been in a toxic relationship, or you've seen people in a toxic relationship, you'll see that this is what people do. When people don't feel enough for themselves, they don't feel like they have enough in the emotional bank account inside.

9:37 So what they might do is they might have a need to dominate another. They want the other person to exist. But they want to swallow them up. They want that person to live inside of them. And they want to control the way they think. They want to control the way they speak. They want to control the way they act. It's a very dangerous place to be. And the reality is, especially in today When people have so little self-esteem. So little of a feeling of real, authentic presence within themselves We're seeing more and more of these toxic relationships. Where people need to grab other people in because they're not okay for themselves. As a comedian I don't want to say his name. He's a Mosheles. I'm not. I'm not even going to say his name. But he had a great idea. He went on one of these late night talk show hosts and he said this idea, and it was an unbelievable idea.

10:40 He said, "People today are risking their own lives, the lives of their children, and the lives of everybody around them" By texting while they're driving. It's an exceptionally dangerous thing to do. Everybody here, I'm assuming, on some level, has done it at some point. I'll be honest, even today I was texting and driving. Everybody texts and drives. He said, 'Why are you doing that?' Why are we texting and driving? He said, 'Because you're so lonely inside of yourself that when that feeling of loneliness creeps up inside of you, you don't want to feel that feeling.' And so, without even realizing what you're doing You'll pick up your phone and you'll start to message a couple of people so that you can get the endorphins back when somebody texts you back and goes, 'Hey, what's going on?' You're literally endangering your life. Let's say you have kids in the car; you're endangering their lives, and you're endangering the lives of everybody around you because you have a need in that moment not to be lonely.

11:47 And I was thinking about this; it's so true. Our inability to feel our own feelings comes from the lack of a presence that we have inside of ourselves. If we were in self, what would it look like? We would be able to stand in front of the proverbial truck of emotions, and we would allow that truck to smash into us. We would feel all of those really difficult feelings: loneliness, a feeling of I'm not enough, feelings of anger, feelings of disappointment, feelings of being betrayed. We would stand in front of those feelings, and we would allow them to come through us because we know that once we're finished feeling those feelings, the body expels those feelings, and you could move through them. It's called being an emotionally healthy person. But today We've learned that we don't have to feel those feelings. So what we do is we numb all of the feelings that we have with a million different things: with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with television, with Netflix, with phones, with texting. All of these things are in an attempt to ensure that you don't have to feel what's going on. The problem is that the more you don't feel it, the more bottled up those things become inside.

13:05 Which is why the community of therapists is expanding so rapidly that we can't keep up with the amount of clients we have. Because what does a person come to therapy for? It's an unbelievable thing. A person walks out of therapy today. They go, "It's just good to release." It's just a good feeling like it's not inside of me anymore. It used to be. I know for some of you, you may not know this. It used to be that you went to the bathroom without a phone So there was at least a place that you went with no distractions. My mother-in-law tells this story all the time. She said she was young, she had six kids, a bunch of teenagers. She went to the dentist and she remembers thinking to herself I finally have a chance to relax. And she's getting drilled in her tooth, having a root canal. This is so great. There's no kids pulling at me from ten different directions.

14:00 Today you don't even have that. I saw this is wild. I'm sure you girls have seen this. I saw the new barber capes that they make. When you go to the barber shop, they put a cape on you. They have plastic middles so someone could sit there and text while they're getting a haircut. Because even that's not a relaxing environment anymore. It's everything we could do to make sure that we can avoid feeling all of our feelings, and it doesn't work. It's a sign of a very emotionally unintelligent and unhealthy generation. And it's a catch twenty-two because what builds self-esteem What builds self-esteem is our capacity to feel our feelings. Did you know that? It's an amazing thing. When you feel your feelings, what happens? You realize you're like oh. I'm capable as a human being of surviving in this world. This is hard for the girls. It's ridiculously hard for the guys.

15:03 You see it in yeshiva all the time. They're like these 18-year-old guys. They're like walking primates. They have no capacity. With the girls, it's a three-hour conversation when something went wrong in the dorms. We're going to talk it through. I felt at the first time that we met that you already didn't like me, and it's like there's this real emotional deep conversation with the guys. It's like we cool, we're good. That's the whole conversation. That's the whole thing. It's an amazing thing because they're all so emotionally stunted. They need to express these things, and the fact that we don't have the capacity to do that is a self fulfilling prophecy. Oh. I guess I'm not capable of feeling these things, and then you feel less than. So a person has two choices: you can either be in self And you can share love with another Or you could not be in self—a feeling that you're not enough—and then you only trade love And it's a devastating thing.

16:18 When a person is in a space where they're trading love, it means they're not really in a relationship. I'll tell you what it looks like. A girl once asked me the following question. She said, "What date do you think is appropriate to start being who I really am?" So I said, "Well, for sure, some point before you get engaged." Isn't it true? How many of us show up when we first meet people, all over in life? How many of us show up, trying to be somebody that we're not? In the attempt to get other people's approval. And it makes sense. Nobody's going to show up on a first date and go, "Let me tell you about generations of family dysfunction. We have real intergenerational trauma in my family." There were Holocaust survivors, and then there were people that grew up with Holocaust nightmares. My mother was very controlling. I don't mean to offend anybody. You know what they say in psychology: if it's not one thing, it's your mother. So nobody's going to do that on a first date.

17:29 And rightfully so, because there's not enough trust in the system for there to be real vulnerability. But when you ask the question, "At what point should I start to be myself?" it's indicative of a person. That doesn't feel comfortable with themselves to the core because it's one thing to say, 'I'm going to show you who I am slowly.' It's another thing to put on an act to get somebody else's approval. And the crazy thing is, it will work. You could actually marry somebody being somebody that you're not. But the problem is, then you'll get the approval of somebody that you're not. And how long can you keep that up for? Twenty years? Thirty years? You're going to spend your entire life trying to be somebody that you're not, so that you can get their approval for somebody that you're not. It doesn't even make any sense. And in that case, can you really share your life with another?

18:16 Or are you just trading love? I need your love to tell myself that I'm enough. So what do I need to do to earn your love? Do you hear the codependency in this way of thinking? I'm going to do whatever I need to do. I'll make myself crazy for you. Because if I can get your love in return, then it's a way of telling myself that I'm enough. But that's terrible. The entire nature of that relationship is that it's taking Although it appears to be giving. A husband or a wife in that situation could go crazy. It's like the wife who always has everything perfect and is always doing everything for everybody else and constantly taking care of her kids. She says, "I'm the biggest giver in the world," but she might not be. In fact, she might be the biggest taker in the world.

19:03 And giving might actually be saying no, and giving might be creating healthy boundaries. If you're, for example, a mother and you don't have the capacity to say no to your children. I once had this conversation with a mother. I won't tell you where she was from, a certain town. Up north. One of five, maybe one of five. She said, "Rabberg, I can't send my son to your yeshiva." I said, "Why not?" She said, "My son has never been told no in his entire life." I need to send him to a yeshiva that's going to say no to him. I felt so bad for her. She must have been suffering so much to not be able to say no. It's a tragedy. For sure, it's a tragedy for her kid. But a tragedy for herself. It takes. As a parent, you have to know that your kid is going to be disappointed in you. You're going to say no to things that are really important to them. And as a parent, if you have enough of a sense of self to say, "This is not our way." We say yes more often than we say no. But when we say no, it's a real no, and we're okay if you don't like us because we're not here to please you.

20:18 But you know how many parents can't say no to their kids because they can't face their kid's disappointment. Do you know how many wives can't say no to their husbands, or how many husbands can't say no to their wives? Because I don't want to deal with the negative ramifications of what happens when I say no. Like what happens? He's going to be very upset if I say no. So what will happen if he's upset? If he's upset, then the atmosphere in the house is going to be very chaotic. It's going to be very difficult. I can't handle that. So you're making the choice because you can't handle the feelings of chaos. You're making the choice to lean into something that's completely unhealthy and boundaryless and chaotic, rather than have enough of a sense of self to stand up and say, 'This is not okay.' And how long can a person last like that?

21:10 And the reality is, there are people that go through their entire marriage like this. They could be married for fifty years and they could be living in prison. And any bit of love that they get is like water. It's like water in the desert. They're parched for it. It's like any nice thing that the other person says. It's like they're letting me know you don't need to validate other people. It's their responsibility to validate themselves, and it's your responsibility to validate yourself. And if you're in a place where you're in self, and then you validate another, you're not doing it because you need to trade for their love, but because you're sharing your love with another. And that's a completely different thing. The way my wife says it, which I think is the most beautiful way of saying it, is two people who are firmly planted in their own soil can truly connect to another.

22:00 But if you're not planted in your own soil, if you're constantly reaching over to pull from the other person There's no life there. You're not sharing with each other. You're not actually giving to each other. This is what the Mishnah really means. Look carefully. If a person wants to be in self, there is a key. An in self person is a prayerful person. Without tefillah, a person is not in self. And it's a big challenge. I give a sheir to this unbelievable group of women in Ramat Bechamish, young married women. Because life is complicated and because life is hard, they don't have enough time for their own Torah learning. They don't have enough time for themselves. So we have a sheer now that they've organized so that they can have their own learning and continue to be inspired. So one of the women said to me, 'She said, the hardest thing is I don't get to daven anymore.' I'm going to say something. Maybe it's a little bit controversial, but I believe this with every fiber of my being.

23:15 It's true that women perhaps do not have the same mitzvah of tefillah as men in certain senses. But today, if you're not making time for yourself to daven There's no way of being in self. Tefillah, by its very nature, is an expression of self. It's a deep connection to something that's larger than you. It's what gives you a sense of self. Having *spauel b'shloima shel malachus* means that a person who davens, who's deeply connected to the peaceful serenity that comes *b'shloima* with the *shalom*, when a person davens and they're deeply connected to the inner peace that comes with being connected to *melech malchayam lachim*, then a person is a healthy person. But a person who's not connected on that level, a person who's lo alenu, forgotten that inner sense of serenity that comes with davening, that person is likely to swallow another person alive. That's loshon of the Mishnah, right? Ish esrei ayu high and below. What will happen to a generation of people that have no sense of davening, that have no sense of serenity, that have no sense of connecting to something higher than themselves? They will literally swallow each other alive. They will become those narcissists that need to control and subsume other people within themselves.

24:35 And we see it happening all over the world. The Lubavitcher Rebbe was very into having a moment of silence in all public spaces. He said we don't need to have prayer, we don't need to have tefillah. We understand that can get controversial, separation of church and state. But there should be a state where every single person, for at least a couple of minutes every day, can contemplate something larger than themselves. What will happen to a society that removes all notion of tefillah? We're watching the fall of Rome. We're watching the fall of Rome. It's an unbelievable thing that's happening. Forget the morals and ethics that are happening here in the Western world. Forget that for a second. People have no concept of how to be anymore. Because we've lost that sense of connection. You look around. Look at everything is latezonis. Everything is scoffing. Nothing is sacred.

25:26 Children are being killed, and it becomes a political argument. There's no sense of connecting to something that's higher than themselves, and as a result, what are people doing? We're entering into more and more toxic relationships. And that's a tragedy. The solution is the second half of the Mishnah. If two people sit and learn Torah with each other That means if two people are deeply connected to the truth They'll be deeply connected to something that's higher than themselves. Then the Shechina is shuriyasham. That's where Shalom is. It's impossible for a person to be in self without connecting to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. This is the core Yeshod of Alcoholics Anonymous. Carl Jung The great psychologist When Alcoholics Anonymous first came out, the original founders of Alcoholics Anonymous were in touch with Carl Jung. He was one of the founders of the modern psychology movement. He was a student of Freud.

26:22 Contemporary Freud. So he said about Alcoholics Anonymous that it works because spiritus and spiritum, which is Latin It means that a spiritual problem, and that's what alcoholism is. All of the things that we're addicted to Our phones, the food, the alcohol, the drugs, everything that's happening in our society, all of this is a spiritual problem. It's trying to fill a need within ourselves with something that's external. But the only thing that could create real sobriety—this is what Alcoholics Anonymous taught us—the only thing that could create real sobriety is a connection to a higher power. It's like imagine if you had a hole in your driveway And you fill the hole up with sand. So what would anybody say? They would say, 'There's a hole in your driveway that's filled with sand.' But nobody would say there's no hole. There's a hole that's filled with sand.

27:15 When we turn towards the things that we're addicted to, that's filling the hole. There's a spiritual hole in our life. We're filling that hole with sand. But the hole itself is still there. The hole itself hasn't been diminished. The only way to fill the hole is min b'mino. You have to put the authentic stuff in. We all have a spiritual hole in our life. That's the nature of humanity. We're all missing something. We were born. We were created. We exist outside of our kadosh baruch hu, so to speak. And we feel that. The only thing that we could fill that back up with is God Himself. The only way to be in a healthy relationship is with two people that are connected to something that's higher than themselves. Or the way that my rebbe said it, which I think is also a very beautiful way of saying it. He said, "Before you get married" You have to buy into the concept of marriage.

28:04 What's the concept of marriage? That there's something bigger than me. " Start a chabrus with your husband. That's beautiful. When you guys are having a piece of cake while you're learning, do they come out with all sorts of sparklers? I imagine your whole life is like one giant party. We try. That's a beautiful thing. I'll tell you, my grandmother passed away a couple years ago during COVID. I was with my great aunt today. She lives here. She's ninety-nine years old. Ninety-nine. She's a hundred percent with it. She does. She walks without a walker. She's like a hundred. It's an unbelievable thing. So we were talking about my grandmother. Seeing my great aunt is very beautiful and also heart wrenching because I'm connecting deeply to my grandmother through my great aunt. They were best friends. Not a day of their life went by where they didn't speak to each other.

29:18 My grandfather and my grandmother, from what I'm told, had a very interesting marriage. It was an old marriage. It was like different expectations. We'll say it like that. In fact, the story goes that my grandfather Who passed away when I was five years old. My grandfather was sitting in the living room with my father when my father was dating my mother, and he called out to my grandmother in the next room. He calls. He goes. Sarah, make me a sandwich. Five minutes later, my grandmother came in with a sandwich. My father had never seen anything like that before. My father's like a funny guy, so he goes, "Hey, Sarah, make me a sandwich." So my grandfather elbowed him, and he goes, "Hey, kid, don't ruin a good thing." You know, like that was their relationship. When my grandfather died, my grandmother went out Like on dates. She went out three times.

30:15 Each time it was one and done. She wasn't going through a shatun, but it was one and done each time. I asked my grandmother Grandma Sarah, why didn't you ever get married again? She looked at me and said it was so weird. I went out after your grandfather died. I felt like I was cheating. I was married, but my husband wasn't alive. But I was still married. And I could never bring myself to be in a relationship with anybody else. My grandmother had an old school marriage. I don't know that my grandfather and my grandmother had the healthiest marriage. But what they had was a devotion to something that was higher than themselves. My grandmother was devoted to my grandfather because she was devoted to marriage. It was bigger. They lived beneath. A larger concept that they themselves bought into. That's where a healthy relationship comes from.

31:15 It's not two people trying to control each other. It's two people trying to create this thing called marriage. Which is an unbelievable gift. And today, it's so difficult to do that because you have to come in with a real sense of self. That's why girls ask the question all the time: How do I know when I'm ready to date? And you get this question in a million different forms. Do I need to have my hashkafas worked out? Is it like, do I need to be financially independent? Do I need to know what I want in life? All of those things are going to change throughout your life so often. Whether you're financially independent or financially dependent, those things will come and go. Some of you in this room will probably end up fabulously wealthy, and some of you might struggle. And there might be times where it's up and down.

32:06 You might think you know what you want today, but in ten years from now, I guarantee you will have evolved. When my wife and I got married I was the biggest misnagid in the world. I hated Chassidus. And three years into my marriage, I started learning Chassidus. That was hard because my wife married somebody who was anti-Chassidus, and it became my whole life. You're going to evolve. For sure, you're going to evolve. So what's the core answer to that? You know what the answer is. If you're enough for yourself and you're ready to share your life with another Then you're ready to get married. All the other things they can be worked out; those are details. But the core is: Am I ready to give to another person? That's what the Mishnah Nubos means. Everyone knows the first two. If I am for my, if I'm not, if I'm not for myself, who am I for? If I'm only for myself, then what am I? But the third one doesn't seem to connect The time is now. What does that have to do with anything?

33:13 You know what the answer is. The first thing that a person needs in life is to be enough for themselves. And then it's ukesha anila atzmi mahani. If I'm only for myself and I'm not sharing my love with the rest of the world, then what am I doing? But here is the kicker: a person who's truly in self doesn't wait. People do this all the time. They say, "Ilu hayis." If I was in a different situation, if I was married to a different person, if I was living in Eretz Yisrael, girls say that all the time. If I was back in Eretz Yisrael, it would be totally different. I felt like I was in Yerushalayim; it was totally different. We're all waiting for conditions to change to do the right thing, and it never works like that. There is no time. Get this question all the time.

33:59 As somebody's on the phone with me tomorrow Shaila, should they have more children? Should they not have more children? None of these things are dependent on conditions; they're dependent on an internal state. When you are internally in self, everything else works itself out. There's a rabbi in New York. His name is Rabbi Shes Tew. Some of you have heard of Rabbi Tew. He has a great line. He says, "One of the most. You should have told me." I would have posted one of the most. Do you want me to post it? We like that. He says the most spiritual song in the world was sung by Uncle Moishy. Uncle Moishy, right? Uncle Moishy said as follows: "Don't walk in front of me" I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend, and together we will walk in the ways of Hashem. Did you grow up with that song? You all grew up with that song. Good.

35:07 Think about the words of that song; they're exceptionally powerful. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. There are people in life that will attempt; it will happen, absolutely. Maybe it's going to be in business, maybe it's going to be in the community, Chassvashalom in your own family, but there will be people that say, "You follow my lead." Lose your identity. You do what I tell you to do. There are rabbanim that do this. Be especially careful of rabbanim that tell you the way to think. You have a head. Think for yourself. It's important to have a rebbe to bounce things off of. But there are rebbeim that can be controlling and tell you this is the way you should think. And by the way, they might tell you no. I'm training you how to think. Listen very carefully. Are they training you how to think, or are they telling you what to think? I'm training you to think like I want you to think. Maybe you think like you want to think. That's okay.

36:02 You have to have permission to be yourself. So don't walk in front of me. That's not a healthy relationship. Don't walk in front of me. Don't try to lead. That's not a healthy relationship. But also, don't walk behind me. Don't walk behind me because it's not my job to tell you who you are. It's not your job to tell your husband who he should be. It's not even your job to tell your children who they should be. What is our job? To be with others on a journey, to walk next to people And that's the most beautiful gift that we can give each other. A chaver of mine reached out to me. I was going through something, and he was going through the same thing. So he reached out to me earlier this week Just to check in to see how I was doing and I wanted to check in with him to see how he was doing.

37:01 And he told me the following: it's a very beautiful story. It's not a true story, but it's a martial. He said a man fell into a hole. And a doctor walked by And he calls out to the doctor and he says, "Hey doctor" Can you get me out of the hole? The doctor pulls out his prescription pad, writes a prescription, and throws the prescription down into the hole. He's holding the prescription in the hole. He says, "It doesn't help me. I can't get out of the hole with a prescription." And then a rabbi walks by And he goes, "Rabbi" Can you get me out of the hole? And the rabbi starts davening. That's very nice, but it doesn't get him out of the hole. And then his friend walks by And he says, "Hey, can you get me out of the hole?" And his friend jumps in the hole with him.

37:49 And he goes, "You idiots!" Now we're both stuck in the hole. He goes, "Yeah, but now you're not alone anymore." It's okay for us to be in the hole. If we weren't embarrassed, we would know that every single one of us is in a hole, and most of us are in the same hole. But nobody wants to tell each other that we're in the same hole because it's embarrassing to admit that maybe you have a problem. And that's okay because we shouldn't tell everybody, but we should tell some people, the right people. And those people will jump in the hole with you. And they could just be next to you. They could accompany you on your journey, and that's a healthy thing. That's the way a relationship is supposed to look. It's two people journeying through life together. Giving each other a sense of belonging because they have a belonging from within, each one of them creates this nuclear power of belonging.

38:40 Is that not the most exceptional gift? Would you not want that in a relationship? Who amongst us doesn't want that? And the reason we don't have that is not because of the people that we're with, but because we're lacking it from within. That's the nature of codependency. When we don't have it, the first thing we say is, "If my husband was more like this, or if my wife was more like this, or if my friends were more like this." Stop looking outside of ourselves. Let's look in. Are we really, truly enough for ourselves? Are we really connected to our Kaddish Baruch Hu? If we're sitting with two people, are we sitting and learning Torah? Is the Shechina present in our lives? Because if you're not connected to that higher power, you're not connected to yourself. Rabbi Palkowitz The Katsadik of Rakh, who was the Rav of the White Shul in Farakway, and if you hear the White Shul in Farakway, he was one of the major Abanim of building Tiferet America. He had the greatest line.

39:32 He said, "In marriage, you don't need to find somebody who thinks like you." You need to find somebody you can think with. It's a beautiful line. Everyone's like How do I know if my hashkafas exactly match up? I'm like, 'You don't. You don't know that.' The question is, as you're journeying through life, can you think together through these things? Because life gets exceptionally complicated. And you're not going to agree on everything. But the question is, are you with somebody you can think together with? And if you're not, what can you take responsibility for so that you can start to be a couple that thinks together? With this in mind, I'd like to return to the story of Korach. Let's now see the relationship of Korach as somebody who is that chaotic narcissist And Moshe Rabbeinu as somebody who's in self. Read it again. Vayikach Korach.

40:32 Who was Korach? Was a nasi? Was a great man? A leader in Klal Yisrael But ultimately, he was somebody who wasn't enough for himself. He didn't have a strong sense of self. He was a taker. He was somebody who traded love. He was somebody who made big promises to Klal Yisrael. I'm going to take you guys out, not because he authentically believed in every single Jew. But because it was a way of manipulating people to follow him. That's the nature of Korach. He was a narcissistic leader. And be very, very careful in life of narcissistic leaders. You can tell who they are if you pay attention. Sometimes they might make you feel amazing about yourself. But at their core, they're trying to use you to become one of their soldiers. They talk like this. I once met somebody in Kiev. I wanted to run away from this person as fast as I could, but unfortunately I was trapped with them.

41:28 I was hired as a scholar in residence, and I had to be there for an entire Shabbos. And the first moment I met him, within the first fifteen minutes of meeting him, this is what he said to me: "I wanted to throw up." He said, "You know why people give me money?" You know why I'm so good at fundraising? Because I make people Shomeres Shabbos, and people pay for results. I feel so badly for every person you come in contact with Because he saw it as his mission: "Look, I'm going to make people something And then people are going to pay for that." That's not that's not a way of kiryuv. It's not a way of kiryuv to say like I'm going to make you be a shomer Shabbos. The way of kiryuv is like kiryuv varnachoyin. We're going to love people. And then mameila they're going to believe in themselves. And if they believe in themselves, perhaps they'll be more observant.

42:17 But this diseased form of kiryuv where a person has to get somebody to do something—it's like ugh. And he said it openly. He was such a narcissist that he didn't even realize that what he was saying was sick. It's a vayikach korach type of situation. What does Moshe Rabbeinu do? What does a person do when you're in self and you see somebody else who's totally narcissistic, who's totally chaotic, and they're coming after you? Moshe Rabbeinu does exactly what we would expect. He says, "I can't control this. I'm okay, and I'm enough for myself." What Korach does is on him; it has nothing to do with me. All I can do is daven. That's what he does. Moshe Rabbeinu falls on his face. The Rishbam says he's davening. Why was he davening? Because what can you do? Can you control another person? You see this chaotic person spinning out of control.

43:12 If you get wrapped up in their chaos, you've lost the battle. Moshe Rabbeinu says it's okay. You're okay. If you want to be a narcissist, that's fine. It has nothing to do with me. I heard a ma'isa. I don't know who the ma'isa was with. Was a very chashav a therapist that had a big shilu that he needed to ask. So there was a gadol in town. This gadol was speaking in a bunch of different places. So he called the person who was in charge of this gadol who was taking him around. And he said, "Would I be able to get a ride from one event to the next so that I could ask my shilu in the car?" So said no problem. So when the gadol was done speaking in the first place. The driver of the car gets in. The gadol is sitting in the front passenger seat. He's sitting behind the driver, and his gadol b'yisrael's wife is sitting behind the gadol.

44:06 And as soon as they got in the car, she started to berate him. She starts to say to him, "Why do you always do this? We're taking too long. You know that we have to be at three other events today, and we don't have time for you to sit and answer all of these questions." The therapist reported he said he wanted to do a barrel roll out of the car. In the movies, when it's like going at high speed and they throw open the door, and it doesn't work. By the way, don't ever try to do it; you'll die. There's no way to survive that. He said that's what he wanted to do. He said it was the most uncomfortable situation in the world. She was sitting there berating a Gdul b'Yisrael. But from his position in the car, he could see the rearview mirror in the front of the car. So he was able to see this Gdul b'Yisrael's face. And the entire time, the Gdul b'Yisrael was like this Just shaking his head.

44:55 And when she was done, what did he say to her? He goes, "I totally hear you. I felt I needed to answer those questions because they were important." And the psychologist said it was the most incredible lesson because the only way that she could have been in a fight is if he would have participated. Imagine if he would have turned around rightfully. If it was me, I for sure would have turned around. I would have said, 'What are you doing? There's people in the car. Can we?' Well, you do this later, please. Can we have this fight later? You ever hear parents do that? He was totally serene. You want to be chaotic. That's fine. But I'm not getting schlepped into this mess. That's what my shadchanu did. He said, I'm not getting schlepped into this mess. I'll daven. We're gonna leave it up to our kol shemorah. I'm not gonna argue with you. Hashem will show who's right. If you're right, I'm happy to be wrong. I'm not involved. I'm disengaged. Detached is a very healthy word.

45:55 Detached doesn't mean so that you can leave somebody. Detached is so that you can truly be with somebody. It's important to be able to practice the art of detachment, so that when somebody's going crazy, it's got nothing to do with you. That's a very healthy way of being. So this is what Moshe Rabbeinu does. And then you see that when Moshe Rabbeinu finally encounters Korach, what does he do? He speaks to him very gently. He's not taken in by any of his stuff. He's like, it's okay. It's okay. You're entitled to be who you are. I'm sure you're a hurt person. I can appreciate without pity, with genuine compassion. You're allowed to be you. But then, when he saw that Korach wasn't going to change, what does Rashi say? Moshe Rabbeinu had to speak up in a harsher way to make sure that other people wouldn't follow Korach. Do you hear how in self Moshe Rabbeinu was such a beautiful thing? Here's a person who came along. According to some affortion, Korach accused Moshe Rabbeinu of infidelity. He accused him of cheating on his wife.

46:51 That's a massive accusation. Moshe Avinu was fine Totally himself. But when it came to dealing with other members of Klal Yisroel, Chasv Shalom falling into that trap, Moshe Avinu said, "Okay." And now it's time to be strong, and he was able to choose. There's a Rebbe in Farakwe. His name is Rabbi Chorney. Have any of you heard of Rabbi Chorney? Probably nobody's heard of him. Have any of you heard of Moshe Weinberger? Rabbi Chorney was a Weinberger's chavrusha And whatever of Weinberger is being, Rabbi Chorney is benister. Rabbi Chorney works very, very hard that nobody should know who he is. He's a tremendous tzaddik. I doubt the man has ever raised his voice in his entire life. It's adkedekach. Sometimes it's hard to speak to him. I go over him, I'm like, Rabbi, how are you? This is what he does. I'm good, Baruch Hashem. How are you?

47:50 What's Rabbi learning now? I'm like it's like we have a. He watches every word that comes out of his mouth. He's an unbelievable tzaddik. About 17 years ago Shabbos morning A dear friend of mine was walking to Shul with his six-year-old son. And a gentile man from the neighborhood jumped out from behind a dumpster with a gun, and he said to him Give me your money, or I'll shoot. So my friend, walking with his six-year-old son, said, "It's my Sabbath, and I don't have any money on me." And he shot him. He shot him. In Nice, Nigle There was a Hatzalah guy who was walking to shul. Twenty seconds later, he found my friend shot. Hatzala was there within two minutes. They had him in the hospital within half an hour, and Baruch Hashem he lived. We did shifts at night. Everyone was taking care of him; there should be somebody there all the time.

49:00 So I was the first shift on Sunday night. So I went to Queens. He was in Jamaica Hospital. I got an extra large shwarma from Pizza Hut. I walked into his hospital room. I saw he was all like had all these tubes coming out. It was like total. I thought he was sleeping. I was very quiet. I'm eating my shwarma. And all of a sudden I hear him. I'm like, "Berk!" So I quickly put down my shwarma and I went over to him. I'm like, "Yeah, Leo, what's going on?" And he goes Smells good. The next night Rabbi Chorney, who was this guy's rebbe Rabbi Chorney took a shift in the hospital. And my friend was in a tremendous amount of pain And it was taking time for the doctors to get him the medicine he needed. I didn't hear the story with my own ears, I didn't see the story with my own eyes, but I heard that Rabbi Chereni all of a sudden got very stern.

49:57 And he started speaking in a very stern way with the doctors and the nurses. He said, "You need to get him the medicine right now, and he's in pain." And they said it was so out of character because here's a person who every single word that comes out of his mouth is so chesed, and so sweet and so gentle. The nicest person in the world. I didn't believe the story. I checked it with three different people. And then I realized that was his godless. His godless was that in a moment where he was called upon to be stern, he was able to access that part of himself also because he's not a pushover. You think sometimes with these sadiki, these guys who are like adal maidels? They're the gentlest. You go on a date with these guys, how are you? Nobody likes those guys, right? I know some of you like them. I had a friend who was like that. He was my roommate.

50:44 And he married a girl that was also like that. Like the two, what can I do for you? Like that type of like. Under their chuppah, the Masada kedushin was the manahel of our yeshiva. I was one of the adim. Under the chuppah, the manahel looks at me and he goes How much does it bother you that you know this couple will never fight? So I was like, "Rebbe, maybe it's not the time to have this conversation." We're supposed to marry them off now. The Rabbi Cherni is the ultimate Adel person. Moshe Abin was the ultimate Shimon Avnelevi. He was totally calm until it was time to stand up, and then he was totally intense. It wasn't because he lost himself; it's because he knew who he was. There is a time with your children, L'mashia. There is a time to be able to come to your child and say We're not going in this direction.

51:34 And it's okay, and speaking in a gentle way. There is also a time to say, 'Absolutely not.' And say it in a more stern fashion. And if you can't do that, that means you're not in self. Some people think, 'But I'm so kind to everybody. I'm so in self.' No, just because you're kind to everybody doesn't mean you're in self. It might mean that you're not. It might mean that you're a pushover. And there's no strength in being a pushover either. This is why Moshe Rabbeinu doesn't respond to Karas' argument Because we don't ever get into arguments with people that are not interested in having a real conversation. When you do get married, and for those that are married in the audience, most fights that you have with your spouse can't possibly be won because you're not really fighting about the thing that you're fighting about.

52:21 And you're not really. If you even win the argument, it's like, did we really win the argument? Because we weren't really arguing about that. The proof that you're not really arguing about that is when you start an argument over here, it usually ends up over here. It's like you didn't take out the garbage. I'm always doing everything for everybody. I didn't take out the garbage because I'm so busy supporting the family. You don't appreciate the fact that I take care of the kids. You never liked my mother, right? Because the fight that you're having is not about any of those things. It's that we're each feeling disconnected from ourselves, yearning for the other person to give us the validation that can only be drawn from within. Moshe Avinu says, 'I'm not going to engage in a fight about these things. We're not going to have a philosophical conversation about how every Jew is holy. Of course, every Jew is holy. But that's not what's going on over here.' You are rebelling against God.

53:10 Where did Moshe Rabbeinu know that from? Where does he know that he's rebelling against God from? Because when a person becomes chaotic, by its nature, that's a rebellion against God. Because if you were in touch with God, you wouldn't be chaotic. You would be in self, and being in self would mean that Korach would have said, "It's hard for me to feel like Aaron and Cohen have a more prestigious position than I have." If Korach was himself, He would have acknowledged that he had that feeling, and he would have said, "It's okay that I feel that way." But the fact that he couldn't get there was because he was rebelling against God. And with this, we can understand why the ground swallowed him alive. It was a perfect punishment. The punishment fits the crime. That's what Korach did. He was somebody who swallowed up other people. He said, "You're all going to follow me. I'm going to make you feel like a million bucks. I'm going to trade for your love." He was swallowing people alive, and so the punishment fits the crime. The ground swallowed him up.

54:05 It's amazing how the parshas of the Torah become more and more relevant as we get closer to the coming of Mashiach. I don't know how they understood this parsha in the Torah before we had the language of codependence. I don't know what they did before Alcoholics Anonymous. But I believe Be'Amunah Shleima that for our generation, this story. Is more relevant than ever before. We are a generation that has been blessed with exceptional materialism and good materialism, and materialism that we're using in the most holy of ways—a beautiful home, but a home that's filled with Torah; a delicious restaurant. But Torah was spoken at the table And people were making brachas and klal yisrael. We have such unbelievable wealth in our community today. But if we're being honest, we also know that there's a trap that people are trading spirituality for materialism And they're meant to go together.

55:07 It should be a wake-up call that if we lose that sense of connection that we have to the Abanis Lom that resides within ourselves. Then we lose the connection to ourselves, and if we lose the connection to ourselves, that means we lose our capacity to deeply connect to another. Because if we don't belong within, there's no way we can belong without. B'ezr Hashem, we should be zeicher to have a deep connection to the Rebbeinu Shlomo.