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So yesterday we were discussing different paradigms of the child with low self esteem And now we're going to finish that up And we're going to talk about different parenting strategies for elevating a child's self esteem. The last paradigm we're going to speak about is the child who naturally believes that he's going to fail. The difference between a human being and an animal. Is that other life forms are very self-sufficient And human beings are dependent on their parents. For a very long time Even when a human being is capable of sustaining themselves, they're still dependent on their parents. And dependency Is not great for self-esteem. Why? Because self-esteem is built on two things—an independent and a capable identity—and a child lives in a world And sometimes an adult lives in such a world too. Where we are dwarfed by the world around us. We feel helpless.
And we naturally feel anxious. Let's take the period of time that we're currently living in. We're currently living through Corona. So naturally, there's a feeling of helplessness in the world. There's nothing we can necessarily do. We're waiting for governments to come together to be able to solve the problems. We're waiting for medical companies to come out with vaccines and with antibodies that they'll be able to develop into vaccines, which Baruch Hashem happened here in Israel yesterday. But lemaisa A person naturally feels very helpless. And because we feel helpless, so there's a lack of independent. There's a lack of a feeling of independence. And independence is critical towards building an identity, which, as we explained, is critical towards building self-esteem. Not only that But we are dwarfed by the world around us. I'll tell you that my Rebbe Riviyuda Parnaschliya Many years ago, he had a line. He said, "We shrunk the world."
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We shrunk the world. What did he mean when he said we shrunk the world? It used to be that if a person wanted to call across the world, they didn't have the capacity. Then we developed phones, and it was very expensive to call across the world. Today, we can FaceTime, Zoom, or WhatsApp video message, so we can call anywhere in the world. We shrunk the world. But in so doing, we also realize now how present the challenges of the world are around us. So things that happen across the globe are often very no gaia to us. So it can be very challenging for a person when he feels like Everything in the world is constantly being held over me. And that can give a person a feeling of being dwarfed by the world. So what does a child do in such a situation where he feels helpless? He feels anxious because he's not necessarily in control. He hasn't developed an independent identity.
So parents become the lifeline for the child to hold on to. And the parent to the child is perfect. And the child. My daddy is bigger than your daddy, right? Why does a child say that? Because a child is holding on to the feeling that their parents provide them with safety in a world in which they are helpless. But there are dangers that come with that And the danger is as follows. Let's say a parent acts unjustly or overly harsh with the child. So then it's not easy for the child to simply say my parents are wrong. Because if the child says my parents are wrong which they may be But if the child says the parents are wrong, they've sacrificed a tremendous amount. What have they sacrificed? They've sacrificed the lifeline they have in a world in which they feel helpless and are dependent on the parents.
So it's very possible that as parents we will make mistakes. It's very possible that as parents we will be in bad moods, and as a result of our mistakes and our bad moods, we may take it out on the children. But that puts the child in a very uncomfortable position. Either accept that I am a bad child, and that's why my parents spoke to me that way, or disciplined me in a way that wasn't fair. Or alternatively, it's lose the lifeline that provides them safety in this world. So even though it's human for parents to make mistakes like that, we have to understand the position that our children are in when we do that. This means that when a parent does need to discipline the child, the discipline should be appropriate and fair. But it also needs to be careful to hold on to the lifeline between the parents and the child.
For example We want to discipline our children to stop a certain behavior. That's the purpose of discipline. The child is engaged in a negative behavior. We want the child to stop that behavior. So now the question is as follows: How do you discipline in such a way that it stops the particular behavior But also continues to fuel the feeling of connection that exists naturally between the parent and the child. Because if the discipline cuts at that lifeline, the child will be left stranded. And so the key is to make sure you're disciplining the action. And not telling the child that they are to be shamed for what they did. There's a fundamental difference. When you're disciplining an action, the communication to the child is this is an inappropriate action, unworthy of someone like you. When you're disciplining the child and you're making the child feel bad for the action he did, you're saying you did a terrible thing.
And now the focus is not on the action. The focus is on the person. In such a situation, the child will have very little recourse but to either become ashamed of who they are. Or to disconnect themselves from the parents. Either way, there's going to be a very deleterious impact on raising that child. And children who have a deep sense of shame will naturally see themselves as losers in the world, and they won't be able to engage the world in a way in which they feel capable of becoming independent. Let's stop here for ten seconds for station identification, just to review very quickly before I take questions. The idea that we shared is that low self esteem is human. It's defined. It comes about because we have an extended period of dependency. We need independent An independent and capable identity in order to build self-esteem. Our world is one in which we feel helpless. Parents become the lifeline and the security for the child. As a result, the parent becomes the perfect parent. When a parent acts unjustly or overly harsh or disciplines the child, as opposed to disciplining the action of the child, we will create a situation in which the child will either become deeply ashamed or cut off from the parents.
Any questions? Any clarifications? Yes. The idea that dependency is what causes low self esteem, and then that the parents are the lifeline. Isn't that another form of dependency? It's okay to be dependent, right? Remember that there are three stages in a person's life: dependent, independent, and interdependent, and we need to go through all three in order to get to a healthy person. So when a child is young, they should be able to have a healthy dependency on their parents. And a healthy dependency means my parents are a place of safety. My parents are a place of love, and they're giving me the fuel and the courage to build my independent identity. That brings us to stage two. In stage two, the parents need to pull back. They need to allow the child to be independent. They need to be really focusing on empathy, making sure the child is really feeling that sense of an independent identity, which even starts already in stage one, creating the feeling that you're going to be okay and go out.
When a person has healthy dependency and healthy independence, they're able to be interdependent. Interdependent is the stage of marriage, where I depend on you, but I retain my independent identity. If we're lacking in dependency or we're lacking in an independent part of our life, it's going to be very difficult to be interdependent. I'm not saying that dependency creates low self-esteem. When the child is in a state of dependence, we have to make sure that dependence is appropriate. Does that make sense, Nachi? I got it. Thank you. Any other questions? Yes. I have a question. Yosef, you said when disciplining a child, don't discipline the child himself. Discipline their negative action or how? What does that happen? And what exactly does that mean? So let's take the following example, Yosef. Let's say a child. Steals from a parent. Let's make it an interesting case. The child wanted to go out with their friends. Their friends have money. This child doesn't have money. The child is nervous about feeling stupid. Everybody else is going to have. I just want to get a nice coffee like everybody else. So the child goes into the parent's wallet, thinking the parent is never going to notice the money is missing anyway, and decides to take five dollars out of the parent's wallet.
Child comes back. How was your day? It was good. Baruch Hashem. What did you do? I went out with my friends. You had a good time. Where did you go? We went walking around wherever we went. We went to Pico. Later that night, you hear the child talking about, let's say, to one of their siblings. We went out. We got iced coffees. It occurs to you. Wait a second. This child doesn't have any money. Where did the child go to get that iced coffee? You now choose to confront the child. Which is a choice. But you choose to confront the child. And the child Intuitively, you know the child took the money because otherwise, where are they going to get it from? They took the money from somewhere. What you do is let's say you find out and you put the kid in a position where now you say to the kid, listen You gotta own up to this. We need to know what happened over here. Let's say the child admits it. Right now, you have two choices.
You are bad for having stolen that money. Which is, by the way, what a parent may say when they get really frustrated. They may say, "How could you have done this?" Now the focus is on you are a bad child. Whereas if the parent practices empathy, the avoda of the parent is going to be to understand where the child is coming from in order to help the child. It doesn't mean that what the child did is okay. It doesn't mean that what the child did is justified. It just means it's understandable. And because it's understandable, you might choose to discipline differently. For example, if a parent will say to the child, "What was going on that you felt you needed to take that money?" You may be able to hear different answers. The child may not have the sophistication to say these things, but you, as the parent, might be able to hear it.
The child may have felt that if they come to you to ask They were going to get roasted. You're always asking me for money. And that can be really uncomfortable for a child, right? So asking could be really unpleasant, and so they felt they had no choice. It may have been really important to the child for social reasons to go out and get that iced coffee, because all their friends are doing it and it's cool. And if they didn't have it, then they wouldn't feel socially accepted. It may be for a million reasons, but the point is because you've been empathic and you've created a space to really understand the child, your discipline now is not going to tell the child they're bad. It's going to tell the child because you are a godly soul, you are worthy of a more beautiful behavior. And let's address the issues that have come up.
If you're afraid to come to me, maybe that's something the parent needs to ask themselves and say What's going on over here? There's an environment of fear that the kid can't come to me and ask Or maybe not. Maybe the parent is not creating an environment of fear. Maybe legitimately, this kid is asking for too much, and now you have to ask yourself, 'Well, why is that happening?' So the process of being reflective and looking inside of yourself as the kid is talking to ascertain what the child is saying. That's you know that's really that's really important. One of the people, just one of the chaver, messaged me privately. I want to be clear. I'm not saying that low self esteem comes from parents. Obviously, it can come from a million places, but the primary influence, the one that we can control, is the way that we respond to our children. So the focus here, because it's a parenting class, the focus is going to be on the parents. It's quite possible that a kid is going to have a wonderful, loving home and they're going to go to school. And they're going to get beat up by their peers, and that could be a cause for low self-esteem.
So we're not suggesting that parents are the cause of a child's low self esteem. Any other questions? So we'll continue. Now we want to get into for the rest of the year what we as parents can do to elevate a child's self esteem Because as I said, that's the only thing we're in control of. We're in control of how we choose to respond to our children. So what can we do to help our children? Knowing that we are not in control, we also know that we are responsible as parents for the environment that we create in the home. So when a child suffers from low self esteem, there are things we can do to build up the children's self-esteem. Number one, and this is super important. Children learn through osmosis. And what that means is that if children have I'm sorry, if parents have low self-esteem, then whether they realize it or not, that's what they're role modeling for their children.
And a child will naturally pick up. Some of you may think of this as I'm speaking right now. I would encourage you to take the opportunity and think about your own homes. Were your homes places of strong self-esteem? And if they were, you'll probably recognize that those values were communicated to you. You saw them and imbibed them without even knowing that you were. So first and foremost, if you want to gift your child with a strong sense of self, a strong sense of identity, self-esteem Look inwards first. Your self-esteem will have a great impact on their self-esteem. That should be obvious. That's number one. Number two Do we know what's actually bothering our children? Are you, as a parent, in tune with your child's life? As a parent, you're going to naturally answer that question by saying yes.
But I want you, when you become parents, to remember that when you were sixteen years old, you may have thought that your parents had no clue what was going on in your life. As many young men over the years have told me, and I see some of you smiling right now, so for those of you that are smiling, I know who I'm talking to. Parents say, 'I'm very close with my child. We know what's going on in their lives,' and the kids will go, 'Okay, but it's not fair.' And then they'll start crying, like, 'Oh, I just don't know what to do here.' And then they go into their rooms and they laugh their heads off, as if their parents have a clue what's actually going on. And as a parent, you have to remember that your child will choose to show you some of themselves, but they may not choose to show you all of themselves. That's why, as a parent, you really need to pay attention.
And you really need to develop hypotheses about your children. And what that means is as follows. But you really have to pay attention to what your child is going through and you have to try to intuit again. Be curious and ask questions, but you may not always get the answers, especially when they're teenagers. So you have to try to intuit theories about what's going on in order to help the child, because it may not always be so obvious. And one way of helping your child develop self-esteem is to really pay attention to their needs. Try to intuit what's bothering them. Listen to what children say. And then listen to the subtext of what children are saying. So let's take that on a very simple level. You know how Ellie. A kid comes home from school and says, "I don't want to be. I don't want to be his friend anymore."
Why don't you want to be his friend anymore? I don't know. He's just not nice to me. He was. I saw him not being nice to somebody. Let's say the kid is seven or eight years old. As a parent, Ellie, what's going to be your hypothesis? In other words, it's you're you're. Oh wow, Ruvein! You saw Ruvein recess. He really wasn't including people. And then as a parent, you might wonder. Are you Ruvein? Meaning the child may not have the courage to say that his friend picked on him at recess and made fun of him. So instead, he'll say it about somebody else, and maybe you file that away. It's just something to keep in your head. It's part of a hypothesis. Or a child comes home and says, 'I hate this teacher. This teacher is so mean.' What did the teacher do? Everybody was saying that the teacher is giving too much homework. Maybe the teacher is giving too much homework, but you might develop a hypothesis that if the kid is saying everybody is saying He's also trying to identify with the group.
So you have to be smart enough to listen to what the child is saying and also to try to listen to the subtext of what the child is saying. Try to listen beneath the surface. And again, acknowledge the feeling that your children are expressing. And also try your best not to solve the child's problem. But let the child know that you are with them, because that gives the child two things. Number one, it gives them a feeling of assurance. My parent is with me, and it also gives the child hope. Because when the child has a strong system behind them, that allows the child to feel like I'm okay. I have a place where I'm grounded, and that will give me the courage to then go out and reengage in some of the difficult realities of the world. Let's stop here for some questions. So far this must have been clear. Weiter.
Praise. We have a lot of strategies to get through today, so we're going to move a little bit fast. Praising a child is very important. Flattery is exceptionally damaging. There's a difference between praising your child and flattering your child, and here's the key difference. Praising a child. I'm sorry. Let's do flattery first. Children are exceptionally sensitive to exaggeration and things that aren't true. So it's true that a child needs positivity. And praise is a great way of letting a child know that you see them, and you're with them, and they're wonderful. That's an amazing gift. But if you cross the line into flattery, and you start flattering them for things that aren't true, it will actually have the exact opposite effect, because the child will say, 'Oh my God, my parents are praising me about things that aren't true.' That means they really have nothing to praise me for.
Because it's so ridiculous that they're flattering me. The child is aware. So as parents we need to be very creative in order to find the positive, and to be able to enjoy that experience with the child. For example, let's say your child makes a painting, and they come home with the painting, and honestly, the painting is terrible. Now we're not talking about a five-year-old that comes home with like your average painting, and they actually think it's wonderful. Let's say you are a nine-year-old who came home from an art class. You're looking at the painting and you're like, that is not great. And the child knows that the painting is not great. So what should you do? If you praise the painting and say, 'Wow, that's amazing,' the kid looks at you and says, 'What are you talking about?' This painting is not amazing at all. This is a terrible painting.
And that actually gives the child a feeling of Why are you praising me over this? It must mean that I'm really not worthy of praise. So what we can do is find creative ways to be with a child and give them those feelings of assurance and positive feelings, even when things aren't so great. For example, let's say your kid is not so good at basketball because they're little. Telling them you're amazing at basketball is a lie. Playing basketball with them, and praising the process and saying when it's authentic, I see you're really getting better. That's meaningful to the child because the child can say to themselves, 'Yeah, I am getting better,' and here's the positive reinforcement that came along with that. My father sees that I'm getting better. And my father takes the time to spend with me to help me get better. So praising Praising something is always authentic. Flattery is inauthentic. It's either an exaggeration or a lie, and as a result, it's going to diminish exactly what you are trying to do. So be alert.
Be alert for opportunities to praise the child. You might say to me Rebbe. This sounds like a tremendous amount of work. It sounds like a tremendous amount of dedication. It sounds like a tremendous amount of time and energy, and it sounds like a tremendous amount of focus. And my answer to you is absolutely. It is all of those things. Parenting is a sacred trust, and it's one that should take up a tremendous amount of energy. Again, I'll share with you a personal story. I'll share with you a personal story. I knew that my father worked exceptionally hard. Very often he would travel. And he would take day trips where he would travel. He would get on a plane and travel to the Midwest, then come back that night. Some days he was leaving at five o'clock in the morning to catch a seven o'clock in the morning flight. He had a mid-afternoon meeting. He was on a flight back and was walking in at nine o'clock at night. Sometimes he could do those trips two or three times a week.
So I knew that came Shabbos. He was exhausted. But Shabbos morning, we would go to Hashkama Minyan. We would come home, make kiddush. My mother would go out to the regular Minyan, so we had at least two or three hours to ourselves. And my father would spend that time playing board games with us. Shabbos morning, we played Stratego. He taught me how to play chess. Different games that we would play. I'm Kaninahar. I'm forty years old. I still remember the time that my father spent with me. Now I knew my father was exhausted, but he wanted to spend time with me. Then Sunday afternoon My father loves the NFL. Back in the day, we didn't have league pass and thousand-inch screens, so you couldn't see everything at once. But we did still have football back then, and believe it or not, people used to record the games on video cassettes. Do you guys know what a video cassette is? It was like before CDs. They were like a little box. You've seen them. It was like a big tape player. It was like a big tape.
I just found some old recordings. You found some old recordings from the ancient world of the early nineties. David. So what happened? My father would tape the Giants game or the Jets game, whichever was the one o'clock game. He would tape that game, and he would be our little league coach. Now I remember distinctly. It probably happened once a year. That on a Sunday Where he really wanted to see the game, he would tape it. We would go out. He was my little league coach, and inevitably, as we were driving home, when parents were picking up their children, somebody would say Did you see the Giants won? And I would see his face. Guys, you know that feeling. You know that feeling when someone tells you the score and you've been keeping off of all of your social media and you keep the radio off and you're staying away from everything because I just want to see the game. Don't tell me what happened, and I would see his face.
You're killing me. And especially if somebody's like, "Oh, it was a great game. It was a last minute touchdown." He would. It would be like it was the worst thing that happened. But you know what used to bother my father? He was our coach. Now there were parents that came to the games and they would bring their lawn chairs and sit and watch their kids. But there were plenty of parents that dropped their kids off. And my father used to say, "This isn't free babysitting." This is not free babysitting. This is an opportunity to spend time with your child. And he was saying that because he wanted me to know that on a Sunday afternoon, where he was working like a dog the whole week, in Little League season, he spent time with us. So does it take dedication, energy, time, focus? The answer is absolutely. But will it be worth it? One hundred percent, it will be worth it. One hundred percent, because ultimately those are the lessons that your child will remember.
And by the way, here's just maybe a snarky comment. Somehow parents are very what's called, they're very adept at Focusing their energy on finding things to discipline their children about. So if you can focus on disciplining your child, you can certainly focus on praising your child and coming up with interesting ways to be alert for praise. Any questions? Still good. Still good. Weiter. Another one. David. Um, I was curious about the difference between praise and flattery. Praise is when they actually deserve something for an accomplishment or for the work that was done. Maybe both. It's not that we don't recognize the value of accomplishment. It's just that we really always want to focus on the process because we don't want to teach children that all they are is either successful or unsuccessful based on the outcome. But either way, we have to be careful that we're if your child did something great Blow it up Blow it up. That's an awesome opportunity to give those positives, and we should be giving ten positives for every one negative.
And it's hard to do that if you're not paying attention. But those positives go a long way. Another big one: children ascribe meaning to events where adults wouldn't necessarily ascribe meaning. For example, if your child comes to you and says, 'Can we please play a game?' And you are legitimately very busy. So you say I can't play a game right now, sweetie. I would love to play a game with you, but I can't play a game with you right now. Whether you intended it or not, the child is ascribing meaning to that moment, and the child may say something like, "You never make time to play with me." They may not notice how busy you are or how much stress you're under. They're absorbed in their own world. You gotta make time for your children, and you have to be super clear with them that they shouldn't ascribe meaning to it. You have to actually pay attention to what the kid is experiencing.
Another thing Because children ascribe meaning to things, you have a positive opportunity to notice things about the child. This helps the child feel loved. For example, it's important to know who your children's teachers are. That's important. It's important to know who your children's friends are. It's important to know what type of hobbies your children enjoy and make sure to focus your energy and let the child know that you know those things. If your child is on a sports team. Let's say your child makes JV or varsity. Go to the games. Go to the games, and when you go to the games, I shouldn't have to say this, but I will. I'm sure I'll get some of you guys smiling. Act appropriately. Act appropriately means cheer your child on. I'm seeing some of the guys welcome back. It doesn't mean storming the court and punching the ref in the face. It doesn't mean starting a fight with players from the other team or telling off the other coach. These are not positive behaviors. And I see as some of you are nodding and smiling that unfortunately I'm speaking in a world today where you have to actually say these things out loud.
You should not have to say these things out loud, but it goes without saying that a child is embarrassed when a parent behaves that way, because then it's about the parent and it's not about the child. Somebody asked privately. Obviously, we don't have an unlimited amount of time to get it dedicate to our children. How would I tell my child that I am busy during certain times appropriately? The answer to that question is to be clear. Be clear. Let the child know right now I'm not available, because I'm about to be on a very important phone call. So I'm going to make time for you, and here's when. It's not some amorphous. I'm going to make time for you in the future. Can we do this in twenty minutes? Can we have this conversation as soon as Abba's done? Or maybe I won't be done in twenty minutes, which is reasonable. Sometimes these things take longer, and the child needs to get to bed. But I'm gonna make time for you tomorrow and give the child a clear time.
So that the child knows I am a priority. And yes, remember we don't always have as much time as we would like. So when we have the time, we have to dedicate it to our children. Now you will reasonably say back to me, Rebbe I have on my plate a massive amount. If you are asking me to be an Orthodox Jew, this is what you're asking me. You're asking me to daven with a minyan three times a day. You're asking me to learn Torah every single day. You're asking me to have a job and support my family. That means paying tuition, which you guys know is not a simple thing to do. And on top of that, you want me to be a good husband, and on top of that, you want me to be a member of my community. And at some point, I'm supposed to take care of myself and do the things that I enjoy too. I'm supposed to make sure that I have enough in the tank to be able to do these things. It sounds impossible.
You know what, Rabosai? It's nearly impossible to do, but it is possible. It requires prioritization, dedication, energy, focus. It requires scheduling yourself. It means that you're gonna have to make time for yourself, but you're also gonna have to find time to give to others, and this is what it means to be an adult. I was on the phone with a young man today. Just today, a couple of hours ago, and he's struggling legitimately. I get it. He's struggling now with balancing yeshiva over Zoom, and he's also got a lot of other stresses in his life. And we spoke about the fact that this is the challenge of the reality that we live in. It's really, really hard to be in both worlds. So yes, to our anonymous questioner, is this really hard? Absolutely. How do you tell your child what to do in an appropriate way? Be clear with them.
But then you have to go back to that child and legitimately follow through. And if you tell the child that you're going to be there forty five minutes later, then you better be there forty five minutes later. So you have with the child as well. Viter. Never. Never Humiliate a child. Yesterday, one of the chevra asked in shir. They said it's not right. A parent can embarrass a child, and a child is not able to say anything back. To that, I say absolutely not. You are never allowed to embarrass your child. And if you need to discipline your child Discipline the child privately. Wherever you possibly can. And that includes even in the privacy of their own home. Pull the child to the side, whisper in their ear. If you can't pull them into a different room, you do whatever you can to not embarrass your children. That's absolutely critical. And kal vechomer, if it's true in the home, it's certainly true in front of their friends. Now there is one exception to this rule If the child is doing something dangerous.
And you've thought creatively about how to get the child out of that situation, and you can't. Let's say you say to the kid, "Hey, can I speak to you in the other room?" And the kid defiantly says, "No, you can't speak to me in the other room." And the kid is doing something dangerous. If you have no other choice, then you have to discipline the child for the child's own safety, even though it might embarrass the child. But never, ever discipline your child in public. Don't ever humiliate your children because again it goes to the core of their identity. And because it goes to the core of their identity, if they don't develop those feelings of healthy dependence on their parents, or they feel like they are unworthy of developing their own identity because look how terrible they are It's not going to be good long term for the child. We would never embarrass somebody else in public. Chazal say if you embarrass someone in public, you lose your chelak and olam haba. Why would that not be true of a child? Same thing that's true of a person is true of a child. So to the person who asked this question yesterday, I hope I've given you an absolutely clear answer to this question.
Any questions? David. And then you could just say that when it comes to a child, it's embarrassing to talk back to their father or their mother because it's ridiculous to them. They also just as their parent doesn't have a right to, they don't have a right to. Even if what their parent is unethical. Doesn't give you the right to say no. If they're entirely telling you to do something, you know what I mean. I do. Now, more like I do know what you mean. I would only say remember that's really hard for a child. If the parent is acting inappropriately, it's really hard for the child not to respond equally inappropriately. I would certainly understand. I'm not saying it's right, but I could certainly understand why a child would behave that way. If a couple of things are left, I'm going to keep moving quickly because I want to finish this chapter today. We're finishing the section on self-esteem.
Another thing, give your children privacy and respect their privacy. Every child should have a space in your home where that is the child's space. Now that doesn't mean that your children get to lock the doors because that could be a dangerous thing. But it does mean that you knock before you come in. That is the child's space, and you have to really be careful about respecting it. And even if it means that it's only a drawer, make sure your child has a space where that is their private space. Another good way of doing this is if your child has a diary. A diary could be a really helpful thing for a child because it allows them to express their thoughts that they may not have the courage to say. As a parent, do not read your child's diary unless you think your child is in danger. It's not important to know. Violating that privacy will be tremendously damaging to the child's development and the child's sense of self-worth. The child needs to feel safe and secure enough to explore and learn from their mistakes. The child needs to learn.
How to have a place in the world that's theirs. Whether that's a room, a drawer, or a diary, respect the child's privacy. This gives the child a sense of individuality. I have a place. And remember, that's the goal. We want to get these kids to a place where they can serve God on their own. Another tip. Apologize if you wrongly accused or disciplined your child. Just because you're a parent doesn't mean you don't make mistakes. A child has feelings, and not apologizing because 'I'm the parent' It's devastating to a child, because they know that you're wrong. And a parent has an opportunity to role model and to say to the child, "Hey, we all make mistakes. So if you make a mistake, and you discipline your child unjustly or overly harsh." Apologize. There's nothing wrong with apologizing, and I'll share a quick story with you again.
A number of years ago in yeshiva, we had a talmud who had a very rocky relationship with his parents, and the parent did something inappropriate. And the child called him out on it. Which I'm not saying you should or shouldn't have done. That's not the topic today. And as a result, the child and the parents stopped speaking. And at some point, the parent called me. This was not while the boy was in yeshiva. He was already older. He was in college. In fact, he was on the verge of getting engaged, and that's why it was coming to a crescendo. And the parent said to me in the conversation, "I come from a generation where parents don't apologize to their children, and I'd rather not be at my son's wedding than be held hostage by him. I'm not speaking to you until I get my apology."
So I said, without speaking about whether or not your child is doing the right thing, one thing is for sure. He got his stubbornness from you. Because just like you're not apologizing, he's not willing to speak to you until you apologize. Now I don't understand this notion of you're saying you made a mistake. He's like, yes, but my kid's behaving inappropriately now that I made a mistake. So both of you need to soften up, and a parent has an opportunity to role model that for a child. Both the parent had a real opportunity to come and teach the child to say, 'I've made some mistakes here, but our relationship is really important to me.' That would give the courage to the child to do the same exact thing. And even though this guy was in his twenties, still a parent has an opportunity to be mechanech the child. Another one Do not compare your children to other children.
Don't do it when you're disciplining them. Why can't you be more like this one? And don't even do it in a joking way. Because children are actually really sensitive. Some guys in yeshiva have told me cases like this, and maybe this applies to some of you. Rabbi. I wasn't necessarily the best kid in high school. My older brother or my younger brother, he's the good kid. He was the one that never messed up. He was the one that was going to Nightsiders since he's a fetus. He's the one that never missed a minion. My parents never had any issues with him, and I know my parents wish that I was more like him. That again can be very difficult for a child knowing that they are the kid who's not like their sibling. Be really careful about the messages that you may or may not be sending to your children. All of your children are loved.
And in different ways. Make sure that's the message that constantly comes out. We value all of you. You all have your different strengths, and if the child will say to you, "I know you wish I was more like this one," respond authentically and clearly. I don't. I don't. You have a lot of strengths. You have a lot of things that make you special and unique, and I value you for those things. That's a great message to send to your children. Again, if you have any questions, call him out. Otherwise, I'm keeping. I'm still going, David. I'm sorry that I'm asking all the questions. That's okay. We had actually a very interesting We had a very interesting conversation last night. In my house Because I got involved in basically intercepting a sibling's phone. She's younger, and she there's a friend of hers that added her to a group chat with a lot of people who are posting things that she should not be seeing. Nobody should be seeing And she didn't even know what was going on. She claims she was just added. She doesn't know what's going on.
But there was a real question of trust here. We still have the phone, and we did what you said. Don't read through the diary. You said you have to have privacy. But here we saw there was a possible threat involved in people she may have been talking to. Turns out there wasn't anything that she was doing wrong. It was the people in the group chat who are just very bad influences. They seem to be older than her. And we just got concerned. Did we do the right thing by going through everything? Again, if your child is in danger, then all bets are off. That's that. That's not the case we're talking about. We're not talking about a kid wanting to express a negative thing about a parent in their diary. They have the right to privacy. If a kid is in a position where they're being shown inappropriate images that could have a very deleterious impact on their spirituality and on their psychology, I think it's very different.
Just a couple. A couple last things. I know I'm moving fast, but these are important. Allow children to make decisions wherever possible. Children are not just appendages. They need to develop a sense of self. When you give them opportunities and come up with creative ways to give your child the opportunity to come up with solutions to their problems, that gives the child a strong sense of identity. Not allowing the child to make decisions ultimately means that the child sees that the parents don't trust them. Make sure that it's in an appropriate time. For example, I would not let an eighth grader choose their high school. But they're going to be part of the process. At the same time, a kid who's in twelfth grade who's choosing what yeshiva to go to, the parents should really allow their twelfth grader to make that decision. They should allow their child to make the decision where they're going to college. That's fundamentally part of building the child's trust in themselves. I am capable of making a decision. Here's another one.
If you're in a bad mood Let the child know that you're in a bad mood. You may not have to. You may not necessarily tell the child why you're in a bad mood. You might or you might not. But if you're in a bad mood and you take it out on the child and you don't make amends by saying to the child, 'I was in a bad mood and I'm sorry' The it's very unsafe for a child. Children need to know that parents are human; they make mistakes and they're willing to apologize. Another one: respect your child's individuality Pay attention to your child's unique skill set and create opportunities for them to excel in these areas. If your child is not an athlete Do not insist that they play little league, because it might be really, really hard for the child that they're playing deep right field.
That kid plays right center because he's in between the center fielder and the right fielder. At least if it gets hit his way, you've increased your odds that something is going to happen. Everyone knows that center fielder. He can cover the entire outfield. He can go like all of center, like you play center and all of right field too. It's a terrible thing. We had a case when I was growing up of a kid in the neighborhood that was an amazing artist, and the parents only wanted him to play little league, and they tried to hire people to coach their son in little league. They needed to celebrate their child's success. The child was losing every time he went out for. They went out to you know. It's like I don't know if you guys know Brian Regan, but like If you're just there for the snow cone. I see Josh Goldman is with me. Ellie Schiff is with me. Baker's with me. Shops with me.
Half game snow cone, full game snow cone. I'm just here for purple is favorite. So if your kid is just there for the snow cone, maybe they shouldn't be there. There are other amazing opportunities to hang out with their friends. Respect your child's individuality. We spoke about understanding the child when they don't do what you want them to do. When children say, "I don't want to go to school" Take the time to be empathetic. It is understandable that children don't want to wake up in the morning to go to school. It doesn't mean that they shouldn't be woken up. They should be, but it's understandable. And here's a big here's the proof: the same parent that says. I don't understand why my child won't wake up to go to school. That same parent may be falling asleep in the rabbi's drasha, cause school can be boring, just like the rabbi's drasha. And if you're falling asleep in the rabbi's drasha, you should be able to understand why the child doesn't want to wake up in the morning. It's not necessarily the most exciting thing to go learn something from a man or a woman who may not be very exciting.
Nevertheless, the child has to go to school because they have to learn how to cope with the harsh realities of life. However, if you can dialogue with the child about why they dislike school, you may be able to help teach the child how to cope. For example, a child may not like school because the teacher is boring, or a child might not like school because they're getting bullied. Make sure that you have an open relationship with the child where you can actually find out what's going on because your parenting strategies might be very different in those cases. And last but not least, even though the child should be held accountable, the child should only be held accountable when it's their fault. The fact that school is boring is not necessarily their fault. So I'm not saying you don't wake the child up for school. Of course you do. The child needs to go to school. A child should learn how to cope with the harsh realities of life. We don't always get to do the things that we want to do. I would love to stay home all day.
It's not true. I love teaching you guys, but I would love to stay home all day. I would love to be sitting and learning all day. But the reality is that I have a mission. This part of my mission in life is teaching you. And even on days where you don't necessarily want to teach, you have to show up. On days when you don't want to go into your job, you have to show up. This part of becoming an adult. But what your child is going through is certainly understandable. Rabbi, thus endeth our chapter on self esteem. Have a wonderful Shabbos kiddush.
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