Practical Parenting - Let's Begin

1:55 And in changing himself, he was able to have an impact on his family, on his community, and in the world at large. The Gemara is saying, "Beferish, we're not in control of much, but the only thing we are in control of when it comes to impacting other people is the changes that we make within ourselves. So if we want to change someone else, we begin with correcting ourselves. And while this is certainly true in every aspect of life, it's particularly true when it comes to parenting. A parent should begin any process of parenting by looking at themselves first, and by checking in with themselves: Am I the role model that I need to be here? And here's why: Because first of all, focusing on the child very often, the child—I think always—the child is not necessarily in your control."

2:52 So trying to change a child may be an exercise in futility, but trying to change yourself—that's something you are in control of. To actually make significant and meaningful changes within yourself, that's something you can do. And the reason this is so critical when it comes to parenting is because children learn by osmosis, and even young children, because a lot of you guys were bringing that up yesterday. These are some things we raised, speaking about teenagers and things like that. The parent, even from a very young age, a child learns by osmosis, and a child emulates the actions of their parents, and they reflect the values of their parents. It's critical that if we want to impart a value for the Jewish mission, and if we want to enable our children.

3:48 To have the skills to fulfill that Jewish mission, first and foremost, they have to see that in us. How many Talmidim have sat in our yeshiva, and I've had the privilege of speaking with over the years, where they shared, I don't know, Rabbi. In my family, we talk about how much our Judaism means to us, but then in reality, we kind of do whatever we want, picking and choosing, and the kids know. The kids know, and when the parents turn around and they say, how come you're not more passionate about davening? It's like I learned it from watching you. If the parent wants to know why the kid is not getting up for minyan and davening nicely in school, well, what is the father's behavior? What is the mother's behavior when they're in shul? And so the first thing that we have to speak about when it comes to parenting is.

4:44 Set the example that you want your children to actually become. If you are going to raise a Jewish family, make that the center of your life, and allow your children to see it. Allow your children to see you learning on Shabbos afternoon. Allow them to see you waking up early in the morning and going to a daf yomi. Allow them to see you giving tzedakah. Allow them to see you. Again, we'll discuss a lot more about this later. But even doing tshuva when you make mistakes, it's important that the children actually see that this kihem chayenu v'orach yamenu. Because as much as you could talk a big game, ultimately children know their parents very well, and they're capable of seeing through this. This is true not only on the individual level, meaning each individual parent has to be a role model for their children.

5:40 But it's also true as a unit, the parents have to be a unit that is worth emulating. The child is learning how to exist within relationships. If the parents treat each other with respect, if the parents accommodate each other, if they stretch for each other, then the children are going to learn this is how one is meant to behave in a relationship. If the parents are constantly fighting and the children are constantly seeing strife and anger in the home, aside from the lack of safety that the child will have, it's also going to be quite obvious that the child will probably adopt those behaviors and behave in a similar fashion. As we said, children learn by osmosis; they emulate the parents; they pick up very quickly on what the values of the parents are, and then they live those values.

6:34 So if a person wants to raise a healthy child who's going to be goal oriented, building the Jewish homes of the future, continuity. The question is, where does it rank in your life? If this is something that's going to be first and foremost for your child, it has to be first and foremost for you, as an individual parent and as a parental unit. We'll stop here very quickly. Any quick questions? This was not so sophisticated, but it's worth bearing. It's worth saying first because I think it's exceptionally important. Any questions? If a child's chazav shong goes off the derech, is that 100% an indicator of the parents and the example you said at home? Definitely not. And the Gemara in Sukkah discusses this beferish that a child can go off the derech and it's not necessarily the fault of the parents. Only the way a child speaks.

7:32 It is a reflection of the parents. The Gemara says so. We don't necessarily blame the parents for the sins of the children at all. Nevertheless, here we're speaking about what we are in control of, and because bederach klal a child learns by example, it's super important that we provide that example. And if a child does go off the derach, I think it's important that if the child saw over the course of their lives that the parents are people who make mistakes and do tshuva, that will also be a very helpful thing in the child's, hopefully, in their own tshuva process. You mentioned before that I said Gemara and Misheard when you said that. I'm not sure which one. That the fault of the parents, what the child says, but at a certain point, though, I'm not sure about them, and maybe more so now.

8:27 A lot of these values of children can be picked up by their friends or other people in their lives. So I feel like it's a little bit too harsh to blame on the parents. Am I interpreting this wrong? I don't think you're interpreting it wrong. I think it's true that friends are critical in the development of a child, and we're going to discuss that. I hope, if we have time, over the course of this curriculum. However, in my experience, the number one factor in the influencing of a child is the home, and there's no doubt that bad friends or good friends can have a tremendous impact. But at the end of the day, as you get older, you'll see in the development of your own children, God willing, that there's something incredible. About how deeply connected the child is naturally to their parents, and how the behavior of the parents impacts the child more than any other influence. And so we can't necessarily control who our children's friends are, but if we've given them appropriate role modeling and we've emulated for them what we want them to carry on, hopefully they'll be able to withstand some of the tests of maybe those friends that are not necessarily headed in the best direction. Does that make sense? Yeah.

9:52 Say there are any other questions before we move on? Great. Having said that, role modeling is obviously the most important thing. We need to take the opportunity to actually understand what children are. And we're going to try to give really good definitions here. As we said, we're going to try to give the generals and the specifics. So now, if we're talking about parenting children. So we have to get a real understanding of what a child is. And the tension is the child is an independent entity, and at the same time, the child is deeply connected to his parents. So when we're thinking about parenting children, we have to think about the tension that exists in the relationship. The child is an independent entity.

10:47 Separate from the parents, their own human being with their own lives and their own skills and their own milas and chesronos, and yet the child is deeply connected to the parents. And our job as parents is to relate to the children as other than ourselves, because in truth they are independent. And so, even though there's a phenomenal relationship that exists between parent and child, the job of the parent is to see the child as their own independent entity. And we're going to see as we move on why this is so critical. At the center of parenting, there's going to be one tactic, one strategy that we're going to discuss over and over again. And here's the key word: the number one parenting strategy that we're going to use.

11:44 Because our children are independent entities from ourselves, it is empathy. Empathy means to temporarily suspend our opinion to hear the opinion of another. Empathy doesn't necessarily mean that you agree, but empathy does mean that you are creating the space for a child or for anyone to experience their own independent reality. For example, let's say you have a fight with your roommate. Your roommate comes in, or let's say even better. Your roommate had a fight with somebody else in yeshiva.

12:41 And now your roommate comes in, and he's telling you all about the fight that he just had. You may disagree with your roommate. In fact, you might find that you agree with the other person because you've also experienced your roommate this way before. But you can still empathize. You can step back, and you can really try to see this argument that your roommate had from his perspective. That is a gift that we can give to other people. Empathy is an amazing gift that we can give to other people because it really allows them to experience what happened in a very safe environment. It's going to be the number one strategy when it comes to parenting. And here's why. We're going to start off discussing as follows: If a child.

13:36 Because there is a deep connection between the parent and the child, if the child is having a fit of crying and they're throwing a temper tantrum. Remember, the child is an independent entity. That's what's critical here. So if the child is having a temper tantrum and I'm not in a state of empathy, how am I going to interpret the child's temper tantrum? I'm going to interpret it as the baby is being disobedient, the baby is ungrateful, the baby is trying specifically to drive me crazy.

14:23 And because of all of these things, my parenting strategies are going to be one where I'm speaking not to the needs of the child. Remember, we said yesterday we're trying to get to child-centric parenting, but I'm going to be parenting to my own needs. This would hold true if the child was very young, but it would also be for a teenager. Let's say you have a teenager that's acting out. That's quite common. When the teenager acts out, it's important to recognize that the teenager is an independent entity separate from you, the parent. If it's not separated, if you're not being empathic, then you're going to say, 'Oh, this kid has no akarasatov. This kid doesn't recognize all that we've done for him, and how could he just blow off curfew?' And you're going to take it very personally.

15:18 And therefore, when you're sitting down and disciplining, or even communicating with the child who blew off curfew, you're going to be parenting your own frustrations, and you're not parenting the child at all. Empathy in such a case would be okay. Let me first understand what the child was thinking. Let me see things from the perspective of the child. This doesn't mean you agree, but it does mean that you're creating space for the child to share with you, which is an amazing gift, to share with you what their experience is. So let's go back to our blowing off curfew, for example. So let's say you have a 16-year-old child, and curfew is they have to be in the house at 10:30 at night, and now it's 11:15 at night. And you might be frustrated.

16:11 Because you have work the next day, you have a minyan the next day, you have daf yomi that you're doing at 5:30 in the morning, you have a big meeting the next day, and you really needed to get to sleep. So the child now walks in the door. It's 11:15 at night, and you are nervous. Where is the child? You have a lot of emotions going on. Imagine that you're able to take a deep breath, step back, and address the issue with your child. Hey, what's going on? You're 45 minutes late for curfew. Invite. You may not be able to do it ala makom. You may not be able to do it at that moment. But when you have the opportunity, you might want to hear from the child. What was your perspective on that 45 minutes? The child may say something like, "Abba, Tati, Daddy, whatever they're going to call you."

17:02 It's not really fair that my curfew is at ten thirty at night when all of my friends have an eleven fifteen curfew, and it's really hard for me when we're sitting around and we're all hanging out together and it's ten thirty at night and I have to be the one to go, and that's really embarrassing for me, and it's really frustrating for me, and it feels like I'm a baby and it feels like you don't trust me. The child may share with you a tremendous amount of feelings and perspective that they have on the issue, and every one of these feelings is important, because in creating that space for the child, you're allowing first of all you're gaining amazing insight into the child, but you're allowing the child to be themselves, to create their own identity. Afterwards, it doesn't mean you have to give in at all. Afterwards, it's very chashuv to say, okay, given all the things that you're saying.

17:59 I am the parent. This is our rule. And it is important that you follow the rules of our family. Empathy does not mean giving in, but it does mean giving your child the space to really experience themselves. Now I want to share with you another reason why this is so important, and then we'll pause for questions or comments. Rabbi, how many people on this Zoom call have heard of children that are dishonest with their parents? As I see, some of you are nodding. You've heard of children, right, David? You've heard of children that are dishonest with their parents. Why are they dishonest with their parents? It's not necessarily because of the consequences.

18:53 It may very well be that they're dishonest with their parents because they don't feel that there's space in the relationship for them to actually share what's going on in their lives. They feel as soon as they say to their father, 'It's not fair that we have a curfew at 10:30 when my friends have a curfew until 11:15,' they feel their father's immediate reaction will be, 'Well, that's how we do things in our family.' And it's not fair that you had to keep me up an extra 45 minutes because I have a big meeting the next day. In such a relationship, the child doesn't feel safe. And again, it doesn't mean that we don't respond to the child by sharing our perspective with them. Ultimately, as the parents, we are the ones that set the tone and make the rules for our home. But creating the space to have meaningful, empathic conversations is a gift.

19:44 To the child, it allows them to experience things for themselves and develop their own identity. It's also critical to the relationship because it allows the relationship to flourish. This is a space where I'm allowed to be me, an independent me, and that is absolutely critical to the development of a relationship. That was a big yeshod. So let's take a second and get any questions because I'm sure there are some. David, you can go right ahead. When it comes to, so Rebbi's saying that you can just keep your mentality, you can keep your belief, but the child will feel ultimately more open to sharing his side. A lot of times they just won't even get into that conversation. They'll lie because they're afraid you're just going to blow them off angrily. But if you say it the same way each time they do this, and each time you argue.

20:42 It doesn't become an argument. It just becomes I hear you, but and you say it respectfully. They'll feel more open to share, or like they're still gonna understand. The tone is one thing, but they're still not gonna like it. And again, the goal of parenting is not necessarily that our children are happy with us. That's not what we're trying to achieve. A child may be happy. A child may not be happy, and it's okay if a child is upset or frustrated with the policy of a home. I wouldn't say David. I would express it a little bit differently. I wouldn't say I hear you, but. First, I would spend a tremendous amount of time authentically trying to understand the perspective of the child. So I would use a lot of empathic language, like you know, wow, that sounds like it was really hard for you, and I can really relate to that perspective. I could certainly see why where you're coming from. That's the way it is. And then I wouldn't say the word but because but negates.

21:37 As I'm looking at one Talmud in particular on the screen, he and I had this conversation earlier this year. But it negates the thing that came before that, right? So I would say, given all of the things that you said, I want to share with you. Here are some of the reasons why we do what we do, right? But even if we don't necessarily want to get into the reasons, because that may not always be appropriate, a parent has every right to say, 'I hear everything you're saying. This is the policy of our home,' and that's also important because it teaches a child boundaries. And that's absolutely critical. Rabbi, quick question. Aaron. Like different kids react different ways to certain restrictions and how strict you're on how you are on each child. Like, is there if there's a kid that they need more of an aggressive outlook on it because he won't take any cues if it's not if it's super empathic and those kind of things. Is there.

22:37 Do you have to treat each case the same, or based on each kid and how they react to it? You're bringing up such an important question. I really value that question. It's a question we have all the time in our life. We have it in business. We have it in yeshiva. We have it in our family units. And that is the needs of the individual versus the needs of the klal. Let's say you have in yeshiva a talmud that needs a little bit of a gentler approach. So you want to give him that gentle approach. But then the Talmud, who's literally his roommate, needs a more disciplined approach. How can you possibly be more lenient with one when the Talmud in the very next bed is getting a totally different experience? It's very challenging, and it's certainly true with parenting as well, because every child is going to be different. Every child, I believe, deserves to have a relationship with their parents where the parents are being empathic. That is, I think, for every kid.

23:35 At the end of the day, though, it's important to try to hold both of these things at once, and I don't think there's one clear, glott answer here. But we try to share with our children in my own home that every kids say all the time, they go, "It's not fair, right?" And our response to that as parents is, "You're right, it's not fair. We're not trying to create an equitable situation. Some kids have different needs, and we're going to cater to those needs differently than we would cater to other people's needs." So we're not trying to run "quote unquote" fair homes. We're trying to give every child what they need. But it is also true that sometimes there are overriding principles that you say, for the sake of the entire family unit. In this case, I can't be lenient, and you have that. For example, let's say you have some teenagers that are more mature, and so you may want to give them a later curfew. But you know there's a kid two years, three years later, and that kid is far less mature.

24:34 Giving the first kid a later curfew may negatively impact the second kid, and therefore you have to try to balance that. Very difficult, but either way, Aaron, I think it's absolutely mission critical that every child has an empathic relationship with their parents. But is it possible that if kids basically notice everything, if a kid sees that his brother, let's say that's very close in age. Has a lot easier time following the rules and everything, so his parents give him more leeway. But him seeing that, knowing that he has a harder time, and seeing that he has to deal with it a lot more in a lot more difficult way, it might mess with his confidence and those kind of things. And then it might also negatively affect his relationship with his parents because even though he knows that it's an issue and that his sibling doesn't have that issue, his sibling is getting more privileges. Still, since he's a kid, he's still going to be upset, and then it will negatively affect his relationship with his parents. Because even though he knows that he has problems fixing these certain things, he still feels like he's getting the negative end of his parents' control of the house for the best. And again, I think it's a very fair point that you're bringing up. Some kids have problems with obedience.

26:00 There are some kids that are rule followers, and as a result, they have a more naturally pleasant relationship with the parents. And there are some kids that are not rule followers, and that can create tension in the home. And that's why I would double down on the need for an empathic relationship. And that child who's having the obedience issues, he probably even more needs to have that space with the parents and needs that time with the parents to be able to create that relationship. Extremely strict and show your control while being very soft and kind. Absolutely, find that line. That's the job of every parent because there's that tension. We need to give the kid what they need, which may be more strict, but at the same time, it has to be done in a way of small dolchav yamin mikareves. You have to push away with the left hand. You have to draw close with the right hand. And drawing close means creating space for the child to share with you their experience. Shlomo Sarkani. Shlomo, I think you have to unmute. There you go. Sorry. So I know from my own experience that when the parent's empathizing a lot, assuming very empathetic, and then turns around and gives a consequence.

27:25 How do consequences and empathy go with one another? It seems very like explaining how they understand how they get exactly what you're going through and how kind of giving your side validation and they're saying at the same time, no, and this is your punishment. It strikes one as making the parent look emotionally dishonest. I can definitely hear that challenge from the perspective of the child. There's no doubt about it. And I'll share with you, Shlomo, that I've even had that sometimes in yeshiva, where a talmud in an honest state will have a conversation with me, and I'll say, I don't really understand you. Shlomo, if you can relate to what I'm saying right now. But the talmud may in an honest state say, Rebbe, I don't really understand you.

28:14 We have these great conversations where it seems like you really get me, and the next thing you're telling me is that if I don't show up to shachris, I'm gonna have a major consequence. There's no doubt about it. It can be confusing for the child. But what happens is that first of all, the parent that just gives in is doing their child a terrible disservice because that child will never actually get what they need. There needs to be a level of being dispassionate so that they can actually make sure that they're enforcing the appropriate rules, and at the same time, Shlomo, we're going to teach our children slowly over the course of many years that they are loved, and we can teach them that that's an important life lesson. They're loved, and they also have to follow the rules. Those are two really important things for children to learn, and again, there has to be small docha v'yamin mekareves. There has to be ten times as many positives as there are negatives.

29:10 But when the child gets the negative, hopefully it will be seen in the context of all the positive that's been created. So I guess the more general question is, how should someone like make their consequences? What should the consequence be? What's the purpose of a consequence? That's a great question. That's not for right this second, but that's going to be huge because not giving consequences, as we said, the job of a parent is not to give in. The job of a parent is to actually parent. And that means training the child, but at the same time, a consequence needs to be appropriate, and it needs to be intelligent, and it needs to actually meet the goals. Any other questions before we move on? I want to kind of sort of off what Taquman was saying. Within terms of siblings, is there a way as a parent to help nurture the sibling relationship between them?

30:09 I think that the family unit and the relationships that exist within the family unit are absolutely critical to the children developing in a socially appropriate way. Parents have to be careful not to triangulate themselves into relationships between one sibling and another, but creating a home where the children get along and they're able to coexist. It's not only for within the home. It's not only for the shalom bayis, but it's ultimately to give those children the skills as they leave the home. There is a certain amount of intervention that's going to be necessary, absolutely. So I want to take the next couple of minutes because we're starting to run out of time, believe it or not. I want to take the next couple of minutes to just highlight.

31:08 Some of the important responsibilities that a parent has to a child, and the first one that we're going to speak about is adjusting to reality. And Shlomo, this goes a little bit to what you were speaking about before. The reality is a very harsh place to live. Reality is not a simple thing at all, and as such, parents have a responsibility to prepare their children to cope with reality. What parents often do, and it's very misguided, is they actually try to do exactly the opposite. They may attempt to prevent their child from feeling any sense of discomfort, but the problem with that is that the children are not then prepared for real life because real life can be very uncomfortable. And this is what happened in the trophy generation. I don't know if you guys know what the trophy generation was.

32:05 But when I was running camp many years ago, when I still lived in America, there was this whole psychological movement that children can't lose. Everybody needs to get a trophy, and so the camp had bought trophies. I didn't make this decision, but the camp had bought trophies for every kid in camp, and every kid got a trophy, and the trophies were managed for Nairiskay. It was like one time you got on second base, you get a trophy. You one time you served people in the dining room. You get a trophy, and literally every kid walked out of camp with a trophy. And I was standing by the buses on the last day of camp as the kids were leaving, and I was watching kids dump their trophies into the garbage. They were literally like they didn't even bother bringing them home and then throwing them into the garbage. It wasn't worth taking on the bus, because the children understood. It was like the Dundies. The children understood.

32:59 That's just to wake Abe Teicher up. I got David Perlman also. Good. Chas v'shalom. I'm just saying. If you know what I'm saying, I'm not saying. So try to be the most relevant Rebbe in yeshiva. You could tell that to Reb Hershel. The idea here is as follows: sparing a child discomfort is not real. The real world is very uncomfortable, and we need to know when to expose a child to difficult situations, when to allow them to cope on their own, and when to protect them. What's critical is we need to understand the timing. When is it appropriate timing? If it's too soon, and the child will inevitably fail, then they will lose faith in themselves. So if we let say life is tough, you're gonna have to deal with it.

33:53 And the child is like five years old, and they've been put in a situation where there's no way they've not developed the social skills necessary to cope with the challenging situation they're in. So then, what happens is now the child will lose faith in themselves. That's going to impact self-esteem, which we're going to discuss a lot about, not right now. And you can really hurt the child that way. So timing is critical. On the other hand, if you coddle the child and you overprotect, the child never develops appropriate coping skills, and then you have a generation of children that show up to work, and they're twenty-two years old. They've just finished college, and they don't understand why they're not a CEO, and they don't understand why six months into the job they haven't gotten a raise already. They've never actually had to struggle because every time they were going to get a B, they complained to their teacher, and the teacher gave them an A.

34:47 And every time they needed, they didn't want to study so hard for the test. All of a sudden, they magically had ADHD and they got extra time. I don't know if you guys are familiar with this concept of extra time. Everybody gets extra time. You know what I mean? The idea here is as follows: It's important for us to understand that our job is to prepare the children for the real world because that's where Judaism takes place. It takes place in the real world. The real world is harsh. There are going to be setbacks. It's not always going to be easy, so the question is: Have you taught your child to cope? Did you understand the timing of what was necessary in order to make sure that they're capable of meeting that particular goal? That's one: adjusting to reality. A second goal. Parents have a responsibility. We discussed this briefly before to raise the child to be socially appropriate. Socially appropriate is huge.

35:46 If a child is not capable of being socially appropriate, they cannot be successful in the world. What does that mean? Children are meant to be self-centered. A little child, a little baby, does not care about anything else in the world. They only care about themselves. They cry when they're hungry. They throw temper tantrums when they want something. They don't care about anyone else, and that's the way it's supposed to be because they're little children. Our job, and this is what it means to raise socially appropriate children, is to move them from a self-centered worldview to an other-centric worldview. And we want to teach them: you're not the only one here. How do you play nicely with others? And that skill, even from a very young age, is going to be critical as they're developing friendships in elementary school, as they're developing relationships in high school, when they ultimately meet a spouse, raise their own children, to be successful in a job, to be part of a community.

36:43 We have to learn to consider the needs of others, and that's an important part of parenting. What are the strategies that we could use to teach our children to be not self-centered but other-centric? Number one, as we said, role modeling. Role modeling is critical. If the parents are reprimanding the child for not sharing, but then the child hears the parents talking about how these sadaqa collectors are constantly coming to our door and it's so annoying, so you're teaching the child that sharing is not what we do. You could tell the child you have to share your toys nicely, but if you then turn around and you don't give with a smile on your face when someone knocks on your door, what lesson are the children learning? Not only that, but when there is a disconnect, this is critical.

37:38 When there's a disconnect between the value that the parent is espousing and the value that the child is actually seeing, that breeds mistrust between the child and the parent. The child doesn't know: is the parent actually authentic? Is the parent really doing the right thing? We want to trust our parents, but we want to make sure that the parents are honest and true. Trust is critical for interpersonal relationships. Love requires trust, right? In a marital relationship, trusting a superior in the office, respecting authority, trust is critical. So when there's an erosion of trust between the parent and the child, because the child sees that the parent is not actually living their values, that's going to be terrible for the development of the child. One last one that I want to discuss, and then I'll open the floor back up to questions. Parents have a responsibility.

38:37 Not only, as we said, to adjust to reality, not only to be socially appropriate, but to impart values to the children. So we want our children to be tolerant. We want our children to be patient. We want our children to be cooperative. We want our children to respect other people. So we have to make sure that these values are being communicated. How do we communicate these values? As we said, number one, role modeling is critical. But here's another strategy that I want to use that I want to share with you tonight, and I think it's super important. The stories that we tell our children are amazing opportunities to impart values. So if the stories you're imparting are like these nonsense stories, and I'm not saying there's not room for just reading a regular book to your kid, but when you're at the Shabbos table, you have the opportunity to discuss with them.

39:34 Our siddiqim behaved, and you could tell stories about rabbanim that you had in your lives, and how sensitive they were, and how respectful they were. There are so many stories out there. And even though everybody today likes to rip on the artscroll biographies because it makes the gedolim seem inhuman, there is something amazing, really, really amazing, about sharing with your child that our gedolim, the people that we look up to, were people of tremendous values. And I'll share with you that over the years, I'm seeing you guys at 18 and 19 years old. Over the years, guys will share and they'll say, I once heard a story from my third grade rebbe, and they'll be able to remember the stories. Stories deeply resonate with us. So ask yourself, what do I want my Shabbos table to look like? And one of the things that I hope you'll have by your Shabbos tables.

40:28 Stories of gadolim and the values that they lived are awesome opportunities to share with your children. So just to sum up very quickly what we spoke about, and then I'll open it up to any last minute questions. Just to run it back to the very beginning of the shir. Number one, we can control ourselves. We can't necessarily control our children. Children learn by osmosis. The main thing is to be a role model. Children are independent. And though we are deeply connected to them, we need to learn how to relate to them as independent. At the center of parenting is empathy. Temporarily suspending our opinion in order to see things from their perspective. This creates space for the child to create an identity for themselves. It allows us to respond to the children's needs and not just to our own needs. It allows the child to feel safe in the relationship. This does not mean giving in.

41:26 Our responsibilities as parents, which we spoke about tonight, are adjusting to reality. Reality is harsh. Prepare your child in the appropriate time to learn how to cope with the challenges of reality. Number two, being socially appropriate. Again, role modeling, living your values so that the children actually have trust in their parents. And finally, imparting values. Of course, role modeling, but also storytelling. Any last questions before we finish up, chavra? Then on that note, I want to wish you guys a wonderful Shabbos. Rabbi Say, take care.