Practical Parenting - Introduction

1:58 Takes internships that are going to be resume-building internships. I would want to teach my children particular skills, like I would want to teach them ambitions. I would teach them to value competition, and so on and so forth. In fact, I'll share with you a story, and it's a very poignant story. I was once tutoring a young man. This is back when I lived in America. This young man shared with me that he was going to be spending his summers in a particular camp, and this camp costs—get ready for it—ten thousand plus dollars for a seven-week summer experience, which is obviously a tremendous amount of money. And as I finished tutoring this young man, I had the opportunity to sit down with the father, and the topic of the summer came up, and I asked the father.

2:52 I know this camp. I'm sure it's a great camp, but like, it must be like extraordinary. I know how much it costs. Why would you send your child to that camp? After all, you could probably send your child to a camp for half the price, or certainly at least a couple thousand dollars less. And there's no doubt that your son would have an amazing summer. I myself, I don't know where you guys all went to camp. I myself grew up in a camp called Magenav. Which was by no means a wealthy camp at all. It was. I see some of you are familiar with it, Nasa. I see you're familiar with this camp. Certainly not a high powered camp. We had the baseball. The baseball fields were like these run down fields, and they all had like silly names, like really Jewish names. Like instead of Yankee Stadium, it was Yankee Stadium, and instead. Ah, okay. So I see. Um, this is back in the eighties.

3:47 And they had a Madison Square Garden was Madison Square Garden, and they had a Shea Stadium was Shea Stadium, Candlestick Park, which was the place where the Orioles used to play many years ago, was Candlestick Park. This was not a high-powered camp, and I went to this camp. I had a great time. For the life of me, I could not understand why somebody would spend ten thousand plus dollars sending their child away to a camp like that for the summer. So the father had an incredible insight, and it stuck with me. I think it'll stick with me forever. He said, "You have to understand. I'm not trying to give my son the best summer experience. There's no doubt that if I would spend, let's say, seven thousand dollars on a different camp, my son would also have an exceptional summer experience. But you see, what I want is for my child to be ambitious. I want my child to want to have."

4:43 True financial independence. What I'm going to do is give my child the best of the best. I'm going to raise my child in a house with a pool and his own very beautiful bedroom. They had a workout facility in the house. It was really a gorgeous house, and I'm going to send them to the best summer programs that have the most luxurious summer programs, and they're going to really have this incredible experience. When my son's in high school, that's going to be what he's accustomed to, and he's going to start thinking ahead. If I want to be able to send my kids to this camp and if I want to be able to live in a house like the one I've become accustomed to, then I'm going to have to take high school seriously. Because if I don't take high school seriously, how am I going to get into a good college? And if I don't get into a good college, how am I going to get a great job? How am I going to get an internship?

5:38 In my summer after my sophomore and junior year, that are going to really like wow my future employers. He goes, I don't want to have to discipline my son into performance. I want to, and this was the line, I want to accustom him to this life, and then Mameila, he's going to follow this path. That was the father's sevara, and he even threw in a kicker for me. He said. I'm never going to have to worry about my son asking to go shabbat. That was like his thing. His son was 16 years old. I'm never going to have to worry about my son going shabbat because, of course, he'll know he has to get started on college because he has to get a job because he's going to have to support himself in the lifestyle in which he's become accustomed. At the time when the father said this, I was very thrown.

6:28 Because I had never heard someone discuss giving their child luxuries of life in such a fashion before, I'll be honest, I was very thrown by it. But as I started to get older, and as I became a parent myself, and my kids got older and became teenagers, I realized exactly what the father was talking about. The father had a very clear goal for what he wanted from his children, and he knew exactly what it was going to take to get there. So in a certain way, even though I certainly disagree with the father, I admire him. He had clear goals for his kid. He knew how to develop the skill sets in order to reach those goals, and he was giving over to his child the knowledge of how and when to implement those skill sets in order to reach the goals. You're going to have to, at this time in high school, get the following grades. You're going to get internships to get into colleges. You're going to have to get a good mark on your SATs, your ACTs.

7:25 Believe it or not, the father was very successful. This young man today is in real estate, in commercial real estate in Manhattan, and he will, with God's help, fulfill all of his father's goals for him in financial independence. He will be Ezer Hashem, be very wealthy. So the same thing is true for us. It may be that our goal is not merely financial independence, but whatever our goals are for our children, we want to give them clear goals. We want to develop skill sets in order to reach those goals, and we want to give them the knowledge of how and when to implement those skill sets in order to reach those goals. Again, this we could apply this to anything. I just used the case of financial independence, but let's say the goal of raising our children was to be happy. We want to raise happy children. If we want to raise happy children, it's going to be the same thing. I might educate my child very differently than if I was teaching them to be financially independent.

8:21 I might tell them to follow their hearts and follow their dreams. I might tell them to explore whatever works for them. These are the things that I might do to cultivate an environment where the child will be a happy child. And we might say the same thing again when it comes to raising. If our goal was to raise psychologically healthy children, maybe we would put them in therapy while they're still a fetus. And maybe coming out of the womb is a post-traumatic stress disorder. So we need to make sure that the child has the proper empathy and a safe space in order to experience the trauma that they went through, so that one day they could leave. To say that whatever we're going to do, we need to have clear goals. We need to be able to communicate those goals to our children to help them develop the skill sets they need in order to reach those goals, and we need to teach them how and when to implement those skill sets. So we are going to, in this class, begin by trying to establish.

9:17 What are our goals for our children? What does it mean to raise a Jewish home? Here I want to start off just by sharing something very simple. But even though it's simple, it may not be so obvious to everyone. Even though I think when you hear it, it should be quite obvious. When we wish a chasana nakala a mazel tov, what do we say to them? What's the classic Jewish line? May you be zeicher to build David. May we be zeicher to build a bias nemun biyisrael. Bias nemun biyisrael. What does it mean to build a bias nemun biyisrael? So the first thing is that means we're trying to raise a Jewish home. In other words, yes, we want our children to be financially independent.

10:08 We want our children to be happy. We want our children to be psychologically healthy. The list goes on and on. But in order to understand the prat, you need to understand the klal. In order to understand the specific, different delineations of all of the things we want from our children, we first have to get the broad klal, the broad general category under which all of those things fall. For those of you that are in Rav Glanz this year. This should be obvious knowledge. If you're trying to analyze something, you need to understand what something is and what it belongs to. So we want to give a definition, and then we want to give a general rule of what does this belong to. Abe, you learned that from Rovglands this year. Good. So at least I'm not talking to nobody here. So we again have to understand all of those things are important.

11:01 But they all fall under the general category of trying to build a bias neman bi-Yisrael, meaning we're not just trying to raise children, but we're trying to raise Jewish children. We're trying to build people that will then, in turn, build a Jewish home. This is the Jewish mission of parenting, and this is an open gemara in kedushin. The gemara in kedushin. Lamed Amid Beyz says that there are three partners in the creation of every child: there is the mother, the father, and Hashem. And the implication of the Gemara, and this again, this going to be our first lamdusha move when it comes to parenting. The implication of the Gemara is as follows: as Jews, we do not quote unquote have children. Rather, we are entrusted—that's the key word—with a sacred trust to raise children. And here's the difference: having children means that they belong to us. The children belong to us. Being entrusted to raise children—that sacred trust that we are tasked with—being entrusted to raise children means that we are raising the Rebbeinu Shlalem's children.

12:22 That the Rebbeinu Sholom sent that particular neshama to this particular family at this particular time, because now is the time to raise this child to be a Torah observant Jew. And that means as follows: we now have a clear goal. I do not own the child. The child is not meant to serve me. If I am the owner of the child, if I say I have children, and let's say I actually meant the word 'have,' which I imagine nobody actually means. But if I actually meant I have children and I am the owner of those children, well, let's think about the practical nafgaminas. So if the child is disobedient and I

13:12 Own the child, meaning I have the child. Then my response to that disobedience is going to be, 'Hey, you're getting in the way of what I want,' and therefore the discipline will not be child-centric. The discipline will be parent-centric. How do I get the child to stop annoying me and follow the rules? So I'm giving you guys here the general klal, and I'm giving you the nafkamina. So this is literally a Gemara on parenting. So you should have all the klalim very clear. The klal is we're trying to raise Hakadosh Baruch Hu's children. That's the sacred task that we've been entrusted with. We do not have children. We do not own children. They do not belong to us. If we would see the child as belonging to us.

14:05 Then the discipline would be parent centric, because what we would be trying to do is stop the disobedience, ameliorate the parent's frustration. However, if we are entrusted with the child and the child is now being raised towards a particular godly goal, then when the child is disobedient, the child is the sole issue at hand. Any discipline will be completely child-centric. If let's say the goal—one branch of raising Jewish children would be to inspire them to daven with passion and with kavanah. And now we see that the child is not davening with passion and with kavanah. Maybe that's embarrassing for us that our child won't stop talking in shul.

15:01 Or maybe it's embarrassing that our child is running around the halls of the shul like a crazy person. If the parent is worried about themselves and their own ego, which we're going to discuss later, then it's going to be about ameliorating the parent's issues. If, however, we're raising the child to belong to God and we're raising the child to live in a godly fashion, then we're going to ask ourselves only one question: What's the best possible way to raise this child to become passionate and intentional about his davening? So far, is that clear to everybody? Any questions? I'm going to pause now. Ten seconds for station identification. Any questions?

16:02 That is absolutely correct. David. They are that. That is one hundred percent correct. The children are being raised by you, because Hakadosh Baruch Hu entrusted them to you, not chas v'shalom for any other reason. Not chas v'shalom because you're the focus, but because you don't have children, you're entrusted with children. Does that make sense, David? Did I get that right? I thought we just have for tax write-off benefits. Aaron, I know you're into the stock market, and I feel very badly for you in these times. But believe me, the child tax credit is not all that it's cracked up to be. Rabbi Say. Any other questions? Can you give an example of a different example of what child-centric discipline would look like?

17:01 Sure. So actually, Akiva, it's an excellent point because it's going to take us right to the next section of what I want to talk about with you guys. But yes. Before I go on. If you go with the idea that children are attracted to you, then why are non-religious people blessed with children? Why would they have children? I was saying why would they be children of this Me see Hashem trusting us to lead someone in His way. Why would non-Hebrew people be raising children? I feel like on a generous part, I think it's an important question. I'll separate two things. I think they're very important. I want to separate between a philosophy class and a parenting class. So what you're asking is an important philosophical question.

17:52 But maybe not relevant to a parenting class, so I'm absolutely happy to discuss it with you privately. The second part, which I think is probably a hemshich, a continuation of the first part, is you're asking a fundamental question about why anybody in the world exists that's not necessarily doing God's will, and so that's an even deeper question than just why would God entrust them with children. I'm speaking here with the premise that Judaism is real. And that God has instructed us based on the words of Chazal with this sacred trust. Is that a fair evasive answer, Daniel? Yeah. That it's when you admonish children for child-centric like critique, but wouldn't that be because you're doing it for God, not for the child? So we're going to discuss that. We're going to discuss that because obviously our entire lives are going to be dedicated to God. But the reason I'm saying it's child-centric is because of something that's coming up in a.

18:51 Maybe in a couple of minutes, maybe next year, but it's a concept that's coming up. So I'm using the language very specifically because there's going to be something that may be a little bit dangerous about raising a child to serve God. You could lose the child in the process. So that's why I'm being careful with the language that I use here. Rabbi, is the idea of child-centric discipline related to what the Chofetz Chaim even talks about at the beginning about chinuch? Absolutely in every sense. I'm not going to get into particular texts here, but yes, 100%. And by the way, for those of you that are on this call and K'nai Niharah Baruch Hashem, we have over 40 people on this call. I just want to make a strong push. First of all, just to remind everyone to mute their screens. But I want to make a strong push to learn Chovas Atamidim. Because it is indeed an excellent, excellent, an excellent tool to really learn about chinuch. Because I want to answer Akiva's question. Now that we understand that we're tasked with raising children that will enable them to take part in the Jewish mission of making our world a more godly place, what are some of the things that this includes?

20:16 So one, we want to teach our children a godly world view. That should be fairly obvious. And as we want to teach them how a Jew sees the world. And this again is no different than anything else in the world. If I was trying to teach my children to be financially independent. I would want them to read Steve Jobs, the book that was written by Walter Isaacson. Steve Jobs. I don't know if any of you have had the opportunity to read it. It gives a particular mentality of how to see business, how to see success, how to envision the world, and they can then use that knowledge, that worldview, to be successful.

21:04 And no different when it comes to Judaism. If the goal is to build the world into a godly place, then we need to teach them a worldview that includes building the world into a godly place. That's the first thing we're going to need to teach them. The second thing we need to teach them is to give the children the skills to embark on this journey on their own. Just as if we wanted our child to get to a particular destination, we have to ensure that they know how to get there. Remember earlier we spoke about having a map. That would be the worldview. We also have to teach them the skills to embark on that journey. We need to teach them how to go and buy a ravkav. So if I know, okay, I want to get from Mevaseret to Tachanah Merkazit, so I need to have a ravkav. I need to have the map, the worldview of how I'm going to get there. And the same thing is true when it comes to Judaism.

22:00 And here's Akiva. I'm gonna elaborate a little bit more on the question that you raised because I think it's a very important question. If I want to give my child the map, the world view, and I at the same time want to give my child the skills, I'm not going to discipline them in a way that's going to make them merely obedient. Because, and Daniel, I'll get to in one second. Because obedience is not the goal, because if they're merely obedient, then what happens after I'm not there anymore? What's going to ensure that these kids are going to continue the Jewish mission? The answer is either nothing, or maybe even worse, debilitating fear. And debilitating fear is not a healthy way to raise children. So the discipline.

22:58 If a child is not engaging in learning those skills that are necessary to continue the Jewish mission, the discipline would be child-centric in the sense that I would rather than punish the child for not doing what's appropriate, it would involve communication, it would involve love, connection. All of the things that are designed to build and foster a true relationship, and then from that relationship, hopefully, will flow a desire to continue the mission on their own. Akiva, does that answer your question? Is that a good example, or do you need something more specific? I think I kind of want something more specific. That's fair. So let's say, for example, the goal is that a child will continue to go to Minyan when they're older, when they're married, and have children of their own. Let's say that was a particular goal that we had.

23:55 So if the child is being disobedient, meaning they're no longer interested in davening, or they're not coming to davening, or they're coming to davening but they're talking the entire time, a parent who's only focused on their own desires will probably discipline the child harshly, and maybe in a way that's not appropriate for the child. Maybe they'll embarrass the child. Maybe they'll speak in a way that the child will not be able to listen. But a parent who's focusing on the needs of the child, the child. I want to enable this child to own the Jewish mission. I'm probably going to sit down and have a conversation and really listen. What's going on that this child doesn't want to daven? What's lacking that this child is not receiving, and then I can learn about the child and help supplement, because there could be a lot of different things that are going on.

24:53 So that would be a specific example. I'm going to get to Daniel first, then Shlomo. I'm going to get to you. So Daniel, you go first. I was stretching. So then Shlomo, you can go first. So what happens if you try to instruct the child about certain things like davening, and they just disagree with you? You're not always going to see eye to eye on everything with your child. What if they just don't? They're not a fan of davening. They just, for whatever reason. So Shlomo is actually raising a really important issue and one that's going to be one of the main thrusts of our first couple of sessions, and that is, what are the tools that we have in our arsenal in order to help enable the child to fulfill the godly mission for which he was created? So if you'll notice, Shlomo used the word instruction. That was the word Shlomo that you used. You're instructing your child to do something.

25:46 And they disagree with you, right? So I would caution you on thinking about parenting as instruction, right? Because as we're going to see, and there's going to be a lot of this coming up in future classes, we have tools that are far more sophisticated, far more powerful, and far more efficient than instruction. In fact, I'll tell you, instruction is probably the last thing you want to do when it comes to your child. There's a difference between instruction and communication, as we'll later see. Shlomo, does that make sense? But aren't you communicating a way to do things and why you should do things? You should dive in like this because it will do this. Isn't that a form of instruction? But again, that's very simplistic. In other words.

26:35 If you're only saying, "Well, this is why you should do something," you may not be speaking to the child's issues at all. If the child has philosophical issues, and then you have a philosophical conversation, then I would agree with you. But it could very well be that you're instructing the child on philosophical issues, but the issue is not philosophical; it's psychological. The issue may not be psychological. The issue may be peer-oriented. There's a tremendous amount of things that it could be. There are kids that don't dive in school because it's just not cool to dive in, and so it could be that it's a peer pressure issue. So you're having a philosophical conversation with the child, but you might be completely missing the target. Makes sense. If it's a laziness issue, doesn't that.

27:30 A lot of times, the issue will have to be solved by the kid himself. You literally taking the kid and waking him up to go to shacharit, pulling him out of the bed, isn't going to do anything. Again, David, you're bringing up a phenomenal point because let's say the issue is laziness. So this goes to Shlomo's point. So if I don't actually know that the issue is laziness, and now I'm sitting my child down and having a philosophical conversation with them, then I'm not actually doing the child a service. If the child is lazy, staying on top of the child and throwing them out of bed every morning and dumping ice water on them may be very counterproductive. We would need to establish what's the issue that's impeding us from getting to the goal, and then what are the strategies that we want to use? What are the skill sets that we have as parents in order to help the child in this area? So laziness is a fantastic.

28:28 Is a fantastic example, and again, we could in theory discuss not this moment, but we could in theory discuss what are the skill sets that we would want to use to help a child with their laziness regarding something you said before. Yosef, what's your question? You said that ego has to do like a child's ego has a lot to do with parents. How does that relate? When you say the child, you mean the child's ego or the parent's ego? I think you said child's ego. If I'm not mistaken, it could be that I misspoke. It could definitely be that I misspoke. Maybe I misheard. I think that what we were talking about was the parent, and we're going to discuss a lot about this. The parent has to make sure that their own ego is not driving their parenting. Sounds good. Thank you. Any other questions before I move on?

29:25 I just have a practical one. As how would you like we said in the philosophical way, or like the pure pressure way? How would a parent solve that? So excellent question, and as I said, this is just right now an introductory shear. We're gonna discuss all of those things. We're gonna discuss in a very general way because what I want to do is I want to give you guys practical parenting advice because you know right now you're young, you don't have children, but it's never too early to prepare for having children. So instead of giving you specific examples, because then we could get bogged down in the examples, what I want to give you is the strategies and the skills, so that you'll then be able to apply it to any situation that arises. So what I would encourage you to do is as follows: as I give you the particular parenting strategies, ask me what about the following case? How would we then employ this strategy or this skill in that case?

30:26 Instead of attacking the case as when it actually happens, aren't there precautions you can take? There's almost so much we can do, and there are things we can do to implement for our kids to try to avoid these situations. So obviously there's so much we can do, but are we going to be able to talk about that? Yosef is bringing up a very important point, and it's actually one that I was considering as I was preparing this year. Up until now, if you've noticed, I'm speaking a lot about reacting rather than being proactive. If your child is not being obedient, if your child is not doing what they're meant to be doing, then you know what we're supposed to do. But really.

31:19 There's something even more fundamental, which is what can I do proactively to make sure that the children are doing what we want to do. And so I'm attacking it from the negative, but you're a hundred percent correct. I'm doing it for a particular reason, as you'll see in a minute. But you're a hundred percent correct that if the only thing we're doing is the reactive part of parenting, then something is one hundred percent wrong. So you're correct about that. We're going to discuss proactive strategies as well. Let's go. So I just wanted to ask. A lot of what we're talking about, I get the feeling, is more towards the middle and towards the end of the real childhood part, where you know you're more raising them as a parent.

32:11 I just have a question, what happens during the much younger ages where you can't exactly have a philosophical discussion with them. If they're a three-year-old, it's just not happening. The good news, Akiva, is that if they're three years old, they probably don't have philosophical issues. I would say yes, that's probably a good thing. I believe there are certain people on this Zoom share right now that maybe at three years old did have philosophical issues. I can almost envision them toddling around saying, "How do I know that God is real?" But can you give me an ontological and teleological proof for God? Aside from those few people, I think again you're raising a very important point, which is parenting strategies ought to be different at different stages of life. There's no question about that. But if your child is refusing to do something at a young age, it's going to be very different than if they're refusing to do something at.

33:09 Sixteen years old, so you're a hundred percent correct about that. Because I just, we're talking about raising a Jewish home and the goal of raising a Jewish family, but that also starts as soon as the kid is born. So like, at a much younger age, what do you do in terms of behaving and whatnot? Because two very different things. For sure, and we're definitely gonna discuss that. I only want to correct one thing that you said, Akiva. There's a story with the Chavetz Chaim that a couple was blessed with a child, and at a very young age, like the child was just a couple of months old. They came to the Chavetz Chaim and they said, 'Here's our three-month-old child. We want to know at what age should we start parenting.' So the Chavetz Chaim said, 'You're 12 months too late.'

34:02 You already start parenting the child before the child is even born. At the moment of conception, you have to begin parenting, and we're going to discuss a lot about what that means. A good point. Shlomo. What about children with special needs or extenuating circumstances? How can you parent someone who lacks certain capacities to do certain things? To try to make sure you aren't trying to shove a circle into a square? Chas v'shalom. Again, you guys are baruch Hashem. You're running with it. That's great.

34:56 I would ask you only to hold off a little bit on questions like these, because when we get into the actual parenting strategies, these questions will become a little—they'll resonate a little bit deeper. But I will say this: Shlomo, a special needs child, has also a special role in Hashem's plan. And the Chazon Ish used to stand up when special needs children were brought into his room because he felt that they had very holy neshamas. So I don't think we should ever be trying to fit a square peg into a circle. I think they have their own unique shape, as every child does, and we're going to need to implement parenting strategies that will be appropriate for that child. And certainly, special needs children have their own unique shape that needs to be considered. So let's take this opportunity to move either a little bit. Can you repeat what you just said? I think you got broken up a little.

35:54 Jonatan, thank you so much for letting me know. I apologize. I don't know what's wrong with the speaker. What I said was that a special needs child needs to be treated in their own unique way, as every child does, because they have their own unique mission, as every child does, and we should never be trying to put a square peg into a round hole. Clear? Thank you, Jonatan. I appreciate you letting me know that it wasn't working. So we only have ten minutes left. Let's try to keep moving here. The goal is not to train the child, but to raise the child. Because if we're trying to give the child the capacity to worship Hashem in their own unique way, beyond the moment that we're parenting them, we don't want to raise six-year-olds to be seven. We want to raise six-year-olds so that one day, deep into the future, their chinuch remains with them, and that's what Nachi was calling out before. The Chovei Satamidim speaks about the word chinuch, which means to prepare. So we're trying to prepare our children for the future. What's the difference between raising children and training children now?

37:21 Just so I only want to highlight this because I said I'm trying to give you guys very precise terminology here because when you have the terminology, that's going to enable you to really have these principles down clearly, so that in the future you'll be able to call upon these skills. So far we've made a couple of splits just to remind everyone where we're holding. We said parenting is a sacred trust. Which means that we're raising the child in a goal-oriented fashion. We're trying to raise the next generation of Jews that will fulfill the godly mission. Therefore, we don't have children. We are entrusted with children. In order to what does it mean to be entrusted with children? It means to raise them, and that means to give them the proper worldview and to give them the skills necessary to embark on this worldview.

38:18 Raising is not the same thing as training. Training a child means that the child is able to have a stimulus and a response. Let's say X scenario happens. We want the child to be trained to respond with Y reaction. That would be training a child. We do not train children. We train dogs. We do not train children. And the reason we don't train children is because the connotation of training is robotic. I want them to behave in a particular way. But when it comes to raising Jewish children, we're not satisfied with training them. We don't want to reinforce this stimulus. This the response.

39:12 Rather, we want the child to authentically take on the Jewish mission for themselves and to develop the skills to fulfill that goal. Training a child is not a meaningful way of seeing parenting. Rather, we want to raise the child, which is going to require a far more difficult degree of parenting in order to achieve our goals. Because what we're trying to impart is not just a behavior. We're trying to get to the core essence of who they are, so that they can see the world in a particular way, and then develop the skills. We don't want the child to just go to davening. That's not enough for us. We want the child to actually daven. Does this make sense? Yes. Pinsker, how we doing?

40:11 Yehuda, you getting it? I'm going to assume that Yehuda's getting it. Rebbe, how much of the responsibility of raising the child actually falls on the parents and not on other people, such as a rebbe or grandparents or teachers, other people who play a role in a child's raising. So Nachi is raising a very important point. And I just want to speak about a certain tension that exists in Nachi's question, because it's really a very important question. On the one hand, we're saying that the child has been entrusted to the parents, and on the other hand, there's the old adage of it takes a village to raise a child.

41:07 And so we have at our disposal: we have yeshivas and seminaries, rebbeim and mechanchot, shuls, shul rabbis, youth directors, camps, camp directors, counselors. It takes so much to raise a Jewish child. So I think the way it happens is like this, Nachi. I think this would be the formulation: it's the sacred trust exclusively of the parents. The trust belongs to the parents. The parents would be foolish to try to do this on their own, because children are so unique, and because different family dynamics can make things somewhat difficult sometimes for a parent, it's important for the parent to call upon the resources of the community to help raise the child. Here's why I'm answering your question the way I am, Nachi. I've really been thinking about this a lot recently, and it's something that I think is important for us to speak out. So thank you for raising this issue.

42:06 When parents abdicate their responsibilities to the schools and to the shuls, they lose something very precious to us as parents. It's not the job of the rebbe to parent. It's the job of the parent to parent. The rebbe's job is to teach. The rebbe may be a source of inspiration, but ultimately values should be built in the home. And the child's values will likely reflect, as we're going to discuss soon, the parents' values. If the parents are saying, "Look, I'm not the only one that's entrusted with this child," so then, I get concerned that they're abdicating their responsibility. At the same time, the parents should call upon the community because, as a community, we are meant to serve Hakadosh Baruch Hu, and part of serving Hakadosh Baruch Hu is raising the children of our community.

43:01 So the community is not necessarily specific to one child. But the job of the community is to ensure that every child has a Jewish education, that every child has a place to daven, that every child has a seat in shul, and so on and so forth. Does that make sense? Gavaldik. So now I just want to highlight, and I hope we'll have time for this. I want to highlight the danger because I already expect that some of you have thought of this. Specifically, one or two of you have probably already thought about the danger of goal-oriented parenting, which is what I'm suggesting is a Jewish way of parenting. The danger of goal-oriented parenting is that what we're trying to do is cultivate a connection with our children.

43:54 So there is a natural biological connection that exists between a parent and child, but we have to focus and build, enhance, embellish that connection so that the connection will grow exponentially. However, because of the deep connection that exists between parent and child, the danger is ego-driven parenting. In other words, if the whole yeshod of parenting, the foundation, is the natural connection that exists between a parent and a child, then it's very possible that because so much of our ego is invested in the child, we're going to slip into ego-driven parenting. If the child is focused on fulfilling the needs of the parent, here's the danger: then the child does not find their own identity.

44:52 Naturally, the parent-child relationship is so close. But remember, what's our goal? Our goal is that the child should grow up and be able to leave the home. If the goal is that the child should one day leave the home, the most important thing they're going to need is a sense of self, a sense of identity. But if the child is really only serving the parent, I want to daven well so that my parents will be happy. So then they haven't discovered their own identity. They've never figured that out because there was too much ego of the parent involved in the development of the child. So they're not developing their own identity; they're merely developing an identity that fits the needs of the parents. And this is particularly challenging when we have a stated goal of raising the next generation of Jewish children.

45:48 Because maybe what will happen is as follows: the parents will, because they're so this mission is so valuable to them, the parents will impart to the child, "Do this to make me happy," and now the child never really owns their own Judaism. Rather, what they're doing is they're just being Jewish because they can't disappoint their parents. So now, what happens when their parents aren't around? Maybe they'll continue practicing Judaism. But even if they do, they haven't really owned it. That's one. That's the first danger of goal-oriented parenting. Goal-oriented parenting can very easily slip into ego-driven parenting. That's number one. Number two, if the parenting is ego-driven, we may not be able to see the child for who they are, because if our own ego is enmeshed with the child.

46:46 What may happen is that you may not be able to recognize the challenges of the child, because my child could never have such a problem. And even if you do recognize that your child has a problem, you may not be able to reveal to the people that are there to help the extent of the difficulties. And even if you could, you may not have the courage to actually reveal to them this is what's happening, and I actually need help. If it's ego-driven, the child will not develop their own identity, and the child may not be able to get what they need. However, if it's child-centric parenting, and this is why Perlman, I went, I used that specific terminology earlier. If it is child-centered parenting, then it's going to look, God willing, I hope, very, very different. If it's child-centric parenting.

47:44 Then we understand our own ego. We understand how our parenting is being impacted by our ego because we're not going to deny that we're ego-driven people. But self-awareness allows us to overcome our selfish desires, and we can develop self-awareness by checking in on our own emotions. For example, if the child misbehaves, ask yourself, "What are your emotions?" Was I angry? Was I frustrated? Were my emotional responses proportionate to the thing that the child actually did? Were my emotional responses appropriate? That I behave in a way that was appropriate. And if not, that's an opportunity to check in and really see. This is the ego that's at play. Another thing we can do is check in.

48:37 On our own behaviors. Am I buying my children expensive designer clothing? And if so, why am I buying them expensive designer clothing? Am I doing that because that's what the child needs, or am I doing that because that's what I need? It's an opportunity to really see your own ego and how your ego plays into raising your child. The balance is to invest ourselves in our children without becoming entangled within the child. There is no doubt that a child is an extension of the parents, but they are not primarily an extension. The key word here is a child is an independent entity. We want to be invested without being entangled. They are themselves, and we are our own independent identity. The goal is goal-oriented parenting, raising the next generation of Jewish children. We are entrusted with a sacred trust. We want not simply to train the child, but to raise the child. We want them to be authentic. We want them to have authentically acquired a worldview. We want them to authentically have the skills to be able.

50:02 When they grow older to continue the Jewish mission, the challenge of goal-oriented parenting is because of the deep connection that exists between a parent and a child. The ego could get in the way of raising the child. As a result, the child may not develop their own identity. They may only be seeing themselves as an extension of the parents. As a result, we may not be able to recognize the unique needs of the child. We may not be able to get them what exactly it is that they need. And ultimately, our goal is investment without enmeshment. I know that I said there was going to be more questions, but since we have to go to shir now, we will hold off on questions for the next session. In our second shir, I'd like to start addressing some very practical.

51:00 Issues that are going to come up and some very practical strategies that we can use. I'll share with you that I'm honestly not a very big fan of parenting classes, and I'll tell you why I'm not a very big fan of parenting classes. Because generally, parents believe that they're lacking information, and it's like I'm not sure that I know how to parent. And so I'm lacking the information. Give me the information so that I can be a good parent. And then what these parenting classes, not always, but sometimes do, is they basically give you what we'll call how to parenting. So it's like a good parent knows how to do this, and a bad parent does not know how to do this. But parenting is actually much more sophisticated than just a particular set of rules.

51:59 And parenting certainly does not begin with parenting strategies. So the Gemara in Baba Metzia has a very insightful statement, and the statement is, "Correct yourself, and that will correct others." I think everybody knows the story of the man who set out to change the world. He realized he couldn't change the world, so he said, "I'll change my continent." He couldn't change his continent. He said, "I'll change my country." He couldn't change his country. He said, "I'll change my state." He couldn't do that. My city. He couldn't do that. My neighborhood. He couldn't do that. My family. He was incapable of doing that. Finally, he settled for changing himself, and in changing himself, he was able to have an impact on his family, on his community, and in the world at large. The Gemara is saying, "Beferish, we're not in control of much, but the only thing we are in control of when it comes to impacting other people."

52:56 The changes we make within ourselves. If we want to change someone else, we begin with correcting ourselves. And while this is certainly true in every aspect of life, it's particularly true when it comes to parenting. A parent should begin any process of parenting by looking at themselves first. And by checking in with themselves, am I the role model that I need to be here? And here's why, because first of all, focusing on the child very often, the child, I think, always the child is not necessarily in your control. So trying to change a child may be an exercise in futility, but trying to change yourself—that's something you are in control of. To actually make significant and meaningful changes within yourself.

53:50 That's something you can do, and the reason this is so critical when it comes to parenting is because children learn by osmosis. Even young children, because a lot of you guys were bringing that up yesterday. These are some things that we raised. We're speaking about teenagers and things like that. The parent, even from a very young age, a child learns by osmosis. A child emulates the actions of their parents, and they reflect the values of their parents. It's critical that if we want to impart a value for the Jewish mission, and if we want to enable our children to have the skills to fulfill that Jewish mission, first and foremost, they have to see that in us. How many talmidim?

54:42 Have sat in our yeshiva, and I've had the privilege of speaking with over the years, where they shared like I don't know, Rabbi. In my family, we talk about how much our Judaism means to us, but then in reality, we kind of do whatever we want, picking and choosing. And the kids know. And when the parents turn around and they say, how come you're not more passionate about davening? It's like I learned it from watching you. If the parent wants to know why the kid is not getting up for minyan and davening nicely in school, well, what is the father's behavior? What is the mother's behavior when they're in shul? And so, the first thing that we have to speak about when it comes to parenting is set the example that you want your children to actually become.

55:36 So if you are going to raise a Jewish family, make that the center of your life, and allow your children to see it. Allow your children to see you learning on Shabbos afternoon. Allow them to see you waking up early in the morning and going to a daf yomi. Allow them to see you giving tzedakah. Allow them to see you. Again, we'll discuss a lot more about this later. But even doing tshuva when you make mistakes, it's important that the children actually see. That this kihem chayenu v'orach yamenu, because as much as you could talk a big game, ultimately children know their parents very well, and they're capable of seeing through this. This is true not only on the individual level, meaning each individual parent has to be a role model for their children, but it's also true on the level of the unit, the parents have to be a unit.

56:31 That is worth emulating because the child is learning how to exist within relationships. So if the parents treat each other with respect, if the parents accommodate each other, if they stretch for each other, then the children are going to learn this is how one is meant to behave in a relationship. If the parents are constantly fighting and the children are constantly seeing strife and anger in the home, aside from the lack of safety that the child will have, it's also going to be quite obvious that the child will probably adopt those behaviors and behave in a similar fashion, because as we said, children learn by osmosis. They emulate the parents. They pick up very quickly on what the values of the parents are, and then they live those values. So if a person wants to raise a healthy child who's going to be goal oriented, building the Jewish homes of the future, continuity.

57:30 Where does it rank in your life? If this is something that's going to be first and foremost for your child, it has to be first and foremost for you, as an individual parent and as a parental unit. We'll stop here very quickly. Any quick questions? This was not so sophisticated, but it's worth bearing. It's worth saying first because I think it's exceptionally important. Any questions? If a child's chassid shom goes off the derech, is that 100% an indicator of the parents and the example you said at home? So definitely not. And the Gemara in Sukkah discusses this beferish that a child can go off the derech and it's not necessarily the fault of the parents. Only the way a child speaks is a reflection of the parents. The Gemara says so we don't necessarily blame the parents for the sins of the children at all.

58:26 Here we're speaking about what we are in control of, and because bederach klal, a child learns by example. It's super important that we provide that example. And if a child does go off the derach, I think it's important that if the child saw over the course of their lives that the parents are people who make mistakes and do tshuva, that will also be a very helpful thing in the child's hopefully in their own tshuva process. You mentioned before that Gemara and I misheard what you said. After that, I'm not sure which one. That the fault of the parents, what the child says. But at a certain point, though, I'm not sure about that, and maybe more so now. A lot of these values of children can be picked up by their friends or other people in their lives. So I feel like it's a little bit too harsh, maybe, to blame on the parents. Am I interpreting this wrong?

59:24 I don't think you're interpreting it wrong. I think it's true that friends are critical in the development of a child, and we're going to discuss that. I hope, if we have time, not today, but over the course of this curriculum. However, in my experience, the number one factor in the influencing of a child is the home. And there's no doubt that bad friends or good friends can have a tremendous impact. But at the end of the day, as you get older, you'll see in the development of your own children, God willing, you'll see that there's something incredible about how deeply connected the child is naturally to their parents, and how the behavior of the parents impacts the child more than any other influence. And so we can't necessarily control who our children's friends are.

1:00:20 But if we've given them appropriate role modeling and we've emulated for them what we want them to carry on, hopefully they'll be able to withstand some of the tests of maybe those friends that are not necessarily headed in the best direction. Does that make sense? Yes. Say there any other questions before we move on? Great. Having said that, role modeling is obviously the most important thing. We need to take the opportunity to actually understand what children are. And we're going to try to give really good definitions here. As we said, we're going to try to give the generals and the specifics. So now, if we're talking about parenting children, so we have to get a real understanding of what a child is. The tension is the child is an independent entity.

1:01:16 And at the same time, the child is deeply connected to his parents. So when we're thinking about parenting children, we have to think about the tension that exists in the relationship. The child is an independent entity, separate from the parents, their own human being with their own lives and their own skills and their own milas and chesronos, and yet the child is deeply connected to the parents. And our job as parents is to relate to the children as other than ourselves, because in truth they are independent. And so, even though there's a phenomenal relationship that exists between parent and child, the job of the parent is to see the child as their own independent entity.

1:02:10 And we're going to see as we move on why this is so critical. At the center of parenting, there's going to be one tactic, one strategy that we're going to discuss over and over again. And here's the key word: the number one parenting strategy that we're going to use, because our children are independent entities from ourselves, is empathy. Empathy means to temporarily suspend our opinion to hear the opinion of another. Empathy doesn't necessarily mean that you agree, but empathy does mean that you are creating the space for a child or for anyone to experience their own independent reality.

1:03:06 For example, let's say somebody is again. We'll shift it out of parenting. Let's say you have a fight with your roommate and your roommate comes in. Let's say even better. Let's say your roommate had a fight with somebody else in yeshiva and now your roommate comes in and he's telling you all about the fight that he just had. You may disagree with your roommate. In fact, you might find that you agree with the other person because you've also experienced your roommate this way before. But you can still empathize. You can step back and really try to see this argument that your roommate had from his perspective. That is a gift that we can give to other people.

1:03:59 Empathy is an amazing gift that we can give to other people because it really allows them to experience what happened in a very safe environment, and it's going to be the number one strategy when it comes to parenting. And here's why. We're going to start off discussing as follows: If a child, because there is a deep connection between the parent and the child, if the child is having a fit of crying, and they're throwing a temper tantrum. So remember, the child is an independent entity. That's what's critical here. So if the child is having a temper tantrum, and I'm not in a state of empathy, then how am I going to interpret the child's temper tantrum? I'm going to interpret it as the baby is being disobedient.

1:04:57 The baby is ungrateful. The baby is trying specifically to drive me crazy. And because of all of these things, my parenting strategies are going to be one where I'm speaking not to the needs of the child. Remember, we said yesterday we're trying to get the child-centric parenting, but I'm going to be parenting to my own needs. And so this would hold true if the child was very young, but it would also be for a teenager. Let's say you have a teenager that's acting out, and that's quite common. So let's say you have a teenager that's acting out. When the teenager acts out, it's important to recognize that teenager is an independent entity, separate from you, the parent. If it's not separated, if you're not being empathic.

1:05:53 So then you're going to say, 'Oh, this kid has no akarasatov. This kid doesn't recognize all that we've done for him.' And how could he just blow off curfew? And you're going to take it very personally. And therefore, when you're sitting down and disciplining or even communicating with the child who blew off curfew, you're going to be parenting your own frustrations, and you're not parenting the child at all. Empathy in such a case would be okay. Let me first understand. What the child was thinking. Let me see things from the perspective of the child. This doesn't mean you agree, but it does. It does mean that you're creating space for the child to share with you, which is an amazing gift to share with you what their experience is. Let's go back to our blowing off curfew, for example. Let's say you have a 16-year-old child, and curfew is they have to be in the house at 10:30 at night.

1:06:51 And now it's 11:15 at night. And you might be frustrated because you have work the next day, you have minyan the next day, you have dafyomi that you're doing at 5:30 in the morning, you have a big meeting the next day, and you really needed to get to sleep. So the child now walks in the door. It's 11:15 at night, and you are nervous. Where is the child? You have a lot of emotions going on. Imagine that you're able to take a deep breath, step back, and address the issue with your child. Hey, what's going on? You're 45 minutes late for curfew. Now invite. You may not be able to do it ala ma'om. You may not be able to do it at that moment. But when there's when you have the opportunity, you might want to hear from the child. What was your perspective on that 45 minutes? The child may say something like, "Abba, Tati, Daddy, whatever they're going to call you."

1:07:47 It's not really fair that my curfew is at ten thirty at night when all of my friends have an eleven fifteen curfew, and it's really hard for me when we're sitting around and we're all hanging out together and it's ten thirty at night and I have to be the one to go, and that's really embarrassing for me, and it's really frustrating for me, and it feels like I'm a baby and it feels like you don't trust me. The child may share with you a tremendous amount of feelings and perspective that they have on the issue, and every one of these feelings is important, because in creating that space for the child, you're allowing first of all you're gaining amazing insight into the child, but you're allowing the child to be themselves, to create their own identity. Afterwards, it doesn't mean you have to give in at all. Afterwards, it's very chashuv to say, okay, given all the things that you're saying.

1:08:44 I am the parent. This is our rule. And it is important that you follow the rules of our family. Empathy does not mean giving in, but it does mean giving your child the space to really experience themselves. Now I want to share with you another reason why this is so important, and then we'll pause for questions or comments. Rabbi, how many people on this Zoom call have heard of children that are dishonest with their parents? As I see, some of you are nodding. You've heard of children, right, David? You've heard of children that are dishonest with their parents. Why are they dishonest with their parents? It's not necessarily because of the consequences.

1:09:38 It may very well be that they're dishonest with their parents because they don't feel that there's space in the relationship for them to actually share what's going on in their lives. They feel as soon as they say to their father, 'It's not fair that we have a curfew at 10:30 when my friends have a curfew until 11:15,' they feel their father's immediate reaction will be, 'Well, that's how we do things in our family.' And it's not fair that you had to keep me up an extra 45 minutes because I have a big meeting the next day. In such a relationship, the child doesn't feel safe. And again, it doesn't mean that we don't respond to the child by sharing our perspective with them. Ultimately, as the parents, we are the ones that set the tone and make the rules for our home. But creating the space to have meaningful, empathic conversation is a gift.

1:10:29 To the child, it allows them to experience things for themselves and develop their own identity. It's also critical to the relationship because it allows the relationship to flourish. This is a space where I'm allowed to be me, an independent me, and that is absolutely critical to the development of a relationship. That was a big yeshod. So let's take a second and get any questions because I'm sure there are some. David, you can go right ahead. When it comes to so, Revi's saying that you can just keep your mentality, you can keep your belief. But the child will feel ultimately more open to sharing his side. A lot of times, they just won't even get into that conversation. They'll lie because they're afraid you're just gonna blow them off angrily. But if you say it the same way each time they do this, and each time you argue.

1:11:27 It doesn't become an argument. It just becomes I hear you, but and you say it respectfully. They'll feel more open to share, or like they're still gonna understand. The tone is one thing, but they're still not gonna like it. And again, the goal of parenting is not necessarily that our children are happy with us. That's not what we're trying to achieve. A child may be happy. A child may not be happy, and it's okay if a child is upset or frustrated with the policy of a home. I wouldn't say David. I would express it a little bit differently. I wouldn't say I hear you, but. First, I would spend a tremendous amount of time authentically trying to understand the perspective of the child. So I would use a lot of empathic language, like you know, wow, that sounds like it was really hard for you, and I can really relate to that perspective. I could certainly see why where you're coming from. That's the way it is. And then I wouldn't say the word but because but negates.

1:12:23 As I'm looking at one Talmud in particular on the screen, he and I had this conversation earlier this year, but it negates the thing that came before that, right? So I would say, given all of the things that you said, I want to share with you. Here are some of the reasons why we do what we do, right? But even if we don't necessarily want to get into the reasons, because that may not always be appropriate. A parent has every right to say, 'I hear everything you're saying. This is the policy of our home,' and that's also important because it teaches a child boundaries. And that's absolutely critical. Rabbi, quick question. Aaron. Like different kids react different ways to certain restrictions and how strict you're on how strict you are on each child. Like, is there if there's a kid that they need more of an aggressive outlook on it because he won't take any cues if it's not if it's super empathic and those kind of things. Is there

1:13:22 Do you have to treat each case the same, or based on each kid how they react to it? You're bringing up such an important question. I really value that question. It's a question we have all the time in our life. We have it in business. We have it in yeshiva. We have it in our family units. And that is the needs of the individual versus the needs of the klal. Let's say you have in yeshiva a talmud that needs a little bit of a gentler approach. So you want to give him that gentle approach. But then the Talmud, who's literally his roommate, needs let's say a more disciplined approach. How can you possibly be more lenient with one when the Talmud in the very next bed is getting a totally different experience? It's very challenging, and it's certainly true with parenting as well, because every child is going to be different. Every child, I believe, deserves to have a relationship with their parents where the parents are being empathic. That is, I think, for every kid.

1:14:20 At the end of the day, though, it's important to try to hold both of these things at once, and I don't think there's one clear, glott answer here. But we try to share with our children in my own home that every kid says all the time, they go, 'It's not fair, right?' And our response to that as parents is, 'You're right. It's not fair. We're not trying to create an equitable situation. Some kids have different needs, and we're going to cater to those needs differently than we would cater to other people's needs.' So we're not trying to run 'quote unquote' fair homes. We're trying to give every child what they need. But it is also true that sometimes there are overriding principles that you say, for the sake of the entire family unit. In this case, I can't be lenient. And you have that. For example, let's say you have some teenagers that are more mature, and so you may want to give them a later curfew. But there's a kid two years, three years later, and that kid is far less mature.

1:15:19 Giving the first kid a later curfew may negatively impact the second kid, and therefore you have to try to balance that. Very difficult, but either way, Aaron, I think it's absolutely mission critical that every child has an empathic relationship with their parents. But is it possible that if kids basically notice everything, if a kid sees that his brother, let's say that's very close in age. Has a lot easier time following the rules and everything, so his parents give him more leeway. But him seeing that, knowing that he has a harder time, and seeing that he has to deal with it a lot more in a lot more difficult way, it might mess with his confidence and those kind of things. And then it might also negatively affect his relationship with his parents because even though he knows that it's an issue and that his sibling doesn't have that issue, his sibling is getting more privileges. Still, since he's a kid, he's still going to be upset, and then it will negatively affect his relationship with his parents. Because even though he knows that he has problems fixing these certain things, he still feels like he's getting the negative end of his parents' control and the half of that. And again, I think it's a very fair point that you're bringing up. Some kids have problems with obedience.

1:16:45 There are some kids that are rule followers, and as a result, they have a more naturally pleasant relationship with the parents. And there are some kids that are not rule followers, and that can create tension in the home. And that's why I would double down on the need for an empathic relationship. And that child who's having the obedience issues, he probably even more needs to have that space with the parents and needs that time with the parents to be able to create that relationship. Extremely strict and show your control while being very soft and kind. That's the job of every parent because there's that tension, right? We need to give the kid what they need, which may be more strict, but at the same time, it has to be done in a way of small dolche v'yamin mikareves. You have to push away with the left hand. You have to draw close with the right hand. And drawing close means creating space for the child to share with you their experience. Shlomo Sarkani. Shlomo, I think you have to unmute. Sorry. So I know from my own experience that when parents are empathizing a lot, assuming very empathetic, and then turns around and gives a consequence.

1:18:10 Kind of consequences and empathy go with one another. It seems very like explaining how they understand how they get exactly what you're going through and how kind of giving your side validation and they're saying at the same time, no, and this is your punishment. It strikes one as making the parent look emotionally dishonest. I can definitely hear that challenge from the perspective of the child. There's no doubt about it. And I'll share with you, Shlomo, that I've even had that sometimes in yeshiva, where a talmud in an honest state will have a conversation with me, and I'll say, "I don't really understand you, Shlomo, if you can relate to what I'm saying right now. But the talmud may, in an honest state, say, Rebbe, I don't really understand you."

1:18:59 We have these great conversations where it seems like you really get me, and the next thing you're telling me is that if I don't show up to shachris, I'm gonna have a major consequence. There's no doubt about it. It can be confusing for the child. But what happens is that first of all, the parent that just gives in is doing their child a terrible disservice because that child will never actually get what they need. There needs to be a level of being dispassionate so that they can actually make sure that they're enforcing the appropriate rules, and at the same time, Shlomo, we're going to teach our children slowly over the course of many years that they are loved, and we can teach them that that's an important life lesson. They're loved, and they also have to follow the rules. Those are two really important things for children to learn, and again, there has to be small dolchav yamin mekareves. There has to be ten times as many positives as there are negatives.

1:19:55 But when the child gets the negative, hopefully it will be seen in the context of all the positive that's been created. So I guess the more general question is, how should someone like make their consequences? What should the consequence be? What's the purpose of the consequence? That's a great question. That's not for right this second, but that's going to be huge because not giving consequences, as we said, the job of a parent is not to give in. The job of a parent is to actually parent. And that means training the child, but at the same time, a consequence needs to be appropriate, and it needs to be intelligent, and it needs to actually meet the goals. Any other questions before we move on? I want to sort of off what Tuckman was saying, but in terms of siblings, is there a way as a parent to help nurture the sibling relationship between them?

1:20:55 I think that the family unit and the relationships that exist within the family unit are absolutely critical to the children developing in a socially appropriate way. Parents have to be careful not to triangulate themselves into relationships between one sibling and another, but creating a home where the children get along and they're able to coexist. It's not only for within the home. It's not only for the shalom bayis, but it's ultimately to give those children the skills as they leave the home. So there is a certain amount of intervention that's going to be necessary, absolutely. So I want to take the next couple of minutes because we're starting to run out of time, believe it or not. I want to take the next couple of minutes to just highlight.

1:21:54 Some of the important responsibilities that a parent has to a child. The first one we're going to speak about is adjusting to reality. Shlomo, this goes a little bit to what you were speaking about before. The reality is a very harsh place to live. Reality is not a simple thing at all, and as such, parents have a responsibility to prepare their children to cope with reality. What parents often do, and it's very misguided, is they actually try to do exactly the opposite. They may attempt to prevent their child from feeling any sense of discomfort, but the problem with that is that the children are not then prepared for real life because real life can be very uncomfortable. This is what happened in the trophy generation. I don't know if you guys know what the trophy generation was.

1:22:50 But when I was running camp many years ago, when I still lived in America, there was this whole psychological movement that children can't lose. Everybody needs to get a trophy, and so the camp had bought trophies. I didn't make this decision, but the camp had bought trophies for every kid in camp, and every kid got a trophy, and the trophies were managed for Nairiskite. It was like one time you got on second base, you get a trophy. You one time you served people in the dining room. You get a trophy, and literally every kid walked out of camp with a trophy. And I was standing by the buses on the last day of camp as the kids were leaving, and I was watching kids dump their trophies into the garbage. They were literally like they didn't even bother bringing them home and then throwing them into the garbage. It wasn't worth taking on the bus, because the children understood. It was like the Dundies. The children understood.

1:23:44 That's just to wake Abe Teicher up. I got David Perlman also. Good. Chas v'shalom. I'm just saying. If you know what I'm saying, I'm not saying. So the try to be the most relevant Rebbe in yeshiva. You could tell that to Reb Hershel. The idea here is as follows: sparing a child discomfort is not real. The real world is very uncomfortable, and we need to know when to expose a child to difficult situations, when to allow them to cope on their own, and when to protect them. What's critical is we need to understand the timing. When is it appropriate timing? If it's too soon, and the child will inevitably fail, then they will lose faith in themselves. So if we let say life is tough, you're gonna have to deal with it.

1:24:39 And the child is five years old, and they've been put in a situation where there's no way they've developed the social skills necessary to cope with the challenging situation they're in. So then, the child will lose faith in themselves. That's going to impact self-esteem, which we'll discuss a lot about, not right now. And you can really hurt the child that way. So timing is critical. On the other hand, if you coddle the child and overprotect them, the child never develops appropriate coping skills, and then you have a generation of children that show up to work and they're twenty-two years old. They've just finished college, and they don't understand why they're not a CEO. They don't understand why six months into the job they haven't gotten a raise already. They've never actually had to struggle because every time they were going to get a B, they complained to their teacher, and the teacher gave them an A.

1:25:32 And every time they needed, they didn't want to study so hard for the test. All of a sudden, they magically had ADHD and they got extra time. I don't know if you guys are familiar with this concept of extra time. Everybody gets extra time. You know what I mean? The idea here is as follows: It's important for us to understand that our job is to prepare the children for the real world because that's where Judaism takes place. It takes place in the real world. The real world is harsh. There are going to be setbacks. It's not always going to be easy. So the question is: Have you taught your child to cope? Did you understand the timing of what was necessary in order to make sure that they're capable of meeting that particular goal? That's one: adjusting to reality. A second goal. Parents have a responsibility. We discussed this briefly before to raise the child to be socially appropriate. Socially appropriate is huge.

1:26:31 If a child is not capable of being socially appropriate, they cannot be successful in the world. What does that mean? Children are meant to be self-centered. A little child, a little baby, does not care about anything else in the world. They only care about themselves. They cry when they're hungry. They throw temper tantrums when they want something. They don't care about anyone else, and that's the way it's supposed to be because they're little children. Our job, and this is what it means to raise socially appropriate children, is to move them from a self-centered worldview to an other-centric worldview. And we want to teach them: You're not the only one here. How do you play nicely with others? And that skill, even from a very young age, is going to be critical as they're developing friendships in elementary school, as they're developing relationships in high school, when they ultimately meet a spouse, raise their own children, to be successful in a job, to be part of a community.

1:27:29 We have to learn to consider the needs of others and that's an important part of parenting. What are the strategies that we could use to teach our children to be not self-centered but other-centric? Number one, as we said, role modeling. Role modeling is critical. If the parents are reprimanding the child for not sharing, but then the child hears the parents talking about how these sadaqa collectors are constantly coming to our door and it's so annoying, so you're teaching the child that sharing is not what we do. You could tell the child you have to share your toys nicely, but if you then turn around and you don't give with a smile on your face when someone knocks on your door, what lesson are the children learning? Not only that, but when there is a disconnect, this is critical.

1:28:23 When there's a disconnect between the value that the parent is espousing and the value that the child is actually seeing, that breeds mistrust between the child and the parent. The child doesn't know: is the parent actually authentic? Is the parent really doing the right thing? We want to trust our parents, but we want to make sure that the parents are honest and true. Trust is critical for interpersonal relationships. Love requires trust, right? In a marital relationship, trusting a superior in the office, respecting authority, trust is critical. So when there's an erosion of trust between the parent and the child, because the child sees that the parent is not actually living their values, that's going to be terrible for the development of the child. One last one that I want to discuss, and then I'll open the floor back up to questions. Parents have a responsibility.

1:29:23 Not only, as we said, to adjust to reality, not only to be socially appropriate, but to impart values to the children. So we want our children to be tolerant. We want our children to be patient. We want our children to be cooperative. We want our children to respect other people. So we have to make sure that these values are being communicated. How do we communicate these values? As we said, number one, role modeling is critical. But here's another strategy that I want to use that I want to share with you tonight, and I think it's super important. The stories that we tell our children are amazing opportunities to impart values. So if the stories you're imparting are like these nonsense stories, and I'm not saying there's not room for just reading a regular book to your kid, but when you're at the Shabbos table, you have the opportunity to discuss with them. This is how.

1:30:20 Our siddikim behaved, and you could tell stories about rabbanim that you had in your lives, and how sensitive they were, and how respectful they were. There are so many stories out there. And even though everybody today likes to rip on the artscroll biographies because it makes the gedolim seem inhuman, there is something amazing, really, really amazing, about sharing with your child that our gedolim, the people that we look up to, were people of tremendous values. And I'll share with you that over the years, I'm seeing you guys at 18 and 19 years old. Over the years, guys will share and they'll say, I once heard a story from my third grade rebbe, and they'll be able to remember the stories. Stories deeply resonate with us. So ask yourself, what do I want my Shabbos table to look like? And one of the things that I hope you'll have by your Shabbos tables.

1:31:13 Stories of gadolim and the values that they lived are awesome opportunities to share with your children. Just to sum up very quickly what we spoke about, and then I'll open it up to any last-minute questions. Let's run it back to the very beginning of the shir. Number one, we can control ourselves. We can't necessarily control our children. Children learn by osmosis. The main thing is to be a role model. Children are independent. And though we are deeply connected to them, we need to learn how to relate to them as independent. At the center of parenting is empathy. Temporarily suspending our opinion in order to see things from their perspective. This creates space for the child to create an identity for themselves. It allows us to respond to the children's needs, and not just to our own needs. It allows the child to feel safe in the relationship. This does not mean giving in.

1:32:11 Our responsibilities as parents, which we spoke about tonight, are adjusting to reality. Reality is harsh. Prepare your child in the appropriate time to learn how to cope with the challenges of reality. Number two, being socially appropriate. Again, role modeling, living your values so that the children actually have trust in their parents. And finally, imparting values. Of course, role modeling, but also storytelling. Any last questions before we finish up, chavra? Then on that note, I want to wish you guys a wonderful Shabbos. Rabbi Say, take care.