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I particularly enjoyed this week's question. I hear a lot about working on oneself. I often get inspired to do something about it, sit down and do a little cheshvan on ephesh, but don't really know what to do after that. Can Rebbe give practical steps for how exactly to work on slash change a midah, e.g. self-control? I know it's probably an individualized process, but in general, what should one do? Thank you. So first of all, I'll tell you why I love this question. The reason I love this question is because so often people say, I'm working on it. or I've really grown, but they don't necessarily understand what growth is. And they don't necessarily understand what working on oneself means. So when they say they've grown, what do they really mean? Very often, what they mean is, I've abstained from doing something that I did before. And there is a lot of value in that. But very often, those same people have not gotten to the core issue. So for example, let's say a person says I'm working on anger. So now I'm getting less angry. That's amazing. Baruch Hashem, the people around you don't have to suffer your wrath.
But at the same time, you haven't really grown, because what you're probably doing is just suppressing your anger. And while there is value in not blowing up at another person, you haven't really grown because you haven't really dealt with the core issue. To grow means to come to an awareness of yourself, to come to a real depth of understanding of the various parts that you have, and then to work with those parts. So for example, a very different way of doing it would be something like this. I've noticed about myself that I'm really getting angry. So I've done my chesh ben anefesh, and I've made the commitment, I want to work on my growth in this area. The next question that a person may ask themselves is, what exactly is the part that's getting angry doing for me? Every part of ourselves helps us protect ourselves and helps us manage the scenarios that we're in. So, for example, let's say a person's getting angry. Maybe they're getting angry because when they feel threatened, it's a way of making sure that they remain above the other person. It makes them feel powerful. It helps them manage the situation when they feel like they're under attack. Now they've gotten a much deeper understanding of this part of themselves that's angry. And they can take the next step.
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The next step would be to say, OK. I don't like the fact that I'm blowing up at people. I think that's having a negative impact on my life. But I can also recognize the positive impact of my anger. It helps me feel safe. It helps me feel like I'm in control. What can I do to give myself the feeling of safety and control when I feel like another person is attacking or threatening me? They might say that what they need to do is slow down and really think about the fact maybe they're not under attack. Maybe the attack is only perceived. Or maybe even if the attack is real, maybe they don't need to respond like that. Maybe there are other avenues that are more appropriate responses that can also make them feel safe, that can also give them an important feeling of control. Seen through that lens, they're no longer suppressing their anger. They're making an active choice to deal with the scenario very, very differently. That's real growth. They've changed the internal way that they see the world, which then has an external.
manifestation. So a scenario happens where somebody, let's say, threatens them or attacks them. They can slow it down and make a choice to respond differently, knowing that what they really need in that moment is a feeling of safety and control. This is what it means to really work on yourself. It's important to make a chesh ben ha-nefesh because we have to know what we need to work on. But taking the next step and doing more than just stopping our bad behavior is very important. I'll finish by quoting from a television show. It was actually a skit done on MADtv. And in the skit, A client comes to see a psychologist and describes to him this terrible problem that they're having of anxieties and fears. And the psychologist in the skit says, OK, I'll tell you what you need to do. It's very simple. You just need to stop it. And the client is like, what do you mean? He's like, just stop it. It's not working for you. And then the client says another thing that they're struggling with. And the psychologist says, just stop it. And then the client says another thing that they're struggling with.
And the psychologist says, just stop it. If we could just stop it, we would. We wouldn't need to go to a therapist. We wouldn't need to go to someone to help us work on these things if we could just stop it. Stopping doesn't work. It's the reason why so often we start something and we say, okay, I'm going to really control my anger. And maybe it lasts for a day. Maybe it lasts for a week. Maybe it even lasts for a month. But because we haven't dealt with the core issue, there's very little chance that it's actually going to continue in that way. So what I would recommend doing is really stopping what you're doing, understanding the part of you that's behaving this way, and then asking that part what it needs in order to behave differently.
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