Shemini - Humbly Creating Space For Hashem

2:16 There's a very obvious question here. There's two obvious questions. Number one, it seems a little interesting to us that Aaron Cohen would be afraid to bring a carbon chattus. Like, probably if we were thinking about what Aaron Cohen was like, if he did something wrong and he has the opportunity to bring a carbon chattus, he's probably the type of person that runs to say "I'm sorry," that runs to bring a carbon chattus. Aside from the fact that it's a little strange that Aaron Cohen is a little afraid, there's something else that really, really bothers me about this rashi. I'm sure it bothers you too. There's a There's an old skit that was done on something called Mad TV. Mad TV was like a Saturday Night Live ripoff, many years ago. The skit is that a client walks into a therapist's office. And the client says, "I have a fear of being buried alive."

3:12 So the therapist says, "we can deal with that." And then he says, "My pay structure is. It's five dollars for five minutes, and it's a dollar for every additional minute." And she's like, "Wow, that's amazing. I've never heard of this pay structure before." He's like, "Yes, I'm just going to tell you this, and it's going to answer all your questions." She's like, "Do I need a pen to write it down?" He's like, "No, you don't need a pen. I'm pretty sure you could remember it." And so she's like, "Okay, I'm ready." He's like, "You ready?" He's like, "I'm ready. He goes, "Stop it." And she's like, "What?" He's like, "Just stop it. Don't be afraid of being buried alive. Just stop it. She's like, well, I can't stop it. He's like, well, no. That's not how this works. Is it working for you to be afraid of being buried alive? She goes, no. He goes, just stop it.

4:02 If somebody says, imagine you're afraid. Imagine you're afraid, and somebody goes, don't be afraid. Does that work? It doesn't work. So what's Moshe Rabbeinu doing here? Aaron Cohen is afraid to draw close to the mizbeach because something about the chet eigel. We have to understand what it is. But something about the chet eigel, Aaron Cohen is a little afraid to draw close to the mizbeach. So Moshe Rabbeinu goes, No! Don't be afraid. This is what you were chosen for. You can't tell someone who's afraid, don't be afraid. And yet that seems to be exactly what Moshe Rabbeinu is doing over here. So what's the pshat in this Rashi? Krav ela mizbeach. Draw close to the mizbeach. Don't be afraid. Is it that simple? By the way, if it is, how awesome would that be? It'd be amazing. If you were suffering from something terribly and you just needed some inspirational Rebbe to come over to you and go, don't be afraid.

5:01 Great. I don't need to be afraid anymore. That would be the best therapy in the world. Just he would be like the ultimate therapist. Whisper these words in your ear, and all of a sudden you're a changed person. So it's an obvious question. I think we can all agree to this question. So listen to what Rav Lapianski's answer is because it's brilliant. I saw it this morning and said, I had a different share prepared, but this is the share I want to give because I really fell in love with this idea. On what day was the Mishkan inaugurated? Anyone know? I'll give you a hint. It's the name of the parsha. I'll give you a different hint. This week's parsha is Parsha Shmini. Very good. So it was the eighth day. The question is, how do we look at the number eight? It was the eighth day. There were eight days of the inauguration of the Mishkan. The Mishkan was inaugurated on the eighth day. The question is, how do we look at the number eight? So there's a difference.

6:01 There's a difference between the way we look at the number seven. And the way that we look at the number eight. Seven is the finale of six. I'll explain. I promise you, I'm not here to keep the information to myself. I would like for you to understand it. Seven is the finale of six. For example, the pasuk says, 'Sheshes yamim tavoed va'asis kol lechdacha.' Six days a week you shall work. Uva yom hasha. Uva and on Shabbos that's la'ashem alokacha. So you see that the seventh day is what? It's the end. It's the end cap. It brings together all the six days before it. Not so when it comes to the number eight. The number eight is fundamentally more than the seven that came before it. Just as an example of what this looks like, there's six thousand years of creation. Girls know this is six thousand years of creation. The Gemara says there's two thousand years of chaos, two thousand years of Torah, two thousand years of Mashiach. Then there's a thousand years of Shabbos. That's the period that we're about to start, and then there's something called Olam Haba, the next world, and that's the eighth dimension. That's what follows after the seven thousand years.

7:19 But it's a whole different reality. It's not like Shabbos, which is the end cap of the week. The eighth dimension is a whole distinct reality. It's the reality of the supernatural. So the seven is always natural. Shabbos is within the natural world. It's only me'ain olam haba. It's only a taste of the world to come because it's that bridge in between. But still, it's shyach to the six days of the week. The eighth dimension is not really shyach to the seven that come before it. It's its own, beyond the natural. Supernatural reality. Question is, what does that mean? Rav Apiansky quotes a Rambam. Do you girls know? In the times of the prophets, there were navi yeshivas. Do you know this? There were yeshivas. The Rambam describes that there were navi yeshivas where a person would go to work on their middos, because the only way that you could receive prophecy was through becoming a vehicle to receive the prophecy. So you went to these navi yeshivas, and basically they were mussar yeshivas. You went to work on yourself. So let's say a person spent all that time working on themselves. Is that a guarantee that they'll get prophecy? Listen to the words of the Rambam. This is the Rambam writes: Va'afal pi she'mechavnim daitam.

8:39 Even though a person spent time focusing and concentrating on becoming a vehicle to receive the word of Hashem Efsir Shatisha Shchin Alein the Efsir Shalot Tisha. It's possible to get prophecy. It's also possible that they won't get prophecy. Meaning Within the realm of seven. You do your work You put in the work, you become a vehicle. You change yourself, but in the realm of the eighth That's Hashem responding to you. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. So when it comes to a prophet, a prophet could do all the work. Maybe he'll get prophecy, maybe it won't. For the seven first days of the inauguration of the Mishkan, what did Klal Yisrael do? What did the Kohanim do? They worked to make the Mishkan a place where Hashem would dwell. What was the question on the eighth day? The question on the eighth day is: Will Hashem choose to dwell within the reality that we made for Him?

9:49 I'll give you an example of what this looks like. In a very mundane day-to-day thing, this is where I want you to lock in because this was the exciting part that I wanted to get to. Are you ready? If I'm in a relationship with someone I can go out and buy or make the most beautiful gift for another person. But what am I not in control of? Whether or not they will receive my gift. Right. From the perspective, we'll call it of seven and eight. What's the seven? Seven is me spending all the time and energy to make this gift, to get this gift. I don't want to give it away. But I was talking to a young man who's dating a young lady right now, and Baruch Hashem, the relationship is progressing. I can't say any details, just in case by some random chance she listens to this, then I don't want to give away what the gift is. But so last night he was telling me about this thing that she mentioned, and he was like

10:59 Perfect, I'm gonna go out and buy that thing for her. There's another thing that's also like an accoutrement, it's like attached to that thing. I can get both of them. I can make it personalized. I can get her name written on it. As they say, an unexpected gift at an unexpected time is the key to a woman's heart. So he's hoping that this unexpected gift, unexpected time, right before Pesach, a pre-Pesach, pre-Afikoman present, and he's hoping that this will continue to advance the relationship. That's all within the realm of seven. He's putting in all this work to try to be a person she'll want to participate in a relationship with. But what's the eighth dimension? She might not receive his gift. Because at the end of the day, what do we not control? We don't control the other in any relationship. We don't control how the other person responds to us.

11:57 Does that make sense? So I can only do my best. I can put myself out there, but whether or not you respond to me is up to you. And there's something very beautiful about seeing it this way. Let's go back to the navi. What is a navi? If you wanted to really think about what is a navi. We think of a navi as a really good fortune teller. Isn't that way? Think about it. You go to the navi and he closes his eyes and then you know obviously the navi is svari, right? And tells you I just wanted to see how many people I would offend. And I don't mean the svarim, I mean the ashkenazim. And the navi looks into the future and says this is what's going to happen to you. That's the way we think about a navi. But is that really the right way of thinking about a navi? That seems to be almost idolatrous. You're using the navi as a tool for telling you the future. That doesn't seem to be a very good idea. If you think about what a navi is, it's the ultimate in terms of being in a relationship with Hashem.

12:58 This is someone who's totally dedicated themselves to being aligned with Hashem. And at the end of the day, the last bit of effort is what I don't control whether or not Hashem will respond to me. But you could do everything you want to be appropriate for the relationship. At the end of the day, we don't control Hashem. This is what it means—the eighth day when Klal Yisrael was sitting there at the inauguration of the Mishkan, and now it's Yom Hashmini. What was the tension? What was the drama on the eighth day? The drama was we just put in seven days. We put in all the work to make this the home that you wanted us to build. We erected the Mishkan. It's beautiful. We have all the kelim. Everything is set up. What are they waiting on the eighth day for? They're waiting to see if the fire will come down from Shamayim and consume those sacrifices.

13:49 Because if it does That's good. That means Hashem wants to be in a relationship with us. But if not Then it's getting left at the altar. If not, it's the ultimate rejection. It's the ultimate. You're dumped. I'm not interested in being in a home with you. This was a big deal, Yom Hashmini. And now Aaron is afraid. Now let's examine this: Is Aaron allowed to be afraid if the karpun is an obligation? The answer is no. It sounds a little bit funny, but I'll explain. If you're obligated to do something Is fear a good excuse? No. If you're obligated to do something, then even if you're afraid, what do you do? You overcome that fear and you get it done. That's the Aaron Akomim that we would have expected. If he was obligated to bring this carbon, then Aaron Akomim would have brought the carbon. But Aaron Akomim was afraid. What would he have done? Self-regulation. He would have said, "I'm going to compartmentalize my fear."

14:57 We'll use IFS language. There's a part of me that's afraid, but myself. And the eight C's of self remains confident and clarity and all the different things. And I'm going to choose to engage from that place in order to bring this carbon. There's no doubt that's what Arna Kohen would have done. There was a completely different goal. What was the goal? The goal was for Arna Kohen to bring this carbon, and what's going to happen? Hashem is going to respond to the carbon by saying what? By saying yes or no, I choose to be in this relationship or I don't choose to be in this relationship. Now let's go back. This is deep. Now you ready? Arna Cohen is afraid. Why is he afraid? Because he's asking himself the question. Because I built the Egel HaZahav. Because I'm the one that built the golden calf.

15:56 If I'm the one to bring the carbon. Then what might Hashem say? I don't want to be in a home with you. You understand, Aaron's fear. Aaron's fear now is not that Aaron is afraid, so he doesn't show up to the relationship. Of course, Aaron would have shown up. Aaron is saying, I don't know if I'm the best person to bring this carbon because if Hashem is now going to choose, and I have no control over whether or not Hashem chooses. If Hashem is going to choose to participate or not to participate, to come down and take that carbon or not to take that carbon, to dwell in this home or not to dwell in this home, Aaron Cohen is saying, "Am I the right person to bring the carbon? Because after all, I'm the one who made the eagle, and maybe Hashem will say I'm not the right person to build a home with.

16:52 You understand? This is now a real, Reasonable fear that Aaron Akolayin has. He's not just stam afraid because he made a mistake. He's asking himself the question: If I bring the karpun, is Hashem going to say yes? Will he receive our gift? Here, If somebody comes to you So far so good. Now we understand Aaron's fear, but what question do we still have? We still have the question of Moshe Abinu going stop it That doesn't seem to make sense. But it does make sense. We'll see. Obviously, it makes sense on some level, but I think we're going to give a more sophisticated answer. But I want to hear your answer. I don't want to in case you're saying the right answer and you steal my thunder. So I'll go first. Tell me yours afterwards. Let's see if it's the same, or maybe you'll have a better answer than me.

17:46 So it goes like this. Imagine you're in a relationship with someone But you're not so happy with them. Things in the relationship are not going so well. Chas v'shalom. And now They come and give you a gift. Are you inclined to take it? Because the truth of the matter is that sometimes a gift is really awkward. If the relationship is not going well And somebody tries to give you a gift, it's like we're not holding there. Because what does a gift mean? A gift means that I'm showing you my dedication, my love, my appreciation. But what if you don't feel loved? What if you don't feel appreciated? What if you don't feel that this person has been loyal to you? The gift becomes almost like Like uncomfortable. It's like. It doesn't taste good in your mouth. It's like grainy. It goes against where the relationship is holding.

18:55 So imagine you say to this person. Thank you for that. Imagine if you say to this person, because I also caught myself. Imagine if you say to this person You're being so selfish by not taking the gift. I'm trying to do a nice thing for you. Why can't you just accept the gift? In some ways. Doesn't that make it even worse? It makes it even more uncomfortable to take the gift. Why? Because I want to take the gift from you if there's space for me in the relationship. But if you demand or try to control how I show up to the relationship Then what don't I feel? I don't feel welcome. I don't feel safe. I don't feel like this is a place that can actually hold me. You understand? So there are people that they're trying so hard. I'll say it like this. There are husbands that are trying to be such good husbands that they've forgotten about their wives.

20:04 Does that make sense? Ervmanis Friedman had a very famous book that came out in the 80s. It was called Why Doesn't Anyone Blush Anymore? And I'm pretty sure it was a New York Times bestseller. Some of you may have heard of it. The original title of the book was called "Shut Up, I Love You" And he explained that he wanted the title of the book to be 'Shut Up, I Love You' because he said that's sometimes what happens in a relationship. Will you just be quiet so I can love you? People who appear to be the best husbands, appear to be the best wives, but really, who are they serving? They're serving themselves. I want to be the best husband, so will you shut up so I can love you? It has nothing to do with the person they're married to. If somebody gives you a gift If somebody gives you a gift, and you don't want to take that gift, and they go, "Will you just stop it? Just take the gift. Just be appreciative for everything that I do."

21:02 So then, what's the problem? They're not interested in being married to you. They're interested in being a person who gives a gift. Do you hear the difference? And in fact, by trying to control you, by trying to tell you how you have to show up to the relationship, you're actually paradoxically pushed out even farther. So imagine the following. Now it's the eighth day. And Hashem is quote unquote obviously we don't mean this literally deciding Am I going to live in the Mishkan? Am I going to accept Klal Yisrael's gift? This is literally what Klal Yisrael is doing. They said, God, we built you a home. Imagine that your husband comes in one day. You're in an apartment. He comes in with a big smile on his face. He said, 'Come, let's go for a ride.' And you go to a house, and he says, I bought this for us.

21:54 That's a pretty big surprise. You bought a house for us. I didn't know if I wanted that house or not. It's a very vulnerable moment. What would our natural reaction be in that moment, as human beings? Naturally, we would want to be like, come on, God, let's go. Do it, right? Just take you, just take our gift. But if we show up that way Then naturally, what are we doing? We're actually pushing God farther away. So now let's listen to the way that the Balshemtov. Let's listen to the way that the Chosen Milublin and maybe Miss Travis Read Rashi. Let's read Rashi again. Krav ela mizebach. Moshe Rabbeinu says to Aaron Cohen, 'Draw close to the Mizbeach.' Why? Because Aaron Cohen was embarrassed, and he was saying, 'I don't know if I'm the person that Hashem would want to have a relationship with.' He's afraid because he says, 'Does God really want me?'

23:00 So listen, what Moshe says. He doesn't say, "Stop it." He says, "Lama ata bosh." Why are you the one that's embarrassed? Le kach nevcharta. It's specifically because you are embarrassed. Specifically because you're afraid to draw close. That's why you were chosen to be the one to bring this carbon Because you're the humble man that creates space. In other words, if you have a wife, and she's not feeling particularly close to the husband, and the husband comes and brings a gift. And he says, "I don't know if you'll take it from me because I know that things haven't always been great with us" But I'm hopeful that you do. And he humbles himself Recognizing that he hasn't been perfect in the relationship. In a certain way, even though we're not controlling the other person, doesn't that attract the wife to want to say yes? If it was your husband, wouldn't you want to say yes to such a gift?

23:59 Because he's not interested in the gift. What's he interested in? You. So Moshe Rabbeinu says to Aaron and Cohen, of all the people in the entire nation that could be the person to bring the karbon that Hashem will choose to say yes to, it has to be you. Aaron and Cohen says me, but I'm the one that brought the egal azov. I don't think that I'm worthy of this. Moshe Rabbeinu says exactly Because you have the humility to recognize that you haven't been perfect in the relationship. In a certain way, you're the most attractive one. Krav el mazbech. He's saying he's not saying to Aaron Cohen, 'Don't be afraid.' You hear the answer. He's not saying, 'Don't be afraid.' He's saying, 'Because you're afraid, lekach nevcharta.' It's for this reason that you've been chosen. Why is this so important? Why is this idea so important to us?

24:56 These years of seminary, And I know that there's a lot of classes that are given over the course of the year on dating and marriage. And it could sometimes even be, as the boys told me, it could be OD. It's like it could be a little bit much. I get it. But there's a reason for it. The reason is because in these formative years, right before you enter into the parsha of shaduchim, you need to be able to become aware of what it looks like to participate in a relationship. And the Torah is the ultimate model for us about what it looks like to participate in a relationship. If you show up to a relationship and you're not in self And you're operating from a place of fear. But the fear is not the humble fear, the fear is not the recognition that you're imperfect, but it's a fear that you overcompensate for. You say, because I'm afraid, because I know I'm not perfect. I have to control.

26:00 That doesn't leave space for anybody else to participate in a relationship with you. Lots of times, people go out with people and they're like, "I don't know why I'm not attracting anyone." Remember that attraction is something that happens within us. We are naturally nuclear reactors of love and connection, but we can stop that reaction from happening by being out of self. Does that make sense? So a guy who shows up, we all know these guys, right? If a guy shows up and he's like Mr. Macho, Mr. Tough, Mr. Arrogant At first glance, you might think he's a cool guy, but then he opens up his mouth and you're like, ugh. Why is that? Because there's no room for us. The work that we have to do on ourselves is to say, who am I that I would be a person that could create attraction? There's a famous story. It's like one of these famous stories that's told in yeshivas that a boy came to his rashiya and he said, 'I don't know what to do. I've literally dated two hundred girls and I haven't found a girl that I can marry, and I'm so sick of dating. I don't know what to do.'

27:12 And the rashiya strokes his beard and he chuckles and he closes his eyes and he opens his eyes and he looks at the boy and he says Tell me Is there anything that all of these girls had in common? One common thread. The reason why it didn't work out with all of them. So the boy stops and he thinks it's a brilliant question from his rashi shiva. So he stops and he thinks about it and he says I don't think so, Rebbe. This girl was too smart. This girl wasn't smart enough. This girl was too in town. This girl was too out of town. And he starts listing all the different things that each one had and why it didn't work out with all two hundred girls. And finally, at the end, the Rosh Yeshiva smiles at him and says, "There is one thing that all these girls had in common." The boy goes, "What? He goes, "You You're the one thing that all these girls had in common.

28:04 Meaning, if you've dated two hundred girls and you couldn't find somebody to marry within those two hundred girls, maybe it's not the two hundred girls. Maybe there's something that's happening inside of us. Most people don't realize that when it comes to dating. The work is actually internal. People spend a lot of time talking to their like rabbayim and their teachers, their mechanchot, their rakazot, their madrichot And they go, "What should I be looking for?" It's the wrong question. You know what you should be looking for. You don't need someone to tell you what you should be looking for. The question is, how should I be looking inside of myself to become someone who's a nuclear reactor of love and connection? By the way, I'm sure you've met those people. I'm not talking about charismatic people. I'm not talking about dynamic people. I'm talking about people that are so centered, so balanced that naturally, just people find themselves drawn to such people. Have you met such people in your life?

28:59 It's amazing. Do you know that every one of us has the capacity to do that? When we show up in self We just attract that. We're magnetic. The nature of a human being is that we're designed to connect to another human being. So this lesson right here in this parsha is such a huge lesson. What's the number one feature of being in a relationship? The number one thing. If you have this, you have everything. What's the number one thing that will invite someone into your life? Vulnerability is right. That's the birthplace of connection. I think the answer we're hearing tonight is humility. The ability to create space for another. You don't need to be perfect, but you do need to have a certain sense of bousha. Bulshah doesn't mean to be ashamed. It doesn't mean shame like I'm unworthy of love and connection. It means the ability to recognize that I can pull back and create space for another, and give them the choice of whether or not they want to participate in a relationship with me. And if they don't, that's sad, but I'll be okay. And if they do, that's wonderful. I would love to participate in the relationship with them.

30:04 Exactly why Arna Cohen was afraid is exactly what made Arna Cohen. The ultimate vehicle for the Yom Hashmini. Yom Hashmini is up to Hashem. It's like the Navi. The Navi works on himself for all those years. He goes to Navi school, and what's he working on the entire time? He's working on his ego. And at the end of the day, he stands ready to receive Hashem's prophecy. Will he receive it? Don't know. Maybe Hashem will choose him. Maybe he won't. But if the Navi, after all those years of Navi training, of all those years of those seven days of work, he gets angry and he goes, 'How come God never gives me nevuah?' Hagufa. It's because you had the arrogance to demand it. It drives Hashem away. Your ego is not yet rectified. This is the work for all of us. Every person naturally has a level of ego. Every single person naturally has a question like, why should I not put myself at the forefront?

30:58 Because that's what people do in order to survive. But we have to work on our humility. We have to step aside from our animal soul that wants to just survive, elevate our godly soul, which is naturally selfless. And Be'ez Hashem, we'll invite healthy people into participating in a healthy relationship with us. I think this is our last class for Pesach, so I just want to wish you all a Chag Kasher v'Sameach. And do not forget, if you're going home for Pesach, you have the opportunity to be mechabed your parents. Grab every single moment you've been in Eretz Yisrael for a number of months already. Take the time to be mechabed your parents.