Nitzavim - Are You Dating or Auditioning? Where Real Attraction Comes From

2:04 Say Rabbi Uman right after the show. By the way, we should have done a singles event in Uman. That's a whole different type of singles event. That's a very different singles event. Eretz Yisrael, Uman, different vibes. You never know who you're speaking to. You say Rabbi Nachman. Sometimes you see the place go like, 'Get on edge, like who is this guy?' Sometimes you see like a guy in the corner going, 'Yeah, Rabenu.' So I see you're my people. So Rabbi Nachman says as follows: This is a very deep idea. It's Gemara in Tainus, 21b. The Gemara in Tainus speaks about a man whose name was Abba Umma. Abba Umma was Abba the Bloodletter. That's what he did. And the Gemara says that he would receive a shalom aleichem every single day from Yeshiva Shammai. Now I have no idea what that means to receive a shalom aleichem from Yeshiva Shammai. But he got one. He got one. The Gemara says that Abaye would get a shalom aleichem from Yeshiva Shammai every single week before Shabbos, like a good Shabbos shalom aleichem.

3:07 And Rava would get one every year before Yom Kippur. So Abaye was like, 'Who is this Aba Umno that Yeshiva Shalmeilah says Shalom Aleichem to him every single day?' And the Gemara says that they said to him, 'Lo Matzus Lemi Abed Kovei.' In other words, 'You're unable to do what Aba Umno does.' He gets a Shalom Aleichem because you're unable to do what he does. What does he do? So the Gemara goes into a whole list of things that Aba Umno did. In terms of the tsnius. The way that he would like to dress people in order to dress women specifically in order to take out their blood in a tsnius way. Gemara talks about the tsnius chesed that he seems that was like a big opinion by him. We're not here to get into what specifically about Aba Ummno was special. What I'm here to pick up on is what Rabbi Nachman Lukutai Maharan Lamidal. Listen what Rabbi Nachman says. I'm picking out select phrases from this whole piece. But I think that they articulate a nikkuda that's very important to you. He says, "Ki yesh be kol echod mi Yisrael davar yakar shulbachinas nukuda masein b'chaverim."

4:13 Speaking on this Gemara, Rabbi Nachman says as follows: Every single Jew possesses something precious, Davar yakar. Every single one of us possesses something very precious. It's a unique nukuda that nobody else has. And I know it sounds like we all heard this before, like it's like a simple tire, every one of us is unique. But he's picking up on something. He's picking up on the fact that Aba Ummah. It wasn't just that he did something in the world of Tznius that Abaye couldn't do. That Rava couldn't do. There was a unique Tchunasah Nefesh. There was a unique way that Aba Ummah showed up in the world. What was special about Aba Ummah is he acted in alignment with that uniqueness. That is not obvious. It's very obvious to say that every one of us is unique. Hakadosh Baruch Hu doesn't make doubles. You don't need Rabbi Nachman to tell you that. But that a person could reach a madrega where in yeshiva shalmaila they wish him a shalom aleichem every single day.

5:17 Not only because of the thing that he did, which was this extraordinary act of sneis and tzedkus, but more than that, he was acting in alignment with the nature of his soul. That's what Abba Ummah was doing. He says, "Ubechina hazoys sheyesh b'yosher mechaveru." This thing that you have more than anybody else, because every one of us has something that's more about us, something that's more than everybody else. He says, "Huma shpia umayer umaeir leiv chaveru." It has the ability. Look at the words; very powerful words. Huma shpia To influence. Umeir to illuminate. Umaeir leiv chaveru to awaken the heart of your friend. In other words, when we act aligned with our deepest truth. That's what it means to have a neshama. A neshama means every single one of us has an internal truth. By the way, in the world of psychology today they're struggling with this concept. What does the word self mean? Because what does the word self mean? They talk about self. They can describe self. They'll talk about self as curious and connected and all the Cs.

6:19 I don't know if you're familiar with IFS language. All the Cs of IFS. All the there's eight Cs and five Ps. But they're all descriptions of a neshama. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it doesn't matter. Israel Free Spirit. It's an interesting thing when we all have our own lens of how we see acronyms in the world. But I love that. To you, it means Israel Free Spirit. To others, it means internal family systems. In internal family systems, there's a concept called self. And that self has like descriptions, but what precisely is the nature of a soul? It's not obvious. And by the way, today in the world of IFS, Richard Schwartz has come around. Richard Schwartz was the founder of IFS. He's come around to describing the self in spiritual terms, because you can't really talk about self without talking about spirituality. In fact, I think we're heading towards an inflection point in the history of humanity.

7:16 Because it used to be that what made us human was that we were the most intelligent animals in the field. We're not anymore. I think Elon Musk said within five years, what humans are to chimpanzees, that's what AI is going to be to humans. We're no longer the most intelligent animals in the field, and the entire world is freaking out about this. But for those of us that have been studying the deeper wisdom of Torah, this is like expected. We always knew that it wasn't our intelligence that made us human. It was our neshama. It was a unique thing that we have. Something everybody in this room possesses something more. More doesn't mean better than. More means I have a unique capacity to see the world in a particular way. I have a unique capacity to act in the world in a particular way. When I do, it has the capacity to influence. It has the capacity to awaken in somebody else the heart of another. The chaverot tarch lekabel hasoira so b'chinas hazayis mimenu. When every single friend needs to draw from the well springs of their friend to be able to illuminate their lives.

8:19 Rabbi Nachman is saying, none of us live on an island. It's not possible for us to live on an island. What you have, I need, and what I have, you need. When I'm acting in alignment with that self, when I'm living an aligned life, I'm having this influence on others. That's a good thing because others then are receiving from me, and I need that. And then I also need to be able to say that what I have, you need. That's not gaiva. It's actually the opposite. It would be gaiva to think that I have nothing. Who are you to think that the Rebbeinu Sholom created something that's unnecessary? Who are you to think that it's your right to play life small? That's a fascinating thing to think about. When we actually don't show up to life, it's gaiva. Because Hakadosh Baruch Hu says, "New, it's your turn. You have a life now. It's your turn to show up on stage and say your line." Who are you to be quiet? There's an arrogance to playing life small. If you play life large, it's the most humble thing in the world. This is why Rabbi Nachman talks about himself. People get very nervous when Rabbi Nachman talks about himself because they're like, "Who talks about themselves that way?"

9:23 Moshe Rabenu said that he was Anav Mikol Adam. It wasn't gaiva for Moshe Rabenu to write those words. He wasn't bragging. He had no desire to say them. It was just the truth of reality that Hakadosh Baruch Hu said. It's important for you to write these words right now. When a tzaddik speaks about themselves, you find this in the Gemara that when certain tzaddikim spoke about themselves and they said, 'In the world, I was this. This is what I am. It wasn't gaiva.' It was a reality, and they were just saying it plainly. They said, 'What do you mean? I have these talents. It's obvious. It's like I'm not bragging about it.' It's like imagine if a seven footer in the NBA was bragging, 'Yeah, I'm seven feet tall. Did you work very hard on that? What did you do to cultivate your seven footness? And that's why tall Jews are exciting. Because we don't have any. But the idea I'm just saying it. What I have something you need. That's not gaiva. That's a reality, and you have something that I need.' And if you're living aligned with that truth, then two people who are deeply in self aligned with that nukudah hapnimius. That truth that they have.

10:26 There's influence back and forth with each other. And he says ukishahaleiv, Haynu bechinas vav. I'm not going to get into the whole kabbalistic Torah. What Rabbi Nachman writes over here, he says, but when the heart, which is that, which is that vav, and he calls it the bechinas haluchos. He talks about this is the luchos again. When he says it's meshuka ba'avareios haynu cheper ubeziones hanikra arlasalev, he says when the heart is submerged in a corrupt form of love. Then there's something called arlasalev. Then there's something covering up your heart. Again, I'm using Rabbi Nachman's words. I'm interpreting them in my own way. But I think what Rabbi Nachman means is as follows. When we're not acting in alignment with our deepest truth, when we've corrupted it, as when we're using our talents inappropriately, so what happens is that now that lave that has the ability to be mashpiat, that has the ability to be mayor to illuminate the world.

11:30 It's not going to do it anymore. It's not because fine, fine, fine. We're good. It's not. I appreciate the sensitivity. It's not because chas v'shalom. That the lave has lost its capacity to be mashpia, but that when we corrupt the talents that we have, when we don't use them appropriately, or when we use them inappropriately, that's he calls that the shivrei luchos. Now that like that unbelievable expression of truth in the world, it's covered up. There's something that's blocking it from showing up into the world. And he explains, Shalom. Are you Mrs. Meshorer? My wife is a very big fan. On the topic of attraction. Great, Andrew. So when Rabbi Nachman uses this to explain a very interesting pasuk, we know that when Shem was involved in an inappropriate relationship with Dina, so what did the Shvatim say? What was bothering the Shvatim? I would have expected the Shvatim to say, He took advantage of our sister in a completely inappropriate way, but that's not what the Shvatim say. Lo nuchal la seisachosenu le ish. We can't give over our sister to somebody who's uncircumcised.

12:47 To somebody who still has an arla. That's of all the things that bother you that Shem didn't have a bris mila. That's what bothers you. The teretz is, and I think this is what Rabbi Nachman is trying to say, and I think it's something for all of us. It's not possible to participate in a relationship when you're in a state of arla. To be in a relationship means I'm in self, you're in self. Thank you so much. I got a lot of water now. I'll drink from both just in the time. It's very good. It's much better. It's nice. It's like a Coke Zero in a cold glass bottle. It's a pella that they make it any other way. That's the way it's meant to be drunk. The idea of just moving from the sublime to the prosaic. The idea that I'm not in a relationship, not truly, unless I'm in self. Now these things are a spectrum, obviously. But the reality is that when I'm in a state of covered up It's not possible for me to be in a relationship. And that's not only because I'm not showing you to myself; it's because it's deeply unattractive.

14:05 Nobody can participate in a relationship like that. It's an interesting thing. I don't know if you've noticed this in your life. When you meet someone, The physical attraction is not always the thing that comes first. When someone shows up in life in self, They actually can physically become more attractive. As always, this you know you have this in yeshiva and shul. A guy comes in and he goes, You know, like he'll sit down in my office and like declare that he believes in platonic relationships. As if, like, as if, like, I said something that he needs to declare it to me. He has some trauma from a high school rebbe who told him there's no such thing as a platonic relationship. So he'll come in the beginning of the year, plop himself down, and go, "I believe in platonic relationships." Okay, thanks for telling me, right? And then he'll say, and I have a best friend, and nothing would ever happen with her. I'm like, okay, I'm not arguing with you. I don't know, you're telling me this, boy. He's like, I'm telling rebbe, she's like my sister, and she's not attractive. Like, nothing could ever happen. And inevitably, four or five months later, he comes into the office sheepishly, opens up the door, sits down, and goes, "Remember that girl that I told you?"

15:09 He's like, 'I don't know. I just caught feelings.' It's like they're living out this episode of Friends with Ross and Rachel. A reference you should not get. You're too young to get that reference. Kol lekavod if you don't get it. But the and what changed? What did you think was going to happen? What did you think was going to happen as somebody shows themselves to you? If they show up in self for a long enough time, and I'll say to them, "But I thought she's like your sister." And he's like, "Yeah, I know, but you know, it's not exactly so. Siblings. It's you know more like second cousins. It's just awkward." You know, like I thought you said she's unattractive. I don't know what happened. All of a sudden, she's beautiful. She didn't change. Your lens has changed. It makes sense. When somebody actually presents themselves, when they show up, and they've removed the blockages and allowed themselves to be seen, that's an attractive thing. That doesn't mean that's your spouse, but you'll notice that if you show up in life, and I don't just mean on a date. If you show up in life as yourself, people want a piece of that. You could show up on a job interview, and if you're anxious and biting your nails proverbially

16:25 And you're like, shaking in your seat. Nobody wants to hire that person. I want you to show up. I don't want you to show up arrogant, but I do want you to show up in self. I want you to show up competent. I want you to show up humble. I want you to say like, 'He named me here. I am.' And when you're not, it's impossible to participate in the relationship. And Rabbi Nachman finishes. He says, "Ulofamem mekabelanekudam echaveru." How do we receive from our friends? He says sometimes and he gives different answers of how you get it. Sometimes it's just like these regular conversations. It's not like you're not speaking like deep words of wisdom. You're not speaking Torah. Sometimes you're just schmoozing with your friend. He says, "Ki yesh lefamim sheichol lekaben lekabel arve his arus la'avaytus Hashem yisbarach me'an the kudesh alchaverah ayei de'sichas chulichim da brnilo." It's two yidden hanging out in self can awaken a person. To be themselves, The most powerful moments in your life will not always be in the beis medrash or in shul. It's sometimes sitting down and having an honest conversation

17:33 Which is what a date is supposed to be. Now I understand you can't show up on a first date like that. You got to let your crazy out a little bit at a time. But the truth is, if a date never progresses to this vulnerable space where I can actually show up and be myself, who is that other person going to be attracted to? The answer is nobody. And what happens is, and this happens very often to people that are younger. They when they speak about attraction, it's not attraction. There's a concept. There's deep attraction that's two people in self, and then there's a concept of like this. We'll call it like this chitzo need type of attraction. But I don't mean like the attraction of beauty. That's not necessarily what I mean. The attraction that comes from not being in self. It's possible for people to have lots of what appears to be attraction, but it's just trauma bonding. It's not actually attraction. It's like two people who went to therapy sit down and they're like, "Want to hear all about how my family's messed up?" You know, "What's your daddy issues?" Like the attraction comes when you're in self and you show up courageous and confident and curious.

18:42 And somebody else shows up that way. That's a beautiful thing. What's the word for attraction in Judaism? It's an interesting thing. What would you say? Chayn. Chayn. Exactly right. What's your name? Jonathan. Perfect. And that's exactly what the Gemara says. The Gemara in Sota forty-seven a says Chayn Isha Al Bayla. A woman possesses a particular type of grace in the eyes of her husband. It's not appropriate for anybody else to have that level of grace. Only he sees it, by the way. Very recently, somebody told me a story completely inappropriate. I'm not going to get into any of the details. It's an amazing story. They were in a camp. Whatever for whatever reason, this particular wife walked into the wrong bunk. There was another husband in the bunk. Exactly what state he was in doesn't matter. This wife thinks that her husband is like the most attractive person in the world. She tells everybody. This happens to be like an old high school friend of mine. She tells everybody how attractive her husband is.

19:43 Her husband is enormous. She ran out and said, 'I'm so sorry, I walked into the wrong bunk. I swear, your husband wasn't undressed.' She said, 'Now do you see what I'm talking about?' And she said, 'No, not at all. But that's appropriate. You shouldn't see it. I always think it's funny when people marry identical twins. It's like because you know, that guy must find his sister-in-law attractive, but it's not true. It's not true. I asked somebody who married identical twins. I said, 'Is it awkward for you?' And he's like, not at all. Because I know it sounds funny because it's literally the same face. She's not attractive. What is that? It's because there's a particular grace, a particular chain that somebody has that they've developed over time. There's a real connection. And I want you to know the saddest thing in the world is that people can get married and they can hide from each other in their marriages. There's a therapist in Yerushalayim whose name is David Levine. David has a very good question that he asks his clients.

20:45 If let's say they've been with him for six months or a year and a half, whatever it is, at some point he turns to them and he goes, 'So how much of you do I know?' And inevitably, they've been together for some time. Inevitably, they go like, 'I don't know, like 80 percent.' What are you hiding the other 20 percent for? You're literally paying somebody hundreds and hundreds of shekels to never say a word to anybody else. They can't. They can't. And yet, even in that space, people like, 'But I don't want you to know who I am.' Why? What are we so afraid of? We're terrified that if we show up as we are, then we'll be rejected for being that person. And it's not true. It's when we show up as who we authentically are that we have the greatest likelihood of finding chain in somebody else's eyes. And so there's a paradox here because in order for me to build connection with you, vulnerability is the birthplace of connection. Trust needs to be on the other side.

21:46 If I'm going to show myself to you, I need to trust you. But how do I trust you if I've never been vulnerable with you? You know what the answer is. You have to have enough self, enough of a sense of self, to show up and say, if I show up, and it's not for you, you're not rejecting me. It's just not the appropriate shidduch. And there's nothing wrong with someone saying that, and we take it so personal. If I show up and show you who I actually am, then, but what if you say no? What if they say no? The story we tell ourselves behind a no is that we are not enough, and that's not true. If you showed up as you are, and somebody else said that's not for me, they're saying something about themselves. They're not saying something about you. They're not saying that you are unworthy of love and connection for being the unique soul that you are. And that's why there are some people that are attracted to certain types of Torah, and some people that are attracted to different types of Torah. What's sad, and I think we live in a culture like this, is imagine somebody's a big bal halacha.

22:49 Another person's like a big baki and shas. Another person's like big into iyun. And another person's into chassidus. And then, like the person who's into chassidus, goes, "I'm into chassidus." And somebody goes, "you're pathetic." Why? Imagine if you went to the guy who's learning gemara and said, "you're pathetic. How come you don't learn chassidus?" It's like the stupidest thing in the world. The unique soul that you have is attracted to our particular type of taira. You're not saying one chelak of taira is better than any other chelak in taira. You're saying this is what I'm. Imagine if somebody said, "I'm an accountant," and they go, "Really? How come you're not an engineer?" Because I'm not. Because I don't like engineering. I'm trying to do what's uniquely me in the world. If you show up in reality and you're like, 'This is me,' and somebody else goes, 'That's awesome,' now you have a date. That's geshmack. But if you show up and you go, 'Let me pretend to be somebody that I'm not in order to create attraction,' either let's think about what the possibilities are. Either it'll work, which is devastating, because what happens at some point when you take off the mask.

23:50 Or it won't work. Because who in the world could be a trap? If somebody was in self and somebody else shows up on the date pretending to be somebody else, they're going to spot it a million miles away. If you're in self, if you show up aligned with your deepest truth and somebody else shows up on a date and they're putting on an act, don't you smell it? When do you not smell it? When you yourself are not in self. But if you're in self and then you meet someone who's in self and it's not for you, then you just go. This person was really awesome. It was so good to meet them. Wasn't for me, but I can't wait to set them up with somebody else that I know because I saw a real person. It's almost like it's because we all know it's hard to go out on that first date again. Like how many times can I do this again? And just saying this to the guys in the room, I love you all. You got it easy. It's not hard for you to show up for a date. These girls, Rachmanes, they spend. They have like it's so hard. It's annoying. I have to and it's because it's hours. It's at least three.

24:52 At least three. I want you to know the guy maybe took a shower. And not only that, there's the post game. The post game is when a guy's friend asks how it went and he says good. That's the whole post game, or the opposite. But for a girl, it's like I don't know when he said what he meant. He meant nothing. He meant he was just saying words. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. And by the way, that's why I teach the guys in yeshiva to mess with the girls. I don't like this move. When girls go like that, I don't like this. When girls go, where are we holding? Don't do that. That's not nice. If you want to ask that question, be courageous enough to say, 'I like you. I'm excited about where this is going. What do you think?' But if you put that out and it's like, 'I'm going to have the vulnerability to ask the question, but not put myself out there,' that's not right. Be courageous. So if you do that I tell the voice, You respond by saying, 'I'm in like with you,' Because you have no idea what that means. And it's going to be five hours that night, Going like, 'What does that mean? I don't know if we're holding in the same place.'

26:11 " All of this, just before we get to the Q and A, All of this is to say a very simple thing. Elul is about creating an authentic connection with Hashem. That requires a circumcision. Umal Hashem eslavavcha. What does our Kaddish Baruch Hu say? I want to get close to you. Could we please take off the arla? I'm not interested in the covering. I'm not interested in the trappings. I'm interested in you. That's what I'm interested in. I'm interested in you. I don't need you to be somebody that you're not. I know who you are. So when you show up to Avodas Hashem and you say, "I'm going to be so from," or stop it. Just be who you are. The Rebbeinu Shalom knows exactly who you are. So what's the point of pretending to be something that you're not? We developed all of these defense mechanisms in life to protect ourselves. You can't create a relationship that way. So Hashem says, In Elul, Umal Hashem eslavavka. Hamelach vasada. I'm coming out to the field. You can be who you are. I don't need you to be anybody else. This is not the time where you come dressed up to the palace and present yourself. I'm coming out into your life. I'm coming out into your field as you are. And then what happens?

27:19 The eslavav. When Hakadosh Baruch Hu says, "Let's remove the circumcision," Then there's a reciprocal response. It's not zarecha. It's not zariyacha. It's not. This is not unique to your children. Although naturally, by the way, if you do this, if you show up in self, that's the best way to parent. Really, all these parenting courses of like parenting stress. What happens if you do like? And it becomes like robotic, right? If my child does this, then I do this. If my child does this, then I do this. That's nonsense. It's if I'm in self. I'll have the intuition to know what to do, and more importantly, my child will have someone who's in self that they feel safe with. Which is really where parenting comes from. Actually, when you become parents, you'll see that nothing will trigger you like your children, especially if you have a 16-year-old daughter. Because that's like the worst. It's like, and Baruch Hashem, I'm zocher six daughters. The whole time I should have built the entire house out of bathrooms.

28:21 You sleep in your bathroom. So there'll be no fights. I didn't realize how much hot water we would need for Arab shops. But other than that. It's for sure. Ummal Hashem is levavcha, Be in self, and then you'll impact your children. The reason the Balaturim said it's es levavcha, Es levav, is it's not unique to your children. It's everybody. If you want Hakadosh Baruch Hu to respond to you in Elo, and you want Hashem to say, Okay, let's do this year. Hashem is asking us to be authentic. You want to awaken my heart, awaken yours. And of course, it's true in relationships also. If you want to show up on a date in life, anything, and you want to awaken somebody else's heart, be you. Take off the armor, those protections that you developed. They're important in your life. We're not trying to kill them, but we should ask ourselves: Are they still working for us the way they did once upon a time? Because when I was a child, I needed that protection, but I'm not a kid anymore. Do I still need that protection, or is it time? Maybe to take off that foreskin, so to speak, to have that circumcision, so that, Bezez Hashem, I can awaken something in the heart of another.