Nitzavim - Make Good Choices

2:10 Saying, "Don't do that." So here, Hakadosh Baruch Hu says, 'Very interesting.' God says, 'I set before you today life and death, blessings and curses. Choose life.' Does that really mean choose? Is that what Hashem is saying? If we're sitting here between life and death, and God says choose life. Does God really mean choose? It doesn't sound like a choice. Girls, do you hear what I'm saying? I feel like you're not getting what I'm saying. It doesn't sound like a choice. It sounds like you should obviously do the right thing and not the wrong thing. But here God uses the language. The Torah uses the language. Ubacharta b'chayim. You should choose life. Why does it say you should choose life? And then there's another question, and this is the question I really want to discuss tonight. Would anyone choose death? I don't mean like suicide. In our lives, if we have something in front of us, that's a bracha and a klala.

3:05 That's something life or death. Would we choose death? We shouldn't. Everyone here knows we shouldn't. How many people in this room? The answer is everybody. So you don't have to raise your hand. I'll raise my hand for everybody. How many people in our lives have chosen cursing curses over blessings? How many people in this room have chosen death over life? I'll give you an example of what this looks like. You have a person who knows the right thing to do; they know the healthy thing to do. And yet they do the opposite. You have a guy in yeshiva. I am thinking of a certain guy I was having this conversation with, and he goes, "Rebbe" I know I really have to start dieting. I feel like I am getting sluggish. I am not eating well. The food in Mevaseret is delicious; it's really, really good. And on Thursday last week, they served cake for breakfast.

3:56 Cake for breakfast is a wonderful thing, right? So I see this guy, and he's waiting online for cake for breakfast. I notice that I didn't want to say anything. I know he's trying to work on his eating, and I see him in line waiting for cake for breakfast. And of course, you could take one slice, you could take two slices. You could take a certain amount of cake. I see that this guy walks away with a plate of cake. I'm not sitting in judgment. I've also walked away with a plate of cake. Nine by thirteen is a serving size to me. You ever try to even out a cake? You ever do that? I've seen how your half of the species eats brownies Very little bit at a time, but you eat just as much as we do. It's like I just want to get that end. The difference between guys and girls is we'll finish a nine by thirteen in five minutes. You'll finish the same nine by thirteen in an hour.

4:42 And you act as if nobody's looking. I watched. I watch when girls come over to my wife for Shabbos. I watched what they do. They go like this. They're sneaking it. Who are you sneaking it from? It's okay. Just own it. So this guy has a plate of cake. I'm not sitting in judgment. But I put my hand on his shoulder. I was like, it's hard, no? And he goes, it's so hard. And then he sat down and pounded a plate of cake. I've done that. I'm not sitting in judgment. What's the shot? Here's a guy who knows the right thing to do. What did he choose? He chose the thing that goes against what he wants. We're not talking about a frumkai thing. We're not talking about something like, I know I should wake up for davening, but the floor is so cold, my bed is so soft, my blanket is so warm, the pillow is so perfectly folded to my head. And we're not talking. I'm talking about a guy who says, I want to get in shape, and I'm eating a plate of cake. How many of us have done something like that before? How many times did you say, I really have to study for this test, and you tell all your friends, I'm not going out with you tonight.

5:51 I really have to study. You close the door to your room and then you go Ten minutes. I'm going to start studying in ten minutes. I just need to speak to one person first. How many people here have gone on YouTube and said, 'Okay, just one YouTube short, and then I'm going to start studying,' but that one short becomes fifty, that fifty becomes three hundred, and now it's three hours later, and you haven't studied, and you go, 'Okay, forget it.' Now the test comes. It's ten o'clock the next morning, and you're going. I really shouldn't have chosen that. That was a bad choice. Can you relate to this? The Torah is telling us: you have in front of you life and death. Don't choose death. Do we need to be told? Don't choose death. What's the answer? Obviously Yes. For some reason, the way that our mind works is that we will literally, given the option, given the opportunity, every person in this room at some point or another has chosen death. That's a very strange thing.

6:46 Why do we choose death? So I want to share with you an idea from the world of addiction, but I think it's an idea that applies to every one of us. And I want to be perfectly honest with you. I believe with complete faith that every single girl sitting in this room is sitting here right now with some sort of vision. It doesn't need to be a hundred percent exactly, but everybody in this room came to Sharfman's thinking to themselves on some level. This is what I want to have gained by the end of the year. For some people, it was I want to connect to davening. For some people, it's I want to be more passionate about my Judaism. I'm sure there are people in the room that have said the following. I know that I probably should have done more in high school. I didn't. This is going to be the year where I'm really going to turn it around. How many people had expectations going into this year of it being something amazing? I'm sure the answer is everybody. You wouldn't be here otherwise. You came here to do something.

7:52 And yet you're going to learn something very hard this year. It's not easy to make a change. How many times did we commit ourselves to doing something, and then it lasts a day, a week, maximum two weeks, and then we fall apart? Why is that? The answer is this. It's a very powerful answer. Let's talk about an addict. I'm going to paint for you a terrible picture. There's a there's a guy And he has a family. He has a wife. He has three kids. He has a house. He has a job. He's part of a community. Everything is going well, but he has a lot of stuff in his life. He has a lot of stress in his life. There's a lot going on in his life. And he's at a kiddish. He's at a kiddish on Shabbos morning, and somebody hands him a drink, and he makes a lachaim, and for a moment he realizes, ooh, that really took the edge off. It's just one lachaim. It's not a big deal, but it really took the edge off.

8:56 The next week by kiddish. He finds himself instead of like somebody handing him lechem, he finds himself going to the table with all the alcohol and making lechem. The week after that, he finds himself leaving shul early to go make the lechem. A little bit later, he starts drinking during the week. A little bit later than that, he starts drinking in the morning to be able to take the edge off before he goes to work. Now all of a sudden, his life is starting to get interrupted by alcohol. His kids are becoming a little bit sensitive to it. It's a terrible thing. A father comes home and a daughter is there, and her father reeks of alcohol. It doesn't feel very safe. I have a friend who, unfortunately, dabbles too much with alcohol. He's a wonderful guy, but a little bit too much with the drinking. His daughter said about the shul that he davens in, "I hate that shul."

9:47 So my daughter said to his daughter, "Why do you hate that shul?" She said, "Because when my abba goes to that shul, he comes home and he doesn't smell good afterwards, and he's just a little bit too much. He's a little bit not enough inhibition. It's just uncomfortable for her." So what happens? His kids start to pull back. Can a wife respect a husband who's drinking that much? His wife starts to pull back a little bit now. He starts coming to his job late every day because he's drinking the night before. Because he's drinking in the morning, when he shows up in the morning, instead of showing up to work at nine thirty, now he's showing up to work at eleven thirty, and he smells of alcohol.

10:22 And so, what does his wife do? She doesn't want to lose the house; they have a mortgage. What does she do? She starts calling and making excuses and saying, "Oh, my husband was sick. He had a late night. He told me to call. He's working from home, right?" But eventually, his boss gets fed up. His boss is not stupid. His boss knows things going on. So what does his boss do? He calls him in and he goes, "Look, if this doesn't stop, I'm going to fire you." What does this guy do? Because he's in his state of addiction now. He goes, "Oh, this is a ridiculous company. Nobody understands how hard I work. There's no appreciation for everything that I've done." He starts blaming everybody else. A couple more weeks go by. He gets called in, and the boss tells him, "I'm sorry, you're fired." Says I'm fired. He goes. You're fired. You don't come to work. He begs his boss for another chance. His boss gives him another chance, but he still doesn't change. And now he gets fired. A couple weeks after that, he's getting notices from the bank.

11:12 He's getting notices from the bank. You have to pay your mortgage. He doesn't have what to pay his mortgage with. He comes home one day and his wife and his kids aren't there. His wife and his kids have left. His wife is sick of this. He's not a healthy person. She can't be around him anymore. He can't be enabled like this anymore. She moves in with her mother. She files for divorce. She says, "I want nothing to do with this guy." She sues for custody of the kids. And let's say she gets custody of the kids. Now there's a guy, and he's alone in his house. Eventually, the bank forecloses on his house. He has nowhere to go. Whatever little money he has left, he puts into an apartment. But eventually, he can't pay the rent for that either. So he's tossed out onto the street. It's a very sad story. It gets worse. The guy's on the street. He has nowhere to go. He bunks with a friend. He's here. He's there. But finally, he runs out of places to go. Now he's living under a bridge, and whatever money he has, what does he do with that money?

12:07 He spends it on alcohol, and what does he do to get that money? Despicable things. Things that he never in a million years would have done. He's willing to steal from people. He's willing to do criminal activities. He's willing to do whatever it takes in order to get that hit because he needs that alcohol. Here is a guy who lost his house, lost his job, lost his standing in the community, lost his wife, lost his kids, is living under a bridge, lost his values. And what does he keep doing? He keeps drinking. Somebody says to him as a friend, they call him in and they go, "Stop it!" You're destroying your life. Stop it! What does the guy say? I really want to. That night. He does it again. What's the pshat? Listen to what they say. Listen to what the mevvinim, those that understand addiction, say.

12:54 Because it applies to every one of us. The alcoholic doesn't have a problem. The alcoholic has a solution. I'll say it again. I want to make sure everyone gets this. The alcoholic doesn't have a problem. The alcoholic has a solution. If you have a problem, you stop. But if you have a solution, you can't stop. So let's look at this again. The alcoholic a moment ago—it sounded crazy what he did, but let's look at it again. Here's a guy; he has a certain amount of stress in his life. It's not working for him. He takes that first drink of alcohol, and what does he feel for the first time? Maybe in a very long time, what does he feel? A sense of relief. What was the alcohol for him? The alcohol is an escape. It's a solution to his pain. Girls, the amount of pain that this alcoholic is in. It's massive.

13:46 So when you look at him from the outside, you say this guy's crazy. He lost everything. Listen, what he is—he's a guy who's in so much pain And he needs that solution so badly that he's willing to lose everything just not to lose the solution. Is it a good solution? It's a terrible solution because he lost everything. But is it a solution? Absolutely. And we can't change as long as we have a solution. I want you to think this year about the things that you want to change. Think about the choices that you want to make. I want you to think about not what you want to do, but how you got here to begin with. What were the holes that you were covering up? So I'll give you a very real example. I'll be very real with you. Let's say you have a guy. I'm choosing a guy and not a girl on purpose. This way, it's a little bit distant from you. You could think to yourself, "What I mean."

14:43 Let's say you have a guy. He's in ninth grade in high school. What's he going through in ninth grade? In ninth grade, he's coming from elementary school. A year before, he was a big eighth grader, king of the school. You remember when you were an eighth grader and you thought you were the kings of the school? You weren't the queens of the school. You weren't, but you thought you were. Eight years you were in that school and you felt very comfortable. You had your friend group. You knew your place. You knew the halls. You were there your entire lives. It was you knew it like the back of your hand. It's very comfortable. Now you go to a new school in ninth grade. What's a ninth grade? I'll take. We'll do it with girls. What's a ninth grade girl thinking of? What was that? She's nervous. What's she nervous about? The number one thing that a ninth grade girl is nervous about is who her friend group is. I was friends with those girls in eighth grade, but I think maybe now I want to try a different friend group.

15:32 But I don't want to leave those girls behind. You remember that whole conversation you had? And then one girl does leave and go to another friend group, and now you with your friend group are sitting there going, "Oh, she thinks she's better than us because now she's with the cool group, but she's not really cool, but she's pretending to be cool." You know that conversation. By the way, some of you just did this, just in case you are wondering. For those of you who did that, thank you for coming with me on this journey. All of ninth grade is about what? Do I have friends? Adjusting to a new school, adjusting to new teachers, adjusting to new responsibility. Do you remember what you went through in tenth grade? In tenth grade, right before you start a tenth grade, it sounded like this. I know I have four teenage daughters. One I have three teenage daughters now because one of my daughters just turned twenty. But I have I had four teenage daughters, and tenth grade the summer of tenth grade sounds like this. I think I made good friends in ninth grade. I think we have a good chaver now.

16:22 But I just wonder if we're going to stay together for tenth grade. I wonder if it's going to be like changing again, or if it's actually solidified. Do I need to pay as much attention to who I'm sitting with, or can I actually be more broad now? It's all this anxiety over tenth grade. Until you feel comfortable, it's probably eleventh and twelfth grade in high school. So you're sitting here and you're saying to yourself, "I want to change" But before you decide you want to change, the first thing you need to do is ask yourself. What held me back from being the person that I wanted to be until now? So let's say I'm going to tell you a story. It's a true story. It doesn't matter who the story is about, but I'm going to tell you a true story. Let's say you had a kid who, coming out of eighth grade, was a really frum boy, and he learned night seder, and he was with good boys, and he really cared about his yiddishkeit. And now he comes to a school, and let's say in high school You can't be in this kid's case. I'm thinking of a specific kid. You can't be cool and frum at the same time.

17:18 All the cool kids aren't frum But this kid really wants to be frum. He also really wants to be accepted and really wants to be cool. So he's stuck, and he doesn't know what to do. And he's changing religiously, but he's also trying to hold on. And he's in this very dark period. And then he gets invited out to pizza by the coolest kid in school. This is a true story. The coolest kid in school invites him out to pizza, and he goes with this kid to pizza, and he's so excited. Oh my God, that's awesome! The guy is a tenth grader. He's only a ninth grader. It's going to be amazing. They go out to pizza, and what do Jews order when they go for pizza? Jews order pizza and French fries. If you're Jewish, if you're not getting sushi at a pizza store, you get pizza and French fries. You know how they give you that little boat?

18:03 They give you that boat where they put the French fries in, and they scoop it with the giant scooper. You'll notice that there's two ways of getting French fries in boats, and it depends how they do it. Either they just take a huge stack and pour them on, in which case the French fries go all over the tray and you get a lot of French fries, or they just stick a couple of French fries that will fit in the boat. But the problem is the boat is too small, the French fries are too large, so you could end up with like five or six French fries when you paid for an order of French fries. So the ninth grader got a huge pile of French fries pouring. He's got like a mound of French fries, and the tenth grader, this really cool kid He got like five French fries. And he looks at the ninth grader and he says to him They really jewed me out of these French fries.

18:49 And the ninth grader was shocked, because in his life he had never heard the word 'Jew' used that way. He had never heard the word 'Jew' used in a derogatory term, and it hit the kid right in his core. He was so thrown by it because he had never before seen it like oh my God okay it's one thing you can't be cool and frum but it's another thing to be cool meant you had to say. I got Jude out of these French fries. So the ninth grader goes home to his parents and he says, "Please, can I switch high schools? I don't want to be in this high school." And the parents say, 'No, this is the high school you're in. You have to adjust. This is our hashkafa. These are the right teachers. This is what we believe in.' But the kid comes out of that conversation and he says, 'Fine. If my parents are going to make me stay in the school, it's more important to me to be cool than it is to be frum, and that's what I'm going to do. So he stops learning.'

19:37 This is a kid who was learning nights later. This is a kid who was in a really good elementary school, who was learning a lot. The year before, he had finished sixteen blot. He really knew his stuff, and now all of a sudden he comes to school, and the rebbe is sitting there, and the kid is spaced out. And the rebbe says to him, "Nu, come on, let's go." And he looks at the rebbe, and he goes, "Not interested." The rebbe pulls him over. This is the next day. The rebbe pulls him over to the side. He said, "What's going on?" He said, "I'm done. I'm not fighting this anymore. In this school, I see that you could be cool or frum. I choose to be cool and not to be frum." And he becomes a big clown. Every day, the rebbe moves him to the front. The rebbe is really trying to save him. So the rebbe sits here. He sits right here. Every day, the kid takes as many svarim as possible, and he piles them up so that the rebbe can't see him. He builds like a fort full of svarim, and even though he's right next to the rebbe can't see him.

20:30 By tenth grade, the kid is already like, "Who cares about anything?" By eleventh grade, he's basically sleeping through shir. Twelfth grade, they made a special shir for the kids who could care less, and this kid, a kid who only four years earlier was really shtaging, going to nights later, is now in the shir of kids that could care less. So when that kid comes to Israel And he says, "this is my year. I'm going to change. Now I'm going to do it." You know what happens? It's not so easy. You know why? Because for four years he hasn't been so frum, he hasn't been learning, but he says to himself, "I don't understand why isn't this easy? I've been waiting to come to Israel. Israel was going to be my big excuse. And he sits down with a rebbe. And sits down with a rebbe in the corner of the beis medrash.

21:16 And the rebbe starts listening to his story And the rebbe says to him, "You know why you're having a hard time changing?" Because you haven't dealt with the core issue. So the kid said. What's the core issue? He said the core issue is you didn't have enough self-esteem coming out of eighth grade to say I'm gonna be me. And that's it. People who accept me and will be my friend, those are my friends. And people who think they're too cool for me, I don't want to be friends with those guys anyway. So I'm gonna tell you the truth. This was my story. This was my story. Coming out of eighth grade, I was a frum kid, and in ninth grade, I realized I couldn't be cool and frum. I didn't have enough self-esteem to be able to say, okay, so I'm going to be frum. I chose to try to be cool. I chose to try to be with that chavra, and I gave up my values. And I learned something. You know what happens, girls, if you're a chameleon. You know what will happen if you give up your values to fit in with the group? I'm going to tell you a secret. It will work.

22:15 It'll work. You could be cool if you do that. If you're just like everybody else, if you figure out exactly the right thing to say, and you're part of the basketball team, and you're part of the chaver that hangs out together on Shabbos. You could get the friends that you want. It will work. But somewhere along the way you lose yourself. You figured out your solution, but it's a bad solution because somewhere along the way you lost yourself. So when I was saying, now I'm going to sit in the beis medrash, Rebbe, how come I don't have the zitzfleish? How come I can't just sit in the beis medrash? This Rebbe said to me, it's not because of your ADHD. It's because for so long you saw yourself as somebody that said, "I'm not from. I'm cool" And the Rebbe said to me, and it was a very difficult thing for me. He said to me, "What would it take for you to actually go back and solve the problem differently?"

23:04 And it was a very difficult process that this Rebbe and I went through. It wasn't a week, and it wasn't two weeks. It was months. And I finally had to say, and it was a very difficult thing. I'm being very real and very honest with you. I finally had to say to myself The only way that I'm going to have authentic self-esteem is if I'm the person that I really deeply want to be. And it was a game changer. After that, there was real change. After that, here's what I got. This is the gift I want to give you tonight. After that, I got the gift of choice. Because for so long I couldn't make the choice. Berg, show up to dominating in the morning. Berg, show up to learning in the morning. I couldn't do it. I was failing left and right. I was lacking choice. Why was I lacking choice? Because my solution was so powerful, it wouldn't let me make the choices that I wanted to make. Girls, you're sitting here this year.

23:51 Some of you are saying to yourself, even now as I'm speaking. I guarantee some of you inside of your heads are saying this. I've chosen death for a long time. How many of us? I'm just making things up. How many of us stop davening? How many of us stop davening to the degree that we even forgot how to daven? And it's hard for us even to imagine climbing back our way into davening. How am I going to do that? I haven't been davening for so long. How am I going to do that? The Rebbe says just start davening. It's not so easy to just start davening. How many people here didn't take? How many people here didn't learn as much as they wished they would have in high school? How many people? I wish I would have done more, but I didn't. I didn't take advantage of the opportunities. So you say now I come to shavans, I'm going to take advantage of the opportunities. It's not so simple to just take advantage of the opportunities.

24:39 Girls, you've been here for a week now. Has it been an adjustment? It's been. I saw a little bit on Rabbi Green's status that you girls went on a tewel. I saw something about tasting olives. I don't really understand the nature of these two limbs, but they look awesome on Rabbi Greenstadt. As I'm not an olives guy. Girls. How many people here have hang? If we're honest, can we be honest in this room? This is a room where girls are honest with each other. Are we there yet, or aren't we up to the vulnerability yet? I'll start. How many people here are having a hard time adjusting? Nice. How many people here are like, "Whoa, this is a lot." It's a lot more learning. How many people here are thinking to themselves? I don't know if I fit. You're allowed to say it. When I came to Mivazart, I didn't know if I fit right away.

25:25 Less honest people in the room. But by the way, I know you're less honest because instead of raising your hand, you all went. For the first two, you all went like this. For the third one, you went like this. It's okay. We don't have to be fully honest. We'll be honest soon. In three months from now, you'll admit that when I said that thing, you wanted to raise your hand, but you didn't want to say it. Two of you raised your hand and then quickly put it down before anybody saw. To the two of you that raised your hand, I want you to know you're very courageous. Thank you very much for semi raising your hand. It's a tremendous thing that you did. It's a hard thing to adjust. And you're wondering to yourself, is this actually going to be the year where you're able to make the choices you want? Ubacharta b'chayim, Hashem needs to tell us you can choose. Somebody I was talking to earlier in the week.

26:10 I want to share with you this person that I was speaking with. I want you to know one of the most incredible people I've ever met. I learned so much from this person, but they're in Gehenna right now. They're in such a bad place, and they feel like there's nothing they could do to get out of Gehenna. So I said to them, "I want to share with you something that I learned from Rabbi Nachman of Breslov. Girls, I want to teach this to you. It's an amazing teaching. Take it with you. Put it in your pocket. Hold on to it. One day, this teaching could save your life. I know it saved mine, so I'm sharing it with you." Rabbi Nachman says a person can never lose choice. You think that's a simple thing, girls? A person can never lose choice. This guy who's living under the bridge Who lost his wife, he lost his kids, he lost his community, he lost his job, he lost his house. He's an alcoholic. Rabbi Nachman says to him You could change, you could choose, but what do you need to do in order to make the choice? You need to identify this is death.

27:08 And this is life. This is death. This choice. Let's say a person says, 'I'm not davening' Girls. A life without tefillah is a life of death. A person who is not connected to our Kadosh Baruch Hu, who is not talking to the Eved Sheter, it's a life of death. You girls, get what I'm saying? I'm sorry. Is there any water in here? You didn't drink from it. Can I borrow? Thank you. I borrow. Can I steal it? Thank you. A person who says, 'I'm going to live a life without Torah,' a person says, 'I'm going to live a life without Shabbos.' It's not obvious that those things are death, right? How many kids have picked up a phone on Shabbos? You don't have to raise your hand if you've ever done it. How many kids have picked up a phone on Shabbos? Remember the first time that a girl picks up their phone on Shabbos and they didn't realize—they didn't realize what they were doing. How many people have said to me over the years, 'Rebbe, I never—I wish I never would have picked up that phone on Shabbos for the first time. I didn't realize what it was going to lead to. I thought I was just on my phone on Shabbos. I didn't think it was going to take me down that road.' It's a road of disconnection.

28:14 It's a road of death. A person first has to recognize this road that I've been walking down. I walked down that road because I thought it was the solution. That road was the solution. It was a bad solution. It took us to places we didn't want to go. Uba charta b'chayim, Hakadosh Baruch Hu, Moshe Rabbeinu is coming and he's saying on his last days Girls Don't choose that. Recognize where it's coming from. Recognize why you did it to begin with. And then make another choice. You never lose choice. This parsha is always read before Rosh Hashanah. You know that this parsha is always read before Rosh Hashanah. Why? Because Rosh Hashanah is about choice. We're going to have coming up. You're going to hear a ton of shmooz in Rosh Hashanah. Asarce made tshuva, Yom Kippur, and Sukkot. I want to share with you what the talich is here. What's the path?

29:05 Because Rosh Hashanah doesn't seem to have anything to do with tshuva. We don't have Yom Kippur. We don't have vidui and everything on Rosh Hashanah. You know why? Because before you have tshuva, before you can make a change, you have Rosh Hashanah. You know what Rosh Hashanah is? Rosh Hashanah is making a choice. Rosh Hashanah is making the choice that Hashem is my King. It's not just a song by Waterbury. It's not just "Tahdi My King." It's an actual thing. What would it look like in your life right now if you said, "I choose God"? That's not a simple thing to say, right? What's stopping you? If you said right now, everyone in the room, just take a second and think to yourself. If I said, 'Choose God,' what's the first thing you think of? The first thing you think of is, 'If I choose God, what do I lose?'

29:46 No? What's the thing you don't want to give up? That thing that you don't want to give up, you don't want to give it up because it's a solution for you. If I become from, what's going to happen to my relationship with my friends? What's going to happen to my relationship with my community? My relationship to my parents? What's it going to mean on a Thursday night when everybody's going out? Of course, nobody's going out, but maybe to a forest, but not to a forest. But I'm saying, but not to, but yes, to. But there's a place that you go that there's spices during the day and at night. It's a different type of shuk. Everybody has their place that they go, their way that they find silly things in this world. So a person says, I don't want to give that up because I'm going to be lonely on a Thursday night. That's a solution, but it's a bad solution. It's a solution of death. I apologize.

30:46 I want to share with you one last story, and we'll finish with this. There's something called the death of hope. Do you girls know what the death of hope means? The death of hope. Hope is the most powerful emotion in the world. Because hope means it's going to change, it's going to get better. And there comes a time when somebody's hope dies. It's like imagine Chassvah Shalom. You're davening for a loved one, and you're hoping that they're going to get better, and then you get the news it's not going to happen the way you want it to happen. You know that feeling where hope dies. Is there a worse feeling in the world than that? There's no worse feeling in the world than hope dying. I want to share with you the story of a young man who lost hope. He was a kid who was a couple years younger than me.

31:48 And unfortunately, when he was young, he was in a tremendous amount of pain, and he really went in a very bad way and got mixed up with some very bad friends. I don't want to say too many details, but he did some things that were pretty bad. And he really struggled; he really struggled. And as I was three years older than him, but he was very, very close friends with my brother. He was a kid who grew up in my house, and I watched this kid make one bad choice after another. And it was in an era. It was in the '90s, way before we were talking about kids at risk. This kid was like the first kid at risk. And we saw him just making these choices. It was very hard to watch. Without getting into any of the details It seemed for a while that he was going to come out of it and that he was going to do good things in his life.

32:44 And he got married. But unfortunately His demons were very strong. And he went back to his old ways because the solutions were big solutions but it was a path. He was a good kid. He didn't deserve any of this. It was a path that took him, quite literally, to his death. Girls, I hope that nobody in this room has ever had to bury a friend. I did. My brother did. We buried a friend. His parents were my parents' friends. It was my little brother's friend. It was my friend. He was a nice kid. But he made bad choices. He made bad choices. And we see, we watch people in this world, and it's so painful to watch. We watch people in this world make choices that are killing them. We see it. We see it every day. And for some people, those choices are like here, and they're serious choices. Other people, it's like here. You see these people making choices in their marriage with their kids, and they're devastating choices.

34:02 This year is a crossroads year. This year, you're standing at a crossroads. You can choose life, or you can choose death. And every Rebbe and every teacher is going to get up here and tell you this life and this death. Your job this year is not to listen to us. Your job this year is not to say, Berg said this life, so now I have to do this. Berg said this death, so I have to do this. That's not your job. Your job is to do something much harder than that. Your job is to say, Berg says this is life. And I'm feeling disconnected from that. Why? Berg says this is death, but I feel like I'm connecting to that. Why? Ask yourself the hard question. Those who ask themselves the question, and girls, how many years of Sharfmans? How many years have Sharfmans been here already? Forty years? Fifty years? What do they say?

34:56 Decades, How many girls have sat in this room before you? I've been a part of this seminary for a very long time, and girls, I watch every year. At the end of the year, some girls end up over here, and some girls end up over here, and the difference is the choices that you'll make. And you think it's not a big deal? It's just a choice to go out. It's just a choice to do this. Just choice. It's just one choice. It's just one choice. You end up at the end of the road by making one choice after another. You think this choice isn't a big deal? It's the first step. Imagine a person gets in a car and they're driving somewhere, and they go, 'I don't know how I ended up here.' What do you mean? How do you? You don't. How do you mean? You didn't know how you ended up there? You made a right turn over here. You made a left turn over there. You drove for three miles. You got here for a reason, girls. If you want to go in a different direction this year, it begins and ends with choice, and this is a serious thing.

35:47 Chaval, not to open your hearts to listen to this Because there's a tremendous opportunity this year to make a decision now that I'm going to be mamlechah kadosh baruch hu this Rosh Hashanah. I'm deciding this year it's going to be a different year. This year it's going to be a year where I give myself over to Hashem, and there might be sacrifices and there might be things that are uncomfortable, but I'm here to give myself over to Hashem. It sounds intense. It sounds intense. Maybe some of you are even scared. What I'm saying Don't be scared of this. This is a choice to return to the truest version of yourself. Whatever that is. Without any judgment, just allowing yourself to be on the path. Does that make sense? Girls? Have a wonderful Shabbat.