Elul - Wearing The Crown Of Imperfection

2:38 Why is this world created with the letter hey? The Gemara says they said doyma lachsadra shekalaroitz elatzes yetsay. Our world was created with the letter hey because the letter hey looks like a porch and there's no bottom on the letter hey. The Gemara says this means that just like this porch has no bottom, the letter hey has no bottom. It means anyone who wants to leave this world, i.e., anyone who wants to do the wrong thing at any time is capable of doing the wrong thing. You could simply fall out of the bottom. Umytayma tal yakare. But then the Gemara says, If that's the case, then why was it written like a letter hey, where you have like a dalid and then a vov, but there's an opening at the top of the letter hey? It's not written like a letter ches. And the Gemara says the Ihader B'tshuva, because if a person wants to do tshuva, Ma'ayli Le, then Hakadosh Baruch Hu helps them.

3:44 He elevates them through the opening at the top of the hay. So far, the Gemara has told us one very simple principle: in our world, to fall out of the bottom, to make a mistake. To do the wrong thing, it's open and available. Anybody who wants to do an avera can do an avera. If you want to come back, the Gemara says, 'Akhadus Baruch Hu.' He elevates you, and he elevates you through the top of the hay, through that small opening between the top of the hay and the left leg of the letter hay. And the Gemara asks a very obvious question: If Akhadus Baruch Hu wanted to elevate us, if he wants to bring us back, why does he need to make a special opening at the top of the letter? How could we come back if we fall out the bottom? What's the obvious answer? How could we come back? Come back through the bottom. If we fell out through the bottom, then we could be elevated and brought back through the bottom. But the Gemara says no, that doesn't work. And the Gemara says, La'ayel b'ha'ch.

4:51 So why doesn't the b'altuve just come through the bottom? And the Gemara says, Lo mistaya milsa, it doesn't work that way. It doesn't come through the bottom. Why not? Gemara says kideresh lakis, Damreish lakis, mydech sibem laleitzim uyalitz u'anavam iteinchein. What does it mean that for the scoffers Hakadosh Baruch Hu scoffs, but for the humble Hakadosh Baruch Hu finds for them grace? The famous words of the Gemara: If somebody comes to be purified, Mesayen oso, then we help him. Bal le'tamein, if chas v'shalom, someone comes and they want to become impure post shemlo, then Hakadosh Baruch Hu allows, He opens up the world for such a possibility. U'may tamei es le'taga, the Gemara says, why does the hay have a crown on top of it? And the Gemara says, "Amr Hakadosh Baruch Hu." Hakadosh Baruch Hu says, 'Im Chayzer, if a person does tshuva, Ani kaiser lo keshet, I will tie to him a crown.' So we have in front of us one of the most gorgeous, beautiful, stunning Gemaras. Every word of Chazal is packed with infinite brilliance, and it's worthwhile for us to go slow.

6:16 The world was created with the letter Hey. The letter Hey gives us a lesson for people who want to do tshuva. It's possible that a person in this world can do the wrong thing. If you want to leave, you can. But if you come back, Hakadosh Baruch Hu leaves an opening on top and He elevates you. You don't come back through the bottom. If you want purity, Hakadosh Baruch Hu helps you. He elevates you to the top. And what happens if you do tshuva? The Gemara says. You become like the letter Hey. And Hakadosh Baruch Hu attaches a crown to you. There is an obvious question on this Gemara. I have no doubt that if I started calling every girl here, every single girl would come up with this question. Hakadosh Baruch Hu created the world with a Hey for people who are going to do averas to be able to do tshuva. It's a very strange idea. I could understand if you said, "I'm creating a world. I'm creating an unbelievable world." And if Chas v'Shalom somebody makes a mistake and does the wrong thing, fine. I'll create something called Tshuva. Comes along, Hakadosh Baruch Hu, and he says, "No, it's not like that at all. I created the world with the design of Tshuva as part of the fabric of creation."

7:37 That's very strange. Nobody would ever start a company like that. Nobody would ever start a company and say, 'Let's create a company where failure is built into the company. And if you make a mistake, we'll try to help you out. Because if every time somebody made a mistake in a company, the company wouldn't exist. We're going to create a company where failure is part of the process. What type of creation is this? Why does Hakadosh Baruch Hu build failure into the nature of creation? And if you look carefully at the Gemara, it's not only that Hakadosh Baruch Hu built it this way. I think a lot of us probably feel if we open our hearts to the words of the Gemara, it's like if you want to leave, you can leave. How available is it to us, to every one of us? How open is the possibility of failure? Is the possibility of falling?

8:36 A young woman came to me literally less than fifteen minutes ago. I think sometimes people think that I make these stories up. Hakadosh Baruch Hu plans everything for a reason. I was supposed to speak in Stechemed tonight at six o'clock. I spoke in Stechemed early tonight at five forty. Because I got there a little early, I was able to get to Michlela tonight a little early. And because I got to Michlela tonight a little early, Baruch Hashem, Rebbe Tzim Shreier. I actually showed up because I got here a little early. There was a young woman who had a question for me. She came to me and she said, 'The sheir is dedicated to her tonight.' I won't say her name because I don't want to embarrass her. But she knows who she is. She said, 'Rebberg, I had the most inspiring, amazing, incredible summer on Mechelat. But now I'm going back home. And I'm concerned. I'm going back to an old environment. I'm going back. I'm dramatizing it. I'm going back to my old school, to my old friends, where everybody has social media that I've already deleted.'

9:39 And I'm afraid that the inspiration that I had here on Mechilat isn't going to last. I think in an honest moment, a lot of us feel this way. I think in an honest moment, a lot of us came this summer. It's winding down now. We're in the final throes of the summer, and I think a lot of us, if we're paying attention, it's like this was an incredible summer. But what comes next? And for the madrichot in the room, they'll tell you that the excitement of a summer never lasts. There's always yuridus and aliys. There's always times where we're going up, and there's always times where lo alenu we're going down. So what do we say to this young woman? Who rightfully comes and says, 'Rav Berg, my Yiddishkeit is important to me. I want it. I want a stieg. I want to be awesome. But I know the Gemara. If a person wants to leave, that's lashing the Gemara. She called our road say slot say zyate say. If anybody wants to leave, they just go. It's so available. How many times? Are we macabre on ourselves?'

10:45 I'm never going to do this again. Within an hour, two hours, a day, we find ourselves doing the same thing that we always did. It does feel, if I'm being honest, like the Rebbeinu Sholom created a world where the bottom can just fall out from underneath you. And you shouldn't think that it's just for people who are struggling. It's for everybody. You get older. You're in your 20s, and you're finding yourself in the same place that you were when you were 15. The same thing happens in your 30s, and the same thing happens in your 40s. I don't know about my 50s yet. So far I've been working at this for quite some time, and I still feel like the bottom is right underneath me and I could fall out at any moment. What does the Rebbeinu Sholom want from us? Why would you create such a world? Let's make a deal. Make a world where it's a little easier to shi'ag. I won't need to do tshuva so much. Make a world where it's a little bit easier to not get caught up in all the insanity of this world, and I won't need to do tshuva. Ravunisalim, I want to serve you. That's what every one of us wants. Every single kid that I've ever met has a desire. If you get them in an honest moment, they have a desire to make Shabbos more meaningful.

12:04 To make davening more meaningful, to be more mukusher to Torah. Every one of us wants that. Rebbeinu Shlom, why'd you make it so hard? Just so that I could do tshuva. I don't want your tshuva, Rebbeinu Shlom. I'd rather just do it well to begin with. And the Gemara says it's so extreme. If you do tshuva, that's when Hashem attaches His crown to you. How about when I do the right thing? Attach your crown to me. Why do I need to do the wrong thing and fall, and then I'll elevate myself back up, and then I'll get the crown? I get the crown for winning, not for losing. Imagine somebody gets the crown because they failed, and then Baruch Hashem they figured it out, they finally won a game. That's not the way to win. You want to win? She knows who she is. Nixon Five. That's the best way to win. There she is. I was looking for you. There's a way to win. It doesn't always have to be the cardiac Knicks. It doesn't always have to be that I'm about to lose and then I pull out the win.

13:07 There's such a thing as a winning team. You should know she's been having trauma all summer. She's only 16 years old. She's been suffering as a Knicks fan for 16 years. I've been suffering for 45. You don't need to go through forty-five years of losing just to finally get a win. Although it does feel good. What's the pshat here? I want to share with you the wrong idea of tshuva and the right idea of tshuva. There is a major difference. The wrong idea of tshuva is what the Gaia Shu world calls self-improvement. In the Gaia Shu world, they're also working on themselves. They're also like, I want to get better. I'm going to make a New Year's resolution. I'm going to join a gym. I'm going to start to eat healthy. In the Gaia Shu world, they also have such a thing called a New Year's resolution.

14:02 It's a self-improvement project. In their world, self-improvement means first I did the wrong thing and now I do the right thing. That's what it means. And for them, it would make sense that where you fall, that's how you get up. And in Yiddishkeit, Tshuva has very little to do with self-improvement. Our concept of tshuva, which is fundamentally different. Is we exist in a relationship with Hashem. The secret of every relationship, and you learn this as Hashem when you get married. The secret of every relationship is relationships are designed tension. It's not supposed to be easy. A man and a woman, for example, in marriage are created very different. One of the ways that we know that the Rebbeinu Shlom has an unbelievable sense of humor is he tells men and women get married to each other.

15:07 I want to share with you. I've been doing this for a very long time. I want to tell you what it looks like when a girl comes back from a date. She had a date. It was very serious. The relationship is growing, and she comes back to her apartment. She comes back to her dorm, wherever she comes back to, and she sits with her roommates for hours, unpacking every single detail of the date. Every word that the boy says. I don't know exactly what he meant when he said that he's like kovei itim. Does that mean he learns five hours a day or one hour a day? I'm not sure. What type of life do I want to lead? These girls, at the end of every date, have an existential crisis. A boy comes back from a date, and his roommate says, "How was the date?" And he goes, "It's good." And that's the whole conversation. There's nothing. There's no conversations. There's no working it out. Guy goes, Do you want to marry her? He goes, Yeah, maybe. The girl comes to a date. She goes, Where are we holding? The guy goes, I don't know. Where are we holding? All of a sudden, the girl goes, I don't know. I was asking you. It comes a whole thing. It's hysterical. The Rebbeinu Sholom created two completely different species

16:11 And then he says, Marry each other, and then they do, and then you know what happens? It's not that the marriage is failing. It's that it's hard work. But the key to knowing what makes a great marriage is that when things aren't going well, Lo aleinu, there are people that think my marriage isn't going well. You're learning how to live with someone who's fundamentally different than you. That's what makes marriage awesome. Meshkiach in Mevaseret tells a Meisa many years ago. Rav Glantz tells a Meisa. Many years ago, there was a guy who called him up and he said, "My marriage is failing." He said, "Why is your marriage failing?" He goes, "We're fighting all the time." He goes, "That's marriage." The guy goes, "Really?" He goes, "Yeah. That's part of the nature of the tension of marriage. We come into this world and we have, we're young. All of us in this room are young. We have a bikkur, we have a desire. The desire is this: Rebbeinu Sholom, I want to serve you. Just make it a little bit easier." And the Rebbeinu Shalom says to us

17:13 It's not supposed to be easy. It's supposed to be great. Greatness means that there's going to be designed tension. I'm going to make you a human being, and then I'm going to tell you, Can you bring me down into your world? That's hard. The nature of this world is that if you want to do the wrong thing, it's right there for you to do. And you know what? You probably will, from time to time, make a mistake. And it's easy to fall out of the bottom. That doesn't mean you're failing. It means the relationship is growing. But for so many of us, we live with this insanity of shame. Now that I did the wrong thing and I crossed the line that I promised myself I would never cross, I'm a failure. Now I know I must have done a terrible thing because I did the thing I promised myself I would never do. Remember in eighth grade. Remember when you were in eighth grade and you made yourself a promise: I'm going to high school, and I'm never going to cross whatever line you drew in the sand.

18:16 Remember when you made yourself that promise? Do you remember the first time you crossed that line? Do you remember the feeling you had—the feeling that whoa, I can't believe I ever did that—and now you start to identify that way. This is who I am. I am my lowest moments. Chas v'shalom. You're not your lowest moments. It's the nature of the game. You're supposed to make a mistake. It's what it means to be a yid. But a great yid understands failure was always going to be inevitable. We do it as we're not running for it. We're not looking for failure, but it's part of our process. Greatness is when I'm at the bottom. I don't. Not interested in just coming up the same way I came down. It's not self improvement. The greatness of failure is who do you turn to after you've fallen? Do you look inwards and say, "Okay, I need to find more willpower," or do you look upwards and say to the Rebbeinu Shlom "Bring me back." That's not self-improvement. That's engaging in a relationship with Hashem. Engaging in a relationship with Hashem means I'm not just looking. I didn't wake up for davening before, and now I came to Mechlele and I heard an amazing shir from Rav Moshe Tzvi or from Rav Willig or any number of the amazing rabbayim that you have here. And now I'm working on myself, and I now daven. That's willpower. That's self improvement.

19:53 A yid turns to the Rebbeinu Shlom and says, 'I'm here for tahara.' Rabban Yisrael, I'm coming to you. I'm turning to you. Can you please help me? I'm not interested in just being great for the sake of being great. I want to be in a relationship with you. So no, we do not have New Year's resolutions in the same way the goyim have a New Year's resolution. Their resolution is, I wasn't exercising and now I am. Our vision of Elo, Our vision of Yomim Nolaim When we come to Rebbeinu Shlom and we say, 'I know I can't do it on my own, but please, Rebbeinu Shlom, I'm asking, can you elevate me? Can you bring me back into your world?' And that's the lashon of the Gemara. Why does Rebbeinu Shlom leave that hole at the top of the letter Hey? Because we know, as the Shlach Kadosh brings from the Gemara. You're not just going back up to the same level when you do tshuva. You're going infinitely higher.

21:00 You're going to the top of the letter. The Rebbeinu Sholom says it's me that brings you up there. Ma'ali le, I'm the one that brings you up. Habola tir mesayen oso. The Rebbeinu Sholom says tshuva was never meant to be a solo project. Tshuva is a group project. The Rebbeinu Sholom says. Can you please bring me in to your lowest moments? And that's what it means to be in a real relationship. That's what everybody in this room wants, including myself. How do you know if you're in a real relationship? The way you know if you're in a real relationship is: Are you willing to bring the people you love into your darkest areas of your life? Into your lowest moments? At a Talmud, many years ago. He was dating a girl, and the relationship was in a very awkward, uncomfortable stage. The awkward, uncomfortable stage was that he really wanted to marry her, and he saw in her that she really wanted to marry him. The problem was the relationship had become stagnant, and it was flatlined. They weren't going up, and he knew if the relationship doesn't take the next steps over the next couple of weeks, it's going to peter out because a relationship needs energy.

22:16 So he called me up and he said, 'Rebbe, what can I do here?' I said to him, 'Listen, I have a belief. I'm sure you have this belief too. Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection. If you want to take your relationship to the next level, can you actually introduce yourself to her? Because how many of us will show up? Not you, not yet, not at this level. But your majchol can tell you and beis Hashem in the right time. You show up to a first date. It's a little awkward. You put your best foot forward and you introduce yourself as perfect.' Then you go out for a couple more times and slowly but surely you let him see you're crazy just a little bit. Just introduce him enough to see who you are. But if you want your relationship to go to the next level, you have to talk about real things. Talk to her about what it was like growing up in your family. Talk to her about your struggles. Talk to her about your successes. But be real with her. And this young man, who I have so much respect for, an unbelievable guy, he did have an area in his life where he was struggling.

23:22 And he said, Rebbe, do you think I can tell her about this area? I said, I don't know. You're the one in the relationship. You have to make the call. He said, I think I can. He said, but Rebbe, how do I know that if I tell her and the relationship doesn't work out, she's going to go tell the whole world that I will call Moshe. Because that's his name. I'm joking. I would never say his name. We go, Ma'isha. How do I know that she's not going to go around saying, Ma'isha? He struggles with this problem. I said, this is the nature of vulnerability. There are no promises. But you deserve that when you get engaged and you cross the finish line. You deserve to be able to say, I could trust her with all of myself. All parts are welcome. I could be totally honest. And that's such a big challenge for people. It makes sense because so many of us in a relationship are like, How much do they know about you? Eighty percent.

24:15 Who wants to get married to somebody who they can only trust eighty percent? We want to be able to say, Hineini, here I am. So this guy went out on this date and he had his unbelievable courage. This guy, he's one of my biggest rebbeim, and he shared with her this thing that he was struggling with. And she met this struggle with so much kindness and compassion and grace. And she said to him, "These things don't define you. What defines you? The fact that you had the courage to tell me. The fact that you're working on it." They're married today, Kaninahara, with a beautiful family. And he points to that date and he says, 'That was the date where I knew, 100 percent for sure.' The Rebbeinu Sholom is not interested in malachim. If he wanted us to be malachim, he would have made us malachim. The Rebbeinu Sholom says, 'I want you, with all of your human frailty, with all the mistakes that you make, to that young woman who came to me tonight right before the shiur. This is my answer to you. The Rebbeinu Sholom knows that there's a program called Mechlelet.

25:18 And Mechlelet is here absolutely to get you excited and passionate about your Yiddishkeit. There's no doubt. But mechlelet was never meant to be. That after you come to mechlelet, you're never going to do an avera again. I highly doubt it. I haven't been here for that long. It's only been a couple of years. Mrs. Yudin has been here a bit longer. But I highly doubt that in all the years that mechlelet has been around, there's ever been a girl that was so inspired by mechlelet that she never did an avera again. You go back to what's familiar to you. Sometimes, hopefully, you walk out stronger. There is no doubt that you're going back and it's going to be January and the Roshima. The impact of Mechilah will for sure still be here. And for sure, hopefully, you'll be engaged in continuing to find inspiration for yourself. Maybe it's a teacher in your school, or maybe it's a group of friends that you're building, or maybe you're going to 4G wherever it is that you find your inspiration.

26:20 For sure, continue to find your inspiration. But if there are moments in a couple of weeks or a couple of months from now where you can't remember what it feels like in this moment, just know: not only are you normal, this is why the Rebbeinu Sholom created us. He created us with the letter 'Hey,' with a bottom that falls out, but a top that's open. You don't come in through the bottom. You come to the Rebbeinu Shalom and say, 'Rebbeinu Shalom, I want to be with you.' It's not a self-improvement project. It's the two of us together. The Rebbeinu Shalom says, 'I will lift you up. You'll go to greater heights—heights that you never could have achieved in your relationship with Hashem if you didn't make a mistake.' It's not an accident. That when you look around at the world today The biggest rabbanim The biggest askanim. They were all kids. They were all normal kids. They all had their struggles.

27:26 Somehow we made a world where we pretend that the rebbeim that get up here and speak in front of you were perfect. They weren't perfect when they were kids, and I have news for you—they're not perfect now. And if they're great—and they certainly are—if they're great, it's not despite the way they grew up; it's because of the way they grew up. And if you see that they behave with such elevation and such kirbasalokimly toiv, you should know it doesn't mean it's easy for them. It's also a struggle. Everybody has their struggle at their level. Rav Huttner writes in a letter to a Talmud. A Talmud wrote to Rav Huttner and he said, "Rabbi, I'm struggling so much." And the Gedolei Ham said that it looks like the Gedolei Ham never struggled. And Rav Huttner wrote, he said, "It's such a terrible chaval that we made our Gedolei Ham out to be something that they're not. Because certainly they were great, but they were also kids once upon a time. And you're normal and you're human. Tshuva is part of the process." The Gemara in Yoma compares this to a merchant who sells fuel.

28:31 But he also sells perfume. And if somebody comes to the merchant and he says, "I want to buy fuel," the merchant says, "Go measure for yourself the fuel." But if somebody comes to the merchant and they say, "I want to buy perfume," the merchant says, "Let me measure it together with you. This way, we will both smell great in the process of measuring out the perfume." The Rebbeinu Shlomo is saying to us: You want to do tshuva? That's perfume. I want to be with you. We both come out stronger. We both come out better because of your tshuva. The relationship is closer. The Rebbeinu Shlomo doesn't want us to build a castle for him in Shamayim. He wants us to bring the kingdom of heaven down to earth below. That's the nature of what it means to be a yid. The Rebbeinu Shlomo says: Where's the perfume of our yiddishkeit? It's when you turn to me when things aren't going well. And the biggest secret is if you want to wear the crown of Hashem. You don't wear the crown of Hashem from being perfect. You wear the crown of Hashem when you have the ability to turn to Hashem and say

29:36 I want to invite you into the struggles of my life. Now the Rebbeinu Sholom says, 'Now you are being mamlech me in this world.' And that's the goal of Rosh Hashanah: to be mamlech Hashem in this world. We can only be mamlech Hashem through tshuva. I know the hour is late. I know you have some messy night activity outside. That's why you're all wearing the same T-shirt. I assume you got it for free. It's exceptionally Jewish of you. Tonight, proud Zionism means that you're all going to get very dirty. Many years ago. It's not so many. Maybe two, three years ago. Rabbi Benowitz, who runs NCSY Kollel He gave a shmuuz at the beginning of the summer. I like when Rabbi Benowitz speaks. I'm a Rabbi Benowitz fan. He's an amazing speaker. He said to the boys, "What did you pack in your bags on the way to NCSY Kollel? What did you bring along with you?" And he spoke about a football player. I'll tell you the truth. I grew up a tremendous sports fan—football, hockey, baseball, and basketball. It took years, but Baruch Hashem, I know nothing about football. I know nothing about baseball.

31:05 I know nothing about hockey. Basketball, I'm working on it but I'm having trouble letting go. Now I could let go. Finally, the Knicks have won a championship. Maybe now I could let go. He spoke about a football player. I'll tell you honestly, I don't know the name of this football player. I think his name is Henry something. You know I'm talking about. Can't admit it even if you did. There's a guy. He comes every single game with a crown to the game. He comes with a crown in his bag. And if they win the game and he has a good game, he wears the crown in the locker room. I think his name is Henry. Like he's King Henry like that. And Rabbi Benavitz looked at these boys in NCSY Kollel at Shalosh Seders in the first Shabbos. And he said to them, "What did you pack in your bags?" And he spoke about how the women, when they were leaving Mitzrayim, packed their tambourines because they expected the miraculous. And he looked at the boys in NCSY Kol and he says, "I'm sure you boys, you brought your shorts and you brought your T-shirts."

32:09 You brought your Gemaras, but did you pack your crowns? That was the question that he asked the boys. That's how he started the summer. It's been a couple of years since Rabbi Benowitz gave that speech. And every single summer before my family and I go to NCSY Kollel for the first Shabbos, my daughters Racheli and Shira—now the two older ones are married—go, 'Abba, do you think Rabbi Benowitz is going to speak?' I say, 'I sure hope so.' They say, 'If Rabbi Benowitz speaks, do you think he'll tell that story about the crown again?' Because you should have seen the guys in the room. Every guy in the room was at the edge of their seats. It wasn't just because Rabbi Benowitz is a phenomenal speaker, which he certainly is. It was because every guy in that room was sitting on the edge of their seat, saying, "Yeah, I may not have realized it, but I want to wear that crown." Every one of us, without exception. And by the way, the girls that are running away fastest from Yiddishkeit are the ones that want it the most. Don't think that you know what anybody is going through. You have no idea. Sometimes the ones that are running away fastest and hardest and most obvious are the ones that are in so much pain because they're not wearing the crown of the Abanis Shalom.

33:18 They want more than anything to be in a relationship with the Abanis Shalom. The boys sitting on the edge of their seats were saying, 'I want to wear that crown, and so are you.' Leaving Michlelet doesn't mean it's the end of your growth; it means it's the beginning. Leaving Michlelet means that, yes, for many of you, unfortunately, you are leaving Eretz Yisrael. But Hashem, you'll come back soon. For many of you, you're going back to the school year, and maybe the school year is not as inspiring as mechalat. It's hard. It's hard to inspire when you're caught up in all your schoolwork and social circles that you have. And everything that's going on. But don't forget for one second, The crown of Hakadosh Baruch Hu is not for the perfect. The crown that Hakadosh Baruch Hu ties to us Himself is for the imperfect, for those that refuse to give up on themselves. For those that know how to invite the Rebbeinu Sholom into the darkest places of their life and say Rebbeinu Sholom, It's you and me, and I'm turning to you not because I'm interested in self-improvement, but because I'm interested in building this relationship and taking it to new heights. I want to bless us all that we should have the schus to do tshuva, not from a place of lack, not from a place of I'm broken, but from a place of I'm human, and I'm inviting the Rebbeinu Sholom into every aspect of my life. Girls have a beautiful elbow.