Chapters
Transcript
Automatic transcript; may contain mistakes, especially in Hebrew.
There's an amazing story in the parsha this week that I want to look at carefully with you. The story needs to be understood very carefully. I'm not sure myself that I have the entire picture here, but I'll try to make some sense of the story. Just take a second. The truth is, the only way to really explain this story is to actually try to experience it along with the story. Some stories in chumash are hard to connect to. This one's not hard to connect to. The story is really a story about Sarai Imenu not being able to have children. Now that's a tragedy of epic proportions. None of us should ever know the pain of being married and not being able to have children. It's a devastating thing. We have a crazy maysa on our block. A woman who lives four houses down from where I live. It's actually a pretty famous story. She couldn't have children for twenty years.
For 20 years, we can't imagine what it's like to not have children for 20 years, and she is the local ganeneh. She's who everybody sends. That's what she does for a living. She watches other people's children. You imagine the pain of not having children of your own, but taking care of other people's children. That's a very, very psychologically complex thing to do. One of the things about this woman is she would watch everybody else's kids in her gan, but she would never go to the park on Shabbos. Now you've already been in Eretz Yisrael for two months. I don't know if you've realized this. Where do women spend Shabbos afternoon? In the park. Why? Because we don't have backyards. Our kids play in the park, and so basically you have these very beautiful, really stunning scenes where you'll have all the women sitting on the benches in the park, all the little kids running around, and they kind of come home to their mothers from time to time, sitting on the park bench.
Read the full transcript
If let's say they scrape their knee, they come crying, and the mother holds the kid for a second, and then the kid just goes back and plays. It's one thing to be a ganene and having 20 kids in your house every single day that you're watching. It's another thing to be in the park, because in the park, if you're sitting with all the other mothers, you know what you see? You see all of the mothers having their children run over to them, and that is a level of pain that none of us could ever begin to experience. It's a crazy story. On my block, Rav Pesin was like a very famous. Have anyone here ever heard of Rav Pesin? Rav Pesin's like a very famous Tamchacham. He was very close with Rav Chaim Kaniewski. He took the father to Rav Chaim Kaniewski for a bracha. Rav Chaim said, "Build a mikvah." Ten months later, they had a child. It's the craziest story. I don't like these stories. These stories do nothing for me except for the fact that this woman lives four houses down from me, and she was my own kid's guninet.
When she came home from the hospital, the entire neighborhood came out to greet her. Beis Hashem, when you come home with your children, Beis Hashem, when you come home from the hospital with your children, much better. So it's a beautiful thing. Maybe your parents will be there, right? Maybe the older kids will come out. Oh my gosh, it's so exciting! Sar Malka was just born, right? Like it's exciting times. When this woman came home from the hospital, 300 families were on the block to greet her. 300 families, without exaggeration, every single person from the neighborhood. There were balloons hanging from the house, people were blasting music. She got out of the car, people were mamas dancing. The whole neighborhood even vowed for her to have a child. And Baruch Hashem, miraculously, she had a child. But the pain that she experienced for 20 years.
It's a pain that none of us in this room, Bez Hashem, will ever experience or could even begin to understand. If you're Sara Imenu and you're married to Avram Avinu, that's a pretty good shiruch. You got Avram, the greatest tzaddik in the world until that period of time. Unbelievable! You're married to Avram Avinu, but you're childless. Your childlessness probably means something more than just not having children. What might it even mean more than that? I'm failing. This is what she might have thought. I'm guessing. I don't know. Maybe she thought to herself, "I'm failing at continuing the legacy of Avram Avinu. This is the most important person in the world. He's changing the entire course of history. He needs to have a kid. It's my responsibility to bring a child into the world to continue what Avram Avinu is starting. Because if there's no Yitzchak,
To continue what Avraham Avinu does, what happens to the legacy of Avraham Avinu? Maybe he's a tzaddik and maybe he introduces monotheism to the world. But what happens if there's nobody to continue? The whole thing falls apart. Everything in Judaism is based on continuity. Have you realized that? The entire purpose of being here is to do what? Keep it going. That's a game of hot potato. You have to keep it going. You keep passing the hot potato to the next person, and you don't drop the hot potato. You drop the hot potato, this whole thing falls apart. Sarayimenu was probably feeling, again, I'm using very human terminology, and obviously she was a tzadikas of epic proportions, but I imagine that she was feeling a high level of pressure. Like I have to keep this thing going, and I'm falling short. So Sarayimenu does what I would imagine is impossible to do. Listen to what the Torah tells us: V'saray eshes Avram lo yaldulo.
The law, shifcha mitzvus u'shma hagar. She's not having children, but she does have something to offer. What does she have to offer? Hagar. Who's Hagar? Her maid servant. Her maid servant. Very good. And who's Hagar's father? Classroom participation. Who's Hagar's father? Excellent. So she's got a pretty important shifcha. Right now, just take a step back for a second. Why is Hagar Sarai's maid servant? Does anybody know? Because Pharaoh said it's better for her to be a maid servant in the house of Abraham than to be a princess in the house of Pharaoh. Exactly right. Remind me again. Where'd you go to school? Based out of Detroit. See, it's that out-of-town Detroit education. Rely on it every day of the week. So exactly right. That's exactly what Chazal say. That Pharaoh was so enamored.
With Avram Avinu, that he said, "I want to participate in Avram Avinu's house." He sends off his daughter, and now she's the maid servant of Sarah. But she's a pretty important person; she's a princess, right? In other words, it's one thing. She's got a pretty important person, so she does the following. Sarah turns to Avram and she says, "Hineina atzarani Hashem miladas." Hashem has restrained me from having children. Meaning, what is Sarah Imenu acknowledging in this moment? It's not going to happen. That's a pretty big thing for Sarah Imenu to say. Ba na el shivchasi, you should take my shivcha as a wife. La ibanem imena, you can build from her. Meaning, your legacy will continue on not through me but through her. Vayishma Avram lekol Sarah.
And Avram Avinu listens to the voice of Sarai Imenu. Let's stop here. Any questions? If you're a thoughtful person, listen carefully. Listen to the passage carefully. What questions would you have? Sarai Imenu just offered her shevchah to Avram Avinu. She says, 'Hashem restrained me from having children. Take my shevchah, build from her.' And Avram listens lekal Sarai to the voice of Sarai. Any questions, comments, or reactions? Why do it? Why did he do it? What's the answer to that question? The pasuk says it, but you have to listen carefully. Why did he do it? Vayishma Avram. Why did he do it? Why did he do it? Because Sarah told him. This, because you got to listen to your wife. Very good. That's exactly what. That's exactly why he did it. He didn't do it because he wanted to. He did it because Sarah Imenu said to do it. So he did it. But it's an interesting thing. So first question is, why did he do it? He did it because Sarah Imenu told him to. But there's somebody said it on this side and I missed it. What did you say?
For whatever reason, Sari Imenu has come to the recognition that time is marching on. We've got to get Avraham Avinu a kid. It's important. The fate of the world rests on him having a child. But you have to say it loud so they can hear you all the way in the back when they're not paying attention. Say louder. Listen to her voice. If you wanted to say that Avram Avinu listened to Sarah, how would you have written it in the pasuk? They say Akiva of Detroit. How would you have written it? Avram Shmaz Sarah. And Avram listened to his wife, or Avram listened to Sarah. What does it mean that Avram listened to her voice? He listened to her voice. I'm not saying what the answer is yet. I'm just pointing out.
It's a complicated thing because the whole thing rests on the fact that Avram Avinu listens to Sarah. That's the only reason he does it. He doesn't do it because he has a chesed that it's the right thing to do. Because if Avram Avinu had a chesed that it was the right thing to do, then when would he have married Hagar? Before Sarah Yemeinu told him to. He only marries Hagar when Sarah says you should marry Hagar. So he says, fine, I'll listen to you. But it doesn't say I'll listen. It says I'll listen lekol Sarah. I'll listen to the voice of Sarah. That's a strange way for the Torah to say it. So far, so good. We all understand. Let's see what happens next. What happens next in the pasuk? Now he goes ahead. Abraham vino goes and he marries Hagar, and Hagar is for him a wife. Which means now how many wives does Abraham vino have? Two. He's two wives. Before he had one.
And that one wife had a shifcha. Now Avram Avinu has two wives. Vayavo el Hagar, and he comes to Hagar. Vathar vateira ki harasa vateika gavata bayneah. And now what happens? Hagar gets pregnant. Now let's stop for a second. Let's pause in the story. We're human beings. Obviously, we understand that the avos and imahos were unbelievably great. We're not trying to bring them down to our level, but we have to understand the story on our level because the Torah is speaking to us. Imagine your Sarimenu, years of childlessness. You make this heroic sacrifice because you understand the legacy of Abraham Avinu, in fact, the legacy of the entire world is at stake. You give your shifcha, who now becomes a wife, and she immediately gets pregnant. What's going through your head? It's my fault. It was me, right? That's always the question when people are having trouble conceiving: is it me, or is it you, or is it both of us? And in that moment, what does she realize? It was me.
I was the problem. He was always able to have a child. Do you imagine how crushing that is? But something else happens. The Torah tells us. I read it fast. Vateil gabarta beinah. And now, Hagar, the new wife of Avram Avinu, she starts seeing Sarah Imenu in a very light way. She starts distressing her. She starts bullying her. She starts acting inappropriately to Sarah Imenu, and she says, "You ain't so great. You're not so great. If you were great, Hashem would have blessed you with the child. Actually, I'm great. I'm the legacy now of Avraham Avinu. I did it, not you." And all of a sudden, this princess turned maid servant turned wife turned Sarah Imenu the wife into what? She starts pushing her out of the marriage. She says, "You're not. You're not the real deal. You're not the real wife. I'm the real wife."
Because to be the real wife of Avram Avinu is a big deal. Why is it a big deal? Because Avram Avinu is going to turn the entire world over. The entire world is pagan. The entire world is idolatrous. The entire world believes that there's no such thing as one God, and Avram Avinu is going to introduce the single most important principle that's ever been introduced in the history of the world. And by the way, there's never been since then a more important principle. You realize that the entire world rests on this principle of oneness. Everything you girls grew up in comes from Avram Avinu, and I don't just mean Judaism. For example, the right to dignity—that all human beings are created in the image of God—that comes from Avram Avinu. That's Avram Avinu's recognition that God is one. That means we are all one with Hashem. Every single freedom you have in your life comes from Avram Avinu. Avram Avinu changed the world dramatically. This is like the biggest deal in the world. Hagar, being the wife of Avram Avinu, now it's not enough for her just to be a wife. What does she want to be? The wife.
You hear the difference? But I feel like it's an amazing way of starting a question. Very different than what I experienced in yeshiva. Your feelings are valid. Didn't it also come from discontinuity because Avram discontinued what Torah was teaching me? For sure. Avram Avinu broke away. Very good. Avram Avinu broke away from everything that was beforehand, and he's taking the world in an entire new direction. But if there's no continuity of that direction, then the whole thing will fall apart. And Hagar says, "I'm the one who's doing it with you, not Sarah. She's not so great. Sarah's not so great. That's a very big deal for her to do." Now, at this point in the story, what should Sarah's reaction be? If I'm Sarah, I'm going, "What did I do?"
What did I do? I allowed Hagar to step in to the marriage with Avram Avinu and to push me out, and instead, Sarai Avinu does the strangest thing in the world for men—the strangest thing for men. She turns to Avram Avinu. Is Tamar Sarai al Avram? Sarai turns to Avram Avinu and she says, 'Chamasi alecha. This is your fault.' We just said this. It's literally on the board behind. Don't think that when I walked in, I wasn't looking at and going, 'Somebody just gave the share that I'm going to give.' It was about stealing. I know that it won't be. She says it's your fault. This why men. I figure out how to say this carefully, Ravaritz. This why men get frustrated with women. Relax. It's going to be okay.
I know it's one in a hundred here, but I'm confident in my position. We're going to get through this together. When we listen to you, I'm preparing you for your future husbands. I'm trying my best to spare you from shalom bias issues. If you tell your husband something, and he listens to you, you cannot turn around and go, 'Shouldn't have listened.' He could listen wrong. Sometimes you have experience. Thank you. I genuinely hope that that's not true. You're not married yet. You have zero experience. Married to boys and Jenna. We don't have to talk about that in public. Your brothers? The same. It's with my cousins. Not that guy down the road.
He's just across the street. Sometimes by the bus stop. The your family friend? My family. It's Boltonic. The I agree with you. It's possible to listen wrong, but sometimes what happens is that the wife says to the husband, "Can we do this?" And he goes, "Yes." And she goes, "I don't understand. Is this your fault?" And he goes, "I just did what you wanted me to do." And by the way, it drives men crazy. Obviously, this not what's going on over here. Obviously, this a much more sophisticated conversation. But it is strange, and you know how I know it's strange, because Rashi tells us that there's something much deeper going on, because the words of the psukim themselves, on their own, make no sense. What did Avram Avinu do wrong? He didn't do anything wrong. What did Avram Avinu do wrong? He didn't do anything wrong. Rashi tells us actually, Sari Imenu had two problems with Avram Avinu. But we're going to see this not so obvious. You got to listen carefully to Rashi, and we're going to see if we could figure this out. So Rashi says like this. Problem number one, chamasi alecha.
It's your fault. Why? Because when you davened to Hashem, you said the words 'Matitain li vaAnochi haleich ariri.' What can you give me, seeing that I am childless? What did Avram Avinu leave out? 'Lo hesvalati ella Alecha.' You only davened for yourself. Which means that when Avram Avinu davened to Hashem for a child after the war with the four kings, after he rescued Lot, Avram Avinu comes along to Hashem and he says, 'I know you just did this amazing miracle, but I'm asking you, please give me a child.'
Sarah Imenu says, when you asked for a child, you didn't include me in your tefillah, so your tefillah was neskal. Your tefillah was answered because you have a kid. But if you would have davened for both of us, then I would have been the one to have a kid with you. But because you only davened for yourself, I got left out. You understand her problem? That's problem number one. And her second taina on her husband, yeah, was. Hagar was berating me. Hagar's bullying me. Hagar's pushing me out of this marriage. Listen to Rashi's words: "Sh'ata shomea b'zioni." You've been listening to me be embarrassed by Hagar for show's sake, but you were silent. Those are too serious tainos. Not the tainos like we were saying before of Hamasi Alecha. This is your fault for listening to me. Avram Avinu listened to her. The problem is what? The problem is you didn't daven for me and you didn't stand up for me.
You understand? Those are the two problems. So far, so good. I have a problem though. I have a problem with this Rashi. If you can come along with me on this, when did Avram Avinu not daven for Sara Imeno? Before he married Hagar. You understand? If we're following the timeline here. You're all going to remember this.
Say that. Get a mechinyam a sefer chayot related to Hamas. Say that. When does Abraham begin to daven for having a kid? He davenes for having a kid after he wins the battle against the four kings and he rescues Lot. At this point in time, he davenes for himself and not for Sarah. Sarah clearly knows that he davenes for himself and not for Sarah because later she comes to him and she says, "Hey, you didn't daven for me." When did she find that out? She must have known it right away. Now she goes ahead. At this point, she says, "This is point number two, right? Point number one, point number two." At this point, she says, "Go ahead, marry Hagar." Now Hagar has a child, and now only later, at point number three, she goes, "You didn't daven for me over here." But she knew that then. Why didn't she come to Avraham Avinu way earlier and go, "Oh, you're talking to God about having a kid? Talk about me too." She waits all the way until now, after Hagar is pregnant. Now she comes to Avraham Avinu and says.
How come? How come you didn't include me in your tefillah? You knew about that clearly beforehand. She must have known about the tefillah. She literally quotes it. That's what Rashi says. Rashi says, 'Matitein leva anochi olei harivish.' She quotes to him the pasuk. She goes, 'I know that you davened for yourself and not for me.' So then, if she knew that, that means she knew it all the way back here at point number one. Why does she wait until much, much later in the story to say this whole thing is your fault? You didn't daven for me. She knew that then, and yet she didn't say a word. You understand the problem? What happens next? Now Avramavinau understands. She's very upset at me. I didn't daven for her, and I didn't stick up for her when Hagar was berating her. So what does he do? Take back your maid servant. She's in your hands. Do whatever you want with her now. So now you do whatever you think is right.
And Sarah afflicted Hagar, and what does Hagar do? She runs away. You understand what's happening now? So Hagar was berating Sarah. Avramavinu says to Sarah, 'She's yours. She's yours. She's back to being a shifcha, even though she's pregnant with my child. She's back to being your shifcha.' And what does Sarah do to her? Sarah berates her so much so that Hagar runs away. And then a malach finds her. A whole story, and she has a conversation with the Malach, and she says, 'You're going to give birth. The Karasa Yishmael, you should call the baby Yishmael. That's going to be the name of the child. Why? Because Hashem heard your pain. Hashem heard. I'm sorry. Hashem heard your prayer. Hashem heard your tefillah. This is a wild story. If we say the story very quickly, we'll do Rivgav style. You know where he does that thing at the end where he speaks like a micro machine guy.
We'll do. You girls don't know what micro machines is. That was for Evaratz. The very quickly, what happened? Avram Vino and Sara couldn't give, couldn't have a child. Manu says take Hagar. He takes Hagar, she gets pregnant. Hagar says you ain't so great. She starts to berate Sara. Sara goes back to Avram Vino. It's your fault. Why is it my fault? It's your fault because you didn't daven for me. It's your fault because you've been quiet the entire time. I we asked the kasha, but she knew about that back then. Fine, but she's only saying it now. Why we don't know yet. Now Avram Vino says she's yours, even though she's pregnant with my child. She's yours. She runs away. A malach comes, listens to the tefila of Hadar, and that's going to be the name of the child, Yishmael. It's a very strange story. We go very fast through these stories. We don't really pay very careful attention to them. I want to try to understand the story much deeper. Story goes like this. This is what I think is going on here. Tell me if this makes any sense. If you were Sara Imenu.
If you are Sarai Imenu and you can't have children, this is what I think might be happening. The story underneath the story. This is what I think might actually be going on. We've been speaking the entire time about Sarai Imenu being childless, but what we didn't speak about is how did she think Avram Avinu felt about her? I'll say that again. Make sure. I don't know if I said it so clearly. Want to try it again? The entire time we've been talking about the pain of Sarah Imenu being childless, but I would like to suggest that there was something else going on in the story that we haven't been paying attention to. How did Sarah Imenu see the marriage not from her own perspective? But you know how all wives are thinking, what's my husband thinking about me? And husbands are all thinking about their wives, what's my wife thinking about me? Sarah Imenu, in the time that she's childless, is asking herself.
How does Avram Avinu feel about me? So she comes to Avram Avinu and she says, 'Listen, let's talk about the elephant in the room. If you don't have a kid, this whole thing that you've been spending your entire life doing, it's over. You need to have a child. Take my maid servant, take Hagar. She's a princess to Paro. Marry her.' What does the Torah tell us? Va'yishma Avram, and Avram listens. What? Le kol sarai, which means as follows: There's always two levels to every conversation. There's the words you say, and then there's what you actually mean. Now you said it before. You said some people don't know how to listen to what's actually being said, and you were 100% right. If a guy comes into my office and he goes, 'Erberg, I'm suicidal,' should I hand him the keys to the roof? Why not?
But maybe I want to be a supportive rebbe. Why is that not being supportive? We're having a beautiful Talmud Torah moment. Let's slow it down. I don't make choices for my talmidim. I try to support the choices that they make. So if a boy comes to me chas v'shalom and he says, 'Rabbi, I'm suicidal,' why would I not give him the keys? Because if he who said that? That's not what he actually wants. Listen carefully, girls. We're gonna do this. It's gonna be okay.
Because he never came into my office to ask me for the keys. If somebody comes to you and says Chas v'shalom, I'm suicidal, you have to know how to listen to the unspoken words in the conversation. There's always two layers. There's what's said, and then there's what's meant. There's something beneath the surface. If a guy comes and he tells me I'm suicidal, the question is why is he telling me? We call that a cry for help. Not give him the keys. Do you understand? When your husband says something to you, you have to know that there's the words that he says, and then there's the thing that he means. And it's very often true in relationships that the words that are said are very thinly veiled. Something going on underneath the surface. Does that make sense? For example, if Avram Avinu can't have children, and there's this unspoken thing that's happening between him and Sarah, they both know that he has to have a kid.
But they're not talking about it. And now she comes in and she says, 'Marie Hagar, what did Avram Avinu hear? He heard the words. What didn't he hear? He didn't hear the unspoken words. What were the unspoken words? The unspoken words were. This is a guess on my part, but I think it's a good pshat. Please say no.' Because first of all, your husband is a lucky man. Because sometimes what we do in relationships is not test Chassid shalom. It's more sophisticated than that. Sometimes we want, and maybe this is even a beautiful thing. Sometimes we want somebody. She was being very practical, very actionable, and I have no doubt that she was being authentic. So she said, 'Listen, you got to have a kid,' and it's clearly not happening here.
At that point, Avraham Avinu could have said to her, "Children come from Hashem; the miraculous can happen. You're my wife." But he took the practical, actionable road. When what he didn't hear was Sarah Imenu underneath saying, "Because there's always that voice inside that says, 'Please don't.'" There's a there's a beautiful story that's brought down. I think it's in Medrash about Rishim and Baruchai. That a couple came to Rosh Hashanah that they couldn't have children, and they came to Rosh Hashanah and they said, "We can't have kids. Should we get divorced?" So Rosh Hashanah said, "You can get divorced, but you should make a party about getting divorced. Should make a party. At the party, before they were divorced, at the party, he got very, very he got very, very drunk, and he says to his wife, who he's going to divorce the next day, he says, 'You know, I love you so much. I don't want to be divorcing you. Ask me for anything.'"
Ask me for anything, and I'll give it to you. She says, "I want you. I want you. I don't want to get divorced." They came. This is amazing. They came back to Rosh Hashanah. The next day, Rosh Hashanah said, "Now you're going to have a child." Why didn't Rosh Hashanah say that yesterday? If Rosh Hashanah has the capacity to give them a bracha to have a child, why doesn't he say it yesterday? Sometimes for a couple to have a child, you know what they need to reveal? How absolutely connected to each other they are. That's what Rishon Bayachai was doing the entire time. He said, "I can't give you the bracha until you guys understand we're in this ride or die, no matter what. We're not giving up on each other, and that's the gift you get when you don't give up on each other." He says, "Now I can give you a bracha." Sarimayna was coming to Avraham Avinu, and she's saying, "Choose me, because if you choose me, then I'll have the capacity."
To have a child, Rav Ravina listens to the voice and not to what's unspoken. So he goes ahead and he marries Hagar. And now Hagar gets pregnant. If you're Sari Imenu, you know what you're thinking. Oh man, it's not just that he listened to my voice and he took Hagar, but what? I don't really have a place in this relationship. Now I have a co-wife, and she's the pregnant one. And now, what does Hagar start to do? Hagar starts to berate her and push her out of the marriage, which confirms what for her—not part of this relationship anymore. Just on a very simple level for us, just to try to understand the story—not because it's a human story, but because we're human beings. You ever have that? You ever have a relationship where you're like, 'There's—I gotta be careful how I say this,' but like, you know how there's like two friends and then a third friend gets introduced?
That's like the seminary politics. We came in friends, but now she's wormed her way in, and I feel on the outside of the relationship right now. It's a deeply uncomfortable thing that happens. And by the way, it happens in every yeshiva and in every seminary every single year. People come in, right, and they come together. We're friends from high school. We're rooming together, and now all of a sudden there's a third person in the relationship, and that relationship starts to sever. It's an uncomfortable reality. Relationships start to adapt. Sarimaynu is asking herself the question now: Where am I in this relationship? And it's exacerbated by two things, not one, two things. She knew the entire time that Avraham Avinu, when he davened to Hashem, he said he davened for himself. It didn't bother her at that point because she said, if he's davening for himself, he's davening for me. When does she realize that the tefillah was really just about him? Only after Hagar gets pregnant.
She's like, wait a second, that tefila that you were davening for yourself, because I thought you and I were one. So when you daven for yourself, I thought I was included in that tefila. Because what does that mean? You and me, we're together. So if you're davening for yourself, of course you're davening for me. But now, once Hagar got pregnant, what does she realize? It wasn't a tefila for me. It was a tefila for you, and that's why Avraham Avinu, you were answered, and I wasn't, because you weren't davening for me the entire time. You hear what Sarimenu is saying? You hear the pain of Sarimenu? She's asking herself, wait a second, was I ever in this relationship? That's a very painful thing for a person to experience. I know, of course, it's true that Avraham Avinu loved her tremendously. Of course, that's true. We see that many times. But the very real pain that a person could experience when they see you got answered, but I didn't. I thought when you were davening for yourself, you were davening for us because you, I was you, you were me. That's what it means to be a husband and wife. I don't mean in like a codependent way. I'm talking about in like the actual like we are one. Avraham Avinu was davening for himself. She never thought to herself that it wasn't for him.
That it wasn't for her. She said, 'Of course, if he's davening for himself, he's davening for us. But when Hagar gets pregnant, she realizes, 'Wait a second, it wasn't for us. It was just for him.' So she comes to Avraham Avinu and she goes, 'This is your fault. The reason we weren't having children is because there wasn't a unity there between us. You were davening for yourself, but you left me out of it.' She knew about the words. She just never knew what they really meant. And then the second thing is the proof. Because if you really cared about me and listened to the words of Rashi, if you really cared about me, what would you do? When I closed, I'll open it real quickly. If you really cared about me, then when Hagar was embarrassing me and Hagar was coming after me and pushing me out of the marriage, listen to the words of Rashi as I stall till I find it. Sha'ata shomea bezioni. You heard the bizonos, the shosek, and you were quiet. You hear the word Rashi uses here. You do know how to hear. You only heard the voice. You didn't hear what I was saying. And when you heard, you hear how it's not when you saw. When you heard Hagar saying those nasty things to me, you heard him, but you were quiet. Why were you quiet? What's Ari Meno saying? Because you don't care about me.
Because if we care about people who are being embarrassed, we stand up and we say something. And if we don't say anything, it's because we don't care. Isn't that what happened in the story of Kamza and Bar Kamza? Why is he so upset? He said the rabbis were right there and they didn't say anything. If the rabbis cared about me, they would have said something. So Sari Avinu is saying you didn't care about me. So what's Avram Avinu's response? There's an unbelievable radak. There's an unbelievable Radak. You have to learn the Radak. The Radak is so brilliant. The Radak says as follows: Avram Avinu hears her. He's a good husband. He's maybe even a great husband. Avram Avinu hears her. Now this is tricky, because he's got two wives, and one of them is pregnant with his child. And he says, 'She's yours. You do with her what you want.' That's the lashon of the pasuk. By Yomar Avram Alsarai, he nei shivchasech biade. You hear how he switches her back? Your maid servant, she's back in your hands. You hear how she goes from it's his wife, but what does he call her? She's your maid servant. She's in your hands. What does that mean? So listen to this unbelievable Radak. Afal pisha shachva b'cheki, even though Hagar has been with me, shivchasech he kibatchila. She's like she was your servant just at the beginning.
Even though she's pregnant with my child, she's your maid servant. She's not my wife. He's willing to step back from the entire thing. Vehinini, and these are the words now of the Radak. Vehinini mochel lach kevodi, and I waive all my honor for you. Meaning, do you realize how tough a situation Avraham Avinu is in now? This is his wife, pregnant with his child. Avraham Avinu says the single most powerful thing he could say to his wife after he understands what was really bothering her—that she felt like, in a certain sense, disconnected from Avinu. From Avraham Avinu goes like this: "I've got no cover for myself. Even though this is going to be really hard for you to take her back as a shifcha, she's yours, and that is what it means to be in a healthy marriage. This is what a healthy marriage looks like. In a healthy marriage."
There's something called Simsum. Simsum is when Hakadosh Baruch Hu created the world. What does Simsum mean? Simsum means Hashem pulls Himself back to create space for another. You want to know the key to a healthy marriage? This is what it looks like. You have two choices in a marriage. One is Kavod and the other is humility, or Kavod and space. This is where a marriage is, right here in the middle. This is the husband, this is the wife. This is the husband, this is the wife. Not great circles. This in the middle—that's where the marriage is. The marriage is not in you, and the marriage is not in him. The marriage is in what we call the shared space in between. This space, this is where the marriage is. This space right here—if you fill it up with your own self, if you take up too much space, there's no room for the other. The single most unattractive thing a man can do is he can be arrogant in a marriage.
Or in any relationship, and that's why sometimes you meet a guy, and initially you might think, hey, he's a good-looking guy, right? And then he opens up his mouth, and you're repulsed. Why? Because all he's doing on the date is talking about how awesome he is. Now it's uncomfortable. Why are you talking about how awesome you are? Why is that uncomfortable? Let him talk about how awesome he is. What's the problem? If you're so busy talking about how awesome you are, what's the question the girls are asking on the other end? Is there any room for me? The flip side of that is humility. Humility is not weak. Humility comes with actual confidence. But if somebody shows up and they're not all about themselves, what's the feeling you have in their presence? There's space for me. This middle space right here, where the marriage is, you could fill it up with covet, or you could fill it up with humility.
Listen to the godless of Avram Avinu. Avram Avinu says, 'This is going to be hard for me to pull back. She's literally my wife, who you gave me, and she's pregnant with my child. But in this relationship, I have no cover. I'm meichel on all of my cover. This space, this what he says to her. This space right here in between, Sarei Menu, I'm all yours.' That's the godless of the repair of Avram Avinu, where Sarei Menu felt disconnected from him. Avram Avinu steps in and he goes. Everything belongs to you. All of me belongs to you. I'm Michael on all of my kavod. I want to tell you a crazy thing. There's 10,000 hours of recorded shiurim from the Labavitcher Rebbe. 10,000 hours is an enormous amount of time. 10,000 hours of recorded shiurim. In the 10,000 hours of the recorded shiurim, the Labavitcher Rebbe said the word 'I' less than 10 times. He never. The k'mat never.
Said the word I. By the way, try it. If you want to see how hard this is, try to walk around without using the word I. Whenever the Leibavitcher Rebbe wanted to say his opinion, what he would say is, 'And in our generation, the avoda is this.' But he never said, 'And I think the avoda is this,' because he was such a humble person, and he was very strong, by the way. But because he was such a humble person, it was never about him. It was about everybody else, and by the way, that's why in the 50 years that he was the rebbe, he didn't take one day of vacation, because it wasn't interesting to take a vacation. He said, 'I belong to the chassidim, I belong to Klal Yisrael.' That's why he cared about Jews that he never met before, or that weren't his chassidim, or on the other side of the globe. It's absolute humility, it's absolute bittul. So Avram Avinu, the start story starts off that he failed to hear what was really being said by Sarai, but then when she tells him, 'Wait a second, Hamasi Alecha,' there's a distance between you and I.
What is his response? He goes, "Now I hear you. Up until now, you're right. I heard it and I didn't do anything. I'm all yours. But now, what happens next? What does Sarah do to Hagar? She berates her. And what does Hagar do? She runs away. And the Ramban is critical. The Ramban is critical of Sarah Imenu. The lashon of the Ramban, the lashon of the Ramban is chata imenu beinu yaze. It was a sin that Sarah Imenu did by afflicting Hagar. The gam Avram ba'Anichol asos kein, and Avram also made a mistake by allowing Sarai imenu to do it to Hagar. So you see, it's not so simple. What did Avram Avinu do? He saw his wife's pain. What does he do? He goes, "I'm pulling myself back. She's all yours." What's the problem, Avram Avinu? You're also married to Hagar, and now Sarai imenu is doing to Hagar what Hagar did to Sarai imenu. Avram Avinu, you also have to care about her pain. So both sides have made a mistake now, and Avram Avinu on both sides. First, he says it's because it's hard to juggle."
It's hard, and this happens very often in life. It's hard to juggle what's actually going on. So Avraham Avinu says, 'Sara Imena, I never meant to hurt you. She's all yours.' Wait a second, that's your wife. You can't just turn her back into being a shifcha. You can't just allow Sara Imena to go back to treating her like a shifcha. You can't watch her run away to the desert and not say anything. The Ramban, Chas Shalom. I would never say anything against the Avos, but the Ramban is saying something for us to learn here. And what happens? Eventually, she dabbles to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, and now it's fascinating. What's the child's name? Get it? The whole thing is about are you listening? Because Hashem Baruch Hu heard what Avram Avinu didn't hear.
You did an excellent job. That's good classroom participation. Your ADHD is highly recognized. I want to say a small thing just to finish this off. Girls, you're preparing for marriage. That's what you're doing. That's not a bracha. That's an avodah. Although you need se'ir to d'smaya, so I'm asking. It needs an I mean. You know what's happening every single day here in Tomer Devora? We're living out the opportunity to actually listen to each other. Every fight that you've had with a roommate this year about the temperature in the room. Every time you've had a fight about your being too loud in the dorms at night.
The amazing thing is nobody told me that. I just know. When somebody's up at two o'clock in the morning, keeping other people up, that's arrogant. It's one thing for someone else to be awake. It's another thing to keep other people awake. That means you're taking up too much space. One second, and the opposite is also true. Those people that don't know how to listen carefully to what other people are saying and to hear the pain that's underneath the behavior—that's also a chisaron. There's a reason that people behave the way they behave. Because remember, everybody in this room, including myself, we're all playing charades. We're all acting out the things that we don't know how to articulate in words. Children misbehave not because they're bad. Children misbehave because they don't know how to say what's actually going on inside of them. And we become adults and we do exactly the same thing. Every one of us has an obligation to listen carefully to each other. Blessed Hashem, if we work on this midah of actually listening to each other, we should be zaych tamblev shalom bayis.
Is this shiur filed in the wrong place? Let us know.