Lech Lecha - Leaving Your Home To Find Yourself

2:20 It's okay to come be friends. You can always sit back. The famous drasha that I don't need to give you because everybody's giving you is lecha doesn't just mean leave and go to Eretz Israel but what is lecha means go to yourself. This is Avram Avinu being told to involve himself in self discovery. And then they say in order to have this journey of self discovery, you have to leave it all behind. You have to leave behind your country, your community, and your family. And I am going to say this in a very strong way, only to get your attention. But if you actually think about that message, there is something horrifying. Something tragic, something deeply psychologically debilitating about that message. There is a. There's a phrase that people say today, and it's a phrase that has a lot of truth, but also a lot of sheker.

3:25 Say you can't love another until you love yourself, right? You grew up hearing that. The hat to le'echa kamocha. First, you have to love yourself, and then you could love another. I'm sure in seminary it comes with some sheir about codependency, about being firmly rooted in yourself before you could share your life with somebody else. There's something very, very false about that statement Because you do not exist in a vacuum. You are, in so many ways, the capacity to love was a gift that you were given by others. You can't magically learn to love yourself. That doesn't exist. There's no such thing as somebody who's born and loves themselves. That's a skill. That's something that you're taught. It's something that's been invested in you. Let's do a quick exercise. Do a quick exercise. Don't do it out loud. Just think to yourself. And if this brings up a little bit of pain, that's okay.

4:29 Who were the people that loved you into being? Take a moment. Think about the people. I'm sorry. I just get a little bit distracted. It's my fault, really. Who are the people in your life that told you it's okay? It's not for us. This siren has nothing to do with reality. Let's just keep learning. I'll give you an example of this. It's going to be okay. Let's take a second to think about the following case. You're confronting something exceptionally vulnerable. Like a first date. That's not a small thing. You're about to introduce yourself to somebody. And if you really think about what that means, if you really think about what it means to introduce yourself to somebody, it's a very daunting task. It's a very tall order. It means that there's someone you have no idea who they are. You've heard about them. You've agreed to go out on a date.

5:59 But there's a sense of I'm going to slowly, carefully, but with some degree of vulnerability, build trust with you. It means. You're somebody I'd like to share my world with. And see how that goes Because you can't marry somebody if they don't know who you are And obviously vice versa. So what does it mean when you see these couples on a date? It's It can be very uncomfortable if you ever I'm a person who actually enjoys uncomfortable things. If for me, a good time is if you're somewhere and it's clear that there's a first date going on. I really like watching it. I'm not listening in on their conversation. But it's so awkward, especially if it's going poorly. Because they're trapped there together for a finite amount of time. And I just think that's amazing. I think that's so funny. But even if it's not going poorly, even if it's like that uncomfortable first date dance of like, you say something, he says something, you say something, he says something, and it's like, okay, it was kind of going. You have to unpack it after the date, like all the girls sit down in their apartment and discuss it, like how was it? He said this. I don't know exactly what he meant. I'd like to learn more about this. I kind of felt comfortable. I'm not sure if I felt comfortable. There were times I felt very comfortable. Times I felt less comfortable.

7:29 By the way, guys don't do that. You know how guys come back to their dreams after the date. They go, how was it? That was the whole thing. They move on. There's no unpacking of the date. But the idea that you're exposing yourself to somebody This is somebody that maybe on a tenth date or an eleventh date you're going to say something in your life that was really hard. You're going to introduce yourself. And vulnerability is the birthplace of connection. Where did you get the courage to do that? Where did you get the courage to get dressed up? Show up, stand on the corner of whatever it is in Stern, and be there. I'm Shandy, right, like doing that awkward, are you Yaakov? I'm Shandy. You're waiting for Sarah. I think she's down the block, right Like. It's an it's an awkward thing. I've been there. It's an uncomfortable one.

8:24 Are you Yaakov? No. Down there. It's like a meat market in the city. Where'd you get the courage to do that? Or even take something simple like this year. This year has a tremendous amount of vulnerability. You got on a plane. Let's think about what you did. You traveled six thousand miles. And you introduced yourself to a group of girls that you knew nothing about. You're like, hi. Want to like. Go through a really uncomfortable process of transitioning into adulthood together, and all of you were like, 'No, I'd like to pretend to be somebody that I'm not until I see who you really are, and then maybe I'll introduce myself.' Where'd you get the courage to step on that plane? There are people. Did anyone here not go to sleepaway camp ever? Nice. Good. So a lot of people. So you were one of the people who didn't go to sleepaway camp. Do you mind if I pick on you for a second?

9:39 Um. What was it like coming here? But you had never done that transition before. No I'm not saying in a bad way. I'm just saying. That means that, despite the fact that you had never done it before On some level, you were able to say, "I can do this," right? Anyone here who didn't go to sleepaway camp thinking to themselves, I don't know if I could do this. Must have been really hard to do that. It was. It is, right? Good for you. But it's sometime in November, right? I don't know what the exact date is, but it's sometime in November, and not only is it not December, it's November. November second. Doesn't really matter. So, and now on November second, not only are you capable of saying out loud in front of a group of people that it was hard But you're capable of saying. It remains hard, and it's still hard to do that right now.

10:55 Where'd you get the courage to do that from? I think you just can't hold it in. You have to get out, or it's just gonna bother. I forgot we're living in a therapeutic. We're living in a therapeutic world. I forgot. Listen, my feelings are not mine to own. It's part of my journey, and I'd like to share that journey with the world. It needs to come up. And guys are like, "Why do you have to talk about everything?" Anyway, it's a totally different world. But the truth of the matter is, it takes a tremendous amount of courage. I don't believe that it's because it's so psychologically compelling that it needed to come out. In fact, I'm sure there are lots of girls that would probably agree with you. This is still better together. Good. You go, girl. Right. Do your thing. Share it with the world. Right.

11:45 It does feel good, but again, that also takes courage to know that it feels good. Because there are a lot of girls in this room that are experiencing the same thing as you, and they also know intellectually that it would feel good to say something like that, but they're not going to do it. And that's a tremendous gift that you've been given. Don't thank me. I'm not the one that gave it to you. But the question is, who gave it to you? Because you did not grow up like that. You did not grow up, and this is very important. You were not born into a world where you were capable of going hinei. You're not born into a world where you're capable of going here. I am, and I'm fine. Nobody is like that. It's an amazing thing when you have children as a parent and you have to send them off to their first day of school.

12:32 Because normally, what will a child do? Even confident children, what do they do? They cry. They cling to their mother's skirts. It's their separation anxiety. I remember when my son was by I don't remember her first name. I remember her last name. He was by this mora when he was two years old. He was a two-year-old guy. He was a tiny little boy. And it was nearing the end of the year. And he was acting out a lot. And I was talking to the mora, and she said to me, "I think it's because he knows that we're coming to the end of the year, and he's getting nervous about leaving." And I said to her. He's two. He's not nervous about leaving. He's just two. And she's like, "No, I really—that's not my experience. I've been working with two-year-olds for this." She had this gone forever, and she's like, "I'm telling you, every year at the end of the year, we start to prepare them. We start to transition them. Soon you're going to be going to three-year-old gone, and you see that they start to act out."

13:37 That's crazy. Even a two-year-old kid is aware of their vulnerability. It's not an easy thing to leave. Are you going to be okay? Will I be able to do this? I'm being very honest with you. I'm really wondering whether or not I should keep my son in the school that he's in. He's only five and a half. But there's a part of me, if I'm being very real and honest with you, that I'm a little concerned about switching him to a new school next year because I'm a little concerned about him having to go through a transition again. He knows these kids and this building now that he's been in. Going to a new building with new kids and making new friends might not be so easy for him. Transitions are really hard. And yet there are people who loved us into being, and they gave us the courage to do these things.

14:23 And some of the girls asked me about the podcast. I don't know exactly what I said. The reason I don't know exactly what I said is because I was in a state of panic the entire time that we were recording the podcast. I was having massive levels of anxiety. And they had put out water And it's on Spotify, I wouldn't have cared, but it's also on YouTube. And I don't know if anybody actually watches the YouTube one, but I have a tremor in my hand. It's no big deal, but I've had it for a very long time. If I'm nervous, the water will be flying all over the place. Several times my throat was really parched because for an hour and twenty minutes you're just talking straight. I went to reach for the cup of water and pulled my hand back because I for sure would have thrown the water all over the place.

15:15 And the reason I was in such a state of anxiety is because they told me that the average podcast will get like fifty thousand listens. Now I'm okay speaking to a couple hundred people. I've done that before. That's, you know, I can get up in front of two or three hundred people. Maybe I could get up in front of four or five hundred people. But fifty thousand people is a lot of people. That's a lot of people to sit in judgment of you. And let's be honest, we're kind of all sitting in judgment of each other. After I give a good she'er in NCSY Kollel, kids will come over to me and go, "Great she'er, Rabbi." You know what that means? It means when they don't, they go, "Eh," you know. They walk out. How was it? Eh, wasn't really for me. Not my style. Not my type. Like people are always sitting, and that's okay. People are always sitting. Nobody's being judgmental, but we're in a state of judging.

16:01 I had a rebbe in Shalvim who told me this. Every time he gets up to give mussar in the yeshiva, he feels like he's being evaluated by the boys. So he wants to say to them, maybe instead of evaluating me, listen to the mussar. But if he says that Then they're going to be evaluating him about the mussar that he's giving, about the evaluation. So he feels like he's stuck because he can't get them to stop evaluating. You are evaluating me right now. By the way, I'm evaluating you right back. So you know, we're even. But the difference is I can only go home and talk about you to one person. You girls can go to the dorms and everybody could talk about me. Richard Joel was the president of YU. And before he took the job, he said to his wife, he's like, we will be, I will be, the object of a tremendous amount of lashon hara at Shabbos tables all across America, because everybody's going to talk about, is he doing a good job in YU? Is he not doing a good job in YU? And his wife said to him, and this is an amazing line, she said, yeah, but you're only sitting at one, and it's the only one that matters.

17:02 I love this place. So predictable. It's exceptionally vulnerable. In the podcast, they were talking to me. They asked me about my upbringing, and I kept talking about my parents. And that was a very calming thing. Those were the people that loved me into being. And afterwards, as soon as the podcast was over, I realized that I had spent so much time talking about my parents with such admiration, so I called my mother and I said to her, 'I just want to say thank you for everything you did.' And she was like, "I'm at a wedding now. I can't speak. Go have your emotional moments some other time." She hung up on me. But it's true. We loved ourselves. And we didn't love ourselves into being. We were loved into being. I'm betting right now, even as you're thinking of it, you're thinking of a teacher, or a minahelat, a principal, or parents, or siblings, or a best friend that was there with you no matter what, that accepted you no matter what, that you could be your absolute self with. Those people gave you a tremendous gift.

18:06 Are you really telling me that the path to finding yourself comes from leaving those people? That lech lecha means that if you really want to be yourself, leave your parents. Leave your homes, leave the communities that you grew up in. Is that what it means? Should we all leave? Where are you from? Should you leave Muncie? Should you leave the five towns? Maybe yes, but should you leave? I'm sorry. That was a very intense Muncie look right there. Thank you. And not—it's not Muncie. I love Muncie. You can live on many acres of land. Is that what it means? I have to leave LA. I have to leave Chicago. I have to leave these wonderful communities. Again, yes. I have to leave these really wonderful Jewish communities that I grew up in to find myself. Doesn't that sound perverse? I think that's so sad. I think that so many of us grew up with that shmuhs, and to me that sounds horrifying. It does sound like what the Torah says: Avram Avinu to become the first Jew had to leave it all behind. So maybe you'll say, Avram Avinu had to leave it behind because his parents were idolaters. So if your father is Terach and he's an idolater. By the way, just to be clear, idolatry doesn't mean like that you're bowing down to idols. People murdered in the name of idolatry. People sacrificed their children to the gods of fire.

19:21 For Terach was a bad person. This wasn't just some he had like a mistaken hashkafa. He did really bad things, evil things. So maybe you'll say, Avraham Avinu had to leave the house of an idolater. Avraham Avinu had to leave that neighborhood, that community, because it wasn't a Jewish community. There was no misaskim. There was no chavirim. There was no hatsulu in his neighborhood. They didn't have all the organizations. So he had to leave his neighborhood. He had to leave his country. But of course, we should not do that. But that's also like, what does that mean? Avraham Avinu had a journey that has nothing to do with us. Could it be that the Torah would tell us something that's completely irrelevant to our lives? Can't be. Doesn't make any sense. So what is the deeper message here? I'd like to share with you a different approach.

20:13 Of course It goes without saying that you have an incredible amount of gratitude to your parents, to your communities, and to your countries, and there's no doubt that you're shaped by them. You talk in yeshiva. I see the British guys. The British guys are very different than the Americans. And even within America, the L.A. Guys are different than the Chicago guys, who are different than the New York guys. There is no doubt that we're shaped by our environment. It's not a bad thing. But the problem is that we all have triggers that we are unaware of. You ever have a conversation with somebody where you think you didn't say anything wrong, and all of a sudden That person completely loses themselves. You ever have a conversation like that How could you say that? I don't understand. Don't you understand? Don't you understand the pain of these people?

21:09 What just happened? Where? Where did you? I'm not sure about the minefield I just stepped on, but it clearly feels like we're in post-traumatic stress disorder, post-Vietnam. This person is having terrible flashbacks. You ever have that deep trigger where they just go off? That trigger comes from somewhere. That trigger is not an accident. It's generally because what you said triggered in this person from their upbringing a feeling of 'I'm not enough,' a feeling of 'I'm not okay.' And here's the thing. You were a person before any of those triggers. Who are you? What does it mean to be a you? What's you? Who's the you that I'm talking to right now? Who's the me that you're listening to? Now the problem is that we tend to say something like this: How can we have a relationship with God if I can't see Him? You ever hear that before? How can you have a relationship with someone that you can see?

22:15 Because sometimes it's possible. Not only sometimes. I would say 99% of the time. It's possible to get stuck in the way that a person looks and not in who a person is. For example Was a young woman who came over to me many years ago And in the process of sharing some things about her journey She shared with me a I wouldn't call it a frustration. It was much more painful than that. It was a real source of deep wounding for her. That she felt she was being stared at, ogled, and looked at in uncomfortable ways on the street. And she shared with me I don't know if you know what that's like Just to be someone walking down the street, and people's heads are turning and watching you. I am not an object. I am a person. But she's being defined. She's being objectified. She's being defined by how she looks, not by who she is. In fact, how she looks is getting in the way of who she is. Does that make sense? We would never logically define someone by their physical self.

23:29 One of my closest friends lost his leg to cancer. Would we say that he's less of a person because he doesn't have a leg? Of course not. We would never treat someone like their physical self. So who's the you? If you are not your physical self, who's the you? The answer is that there's a piece of God in you. It's the piece of God right now that's speaking to you, and you're the piece of God that's listening to me. We're housed, we're encased in this very important physical matter, so that we can bring godliness down into the physical world. But God forbid for us to mistake who we really are. Are we really our physical self, or are we really our spiritual self? Of course, the true person is the spiritual self. That doesn't mean that the outer casing is not important, but it's not your ultimate definition. Does that make sense?

24:17 And logically, you know that. And that's why the physical self can even change When we say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, we really mean it. I'll give you an example. I'm sure nobody in this room is friends with any guys, nor has ever been friends with any guys. I bet you've never spoken to a guy. Like a person that's not your gender in your life, except for maybe your brother, and one time when your brother brought home a friend and you just said good Shabbos to be polite. I'm sure you've never had a conversation with any guy, but judging by the smirks on about 50% of your faces right now, I'm gonna bet that's not true. I don't want to say it out loud, but for all of you who just smirked right now, welcome to my world. I'm talking to you, yeah. But even to the girls who I'm speaking to everybody. Let's just be honest.

25:09 The guy you said nothing would ever happen with. I'm not even attracted to him. He's like my brother. It would be the weirdest thing in the world. It would be incest. We're family. Our moms are best friends. Nothing could ever happen to us. The moment where you all of a sudden started thinking about him differently. That was very fun. I want you to know. Y'all just betrayed yourself in very serious fashions. Can I share with you what your faces look like? You're like this. That was a lot of fun to watch. When did he go from being like Ross to being like Ross? When did he? You did it again. How do you know that show? That's from my time, not from yours. Get off of Netflix. You know what happens? You built a relationship with him. He was this really nice guy, and what do you think happens over time if a guy is going to be really nice to you?

26:22 He may actually start to look different. And all of a sudden, the guy who you weren't attracted to at all, you're like I could see it. Maybe all of a sudden, and then all of a sudden, it's like every time the wind blows, it whispers the name. Like what happened? Because you built a relationship. You saw him for who he really is. There was a shmuhs many years ago given by a rasha shiva. I was in this shmuhs. It was a pretty wild shmuhs. This rasha shiva, whenever he would prepare, he would give over like very sophisticated deep Torah, and whenever he didn't prepare, the shir was awesome. So we were always waiting for when he would not prepare a shiur because the shmooz would be hysterically funny because he'd just be speaking from his heart. So one time, one of the guys got up and asked him right before he gave the shmooz. He said, "Rebbe, could we talk about dating?"

27:07 So he was totally unprepared for it and he was saying some wild things. And I remember he said he was a big rasha shiva. He's like, 'Look, if she's a four, she's probably not going to become an eight. But if she's a six, she could become an eight.' The whole place was dying of laughter. But every guy afterwards was going "Yeah, but don't listen Don't judge. You do it too. Maybe you don't put us on the number scale, but like every girl's like, 'it's not really my type.' But then at some point you're like, 'Maybe, right? What changed?' Because when you get to know the true someone, the physical self could actually change. That's why sometimes when you meet somebody's husband, you're like, 'Really? I thought she would have done better.'" Now you don't say these things out loud. You look very shocked. But you'll do it too. Everyone does.

28:04 But you're not going to feel that way about your husband because to you, you'll have seen who he really is, and you'll really look at him very differently. And that's a beautiful thing. Wouldn't want anyone to look at him the way you look at him, because you've built a relationship with him, and there are people who are like physically what you would like to put on a scorecard. But you know this. I'm betting you know this. There are some people that physically, objectively, like are very good looking until they open their mouth. Think about the arrogant guy Right? You know that guy, like he's. When I say the arrogant guy, I mean like the disgustingly arrogant guy. You know I'm talking about. And officially, it's like everybody knows his name, right? And then you meet him, and he opens his mouth, and you're like I don't want to be anywhere near you. You're gross. And then it's almost like his physically beautiful features are Not for me, right? What changed? Because you met him.

29:05 You're you before you were any of the things. You're you before you were any of the things that you were introduced to. Like, and this again, this a radically Jewish concept. In the world today, they tell you what you are. You're a product of your upbringing. You're a product of your upbringing. Isn't that true? You're a product of your upbringing. Where'd you grow up? Montreal. I know nothing about Montreal. I need to choose somebody else. Where'd you grow up? L. A. Perfect. I know L. A. Valley or city? City. So you think you're better than people in the valley? I'm right in the middle. You're right in the middle. Westwood, right? But if you were from Pico, you know what you would think about people in the valley. And so. You're in the valley. And you know that people look down on you. Honestly, you look down a little bit on yourself.

30:00 You're like a self-hating valley girl. I love the valley. Who said that? I actually love the valley. That's very cute. Valley people defend themselves. They're like the valley's really better. That's strong. Sure, that's great. They And your parents are hail from your mother. Let's start from where? Iran. Iran and Persia. And today in the world of psychology They would say you are first generation. First generation American. So if a sociologist or a psychologist was studying you today, they would say something like this. They would say. We've studied what happens when people have immigrant parents. But you are first generation American, so you probably had to explain things culturally to your parents. I know that in Iran this is the way it was done, but we're living here in LA now, and things are a little bit different. You have to let me out of my cage and let me do my thing.

31:09 And living in LA, living between neither the Valley nor the city, living in Westwood, I'm sure that you have a certain type of community that influenced who you are, and certainly growing up in your parents' home and eating your mother's food and having all the cultural things that come along with being in your family's home. Those shaped you. And that's what's critical. All those things were amazing gifts, but you were you before any of those things. If you believe in the notion of a soul, then what you're saying is, I am a me before I'm that. Of course, that piece of clay was molded in my parents' home. It was influenced by community. It was shaped by the country that I live in. Of course. But none of those things are you. Which means that you are capable of being an individual, and that's something today that's so important. I'll get to one second. Just because otherwise we don't believe that we have choice.

32:05 What do you want from me? This is how I grew up. I was. I'm an American. I'm not from England, right? I'm an American. I'm not from Canada, right? Like What is going on over there? You know what I'm saying? Nobody understands why you exist. It's like you're North America. There's a feeling today that I'm defined by all these things that have nothing to do with me. I'm not capable of choosing. You're a you before you are any of those things. What was your comment, question, or reaction? And that one second, and that's the punchline. That's exact. Perfect. Thank you so much for saying that. That's exactly the punchline. The punchline is this. Lech lecha means not chas v'shalom. Leave your family to become yourself. That's a tragedy. But you have to know who you are. And what's the influenced version of you? Because every one of us has those triggers inside of us because of the places that we grew up.

33:16 For example I know that this may be hurtful to some of you, so just hang in there with me. I was the same way when I was your age. I know that at least for some of you, Israeli culture feels rude. Like really rude If you're waiting in line. And you just get knocked over by an Israeli woman or guy, and get out of my way because I need to get there first. And you look and you're like That was disgusting. It wasn't. I know I just hurt some people, so just hanging there with me. That was cultural. That was a cultural thing. It's not a question of politely waiting in line. The culture here is to be very aggressive. Israelis are not angry at each other. I know it sounds like they're angry because their faces are red and they're screaming at each other.

34:13 But they're not angry. I'll share with you. I don't know if you know this, but I was in America for a day and a half. I landed this morning. As soon as the plane landed, everybody turned on their phones. And what was every Israeli checking? What happened in the elections? And all of a sudden, as soon as we landed, as soon as the plane's phones were on, you heard murmurings throughout the entire cabin. How many seats did this one get? How many seats did that one get? BB got the sixty-two, and by the time we got to the carousel, what was that? When you say the wedding There were two weddings. I was in for one of the weddings. You're talking about Benarosh? The other one I was at. I don't know. We'll talk about it privately. Everyone's talking about it. By the time we got to the baggage carousel, Israelis were screaming at each other. I wanted to video it.

35:10 I'm very like that. They're screaming. I wanted to pull out my phone from my pocket and be like "How amazing is this? Send it to Mrs. Trank for her status." Just watching Israelis scream at each other. How could you say that Ben Gvir is good? Don't you understand what's happening to this country? And they're screaming. And then this, and this guy who was like Chiloni was screaming. And then this other Sfaridi guy who was like He was screaming. He's like, just because you don't believe in Hashem doesn't mean that Hashem doesn't exist. And just because you don't believe in the type of jobs that we believe in doesn't mean those jobs aren't important. It's important to be a Rebbe. It's important to be a Sofer. And they're screaming at each other at the baggage carousel. I don't even want to get my baggage. I just want to watch the show. If somebody gave me popcorn That would be everything.

35:57 And when they left, when they got their bags, they were fine. It was like all of a sudden, okay, see you later. I remembered. I'm like, oh right, they're not angry. They're fine. They just like screaming at each other because that's what happens in the Middle East. That's a cultural difference. But you are not your culture. You are not your culture. You are not even only limited. And this is why it goes in reverse order. The first thing a person has to examine is how much of me is me because I grew up in America. How much of me is me because I grew up in Israel? How much of me is me because I grew up north of America? How much is me because I grew up in LA or in Chicago or wherever. Then the next step How much of me is me because of the community that I grew up in? And you start to unpack that And you start to say to yourself something like this: Well, I was brought up in the Bais Yaakov system, right? And, well, come.

37:01 I loved it or I didn't like it, right? And then you have, because you start to, how much of yourself is being reactionary to the system that you grew up in? That's not a simple question. How much of your worldview is shaped by the fact that you didn't like the school that you went to, or that you didn't like the community that you grew up in, or that you did? That's not a small thing to know And then you take that, and once you've gotten those two layers out of the way, you go deep into Gehenna, and you start to ask yourself, okay, what was my upbringing like? No doubt I have amazing parents. No doubt that my parents loved me. No doubt that they were a beautiful family, and yet were probably a family that experienced no shortage of pain in our lives. I'm sure there were seminal events in all of your families and all of your lives that shaped the way that your families are. Maybe your parents were baalei tshuva.

37:58 Maybe there was a tragedy at some point. There were things that happened, and on some level, you could start to identify yourself as like, I'm the child of this And that's not true. You're not limited to yourself. You're not limited to that notion of okay, I grew up in this family, so this is me. For sure, you're influenced, and of course, you don't leave your family to discover yourself. But on some level, you must step away and ask yourself Am I just acting this out? Am I acting out this life of this narrative that I've told myself? And I think that's what the deeper message of Avraham Avinu is. I think the deeper message of Avraham Avinu is like this: It wasn't that Avraham Avinu left Terach because Terach was an idolater. Didn't leave his community because they were terrible, and he didn't travel to a new country because he couldn't be a Jew there. In fact, we know that Avraham Avinu, not so long after he arrived in Eretz Yisrael, had to leave to go to Mitzrayim. Anywhere you go, you're a Jew.

39:04 The question is, who are you? Who's the real you? This year. Has a duality to it. It's a duality that I want you to consider very strongly, and we'll finish with this. On some level, you've acted like Avraham Avinu. You've left it all behind. But on another level, you've entered into a new thing called Tomer Devora And Tomer Devora is an influence. Tomer Devora is a force. The girls, the Rebaim, the Mechanchot, the Rakazot, the Hanhala. Everybody here is influencing, and that's okay. That's not a bad thing. But I want to caution you. As beautiful as the influence is As important as the influences are, you should, because these are smart people, strongly consider the things that are being said to you and ask yourself: Are these things I want to integrate into my life? You should also be exceptionally careful. Because if you lose yourself If you lose yourself.

40:11 To what other people tell you, if you forget how to listen to your own voice, if you forget how to access your own sense of self Then something very tragic has happened. This is the danger of the chinuch system. The chinuch system is amazing because we're teaching you Torah, and that's great. But you could begin to say, something like, "Yeah, my life began in Torah devarim." No, it didn't. This is another stage of influence in your life. It's an awesome opportunity to consider who you are. But yes, even within the world of Torah Devora, there's some degree of stepping back that you have to say and say okay This is an important influence in my life. But I have to think about who's the me in this system. Who am I? How am I negotiating with this system? It's not taking everything that we tell you and saying this is the word of God. You have your own head.

41:03 And you can think for yourself, and you should question. You should, in a certain sense, step back and leave, so that you can discover how you think about these things. Just because somebody got up and said something doesn't mean that right away you have to accept it. There's a process, and it's an important process, and it's a dangerous process if you're not careful. And that's why it's very important to be in psychologically healthy systems. It's important for you to put your own children into psychologically healthy systems. Systems that know that by definition, when a rebbe gets up in front of a class and he says something, girls might, by dint of his charisma, go, 'Oh, that makes sense. That makes sense.' Maybe it doesn't though. Ask yourself, is this me? Challenge. Make sure that you are not losing yourself to the influences around you, whether they be country, community, or even family. Girls, have a wonderful Shabbos.