Chapters
Transcript
Automatic transcript; may contain mistakes, especially in Hebrew.
We have a very special mishmar. It's not often, in fact, it's very rare, that a Talmud at such a young age is already able to put out such a special sefer. Ezra showed me this project already last year. Everybody knows Ezra is such an unbelievably growth-oriented person. What none of us knew is that he wasn't just listening to his rebbeim's shmuzen and shirim and personal growth, and perhaps we also didn't know how much he was working within himself to actually actualize this growth. Ezra was doing something even more than that.
Esrael was taking all of his growth, and he wanted to make it tangible. He wanted to turn it into a sefer, and he wrote the most exceptionally beautiful sefer. It's a compilation of things that he heard from his rebbeim, of things that he worked on in himself, things that he learned. I was reading the sefer when he sent it to me. It's a very profound sefer. It's not a sefer that one would expect an 18-year-old to be able to write. Of course, it's not shocking to us that Ezra is the one that wrote it. It's a big schos. It's a big schos for our yeshiva. Ezra didn't do this on his own. He did it together with everybody in our beis medrash. It's part of a culture of being part of the growth-oriented chevra.
Read the full transcript
Tonight we're celebrating Ezra. We're celebrating Ezra Sefer. We're celebrating the Sefer that every single one of us has inside of ourselves that we've yet to write. I know that this is becoming a trend. It should become an even bigger trend. Last year, when Neufeld and Breda wrote a Sefer already in high school, we don't need that in our Yeshiva. The Rebbe already answered it. I was nespal that young men weren't just taking in Torah, but they were turning it into a sefer. That's the right thing to do. Every one of us is machuiy to write our own sefer Torah. Maybe one pshat in writing our own sefer Torah is bringing out the Torah that we have inside of ourselves. And now Ezra is doing it. It's an obligation for all of us to find our own sefer within ourselves. There's a number of young men this year that I know that are working on a sefer. Also, this is Hashem the first sefer that's going to be published this year.
But not the last. Tash v'shalom. Ezra is leading the charge as always. I want to say that there's a beautiful expression of chas v'shatayra that came from Rav Leizer Yudel Finkel, a chesedik the kaddish of bracha was the rosh yeshiva. Boys used to come to Rav Leizer Yudel and they used to tell him a pshat, and he used to give them money for the pshat that they said. They would come up with a chiddush, with something novel, an insight that they had, and he would pay them money. And Rav Leizer Yudel used to say, "You have to know how to pay for the goods. I want you to know this sefer; it's so good, I already bought two copies. You have to know how to pay for the goods. This sefer is going to be on sale in the back of the shul after Mishmar. Everybody should have the opportunity to buy."
I want you to know it's money well spent. It's money well spent on every single possible level. Of course, to support our friend in writing his first sefer, Ezra is going to be publishing many more bezhashem. You're going to be able to say, when Ezra's, Rav Ezra, that thousands of talmidim are talking about. You're going to be able to say, what do you mean? I bought the first copy. I have a first printing. First of all, stam, you're lucky. You're getting it. You're getting it right here, right now. So easy to buy. And also, it's not just the hakara, the chasivus of the Torah, but it's also our friend. What could be more beautiful than to buy a sif? Some people like to buy svarim. Of course, it's beautiful to buy svarim from the rishayim and the achrayim. Who would not have a chidusher of chayim on their shelves? Who wouldn't have a mashiloch on their shelves? Who would have luchute sichas on their shelves? Who wouldn't have a ritva and a rashba? Of course.
But to have the sfarim of our friends on our shelves, that's the real tayr. That's the tayr of our chaverim. Charlie, Nathan, I don't know if you know this. I keep your sapher next to my bed because it's my friend's sapher. It's in my room. That's my friend's sapher. I have sfarim downstairs on the sfarim shank. I have your sapher in my room. Ezra, your sapher is going to be in my room. You're somebody that I look up to and I admire, and I'm zayecha to call you a friend. So every one of us, we have the opportunity to not just buy the sefer because it's unbelievable and you'll gain so much from it, but to have your friends sefer and to learn from your friends sefer, and hopefully, blessed Hashem, to publish your own this year and start writing your own chidush haTorah. I don't want to call him out because I don't know if he's in the room, and I don't want to embarrass him, but I think he's here. Cap, you here? Is that you? I can't see in the darkness.
I want you to know, Cap. Everybody knows Cap's a tremendous master and a very special person. Cap left me last Thursday night a 15-minute voice message on my WhatsApp. I hope that's already being shared as a podcast. 15 minutes. It's hard for me to find 15 minutes. I don't want to listen on double speed, especially not to Cap. He has so much to say. So many. And I and he left me the most stunning, unbelievable voice message. He said, "Cap, you have Torah like this. You got to write it down." He said, "I have so much. Cap's going to write a sefer this year. We're going to be buying Cap's sefer before the end of the year." Now I laid down the gauntlet. You have to pass. Without further ado, I want to introduce Rav Ezra to share with us words of chizuk that we should be ze'icha b'ezras Hashem to take in and to be inspired by the growth of Ezra.
First of all, I just want to thank Hashem, obviously, for giving me the opportunity. Thank my rebbeim. I know Steinert is here, Reberg, for giving me the opportunity to do this, to give me a platform. I didn't prepare so much. That's only going to be a few minutes, but hopefully, I could get the point across. So to start off, I'm going to explain how I got the name of the sefer, and then hopefully, I could get a message across to every, to each and every one of you. Here that I think is very powerful. The name of the sefer is Anili, and where does that come from? It comes from the Mishnah on Pirkei Avos, Parak Aleph, Mishnah Yedaleh, from the words of Hillel. Yemei Anili Milu Ukshaani Laas Mimani Vimo Akshav Emesai. What does that mean? Means if I'm not for myself, then who will be for me? And if I'm only for myself, then what am I? And if not now, then when? In Shaan Aleph, I would say about halfway through the year.
I was going through Pirkei Avos with Rabbi Yona, and I was going through it. Once I got to this Mishnah, Mishnah Yedalid, I was thinking deeply about what that meant. I stopped. I took a few days and just contemplated what that Mishnah was talking about because it hit me for some reason. What I think it meant was, and to this day I still think that's what it means: what does it mean to focus on the first part of the Mishnah? We may not eat mealy, meaning at least what I think is the only person that could—you're the only person that could take acharis for yourself. That's the start, right? No one else is gonna go into your life on a deep enough level that they're gonna start contemplating your decisions for you. They're gonna start making life choices for you. That's only up to you. And the real truth is you have to figure out who you are. You have to contemplate why am I, what are your habits, why am I doing these habits, and you have to really think.
An attack from the roots, so that way you can figure out who you are. Around halfway through Shana Aleth, once I got to this mission, I thought about it for a few days and I came up with a question to myself. I saw that I was reverting back to my old habits, nothing good to say the least, that I would do in high school, bad character traits. And I came up with this question to myself. I said, if everyone says yeshiva, you have one or two years. If you're zokher more, that's amazing. But usually, the average person has one to two years of yeshiva, and everyone says that yeshiva is a year of growth. No one can take that away from you. You're never going to get this again. You hear time and time again from your family, from your friends, that you only really have yeshiva. Not only have yeshiva, but yeshiva is the time to build yourself up and to find out who you are. The question I had to myself is: At the time, my shir was going well, learning was going well, friends were going well, everything was going well.
But I never saw change, so I was questioning myself. I was saying, if Torah is being Torah is going well, if learning is going well, then why aren't I changing? Why haven't I seen a big change? I'm still reverting back to these old habits. So I thought about this for a few days. I took a lot of time to think about this question and I came up with an answer. And it has a very deep message that I think everyone here, it's Shayah for everyone to listen to. To start, when at least I experienced this, when a person goes back, and the Shon Aluf guys will see this, when they go back to America for the first time after being in yeshiva, or even when you call your mom on the phone, call your dad on the phone, call your friends on the phone, the first question they always ask you is, what do you do in yeshiva? And I'm not talking about the external stuff. I'm not talking about how you played in your intermural's game, or how your Shabbos was, or the tefillim. I'm talking about in yeshiva. What do you do in yeshiva? And the truthful.
And pretty much the only answer, unfortunately, is we learn. We have a 15 plus hour day. We obviously have breaks, but for the majority of that day, we learn, and we learn. We do chazara, an iyan, the kiyis. We learn. We want to learn a mussar sefer. That's amazing. We're constantly learning. But the mistake that I think I'm going to point out is I don't think we think that when you sit down and learn Torah that's going to change you. That's sitting down and learning and just taking information in and not really thinking about it. That's going to change you as a person. So if you're a person who's very quick to get angry or very impatient, you think at least the way I see it, I don't think learning a daf kumara is just going to change your character traits like that. I think the mistake that we're making is that people think, I'm going to learn Torah. Give me time, I'm going to learn Torah. But you have to take responsibility now. And the end of that mishnah, lo akshav emesai.
You have a chiyuv to start now. You have a chiyuv to not wait around and not sit around. You start today. You don't push it off till tomorrow. Torah isn't something that's just going to change your life, change the way you act. Torah is an amplifier and it's a magnifier. It brings out who that person is in their current state, and it magnifies it so that it becomes more expansive. Learning is amazing, but if we don't take time to think and to question, to examine our habits, to examine our motivations, and to figure where our values are really at, then we can spend years learning without understanding who's actually doing that learning. We can spend ten plus years learning, and we don't even know who's actually learning, which is a big issue. But once someone thinks about their values and why they're doing certain things, then the Torah is going to magnify that. But until that, we're feeding Torah to someone we don't even know. This shows up a lot in our daily lives. A quick example: when let's say.
For example, your friend's doing something. Your friend, common example, someone switches. He switches to Yerim, right? And you talk to him. You go, 'How's it going?' He goes, 'Oh, it's amazing. It's so much better than my old Sheer.' You should come. So the guy goes, 'Yeah, I should come.' And he switches, just like that. Or that's just a very extreme example. But there are other examples, many times like this, where a guy goes out for dinner and doesn't go and misses a night seder. He's like, come, and you don't even think about it. Oftentimes in our daily lives, we're so unconscious of our decisions, which is a big issue because we're not actually living our own life. We're just obtaining someone else's lifestyle, which is obviously not good. But when you do deep thinking, you become more cautious of your daily decisions and your direction that you want to go in, your approach in things. And at least for me, once I started to understand why I'm doing certain things.
And I advise everyone to go outside, sit on a bench, no music, no phone, just think for 15 minutes about why you're the only one. There's nothing to be scared of to be true to yourself when no one else is around. So there's no reason to fake it, but to be true to yourself and to understand why am I doing this and attack the roots of it and under and try to maintain the things that you're doing well. It's also important to celebrate the things that you do well because if you don't do that, then that's then a person could chas v'shul and become depressed if he doesn't realize. The stuff that he's doing well, so you have to understand that you're also doing things well. But understand too, and be true to yourself, and attack it from all angles. What am I doing wrong? Why am I doing this wrong? Why am I getting angry all the time? Why am I impatient all the time? Why do I panic when this happens? Why do I? There's a million examples. When a person starts to contemplate these things, he starts to see changes in it, and that's at least what I saw when I started to think about these things. I started to see that I wasn't getting so annoyed at certain things that I would get annoyed at usually.
I would trust in Hashem a little more when something wrong happened, something that didn't go according to my plan. I would say, this is what Hashem wants. And the biggest mistake that one could take away from this is to think that when a person realizes and starts to see these changes, that he became a new person. That's the opposite. You didn't become a new person. You became aware of your current self. You're not a new person. You just open your eyes and you're able to see who you are at that moment. So at least for me, Torah wasn't just something that I didn't realize why I was doing it. It just kept getting stuffed in my head, information, Torah. But once you start to understand and to contemplate these things in your life, and to attack these things at all angles, and to understand your direction, where do I want to be in the next five years? Where do I want to be at the end of my life? What goals do I want to accomplish? Then you start to see the Torah magnifying it.
Everyone has potential. Everyone was put in this world by Hashem for a different reason. You're not in the world for the same reason as your friends, and he's not for the same reason as his friend. Everyone's in the world for their own tafkid, and Hashem has certain expectations for you that He doesn't have for anyone else. But when a person gets deep into these thoughts and he starts actually working on himself and contemplating stuff, then he starts to realize these new ideas and these new methods or new systems that might work for him. But oftentimes we shut that down immediately because it's not socially normal, or it's not what the popular guys are doing, or it's not what these guys are doing. No one's ever done this before. I'm scared. No one's ever done this before. I'm going to look weird. And you get all in your head and you shut it down before you even start. So to be open-minded and to really think about what's MS in your life, and just because something will work for you doesn't mean it'll work for your friend. But take advantage of Hashem gave you a brain, so you should use it to understand.
Why you are in this world, and to fulfill your tafkid, and to understand where you should head in life. There is a deep value in being able to think for yourself, and to not just acquire your friend's lifestyle, but to actually build your own. If we never take the time to figure out who we are, then how are we supposed to ever know who we want to become? If we don't know who we are now, then it's impossible to build a blueprint to who we want to become. And in order to build a blueprint to who we want to become, you have to open your eyes and actually understand who you are now. So I give you all a bracha that we should all be able to think. We should all be able to contemplate things that are ms for us and create systems for us into every little detail should tweak in for the better. And through that, the Torah will magnify all of us, and we should be zokh to see mashiach from here to the end. Amen. Trevor, what do we say? It's not so special. Thank you so much, I really appreciate.
I just also want to highlight very quickly. There's many different dimensions of Torah. Ezra's gifting us tonight with an incredible sefer. That's one type of Torah. I also just want to mention our friend Sam Freedowitz, who also released a type of Torah this week. Very beautiful song. I imagine many of you have heard the song. Next week, blessed Hashem, Raffi and the Sanal are going to perform the song at Mishmar. I'm sorry for putting pressure on you, the Sanal, but it's such a beautiful song. I've been in my house, it's been playing since you released it. It's mamish been playing. So I also just want to recognize that everyone has their song. Some comes out in a sefer. We wrote the most amazing sefer. Nissanel wrote it in a song. But Hashem, we're gonna put the two together. It's going to be mamish the bechina of ata kisla lachem as shira hazayis that the shira that you have in the Sanal should also culminate in your sefer. In the meantime, you mamish gifted us with a beautiful song. I can't wait to sing it with you together next week.
The hour is already very, very late. Really, I have nothing to add from what Ezra said. So I'll just say a very small Torah tonight. A big Torah, but in a small amount of time. Everybody knows that Hakadosh Baruch Hu told Avram Avinu Lecha Me'Arzachom Malad Chomibesavicha, and everybody darshens the same drasha Lecha, go to yourself. They call the Zayin Hakadosh. That the whole point of the journey of life is to rectify yourself, to come into yourself. To reach a level of shleimus, I have nothing to say on this topic. But I have one very simple question that I don't know if I ever saw anyone ask. I think it's a very simple question: How come he couldn't do it in chora? Why do you have to leave? Mali hacham, Mali hasham. I'm over here. I'm over there. I'm still obligated to become myself. Other. If a guy in yeshiva was going to come to me and go.
I really am working on myself. I have to leave where I am in order to work on myself. What would every one of us say? We would say, "Alby, what would we say?" We would say, "What do you mean you have to work on yourself over there? Work on yourself over here. It doesn't matter where you are." So I want to share with you one small idea. Why is it that we are the way we are? So I'll tell you what the chachme psychology says, and I'll show you that really we knew about this way before they did. Imagine you're a child, your child growing up in your home, and your parents who love you tremendously. Your parents tell you, "We want you to be in a certain way." So, Lamasha, let's say you get angry. Children get angry, and a mother or a father come along and go, "You're not allowed to get angry."
So what does a kid do? A kid doesn't know any better. A kid says, "It's not socially acceptable for me to get angry," and they hit mute on a certain part of themselves. They see l'mashal that certain things are celebrated in their home. Let's say you have a child; he's growing up, and he has an older brother who is a tremendous, tremendous academically advanced kid. So what does a little kid learn? A little kid learns that in order for me to be lovable and acceptable to my parents, I need to grow academically. But let's say that kid—he's not the most academic kid. He's great in other areas, but that kid now feels like my parents don't really love me because I'm not shyach to the thing that my parents love. But we're working very hard to gain, and it's understandable. We're working very hard to gain our parents' approval. But what would happen if a child was raised in an environment where there was absolute unconditional love?
Absolute unconditional positive regard. That's the way we grow up, our children are celebrated. That a kid, the same thing when they get angry. Instead of telling a kid, no, you're not allowed to get angry. What would happen if we said to a kid, help me understand what's bothering you? What would happen if we allowed a child to be as they are, and then within that, we taught them what's socially appropriate, as opposed to just shutting down certain things? So I want to tell you what would happen. What would happen is you would raise the most unbelievably healthy children in the world, because a child who grows up and he knows all of me is beloved by my parents, they allow themselves to be their unique selves. People are not able to be their unique selves because we think that if we would actually be our unique self, we would be unacceptable to others. And the truth is, it's just the opposite. We're unacceptable to others because we think that if we would actually be our unique self, we would be unacceptable to others.
Really, within ourselves, we're worried the entire time that if I'm myself, it's not good enough. That's what we're worried about. So imagine you have a guy. We were singing a very beautiful song. I happen to like the chicken and waffles version, but really, Taisus Leficha. It's even better than chicken and waffles. The fact and I don't know if Natanel Kifer is going to hear this. Natanel Kifer is the original Balmunagi of chicken and waffles. But I like Teisus Lefikach. I love it very much. It's a beautiful song. To sing Teisus Lefikach is absolutely stunning. Now we have Etan Donath also joining the band. It's not just Gabe. We also have drums. By the time Mishmar in a couple of years from now is going to be a full orchestra.
I want to tell you a sad thing. It's a sad thing that guys in yeshiva listen to their rebbeim give shir. That's great. They're trying to understand what the rebbeim are talking about. But I want to know when a talmud's going to get up and say, I also have something to say about teshuva. I'm also working on it. I also have a chiddush in the teshuva. We have creativity within ourselves. But we're scared to access our creativity because we say, if I open my mouth, what's going to happen? But if you don't open your mouth, there's a tragedy that occurs. Imagine if Nasano wouldn't have published his music. Imagine if Ezra wouldn't have published his sefer. It takes a lot of courage to publish a sefer. It takes a lot of courage to say, I have something to add to the conversation. But that's what Teshubal Pe is. Teshubal Pe is, I have a mouth. I have something to say.
If we would raise children in a way that we would say to them, all of you as beloved, we would give people permission to be their creative self. Avraham Avinu was told by Hakadosh Baruch Hu, you grew up in Charen. The Hasidic masters explain what does it mean to grow up in Charen. Charen is a place of like Charenath, like a place of anger. It's a place of judgment. It's a place of telling you how you have to be, what's acceptable and what's unacceptable, that you have to be the way we want you to be. So Hakadosh Baruch Hu says to Avram Avinu, "Lach l'chom me'artzeho, mimolad chom ve'zavicha." You can't stay in such a place because Avram Avinu, there's a unique Avram Avinu. There's something that Avram Avinu has to say to the world, and if you are going to remain in the narrow confines of being who they want you to be, you'll never be able to be Avram Avinu.
Now it's a shikopela because Avraham Avinu he already on some level was Avraham Avinu before he left Charum. He had already started fighting with Terach. He was already being the kary of people in Charum, which tells us an even deeper part. You could be great, but to reach your absolute greatness, you have to embrace all aspects of yourself. Avraham Avinu was already great. He had already come on to the belief in Al Kiddush Baruch Hu. He was already being the kary of people, and then Al Kiddush Baruch Hu says. If you want to, if you really want to be lechlucha, if you really want to reach the gospels of Avraham Avinu, then you have to leave. You have to fully embrace who you are, and that's what it means for a yid to come to Eretz Yisrael. To be a yid in Eretz Yisrael is to be a fish in water. Here is where we are able to be our unique selves. Nesanel's song is so beautiful. But Nesanel's song is not only beautiful because the niggun is beautiful; the words are gorgeous.
And Mamas, want to share with you that if you listen to the song, listen to the words. I want to read to you two stanzas that, to me, Mamas struck my heart. Maybe I was never lost. Maybe I was just becoming. Maybe every road I crossed was another step towards something. And if the lights all disappear and I can't see where I'm going, I'll keep moving through the fear because somewhere out there I know it. These are Tzaddikah lyrics. The Avraham Avinu lyrics. I was never lost. I was never lost. I'm in the process of becoming. That's what it means to be Avraham Avinu. I'm not lost. I'm heading somewhere, but where am I heading? I don't know. Eloah Aretz Asher Eka. Hashem says, I'll show you the land eventually.
Rashi says, 'Why did Hashem show Avraham the land?' Because he said, 'I want you to get excited.' The simple explanation is that Avraham is going to be like, 'Where are we going?' You know, like a little kid in the back of the car, going, 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we going to be there soon?' That's a simple explanation. I think there is an even richer explanation in addition to Rashi. I think there is an even richer explanation for us on our level. The Me'ashel Olam says, the Ish B'Tzur says, a yid never arrives. I have no idea where I'm going. I have no idea who I could become. But I know once I let go of the version of myself that I had to be in order to please other people, once I let go of that version, that's when it's going to be great. Where does it go? I have no idea. It could be that I'll perpetually be finding out. Ezra wrote this sefer. I don't know. In 10 years, it could be he's going to write a much different sefer. And in 10 years after that, a much different sefer. And all of them will be true.
All of them will be reflections of that moment in the never-ending unfolding process of becoming who we are. As you said it very well. You could be here for a year or two. This journey is a lifetime journey, Raboisa. Becoming what Kadosh Baruch Hu created you to become is a lifetime journey. There's a certain safety that we all seek. Tell me what the end is. Tell me what the end of the journey is, so that I can know. You can never know the end of your journey. If you know the end of the journey, you're already there. But that's the beauty of it. That's the chibah. That's what gets us excited. A person who's in self, a person who has real courage, they go, 'Where is this going?' I probably have no idea, but the journey is so bishmach because every day I'm unfolding new layers and new understandings of myself and new understandings of who I want to be. That's the excitement, not just the excitement of show me when I'm going to get there. The excitement of knowing I'll never truly arrive, but that means that I'm working on myself forever.
I'm so inspired by the talmidim of our yeshiva. I think it's a privilege to be a part of this. I see so many guys steging, so many guys every day looking at themselves with fresh eyes of who can I become today? And I want you to know, I learned a lot from my rabbis and more from my friends, the most from my talmidim. That's what Chazal say. I'm zayche in this yeshiva. I have my rabbis and my rebbeim. Are you? You're my rebbeim. I learn so much from you. Every day, you guys are teaching me so many things. Even more than that, I learn from you guys. You're my friends. Ezra and I have been friends already for a long time. I went to Chicago. This is the moment where I'm choosing to filter myself. Chin's having such a good time because he knows exactly what I'm about to do. I went to meet this rabbi before he had a diamond jacket.
But I want you to know, I saw Godless even on the Bechina for Yeshiva. I saw Godless in Ezra. People think I go to Chicago just for the Romanian. It's not true. I also go for Talmidim. In that order. And now I heard they're selling Romanian for five pounds. I don't know what justification I'm going to have to go to Chicago anymore, other than to meet people like Ezra. Fresh. It could be. I'm zayser. I have a great friend in Ezo. I learned so much from him. And the most I learned from my talmidim, who every single day are mamish so growth oriented. I want to thank you guys from the bottom of my heart. I've been a part of this yeshiva since 1998. If you would have told me in 1998 that this is where I'd be, I wouldn't have believed you. I was roommates with Jonathan Donat.
In 1999, and now I get to sit right next to his son as we're playing music together by Mishmar. The journey is unfolding always, and we're all stieging from each other. Ben Hashem, we should continue to stieg this year. It should be a year of lechucha, a year of ain anili amili, and like Ezra said, taking achrayas for ourselves because amin lo achvei misa.
Is this shiur filed in the wrong place? Let us know.