Dignity in Focus

2:23 When girls ask him about the button issue, he goes, "You're right. It's just a button." So button it. It's just a button, but to people, yeah. It's Benny Freed's Benny Friedman's father. It's Eighth Day's uncle. It's true. It's a talented family. Bob Dylan wrote an approbation on his book. Why doesn't anyone blush anymore? He wrote a book. He wrote two. To people who are holding in what the world of tshnis means, they know that it's equally for men and for women and has nothing to do with buttons. Today we have to talk about sneis and what it actually is, and as it relates to dignity and as it relates to focus, because the world has gone so insane when it comes to this issue.

3:37 Sneis has become about conformity. That's not what sneis is about. Even though throughout this entire challenge, you girls have been focusing on dignity. To be perfectly honest with you, what you've been focused on is sneus, and that's what sneus really is. And I was just even hearing quickly before that sneus. Some people took it as sneus in their speech. Some people took it as sneus in their dress. Some people took it as sneus in their actions. Sneus the way they relate to other people. It's such a broad, wonderful, beautiful word. It's a word we should treasure and cherish. It's a word that we should be saying to the entire world: We are tsnuos. We are people of tremendous dignity. So call a kavod that you're part of a place like Tomer Devora, where we don't need to avoid the issue. We just needed to repackage it so that by the time you're into it, it's like I'm already into it.

4:39 I can come and speak about it as it actually is. We don't have to pretend anymore. Now the truth is, I was debating whether or not I should say what I was just about to say, because maybe I just undid the entire thing they were trying to do. But everybody knew anyway. Everybody knew anyway. There's nobody sitting around this table that was thinking to themselves, "They're really not talking about sneias." Everybody knew what we were doing. But that's the genius of it. The genius of it is everybody in this room knows exactly what we're doing, and we do it anyway. So we're putting our cards on the table, and I'd like to give a she'er not on the sneias that unfortunately so many of us grew up on. But on what actual sneias is. Any time you've heard this a million times before this year, any time we want to examine anything in the Torah, we have to go back to the first time it was mentioned. When was Snius brought up in the Torah the first time?

5:34 Perhaps Sara. Very good. When the Malachim come to visit Avram Avinu, they ask Avram, "Where is Sara?" And Avram Avinu responds, "Ba'ayoli, she is inside the tent." And Rashi says, "Why is she inside the tent, Tsanuah? Because she is a Tsanuah." There's a big problem with this. First of all What's the implication? What's really being said to us? When we were kids, what did we think? Tsanuah means in the tent, hidden away. In the kitchen. Cooking the food, right? What's the imagery that's being painted for us? The imagery that's being painted for us is 'sanua' means hidden away, and we grew up, many of us, with an image that 'sneus' means repressing who we actually are. And then we get questions like, 'But what if I'm an outgoing person? Is it possible for me to be a sanua?' But how terrible is that?

6:46 What if I'm an outgoing person? Is it possible for me to be a tsanua? If you're an outgoing person, Girls, then what are you? You're an outgoing person. What's going to happen to somebody who's an outgoing person who we tell them to repress being outgoing? They're not going to be able to do it. Baruch Hashem, they're not going to be able to do it because that's who they are. So many years ago, when I was in yeshiva, I think you may have heard the story from me before. But there was a guy who was a real tsanua. He was the real deal. And he had a very introverted personality. I don't know if you've ever seen guys like this before. But they walk like this. They walk with their hands clasped together, and their shoulders hunched over, and they're looking down. I really admired this guy. And the mashgiach of the yeshiva saw me walking, and he screams out at me and he goes, "What are you doing?" So I said, "What?" He goes, "You're not." And then he said this guy's name. I said, "But Rebbe. Aren't I supposed to be like this guy?" And he's like, "What are you crazy? You're an outgoing person. You have to be an outgoing person."

7:48 Being tsanuah doesn't mean repressing who you are. The problem is, what does Rashi mean? Since she was in the oil, that meant that she was tsanuah. Obviously, Rashi is telling us something deeper. But in case you don't believe me, I'll prove it to you. Sarah had other names, right? What was another famous name of Sarah? Sarai. What was another one? Imenu. Imenu was her last name. She dropped it when she got married. Yisca, very good. What does Yisca mean? Isn't that beautiful? So Yisca means that she gazed at everyone with ruach hakodesh, and everyone gazed at her beauty. The problem is, if Sarah's Sanuah, and Sanuah means that she's inside the oil, so then the last thing that we're gonna see here described of Sarah Imenu of Yisca is what, that everyone is looking at her. Wouldn't you think that would be the exact opposite of Sneis? Imagine a woman is walking around. That when she's walking through the streets, she's turning heads. Every single person is looking at her. So we would say Pashdos if we were. And today, in two thousand and nineteen, what would we say about such a woman?

9:11 It's not sneias. Why is everyone looking at her? Ella maish, she must be doing something not sneias. And anyway, what was she doing out of the aisle to begin with? So obviously, it can't mean the simple understanding. But also, there is a deeper question. I want you to hear this because this is very important. What's the connection between the fact that she looked out at the world with ruach hakodesh and everyone gazed at her beauty? These are not two random statements; these are two statements that are inherently and intrinsically connected. What's going on over here? Last question: it's a very strange story about Avram Avinu and Sarai Menu. Avram Avinu had to head down to Mitzrayim because there was a famine in Canaan. And he sees the reflection, Medrash says. He sees the reflection of Sarayimenu in the water, and he says, 'Yishoyah fas mareat, you're a beautiful woman. We're in big trouble. What are the Mitzvahs going to do? They're going to kill me to get to you. So tell them you're my sister. Imri na achosiat. Tell them you're my sister.'

10:24 What in the world is going on over here? First of all, girls, I want to tell you halacha. A chassan is not allowed to marry a kala without seeing her. That's the halacha. So Avram Avinu married Sarai Imenu. He must have seen her, right? We know that the avos fulfilled all of the Torah before it was given, so he must have seen her. So if Avram Avinu saw her, this was the first time he noticed she was attractive. And by the way, how insulting is that? They're going down to Mitzrayim. He sees her in the puddle and goes, "Hey." Not too bad. Adrabo. You're so good-looking. They're gonna kill me. What's Sari Manu saying? Where have you been? Imagine a husband who, after twenty, thirty years of marriage, goes, 'I just noticed you're very pretty.' It's Mamish. A terrible thing to say, no? So ridiculous Like a crazy thing. Wild.

11:25 We're gonna get to sticking people in a box. On many levels, not just physically, but metaphorically. Only in burkas. The you should know a very strange A very strange thing that everybody in my shir had to undergo when we were younger. When we were dating, of course, we would speak to our rebbe about it. My Rebbe Kenai Nahara, when I had him, was in his late 70s, early 80s. The guys would talk to him about dating. Parnas was a gadol b'tayra in every sense of the word. So he would ask us different questions. Do you have a parnasa that you're ready to get married? Kasef min nolon, he would say. Amongst the many questions he would ask us, one of the questions is: Do you find her attractive? I don't know if you understand what it means to talk to a gadol b'tayra who's in his 80s about whether or not you find this girl that you're dating attractive. It's not the simplest thing in the world. Could it be that Avraham Avinu didn't know what my Rebbe was asking? Of course he did. So what in the world was Avraham Avinu saying?

12:35 I want to tell you a yissod. It's a basic yissod. Everybody in this room knows it. The way that we see the world impacts the way the world sees us. I'm going to say it even a step further. Not because that's the way we interact with the world, but because people can sense they have a sixth sense. They can look at you and they could know a lot about you even before you open up your mouth. So normally, how do we think about it? We think if I speak to someone in a negative way, they're going to experience me as a negative person. It's much deeper than that. If in the privacy of my own room, without ever speaking to someone I'm a negative person. The way the world is going to see me is through the lens of negativity. If I'm a positive person, I'm a person of breath in my life. I'm expansive and I'm bringing people in. Even if I have never met another person, they can sense it when you meet that person. This is a person that there's safety, that there's care, that there's love, that they would bring me in. What happens in the privacy of our own self impacts the way that the world sees us.

14:06 This explains a halacha, Talach and Shulchan Aruch. And it applies equally to men and to women. When a person is getting dressed, there's a halacha of getting dressed with dignity. The Shulchan Aruch explains a person should never be fully uncovered. And then the Shulchan Aruch says an unbelievable thing. And if a person will say, But nobody's in the room with me Hakadosh Baruch Hu is in the room with you. What in the world was the Shulchan Aruch saying with this halacha? Halachas are not random. Halachas are there to teach us a certain message. What was the Shulchan Aruch telling us? Shulchan Aruch was telling us the most incredible halacha. Dignity comes from the recognition of the godliness of every moment, of every experience, in every place that we are. That is where dignity comes from. So imagine a person who's in the privacy of their own room.

15:14 In the privacy of their own house, in a locked, fenced-around house in a gated community, nobody's coming in. But there's a recognition that Hakadosh Baruch Hu is present in that moment, and the dignity in which I do those simple, most basic things has to be with a sense of tzeis. That is an unbelievable halacha. Where does that come from? For this, let's do three, four, five minutes maximum of hashgufa. If God is infinite, then where is God? If God is infinite, then how can I find Him in the finite world? It's a question. It's a famous Kabbalistic question. It's a famous Haskoffa question. God is infinite. Infinite means the exact opposite of finite, because infinite means beyond the realm of time, beyond the realm of space. Infinite is not two points on a line. Everybody knows that. If you have two points on a line going in exact opposite directions.

16:09 That's not infinite. Even if they never meet, why is it not infinite? Because you can point to the line. Infinite means that there is no line, you can't even conceive of the line. If you believe in an infinite God, then how can space be filled up with godliness? This is in English, it's called the question of imminence. Can God be immanent in our world? From a Jewish perspective, we answer that God lives on three levels. We're not going to get into all three right now. The answer is called "mimali kolomen, Soeviv kolomen, and kulah kamei kolay chashiv." Without getting into what that means, we're just going to focus on just "mimali kolomen." "Mimali kolomen" means as follows: Because God is infinite, He's not limited from the finite world. You understand? Because God is infinite, you can't say that there is not godliness residing within everything. Not to say that God is in the cup.

17:07 God is not in the cup; that's kviira. But that godliness is in the cup. That there is nothing that's devoid of godliness in this world. That is called God's imminence. And He doesn't just have imminence; He also has soiviv kolomen. He's infinite, so He's not restrained by the world. But without getting into soiviv kolomen, just godliness fills up every moment of every day. No matter where we are, even in the privacy of our own lives. I want you to ask yourself if you understood this idea. That godliness is within everything. And that means that if I'm in the privacy of my own room, I still recognize godliness, and therefore I act in a dignified fashion. Where did I get the strength to do that from? How does a person come to a consciousness that God is immanent? There's a book I want to write. I've wanted to write this book now for about seven years. I've written about three and a half chapters, unedited, and it's not good at all. I haven't found the time to finish this book, let alone really start it.

18:13 It's called, and at least in my head, It's called a soul-powered life. A soul-powered life means that when you recognize that godliness resides within you, that's what gives you the capacity to find godliness everywhere you are. It's like you're a blacklight. If you go into a room and you close the lights, you put on a blacklight, you'll see all the stains. Soul-powered prayers. It's close. Soul-powered life. The point is that you have a godly soul, and it comes within you. Let's take for example. Let's say somebody's attacking you verbally. Let's say somebody's verbally attacking you, acting in a way that's totally unbefitting of your dignity. What gives you the capacity to look at that person and say, with respect? I appreciate that you're hurt and that you're in pain. But I won't be spoken to this way because it diminishes my dignity to be in this situation right now. I'm going to choose to remove myself. Where does a person get the capacity to do that from?

19:19 What's the answer, girls? It's the recognition that I have a soul. So if godliness is imminent in the world, then naturally, where does that have to be? It has to be immanent within me. This is the concept of a soul. The fact that I'm able to see everything, everything that gives me courage, everything that gives me the capacity to be vulnerable, everything that gives me the capacity to know that I have enough—it's because I have an infinite godly power that's inside of me. Otherwise, what's our feeling? Our feeling is one of being diminished. I don't have enough. So the infinite God that resides within the world also resides within me. The capacity to tap into that power is what allows me to see godliness in the world. In that moment, in the privacy of a person's own bedroom, where nobody's coming in, the door is locked. Why do they behave with dignity? Because I am a person with dignity. Just like the moment has dignity in it, just like the room has dignity in it, I have dignity within myself. And the question then becomes: How am I seeing myself? Am I seeing myself through the lens of the godly dignity that I ought to have? You hear the difference?

20:25 If you've come this far, ask yourself the following question: Imagine what would happen if we actually lived our lives like that. I like the dignity focused. I like that line, dignity in focused or dignity focused. I like that. You know why? Because that's what it's about. It's about focus. It's about intention. This is my consciousness. This is the way I see the world. I want to send in that selfie. I want to get those points because I want to get the barbecue. Or whatever we're calling it, it's awesome because that's what it's about. It's about the focus of who I already truly am. And then acting in consonance with that. But now imagine how everybody would relate to us if we actually lived our lives like that. If we believe that the way that we see ourselves is the way that the world will see us, could you imagine the dignity with which we will be seen?

21:14 So now let's go back to our original questions. Sarah Imenu was the ultimate woman of dignity. When the Malachim asked, 'Where was Sarah?' What was Avram Avinu's response? Avram Avinu's response was not, 'She's in the kitchen, barefoot.' That's not the. That's not at all what the Torah is trying to communicate. It's saying she lives with the dignity of who she is. The internal dignity that comes with being not repressed. But a person who lives an internally focused life—it's the awareness of the soul. We are here to build a dira betachtonim. That's the Medrash and Parsha also says that's our mission in this world—to build an aisle for God, to build a place where God feels comfortable in this world. What does that require? It requires the consciousness of the soul that resides within. So Avraham Avinu was saying something unbelievable. He was saying, 'You want to know where Sarah is? Sarah is ba'ol. That's her whole chaos. That's her life.' Not that Sarah was repressed. Not that Sarah didn't go out. We know that Sarah went out. She went out to be mekaravas asanoshim. She had so much to do with the outside world.

22:21 She wasn't a repressed person at all. But as Rashi says, what was she? She was tsanuah because she lived with dignity. She was tsanuah. So this answers a very deep question. What was Sarimenu's name? Her name was Yisca. Everybody was looking at her. But really not in the way that we thought about it initially. Sara Imenu saw the world through what? What did we say earlier? Through Ruach Hakodesh. What does that mean? That she saw the world through Ruach Hakodesh. Sara Yemenu saw the world through the lens of godliness. She saw it from an internal place. That's how she saw the outside world. Her lens was one of her godly soul. That was the glasses that she wore. That's called Ruach Hakodesh. Ruach Hakodesh means wherever I go, the spirit of godliness. It's within that moment. Every person that she saw was someone who was meant to be cherished.

23:19 I see you. I see your pain. I see your suffering. I see your desire to draw close. I see who you really are. That's the way that she saw them. And Mameila, how did they see her? As exceptionally beautiful, but not the beauty Chas v'Shalom of Fifth Avenue. Not the beauty of the advertisements and the things that they make us look at today that objectify people. Chas v'Shalom. That's not at all what Sarimenu was. In fact, if you would have asked any of those people, 'Is Sara Imanu physically attractive?' You know what they would have answered? If you're going to try to limit someone like Sara Imanu to physical attractiveness, that would be the most ridiculous thing in the world. Her beauty is so much more than that. Beauty has nothing to do with physical. Has nothing to do with physical, and I'll prove it.

24:09 But you know the guy that you said nothing would ever happen with that guy. You know that guy. You don't know that guy because you're not those types of girls. But you know that guy. I see some of you nodding. I see you must have friends like that. Asking for a friend. Hashtag asking for a friend. Asking for yourself. I love the following conversation. Rebbe, remember the guy that I told you nothing would ever happen with. So something right. So I get it one step before that. I get it as this is what it sounds like. So I think something's happening. That's the way the girls say it. The guys say it like this: something happened. They always tell me after the fact. Why? Beforehand, I say to them, This is my whole speech. There's no such thing as platonic relationships. There's this girl that nothing would ever happen with. Then they come back and they go, "Rabbi, I think you might have been right." Why? You told me nothing would ever happen. You told me that you were totally unattracted there. It's crazy.

25:21 How'd that happen? Where'd that switch get flipped? Nothing would ever happen, and then all of a sudden she's attractive. What happened? What changed? All of a sudden he's attractive. He's the same yutz that he's been for the last five years that you knew. What's the answer? Has nothing to do with the skin. Has nothing to do with physical. Beauty is the recognition that there's a godly space here that could be filled up. That's what real beauty is about. When you recognize that you're with someone who you could build a life with, it's an amazing thing. All of a sudden, they become attractive. It's the craziest thing. Somebody that we never found, all of a sudden, we see. What happened? Beauty has nothing to do. It's not physical. In its distorted image, it has something to do with physical. I asked this Kasha many years ago to a Rebbe. I was talking to him about attraction and all these things. He said to me, I think I was maybe twenty years old at the time. And he said to me, "What do you think? You think a couple becomes like seventy, eighty years old, and then all of a sudden they're not attracted to each other?" He's got no hair. He's this lumpy sort of whatever. He's not the he's an old man.

26:36 But by that point in the relationship, it's so deep. There's so much beauty in the relationship that nobody would ever say there's not the most incredible, intense emotions in this relationship. There's something so exceptionally beautiful about it. So if you would have asked somebody who was looking at Sarimenu, 'Is Sarimenu beautiful?' They would have said she's the most beautiful woman in the world. But don't try to limit it to her physical beauty. She's the ultimate Sanua. She walks with dignity. Every year in Mivaseret, I ask the boys one question. It's a very simple question. I ask them this question: Who would you rather marry, the girl that holds herself with dignity, or the girl that doesn't? Without fail, every single guy says, 'Of course you want to marry that sneaky girl. Of course. Why? Why? Because she's so much more attractive. She's so much more attractive. That's what they'll tell you. They won't tell you because that's a mom. Because I don't want to. I don't want to have a mom who's not dressing. It's not what they tell you. They say because she's so much prettier.'

27:37 I understand. If she's so much prettier, then what are you doing? Oh well, not yet, Rebbe, right? But if, of course, what are they really saying? We're not really attracted. Forget physical beauty. We're not attracted to a place where we won't be able to have a deep sense of connection. When Avram Avinu was going down to Mitzrayim, he had seen Sarah. He had seen Sarah his entire life. He saw Sarah when they were dating. He thought that she was the most beautiful person in the world. But he never objectified her. Until he saw her reflection—not her, but he saw her reflection. He saw the image of how people who objectify people would see her. That's what it means that he saw her reflection. And then he realized the danger that they were in going down to Mitzrayim. Mitzrayim is described as ervah saretz. What is ervah saretz?

28:29 Ervah is something that, when you look at it, is inappropriate to be seen. So that's ervah saretz. This is a place where they see what shouldn't be seen, and they're not going to see the dignity with which she holds herself. They're going to see on a skin deep level. And it was the first time that Avram Avinu in his life had ever thought of her that way. Because of course his relationship with her was so much deeper than skin deep that he couldn't have even imagined that it would be a problem, Mameila. He has to tell her, please, tell them you're my sister. Because literally these people would kill me. Because they won't respect the dignity of the relationship. That's not what Mitzrayim is. So he put her in a box. It's not Chas v'Shalom, the Pshat that we're trying to hide women away. It's a very deep Pshat. We don't have time to go into it now about Leah and Dina and what it means to go out.

29:27 You are not wrong But you are also not right. It's a very deep Pshat. We don't have time to go into about Dina and Leah and how Dina went out to Shem. And really that was only because Dinah was hidden away by Yaakov Avinu. She would have been the one to be mekar of Esav. Because Dinah had this way of Leah, who did go out. She had this way of Sarah, who did go out. Our way is not to hide women away. Two years ago, I was at a Shabbat home with Rav Eliezer Salavetchik Shlitah. Eliezer Salavetchik is a tremendous tzaddik. He lives in Queens. He's a tremendous talmudchachem. One of the people that was at this Shabbat home asked Rav Salavetchik what he thought about not putting women's pictures in magazines. And he answered, Very interesting answer. He said, "It's not my way." He said, "But I can't judge people that are doing it because each community has their own standards, and each community is doing what they feel is best for Tznius."

30:39 I've been thinking about this question a lot. And without getting into right or wrong, Because that's a topic I definitely don't want to touch. But without getting into right or wrong, I do want to say this: there is a uniquely feminine voice that our world needs in order to bring Mashiach. There are people that want to suppress that voice, and there are people that think that on the other side of the coin, because a picture of a woman is not in a magazine, her voice has been suppressed, and that's not true. Just because someone's picture is not in a magazine doesn't mean that her voice has been suppressed. Her voice is speaking to thousands of women. Today I'm going with you. I read books written by people I feel are women of tremendous dignity. In my home, my wife has. I buy her gifts sometimes when Rebbetzin Heller publishes a book, I'll read it.

31:55 There is a feminine voice that needs to be in the world. It's not undignified for that voice to be there, Adarabba. It's not sneas for that voice to be lost, because there is something that we have to say. But how do we say it? Through the lens of the dignity with which we see our godly soul. When the male voice is out conquering the world, the female voice has the capacity to say. But don't forget about what's driving this entire thing. Don't forget about the engine that's driving this entire thing. And that is the soul. In the very beginning of tonight's program, At least when I got here. The question was not how we can be. What was this? The challenge was a month. It is not a month. We don't do things in Torah Devora for a month. A month is a drop in the bucket of your life. We don't do things for a month. We do things for twenty years, for forty years, for sixty years. We don't teach eighteen-year-old girls. We teach mothers and grandmothers, future leaders of their communities, people who are going to go out into the world and be mekadoshem Shamayim wherever they go. I could not spend my time teaching eighteen-year-old girls; it wouldn't even make any sense.

33:20 But future mothers are worth an investment. Future leaders in the community are worth an investment. There is a tragedy that's happening today in the world. It's everywhere you go. We've objectified important things. We've taken beautiful things and turned them into objects, and it's destroying the world. The greatest irony is that Hollywood is the ones coming out with the Me Too movement. Hollywood, the greatest objectifiers of women, arguably in the history of the world, are now coming out and saying you really shouldn't objectify women. Remind me the next time I see a trailer or a campaign for Captain Marvel. What these women are expected to look like And they're the ones coming out with the Me Too movement. They're the ones coming out and saying women should be treated with dignity. It's just the opposite. They're the ones that haven't been treating women with dignity. We're the ones that have been teaching the world that we need the feminine dignity to be seen. And in order for that to happen, it starts with you. It's sensitivities. It's all sensitivities. It doesn't come from a button. That's just maybe a symptom. But it's the dignity with which you hold yourself. My bracha to all of you.

34:50 And I hope that I'll be blessed, just from being a participant on a small level in tonight's event. My bracha to all of you is that this shouldn't be just a month. A month should turn into a year. A year should turn into ten years. Ten years should turn into twenty years. And your children and grandchildren should be able to look at you and say, 'My mother, my grandmother, my great grandmother is someone of tremendous dignity. She is a real tzanua.' And with that, that is Beis Rosham Howel Bar Neshiach.