Dignity in Focus (DIF) 2022 - Q&A with Rav and Rebbetzin Burg on the topic of Dignity

1:44 One thing she said is she would never behave in a way that's undignified. Whatever religious struggle she's having, but one thing she took away from Talmud Vroh that she says, I don't think I can ever lose. And she definitely said, at least in part, because of this, a certain sense of dignity. So I think this is, again, a very Hosh of a program. It's been a number of years. It's a privilege to be part of it, I guess, even at the end. But call it The Maral says that the 49 days of the Spirit's armor are divided up into two parts. The first 32 days of the Aymir and the last 18 days of the Aymir. The first 32 days of the Aymir will be the matryech havav. The last 18 days of the Aymir, the second half of the Aymir is the matryech hai.

2:43 Chai So the question is what's the relationship between kavod and chai? Between dignity and life? So earlier this year, those of you who are in Ravetzin Burg's Sheer, and I believe that I made mention of this concept as well, we spoke about the difference between existence and life. Existence is anything that exists, anything that's measurable, anything that you Tash. It's existence. Existence takes up space. Every single thing that exists has a life. The life is what that existence gives to the world. So the existence of a fire would be how much space the fire takes up. The life of the fire would be the warmth, the heat, the light that it generates. So when we think about kavod and chai, it's appropriate to think about that as existence and life. Kavod is existence. The word kavod means weight, kaveid means heavy. It's the space that something takes out.

3:55 Which means that in order for something to take on a particular property, to be able to say, this is what it gives to the world, there has to be a baseline that it exists. And that's really what the usod of kavud is. Kavud means this is real. This exists. It takes up space. It's important. It has a kashivas. You have to contend with it. For many people in this world, it's hard for them to give anything in this world. It's hard for them to have chaim because they believe themselves to be garbage. You speak to people. You'll see this interneigth belief that people have. It's apparent. It's apparent in the way. Chazit on some level. But we treat ourselves for various reasons. We may treat ourselves as less than worthy. We have on some level a sense of shame. Not the healthy shame of let's say guilt or regret, but the belief that I'm unworthy of love and connection. In other words, it's a failure in my existence. And so when you see people that they're not able to have Chayim, they're not able to have a life, they're not able to give anything, it's because when you look on the inside and you go back to the foundation, it's what am I?

5:10 What's my value? What's my worth? There has to be a baseline sense of self-esteem before a person can go out into the world and do something. Otherwise they say things like, well, who am I to do this? And it's really the opposite. Who are you not to do this? Who are you to hold back the God-given talents that you have that you're meant to share with the world? Who are you to hold those talents back? And so it sometimes feels like it's humble to withhold yourself and that's not true. The most humble people are people that can put themselves out there in fantastic ways, but with no sense of anochi, with no sense of like, look at me. It's just like a natural byproduct of who they are. And it only happens if there's a baseline sense of cover, that I'm worthy of being in this world to do something that's out there.

6:04 One of the many years ago I heard from Mejal Einberger, he said, people don't wake up in the morning because they have nothing to wake up for. So nobody misses a flight. The same girl that can't wake up in the morning, it's just so hard. She has a 6 o'clock in the morning flight and she needs to be at LaGuardia Airport at 4 o'clock in the morning. Which means getting up at 3 o'clock in the morning. Somehow she's able to do it. What's the shot? If you have something to wake up for, there's something worthy. So then I do it. Rav Kook said, Yom Kippur Davani finally said, Adshulon otsarthi einikadayev, adshulon otsarthi ki ileun otsarthi Until I was created it wasn't worthwhile for me to be created and now that I'm created it's still not worthwhile for me to be created. It seems like a very depressing thing to say.

6:52 Rav Kook said no. Adshulon Otsarthi Einikadayev Until this period of your life, until you were born, it wasn't worth it for you to be here. Nacholos Rav Chavot didn't need you in the world. V'achashot N'Takty And now you were born, meaning you have a reason to be here. The Aini K'Dayim, we're not saying our line. We're onstage and we're just mute. And so many of us are like that. Kavod gives life to Chaim. Existence is important. How we hold ourselves is what gives rise to our capacity to share ourselves with one another. That's not a small thing. That's why the talmidim Rebbe Bekeba were shalonal who covelled them. What does it mean they were not machabe to one another? I'm sure that the talmidim Rebbe Bekeba, when they were sitting in Beis Magyash with their chavrusa, I'm sure, these were tandallim, I'm sure that when their chavrusa offered a sparah and they set up shah, I'm sure that they listened very carefully. I'm sure they did. I'm sure they were not screaming and yelling and doing nasty Yes, these were the parts of the Shlom Nogu Kavuzeb is there.

8:05 They said a good thing, they said a good thing, Ba said a good thing. But did they really deeply like appreciate the other person, did they say like, ah, you're here, you're a part of the puzzle, and without you the puzzle is incomplete. That's what they were lacking. J'Lon Nogu Kavuzeb is that doesn't mean that the were yelling and screaming at each other. When they encountered one another, did they appreciate that sense of kvetos, the gravitas, I'm with a human being, I'm with another person. That's why the Gemara says that there were 12,000 pairs. I heard my wife say one time, more than one time. It's easy to be happy when you don't have to be differentiated. When you're just one person by yourself doing whatever you want, it's easy to be happy. To be able to maintain your own sense of self when you're in a Zod, when you're in a couple, to be able to negotiate that narrow terrain, it's not simple at all.

9:07 And still to hold your own, and to be for yourself, and to be a happy person within that narrow Shattach of two people living together, that's not a simple thing. To be differentiated when you're in a relationship, that's very, very difficult. It requires a deep sense of dignity for yourself and a deep sense of dignity for the other. To be firmly planted on your side of the aisle, to say this is who I am, and to have deep respect for who the other person is, and the weight that they bring to the world, and understanding that without either one of those things, the picture is incomplete. It's always appropriate that we have this challenge at this time of the year. Because as you're finishing your Shana'alif, for those of you who are coming back, Shana'alif, If you are not coming, Shabbat doesn't matter. As you're finishing your Shana'alif, and you're about to go into the world, and soon there's going to be a big sense of chayim in your life.

10:09 Whether that's going to be the profession that you choose, the dating, the marriage, the children, the community, chayim is right here, real life. It's okay to say that seminary is a bubble. It is. Hey guys this is not a bad thing. There are awesome things that are a bubble. This is a great bubble. I hope that you'll give your children the same opportunity. But it is a bubble. It's a bubble because you don't yet have the burden. You don't have the burden. You don't have the burden of life. Life takes a real toll on you. It's a lot of things that are going to come your way that you're never going to see coming. You're going to self-actualize. It's going to be a little real. It's like okay I'm going. It's about life. You're going to be able to go there. You're going to be able to work for that.

10:57 I'm becoming that speech therapist, physical therapist, occupational therapist, horse therapist, music therapist, water therapist. Use it just because it's swimming. It's water therapy. I'm an infinotherapist. The foundation of what you had here this year was a sense of cover. Chaim is what's common. Kabbos is what you've got. I think that's a very unique thing about Torah Devorah. I think you could have gone to any seminary in the world to learn Torah. No doubt that every seminary, Mishalayim, Eretz, Chodosh, and beyond, every one of them teaches amazing Torah. But there are very few seminaries that teach you about you. That's a much harder Not trying to foster our own vision for who you are on yourselves but asking yourselves the opposite question. Who are you? I'm bringing that into the world. I believe that that's a good introduction. I know Mrs. Tran has a couple of questions she's going to ask us to start, but I believe that's a good introduction.

12:20 And Mr. Strank has a couple of questions she's going to ask us to start, but I believe that's a good introduction. As we finish this year, a sense of cover, a sense of dignity, a sense of self, and from that comes the giving into the world. So the first question was actually answered very beautifully just now. Two birds. Not only that, but I'm sure that there are more practical aspects that may be worth bringing up. Stalling, as I'm looking for the question. How would you define dignity?

13:36 Is that a DIF moment? I benched with Kavana. Is that a DIF moment? Now I would say that while those things are not necessarily directly, you know, a definition of DIF, they're a byproduct of being DIF, right? A person who exudes dignity will most likely find themselves drawn to these other values as well. But if we had to narrow it down, they're really defined. How would you define dignity? I'm not good with definitions, but I would say having a strong sense of self, a strong sense of who you are. And Dignity says a lot of things that Rebbe said about knowing your own wordiness and also knowing who you are and knowing that you're worthy. Standing in that knowledge. And when you say, also like having a sense of like, this is worthy of me. Like I wouldn't do that because that's beneath my dignity. That's something that I wouldn't do because that's not who I am. That's not who I want to be in this world.

15:08 And just having like a strong idea of, you know, who I am and who I want to be in this world and how I hold myself in all, you know, in speech and dress and action and just like a kind of like an aura that a person would just like, would kind of emanate from just a strong knowledge who they are. I think just as I was listening to Rebbetzin Burg speak, the thing that was coming up for me as I was listening to it was that's actually what my daughters have seen in our home. This is where it likes to define things, it doesn't like to define things, you certainly embody this. And there's a sense in our home that our daughters see and say, emo would never do that. I like that. It wouldn't occur. There's like a baseline. I would never do that because I couldn't bring myself to do it.

16:10 It's not necessarily a conscious awareness of what you're doing. It's just like a... it is. There are certain things like... I'll give you an example. I get this question a lot. In the coming weeks I'm going to get this question a lot. All the guys that are going to work in Hask are going to express their concerns about their capacity to be good counselors. And I'm speaking in a dignified fashion, so I'm wondering if you girls understand what I'm talking about. I'm speaking, listen carefully, but that's a balashon naki, speaking in a clean fashion. Sometimes there are messes that need to be cleaned up, and it can be difficult for a guy who grew up in the five towns, Is the one who has never done that before for anybody, even his siblings, not even themselves, right? And now they are going to have to do it for another person. And it's like a terrifying thing, can I do that?

17:02 Well, why is that so hard? That's so beneath my dignity. And reformatting and saying, no, no, in this case it's a test. That's a hard shift. But what we will do and what we won't do is, it's not a definition, it's not like a, it's not an intellectual knowledge, it's not even a choice that you have to make, it's a baseline of who you are. And I think the word that Rebbe Nachman used was a good one, it was an aura. This is not a concept. It's a belief system that's so deeply embedded in yourself that you project it when you go out into the world. And people will know, just like you know about others, right? You know there are people that are of such dignity that you would never speak to them in a certain fashion. You would never treat them in a certain fashion. And they never had to tell you with their words that I don't behave that way.

17:54 Because it just wouldn't occur to you to speak that way or speak that way around them or to act that way around them. The next question is the million dollar question and it really is kind of the reason why we're here today because I think we're all on this constant quest to answer the following question and that is how do you achieve dignity? How do you grow in dignity? What are the steps, what are the practical ways? What I find most humbling about watching you guys go through the DIF Challenge and every year it takes a little bit of a different form and every year it's a different student body so the DIF moments are different and the victories and the DIF struggles are different not only within the DIF Challenge but even just through everyday life. But what I find most humbling is the realization that it never ends, that it doesn't stop when Shabbos Yom Tov dignity focus dif

19:34 I have a hard time separating between God and self. I think it's a very fine line of where God ends and self begins. Which is not to say that we're God, of course. But the notion of consciousness, like, how am I, like what is consciousness? We can't point to consciousness in the brain. Do you know that? We have no idea where consciousness is. If you have any neurologists in the world, point to the part of your brain that gives you a sense of self, that gives you an independent sense of self. You couldn't point to such a part. It doesn't exist. We don't know where it is, if it's there at all. And my understanding is that consciousness is, when we speak about consciousness, we're speaking about the God-given ability to be in self. For me, as a person, I can't separate between those two things.

20:29 I don't think we could talk about building a healthy sense of self, or a dignified sense of self, without talking about the fact that I am a creation of Hashem. I don't think that you can do that. For me, I think that dignity is born from the belief that I was created by our Abbonishlom For a particular purpose, for a particular mission, for a particular amount of time. It's not forever. So what gives dignity to a person is the awareness that I am not an independent entity. Not only does that give, let's say, a personal dignity to ourselves, but it also obligates us to give dignity to every single person. So if you look at the Mishnah Nevos, it says, Ovum esabrios ummekarvum nachare. Et Tov Rebez Medayech What does it mean, Ov Mezabriyos? That we should love creations. It should've said Ov Mezah Anashah, love people. Why it say Ov Mezabriyos?

21:25 It's the out there episode the Mishnah is referring to the lowest level creatures. It's referring to people that are barely human. You see people like anyone here from Los Angeles? You ever been to the city? You've a walk like on certain sections of Peko? And you see like homeless people, it's like the only street. And the valley also? I try to stay away from the valley. Same school. But it's an amazing thing. I'm from the five towns. We didn't see homeless people growing up. And so it's like you're walking and there's a part of you, I don't know if you've ever had this, at least for me, you don't... You ever try to walk by homeless people and almost pretend that they don't exist? It's totally not nice. I do it. I'm not serious, it's just not a nice thing, those are human beings. The biggest tzaddik in the world, right, because he has such a deep appreciation of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, would recognize the godliness and that person that has fallen to such a low state.

22:26 And they would cry out in such pain for such a person. And not only people who are, let's say, homeless, but people who are struggling, people who are of much acting in a very low way. The bigger Litzadik, the more understanding of dignity that Litzadik has because he's so connected to their Bunnish land which is the source of all dignity. You were created on purpose for a reason, for a particular amount of time. And then Mimeila, even in the lowest person in the world, I'm going to find dignity. And I think that, just to be very precise about the answer, like with everything, it could come one of two ways. You could either develop dignity from the consciousness that you're aware of, Hakadosh Baruch Hu, and you're created on purpose, or the opposite. I think this is maybe the DIF challenge. You could act your way into good thinking. You hear that phrase? Sometimes you can't think your way into good acting, you have to act your way into good thinking.

23:15 So you said before, I didn't know that I was going to be able to do this, but you start developing a habit of dignity. What happens if you start developing that habit? You start to become aware of your own dignity. And that also can be a very powerful way of building up. When I heard the question, so I was thinking that actually it ended up being more similar to the lines. There's always the inside out approach and there's the outside in approach. So I always like the inside out approach, but I think in this question there's a lot of value to both. And the inside out approach for sure connects with what Robert was saying and so we speak about a lot in that, that's Mahal is that it's just this knowledge of this deep sense of self, of who we are.

23:56 For the more we go, the more we come together and the more we are, and the more we focus on that aspect of ourselves, and the more we know who we are and the more we know that that aspect of ourselves is what's godly, what's connected to Hashem, what's, what's our, it's our, it's our, the aspect of, you know, that makes us worthy, and it's, it's the place of goodness and of connection and of joy, like that. And the more we think about and focus on that part, part of ourselves that, that connects us to Hashem, like, just, that is our, that is our reason for the Focus on that part of ourselves. Like, that automatically grows. Like we're just, we're like noticing it and we're focusing on it. We're cultivating that aspect of ourselves because that's really our Godly self. Also when we're also on the inside out approach is that, you know, if we are really worthy, right. If we really want to cultivate this idea of our own dignity and our own worthiness, then we have to treat ourselves like we are. Right.

24:49 If you're a person who's worthy, then you're worthy of taking care of yourself, eating well, sleeping well, being kind to yourself, being accepting of yourself, being gentle with yourself, not saying mean things to yourself. All of these things, I think that's actually when we cultivate it from the inside, is really knowing if I'm a worthy person, then I treat myself well. When I treat myself well, then I'm going to grow, or when I treat myself well and I know who I am, then that will kind of automatically permeate outward. I think also the very important on this topic in specific is the outside-in approach. I think we are very much affected by how we dress, how we speak, how we report ourselves, how we are in the world. And we definitely have something in our home. We definitely talk about this. There's a mukhuba way to speak. There's a dignified way to speak. There's a dignified way to sit.

25:57 There's a dignified way to act. There's a dignified way to be in the streets. And I think when we do those actions, and people have really even said like when they choose to dress in a certain way It definitely makes an impression on themselves on their behavior when you dress a certain way You're not going to behave a certain you know do things that are beneath the dignity of a person who dresses that way And even you know it like if you go to work you wear a certain clothing and if you're just rounding around at home You wear different clothing like when we pull we're in you know our uniform or in you know clothing I'm not talking about something that's more elevated. I don't need to be focusing on clothing. I'm just talking about something that has an influence on ourselves. But I think that it's not just that. I speak in a certain way because I know that I'm a certain type of person.

26:46 I act in a certain way because I know that I'm that type of person. And when I behave in those ways, it helps me remember who I really am. So maybe it goes both ways. I think it's from inside out and outside in this case. Is there a quick question on that same question? Would that be intuitive to know what behaving in a dignified way is? Or is there any way to pick that up consciously? How do I know what it looks like to be dignified? If you're trying to take the outside in approach, how would you even know what you're aiming for? I think having good models is very helpful for people and you get a sense of like, you know, you kind of like get an idea. You say a person, you know, behaves in a really dignified way, then you like get an idea about what they're doing or like, you know, see how they're behaving or what they're, you know, that could be, or you know, could speak to them about that. Is it intuitive? It's very interesting. I'm thinking about it because I really grew up with that idea.

28:04 I grew up with this in my, I'm grateful that I'm having the opportunity to speak here, because this is a conversation, this is like an idea that I really grew up with in my family. It was very important to my father in specific, and it was, you just, you carry yourself in a certain way. You know, he always dressed, he almost always wore a suit, as far as I remember, he always was wearing a suit, usually with a tie. I remember when we all went out to a restaurant we'd all have to get dressed up. It wasn't like a regular. It was like, you get dressed up. You wore your dress and stuff but, you never let my brothers wear jeans. I'd take my brothers and not wear jeans. It was just like that's not how we behave. That's not so I really kind of grew up that way.

28:57 And I really kind of like I mean, to this day I almost never take off my shoes ever. Like until I go to sleep. It's just a thing. It's just this is I don't you know, we walk around, you know, again, I'm just trying to think like I just for me, it was so in my head. Is this a dignified way to speak? Is this a dignified way to be? Is this a dignified way to sit? I don't know, I'm not sure if that's... It's something that we just talk about and we speak... You're a mukhabad person. How does a mukhabad person behave? I do think it's actually intuitive. I do think that the Helekelakami Mal that we have from Akkadosh Baruch Hu knows what dignity is and if we listen to that inner godly voice it will tell us is this dignified or not. But this is a load-bearing transition here. We live in a society that has lost almost every shred of dignity. I can't say every shred but certainly almost every shred. I never talk about politics and the purpose of what I'm about to say The first thing I want to say is not to talk about politics. But when we were talking, let's say, about the previous President of the United States, so people said, like, okay, yeah, he's an animal, but, you know, like, I like his policies. Slow down.

30:26 What happens when you put somebody in front of an entire nation in perhaps the most dignified position in the country and he talks like an animal and he walks like an animal and behaves like an animal and everything is like a fight or a nasty comment. That permeates in society and becomes a part of the way that we are. It's definitely been since the 60s. It's definitely been like a slow roll but it's definitely a roll and moving in a very, Moshe Feintzim predicted this. Moshe said in the times of the 80s, or Moshe said that television was awesome. And people got very upset at him when he said that because the most controversial thing on television at the time was the Brady Bunch showed the mom and dad in bed in the bedroom together. They weren't doing anything, they were just sitting in the same bed. So taboo, it was like, whoa, they're in the bedroom together and you saw them in bed.

31:52 This is the breakdown of society. I don't know what Rav Moshe would have thought if he knew that there was a show about games and thrones and different dragons and all sorts of things. No, Rabbi, I watch it for the story. Sure you do. We did lose a sense of dignity. To tap into the innate dignity is very, very, very difficult today. Because when we speak about this, it's always going to be about sensitivities. The difference between undignified and dignified is very small brushstrokes. They tell a story about R'shel Mefreifel that he sounded good rockin'. R'shel Mefreifel went over to Abacher who was davening with his one leg crossed over the other. And he put his arm around his shoulder and he said that the Mona Lisa is the most beautiful painting because every brushstroke is perfect. That's not the way we sit during davening.

32:39 I remember I had a Rebbe in sixth grade whose name was Rebbe Glenn. I was davening with my hands in my pockets, and in a very kind way he came over to me and said, Do me a favor, daven with your hands in your pockets. And even today, I'm 41 years old, if I ever slip to put my hands in my pockets, I hear a big glen say, Do me a favor, take your hands out of your pockets. So I'm always doing a big glen a favor, because my hands always somehow end up in my pockets. It's like there's a dignity to it. Can I tell you exactly what it is? Why it's undignified to have your hands in your pockets during davening? I can't really, it's just a small brush stroke. Now I saw it with Mary Rebbe. Mary Rebbe is a, now he's 94 years old, but when he was Mary Rebbe and he was in his late 70s and his early 80s, so he had tremendous dignity. You'd walk into the base of Manish, he was quite tall, walk into the base of Manish, standing very straight, and he would survey the territory.

33:32 It was like a melech just walked into the room, and he would look around, and he would like look at it, and his presence was felt in the base of Manish, and like at 11 o'clock every day, When he walked in, he was like, Rebbe's here. I can't tell you what it was exactly, but he stood with a certain majesty. Something that I don't think we see today from their leaders, certainly in the secular world, and something that unfortunately has pervaded our society. Just a small personal story that we brought up. I don't know why this came to me, but I just feel like I want to share. When I was in Shana Gebul, Dalin Hey, I don't know at one point in my seminary career, I was very very close with a certain family in Harnov who are the the picture of Kavod and when I say Kavod I mean to themselves to others to concepts to ideas to values and me and their daughter who were good friends sat on the couch one night and we were schmoozing and it must have been 1 o'clock in the morning and her father Rebbe Raph came out of his room basically Shabbat

35:15 A picture of a moment where I understood Qavod. The next question is a little controversial and it's very 2022. So before I say the question I'll just tell you that as I may have shared with you before I joined Torin D'Abora I worked for a kira program for many years and any time the topic that I'm about to touch upon came up The type of questions that we would get would typically go along the lines of why do we have to bla bla bla as women? Why do men get to bla bla bla? Why do we have all these halakhos of Batsnyas? Why do men get to learn Gemara? Do you hear the distinction and the way the question is phrased? S Is somehow a privilege. What makes dignity something that is more relevant to women in terms of

36:49 Halachic... Go ahead and say it. I think when you sent me some questions that is it different. So I guess you know when I saw that and I said well I don't think the word dignity, we're not talking about tzinniyez here, we're talking about dignity. So I don't think that dignity would be different for men and women. If you guys are, I don't know how even the challenge went, but you know if you're saying are there different Halachos tzinniyez for men and women, Yes, there are. Do men have halakhosoptsaniyas? Yes, they do. But dignity, I don't think, is different for men and women. And I think even in many ways for women, I've shared with people who are in my classes, like I do a lot of study around, you know, I also share a lot of my classes, like femininity and masculinity and the different aspects.

37:50 Aspects and women have a real innate dignity meaning there's a very deep place you know there's actually in some ways it's somewhat easier for us because we're more internal right and walking you know carrying ourselves with this you know sense of who I am inside is so important Nitzotzos Rav Baruch The people of Taniyas are not necessarily women, they're men. It's Shaul HaMelech, it was one of the great people who was known as the most, it's a new one, it's actually very interesting. This is a great story that I like to share with Navi, that when David HaMelech was dancing before the Aramkodesh, when it was brought back to Eretz Yisrael, so he was dancing with all his heart.

39:13 Manach Bar-Hayyom Melch Yisrael In such an open way, how is that dignified? And He answered your back very strong. I don't remember the exact words in the thing. He said, you think, that was not Mechubad. First of all I was dancing before Hashem. I was dancing a couple of before Hashem. But He said, you're thinking that whatever I dance outward was as deep as it is inside. And what I have inside is much, much, much deeper than what anybody else saw. I think an important thing about dignity and I think this applies to men and to women is You never want to be that like Whatever you see is what you get, right? You want to be covered up enough you want to be dressed in a certain way Speaking in a certain way acting in a certain way that it doesn't say like this is what I am it says It says I'm a person and if you want to get to know me I'd love to have a conversation with you. You know, my mind, my soul, my essence is so much more

40:44 than what you see out here. You would never want to be that anybody would think that whatever is seen on the outside is what's really on the inside. So I think that's much more the essence of what What is the significance of what sin is and what dignity is, is that your internal self should always be more deeper than whatever it is that's going on. Shabbat Naxx, many years ago from when we used to not know about these things. So what was that? I heard from others that one time maybe he tried to tackle Lanza Morna. I'm not saying he'll just say it, you know what I'm saying? What was that? It was Lanza Morna. He lives in England, near a friend of mine actually. So, Stan Van Gundy pretty ridiculously went on social media and said, tell me how you could believe in the Old Testament and the Old Testament is so sexist. Which is a weird thing for an NBA coach to be like posting on Twitter. Like, mindish mitha, I've seen that. So of course all the Yidim piped up. And so the Reformed Jews were like, that's like, you know, old

42:19 Abtoil Judaism You should like, come to reform Judaism Everything is totally equal and Stanban Gandhi goes, Yeah but you're just ignoring the Torah It was like... Stanban Gandhi was calling out reform Jews who were being reformed Jews. It was amazing So it's interesting how we're talking about the Rambam, the Rambam says that a king is not allowed to be cross-examined If the king saw a crime being committed and he wanted to testify, he couldn't testify because he's not allowed to be cross-examined Why is the king not allowed to be cross-examined? Because it's undignified. You ever see a country you didn't? Have you ever heard of this movie A Few Good Men? You Can't Handle the Truth? It's a famous scene in the movies where he's being cross-examined and he's really coming after him and he goes, I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. And it's undignified to be on the witness stand. And in that very same halacha, the Ramban says that a woman is also not allowed to testify for the very same reason, because it would be undignified For her to be cross-examined there is no halacha like that about men Which Says And this is not something we should be embarrassed about I Don't Think It's Controversial Men And Women Are Different That's Not A Bad Thing That's A Good Thing Today we blur the lines on everything And again I don't like these like sort of conversations, these comments

43:34 But I'm sure many of you know that roe v. Wade Is Being Abolished In America And It's A Big Hock Somebody on social media said, women should be entitled to choose. And Ben Shapiro posted, and he said, okay, so we acknowledge that they're women. Right? Like, it's a baseline. Okay, we get it. Like, okay, that's a man, that's a woman. Let's start off with that, right? Men do not have the right to choose. So I don't think we have to be embarrassed. In the Torah, we believe very deeply that there's such a thing called masculinity and femininity. And it's a clear unlock on the Ramban. Women have a more natural innate dignity than men. Halaqah, for example, women don't go to fight in battles. That's a masculine thing to do. It would not be a dignified thing to do for a woman to go fight in a war. It doesn't mean that men are less, it doesn't mean that women are better. It's certainly not a good thing to do.

44:42 Hallech Ha'alacha always reflects the reality. Hallech is not a commandment that tells us what to do. Hallech is the revelation of what is. And the halacha is clear. There are more hosasniyas for women than for men. And it's not to suggest that it's not hard. Of course it's hard. But it's a revelation of the reality that there's a certain innate dignity that deserves to be protected and cultivated and to be honest with you, it's something you should be proud of. By the way, if you're asking the question, how come the guys get to learn Humara and not the girls? I can introduce you to many guys that would be happy to trade. Don't think the grass is greener. We're going to ask one last question, and then if anybody here has any questions that we can touch upon briefly. And the last question is, and I guess this would be a very good segue into the girls sharing their experiences or asking questions, What would you say are the challenges that we're faced with in this area?

45:42 There's a beautiful quote. We spoke about this in my class, so you probably weren't listening, but that's okay. From the Art of War, let's see if anyone remembers. If you know yourself, if you know the enemy, just ring a bell at all. Okay, great. So there's a whole beautiful long quote that discusses basically knowing what you're up against. What are the challenges in this area? I'm not very involved at all. I'm not on any social media, anything like that. And I don't Instagram Twitter. I don't do any of that stuff. But I think, when you're speaking about the president, the old president, this world people are not very dignified. You know, if you're ... I think the more we're connected to these, when we're connected to people, how people are speaking, how people are behaving, how people ... the more we are like watching that, the more we're imbibing that, the less sensitive that we become.

47:11 And that's the thing. You also mentioned something about sensitivity. Like, sensitivity is something very delicate, is something really important to hold on to. And when we kind of lose it, it's hard. It's hard to regain. My Lord is a Christian. So, the more we're, you know, as I said, like, when we have good models, and we have people in our world that we see act dignified and speak in a dignified manner. So we wanna, you know, we wanna cultivate those relationships. We wanna look at them as models. And in the world, we have to be careful, you know, who we're looking at and what we're reading and what we're seeing. All of the things I've done, I've worked as an actuary. I worked in the city downtown and I actually took the A train from Farakawee, which is about the most disgusting train you could take from Farakawee to downtown Manhattan.

48:11 I worked in AIG and I happen to have had a very, very respectable Irish Catholic boss whose name happened to be Pat Riley, but he happened to have been a very respectable human being. I worked there for basically a year until I couldn't take it anymore. Anyway, working as an actuary is a very clean job for the most part. Dressed carefully, people in general spoke appropriately, it's not like advertising, it's pretty clean. And I'm sorry, was that... My entire family's an advertising, I'm just saying. I know that's what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, no, it's true. It's true. Anyway, let me say, everybody, people were mostly appropriate, but I dressed like a Tznez woman, I dressed always with Tznez, I wore a shaytil, whatever. And people were very... Like people knew, like I was from. I was in a meeting and somebody else got very upset about something, numbers or something like that, you know, and he said like some sort of curse.

49:14 I don't even remember what he said. He said something very strong and it was not an appropriate word. And afterwards my immediate boss came over to me. He really apologized to me and he said, I'm really sorry you had to hear that. Tanya Rebbe Nachman Rebbe Nachman When you are a certain way, people want to behave a certain way around you. So I think it's not easy. I think it's really a matter of sensitivity. I think it's really a matter of staying connected, staying connected both with learning and both to your internal sense of self and your own sense of dignity. Having good models, having good friends, being careful about what you look at, what you read, what you see, what you pay attention to, and really trying to hold onto sensitivity in a world that is really, really, really, really not dignified.

50:41 I'll just share very quickly one quote. I saw this quote a bit ago. I took a screenshot of it because I loved it. May we stop seeing ourselves through the eyes of people that never saw us. I thought that was a really powerful quote. I think a lot of us do that, right? There are people that don't see us. They're in our lives. They don't see us. They don't see us. They don't see through to who we are. And those people communicated messages to us. And very often we've adopted their eyes in the way that we see ourselves. And if we're acting in an undignified fashion, perhaps we're acting out a vision that doesn't belong to us. And it would be interesting to take a step back and to think, who were the people in your life that were there but never saw you? And who let you know that you were less than?

51:37 Nitzotzos V

53:04 Because we're little and we take in those narratives, we say they must be true. We always act out our inner negative beliefs. We have to because it has to come up through us in order to release it. So we all have to go through this period of behaving in an undignified way so that as it comes up from inside of us and we're behaving that way, it also touches us and we go, eh, that doesn't feel very good. Maybe we keep doing it over and over again because the narrative is so deeply embedded And it takes time for it to come out and sometimes it could take a year and sometimes it could take ten years, and sometimes it could take fifty years. And it takes time for people to be able to let go of that part of themselves that's no longer working for them. And so one thing I think just to leave you off with is, if you do find yourself struggling in the area of dignity, which I imagine we all will, and you can remember how good it feels right now to act in a dignified fashion, ask yourself which narration is the I think one of, for me personally, one of my biggest takeaways from tonight was actually a theme that keeps coming up in Mrs. Burg's answers, which is this idea of your ability to tap into your dignity impacts your surroundings, it impacts people around you.

54:25 And I think we've talked about this in the last few years, and I think that's what Some people are a thermometer and some people are thermostat. Some people read the temperature in the room and adjust themselves accordingly. Some people set the temperature in the room and the room adjusts itself to reflect that temperature. A great hack, just a great practical hack is surround yourselves with people who are thermostats that set your room to the setting that you want to be comfortable in, that you want to live in. I mean, to be surrounded by certain language, certain values, certain beliefs or patterns And fool yourself that you'll be able to claw your way out of that thinking 24-7 is a little Ambitious and frankly it's just a little tiring right? It'S much much more pleasant to go through life being carried in the direction that you want To be carried by those around you I'M actually going to bow out gracefully at this point

55:46 Everybody fix is going to take over. But we really want to hear from you. I mean this room is full of thermostats. You are the the DIF winners of this year. And that's not stuff. I think you all have what to gain from each other and all of what to gain from your own experience. I always say we don't grow from an experience. We grow from reflecting upon an experience. You could go through something and not grow through it unless you stop it. I'm going to have an effect on it so we're going to take this opportunity to reflect on whatever it was that you experienced, and please take videos and some of them.