Transcript
Automatic transcript; may contain mistakes, especially in Hebrew.
Ladies, I'd like to start by thanking a few people that are in this room that besides for the thank yous for tonight in particular, it's a thank you for the entire project, the entire DIF Challenge experience. I'm going to start from a particular order actually. In no particular order, I'd like to thank Kava, I think she's taking a chance. Thank you, Kava, we're clapping for you. Wherever you are, she's not even there. So you can tell her that she was thanked and clapped for. I'd like to thank your unbelievable DIP Challenge heads. They worked so, so hard. I just want you to realize, and this was just a fraction of what they did. Think of every single one of you and how many points you got, just you, okay? We're counting hundreds of points each. Those points alone, they counted each and every single one of them and kept track of them and didn't make mistakes and there were baruch Hashem, dozens more girls just like you who got that same ballpark of points. That's a tremendous, tremendous amount of work Work and Focus and Dedication on a daily basis for a month, besides the creativity that they put in, decorating the school, a million other things.
You are the real winners of the chara for this entire DIF experience. So another class that you can consider. Next, I'd like to thank the fixes, we're waiting for the next time, and thank you for opening up their homes in Ms. Fix. I'd like you to hear this, that there are few things that would be big enough of an incentive for girls to dedicate a month of their life to a very challenging goal. And having the birds and the fishes in the same room is one of the few that would get this level of motivation. So that's really credit to you, which leads us to our last and final things for today. Just to be clear, you're leaving now, right? That's right. And lastly the birds that are here. Just update me because I don't know how long he's gonna, so if I can, I'm gonna make it. Yes. Sure. Okay. Thank you.
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And lastly the birds that I mean I know that you all realize how precious every minute of their time is and I know you all realize how precious every word that comes out of their mouths in the Shammah are and dedicating an entire evening to this is a tremendous tremendous close that I just keep She just said that when I announced the prizes, this is a true story, I don't remember who said this but maybe she's sitting in this room. But when I announced the prizes I announced the grand prize which is a 500-checkled shopping spree and then I announced the Burgbecue. And the girl came over to me after and she said, Mrs. Liff, I don't know what to do. I'm aiming for the Burgbikyu and I'm scared that I'll mistakenly get too many points and win the grand prize and not be able to go to the Burgbikyu.
And I had to tell her, she said, can you let me know when I reach enough points so I don't win? That's a true story. If you're in this room, I don't remember who I was that said this, but I actually don't think she's in this room. She actually went under a date. But anyway, that just goes to show how valuable this event is. Without further ado, let us begin our panel. Anything you want to say while I look for questions? Shabbat teshuva emunah bi'yim teshuva emunah bi'yim teshuva emunah bi'yim teshuva emunah Apologize, let's say for example if you embarrassed somebody, so the person you're apologizing to would like to be apologized to Berabim. Whereas you embarrassed me in front of Reuven and Shimon, I'd like Reuven and Shimon to be present for the apology that's being made. And not so Hakadosh Baruch Hu, not so Hakadosh Baruch Hu Rashi says, Rashi says Hakadosh Baruch Hu is happy if you apologize, he doesn't need anybody else there.
It's a it's a beautiful idea. Shabbos, what does it have to do with sneeze? Why is that sneeze? So I was thinking about it, and I think perhaps the concept is as follows When we think about dignity So dignity is a choice to be godly over being an animal. That's fundamentally what the choice is For example to speak in an undignified fashion Evolutionary biologists will tell you that there are certain predatory beings, whether they are birds from above or snakes from below, that primates have been trained to utter very guttural sounds in order to alert the other primates that there is a threat from above or from below.
Right? So what they're doing when they speak in an undignified fashion is they're basically choosing to live on a primal level. And when a person lives on a primal level, so basically they're in fight or flight mode. That's basically what a primate does. A primate is designed to survive. So once survival is in play, you're automatically acting in an undignified fashion. Because you're basically acting as an animal. So if you think about any of the things that come up in your world when you think about the word dignity, or when you think about what it would look like to be undignified, so the idea is that undignified behavior is fundamentally, I'm in an animalistic mode, where what I'm doing is designed to help me survive. So if let's say a person is attracting attention to themselves in an undignified fashion, right? Why are we doing that?
What's coming up for us that we need to display ourselves in such a primal fashion, right? It comes from an inner lack of worthiness. It comes from like, it's not a self-oriented place. It's an impoverished mentality because I'm afraid of what will be otherwise, right? So I need to attract that attention in an undignified way because I'm acting fundamentally like an animal. It's the same thing with speech. It could be the same thing with dress. It could be in a million different things. It could be, you know, even as we relate to other people. There's basically like an impoverished mentality that exists that puts us in survival mode. And in survival mode, we will always act in an undignified fashion. So what gives us the capacity then to act in a dignified fashion? How do we have the ability to rise above our animal primal self that we all have to act in a dignified fashion?
So the design of the DIF Challenge is really to get you, if you think about it, it's not for a barbecue. In fact that might be the opposite. It's a funny sort of end to a dignity challenge. I'm the big barbecue guy, but it's not exactly what one would think. The 500 Shekel Shopping Spree I assume only for a certain type of material. Okay, but the idea of the DIF challenge is basically to get you to become cognizant of what it looks like to be godly. It's to train yourself in a certain way. Shiloh is, does it last? Does it last? Five years from now, ten years from now? Does that dignity last? I think the answer might be no. And I don't think that's probably the answer that Mrs. Lipp was looking for. But I'll share with you why. I'll share with you why. I'll share with you why.
Because there's two types of people that come through this DIF challenge. There are those that say, I'm going to be dignified for a month. My gut tells me that in 10 years from now, you probably aren't going to continue to be dignified. Because just training yourself to be in a certain way for a month, I'm not saying that. Now that you've tasted what it looks like to lead a dignified life, so the question is, how do you stay in there? So I think this is what Rashi is trying to communicate with us. It's a very subtle, very sophisticated idea. Rashi and his godless was communicating to us something very precious. There's a lack of innocence that everybody at this table has, including myself. Are we really worthy of Hashem's love and connection? That's a fundamental question that we all have. Some of us have that question because of our past, some of us have that question because of our present, even some of us have that question because of our future.
Because I don't know really what the future holds and a person cannot necessarily fathom leading an innocent life. It's like you have this question before Yom Kippur comes up all the time, guys in Yeshiva say, is it worth doing teshuva?
How am I going to lead a dignified life? But then you have to project that forward and you're coming into contact with the problem. The problem with dignity is shame. How am I going to lead a dignified life if fundamentally I think I'm unworthy of love and connection because the avaris that I've done, the avaris that I'm doing, or the avaris that I know that I will do? And so to that Rashi says, Hatznei alecha semalokacham means that Hakadosh Baruch stands ready to forgive. There is no need like by Bas and Radom to bring other people into the equation. The posture of Hashem is ready to forgive. What it looks like to be in a relationship with Hashem is basically simplicity. I'm walking next to God in a simple way with that deep feeling of innocence because I know that God stands ready to forgive.
The equation, if you followed it up until now, stands something like this. Fundamentally, if you have a belief that you're unworthy of love and connection, so you'll be in a modality where you're basically in survival. And if you're in survival mode, you'll be acting like an animal, you'll be acting like a brute, and the result will be undignified behavior that's designed to protect you. However, if you believe that Hakadosh Baruch Hu stands ready to forgive because he doesn't expect perfection, he understands our humanity better than we other stand our humanity. And what Hakadosh Baruch Hu seeks for us to be is simply a process, the process of over and over and over again correcting course and reorienting yourself. So Hakadosh Baruch Hu stands ready to forgive.
And so what we have here tonight is an inflection point in our lives. For a month you've behaved in a way that's not necessarily organic to the way that you see the world. You might see the world from a deep place of shame, but what Mrs. Liff has accomplished is she showed you, she's given you a taste of what it would look like to lead an innocent life. Seyf. But this is only a, I would say, 5% of the equation. The work now, hopefully the work that you began to do, and maybe you even saw over the last month, as you began to behave differently, is I am always worthy of loving connection. I'm always in a state of innocence. I'm not in survival mode. I don't need to attract attention. I'm already enough for myself. I I don't need to speak in an undignified way to protect myself because I'm not under attack.
I don't have an impoverished mentality, I have an abundance mentality. I'm not looking for a massive amount, I'm looking for enough. There's something very... How should we say this? There's something undignified about these lifestyles where people are just basically, you know, consuming massive quantities of material. I'm not saying that fundamentally there's something identifying with wealth, but there's a level of opulence that I think we've become accustomed to in today's society. I don't mean to speak negatively about the Jewish community, but it's worth a conversation. Why do we have the weddings that we have? Why are we doing that? Why are we building the houses that we're building? Why do we have the cars that we have? Why is there this materialistic sort of pursuit that exists? And I don't, again I'm not saying anything specific about anybody specific, but I'm saying in a general sense, one wonders what is the nature of the impoverished mentality that is driving this consumer culture.
So we understand that in the secular world, that there's no fundamental lack of worthiness, so I understand why we would build a consumer culture. But in Yiddish kite it's not meant to be that way. We're not meant to simply be consuming for the sake of consuming. Whatever we have is designed to be used for our culture sparkle. So, you know, when we're driving through these, you know, neighborhoods, Jewish neighborhoods with these massive houses and the fanciest cars, one could almost perceive a certain lack of, I don't want to say of dignity, but of dignity. There's a certain lack of tzinnias to it. Many years ago, I won't say which neighborhood, but many years ago I had this chosav here and a shiur from the author of Bovavi Mishkanavna. You know that's a shurv Bovavi Mishkanavna? So Ravitamar Schwartz is the balmachabra. So I heard shear from him and the shiur happened to have been in quite a wealthy neighborhood.
And I believe that it was his first trip in America. He had never left Eretz Yisrael before that trip. So he came to America and he was speaking in the shul and many people came out to hear him because we had all learned this afer, Bovavi. N'sepir M'vavi And he gets up there with a beautiful smile on his face and he says, the neshamah and the guf are a 50-50 partnership. You must have enormous neshamahs. And there was like an uncomfortable laugh in the crowd. It was like, ooh. But there is. There's a certain when our guf outpaces our neshamah, there's a reason for it. It's because there's Adzne'a Lekhesh is a person who walks next to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, the simplicity of innocence brings that dignity to the rest of their life. And that's really the goal. This is a starting point to show you, to give you a taste. Sometimes we're so, we're so in-racked in this undignified behavior that we don't even know what it looks like to lead a dignified life. And then just by taking a look at the And then just by taking a step back and you're like, oh, that feels much better, you know, and then you wonder why, right?
Why does it feel better to lead a dignified life? The answer is because you're living in harmony with your godly soul. That will always feel better. But now the the rest of the work has to happen. The shift to an abundance mentality, the shift that I'm always standing in a state of innocence in front of Akal Teshmara Chul, and then letting that level of dignity permeate out into your life. And, I shouldn't say these things too much for Rabin, as I'll say we should only give a small measure of praise in front of a person, who are about to hear from Rebitzenberg. And I've been married to the Rebitzen for 21 years now, and I will tell you that there's not a person that I've met in this world that has more dignity than Rebitzenberg. I don't think, if I'm being honest with you, I don't think it's a function only of her upbringing, though from what I understand her father was a man of great dignity in a certain sense, in the way he comported himself.
So there's certainly, one might think, just a genetic quality to it, but I don't think that's the case. I think that when you see a person who's in a state of growth, really working on themselves, to live a life of harmony, I think the dignity that I see and I think that you've seen is the result. So without further ado, I have no idea what the word adieu means. I often say without further ado, thinking that it means we shouldn't wait anymore, I have to look it up. That accent is putting together a lot of the pieces that we're speaking about. I think we're going to speak about them when we answer questions but the idea of deep sense of worthiness is definitely going to be a theme of this evening. I just was, it's a pleasure for me and an honor for me to be here, right? I really trust to be here.
And looking around this room, this is a very disphrowd. And I know you guys have worked pretty hard you know this past month to be able to be here. You've made it, Baruch Hashem. But also I, you know, I've experienced, you know, many of you over the last couple months and I'm like, I think for For somebody who really, this is pretty natural, and also, as We keep coming back, we keep behaving in that way, we keep working on ourselves and our sense of worthiness. So what I want to share with you this evening is a very short introduction. As you all know, one of my favorite things is the women in Tanakh, the people in Tanakh. And I'll probably tell you that this evening I'm going to speak about some of my favorites, but you know that that's all of them.
But really it's some of my favorites tonight. So it's not all of them, but many. We just finished the holiday of Purim. And of course we learned a little bit about M'Gos Esther. And Esther is one of my favorites. And she was Esther Malcolm. She embodied Malcolm. And Gemara brings out, like where did she come? Where did she get that capacity to have Malcolm? How was she Zoha? Rua is also connected to Sari Meno, we are also connected to someone else as well. So another one of my favorites that we learned about a little bit ago is Rakhal Ameno. We all know the story of Rakhal Ameno, on her wedding night. Mary Tiakulovino and her father switched her for Leah and she gave Leah the signs and she allowed Leah to be married to Yakul. She didn't know she was going to be married to Yakul. She really gave up everything. That one decision. Even though she ended up marrying Yakul, she still gave up the ability to be married to be buried next to him.
She still gave up a lot of, you know, she really gave over to her sister some things that really she would have wanted for herself. So the Gemara asks, what is the mida that enabled Rachel to give over to her sister? What is the mida that enabled Rachel to allow her sister to become the wife of Yahweh in her place? So you might think Ammida would be Chasseh, right? She's a big ballast Chasseh, that's kindness, right? She's a big vatranit, right? She's mevat there. She allowed another person to, you know, she stood back. So the Gemara says, and the Gemara Billah says, B'Sar tzniut, shaytav vavu racham, zach tav v'yatzam menescha'u. So in the Suosapher Tzilut that Rachol had, so Shaul came from her. Shaul Amelop, right? The first king of Qayy so. Ubershared Tzilut Sh'ayyabob T'sh'Shaul and in the spar of the Tzilut that Shaul had, Zachar v'yatsarim and Oestar.
So there's like a parallel, right? There was the Tzilut and Rachael. Shotor was also a very Tseunyue. Esther became a makah from that. So what is this language of the Snyud? She gave to her sister the Snyudim and some of her she would say that her sister was a Noh. But she didn't even know that she was giving them the portion. We also spoke with her. She was actually in that room that night and she still didn't say a word. She acted as if to allow her to think that Leah was her. So what does that mean that was that snoozed? What does that mean, snoozed? So we have to think about something very important. And we've spoken about some of these ideas of pulling them together. But for a woman, her house is her castle. That's the truth, right? My husband used to say, like, oh, I live in Mevaseret and I sleep in Murmavi Chana.
So I have a saying, right? My house, my home is where I'm meant to be. My home is where I work. Everything that I do and that's the place where I'm surrounded. My family, that's my place of business. That's the truth. I was sitting thinking today, getting ready for this evening. And I'm like getting ready. I was shopping for Pesach, cleaning the house, cooking, putting the kids to sleep. And I'm like, okay, my home is my castle. That's where I am. But even more so in like the intimate relationship between husband and wife, right? So it's an intimate relationship, right? You want to be the only one. Right? She wants to be the one and only. So what does it mean that she had sinew? That she gave over to her sister to allow her to marry back over the ego?
She is very kind and she is very kind ineath ineath ineath ineath that I recognize and it's also very interesting to connect with that when I have that inner sense of worthiness and I don't have that sense of like deprivation I'm okay giving another person space cause I'm really okay right? I'm here with Hashem so I have a deep it's very interesting actually we're not going to go into this really but in comparison Rachael and Lleyah, Rachael had a deep sense of worthiness a deep sense of okness that she could make space for another I'm not saying against Lleyah there's stiams and it's just a false claim Shabbat She is able to give because of her Ma'chut means I am really a reflection of God in this world, which again connects back to what you were saying. If I act with dignity, I reflect in God in this world, I am acting from a place of inner godliness.
Shavam Melech is not a bad name. The Qazi yisrael wanted the rest of the G-d, the pomp and circumstance and the clothing and everything else. But a real Melech Yisrael is somebody who reflects godliness in this world. And as we saw with Esther Mavteh as well, all she was doing was reflecting godliness. It wasn't about her. Everything in the Megillah was Hanmelech. Everything in the Megillah was I'm standing before Ah She didn't speak for the first nine years. She didn't speak about herself. She wasn't allowed to tell people who she was. So what does that mean? How does that work? You're in the palace of the king and you're not allowed to speak about yourself. What do you speak about for nine years? If any of us wouldn't speak about ourselves, we probably wouldn't speak very much. It wouldn't take an hour. Our favorite word is I. I mean, me, me, me.
So it says that she had these seven maid servants. What did she speak about? She spoke about them. She asked them, how are you doing? What's meaningful to you? What's important to you? And it says that all of those maid servants, when it became known that Esther was a Jew, they all converted. They said, we want to be part of that. When you're around a person who has a deep sense of worthiness and And reflects godliness in this world its magnetic so they all wanted a part of that they all wanted to be connected to her So when we can say like you know this is what again if you ask me we'll go to questions but this is to me what dignity means When I have a deep sense of worthyness when I've snedd lathat amakadosh in Hashem ulfedam right If I am walking with Hashem, when I want everything that I do, the way I speak, the way I dress, the way I behave, the way I comport myself in every situation, to be just a reflection of godliness, so there's something so deep and magnetic about that.
I hope people just want a piece of that. People just, it's, it's a dignity that's so deeply wounded that you don't have to say anything, right? It's automatically like a natural attraction. So anyway, with that I want to open up for questions for Israel. So, okay, we're going to open the questions to everyone. Just a quick huddle, one second. We do have some questions prepared and in the meantime I encourage you all to think about your own questions which you will get a chance to ask as well. The first question I think is one that we all would answer very differently now than we would of when the DIF Challenge was first presented. In fact, I think one of the biggest takeaways from the DIF Challenge is how little thought we had given this question up until that point. And every year, and I told you this and you've probably seen it yourself, it takes a few days until the girls kind of get the hang of what Dif is. Do you know what I'm talking about? In the first few days it's like I called my grandma to wish her the Chavish, Dif moment. Yeah, until we kind of get the hang of what Dif is.
So the first question for tonight, and I think that again, your perspective, the best definition I ever heard of experiencing MS was like this. This I heard from my seminary rabbi Mmm, I'm not a year ago when I was a year old. The best definition is that the experience of experiencing MS is you think A, you realize B, and you can't understand how you ever thought A before. So that's a little bit of what happened over the DIP Challenge. And I want to kind of bring you back to that question, which is how do you define dignity? What is dignity? Let us adieu for a minute. I think we both shared a lot of those ideas in the last couple minutes. I actually was looking at the questions before and I said, okay, we'll look this up in the dictionary. It says, the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect. It's very funny. My daughter's son, I love him, she's like, why are you looking something up in a dictionary? That's not a total resource. I'm like, I'm just curious to hear what the world has to say about that. So then I was thinking for a couple minutes and I think what we spoke about was Divinity is a deep sense of wordiness, a deep sense of godliness. It's an abundance mentality. It says,
Hashem is the source of all goodness, and I'm connected to him, and I have a piece of him inside of myself, and I'm behaving from a place of self-respect, a place of respect for that great Nefeshech Elohim I behave from that place, you know, self-respect. There's also a self-responsibility, right? It doesn't mean like, you know, it means like I take care of myself and I also act from a place of responsibility to uphold, you know, that godliness that's within me. How do you get to that state if you don't naturally feel so worthy, if you're not walking around feeling full inside which Khazosh Haal none of us have ever felt, right? But let's say someone in a different school were to feel that way, right? How do you reach being fit?
I think just because we don't feel some way doesn't mean that's not who we truly are. The fact that we can cover up who we are is a part of what it means to be human. We all develop parts of ourselves that are designed to protect ourselves. It doesn't mean that we are our parts, but we over-identify with these parts to the degree I was talking to a guy in Yeshiva the other day, and he said he's been anxious for so long that he doesn't know what it looks like to be apart from his anxiety. It's just it's so much who he is at this point. And he's now like first in the process of discovering his own voice. But that's not something that he's like culling from the outside. That was always there, just that this part of him was so protective that he forgot who Worthy of honor or respect. That was a part that was designed to protect you. You needed
to feel shame because that's what you thought would keep you moving in the right direction. It's a mistake, but we think that shame will orient us into where we need to go. The only problem is that you can't hate yourself into change, no matter how hard you try. It's like drinking poison water. It will quench your thirst, but it will destroy your system. So The idea of shame is in its toxic form. The idea of shame is that if I'm disgusted by myself, if I'm disgusted by my behavior, then I'll change and I'll be worthy of love and respect. But then we have a vision of ourselves that we're not worthy of love and respect, and then we act in an undignified fashion, and then it's a vicious cycle because the more that I act in an undignified fashion, the more that I believe I'm unworthy of love and respect, and so on and so forth until you end up rock bottom.
Alternatively, you could recognize that this part of you that was trying to orient yourself towards success was a beautiful part, but it was misguided. So it needs to be in the car. Shame is an important part of being a human being. We know that Chazal say that to be a Baishah, to be somebody who has a sense of shame is part of what it means to be a Jew. We do things that are unworthy of our godly soul. Okay, so that's uncomfortable. I think the way Dr. Abraham J. Twersky put it was that guilt or healthy shame would be like the bumps on the side of the highway. You know when you're drifting a little bit because you're fixing something on your screen, right? And then it's like, oh, you know, like, that's what it should be. It should be more than that. So there's nothing wrong with shame if it's in the proper proportion.
The problem is that once it's not in the proper proportion, so we over-identify with shame, and then it's like, then we have to go to therapy to figure out what it means to be worthy of love and connection. That's not really something you need to discover from the outside. That's really your natural state of being. So it's more just like reorienting that part, recognizing that you're not unworthy of love and respect, right? And then using that to keep you on the straight and narrow, but understanding that fundamentally you're okay. I think that's probably the best I can do. Yeah, I was thinking about it also differentially. You said, how do you learn to be dignified? How can you be dignified? It's not your natural way. That was the question. So I was thinking about, I would speak about, there's an outside in approach and there's an inside out approach.
I always like the inside out approach. We'll talk about, we'll speak about both of them. I think with dignity, I would say, What's the difference between the different Incobrosive and the different people of different languages? How do you appreciate it? I think that's part of what the DIF Challenge was, was if you start to behave in different ways, do you start to feel different inside? When I heard it throughout the DIF Challenge and girls are like, you know I was on the bus and I was going to yell out to my friend but I chose not to and I felt very different after that. Or I chose to wear socks and shoes today as opposed to my slippers. I just feel different because I'm showing up in a more respectable way. And I think that's the outside-in approach, which I think is also really meaningful when it comes to Sennu I don't want to yell out loud in the street anymore.
Or change a way that we dress, a certain type of clothing. I think we feel different. I think when we choose to do things differently, we feel different inside. And again, I think it's very meaningful. I think that other mifalka fiqulosa, we are brought to the way we behave. We are drawn in that direction. So it is very meaningful to change the way we behave or speak or address and it does have a deep effect on ourselves. And then there's also the inside out approach, right? As we've been speaking about the deep sense of worthiness, the deep sense of godliness. I think it was people who work on that, you know, of like really connecting to that part inside of ourselves and connecting to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. The more we feel ourselves, the more we feel our own internal godliness, the more we'll naturally
He's a bad kid, but not like his parents. It's his first school behavior. He does not want to feel like, he also says. When his parents used to tell him he was doing something wrong, they wouldn't say that you're a bad kid. What they say is he can be aspars input. It's beneath you to be that way. Right? We say to our children. We hope. You're so much more worthy than that. It's not a worthy behavior for you. So when we feel. So again, there is the outside in. We choose to act differently, speak differently, dress differently and it makes a deep impression. Nitzotzos Mevasir Mevasir Mevasir
I think having a fun personality and being kooky can be a different way. I think I shared this with you, like Mrs. Lichtman is my example for that. As I shared with you, I met Mrs. Lichtman many, many years ago in Canada. I can say the circumstances. She knows I was in Stenburg, and she was a couple years old, I was a staff member and she's standing in the middle of the forest on top of a rock singing Disney tunes. And I saw her right away and I'm like, I want to be friends with her. And I did, and that's when we became very close that summer. And then, like, I don't know, we both grew up and we got married, had families, whatever. And then many, many years later, I bump into her and told him to go out. I remember being at the Hanukkah Masihba two years ago and she's dressed up and doing her thing and I'm like, that's awesome. She's still maintaining her personality.
I don't know, I got the memo, you're supposed to grow up and you're supposed to be serious and you're supposed to like, you know, toe the line in a certain way and behave in a certain way, you know? I was like, I don't know, Mrs. Lichtman? She's awesome like that. She can be totally deaf and also have a really fun personality. I got a little bit of taste of that. I don't know, somehow I got the memo that you have to be very serious when you grow up. But every so often, I don't really think it has to be a contradiction. I think there's a time, I think there's a place. I think there's, you know, I'll be honest, this program was so much fun for me. My kids totally wanted to disown me, which actually made it more fun. But I actually, you know, if I thought it wasn't it, I wouldn't have done it. Okay, I don't dress up usually and I definitely don't dress up any other day.
But I don't think anybody can recognize who I was. Anyway, I think it's okay to be kooky. I think it's okay to have personality. I think we have to know the time and the place. I don't think that our K chbaraka wants us to lose our personality. I think it's who we are. I don't think we could do it if we tried. But I think we also know, like, you know, I guess for the most part I don't think it that way. I'm not in mixed company for sure. But in my own home or in certain circumstances or in a seminary where I'm just with you guys hanging out, I'm not sure you heard what Rebbe Nachman said. I just want to make sure that you're If dignity means losing your personality, then either something is terribly wrong with your personality, or that's not dignity. And I'm pretty sure it's the latter. If you're a happy, bubbly, out-there person, don't stop doing that in the name of dignity. That's not dignified. Because if dignity means living in harmony with your godly soul, then God gave you this
He is literally made a living. I don't mind saying his name. His name is Yessi Haber. He is amazing. How he shows up to places. He came to us for Shabbos not that long ago. He just sat at the Shabbos table telling stories and my kids were laughing for hours. And he's a person who shows his full self or what people think is his full self when he goes out there and he's performing a gig But I I know him Much better than that. Alright, so he's you know putting on a show for the gig But his full self is only on range with those closest people What I mean? Does that make sense? Yeah, they use one. Do you have any tips and tricks for like raising kids that are different? Is this the thing besides for like embodying that? Do you find? That's an excellent question. I actually was funny as this question was going on I was thinking about someone that fit so I was thinking about you know um so I think I mean in general about raising kids um I think for the most part there's two main
Greetings. Whatever we are in our essence and the way we behave, the way we show off, the way we model is what our kids are going to see. Parenting is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week from the second that child was born forever. But there's no hiding. The way you are is exactly what your kids are going to see. What's important to you, what's meaningful to you, That's what they're going to say. So, you know, it is a saying that, sorry, probably one of my favorites, it says, you know, who you are speaks so loudly, I can't hear what you're saying, huh? Right? Who you are just speaks so loudly. Your kids are going to know who you are. They're going to know what's meaningful to you, they're going to know what's important to you, they're going to know how you behave in your tired moments, in your sick moments, in your moments when you get angry, they're going to know all that stuff. They're going to know how you should.
So there's no real short cut to parenting except for personal growth that you ask me. Right? It's just I need to keep working on myself to be the best person I can be. It's because my kids are watching. And if I want them to be the best people they can be, then I need to know that they're watching me all the time. I take that very seriously. And again, also how I show up in the home. How do I dress in public spaces? How do I speak in the home? How do I engage? What is my emotional regulation like? How do I, you know, I think is, I think your kids are going to know everything that you are and the greatest, I think, tip or tool for parenting is really the model one. Because they're going to, they're going to see, and I actually, I actually feel like we have a couple kids who have already gone away to seminary.
One of the very special things that I experienced is when they went away to seminary, we wrote them letters. You know, saying goodbye. If you love them and care about them, and really reflecting to them a lot of things. And they wrote us letters as well. And one of the beautiful things, and I have these letters and I cherish these letters, is they reflected back to me. Like, this is what I saw in your home. This is what I see as meaningful to you. This is what I see is important to you, not because it's things that I say. And it was actually really beautiful to see, like, the things that they just, they just were watching the whole time. So modeling, I think, is really important. And then the second thing which I would say is even more important is this doubt. Is just feel up. But really these are called historical children.
And knowing that. When I say this, Hashem, I say Hashem, these are your children, right? They're gonna take care of this for them. Koseh Baruch Luzah is his children and they have their own journey and that's gonna be, they need to navigate differently. You know, they're gonna need to navigate that and I know they need to. So just a few of them might take another minute or two. I was thinking about one of our children in specific who has a lot of personality and likes to do a lot of things and I was thinking about that because one of the teachings that I have from my Rebbe was from Nachman Vomen when I was in seminary and he said something that's so important with kids is don't quit their wounds. So we have this daughter, most of my kids are daughters, it's not a secret, and she's got a lot of personality.
And she needs a lot more space and she needs to do a lot more things. And I feel, we really, really try to give her those opportunities to really allow her to have her full personality in the places where it's more appropriate. It's actually interesting. She's right now at Las Mitzvah. She does dancing at Las Mitzvahs. She has a lot of talk, she dances, and she dances at Vashem Tzvos. And that's a place where she can be more fully expressing that part of herself in a totally appropriate way. She's going to be a main part in a show a couple days from now that her school is putting on. She's always on stage. That's where she belongs. And you know what? It's her personality. And this is what she needs, and sometime in the future she's going to be some big personality doing something big in the world. I don't know what that's going to be.
But as parents, we watch, we try not to put things, and daben, right? And also again, and it also takes, you know, there are times when we need to say, okay, we don't use the word diff in our house, but, you know, what is appropriate? What is speaking, dressing, behaving, like, you know, there's also, there's also a place of, I really just want to add to that one little tiny thing. This is not, there's no source for this, this is not objective, this is just my own personal observation. Even the things that your children don't see and will never see. And we'll never know about you Your spiritual accomplishment become their spiritual DNA It's Their Inheritance It's Mamash Mamash like that I think I shared this with you that Rabbi Tanmakles used to say That she worked on her marriage before she got married And she worked on her parenting before she had children Because every single choice that you make to overcome your nature To choose better, to choose different, it becomes your children's spiritual inheritance, lamash vamash. I really really believe that.
And just realize that even the things that you're doing now before they were born, the things that they'll never witness have an impact on the type of children that you will raise by zakotcham. Any other questions from the audience? Unless you're very much. There's really not one thing, and I think we will finish with this. If a kid grows up in a home and they don't feel safe and they don't feel like there's a deep sense of belonging, then they will lose track of that worthiness that leads them to lead, you know, dignified lives. So, our homes ought to be really, really safe places. Shabbat Shalom She's great, she's special. And we've told her that a million times. And I've heard from my wife, like, there's no such thing as, you know, telling a kid, they're awesome, too little. You know, like, just keep, just keep telling them, keep telling them.
And I think that if they can be their full self in the home, then they'll, they'll feel like worthy of love and connection. It's called attachment parenting. You know, I'm not sure that attachment parenting is the only model that I believe in. I do believe in a self that's worthy, even before parents love that child into being. Rebut Even in the way that we discipline our kids, it needs to be raising them up that they should believe in their inner worthiness.
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