Parshas Vayishlach: Dina: Indoors vs Internal

2:45 Because when did Leah go out? Anybody remember? When did Leah go out? It's a story we just spoke about a couple of moments ago. The story is that Reuven went out into the field and he found Dudaim. He gave them to his mother Leah. Leah and Rachel made a trade. Now Leah has Yaakov for the night. What does the pasuk say? Va'yavo Yaakov min Asada be'erev. Yaakov comes home from the field at night. Va'teitzei Leah likraso. And Leah goes out to greet him. Va'taymer elai tavo. You should come to me. Kisachar sechar ticha. I rented you for the night. Beduday b'ni with the Dudayim of my son. Ve'yishkav ima b'alai lohu when he was with her that night. And they had a child. Ve'yishmelu kimi Leah. God heard Leah. Va'tayr vateila Yaakov ben Chamishi. And she actually had a fifth son. Ve'tomar Leah naslana kimi Schari. You gave me schar.

3:52 Sacher sachartich. I rented you for the night. You gave me schar, and that's why she named. And that's where Yisachar gets his name. Look in Rashi. Rashi tells us she gets the dudaim. And she goes out. Sorry. She goes out to. I'm sorry, It's not Rashi, it's Medrash. She goes out to greet Yaakov. What's special about the fact that she went out to greet Yaakov? Tell me. Let's play it out. If Yaakov comes in from the sudah that night, whose tent was he supposed to go to? He was supposed to go to Rachel's tent. When he walks into Rachel's tent that night, what's going to happen? Rachel's going to say, "Kodalei, I traded for the Dudaim so that I could have this fertility drug, so that ultimately I would be able to have a child." So, really, what did Leah do? If you think deeply about it, what did Leah do?

5:14 Again, you're all reading into it. Which is good. But Pasha Psha, she just skipped a step. If Yaakov was going to end up by Leah, no matter what. But Leah went out to tell Yaakov, 'No, you're mine for the night.' Medrash says that what was exciting about this is as follows: Leah wanted to build Klal Yisrael. She wanted to be the one to have Shvatim. So she made the trade because she knew if she made the trade, she knew she was fertile. She knew that she could have another child. She didn't need to do daim to have children. So she went out. It means as follows: she was excited to tell Yaakov, "We're going to be able to build more shvatim together." If you look at the words of the pasuk, what does it say? Vayishma Elokim eleia. Va'taher va'teilim leYaakov ben Chamishi. God heard Leah, and she became pregnant, and she gave birth to a fifth son. What did Hakadosh Baruch Hu hear?

6:23 We never find that Leah actually davened any tefillah to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. All we know is that there was a trade. She went out. She tells Yaakov Avinu, 'You're coming to my tent tonight.' God hears Leah. She gets pregnant and has a fifth child. What did he hear? He heard the conversation between Yaakov and Leah. What did he hear in the conversation? The passion, the excitement, the enthusiasm. The exuberance that Leah had to be with Yaakov to create more shvatim. Memela, Kol Dosh Baruch Hu says, "you're going to get pregnant." Now, girls, what's the obvious problem? Dina, is that Tate says she goes out and what happens to her? She's taken. She's abducted by Shem, and a terrible thing happens to her. Like mother, like daughter, she goes out just like Leia goes out. Leia went out, and it was an amazing thing. It was a good thing. It was a great thing. She went out because she wants to build Klal Yisrael. She goes excited to tell Yaakov Avinu, 'I have you for the night. We're going to get to build more shvatim together.' Hakadosh Baruch Hu hears this and he says, In the schuz of her excitement, what's the schair that she's going to get? The schair that she's going to get is she's going to get Yisachar.

7:50 That's what Hakadosh Baruch Hu hears. What does Rashi mean when he says that since Leah was someone who went out, Dinah was someone who went out? These are not the same at all. Dinah went out, and what happened to her? She was raped by Shem. He goes out. She Leah goes out, and they build more shvatim. What does one have to do with the other? Something here is very off, right? There's another Rashi. Also, a fascinating Rashi. Ve'es achadas are yelodov, Ve'yavor es ma'avar yabok. Yaakov Avinu is preparing to confront Esav. He knows that Esav is coming with four hundred men to kill him. So what does he do? He takes his two wives and his two shvachos, meaning Rachel, Leah, Bilah, and Zilpa. And their eleven children. And he crosses over the river Yabok. What's the obvious problem? How many children did Yaakov have?

9:06 Eleven shvatim plus Dina. What's the obvious problem in the pasuk? Where's Dina? Who did Rash? Who does Yaakov Yenu take? His two wives, his two shvachos, and eleven children. Who's missing? Dina is missing. Says Rashi. Vidina heichan haissa. Where is Dinah? Nasna beteiva. Yaakov put her in a box. This is much worse than magazines not showing images of women. He put her in a box. It's not enough that he put her in the box. What did he do? He locked the box. I can't imagine what it was like in there. Shelo yite in ba'asav einav. This way, Asav wouldn't see Dinah. V'la'chein ne'enash Yaakov shemana me'achiv, and therefore Yaakov was punished because he held Dinah back from his brother. Shema tachsiyren le'mutov. Maybe she would have helped him do tshuva. V'naflo bi'ad shchem, and as a result of this, since Yaakov locked her up. That's why ultimately, when she goes out, the punishment for Yaakov is that she falls into the hands of Shem.

10:41 But now we have another problem Because originally, why did Rashi say that Dinah was captured by Shem because she was a vateze like her mother? Why is Rashi saying she was taken by Shem? It's because of Yaakov. So we have to make sense of these Rashi's. You understand the problems? Need a quick chazara? We'll do a quick chazara. Just make sure everyone's got it. Dinah goes out to Shechem to see the daughters of the land. She's abducted by Shechem. Rashi explains why she is abducted? Because she went out. Sounds like what's the clear implication? It's not a good thing for a girl to go out. She shouldn't go out. If she goes out, she could be abducted. Don't go out. Who else went out? Like mother, like daughter. Leah went out, but when we look at Leah's going out, that's something that Leah gets rewarded for. She gets yisachar. She's so passionate to have more shvatim. Then, when we actually look at it, let's make it, let's dramatize it a little bit. What's the reason that Dinah gets abducted? It's not because she went out. It's in fact just the opposite. It's because Yaakov locked her up. If you lock her up, then when she goes out, Yaakov is punished for locking her up.

11:57 So she's taken by Shem. What's going on here? The Lubavitcher Rebbe says something that is so fundamental for women today to hear. It's something that is a very skewed idea, and a lot of people misunderstand. There is a difference between being internal and being locked away. When we say kol kvode bas melech penimia, the cover of the bas melech of the princess is penimia, internal. It doesn't mean that she's meant to stay indoors for the rest of her life. This is not the princess hiding in the castle. What does it mean when we say kol kvode bas melech penimia? What does the word covered mean? Literally, covered means honor. The honor, the dignity of a basmelech, of a Jewish girl, of a Yiddish atochter, is what? It's panimia. It's internal. Kaved means the weight of something.

13:18 Whenever you measure something, you measure it by its weight. If you want to measure the value, the worth, the honor, the dignity of a Jewish girl, you should not measure it by externals. This doesn't just mean by external beauty. There is a particularly feminine avoda that is distinct from a masculine avoda. The difference is that a man is a conqueror. And a woman is a nurturer. You see this very often in the difference between yeshivas and seminaries. In yeshivas, the way the rabbis speak Mussar, Stark festa mussar. Why? Because if you don't give it to a boy right over the head Somehow they don't get it. But if you do that in a seminary, the girls are frightened. Why is he yelling at me?

14:30 This is why there are some rebbeim in yeshivas that they're super popular in yeshivas, and the seminary thing. It's gonna be this great. I'm gonna bring that rebbeim. They come and the girls hate him, and vice versa. There are some rebbeim that they speak to the girls and it's just so amazing and it's warm and it's sweet. And they come to yeshiva and it's like I don't know what this guy's talking about. Why is he talking about our kol shabbat who loves us all the time? You should just tell me to stop going to town. No matter how good of a father I am, I will never be a good mother. A good father In a certain way, he has a conquering attitude when it comes to his family. There's a certain amount of control that a father exerts over the home. You see this very often, Rahmatullahi Taala, when a father passes away. That there's a certain amount of control that it's difficult for the mother to have when the father isn't there. See, by divorced women, they say there's nobody who has my back anymore. There's nobody who like conquers the home, so to speak.

15:37 There is value in having a conquered home. There's value in having an obedient home. But after the father is done making the home obedient, the mother is the one that nurtures the home. The mother is the one who knows how to sit with the child and to make the child feel held and comforted. Mother doesn't necessarily solve the child's problems. A mother knows how to listen and validate and empathize and sympathize. Father doesn't necessarily do that as well. It doesn't mean that a father can't empathize with his children. Of course not. Of course he can. What it means is that no matter how well I empathize with my child, it won't be the same as a mother. It just won't be the same. We lost something very precious in the fight for equality. There was tremendous value in saying that women should get the same wages as men. Obviously, a woman should be treated in every sense; she should be treated fairly. But when we took that concept and said fair means equal.

16:49 We lost something, the dignity of that which is uniquely feminine. And so, what happens was that we told women, "You can do everything a man can do," which is of course true, but she shouldn't do it in a masculine way. She should do it in a feminine way, because that's what you have to offer. So don't lose that which makes you. And we see that's what's going on today. That there's a loss of a unique quality of femininity in the world. And we're suffering from it. Rachli Menu said, "V'Emayin Mesa Anaychi. If I don't have children, I may as well be dead. Why? Because my whole yisoid is to be a nurturer. This is why, as we've spoken about many times, what's the most painful thing to watch is a couple that can't have children. For the man, it's painful. For the woman, it's devastating. Why? Because she feels like so. Who am I nurturing?"

17:53 The kavod of a bas melech is penimia. It means it's internal. There's a capability of nurturing. How should you measure the success of a Jewish daughter? Not by what they've conquered, not by what's outside of them, but what they grew within them. That doesn't mean that a mother can't have a job. Today, most families need a two-income family. Which means that the mother should have a job, because she needs to send our kids to yeshiva and yeshiva tuition is expensive. Jewish life is expensive. There's nothing wrong with a woman having a job. Other rabba, my wife was an actuary when we lived in America. She went to the city every day and she worked in AIG. It wasn't her. It was something she did. But if you asked my wife, What are you? Are you an actuary or are you a mother? The answer is I'm a mother who happens to be an actuary. Not I'm an actuary who happens to be a mother.

18:53 But we lost something on the other side too. When we told women that their dignity, their honor, their worth is internal, some people misunderstood that and they said it means barefoot pregnant in the kitchen. And that is also a terrible tragedy. Because we take girls who have exceptional talents, wonderful talents, and we stifle them. We stifle their creativity because we're afraid of what's going to happen when they go outdoors with those talents. And it's really the opposite. You can't stop someone from being what they are. There was an artist who was Choser B'tzuvah, and he wrote a letter to the Lubavitcher Rebbe. Asking if he could continue to be an artist. The Rebbe was saying to him, "If you're an artist, you're an artist. You can't stop being an artist because you're Chayzer B'tzufa." Maybe you have to draw what's appropriate. Maybe you have to draw what's inspiring. Maybe your art should have a message. But you can't stop being an artist. If you're an artist, you're an artist. You understand?

20:13 When you have a girl who's talented and you dumb down her education, the message you're sending to the girl is horrific. We switched my daughter's school this year. In ninth grade, she was in one place. In tenth grade, she's in another place. Baruch Hashem, this year is so much better than last year. What was the difference? When my daughter was in eighth grade, we made a decision to send her to this school. Why? Because the stronger chavurah was going to the school. And she wanted to go there. She wanted to go with her friends, and these were the girls that were doing good things. And we didn't know so much about the other school if it was the right place for her. She had the worst ninth grade experience. You know why? For a lot of things, but I am going to highlight one of them. This was a school that believed in dumbing down the education as much as possible for these girls. And my daughter, in every sense of the word, like Dina and Leah, is my wife's daughter. And my wife was a national merit finalist because of her math scores on her SATs.

21:25 She was offered a full fellowship to college. Scholarship is when you go for free, or when they give you money off. Full scholarship is when you go for free. Fellowship is when they pay you to go to college. They say opposites attract. Then it's true. And my wife made the decision that she didn't want to go to college because what was the point of going to college? She could just teach herself actuarial mathematics and get a job by passing the actuary tests. So she did that. Is a smart lady. And my oldest daughter is a carbon copy of my wife. In every sense of the word, she's a carbon copy. Her mannerisms, the way she talks, the way she rolls her eyes at me—every aspect of this girl is like a miniaturized version of my wife. Up to and including the fact that Baruch Hashem, she's been blessed with exceptional talent.

22:26 And she went to the school, And she's like "Why are you talking to me like I'm in fifth grade?" She was annoyed by it. She said, "I'm not stupid." We switched her school to a school that's much stronger academically, and she's flying. A couple weeks ago, she had to work on a paper, and she was working so hard on this paper. She came to me and said, "As annoyed as I am by how much work that I have, Abba, I want to tell you, I love it." I said, "You love it." She said, "I love it." She said, "I feel like I'm back. This is me. Give me a good assignment, challenge me. Let me use my mind. I have a good mind. I want to use it." I didn't know what to do because I've never had that feeling in my life. But certainly not at her age. You're probably thinking what a journey. I was like my 12 year old. That's me. You understand? Baruch Hashem.

23:28 They dumb down the education because if they dumb down the education, they're capable of doing less. If they're capable of doing less, they won't go out. If they won't go out, they won't get hurt. It's not true. A wonderful young woman And it's more of a complex situation than I'm letting on. She was a wonderful young woman and an artist. Her brother is an artist too. Her brother, for whatever reason, found his way in the Jewish community. He found his way, became a sofer. He's very talented with his hands. He became an electrician. He became a builder. He's an artist in every sense of the word. His wife runs a gan, and he drew the mural of Bambi and all the forest on the mural of her gan. He's incredibly talented. She's just as talented. And she went way off the derech. Because she didn't feel comfortable in her community. She said, "I am an artist. I'm like this expressive, artsy person. And where is my place here?" And it's so chaval, because of course there was a place for her. Of course there was a place for her. Had we said to her, "You're an artist. That's wonderful. How could you express this in a way that's going to bring nachas ruach to the Rebbeinu Shalom? How could you change the world with this?" I believe Be'Emuna Shleima. Again, it's more complicated than I'm letting on. There was obviously a lot of family dynamics.

25:02 Had we given her an education that said to her, "You can use this to benefit the world," I believe she should be on board today. She left because she said, "This is who I am. You can't tell me not to be who I am." Kol Kveidu Bas Melech Penimia doesn't mean you have to stay indoors. Other Abba Robertson Kalodetsky is not indoors. Rabbi Zin Kaniyevski, YHWH, was not indoors. But there was dignity in a particularly feminine way, In a uniquely feminine way that she went about and did what she did. Leah went out, and she is not criticized for going out. Adar Rabivat Tetzel Leah was a beautiful thing. What did she do? She went out and said, "I'm so excited to build Kalla Yisrael." Like mother, like daughter, Dina did the same exact thing. Why did Dina go to Shem? Because Dina was the woman who had the capability of bringing feminine redemption to the world. To the lowest places in the world, Dina had a uniquely feminine capacity to go there and to see that whole world in a different way. She went to see.

26:19 She went to see. When you see it in a masculine way, you see how can I conquer this? That's what Shimon and Levi did. They went and they conquered it. She didn't go to conquer it. She went to see how can I nurture these people to a belief in the Rebbeinu Shalom. That part was good. Rashi wasn't saying a negative thing. Rashi was saying just as Leah was somebody who went out and she was excited to build Klal Yisrael, so Tzadina was somebody who was excited to build the world. Why wasn't she matzliach? Because she was put in a box by Yaakov. She was put in a teva and she was hidden away. The messages to a girl when you put them in a teva are, "You can't be seen." Ultimately, it's an exceptionally destructive message. It doesn't say that Dinah would for sure have been successful. What does it say? Shem.

27:23 There was a chance that Esav would have seen Dinah and he would have said, "That's the one. I'm going to change my life for her." But Yaakov never gave her that opportunity. As a result, she ultimately falls prey to Shem. When you think about Dinah's essence Dinah was supposed to be who? First of all, where's Dinah's name from? What does Rashi say? Her name comes from the word Din. Why? Rashi tells us Leah was about to have a seventh child, and she davens to Hakadosh Baruch Hu and she says, "If you give me another boy, there's only going to be twelve shvatim. We know there's only going to be twelve shvatim. So if I'm going to have seven, and the shvatim are going to have two each, that only leaves one for Rachel imena." And it's not right that Rachel should only have one when the Shvachos have two.

28:22 So she davened, and the child, instead of being a boy, ended up being Dina. If you think about it, that means that in a certain way, who was Dina? Dina was the replacement for Yosef. Yosef also went out into the world. Yosef went out in a masculine way, and he rises to power wherever he is in a very external way. He becomes in charge of the house of Potiphar, and even in the jail he becomes the top of the jail. Ultimately he becomes the viceroy of Paro. Wherever Yosef is, he does it in a masculine way. Dinah was Yosef; she also had the capability of going out into the Mitzrayim's of the world. But Dinah was from a Loshon of Din. Meaning, she was the expression of Leah's gevura of Leah's holding back to allow Rachel to have a child. So Dina was Yosef

29:33 Who was Leah's bashert? The Gemara tells us that Leah would sit at the crossroads and she would hear travelers say, 'Lavan has two girls, Rivka has two boys.' This is like the most annoying shadchan in the world. I see, there's two of them. Wouldn't that be cute? What a terrible way to set somebody up. But this is yeah. But this, she heard the travelers going Lavan has two, Rivka has two. Be a shadchan. She would then ask, 'So if I'm destined to marry the older one, and by the way, the Medrash says that Lavan and Rivka actually wrote letters to this effect that there was a shiduch supposed to be.' She would ask these travelers. She would say, "Tell me about this esav. Tell me about this older one that I'm supposed to marry." And they'd say, "He's a terrible rasha. He's a ganav." And then she would say, "Tell me about the younger one." And say, "He's Ish Tam Yosef Aholim. He's a tzadik." And so she cried and cried. The Torah describes her as. She had soft eyes. Why? Because she cried so much that all of her eyelashes fell out.

30:45 Dina is described as Basleah. She's the Yelud of Yaakov. She's the offspring of Yaakov. But who is she? She's Leah. Which means that if Esav didn't have his chance to marry Leah, who could he have married? Leah 2.0. Leah 2.0 is Dina. So when, if Leah, Who was a tzedekes, Would have married Esav, It's possible that Leah. It's. I love that. That oh my god, I didn't know. If Leah could have had the opportunity to be matkar leves Esav, but she didn't want to do it because she saw that Esav was a rasha and she didn't want to get involved. That was her choice, but for Yaakov not to give Dinah the option. That's the problem. She had it. This who she was, she could have seen Esav, and she could have seen behind everything. She could have seen exactly what Yitzchak saw. She could have seen because she was from a relation of Din, and Yitzchak was from the midah of Gvura. The same way Yitzchak loved Esav, Dinah could have loved Esav. The same way Leah could have loved Esav, but Yaakov locked her in a box. And because he locked her in a box, she didn't have the opportunity to go out to Esav.

32:13 So when she did go out, she says, "This is who I am. I'm going to go out just like my mother." She didn't have that midah of going out in a safe way. Memela Shchem attacked her. Who is Shchem? Shchem is the son of Chamor. Chamor means chumri. Chamor means physical. Shchem is the child of the physical. But the balechasidus bring down that Shem is also Rashi Tevus, Shame kaved malchusai. There's something deeply spiritual about Shem. When you look at the Torah, think about the way the Torah describes. Open it up again. Look at the words. The way the Torah describes how Shem falls in love with Dinah. Read it again. Va'yaro yisay shchem ben chamor he sees her. Va'tidbok nafshoy His soul cleaved to her.

33:21 Va'yehav asanar he fell in love with her. Va'yadaber alevanar he was talking to her. What was the pshat here? Shchem was a rasha. He did terrible things to her. He was the son of a very physical man, and he behaved totally inappropriately. Why was he so attracted to Dinah? Because Dinah was physically beautiful. Look at the pasuk. Vayar Yisav, he sees her. Vateitz Dinah baslei Asher yeldu Yaakov lirays. Hear that? It's lirays. What did she go out to see? She went to see the daughters. She was a tzanua girl. She wasn't going out to be mekar of the men. She was going out to see the daughters. They shared a certain commonality. He came from a very physical place, just like Asav. Just like Asav is described as an Edomite. He's very, very physical. So to Shem, he's coming from a chamor. He's a very physical thing. But there's a shame kavod malchusa there. There's a spark. He sees Dinah.

34:22 And what he's deeply attracted to her, not just physically. He's connected to her on a soul level. He's attracted to her because he sees in India somebody that relates to that aspect of him, just like Esav. But he behaves inappropriately. And so Mameila Shimon and Levi come, and they conquer. And it's not a hundred percent clear. Even though Yaakov's upset at them, that what do you want our sister should be treated like a zayna. But what was Yaakov saying? Why was Yaakov unclear about it? Look what you did. Why was Yaakov saying that? Because Yaakov understood where all of this was coming from—the fact that I locked Dinah in a box. So maybe this taka had to happen. I locked Dinah in a box. We didn't need to kill all of them. It happened because I locked Dinah in a box. And not that long from now, you girls are going back to America.

35:17 And you're going to be asked how what you gained in seminary. I hope that the answer to that question is as follows: In seminary, I gained a truer understanding of who I am and what I can contribute to the world around me. I'll do it in a uniquely feminine way because that's a gift that I have to give to the world. But it's not the pshat that because you're a woman, you must be an OT. Or a speech therapist, or a physical therapist, or an art therapist, or an animal therapist, or a music therapist, or a play therapist, or a talk therapist. There are right words, or a nurse, or a ganenet, or a teacher. Those are wonderful things to do. And the truth of the matter is that there's something exceptionally powerful about being able to have a job that you can do on your own hours that provides for your family.

36:15 But if you're not a physical therapist, don't be a physical therapist. If you're not a nurse, don't be a nurse. Just because some frum person out there told you that this is what's called a frum job. It's not true. If you're a singer, run a choir. If you're a dancer, teach girls how to dance or put on shows. There's an organization. Get what they call it even. I've been out of the Five Towns for a long time. It's run by a very holy woman whose name is Batya Travis. It's basically a talent show. Anybody know what I'm talking? It's a talent show, Harmony, right? So it's run by Batya Travis. Now I know Batya Travis since I was a little boy. I know all of her sons. When we lived in America, my wife would come home from Harmony. It's every other year, right? So she'd always tell me, what song Mrs. Travis would sing at the end of Harmony? She would always get up there, her and her guitar, and she would sing a song. She always told me what song she was singing.

37:23 Because if that's who you are, then that's what you got to do. That's who she is. She's a big person. She's like, okay, I'm going to start this thing, and it's going to bring people together, and it's going to showcase girls' talents, and we're going to raise money for tzedakah. Chaval for the world to not have that. What's the next harmony? What's the next job? You don't have to stay indoors to be an internal person. Want you to know that my wife, when she was in AIG, one of her coworkers cursed in a meeting that she was at. And her gayish boss, whose name was Pat Riley, not related to the Pat Riley of the Miami Heat, former coach of the Knicks and the Lakers. Pat Riley was a guy who wore a bow tie, not exactly the slick back Pat Riley. He came over to my wife and he apologized to her that she had to hear that. And he said to her, "I'm gonna have this person apologize. You're a woman of great dignity. He shouldn't have spoken that way around you." Yes, she was outdoors, but the dignity that she held herself with demanded that people spoke a certain way around her. That, to me, is called kveid ha basmalach penimia. We should not tell girls that they should stay indoors because they're women. It's a terrible message to send to our children. What are the talents that you have to contribute to the world?