Parshas Vayishlach:And the Sister of Lotan is Timna

2:59 Menasha was a terrible king. What did Menasha do? We're going to see Menasha. First of all, he himself was very involved in avodah zarah. He brought idolatry to the entire country. He even brought idolatry into the Beit Hamikdash itself. He was an adulterer. He murdered. Who did he murder, girls? Anybody know who he murdered? He murdered Yishaya Hanavi. He had incest. He was a terrible person. In fact, we know that it was in times of Menashe that the Beis Hamikdash was declared to be destroyed. What's the obvious question on this Gemara, girls? If a person is a murderer, if a person is an idolater, if a person is an adulterer, if a person is involved, he's a chotei umachti. He brings others down. If a person is involved in incest. Does it really matter that he's making fun of pesukim in the Torah? Is that high on our agenda of things that we should be considering? Not really. So why is the Gemara telling us that Menashe was a baskal came out against him, that he's going to be destroyed for this? This is not so bad. For murder, we don't see it. For adultery, we don't see it. For incest, we don't see it. But the fact that Menashe made fun of the pesukim of Moshe Rabenu—that is untenable.

4:32 In order to understand this, we need to understand the story of who Timna was. Why does the Torah say Achas Lotan Timna? Why does the Torah tell us that Timna was the sister of Lotan? So there's a story about Timna. The story is as follows. Lotan was not a king, but he was a chief, which means that Timna was part of a noble family. How did Timna come to be married to Eliphaz? Anybody know the story? It goes as follows. Timna was so attracted to the family of Avram, Yitzchak and Yaakov. She wanted to be a part of them so much that she left her noble family and came to Avram, Yitzchak and Yaakov and asked to convert. And we know that Avram Avinu made many converts. Timna was rejected. She was a rejected convert. She wanted to convert to Yiddishkeit. And Avram Avinu, Yitzchak Avinu And Yaakov Avinu—they said it's a bad idea for you to convert to Yiddishkeit.

5:54 Why? Because they thought that since Timna was coming from such a royal family, it would be impossible for her to have the humility necessary to become a part of Klal Yisrael. To leave from being a guy to being a Jew is hard enough, but to leave from being a royal Gentile, whose brother was a chief, and actually become part of Klal Yisrael, she wouldn't be able to actually integrate, and so they rejected her. However, Timna was undeterred, And she said, "Better for me to be a concubine to this family than to go back to my family. " So she became a concubine to who? To Eliphaz. She became a concubine to Eliphaz. I'm sorry, a concubine to Esav, rather. And she had who was her child? You're right. You were correct. I was wrong. It's okay. She became a concubine to Esav, And who was her child?

6:55 Her child was Eliphaz. Who was Eliphaz? Girls. Eliphaz is the one that ultimately is sent, as we're going to see in a moment, to kill Yaakov. Who's Eliphaz's child? Amalek. So who is Timna? Timna is the grandmother of Amalek. The rejected convert goes, and she says, 'Better to be a concubine to Esav than not to be part of this family.' She ends up becoming the mother to Eliphaz, and ultimately a Malik. Now Rashi points out that this teaches us the great esteem in which the family of Avram Avinu was held. Because if you are Lotan's sister, and you'd rather be a shifcha to Avram Avinu's family, must be that Klal Yisrael was held in very high esteem. Why does the Torah tell us this? Why is this so important? I want to tell you a story. It's a Gemara in Sukkah. When you hear this story, you're gonna have one impression first. I'm asking you to hold off. Don't jump to conclusions as to what this Gemara means.

8:19 The Gemara says the following story. There was a woman. Her name was Miriam Bas Bilga. It's the last Gemara in Sukkot. In Sukkot Miriam Bas Bilga was from a very noble Jewish family. In fact, her family had a mishmar in the Beis Hamikdash. It's a very famous family. Unfortunately, Miriam Bas Bilga she lived in the times of the Yevanim and she went off the derech. Not only did she go off the derech, but she married a Greek soldier. When the Beis Hamikdash was being destroyed, Miriam Bas Bilga came with her husband to the Beis Hamikdash. Her husband was going to bring a pig into the Beis Hamikdash to roast the pig on the mizbeach. Miriam Bas Bilga does a very strange thing. She smacks the mizbeach and she says, "I'm going to translate it into English for you. Wolf." She calls the mizbeach a wolf. How long have you consumed the karbanos of your people? And now, when they need you most, you're not here for them.

9:48 In other words, she's saying, "Money grubbers. You took all the money from Klal Yisroel, but now when Klal Yisroel needs you, where are you?" The Gemara says that as a result of this, Miriam Bas Bilga's family lost their position in the Beis Hamikdash. They lost their Mishmar. And the Gemara says why? Because just because you go off the derech, even marrying a guy, it doesn't necessarily indicate anything about your family. But the way that you speak, it must be that she heard her family members speaking this way, and as a result of that, her family lost their mishmar. It reminds me of a story of a family that came to the Rav of their shul and said, 'Please, you must help my daughter. She's about to marry a guy.' So the rabbi said, "I would love to speak to your daughter." The daughter comes. She sits down with the rabbi, and the rabbi starts making every single possible argument. You shouldn't marry a guy for this reason. You shouldn't marry a guy for that reason. To no avail, she leaves the office and she says, "I don't care. I'm marrying the guy." The father walks into the rabbi's office and he's fuming. I can't believe you couldn't save my daughter. So the rabbi calmly looks at his congregant and he says

11:11 This girl is twenty-five years old. For the last twenty-five years, she's been sitting at your Shabbos table. Every single week after my drasha at the Shabbos table on Shabbos afternoon, what did you do? You made fun of my drasha. You bashed the rabbi. So after twenty-five years of bashing the rabbi, my impact is going to be somewhat limited. That's what the gemara is saying. A girl learns how to talk from her home. Miriam Bas Bilga, her family lost her mishmar because she smacked the mizbeach and she said, 'Wolf, you consumed, you took all their money, but when it came time when Klal Yisrael needed you, you weren't there for them.' The Bavit Sherevi made a siyum on this mesecta And he gave a very different explanation of the Gemara because the simple explanation of the Gemara is what Miriam Bas Bilga did a terrible thing. The Bavli Rebbe said something unbelievable.

12:09 He said, "I want you to think about this girl. Let's think about who Miriam Basbelga was. She went off the derech. She had all of these Hellenized ideas. She became one of the enlightened people." She married a guy. And in Klal Yisrael's lowest moments, what did she want? If you think deeply about what she said She said, "How come Hakadosh Baruch Hu isn't saving us?" Think about that. In the lowest moments of Klal Yisrael's history, what is Miriam Basbila saying? Hakadosh Baruch Hu, you let us down. The same Hakadosh Baruch Hu that she said she doesn't believe in. The same Hakadosh Baruch Hu that she went off the derech. She didn't believe in this. The same Hakadosh Baruch Hu that she said, "I don't care, I'm marrying a guy." When her husband brings a pig to the base of mikdash. What's her response? Hakadosh Baruch Hu. How could you let us down, Girls? You have to listen to the inner words of a person. When my wife was doing her degree, her master's degree in sociology, they were talking about how can you be supportive of your clients.

13:22 A client walks in. What's the ikaravoda of the therapist? You want to be supportive of the client that's in front of you, right? Imagine a client comes in and says, "I want to kill myself." So should you be supportive of the client? Sure, I'll take you upstairs. We'll go up to the roof, Mistama. From there, it's not going to be a problem. It'll be a clean. You want some pills? I could hook you up with some pills. You want some needles? You want some razors? What do you need? Be supportive therapist? Obviously not. Why? Don't you want to be a supportive therapist? The answer is as follows: If somebody comes to you and says What are the words that are coming out of their mouth? 'I want to kill myself.' What's the inner meaning of the words? Please help. How do you know? Because if they really wanted to kill themselves, they would have done it already. There's a famous Seinfeld episode that Newman keeps talking about killing himself. So he keeps telling Kramer, 'I'm going to go kill myself.' He goes, 'So do it already. What are you bothering me for?'

14:21 You have to know how to listen to the inner words. Did Miriam Bas Bilga hear from her family terrible things about Yiddishkeit? Yes. And that's why they lost their mishmar. But think about the words she says. Says the Lebavitcher Rebbe. She's saying, "How come you abandoned us in our time of need?" In other words, who was Miriam Basbila? She was someone who desperately wanted to connect. How do you know? Because in the lowest moments, she revealed her truest self. How come she didn't smile? How come she didn't dance a rikud around the mizbeach? Saying, "Yes, look at this. This fake temple. We're roasting a pig in it because it's mamish. It's garbage." How come she didn't do that? Because she did believe in it. Everything she did in her life indicated that she didn't believe in it. Sometimes it's the people that run the farthest away that are letting you know this is the most important thing in the world to me.

15:12 It's like when people are very angry about Yiddishkeit. What are you so angry about? Why are you talking about this so much? You'll see this sometimes with girls who, twenty years later, are still talking about their seventh-grade mora that made them go home to get changed because they weren't sanuah enough. I'm not saying that the mora should have made them go home. I'm not taking a position here on sneias. But how come twenty years later you're still talking about it? You were twelve years old. Maybe the teacher made a bad call. How come it becomes conflated? This is what it sounds like: the entire Beis Yakov system. You had one seventh grade teacher. I'm again, I'm not saying that it's not true. I'm just saying. They're so emotional about it. What's the pshat? It's revealing their truest identity. You know what their truest identity was? I so badly wanted to connect. How come you kept pushing me away over a button? Over a silliness.

16:12 Over a narschka. I felt so pushed away. How could it be? I want you to know who Timna really was. To know who Timna really was, you need to listen to the inner story of Timna. Medrash tells us that Esav made Eliphaz, Timna's son, take a shvua. Take a shvua that you will kill Yaakov. Medrash tells us an unbelievable thing. What was in it for Eliphaz? What does Esav say? If you kill Yaakov, who's going to be the firstborn? Me. And then after I die, who's going to be my yerush? You. So you go kill Yaakov Avinu. Eliphaz told his mother Timna what Esav had told him to do and the shvua that he had taken. Listen to what Timna says to him. If your father could have killed Esav, he would have.

17:21 What's the pshat that he's sending you? He knows that you can't kill Yaakov Avinu. If your father could have killed him, he would have. He's sending you because he knows it's not possible. Trust me. Don't do this. So when Eliphaz actually shows up to Yaakov, what happens? We know what Rashi tells us. He couldn't kill him. Why? Because Lamaisa he was born on the lap of Yitzchak Avinu. He couldn't bring himself to kill Yitzchak's son. But who was the one? Says the Medrash. That told Eliphaz, "You are not going to be able to do this." It was his mother Timna. Esav now sees that Eliphaz did not fill his shvua; he didn't fulfill his shvua. So he goes to his grandson Amalek. He says to Amalek, "Listen" Eliphaz couldn't do it. It's going to be your job to torment Klal Yisroel. Amalek takes his shvua. That it will continue the mission of Esav.

18:25 But Timna finds out about it and she warns Amalek. She says, "Don't do it. Don't go after the children of Yaakov. Why? Listen now, because the children of Yaakov one day are going to go to Gullus, and if you kill Yaakov, it's going to be your children that go to Gullus." So this is what you need to do: wait until after the Gullus. Wait until after the gullus is over in order to kill Yaakov's children. Girls, when does Amalek attack Laish? After Yitzys mitzrayim. Why wait? Why didn't Amalek, like his father Eliphaz, go after Yaakov right away? Exactly. So now, once mitzrayim is over, The Torah tells us, "Sasha karcha ba derech." Now, punta Amalek comes. Why? Because it was Timna's advice. Timna's advice. In fact, the Medrash tells us that a Malach does have a reason for hating Klal Yisrael. You know what the reason is? It was a Tzavah from Timna herself. Timna herself gave a Tzavah to her family. She said the whole story: I was rejected by Avram, Yitzchak, and Yaakov. Therefore, you ultimately will persecute Klal Yisrael.

19:40 And that's why. What was that? That's a big grudge. It's a big grudge. You're a hundred percent right. It's a big grudge. So Amalek waits all of those years. Why? Because it's taking revenge for his mother. So I have a question for you: Which one was Timna? Think about both stories. Timna sounds very confused. When it comes to Eliphaz, she tells Elisa, Eliphaz, you're not going to be able to kill Yaakov. Don't do it. It's not good for you. Don't listen to your father. Don't kill Yaakov. When it comes to her grandson Amalek, what does she say? You have a tava. Generations later, what do I want you to do? I want you to kill Yaakov Shol. Just wait until after the gullus. Which one is she? Is she the one that so desperately wants to convert and be part of the family, or is she the one that gives Amalek the tip? What's the single best way to kill Klal Yisrael?

20:39 You know who she is. She's like Miriam Bas Belga. She is the rejected child. She is the one that wanted so desperately to connect, but she felt pushed away. I want to tell you a story. I'm trying to think about how I can phrase this story Just in case you ever meet this person, you won't put two and two together. I'll change some of the details, but the Etzem story is the same. As a young man, he was 15 years old. Didn't do that well in school. He wasn't exactly the sharpest tack in the shed. Some kids are built for school. Sixteen hundred SATs, they just know exactly what they're doing. And then there's the rest of us.

21:59 So he was the rest of us, but he was the bottom of the rest of us. It's no indication. School is no indication of success for life. But lemaisa, you have to suffer through twelve years until finally somebody teaches you that school has nothing to do with success in life. So for 12 years he suffered immeasurably. Imagine every single time you get a paper back and that paper's got a 50 and you know it's your best. You know the kids that after they get their paper back the first thing they do is they turn it over so that nobody sees or they quickly shove it in their knapsack. It's not because they don't care. It's because they're so devastated. They're so embarrassed. Adrab, a kid like that gets a 70 and for them it's like getting a sixteen hundred on the SATs. This was that guy.

22:46 I was in school with him. He was a good friend of mine. You felt for him. One time in class, he got back a test. I don't know what he got, but it definitely wasn't above a thirty. And you just saw his face. You just saw him. He starts crying. It was a good guy. It was tenth grade. He must have worked so hard. I know he did. And I'm not sure why this happened. The Nara Yama's, I think it was a really bad call on the part of the teacher. And the teacher asked him, "Why are you crying?" I think the teacher probably should have just whispered in his ear and said, "Why don't you go take a break?" But I don't know why he didn't do that. And this kid was now embarrassed further. It's already bad enough he's crying in class. And the kid basically attacks the teacher. He says, I don't think you're a very good teacher.

23:53 Said why? He said I did everything you asked me to do. Paid attention in class, wrote all the notes, I did all the homeworks, I studied. I still can't pass your tests. So obviously you're not setting us up for success. Now the teacher got on the defensive and the teacher started arguing back, which was obviously stupid because the teacher should have seen through. Every fifteen-year-old in the class saw through what was going on, but the quote-unquote adult teacher in the class couldn't see. And he was marmish crying, and the teacher started to get defensive. And we were like, "Leave him alone!" You should know. It was around that time in his life when he started doing drugs. I remember, it was around that time in his life. And then he got a reputation. He was a druggie. Now today These terminologies don't mean anything anymore because everything is becoming legal anyway. But back then, if you were smoking up, you called a pothead. This guy was a pothead. He had a reputation as being a pothead. He was the type of kid that parents would say, "Don't hang out with this kid. He's doing bad things." The kachav, and he was.

25:10 I once asked him, "Why do you do this?" It was a really good friend of mine. So you know what his answer was? You don't get judged by druggies. It's an interesting thing. He said, "In school, you have this like elite crowd. You know these girls? This elite crowd. They're the good girls. They're always in the top classes. They always do the right thing, and often, not always, but often, they're exceptionally judgmental." They look down upon other kids and they don't know what's really going on. He said in school that chavra said they look at me. They just say you're a pothead. They don't know what's really going on in my life. This is a guy I grew up with. I knew him since I was, without exaggeration, one and a half years old. I lived on the same block as him. When we moved, he was on the same block. There were three of us.

26:10 He'd sit on his grandmother's porch. He lived in his grandmother's house. He'd sit on his grandmother's porch, giving away too many details. I hope he doesn't hear this. You should know when everybody would talk trash about him. He's doing this. He's doing that. I heard he went to this concert. I heard he did that. None of you know him. I remember being like, None of you know him. None of you know the pain of who he is. I don't think he was smoking up because he was a drugie. I think he was smoking up because life was just too hard on him. Eventually. School's over. The question is, how many wounds do you take with you? And he took his wounds with him. When you're rejected by the Jewish community, you're rejected by the Jewish community, except for one rabbi. There's always that one rabbi in these stories. We had a rabbi who was with us for a couple of years. No matter what, this rabbi believed in him. He kept the Kesher for years. He was his tenth grade rabbi.

27:09 He wasn't sure on Shabbos. He didn't keep kosher. This Rebbe kept the Kesher with him. Eventually, he got married. This Rebbe was his Masada Kedushin. I don't want to get into all the details But it didn't turn out so well for him. His wife passed away. An interesting thing started happening. He started sending me Divre Torah from Esh dot com. Started keeping Shabbos again. Started keeping kosher again. What was the shot? I'll tell you. Everybody saw the outside. Everybody looked at him and told him what he was, but nobody knew who he really was. Nobody knew that he was just a kid who was looking for acceptance. I want you to know, of all of the friends that I've had in my life, he's the one that never made fun of me. Always, even with your good friends, even with your best friends, sometimes, right? It's always gonna be like a little bit of a roast, and especially with guys. You know how guys communicate? It's just who can rip on each other the hardest.

28:19 He never made fun of me, not once. He never said a negative thing. I used to make fun of him. He would never respond. He would just laugh. He was the nicest one of us. He had the best mitzvot. Did he daven? No. Did he put on tefillin? No. Did he keep Shabbos? No. Did he keep kosher? No. Did he do drugs? Yes. He was my nicest friend. It took a very long time for him to come back, and the only reason he came back is because there was a rebbe that refused to see what he said on the outside as the truth of who he was. When he wasn't keeping Shabbos, the rebbe thought to himself it's only because he wants to be connected so bad, but it's just so hard for him. When he wasn't keeping kosher, he wants to be connected so bad, it's just so hard for him. Eventually, kids like that come back.

29:06 You know who Timna was? She was both people. When Eliphaz was told to go kill Yaakov, she said, "You can't do that. This is such a noble family. I left Lotan, I left the noble family to be with these people." But she was the rejected. She was the rejected child. La Ma'isa Avram Yitzchak and Yaakov made a mistake. She was ready to give it all up. But unfortunately that wasn't the case. And so she gave a tzava to her grandchild Amalek. And she said, 'You will torment these people for rejecting me.' So when Amalek comes and attacks us, Amalek comes and attacks us because there are people in the world who are so hurt they don't know what to do with it. This is the story of Timna. She's the hurt girl. On the outside, looks like Amalek. But on the inside, it's just a hurt child. Girls, what's the halacha? Is a malek allowed to convert?

30:11 Do we necessarily have to kill a malek? Nope. Not if they make a makabla and missal shavim misos bnei Noach. It's very simple. A malek on the outside needs to be destroyed. But if a malek is willing to be the truest version of themselves, and they're willing to say, "We're just the hurt kid, and we don't want to be this anymore. We want to be a convert, or we want to be shavim misos people," then there's no need to kill them. It's just hurt. Let's look at the story of Reuven for a second, girls. Up until now, we've been speaking about Menashe making fun of Achos Lot on Timna. Let's look at the story of Reuven. If you think about that story, Reuven comes home and he brings Dudaim. He gives the Dudaim to Leah. What do Rachel and Leah do? They trade Dudaim for Yaakov.

31:00 There was a certain feeling between Leah and Rachel. What was the feeling? You have my husband. What did Leah feel? Rachel, you're not supposed to be here. I married Yaakov. What did Rachel feel? I gave you Yaakov. So in a certain way, what was the feeling between Rachel and Leah? There was a certain feeling of hurt. There was a certain feeling of you're in my place. It's not right. I'm the one being pushed out. I'm the one being rejected. But it's an interesting thing. Chazal tell us that Reuven didn't steal those dudaim. The godless of Reuven is that he didn't steal those dudaim. We're not going to get into the details of what it means that he didn't steal those dudaim. But whatever it is, he didn't steal them. Chazal say, why? What's so important that Reuven didn't steal the dudaim? It's not like it's not a big deal. Reuven didn't steal. Why is that like a big deal? Tyrants is this.

32:03 You know what stealing means? Stealing means I'm going to take what I want. Ruvain wasn't a person who took from other people. Leah and Rachel knew, and this was the godless of Leah and Rachel. As much feelings of pain as there was between the two of them They didn't attack each other. Rachel, you want to die? I want to build shvatim. We'll make a trade from those dudaim. Who did Rachel have? She had Yosef. And from those dudaim, Leah had Yisachar. You can choose to feel rejected, or you can choose to feel it's a situation in which I could feel rejected, but I'm going to push through. Why is it Menashe that tells us this story? After all, wasn't Menashe an adulterer, an idolater? A murderer engaged in incest. Why is it Menashe of all people that tells us this? In order to understand this, you need to understand who Menashe was. The Gemara tells us. First of all, before we get to the Gemara. Do you girls know who wrote the Gemara? Ravina and Ravashi.

33:20 This story that I'm about to tell you involves Ravashi. Ravashi told his shir at the end of shir. Tomorrow we're going to be discussing our friend Menashe. That was the way he put it. Our friend Menashe. The way he said our friend, obviously what was it? An indication of a lack of respect for Menashe, and of course that was accorded. Of course he had a lack of respect because if you look at Menashe, who was he? Fifty-five years, he was the biggest Rashi. He was the worst Melech. That night, Ravashi has a dream. And who comes to him in the dream? Menasha comes to him in a dream. And what does Menasha say to him? Ravashi, I'm your friend, huh? Tell me, which side of the challah do you cut? What's the halacha? Which side of the challah do you cut? Ravashi said, I don't know. He said, You don't know? You don't know which side of the challah do you cut? And you call yourself my friend? You're not my colleague. You're not on the same level that I am. You should know that Menasha was a tremendous Talmud Chacham.

34:25 This is tremendous, Talmachachem. We're not on the same level. He told Ravashi the halacha of how we cut the challah. He told Ravashi the halacha of how we cut the challah. By the way, today the halacha of how we cut the challah comes from that dream that Ravashi had about Menashe. And then he tells Menashe he tells Ravashi something unbelievable. He said, "You think you know me? You think you can judge me? You can't judge me. You don't know who I am." Because if you lived in my times, where the tayva for avaydazara was so strong. You would have been holding up your robe, running after the idols, because you wouldn't want to trip. The next day, when Ravashi comes into She'er, Ravashi says, "We're going to learn from our teacher, Menasha." So he went from being somebody that Ravashi made fun of to somebody who he calls a teacher. What's the pshat? One thing, you don't want to make fun of him. But to say that Menasha is your teacher, what changed for Ravashi? I want to teach you what changed for Ravashi.

35:29 When Ravashi said our friend Menasha, he was talking about the Menasha that was an adulterer, that was an idolater. But then he learned something about Menasha. What did he learn about Menasha? He didn't want to be that way. He was an adulterer. He was an idolater. He was a murderer. But on the inside, he was a person who so deeply wanted to connect. Baruch Hu. What's the sequel to the story about Menashe? The sequel to the story about Menashe is that he did tshuva. Isn't that correct? He was captured by the Assyrians and they decided to kill him. They wanted to kill him in the worst way possible. They put him in a copper pot and they put in water and they turned on the fire so that he would be cooked alive. If you increase the temperature gradually, the frog doesn't realize it's being cooked. A terrible way to kill a person. Menashe cried out to every avodah zara in the world. Nobody was more proficient. Nobody knew more about avodah zara than Menashe. He was unbelievable when it came to avodah zara.

36:48 Finally, it came to Hashem, the very last person. He cried out to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, and a miracle happened, and he was saved. How does the Gemara tell us that Menashe's tshuva was accepted? Menashe, when he wanted to do tshuva, All the Malachim in Shamayim said, "You can't accept Menashe's tshuva. You can't accept Menashe's tshuva. " So Hakadosh Baruch Hu dug out a hole under his kiseh hakavod, He dug a tunnel. Under the kisei akavod, And he accepted Menashe's tshuva from underneath, So that it wouldn't be blocked by any of the malachim. What's the deeper meaning here? It means as follows: from a frontal perspective, If you just look at the outside story, what is it? It's Menashe is only doing tshuva. Why? Because he's being cooked alive. Because all the other avodah zara's in the world said no to him. Fine, I'll turn to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. So in Shamayim there was a kitzurug against Menashe. We're not going to accept your tshuva. But what was the real pshat? The real pshat is like Miriam Bas Belga. The real pshat is like Achaz Light on Timna. Hakadosh Baruch Hu didn't see the outside. What did he see? He saw the inside. He said this tshuva has to come underneath.

38:02 It comes in a roundabout way. For this tshuva, we have to learn how to accept such a tshuva. You have this very often in yeshivas. I'm sure you have it in seminaries here too. A boy or a girl violates a rule in the yeshiva or in the seminary. Chas v'shalom, but it happens. Let's say she starts to have a bad reputation in the seminary. They start to focus on her and they start to build a certain image of who she is or who he is in their minds. She doesn't come to all of her shiurim. She leaves halfway. Riva has to undo the attendance that she did right. I heard she did this. I heard she did that. They called her in. You got to make a decision if you want to be here. These are the rules. You got to follow the rules. So she starts doing things. Positive things. She wakes up in the morning. She goes to her shirim. She makes a mistake. She gets called in. What's the feeling she has? Don't you know I'm trying so hard? Don't you know that I haven't missed a shiur in a week? I came back fifteen minutes late for curfew. But don't you know I haven't missed a shiur in a week? Sometimes I'm sure not here. But sometimes. What's the attitude that the seminary or the yeshiva could have?

39:29 She doesn't get it. It's not true. Those small moves. We have to know how to accept the person's tshuva. It's authentic. It's legitimate. You have to know how to listen to these things. Sometimes a person needs to get in trouble. It's true. Sometimes a person needs to be told, "I'm sorry." Loizu had derech. We don't do that here. But we also have to know how to listen to the pain of other people. That they're making moves, and they have to be. We have to be willing to give them our trust. We have to be willing to say to them, "Loizu had derech." But at the same time I see that you're trying. The mistake of the avos. We couldn't say this if Chazal didn't say it. But the mistake of the avos is that they didn't hear Timno. They said, 'Nah, she's from a royal family. She'll never be able to humble herself.' She was able to humble herself. They just didn't know it. Menashe, we call him our teacher. You know why Menashe was our teacher? What did he teach Ravashi? You don't understand what it was like to be alive in my day. You don't understand the tayva. You don't understand. You yourself would have been running after Avaydazara. What did he teach Ravashi?

40:37 He taught Ravashi how to see deeper. Don't call me your friend. I knew much more halacha than you. I did some terrible things. It's not who I was. That's the lesson that we have to learn. And girls, we're all going to become bezer Hashem mothers. Your children are going to make mistakes. They're not. I know we all think that. I'm going to do it better. But lamaisa, our parents thought that too. It reminds me in a certain way. If you'll forgive me for quoting from a movie, do you remember Back to the Future? At some scene in Back to the Future, I remember that Michael J. Fox tells his parents they don't know that he's their son. He says, "If you ever have a son and he accidentally burns down the house like that, go easy on him." You remember that scene? Go easy on him.

41:37 If you could know now that you're going to have a child and that child is going to make mistakes, what would you want? Remember it now when you're 18 years old, when you're 19 years old. How would you want to respond? You want to build trellises, you want to build boundaries, but let's look at the child from a holistic perspective. Is the child getting bullied in school? Is the child failing their tests? Is the child in a peer group that's a positive peer group? Is, for whatever reason, the child has certain social oddities. If the child isn't putting on tefillin, is it because they don't believe in tefillin, or is it because they need occupational therapy? Are we just shoving our Judaism on our child, or are we actually listening to what our children are telling us? If we listen to the deeper message of our children, I promise you, you're going to hear what you want. I desperately want this. I just don't know how to connect. Ultimately, the greatest gift we can give our children is that we'll never give up on them. The parents that fight for their kids, you should know those kids. They're lucky ones. If I have to call a parent and I have to say your son made a mistake. You know what I want to hear from the parents? I acknowledge that this is who my son is. Trust me, there's so much more inside of him. Don't give up on him. You know why? Because that parent has given a gift to their child. I'll never give up on you. We have to learn to see deeper.