Parshas Vayishlach: The Struggle for Authenticity

2:56 Again, more obvious questions: What does the fact that the dawn has broken have to do with the fact that now the Malach Avesav says you have to release me because the dawn has broken? And if Yaakov Avinu is attacked by the Malach Avesav, imagine the scene: If somebody attacks you and you fight with them, and now they want to go, what should you do? Should you let them go? What's the pshat that Yaakov Avinu says? I'm not going to let you go until you give me a bracha. Yaakov Avinu should say, 'Great, He wants to leave.' I didn't want to fight with him to begin with. Why does Yaakov Avinu demand the bracha from him? And it's interesting. The pasuk tells us, 'Vayomer, Elov Mashimech.' He asks him, 'What's your name?' Vayomer Yaakov. He says, 'My name is Yaakov.' Girls, what's the obvious question? There's a lot. Every pasuk here is a question. What's the obvious question? If the Malach of Esav comes to fight Yaakov, why does the Malach of Esav come to fight Yaakov? Ostensibly, because it's Yaakov, it wasn't random. So why now, At Alosa Shachar, when the Malach is being told by Yaakovinu, 'You must bless me,' does he go

4:03 "What's your name?" As if he doesn't know his name. And Yaakovinu says, "My name is Yaakov." Of course, he knew his Yaakov. What's going on over here? Your name will no longer be Yaakov, King Yisrael. Your name is no longer going to be Yaakov. Your name is going to be Yisrael. Why? Because you fought Sarisa. You fought with men and with the divine vatuchal, and you were victorious. First of all, a number of questions. Miss Yussaf said that you're getting all these questions, almost all of them. A number of questions. What's the significance that the Malach now decides to change the name of Yaakov Avinu to Yisrael? That's number one. And number two, what a strange name! What should Yaakov Avinu's name have been? I'm going to read it to you again. Kisarisa, you fought imelokim with the divine, V'im anashim and with men vatuchal, and you were victorious. Our name is Yisrael because it comes from Sarisa. We struggled. Yaakov Avinu struggled with men and with the divine and was victorious. What should Yaakov Avinu's name really be?

5:14 Vatuchal. The point is not the struggle. The point is that he was victorious. So Yaakov Avinu's name is changed to Yisrael. It shouldn't be changed to Yisrael. What should it be changed to? Vatuchal. Not only that, girls, but we know that Yaakov Avinu's name continues to be Yaakov Avinu. What's the halacha? Are you allowed to call Abraham Avram after his name was changed? You're not allowed to call. So how come here the Torah is telling us that there was this incredible fight between the Malach of Esav between Yaakov and yet. His name continues to be Yaakov even after the Malach changes his name. Whatever its significance is, it doesn't seem so significant if the name goes right back. You hear the question? It's a good question. Vayishal Yaakov, Vayomer Hagidna Nashemecha. Yaakov then asks him, "Tell me your name." Vayomer Lamasat Tisha Lishmi. Why are you asking me my name? Vayevarech Eis Sham. And then he gives him a bracha. Again, more questions, Mrs. Yussafer. How many questions do we have so far? I only have five, but it's for sure more. It's for sure more questions than five.

6:21 It's such a strange dialogue. We just got into a fight. We spent the entire night fighting, and now what's the pshat? We're going to sit there and have a conversation. What's your name? My name is Yaakov. I'm changing your name. Your name is no longer Yaakov of Israel. What's your name? I'm not telling you. This sounds childish. What in the world is going on? Why won't the Malach of Esav tell him his name, Girls? Why do we know it's the Malach of Esav only because Rashi tells us? Does the Torah ever tell us that it's the Malach of Esav? He says, 'Lama zetishalishmi? Why are you asking me my name?' And only then does he give him a bracha. So if you follow the pesukim, what's going on? Yaakov Avinu says, 'I'm not letting you go till you give me a bracha. What's your name? Your name is Yaakov. I'm changing your name. It's Israel. You fought with the divine and with men, and you were victorious.' What's your name? I'm not telling you. Now I'll give you a bracha. Did Yaakov know I was there? Good question. We're going to find out. Last one of a yikra, Yaakov named this place Peniel. Why? Ki ra'isa Elokim panim el panim. I saw God face to face. Vatinatzol nashi. And He saved me.

7:25 Yaakov, this fight is of such significance that Yaakov Avinu names this place. I saw God face to face. What's the obvious problem, girls? Yaakov Avinu saw God face to face. Who did Yaakov Avinu see? He saw the Malach of Esav. Why would he name this place? I saw God face to face. I want to tell you a Maesa Shahaya true story. It's a story that was told to me by a young man, Baruch Hashem, as a budding Ben Torah, and he told me the following story. He grew up in a home with very strong values, a good home with a good mother and a good father, good siblings, people that were dedicated to growth in Yerushalayim, to becoming proper Oved Hashem. But he was a very strong-willed kid. And he remembers that very early on in his life. This is the story he told me. Already from a very young age, his parents would tell him to do something, and if he didn't want to do it, he wouldn't do it. If his parents didn't allow something, it didn't matter. He was going to do it anyway. He was a very strong-willed kid. He wasn't a bad kid, but he was an exceptionally strong-willed kid.

8:47 Time went on. Instead of just being little kid stuff, where he was stubborn, he started falling into a bad crowd. Early in seventh and eighth grade, he started falling into a bad crowd. Not the kind of kids his parents wanted him to be with. If you understand what I'm saying. But he wasn't doing anything so terrible. But he was with a group of kids that started bringing out certain aspects of him. He went to a good yeshiva. As very often happens at that very tender young age, because he was involved with these types of kids, he started going off. He stopped keeping Shabbos. He stopped keeping kosher. He started getting involved with inyanim. That we're certainly not the Ben Torah that he was becoming. He liked learning, but he wasn't that kid anymore. Nikita is describing to me the struggles that he had. And he said he watched himself. This is he's reflecting back on those years, and he watched himself get into this place where he was doing these things, and he was feeling so rotten, so awful about the things that he was doing.

10:03 So I asked him, "How did you come out? How did you manage to get out of the things that you were doing?" And he told me the following: He did a particular avirah. He was already baruch Hashem on his way up. He had good rabeim. A lot of good things were going on for him in his life. And it came a certain day. He didn't. Everyone has their line of what they'll do and what they won't do, and then they cross that line. So he crossed that line. He never crossed that line before. He crossed that line. That night he was in his home. This is what he told me. And he felt so disgusted with himself, so shocked by the thing that he did, that he pulled out a sefer Tehillim. And he started saying Tehillim. He said Tehillim to Hillem the entire night long. He said after that night, I couldn't go back. Slowly but surely, over the next six months of his life, he said I let go of all of the things that I had been doing for the three and a half years prior to that.

11:17 For three and a half years, he had been engaged in a certain trajectory in his life. Started off a good boy, obstinate, but a good boy from a good family with good values. Doing good things with his life, he loved his father, he loved his mother, he loved his siblings. He was learning, he was davening, and then he took that dive. For three and a half years, he managed a good dive. And if you would have seen him from the outside, in those three and a half years, you would have said, "This kid really—he was here, and he's just in a totally different place." He got into bodybuilding. He was an athlete. All the girls were chasing him. And for the people that knew him in that time, this is the word he used. I wouldn't use this word about a person, but this is the word he used. He said, 'Rebbe, I was the consummate player.' That's what everyone knew him as. That guy—he's a player. That's what he was. One night, and after that, everything was different. One night, and he said he never went back. What's the pshat that in one night of saying to him for three hours, he never went back?

12:19 How do you not go back? Three hours, and you never go back? This is the pshat. I want you to imagine for a second that you're Yaakov Avinu. Your whole life isn't defined by you. Who is it defined by? It's defined by your older brother Esav. Let's go back to when Yaakov was born. Yaakov was born. Why is his name Yaakov? Because he held on to Esav's ankle. His very name is what you held on to your brother's ankle. Now they're growing up. What's everyone thinking about the twins? These are the twins. They're always being compared to each other. In fact, what do Chazal tell us that even in utero What are they being? Rachel, I am sorry, Rivka feels a kick when she passes the base of Ayda Zara and a kick when she passes the base of Medrash. Yaakov Avinu, his whole life is about what being compared to Esav. Now one day, your brother Esav comes home. He was tired, he was thirsty, and he has the opportunity to trade for what. He has the opportunity to trade for the bchar. He has the opportunity to trade for the bracha.

13:28 And Yaakov Avinu grabs the bchar from Esav. Now all of a sudden, what does he do? In the ruchniestnik world, he takes Esav's place. Yaakov Avinu, who's holding on to Esav's heel the entire time, jumps up. He jumps up, and now it comes time for the bracha of Yitzchak Avinu. And what does Rivka say? You take Esav's place, and does he just get the bracha? She makes him dress up in Esav's clothing. If you think deeply about this What's the deeper meaning? What's the inner meaning of the story, girls? What happens to Yaakov? Yaakov becomes submerged, subsumed within an Esav identity. There is not one person; there is two people. Yaakovin, his whole life, runs parallel to Esav. And now what happens by the brachos? They become one. I think we can relate very strongly to the struggle of Yaakov Avinu. The struggle of Yaakov Avinu was very simple. We say it in one quick word: he was two people. He was Yaakov Ish Tam Yoshe Avhalim, but he also had to take the place of Esav. What does it mean to take the place of Esav? What does it mean that Yaakov was running parallel to Esav his entire life? There are two roles for people in this world. There is a Yaakov Dikar role and there is a Holy Esav role. What's the difference between the Yaakov role and the Holy Esav role?

14:54 Yaakov's role is to sit in beis medrash. Yaakov would have been sitting not so many blocks from here. He would have been sitting and learning Yomim Ve'Lailah without sleeping, without worrying about eating. He didn't care if it was Thanksgiving. All he did was focus on sitting and learning. So who was going to go out and do the work in the world? Who was going to be the one to actually go change the world? That was the job of Esav. Esav's job, because he was a man of the world, was to go out and fix the world. That's why Yitzchak loved Esav so much. Yitzchak was an oyle to Mima. Yitzchak was whole; he was perfect, just like Yaakov. So what did he see? He said, "Me and Yaakov, we understand each other. But what's exciting to Yitzchak is there's going to be a son of mine, somebody that comes out of me, that's going to go out into the world and is going to bring Eloku to the world. Who did that? My father Avram." That's what Yitzchak says. He loves Esav. Why? Because he sees the capacity to heal the world. Who is Esav? Who should Esav have been?

15:56 He should have been the man who went out and conquered his taivas. And even though he had a taiva for Avaydazara, you should know that Asav could have been twice as great as Yaakov. Because to be great in the beis medrash is amazing, but to have a taiva to be a certain person and to say, 'I'm going to transform myself,' that is a fundamentally different idea. That's greatness. The Alter Rebbe of Lubavitch was once asked what was the purpose of chassidus. The Alter Rebbe answered, 'L'shane estivaisov, not to change your midos, to change your nature.' The Alter Rebbe said, 'It's possible for a person to change their nature, which means that one naturally you might find yourself to be one way.' But just because you naturally have a tayva to be one way doesn't mean that's the way you have to be. Today it's not PC to say this. Today people hear this and they get very upset. What do you mean? This is the way I'm born.

16:51 These are my inclinations. This is who I am, Rebbe. You don't understand. I've always had anger problems. I've always been obstinate. Just because you've always been that way doesn't mean that's the way you have to be. Sometimes you see people and you know them from when they're little, and then you see them when they become adults. And it's the same person. They never really changed. They just became bigger versions of themselves. What do we say about such people? Chaval al asman. What did you do with your life? You were an obstinate little kid. Now you're an obstinate adult. That's why sometimes when parents come to yeshiva and they tell me, 'Listen, I want to tell you who my son is. You only met my son at 18 years old. I want to tell you who my son is. You know when they start from. I remember from when he was a little baby in diapers that this is the way he was. They always talk to me about his nature. Who cares? Just because he was that way doesn't mean that he will be that way. A person has an opportunity if they grow, if they shayg, that they could say, Okay, even though my nature was an esov, but I could be somebody who goes out and conquers the world.'

18:01 A lot of us get very stuck and we think that because we are who we are, we don't know how to change. We don't know how to become somebody bigger than that. When Yaakov Avinu takes over Esav's role, it's a big achrayas for him because Esav wasn't going to do it. That's what Rivka saw. She said to Yaakov, 'You can't let Esav have this role in the world because he's not going to do it. A person like Esav can chas v'shalom destroy the world. If you're a man of the world and you're such a broken person, you could destroy the world.' "To what can this be compared? This can be compared to a rebbe, or to a teacher, or to a mechanechet, who's so extremely dynamic. They have a tremendous capability of speech. They have a tremendous capability of charisma, and they know how to bring people in. And yet, they're very destructive people. And when they're destructive, they wreak havoc on people's lives. I'm speaking in a hidden way because I don't want to say these things too much. But we all know—the stories of those rabbayim and those mechanchot.

19:16 Those teachers that were in positions of power because they were charismatic people. But what they did with their charisma was the most horrific things—destroying children's lives. When a person is a man of the world, they have to be authentic. If they're not authentic, they can wreak havoc and destroy the entire world around them. It's a big responsibility to be a rebbe. It means when somebody comes to you and you give them advice, you have a listening ear. You have the capability of distorting them in such a terrible way if you're not authentic. If you're authentic, when you speak to a rebbe, you go to a rebbe, you go to a mechanechet, you go to a teacher, and you say, "I'm struggling with this." What do you think? If they're authentic, sometimes they'll say, "I see something like this. I see something like that." But if they're authentic, you know what they're going to say some of the time. At the least, some of the time, you know what they're going to say. Because not every time somebody asks us a question do we know the answer. But if you have someone who always tells you that they know the answer, it's a siman that they're not authentic.

20:21 Esav was a destructive person. Why? Because he had such unbelievable power. He was born with a certain redness to him. Chazal say that a person who has that redness to them has the capability of being a murderer, but they could also be a shaykhit. They could also be a male. They could take that teva and use it for good things. Esav could have wreaked havoc on the entire world if Rivka would have given that bracha to Esav. Chas v'shalom, what could have happened with the world? So listen, what Rivka says to Yaakov: It's not enough for you just to make sure that Esav doesn't get the bracha. You have to take on Esav's role in the world. If Yaakov has to take on Esav's role in the world, what's the challenge for Yaakov? He's no longer just being compared to Esav; he is Esav. He has to go out into the world. Memela, what does he do when Yaakov Avinu goes out into the world? He goes out like a Yaakov. What's the first thing that we see that Yaakov does when he leaves the house of Yisroch and Rivka? What's the first thing he does, girls? He goes to yeshiva shem ve'eiver for how many years?

21:28 For fourteen years. And does he sleep for fourteen years? Why not? But he was learning Torah beforehand by Yitzchak too. He has to learn a totally new type of Torah. Up until now, what was the Torah that Yaakov was learning? He's learning the Torah of Yaakov Avinu. What's the Torah he's going to learn now in Yeshiva Shem Ve'iver? It's no longer the Torah of Yaakov Avinu. It's the Torah of Esav. How do I go out into the world like Esav would go out into the world? How do I conquer the world like Esav? Even though I'm a Yaakov? You see how this is the struggle of Yaakov and Esav, and Mameila. What do the next twenty years of Yaakov's life look like? He works for Lavan. What is he involved in? He's involved in the Gashmius world the entire time. Now we come after twenty years by Lavan. Picture the scene: you're Yaakov Avinu, twenty years you're by Lavan, and you finally feel I'm ready to return home. What's the problem? Your brother Esav is ready to kill you. Why does he want to kill him? Because you took my role in the world. You took my spot. There's nothing more painful than somebody who takes somebody else's spot. I want to tell you an unbelievable vort. It was worth it to travel six thousand miles and not to go to a Thanksgiving dinner tonight just to hear this vort.

22:51 I heard this vort myself Maybe seventeen, sixteen years ago. It's an unbelievable vort. We know that Rachel Imenu she came to Yaakov Avinu and she said, 'Give me children. V'nayin mesa anaychi.' If you don't give me children, I'm dead. What is? Yaakov say back there. The pasuk says that Yaakov got upset. He got angry at Rachel. And what does he say? Am I in the place of God? Girls, picture the scene. I have neighbors. I have neighbors that are unable to have children. I actually had two couples on my block that never had children. They never had children. Just a couple of weeks ago, after twenty years of marriage, one of the couples gave birth to a child. And it was such a hidden thing. My wife said to me, 'You're not going to believe they had a baby.' I said, 'Even though she was pregnant, she got pregnant. They kept it a secret even from her own parents. They didn't want to say anything because there had been so many times'

23:50 So many miscarriages. And Baruch Hashem, they finally had a child. Biggest simcha in the world. Now there's only one couple left on our block that lo alenu can't have children. Imagine a wife who comes to her husband and she says, 'Please daven for me that we should have children.' V'im ayin meisa anochi. You know what it's like for a woman not to have children? It's a destruction of her whole being. If you can't give me children, I'm dead. Yaakov Avinu, The tzaddik, could get upset at such a woman. May your wife, your beloved wife She comes to and she says, "I can't bear the pain of watching my sister have all of these children. Of going to the gan and picking up her kids and holding the little crying kids and listening to them laugh and listening to them giggle and listening to them come home and tell me their problems. I can't do it anymore. I can't bear it." Yaakov Avinu says, "What do you want? Am I in the place of God?" That's what Yaakov Avinu did. That's why we should read the pasuk.

24:41 Listen, what I heard from Meshkiyach of Meishah Bamberger Shalita says an unbelievable word. If you look at the word Hatachas, Rashi says under the word Hatachas, "Am I in the place of God?" Sirv Bamberger asked the question. He said, "What's Rashi telling us?" We didn't know that the word Hatachas meant "Am I in the place?" Rashi just translating the words. He said, "No." Yaakov Avinu didn't scream at Rachel, and he wasn't angry at Rachel in the external sense that anyone could have seen. But listen to the words that he said. That Rashi is highlighting. This is what it sounded like. She's crying to her husband. She's saying, 'Please daven for me that we should have children. If not, what's the point of my entire living?' And he said to her gently and kindly, with exceptional compassion. What did he say to her? 'I would if I could. I mamish would if I was Hakadosh Baruch Hu. I would give you everything in the world that I possibly could, but I am not in the place of God.' What was the anger? It wasn't midos tovos to say the word hatachas.

25:46 It wasn't midos tovos to say the word vichibim kaimcha. Because what was Racheli Menu experiencing all of those years when she was there? What was she experiencing? My sister is in my place. Leah is in my place. Every child that Leah had, Rachel Yemenu thought could have been me. That should have been me. If it wasn't for my protecting the dignity of my sister, Reuven would have been mine. Yehuda would have been mine. They would have been mine. Yisachar would have been mine. What's the pshat? She's in my place. There is nothing more painful in the world than seeing someone in your place. So Esav wants to kill Yaakov. Why did you take my role in the world? This was my role, and you took it. So listen carefully. This is an unbelievable part. When we go through the story again, Yaakov Avinu has to prepare to meet Esav. Yaakov Avinu has to say to Esav, 'I'm going to show you that I can confront you, but it has to be with authenticity.' I'm going to read it again. We'll read it together. Va'yevaser Yaakov levado. Yaakov comes alone. Girls, who's there with Yaakov? Nobody. Nobody is there with Yaakov.

27:05 Nobody's there. Va'yevik ish imo, and an ish doesn't tell us who. A man confronts him. Who is that man? The Torah doesn't say who's the man. The man is Yaakov Avinu. He confronts himself. Which part does Yaakov confront? The Esav part of Yaakov confronts the Yaakov part. It's an internal struggle. There was nobody else there. It was the Malach of Esav. It wasn't Esav. It was the Malach of Esav. What's the pshat? The Malach of Esav. It means when you feel like you're two people. When you feel like there's a Yaakov part and there's an Esav part, and you find yourself alone, that kid in his room saying Tilm at three o'clock in the morning because he couldn't believe the Esav that he had become. Vaye'avik ishimo. Who's fighting with him? He's fighting with himself. Ad alois hashachar. What does alois hashachar mean? Until he came to a realization. Until he came to an illumination. It's no longer the dark night. The sun has risen. Meaning what? Saying, I know who I am. I am Yaakov. I had to go play the role of Esav. It didn't impact me, even though my whole life I was compared to Esav. I am a Yaakov. He fought with the Malach of Esav. That means he fought with the Esav inside of himself.

28:28 He was alone, but he had that illumination. I know who I am. I. But I find myself in these funny places doing these things. It doesn't really feel like this should be me. It was me. I was authentic. Vayar kilo Yacholam, and the Esav part of Yaakov. Realizes the Esav part of Yaakov realizes I can't win. Yaakov Avinu knows who he is, so he says to him You know who you are. You spent twenty years by Lavan and you didn't lose yourself. But I'm going to hit you in the gird on nasha. I'm going to hit you in the sciatic nerve. I'm going to hit you in the hip socket. What's the pshat? Says the Ramban. The pshat is authenticity is not a fight that you have once. Authenticity is a fight that you have every single day for the rest of your lives. You and your children's children. When a Jew goes out into the world, when a Jew finds themselves in an Asob type of place, they're going to be challenged. What's the challenge, girls? Who are you? You can't be authentic, and then you're just done. Authenticity is a quest that you either get or you don't get. It's something you do every day, or you don't get it at all.

29:53 Vayomer shalcheni ki'ala hashacher. The Malach of Esav says, "Let me go. What's the purpose of me still being here? You've clarified your authenticity. I've told you that no matter what, we're gonna keep doing this over and over again. Why do you continue to hold on to me?" And Yaakov Avinu says back, "I'm not letting you go until you give me a brach." And this only a Jew could understand. This it takes a divine tyrant to teach us this message. Listen to the message that Yaakov Avinu gets. Are the Yaakov Avinu sends us? We think that the worst thing that happens to us is that we have these crises of conscience, that we don't know who we are. The truth of the matter is, they're the best thing that ever happens to us. I'm not letting the Malach of Yisav go until it gives me a bracha. I'm going to tell you a secret. It's a controversial thing, but it should be obvious to every one of us.

30:50 The person you are today. You're only that person because of the mistakes that you've made. If you didn't make those mistakes, you wouldn't be this person. Yaakov Avinu says it's true. I had to fight that battle of Esav. It felt like it wasn't me. It felt like I was taking on somebody else's role. It felt inauthentic. But the truth of the matter is that convergence of Yaakov and Esav made me who I am. Esav, give me a bracha. How many of us are just running away from our worst parts of ourselves? We feel like this is the worst avera I've ever done. I just have to leave it in the past. Adarab, that avera that you've done, that asov part of you, the part that feels like it's you just want to run away, you just want to leave it behind. You should know that's how you become yourself. If you're willing to embrace the dignity of that conflict.

31:46 If you can find the divinity within that conflict, what's going to happen? You're going to stieg tremendously from it. As I look back on my high school career, I can't tell you that I'm proud of the things that I did over four years. I can't tell you that I'm proud of them. But I also can't tell you that I would do it if I had to do it again. I can't tell you I would do it differently because if I didn't have those four years, I wouldn't be with you today. Those years made me who I am. As a Rebbe in Mevaseret, who was a Rebbe in Rambam when I was in high school, and he was the Rebbe in the top shear. I, as you probably have heard by now, was not what they call a top shear guy. And he brought in a sefer that his shear had published, and he shows me the sefer and he goes, "Berg, look!" And he starts flipping through the pages. This shiur was written by. Tell you the names. These guys were awesome guys. This year was written by Josh Schwartz. This year was written by Donny Esaroff. This year was written by Kambiz Akavan. This year was written by Yono Raisch.

32:49 This year was written by Rabbi Akiva Block. Now Rabbi Akiva Block was just Akiva back then. And he's showing me, look, look at all your chaverim. This year was written by Sendik, and he's flipping through. Look at all. So I said, that's amazing. I took out my phone, I started taking pictures of these shiurim, and I put them on our WhatsApp group. We have a WhatsApp group from high school still, and I said, guys. Look what you accomplished! The Torah that you taught then, that you wrote in this sefer in high school, it's being taught today in Mivaseret. And one of the guys in that shear, one of these guys who wrote, one of these shtiklach Torah today

33:20 Is a lawyer. He wrote back. He goes, "Well, we didn't accomplish half as much as your shear, because after all, we didn't have a wiffle ball tournament in the middle of class. And your shear, you were well known to have a wiffle ball tournament in the middle of shear and Berg. If I recall correctly, didn't you have more strikeouts than anybody else in wiffle ball? I was a great wiffle ball player. In the middle of Shavuot, I want to tell you a true story. There was a kid in our class who was a Russian kid. He never had a Jewish education. When he came over to America, he had gone from Russia to Israel to America. He said, "I want a Jewish education." How did he come to Rambam? He looked up in the phone book, Jewish education. That's how he ended up in Rambam. He was the only kid that wanted to be in the class to learn. So he would sit in the front. The Rebbe was here. Danny was here, and they would sit and learn Russian and Rebbe, and the rest of us, where were we? Playing wiffle ball. The wiffle ball was flying over their head in the middle of while they were learning. Do I look back and say I wish I would have been in that top tier? I wish I would have been one of the guys that could hold up after four years and go

34:22 I was able to publish a sefer. Do I wish that a little bit? A little bit. It would be nice if I had that drive, that motivation, but I didn't. But if you ask me, would I be here today talking to you if I was one of those guys who wrote in the safer? I highly doubt it. You learn from the mistakes that you make. You don't regret them in the sense that you wish they were never a part of you. I regret it in the sense I wish I would have done more. But Baruch Hashem, I was privileged to be that person, so I could take it with me. I sat with a young man today. He's a really talented kid. This guy could be huge. He's brilliant. He's a sweetheart of a guy, but he's struggling. And as the menahel of the yeshiva, sometimes I gotta lay down the law. So I'm seeing him, and I just see he's like. I said to him, "I want you to know. I know what it's like to be on the other side of the desk. I promise you, if you do this, you could change your life. It could be unbelievable. I never had any principal that did that to me." When I got called into the principal's office, I felt like the biggest loser in the world. And I'll tell you the truth: I went back to my high school to recruit.

35:37 And the Rosh Masivta, who I love, He called me into his office. He said, "I want to speak to you." And I'm sitting in the same chair that I was sitting in 25 years ago, and he's across the desk, and I'm shaking. I'm almost 40 years old, and I'm shaking. And I have to keep reminding myself: Did I do anything wrong? I don't think I did anything wrong. Could I have done anything wrong? I don't think I did anything wrong. Twenty-five years later. I love him. He's amazing. He's wonderful. He always treated me with respect—not like the other principal. He always treated me with respect. But I was shaking. So today, when I was talking to that boy, it was with softness. I hope that it was with kindness. I hope that he saw. You know why? Because I remember. If I forget. Somebody once told me the godless of from Moshe Weinberger, Shlita, from Eish Kodesh and Woodmere. You know what his godless is? He never forgot what it was like to be sixteen years old.

36:33 That's why everybody in the world can relate to him because he never forgot. It would take a Yakov Avinu to look at his worst part and to go, 'You are going to give me the bracha.' Not the Ish Tam Yosheva Ahalim, not the guy who was sitting in Kailo, not that guy. The guy who went out into the world and had an Asav side—that's the part that's going to give him a bracha. Va'yomer Elo, Mashimecha. Va'yomer Yaakov. Says, 'Oh, you want a bracha? This is what it requires. We need to know who you are. You want a bracha? We have to find out what's your name.' What does it mean? Didn't the Malchav Esav know who his name was? It was deeper than that. He said, 'You want a bracha from me? We have to first find out who you are.' He said, 'What do you mean? I'm a Yaakov. You know who I am. I'm Yaakov.' The Malchav Esav says, 'You're not Yaakov. Yaakov was compared to Esav. Yaakov held on to the heels of Esau. That's who Yaakov was. You're not Yaakov anymore. You're Yisrael. Why? Because you fought with man and with God, and you were victorious. What's his name?

37:36 Why isn't his name Vatuchal? Because victory doesn't matter. It's the struggle that makes us great. Tonight, it's Thursday night in Yerushalayim, Ir Akedah. Baruch Hashem, plenty of holy opportunities around us. And if you go a couple of blocks in a different direction, you might have a ruach shdoz that comes into your head. Maybe what are they going to do? They're going to go a couple of blocks in a direction that doesn't lack the revealed holiness of the makom atayir that we're sitting in right now. You're going to have an internal struggle. I just went a whole day sitting and learning. In Sharfman's Baruch Hashem, Stigging, doing great things. But in a couple of hours from now, you might have the opportunity to make a bad mistake and you might find yourself in a place of conflict. Kesarisa, because you fought. That's why your name is Yisrael. He can't yet give him a bracha. First, he has to tell him who he is. You're no longer Yaakov. You fought for authenticity. You fought to say that I remain Yaakov, no matter in what situation I am. That's good.

38:51 That's holy because you fought, not because you won. Winning is not as impressive as fighting. We make a terrible mistake in our yiddishkeit. We think that the only way to be a good Jew is never to make a mistake. Your name is not Vatuchal. It's not called Eretz Vatuchal. You're not called Klal Vatuchal. You're called Klal Yisrael. Why? Because a Jew knows how to fight and not give up. That's what makes us the people that we are. But now Yaakov wants to understand something about the Sar Shalayshov. So what does he say? Tell me your name. You want to know who I am? You want to tell me that I'm a fighter? I want to know who I'm fighting with. What's the nature? What's the nature of the person I'm fighting with? I'm going to tell you a word from the Balay Musar now. This is an incredible word.

39:46 You ever have a moment? I know I have. I don't know if you ever have. You ever have a moment where you start thinking to yourself, "I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't do this. I know this is the wrong thing to do. And then you say to yourself, 'Stop thinking. Just do it.' And you go do the wrong thing. You literally have to tell yourself, 'Don't think about it,' because you think about it, you might not do it. I want to do it, so I'm just going to do it. Stop thinking about it. You ever have a moment like that? I see from those of you that just went like this. I know you. I know who I'm talking to in the audience. I just saw you. And for the girls that are just looking at me deadpan, you too. All of us together. We all do this. I know I shouldn't do it. I know I should. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Just go do it. And then you end up doing the wrong thing. How do you feel afterwards? You feel terrible.

40:31 With guys, you have this. A guy said to me, "This is a guy who's working on his midah of achilah. He's working on his midah of eating appropriately." He said, "Rebbe, I would sit down to a serving size of a pie of pizza." A pie of pizza was a serving size for him. Nine by thirteen is a serving size. Eat fig Newtons by the sleeve. That type of guy. I never understood how people could have one cookie. You have one cookie. Somebody had a birthday in yeshiva. He gave me one cookie. I said, 'Where's the next fifteen?' One cookie. So you're sitting there and you. He said, 'I'm sitting there with my pie of pizza. Don't do it. You're not going to feel. By the way.' A pie of pizza. And he's lactose intolerant. A pie of pizza. And you're lactose intolerant. Put down the pizza. Have a salad.

41:26 Don't get me started. If there's pineapple on it, that is an avera. But what's the pshat? He says to himself, "I really want this pie of pizza. Don't think about it." Next thing he knows, eight slices. Damn. You see, people do this. In Modi'in, there's a place called Giant Pizza. Do they really call it that? Giant Pizza, you have to see it; it's unbelievable. A regular pie pizza is this big. Giant Pizza is three times the size of a regular pie. How many slices? Each slice is the equivalent of over three slices. They make designs in the pizza, like Shrek's head in the pizza. Massive pizza. You see boys for a seam. What are we, Rebbe? Where are we going for a seam? Giant pizza. Giant pizza, boys. Giant pizza. You see the boys with a slice of pizza. First of all, eating pizza by itself is already disgusting. You ever see people? We don't think about it when we're eating it. Do you ever see people eat pizza? It's like they're shoveling, doing the calisthenics with their tongue to get every bit of cheese.

42:28 And if you have a beard, it's all just a mess. You don't eat pizza like human beings. Could you imagine taking a slice of giant pizza and shoveling it into your mouth? It's the most disgusting thing in the world. You know what he told me, Rebbe? If I think about it, I'm not going to do it. So I don't think about it. I just eat the slice. I just eat the pie. He came to me. This guy could eat. This guy could eat a giant pie. You know what he said to me? He came to me. He was so proud of himself. I was so proud of him. He came to me. He said, Rebbe, I just had two slices of pizza and I walked away. For him, it was a tremendous victory. You could make fun of it, but for him it was a tremendous victory. Two slices of pizza. This kid's never had two slices of pizza since he was a fetus, and that was only because his mother had two slices of pizza. He was once he could eat solids. This kid was eating pies. Two slices of pizza. The pshat is because he was mindful.

43:16 You know the nature of the malacham avos. You know the nature of the yitzharah, the sitra achra. The nature of it is don't ask my name. Don't pay attention. Just keep going. Don't ask my name. Don't look deeper. Don't look into the essence. Just be a person that goes. Just go. Just go. Just go. Just go. At the end, you'll get there. Just go. Just go. Just go. You know what happens along the way? We destroy the world. A person doesn't stop and think about the things that they're doing. How many guys? How many girls have come to me over the last eleven years of my life? If my parents would only know the things that I think about them. These parents—they're clueless. They're clueless. They don't know how their daughters are dying to be close with them, but they're not. They don't know why. Because they just keep going. They just keep going. They don't stop. They don't pause. They don't think. They don't ask. What is the nature of what I'm doing? They just keep going, and they're destroying people along the way. Yaakov Avinu wants to know what is the fight with the Malach of Yisav. You know what the Malach of Yisav's response is? I'm the one that tells you not to think. Don't ask my name. And then he gives him a bracha. You know what the bracha is? The bracha is.

44:17 That when you come to me and you say you want to know what my name is, and I tell you don't ask. You'll have the capability of continuing to be authentic, continuing to be you, continuing to struggle. Right now you're 18 years old, so you think, yeah, I can do it. Girls, there are people that when they leave, they don't revisit these issues for the rest of their life. 30, 40, 50 years old, we're already on a path. This is the plan. I have a plan. I just have to fill the plan. The plan is crazy. I just have to fulfill the plan. So Yaakov names the place Peniel, because this is the place where I saw God and He saved me. And this is my favorite part of the entire story. When we confront ourselves, that is confronting God. Everyone wants to build a relationship with God. I want to have a relationship with God. I want to feel God in my life. I'll tell you how to feel God in your life. It's the simplest and most difficult thing at the same time. If you be you, you'll find God. If you be putting on a mask, if you be pretending to be something that you're not, you won't find God. It was that time, alone at night, when Yaakov Avinu wrestles with his own authenticity.

45:31 That's what he comes to, and he says, 'I finally met the Rebbe Nisshon. Where? By myself, inside myself, face to face, and I was saved. Saved from who? Saved from myself. I want to tell you. We'll finish with this. I have a friend. I call him a friend, even though he's much older than me. But I hold him to be a friend. He is the most fascinating man in the entire world. I've never met a more interesting man in my entire life. He lived on ashrams in India. He's very close friends with Muslims.' He travels all over the world, speaking in different mosques and teaching people in the mosques about how Judaism and Islam are the same. He's a Breslover Chassid who lives in California. He is the most fascinating man you'll ever meet in your entire life. He's brilliant. He's kind. He has a Twitter feed with over fifty thousand people because everybody wants to know. Everybody wants to hear what this guy has to say. His Twitter handle is jihadijew. He's the most fascinating man you'll ever meet in the entire world.

46:36 He posted once on Twitter something that when I saw it, I lost myself with its brilliance. He's a man who's already in his sixties. He's an older man, sixty, late sixties. He said, "I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time in my life trying to be something that I wasn't to impress other people that didn't really care." It shocked me when I saw that. Shocked me, because how much of my life did I spend doing that, and how much of our lives do we spend doing that? I have to dress a certain way. I have to speak a certain way. I have to go to a certain place. I have to be a certain type of person. Why? To impress who? So that I should get the right shittich. So that this person should pay attention to me. But if they pay attention to you, who are they paying attention to? They're not even paying attention to you. They're paying attention to a version of yourself that you created, so that people could look at you and go, that person fits into the mold that I want them to fit into. But where are you?

47:37 Where are you? We're in a state where we need to be saved. From who? From ourselves. What's the fight? The fight is to be you. Hakadosh Baruch Hu only made one of you. How come you're pretending to be that other person? I remember in high school, there was a boy that was thrown out of another high school, and he was accepted into our high school. And this guy was so much cooler than any one of us. He came in day one. Everyone's like, 'This guy is the man. He's the new leader of the grade. He's so cool.' And at the time, it was very cool to wear black shirts and white pants. This guy wore black shirt and white pants. And you know what happened? Everybody in the entire school started wearing black shirts and white pants. Why? Because this guy did. I remember thinking about it. He came in, he was so cool, and he dressed one way. We all dressed that way. Why? Because we were all just trying to cover up who we really were. We were all afraid. We're all afraid to put ourselves out there. We're all afraid to be the person to say who we really are.

48:40 But you know who's happiest in life? The people that are happiest are the people that are themselves. They're not trying to be other people. They're not playing that game. They're not trying to impress anyone else. We're all playing this game. We need to be saved from ourselves. We need to meet the Eibaster inside of us. I wish I could tell you it only exists in the secular world. It exists in the frum world here too. If you don't have it exactly right, Am I going to get a good shiduch? Girls who are terrified. How many girls have come to me over the years and say, 'Rebbe, I would really want to do tshuva. I would really want to grow,' but you know it's too late because they're so unforgiving of girls. Isn't it true a boy could be the biggest lo yutslach for high school? He could do the craziest things. But if he comes to Israel and all of a sudden he's frum, what happens? It's like his past is forgotten. How many girls come to me and they go, 'Rebbe, I messed up, and the world will never let me forget it.' I'm going to tell you a secret.

49:42 As long as we hold onto it, the world will hold it against us. But we have to stand proud. We have to stand tall and say, "Yeah, I made some mistakes, but those mistakes made me into the person that I am today, and I'm okay." I'm okay with myself. I want to tell you something. Don't be afraid, because if you're authentic, if you can really hold on to that, your shidduch will be the best shidduch, because they'll be the one that marries you. I wish that we'd be able to hear this. I wish we'd be able to take it in. The greatest gift in the world that you've received from Hashem is you. Stop trying to be somebody else. Stop trying to run away from the struggles that you have. The struggles make you beautiful. Yeratzim of Ne'avinu Shavashamayim that we should all be zaychet to authenticity. To be able to really serve Hakadosh Baruch Hu with the truth of who we really are. Welcome.