Chapters
Transcript
Automatic transcript; may contain mistakes, especially in Hebrew.
I'm going to paraphrase this week's question because it's a long one. You can see the actual question in the description. But what it comes down to is this. Is there really something called loving someone altruistically? Or is it really all just selfish? Are we really giving because we are totally giving? Maybe we just like the way it feels for us. What happens if that person never gives back? Wouldn't we stop giving? So after all, does that mean that it's all taking? I think it's a very important question. When we think about giving and taking, we really have to think about the nefesh ha-behamis and the nefesh ha-lokis. The nefesh ha-behamis, the physical animated soul of a person, is concerned that one day it will die. And therefore, the nefesh ha-behamis is concerned only with survival. Which means that the nefesh ha-behamis is going to act in a selfish way. It's going to do whatever it can to survive. And therefore, even when a person is giving in such a situation,
they're really taking. They're really only participating in a relationship because of what they're going to get back from it. The relationship provides, for example, a measure of safety. The nefesh elokis, on the other hand, is eternal. The godly soul will never die. And because the godly soul will never die, it's not really concerned about survival. And because it's not concerned about survival, it's not really concerned about taking. What it's concerned with is giving, giving, fulfilling the mission for which it was created. So when Hakadosh Baruch Hu created the world, he created the world out of love. Olam chesed yibaneh. It was the ultimate act of selfless giving. And we have that capacity inside of us. Now, for many of us, we struggle with our nefesh abahamis versus our nefesh elokis. And so we feel that sometimes when we're giving, we're really just taking. So the question is, which one are we? Are we the nefesh abahamis or are the nefesh elokis? And the answer is, we're both of them. there are times when our giving is taking and there are times when our giving is true giving, this is very difficult for people to understand before they're married and have children.
Read the full transcript
because what happens is very often especially when we're younger we're totally takers and even when we do for others it's because it feels so good for us, But as we get older and as we become more giving people, more selfless people, because we're married and because we have children, we find that very often the giving that we used to do shifts because now we're not getting the same thing we got in return. So, for example, when someone gets married and they're giving and they're giving and they're giving and they feel frustrated with their spouse. because they're not getting what they're used to getting, there's an adaptation that occurs in the marriage when all of a sudden you realize, no, if I'm going to give to this person, it has to be for real. That's one of the major transitions of marriage. And the same is true with parenting. When parents realize that I can give and give and give to my children and there's no way that our children could recognize how much we've given to them, they have no choice but to shift their perspective and recognize I'm giving purely for the sake of giving. And so the challenge, especially when we're younger,
is to question, does this even really exist? The answer is yes, it does. And when a person gets older and they start to give in a totally selfless way, it has this tremendous impact on the way that they relate to God. Because what happens is now they can appreciate the ultimate act of giving that God gave. When God created the world, he didn't do it because of what he got in return. So if we were in a marriage and the marriage was all giving and no taking, would we leave? The answer is no. That marriage might be a marriage that has massive problems. You should probably see a therapist. But that would not be a reason to leave. That would not be a reason for divorce because the marriage is not immoral. It could be a cause of concern when one party is all taking because that reflects a certain immaturity that that person has. But a true giver would say, I stay in and I'm going to work with my spouse to help them become a giver. And the same is true in anything that we do. The more that we're looking to take from it, the less it will actually yield to us. And that's why so often children will complain.
that I feel like my parents don't really care about me. They're only concerned with image. They're only concerned with how this looks to the outside neighbors. If you speak to a child who, lo alenu, has gone off the deres, their frustration is that their parents are just sitting and worrying, what will everybody else think? And because they naturally and intuitively understand that the role of a parent is to be a selfless giver. It's something that we have to cultivate over time, but it is the natural condition of the soul.
Is this shiur filed in the wrong place? Let us know.