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This week's question relates to dating. How are we supposed to balance our heshtadlis with our emunah, specifically in regards to dating? I know that everything comes from Hashem, and He knows what is best for me, so how much work am I supposed to put in? Additionally, is it okay to daven for a specific person to be your zivog, or should the bekasha be a more broad one? When it comes to issues of emunah and bitachon versus heshtadlis, we need to clarify exactly what the balance is. The reason that we do heshtadlis. is because Hakadosh Baruch Hu desires to be hidden in this world. If Hakadosh Baruch Hu wanted to create open nisim, He could easily do it. It is no different for Hakadosh Baruch Hu to make an open nis, as it is to keep nature rolling. We are commanded to work in this world as part of our way of hiding Hakadosh Baruch Hu. If a person was on a level where they really, truly saw Hakadosh Baruch Hu in everything they did, and they had such emunah, then perhaps for them, the miracle would not be a miracle.
And they could sit back and allow Hakadosh Baruch Hu to provide. So how much eshtadlus should we put in? Commensurate with our emunah. For most of us, our emunah is not on the level that we just described. And it's very difficult, even though we know for certain that Hakadosh Baruch Hu provides for us, it's very difficult for us to actually be on that level. Like the famous story of Yisrael Salanter, that Yisrael Salanter gave a shmooze where he said, Hakadosh Baruch Hu, if he wanted, if you had the right emunah, that he was going to give you the winning lottery ticket, you could buy a lottery ticket, and for sure it would be the winner. So one of the Bala Batim who heard the shmooze, he went out and bought a lottery ticket and quit his job. His wife went running to Rav Yisrael Salanter and she said, what did you do? My husband quit his job now because of your shmooze. So he said, send me your husband. The husband came to Rav Yisrael and he said, I don't understand Rabbi Zishu. Rabbi said, if I have emunah, that Hakadosh Baruch Hu will give me the winning ticket, then I will surely have the winning ticket. So Rav Yisrael Salanter said to him,
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how much is the ticket for? He said, the ticket is for a million dollars. Rav Yisrael Salanter said to him, fine, I'll give you $10,000 right now for the ticket. Rabbi, why would I give you the ticket for $10,000 when I'm sitting on a million dollar lottery ticket? He said, okay, fine, I will give you $100,000 for this ticket. The guy said, Revi, I'm not trading a million dollars for $100,000. I've got the winning lottery ticket. I have Amunah that it's a million dollars. Revi Sarel said, I'll intercept them fine. I'll give you $990,000. So the guy said, sold. Revi Sarel said, no deal. You wouldn't lose $10,000. If you really believed that this was the winning ticket, you wouldn't lose $10,000. We are not on the level where we really believe that. So we have to create a vessel for our Kaddish Baruch Hu to fill. Because our Amunah is not on that level. There are people with higher levels of Amunah. There are people with lower levels of Amunah. We have to be honest with ourselves. When it comes to dating, even though it's 100% true that our Kaddish Baruch Hu could find our Zivug for us.
and we would never need to leave our own home, that's not the level of Eshtablis that most of us need to put in. The Gemara makes it very clear. The job of a husband is to go out and find his wife. What's the job of the wife? The job of the wife is to be found. Now if you want to be found, you have to put yourself, In findings way if you hide if you don't let people know that you're out there It's going to be harder for people to find you. It may be difficult at first because you might think to yourself It's so uncomfortable for me to go over to somebody and say that I'm dating. But it's good for people to keep you in mind. It's a Chesed that they can do and Especially because it's your responsibility to put yourself out there lean into the discomfort and say I'm looking to get married to this and this Type of boy if you know anyone, please please keep me in mind That is the job of a woman when it comes to finding her should have now with regards to davening keep it broad, We don't daven for specific things to work out because Hakadosh Baruch Hu does know best.
In very many cases over the years where a person is davening for a specific shidduch and the truth of the matter is the specific shidduch doesn't work out and it's the best thing in the world that it doesn't work out. I myself went to the Amshan of a Rebbe Shalita and I asked him for a bracha for a specific zivog and the Amshan of a Rebbe refused. I pressed him and the Amshan of a Rebbe refused and he said, I'll give you a bracha, you should find the right zivog in the right time. And sure enough, it didn't work out with that girl and while it was very painful in the moment, ultimately it was the best thing. That's the way we do it. We keep it broad. We put ourselves out there. We say, okay, this is our level of emunah. I have to put in my heshtadlis. Heshtadlis doesn't mean that I'm going to make something happen that's impossible. That would never happen. Hakadosh Baruch Hu runs the world. It's our job to minimize the nays. Put yourself out there. Let people know that you're dating. It's uncomfortable. I get it. But it's the way it has to be. If you have someone, a parent, a good friend, an aunt, a cousin, who's keeping you in mind, it increases the chance that your husband will have the opportunity to find you. And Be'ezer Hashem Yisbarach, it'll work out with the right one in the right time.
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