Balak - Why Insecure People Become Dangerous: Bilaam, Shame, and the Need to Be Important

1:51 And there's a subconscious, and a lot of what Bilaam is doing, it could be that even he was unaware of where he was operating from. Chazal are giving us a keen insight into a certain type of personality, and when you know this personality, when you see it in the words of Chazal, it's going to give you a very strong insight into who the dangerous people in this world are, because you'll see that even though Bilaam appears to be this prophetic character, you'll see it's actually very relevant to our lives. So to start, I'm going to start in Bamidbar chapter 22 verse 9. So I'm starting a little bit in the middle of the story. Bilam's already like Balak is already afraid. The Moab is afraid of Klal Yisrael, so they're constructing this whole thing, we got to go to Bilam. We got to get Bilam to join us because we have to use Bilam to fight against Klal Yisrael.

2:48 So the pasuk says, "Va'yavo lo kim al Bilam, va'yomer mi'an Hashem ha'el imach." So Hashem comes to Bilam and he says, "Who are these men with you?" Va'yomer Bilam el alo kim, and now Bilam responds to Hashem and he says, "Balak ben Zippor, melech Moav, shalach elai." So this is Balak, the son of Zippor, the king of Moav, who has sent these people to me, meaning he sent these agents. And you look at Rashi. What does Rashi say? Balak ben Zippor. Rashi says, "Atha pisha eno chashuv beinecha, chashuv ani beinay hamalachim." This is our first insight into Bilaam. What's Bilaam's response to Hashem? Bilaam's response to Hashem is, "I may not be important in your eyes, but I'm important in the eyes of kings." That's a fascinating thing, because nowhere did Hashem say, "You're not important." That never actually happened. What are the words?

3:44 What are the words that Hashem says? Who are these men with you? What's Bilam's response? And it's always interesting. You can always tell a lot by the way that somebody responds to your prompts. You ever have a conversation with somebody? I'm sure you have, where you say something totally innocuous, and then the person responds with something that's totally sharp, like a sharp retort that's designed to cut you down. It's like, what just happened? That's because of what was happening inside of you. This is a good example. The Torah tells us that Hashem came to Bilaam and said, "Who are these people?" And Bilaam responds, "It's Balak and Siphar Melach Moav. He sent me these people." But Chazal see something totally different that's going on underneath the surface. There's Bilaam with this very weak sense of self. Hashem, you hate me. That's why you're asking me this question. It's almost like Hashem is coming and saying, "Who are these men? And what is Bilaam here?"

4:38 Who are these guys with you? And what he feels like is I'm not chashav in your eyes, but you should know I'm chashav in the eyes of kings. Whereas a short, choppy sentence that trails off or ends with a function word. So whereas a healthier person might hear Hashem is speaking to me, Hashem is inviting me to examine what I'm doing. He's trying to knock me off course before I make a very big mistake. Bilam hears it through a lens of like, this wounded inner lens, which I think a lot of us can probably relate to. I'm not important to you. You don't value me, and so what he does, which I think a lot of us do. Is when we don't feel that rooted, secure sense of self, we reach for external validation. You should know I may not be important to you, but I'm important to big people. I'll give you an example of what this might look like in your married lives. If you don't work on having a secure sense of self, this is like the equivalent of the husband who comes home and tells his wife, "I know you don't think very highly of me, but I'm going to try to keep this concise."

5:36 I'm reaching, and by the way, there are people that do this even within their marriage. That they're using their wives or their children to give them that sense of validation, which is why the wound is so deep when things don't go the way they want to in their marriage or with their kids. It's like a person who has a healthy self-esteem. When their kids misbehave, it's like, okay, I'm going to deal with the kid's misbehavior. But when it becomes personal, because now that child doesn't validate my existence, now you're not parenting the child anymore. You're just reacting and probably taking out your rage and your anger on the child. You understand? So this idea of having a rooted, secure sense of self, and not needing that external validation, that's fundamental to being a human being. And what we see, and this is like at the very outset of the Bilaam story, is here we have a person who has a very weak sense of self.

6:27 And he's literally saying to God, 'You don't think I'm important, but these people think I'm important. I'm important in the eyes of kings.' And you can get a sense of this in the Psukim. It's not like Chazal made this stuff up. Where do you see it in the Psukim? So I believe you could suggest as follows in the Psukim: What does Bilaam say to Hashem? If I was writing the Torah, it would have sounded something like this: 'They're messengers. They're messengers.' What does he say? Balak ben Sipur, Melech Moav. It's like he's over-naming Balak. He's dramatizing. Like who Balak is, so he's very important. You should know this person. He's very important. This person that invited me to come to do this thing. Do we do it in the gila also by Mordechai? But there, right. So that's again, what's critical that you could see it through different lenses. And Chazal are giving us an insight that they saw. Again, it could be that sometimes people do it from a healthy place. Sometimes people do it from an unhealthy place.

7:20 When it's somebody who's like Mordechai HaTzaddik Ish, I assume that's what you're referring to. So there, because it's coming from a deep rooted sense of self, or when we're establishing somebody's lineage to say their virtue, their good deeds came from this lineage, Chazal point us in one direction. But here, Chazal they saw a sense of insecurity. The fact they didn't just say Balak, it's Balak Ben Sipur Melech Moav. It's to dramatize the importance because they saw that. Bilam was being yonic. He was pulling. He was grabbing for that external validation. Some hearts believe that someone that can talk to God. We're coming to that. That's a very important ha'ara. That here you have a person who's actually very capable. In fact, he's Moshe Rabbeinu's counterpart. Whereas Moshe Rabbeinu talks to God. Shmear who Bilam is the prophet for the Gentiles of the world. You should know, and we're going to get to this.

8:11 Being super capable is not a sign of greatness. In fact, often when you become an adult, you're going to meet people who are really super capable. But it's possible to be super capable from a very diminished sense of self. Like you know these overperformers, like they they're like they have this very big need to achieve. They have a very big need to self actualize. Often people, by the way, who are very talented, don't necessarily have a strong sense of self. And when they don't have a strong sense of self and they have a talent. They can actually achieve a tremendous amount with their talent, but don't think, don't mistake that just because somebody's talented and successful doesn't mean that they're actually great, and it certainly doesn't mean that they're virtuous, right? Somebody could be a very capable CEO and leave a trail of devastation in his wake, in his personal life, even in his professional life, because fundamentally he's not a secure person. Right? There's always those bosses that are amazing bosses. They see their mission as the CEO to take care of the people beneath them, right? In other words.

9:10 To be a person who's a leader is actually to be in service of the people beneath you. I want to make sure that you're taken care of. You know, you can't just say it and not mean it. You do a great job. I want to make sure that your family has what it needs. There's a man he passed away. His name was Bob. He passed away. He was the partner in a major law firm in a very big Baltsdaka. But one of the stories that if any of you know the Mashiach family from Chicago, he was the father of Mrs. Mashiach. And by the Leviyah, they were telling stories about how his employees, like the way he dealt with them, was like I'm taking, like I'm here to take care of you, like let's get you what you need, right? That's the sign of a virtuous person. That's the sign of a person who has an inner alignment. A CEO who's just looking to like win on the battlefield might have the most powerful weapon but without the right strategy, it's just a toy. A CEO who's just looking to like win on the battlefield of life might be very capable. He might even win.

10:02 But he probably destroys a lot of people in the process. So let's not mistake Bilaam's capacity for Bilaam being a virtuous person. So what happens? The Torah has a very interesting prescription here. What happens when a person fundamentally is lacking that sense of self? So the first thing we see about Bilaam is that he's arrogant and he has a tremendous need for kavod. I'm not saying this; Rashi says it. Let's look at the pesukim, chapter 22, verse 13. Vayakam Bilaam ba'boker. Right. Bilaam gets up in the morning and he says to Balak's nobles, "Return to your country, for the Lord has refused to let me go with you." Now, again, if you were just reading those p'sukim, he sounds like a tzaddik. Hashem said, "I can't go with you." What does Rashi say? Rashi says, "Lahalochimachem, ella im sarim gedolimikem." I can't go with you. You're not big enough.

11:01 In other words, you see how Rashi's like Chazal are like they're like, and again, Rashi is not making this up. It's based on the Midrash of Megillat Hamo, but it's also in Bemidbar Rabba. But the idea that Chazal are conveying is that he wasn't saying simply, 'I can't go with you,' saying, 'I can't go with you guys. You're not big enough. You're not giving me enough covered.' And that's what Rashi says. But finish, la madnu sharuchol gavoa. This teaches us. He was an exceptionally arrogant person. He was a conceited man, and he had no sense of self. When we think of an arrogant person, you should know in truth there is no such thing as an arrogant person. All arrogant people are really just overcompensations for the fact that they don't have a sense of self. So when a person acts in such a conceited way and they're like, 'I can't go with you. You guys aren't chashav enough for me to come with you,' it's not because Bilam is strong. It's because Bilam is weak. Because strong people they don't need to do that at all. Strong people humble themselves all the time. They're not interested in cover. They're running away from cover.

11:55 And that's why Kabbad chases after them. That's what the Mishnah says. You run away from Kabbad. Kabbad chases after you. The problem is we run away from Kabbad, and what do we do? Is Kabbad chasing me? It's like we act as if we're running away from Kabbad, but really we've got one eye running away from Kabbad and one eye just making sure Kabbad's coming with me. The healthiest people in the world are those who are so securely attached to themselves because they have such a deep connection to Hashem. Why would I ever be looking for Kabbad from somebody else? But that's what Rashi says. Beferish. The Lo Ratzal Galus Shehu Berusus Hashalamakim Elabalashan Gassus. So what does Rashi tell? He doesn't want to reveal to them the truth, which is he really is under the control of the Rebbeinu Sholom. He can't do anything by himself here. But there's a Gassus Ruach here. There's a Gaiva. There's an arrogance at play when a person has a weak sense of self. Number one, you're going to see arrogance and the need for cover when you see people in the world.

12:48 Who they have a certain arrogance. Remember, it might be subtle. It doesn't always. By the way, sometimes the most arrogant people never say it out loud. They're too polite to say it out loud because they don't want to be known as the arrogant person either. See, that's the catch twenty two of the arrogant person. Because if everyone talks about him as arrogant, he doesn't get the cover that he needs, right? Bilaam says it in the most subtle. I can't go with you, but the strong implication underneath the surface is with you, right? It's the catch that the arrogant person doesn't want to be seen as arrogant. But there's arrogance underneath the surface, right? And that's why Balak keeps going and saying, okay, let me send bigger noblemen to him to get him eventually to come. If Korach had these ideas and all these, he wanted to curse the Jews. You mean Korach or Bila? Bila, yeah. So why did he listen to Hashem? He said no. We'll see. Very good. We're getting there. We'll soon see. What's the next thing? The next thing we see, Morty, I knew you were going to make it. I didn't know how. I knew you were going to make it.

13:46 What is the next thing we see? The next thing we see is when somebody lacks a strong sense of self, you're going to find greed. That's another feature of somebody that has a weak sense of self. There's a greediness to them. Let's see where we see it inside. Chapter 22, verse 18. So what does Balaam say to Balak's servants? Even if Balak would give me a house full of silver and gold, I can't do anything small or great that would go against the word of Hashem. So on the outside it sounds from no. On the outside he's mamish like he's a shtark. He's a shtark guy. But let's look at what Rashi says. Again, Rashi is not making this up. Here Rashi is again quoting from the Medrash Tanchuma and Bamidbar Rabba also. He says la madnu shanaf shurachava umachamed mam and achirim. He has a.

14:43 He's a greedy person, right? And he's looking for other people's money, right? And not only is he greedy. Look what else Rashi says. The truth is, he should give me all of his money. Why? Because if he wants to win this war, he's going to have to rent out big armies. And even if he rents out those big armies, maybe he's victorious and maybe he's not. The ani, vadai not sayach. But if he gets me, he automatically wins. Do you hear it? Do you hear the grandiosity? Right. This is all coming from a very weak sense of self. The truth is, the words on the outside—it's fascinating. The words on the outside are, I can't do anything without Hashem. But on the inside, right? What is Chazal telling us? He's greedy for money. Because he has a weak sense of self.

15:37 And he has a grandiosity, even though he knows he can't do anything outside of Alkalus Baruch Hu. But what's the message that he communicates? The message he communicates is, for sure, I'm going to be victorious. You see, there are people that show up with a sense of confidence, but confidence doesn't mean that they're assured. It's an interesting balance. If you've ever met a truly confident person, they show up and they go, 'I don't know that I'm going to be able to do this perfectly. I'll probably make mistakes. I'm going to learn along the way. I hope that I'll be matsliach. I think I can do this.' There's like a very, it's a very thin line. Some people they say, “Okay, let me check.” Some sentences are choppy, but they should be combined into fluid sentences. Some people show up to like an interview and they go, 'I got this. Just give me the ball.' It's not necessarily you should know that type of confidence. It's lavdafka confidence that might be arrogant. Now again, sometimes you'll see this in companies, and you'll see this for sure in your own life. Those people they might be very successful, but you don't want to work on a team with them.

16:37 Because they might be the best at getting it done, but they create a deep sense of mistrust in the environment around them. Nobody wants to work with that guy, even though he's super capable. You ever have people in the company like that? Probably not in your company. It's probably a humble company. But I know for sure that I've met people in my life that are super capable people, but nobody wants to work with them because there's a certain weak sense of self, very greedy. Always because and by the way, why? Of course they're greedy because what does money give you? Money could give you a sense of self. And there are people that like what they, I'm talking about like there are people like that like they wear their money on their sleeve. I'm talking about like they just somehow know how to communicate that they have it. There are some people that have a tremendous amount of money you'll never know it about them. Like it's almost like that person really. And there are some people like I was having this conversation with Steve I think last week. Why would anyone want people that know they have money? That's a humble person. But when people like.

17:35 When people like to flaunt it, you should know there's a sense of like, this is me, right? I'm the wealthy person, and they talk about it, and they do it in a very subtle way. You know what that sounds like? I'll tell you, it goes like this: They go, that person, trust me, what I've done for them, you should know the amount of money that I gave to make sure that they. It's like a power play. They say it, and you're like listening to them going, are you for real? Do you realize how much you're betraying yourself in the words that you're saying right now? But they don't know. They don't know it because when you have a weak sense of self, you're very not self-aware. And the final thing that we see about Bilaam is he's full of hate. He's full of hate. That's another interesting thing about Bilaam, chapter twenty-two, verse twenty-one. This one we all know. Vayakum Bilaam b'bokev v'yachavosh asaso no vayelechem sarei moav. So what does that mean? So what does Bilaam do again? The pasuk is innocuous. The pasuk is very powerful. The pasuk says Bilaam got up in the morning.

18:33 He saddled his donkey and he went with these Moavite dignitaries. But what do Chazal say? Also, you see, Chazal again, based on the Medrashim, you should know he was full of hatred. That's why he woke up so early in the morning. Not only does he wake up in the morning, but he saddles the donkey himself. This is another feature of a person who has a weak sense of self. Whenever you see haters, that's a good 2026 way of expressing this. Rashi, he didn't know. I don't know if Rashi knew the word "haters," but he would have appreciated that word. Whenever you see haters, you should know, hate is born out of a very weak sense of self. We have people that they're just like they're out to attack, they're out to take people down. You should know if you have a need to take somebody else down, that's born from a very weak sense of self. Healthy people, they wake up in the morning to sacrifice to do the will of our Kadosh Baruch Hu.

19:29 And that, and by the way, that word sacrifice is a big word. They're willing to say, "I'm." It's not about me. I'm willing to give, right? Give you my most precious things in the service of the highest possible truth. And that's why. What is the next thing that Rashi says? Amar Al Kadosh Baruch Hu, Russia Kvar Kadama Kvar Kidma Kidmecha Avram Aviam. Because Avram Avinu also wakes up early, also saddles his own donkey. But what's the difference between Avram Avinu and Bilam? Michal, this goes to your point. Same exact words, but the difference is that Avram Avinu, who has that secure attachment to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, that sense of self that's born from the fact that he has a chelak elokam imal, he wakes up in the morning to sacrifice for the highest possible truth. And another deep message here. These two personalities, when they clash, when they clash in the world.

20:18 Love always beats hate. You think you need to fight fire with fire? You should know love always beats hate. The darkness in the world will never stand up to the light in the world. As the famous line from the Lubavitcher Rebbe: If Hitler killed six million people in hate, then we'll find six million people in love. And you should know love always wins. A person, if you have to choose between two people, one devastating the world with his hatred, and the other love. The love person might not look as charismatic in the beginning, and the impact might not look as flashy in the beginning. But in the long term, you should know when they go up against each other, Avram Avinu's love will always beat out Bilam's hatred, and that's true in the world. So we have three things here. Number one, we have this idea that when you're deeply not connected to yourself, there's an arrogance and a need for cover.

21:09 Number two, there's a greed and a sense of grandiosity. I've got this. I'm capable. Hire me, vada, you'll be successful. And number three, when you have a weak sense of self, you're gonna you're a hater. You don't know how to sacrifice. Everything becomes about you. What do you do if you want to know this personality type? The thing that these people do is they weaponize language. They weaponize language. I know you don't know what I mean right now, but you'll see it. Let's look at the pesukim again. Verse twenty-three: Vatera ha'asam es malach Hashem nitzav baderach v'charbo shloofa biyado v'atei ta'asam in aderech v'ateilch vasada v'yach bilam asa asam la'atos aderech. So what happens? So the donkey sees the malach Hashem that's on the road.

22:00 And the malach has what? A sword drawn. That's an unusual imagery. And so, what does the donkey do? If the donkey sees a malach and sees the sword drawn, so the malach goes out into the field. And what does Bilam do? Bilam starts to beat the donkey until it gets back on the road. And what does Rashi tell us? Rashi tells us Amar rushes zehiniach klium nasso shekli zayn on shalom asah olam becheref vhu baaleim bepiv shehu nashalahem. Rashi is telling us an interesting thing. Hashem says this wicked man left behind his own weaponry. What was the weaponry of the ga'el? The weaponry of the ga'el is the sword, and he leaves behind his own weapon for our weapon. What's our weapon? What's our power? Our power is the power of the mouth. Our power is the power of language. So what does Hakadosh Baruch Hu say? Afanias posas shalow va'avolav be'naso v'chein sofah was bilam barah harag b'cherev.

22:59 So it's like you left your weapon to try to take ours, which is language. Hakadosh Baruch Hu says, "I'm going to take your weapon, which is the sword, and ultimately you'll die by the sword." And that is how Bilam ultimately dies. And so when we see that the Malach has a sword, that's already like remember in they did English in J C. Remember in what is it? They did the A P. The you do the yeah you know they call it foreshadowing you remember that you learn foreshadowing. I know very few things from high school, all my education came after high school, but I remember there's a couple things. The mitochondria is very good. Yeah, I remember Pythagoras theorem. Yeah, a plus a squared plus b squared equals c squared. Guys did not know that that's very sad. It's very sad. I remember SOHCAHTOA. Did you guys have SOHCAHTOA? Yeah.

23:57 And I remember foreshadowing. I remember my. I remember my teacher taught me that sometimes in the beginning of a story, it sends you a message of what's going to happen in the end. So the Malach is already holding the sword, and that's foreshadowing that what's going to end up happening to Bilam is he's going to die by the sword. What's the what's the inner message over here? What's the Torah trying to communicate to us? What is the power of Klal Yisrael's mouth? What does it mean that Bilam adopts the mouth? Delicious. This is like what we were getting to earlier. So it goes like this. For us, the mouth is a place where we articulate with great vulnerability our helplessness towards Hashem. That that's what davening at its core, right? Davening at its core is the act of vulnerability, turning to Hashem and saying, "I am powerless, but You are powerful, and so I'm turning to You, Master of the Universe, and saying."

24:54 You be the greatest power. Do you see the vulnerability that tefillah takes? In other words, in order to daven, a person needs to feel a deep sense of self. Because only someone with a healthy sense of self can use their words to come to Hakadosh Baruch Hu and say with tefillah, because that's the power of our mouth. The power of our mouth is tefillah. It's the ability to vulnerably turn to Hakadosh Baruch Hu and say, "Please help." Now, if you don't have a sense of self, then what you can't handle is vulnerability. And here's what happens when you can't handle vulnerability: What you do with your words, you turn your words into a weapon. So you have two choices: Your words can either be the greatest way that you create relationships. Think about Hakadosh Baruch Hu created the world with words. That's the greatest expression of creating a relationship.

25:47 Speech can become about how you control and dominate other people. It's an interesting thing if you think about it. That speech can often be how you impose your will on others, or how you impose your will upon others, especially. You'll forgive me for saying this. You'll hear that I'm going to say it in a little bit of a secret way. You know, a little bit of a hidden way, but you'll understand exactly what I'm talking about. Especially when the person who's speaking purports to be a spiritual person. That's a very dangerous thing when you have a person who's in a spiritual position, right, in a position of we'll call it of spiritual leadership, but he's not a healthy person, and he has a very weak sense of self. But he might have a tremendous peiachadibor. Sometimes people can be very charismatic and very dynamic. And what do they do with their charisma and their dynamism? Rather than creating genuine, authentic relationships, sometimes what those people do with their words.

26:43 Is they use their language to control other people and to impose their will upon other people. You can use your charisma to dominate other people. By the way, for just being very honest with each other, that's the danger, especially at your young age. You guys are ripe. You're young, right? When you see a very charismatic speaker and they're pounding the table and they're screaming with ferociousness, right? Sometimes the adults in the room, if you'll notice, if there's ever adults in the room, one of the adults are sitting there like cringing, right? And the kids are like, "This guy's awesome." Right, he's telling it as it is, and the adults are sitting there going, "He has no nuance." And what are his needs here? And it's an interesting thing because you get a little bit older and you get a little bit sensitive to the way people that are using their words. And so here, what happens is that the Malach shows up, and the Malach is actually like a revelation of what's actually happening inside of Bilaam. And that's why the Malach shows up with a sword, right? Because the Malach says, "Don't fall for Bilaam."

27:40 He purports to be a very spiritual person with his tremendous koyachadibor, but in reality, you should know his words have been weaponized. These are words of control. These are words of destruction. Mida keneged mida doesn't just mean you use our weapon, so we're going to kill you with yours. That's a very surface level understanding of Rashi. Rather, what it means is as follows: Since you turned our mouth into your sword, ultimately, we're going to reveal the sword that's hidden inside of your mouth, and that will be your destruction. And by the way, that is always the way it goes. These people who have this weak sense of self have this tremendous power of kaya chadibar, and they weaponize their words. You should know eventually, it's that same power that turns on them, and that always becomes their downfall. That happens to be true about every corrupt personality structure.

28:34 Every corrupt personality structure follows that same concept: there's the false presentation of who they are, and then there's this hidden emotional truth. So Balaam's false presentation is, and delicious, this was your point before. I'm this great prophet. You're not actually this great prophet. Just because you happen to have this power, and you're pretending that you're this spiritually refined person. Doesn't mean that your hidden truth is that you're not even trying to be a good person. Doesn't mean that your hidden truth is that you're not filled with rage and envy and greed and a need for covet, right? Fundamentally, that's who you are, and that's why later we're going to see that. What does Bilam say to his donkey? He says, "Luyeshcheref biyadi kiata heraticha." You should know if I have a sword in my hand, I would kill you. It's an interesting thing when you run out of words. You ever see that? I've seen this in my life.

29:22 Sometimes I've seen it, and even in our community, right, where like people are talking and they're like screaming at each other, and then at some point somebody just takes a swing. Like maybe you've seen it at a yeshiva league basketball game or a hockey game, right? At some point you just run out of words, and then outcome to these fist cuffs. Like all of a sudden they're like, "What happened there?" What happens is as follows: when you're a child, right? So what you learn is. I can transform my impulse into language, right? Isn't that what happens when you're a child? You throw a temper tantrum, right? So you're impulsive and you're screaming, you're grabbing, and you're hitting. And what do parents say? You know these words. Use your words, right? Isn't that what your parents? They say time out. Sometimes we get put in time out. We get put in time out. Why do we get put in time out? Because sorry, sorry. What was that? It's a totally different type of trauma.

30:19 That's also when you use your words. We teach children, right? You have to be able to say, 'I am angry.' I would like to. I would like this. Use your words. But when a person is emotionally underdeveloped, when they don't have that secure sense of self, so language, even though they become an adult, right? But they actually never transformed their aggression into language. What happens? They use their language to disguise their aggression, and so their words become very biting. So the words that come out are very polished, but inside those words are actually violent. So speech, and this like if you really want to know how to make peace, this how you make peace. You want to make peace? Sit at the same table and talk it out.

31:06 And that's going to be relevant in your marriage, and it's going to be relevant in your jobs, and it's going to be relevant in your communities, and in your shuls, and it's going to be relevant when you're talking to your kids' rebbeim and your kids' teachers. If you really ever want to make peace, if you want to make peace when you're at odds with somebody, language is the key to overcoming violence. That's the key. You have to be willing to sit down and talk it through. However, there are people who use their words as the most sophisticated form of violence. And that's a very dangerous thing. That's what happens when you don't have a secure sense of self. Let's move on. The donkey, understanding all this, that Bilam has this grandiose sense of self. Now we can start to understand what happens when the Bilam, when Bilam's donkey starts betraying him. It's more than just Bilam is upset because it's not doing what it wants. It's actually puncturing the fantasy of the audience. It's actually puncturing the fantasy of Bilam's grandiosity. So, the audience is being told, or they're being told, or they're being told that they need to be careful about the content of the text they're writing. They're being told to be careful about the content of the text they're writing. It's actually puncturing the fantasy of Bilam's grandiosity. So let's look again, verse 29.

32:04 Bilam says to the donkey, 'You humiliated.' I apologize. I put the wrong pasuk here. Can I borrow your chumash for a second? Vayomer Bilam, I put the wrong one. I apologize. Vayomer Bilam asam ki asalalta bi luyeshcherav biyadi ki ateratip. So Bilam says to the donkey, hisalalta bi. What does that word hisalalta mean? Torture? Let's look what Rashi says. That's what I would have thought. Rashi says kitargumo lashon gnei ubezayim. You humiliated me. It's an interesting lashon. If you were talking to your donkey, first of all, you're talking to your donkey. You already have.

33:02 That's a serious ayahuasca session. Let's say you are actually talking to your donkey, and your donkey stops listening to you. What words would you have used? I wouldn't have said you humiliated me. That's a fascinating thing, right? And not only that, Rashi explains, "Luyeh shcharev bi'adi." If I had a sword in my hand, "Genuz gedayla ha'yolo davizeh be'eni asarim." Because remember, who's with Belam at this point? It's the dignitaries of Moab that are escorting him to Balak. And now he's become contemptible in their eyes. All of a sudden, they don't look at him with such. He's not so chashav anymore. Because the donkey is not listening to him. That's a big part of it. But listen, what Rashi says: His words, because what did Bilam say? Bilam said, "If I had a sword, I would kill you." These dignitaries are going. You need a sword.

33:55 You're Bilaam. We're we're hoping that you're going to take on all of all Israel. A sword is not going to help you kill all of all Israel. So Bilaam, with his own words, is actually undoing his entire structure right now. Right? He's got this grandiose structure, but with his own words, the entire thing is actually falling apart right in front of him. Couple lessons here. First of all, boys, I'm going to tell you probably the biggest lesson I've learned in my life. You know what failure is? Failure is just failure. That's all it is. It's just you shot and you missed. You shot and you missed. But when people have a weak sense of self, you know what failure is? Failure becomes humiliation. And that's the difference between people that make it in life and people that don't. I'll share with you something, and I think you'll probably know this. You know that guy who's like talented at basketball, but somehow never levels up in his game.

34:53 He's talented. He's got. He's got. He's athletic, but he never levels up. You know what the secret is? You know why he doesn't level up? He doesn't level up because every time he misses, he's humiliated. You, if you're in the game of life, failure is just failure, but failure with a person who has a weak sense of self, it becomes humiliation, and this is what he's experiencing. He's got this grandiose thing, right? And now the donkey won't listen to him. And now all of a sudden it's personal. I'm you humiliated me in front of these people. Look how you treated me. How could you speak to me that way? I want to share with you one of the greatest moments I ever saw from my rebbe in a very famous shmuhs that my rebbe gave. The shmuhs went for I think three hours, maybe even longer than three hours. It was a very long, very profound shmuhs, and it was on the fourth floor of Landers.

35:47 And my rebbe was sitting like at the front in the middle, and a ton of talmidim were there Friday night. Everyone was around him, and Rebbe said, 'Okay, so what's the problem?' And Rebbezim Parnas was all the way in the back. And basically, my rebbe gave a shmuus, presented an idea, and then for hours, guys asked him questions, and it was masterful because my rebbe had the idea so defined and so clear that he was able to fend off every attack by showing how his initial presentation answered every question. It was masterful. Nathan Fink from Scranton, Pennsylvania. Nathan Fink asked my rebbe a question, and my rebbe answered it. And he was about to move on to the next person to take the next question. I'll never forget this. And Rebbitz and partners from the back of the room, she raised her hand.

36:38 And she goes, Rabbi Parnas, I have a question. We're all dying of laughter. You know these rabbisins—they've got a great sense of humor. If you've met the rabbis, they're very strict about this. Like, if you say something wrong, they'll just not talk to you for a week. So I was already like, what question does the rabbisin have? So we all turned, and he goes, Yes, rabbisin Parnas. And then she goes, I think you avoided answering his question. And we were ready to die. Nobody spoke to my rabbi that way. My rabbi was like other rabbis, like in Shire, if you said something foolish, my rabbi was like sharp, like he was there for Torah semis. And my rabbi sat there and he goes, I'll never forget. He goes like this. He goes, he thought about it for like ten seconds and he goes, you're right. I did avoid the question. Nathan, ask it again. That was godless. That was godless. If it was my wife in front of you guys, I would have said to my wife, like, don't do anything, just let me go. Don't embarrass me in front of Svi. Don't make me feel bad in front of my family. Don't embarrass me in front of chick. Don't like.

37:36 Don't talk to me that way, because that's what comes when you have a weak sense of self. When you have a strong sense of self, you're not humiliated. That sense of humiliation that Bilam had from his donkey—things aren't going the way I want—it's personal. I'm humiliated. It's a sign of a weak person. But even more than that, an insecure person always behaves in a way that undermines the very greatness that they're trying to prove. I'll give you an example of this. Sometimes people want to seem very smart. You ever meet people like this? They want to seem very smart, so they can't admit that they don't know something, so they end up sounding very foolish. It's always the arc. Somebody who's trying to prove one thing about themselves always inadvertently ends up undermining the very thing that they're trying to prove. Like, when you have a person who acts as if they're always in control, but they end up overcontrolling and showing their insecurity. It always works like this.

38:33 A person wants to be respected, but they're like chasing after respect, and so it's like hard to respect somebody who needs the respect. So it's a fascinating thing when it comes to Bilam. Bilam, by his own grandiosity, right? So what does he do? He says to Donkey, if I had a sword, I would kill you, right? But immediately, what do the Sarai Moab know? He's takah weak, because we're bringing him here for the koyach of his mouth. But what does his mouth betray? The mouth actually removes the grandiosity, so Bilam becomes the agent of his own undoing. Because had Bilam been a healthy person, he would have had like a curiosity. He would have said, why is my donkey behaving this way? It doesn't ordinarily behave this way, right? So he would have been thoughtful, and he would have said, maybe the donkey is experiencing something that I'm not experiencing. But when Bilam, it says about himself, what do you mean? I'm the ultimate seer. It's not possible that my donkey could see something that I don't see, right? So his own grandiosity becomes his undermining.

39:32 Now Chazal introduce something to us, which again is a very subtle point. We all know this. We're familiar with this Ma'amar Chazal, verse 30. So then the donkey says to Bilam, "Am I not your donkey on which you've ridden since you first started until now? Have I ever been accustomed to do this to you?" And what does Bilaam say? This has never happened before. And now Chazal tell us an unbelievable thing. Ha'askenis kanti ketargumo v'chein hal yiskan galver v'raboseinu darsha mikherze b'talmud amrle my time olorachavta asusia. So amr lehu v'etivya shadayle v'chulu. He's quoting the Gemara in Avodah Zarah, and the Gemara in Avodah Zarah goes like this: There's actually a full conversation here that's not recorded in the Pesukim. Again.

40:26 This is why it's so critical to learn Tarshav Al Peck because if you just learn Tarshav B'Chsav, you're tarred. You just learn Tarshav B'Chsav, you don't really see the full story. What was the full conversation that Chazal said? These dignitaries, these Sare Moav, they asked a question to Bilam: Why are you riding on a donkey? Why aren't you riding on a horse? Meaning, a horse would be what? A majestic creature, worthy of somebody of your stature, right? What does Bilaam say? So Bilaam says, "Oh, I think the horse is out to pasture. That's why I'm on my donkey." And now the donkey starts talking. The dog barks. Okay, yeah, like, I mean, but then again, this is the part where the donkey starts talking. "What are you talking about? I'm not your donkey. I've been your donkey forever. What are you doing? Like, I'm not your donkey. I'm your donkey." So he goes, "You're not my donkey. You're just my donkey for like bearing my burdens, for carrying the load. You're not. We don't. I don't really ordinarily ride you." And then the donkey. So he says, "Only on occasion."

41:17 No, sorry. And then the donkey says back, "What do you mean? You ride me? Just I don't know. Only sometimes I ride you, yeah." And then he goes, "What do you mean? From the very beginning until now, that's how long you've been riding me." And not only that, but now Chazal introduce a fascinating thing. Not only have you been riding me during the day, but even at night you lie with me. Bilam was over on bestiality. Bilam had an intimate relationship with his donkey. That's what Chazal tell us. So. This a fascinating thing. So, where did Chazal get this from? Now, not only does Bilam not have a horse, he has a donkey, and not only does he have a donkey, he has an intimate relationship with a donkey. Where did that come from? So, again, it all goes back to that same yisod. If you have a healthy sense of self, then you participate in relationships in one way, and if you don't, you participate in relationships in a different way. This very relevant to our generation.

42:14 Healthy intimacy requires a sense of self because intimacy, by its definition, is vulnerable. Vulnerability is the price we pay for admission. If you want to love somebody, you have to be capable of encountering them. You have to show up and show who you are. They have to show up and show who they are. And in that space of vulnerability, that's where the relationship occurs. But if you don't have a deep sense of self, if you don't have a rooted sense of self, so what do we want? Intimacy without vulnerability. Boys, I told you it's very relevant for our generation because that's what pornography is. Pornography is the external of intimacy, but without any of the vulnerability. It's the feeling of connection without the vulnerability of connection, because the image can't reject you. So this is what the donkey is.

43:09 Chazal understood that if Bilam has such a fragile sense of self, his relationship with his donkey must be inappropriate because somebody like this can't participate in a healthy relationship. So his donkey can't speak back. His donkey can't betray him. He gets all the intimacy without any of the vulnerability. So what happens is, and this is again very much the case with people who don't have a healthy sense of self. Is when these Moavite dignitaries come to Bilaam and they say, "Why are you riding on a donkey and not a horse? Meaning, aren't you supposed to be this like unbelievable spiritual power? Right? Where's your royal vehicle?" So Bilaam lies. That's another feature of somebody who has a very low sense of self. They don't know how to tell the truth. I'm always nespol. There are some guys in yeshiva that they make a mistake.

43:59 Hey, you get called into Menal's office or Sky Menal's office depends on how I want to deal with it. I am the Perem Spiel from this year. You can tell Josh I said that. The Perem Spiel actually got it right. It's true. I'm pulling the levers the entire time, deciding who comes to me and who comes. Some guys they come to the office deny till you die. That's the way I was as a kid. Deny till you die. You got nothing. Prove it. Show me the video. You got nothing on me. Some guys, I'm the spal. They come to the office, they sit down, they go, yep, I did that. I'll be honest with you, I'm very impressed by those guys because it's one thing to make a mistake, but it's another thing to triple down and lie on it. You know what I mean? And that's when you have a fragile sense of self, that's what you do. So Bilham, right away, he goes into the lie. We know this. We know this personality. He goes into the lie. And why does he go into the lie? Because his secret is about to be exposed. I don't want you to know that this donkey and I have a real relationship.

44:58 And this is what happens when you have this. When you have a fragile sense of self, you become deeply ashamed of who you are, and so then you start. I need this animal to fill certain needs, but I'm ashamed that I have these needs, so I'm going to pretend that I don't actually have these needs, and that's the toxic spiral of what happens when you have intimacy without vulnerability. But what always happens is the thing that you don't think has the ability to betray you ultimately betrays you. Bilaam is intimate with his donkey, thinking nobody's ever going to know. But what happens is, eventually, proverbially, the donkey develops a voice. Somehow, that secret you can't keep it a secret forever. At some point, it does come to light. Why? Because when you try to bury your shame, it's like the farther you push it down, you know what you're giving. It's like one of those jack-in-the-boxes, right? They have a lot of features. The user wants to know how much they should charge for their work. So, I need to make sure that the text is cleaned up, but not changed in meaning.

45:53 And so eventually, you're going to be humiliated by the thing that you seek to bury. And that's why in today's generation, I'm the spal that guys can go to a rebbe. I admire these guys tremendously. They can go to a rebbe and say, 'I'm struggling.' It's an unbelievable thing. First of all, it's an unbelievable thing that we have a generation of rebbeim that know to create a safe space for their talmidim to have hard conversations about things that they're deeply ashamed of. Just as much, it's an unbelievable thing about this generation that this generation knows to be vulnerable with Rebbeim and to say, 'Hey, I'm struggling with something,' because when you just give it a voice, give it language. Because if you do that, then it's not going to humiliate you because you're not squelching down your shame. We have a little bit left to do because there's some important, important message. I don't want to stand between the boys and their steaks, but I want to give Binyamin enough time to barbecue. Is he done barbecuing out there?

46:46 Rosh Hashanah is protecting me. Marathon, marathon shmos. Let's move it a little bit. Verse thirty-three. Then what happens? This is another amazing lesson. The donkey says, 'The sorry, vaterani aslam vatelefanai zeal shosh regalim ulai.' Not to some mipanai kiata gam oscha harati va osa hechysi. Is an unbelievable, unbelievable Rashi over here, right? Is an unbelievable Rashi. Let's look at Rashi together for a second. Rashi says as follows: Rashi says, 'You should know the Malach is saying to Bilam, 'I was going to kill you. I won't read the Rashi inside. I was going to kill you, and I was going to spare the donkey.'

47:41 But now that you recognize that the donkey was right and you're making the mussar, says the speaker. Okay, so the problem here is that the malach says we're going to kill the donkey. What's precisely going on over here? Why does the donkey need to die? So there's a famous line from Rashi here: Shechaz hamakom al kavod abrios, because our Kodesh Baruch Hu wants to make sure not to denigrate people. So this is an amazing mussar here, and the mussar goes like this. How do you deal with someone who has a very low sense of self and they're acting out? So very often, the mistake is to try to humiliate this person into change. And the Torah gives us the exact opposite lesson: don't humiliate this person into change. Hold them accountable, but destroy the object of their humiliation. Now I'm very precise with these words because I want you to hear.

48:40 When you hold somebody accountable, when you hold your children accountable, that's a way of expressing love. Accountability actually is an amazing way of telling somebody you're worthy of love and respect. We can have the hard conversation. You did the wrong thing. If you can't have that conversation with somebody, it's actually because you don't respect them. But there's a difference between holding somebody accountable and shaming somebody. You're humiliating them. And so accountability says you did something wrong. But it actually allows for you to do tshuva. Humiliation says you are something wrong, and that's why people who are humiliated can never do tshuva. I want to tell you a maysa Hashgacha pratse. I had a bris this morning. A friend of mine was making a bris, but it was in Dalit Arba. It was like a million miles from my house. Happens to me, my car broke down. A maseir nefesh, good friend. I wanted to be there for him. I went, and I have permission to tell you the story with the name, just so you know I'm not making this up.

49:36 The guy who made the bris, I think he came to yeshiva to speak. Noach Levin, the guy who was the technology speaker, remember that guy? No, that's not him. Noach Levin, he made the bris. His father was at the bris. Rav Margolius was a rav in the neighborhood at the bris. He said to me, "You see that guy, Mr. Levin, meaning Noach Levin's father? So I want to tell you a story about him." He told me the story. I'm going to tell you the story in a second. But I said I have to verify the story. It's such an unbelievable story. I have to verify the story. So I went to Mr. Levin. I verified the story. I said, Mr. Levin, would you mind if I shared the story? I won't say your name. He said, "You can share the story, and you could say my name." So I'm telling you this story with the name. I spoke to the protagonist, the person who is the main character of the story this morning. We're not talking about like I heard a story once, touched by a story, like a story that I heard a million years ago. I'm talking a real story I heard this morning. You ready for this? He came, Mr. Levin came from a family, a Mizrachi family, not a From family. His father had been a Talmud Chacham, but had gone off the derech. His mother sent him at nine years old.

50:34 In I believe it was Providence where he grew up, she sent him to a rabbi's house on a Shabbos afternoon to go learn. He was nine years old. He was a conservative kid. He never knew anything. He said, 'He rang the doorbell, on Shabbos, and the rav came out. The rav came out and started screaming at him for being mechalal Shabbos. And he ran away at nine years old. For sixty years, he would not go into a shul. Isn't that unbelievable? His son was chozer b'tshuva, and then eventually he was chozer b'tshuva. He wouldn't go into shul. He said, 'I have no interest in this. If a rav like that could humiliate me, why would I want anything to do with this?' Even when his wife would go to shul, he would stand outside and be the welcoming community. I don't want to go into a shul because he was humiliated. That's the power of humiliation. You understand? And this rav just I'm sure he just had a bad day.

51:27 It was probably shop this afternoon. Maybe he was taking a nap on the couch. All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. Some nine-year-old kid, and he probably just screamed at. And the kid, I don't even know what happened. The kid felt humiliated, and when you feel humiliated, it destroys you. Humiliation destroys a person. So Hashem says to Bilaam, "You're going to get taicha. The donkey is going to give you taicha." But afterwards, that donkey is going to die because you accepted the taichacha. We don't need you to live in a world now where that donkey is going to be walking around and everyone's going to go. That's the donkey that gave Bilam Musar, because that would be to humiliate somebody. And people do this, by the way. That's why you have people that they love to call you by your old English name. You have people like that. They like, and I love them all. They're my friends.

52:14 Sometimes you have a guy who goes to certain places for Shabbos, and then he comes back to yeshiva with this awkward face on. Rebbe, I have regards for you. It's okay. I know. I see the look on their face. He told me to say, "I hope you're doing well, Matt." And it's like, I don't care. I grew up as Matt Berg. I own it. And first, you know what? Matt Berg is an awesome name. And I only became Mordechai because my Rebbe called me Mordechai. That's the truth. And also because, in my career, I wasn't gonna be Riff Matt. It doesn't work. I'm saying, you can be Riff Ben, you can't be Riff Matt. It's an apostle. It doesn't work very well. It's a little too Christian, even from a Basque. Like, what is your need here? What exactly is your need to remind somebody of their past to keep their humiliation? That's your stuff. That's not the Torah's. The Torah's worldview is we can hold somebody accountable without humiliating them. So a Rebbe can tell a Talmud, you should know that was wrong.

53:13 What you did was wrong, but if the entire class knows you now as the kid who did that, that's humiliation. It's a very fine line. A parent can discipline a child, but if you discipline the child and you keep retelling that story, remember that time that you, then you're humiliating them. A spouse has to be able to raise a painful issue, but you can't let somebody's worst moments become their permanent identity. So Hashem kills the donkey. Why? Because the lesson should live. But not the shame, not the humiliation. In the end, because of Bilam's statement, the answer is no. So the final answer is 135. In the end, because Bilam has this fragile personality, does he actually change? The answer is no. Bilam doesn't actually change, even though, again, this is why Torah Shavah Pez is absolutely critical. Look at the words of the pesukim. It looks like Bilam changes, but he doesn't.

54:02 Verse thirty-four. So Bilam says to the Malach, he says, 'I sinned. I didn't know that you were standing on the road. And if it displeases you, I'll go back.' Now, on the outside, that sounds very from. It sounds like he did complete tshuva. But what does Rashi say? Again, what do we see? He says it's a disgrace for him. Rashi says he was forced to concede the truth that he had no idea of what was going on in Hashem's mind, right? Even though he is a great man, but he is not a good speaker. The main point is that this is a clear example of how the language should be edited according to the rules given.

54:57 And you don't change, and you don't have that deeply rooted sense of self, and you're still that arrogant, greedy, hateful person. That will be your death. And here we come to the very end, pasuk thirty-five. So the Malach says to Bilam, "Go with these men." But whatever I say to you, says Hashem, that's what you're going to speak. And so, Bilaam goes with Balak's dignitaries. Rashi brings from the Gemara in Makos two fundamental lessons. Number one, the derech she'adam rotsaleich molichen. Also, in the way that a person wants to go, that's how they end up going. And number two, ki chalkecha imahem v'sofchal avod mana'olam, because you've decided to go with them, whatever happens to them, that's what's going to happen to you. That's going to happen to you.

55:53 Remember, in the very beginning, where does Bilaam get his sense of external validation from? He gets it from being the guy that Balak calls upon. So you know what Chazal say: if that's where you get your external validation, then that becomes your identity. And if they go down, you go down with them. Now the whole time, remember. Really, Hashem is speaking to Bilaam. Hashem comes to Bilaam. Hashem sends a malach to Bilaam. Hashem opens the mouth of the donkey. He says, "I'll even kill the donkey. I'm not looking to shame you." Really, Akolbish Baruch Hu is giving Bilaam every single chance to return. What's the tragedy of Bilaam? All he could experience here was Hashem's limitation. You can't do this. You're not going to be able to do something unless I tell you to.

56:40 And that limitation, Bilam doesn't understand that as Hashem's love. He understands that as Hashem's rejection. And so ultimately, Bilam doesn't change. And this is what happens in life: when you become so attached to that false self, that becomes your fate. And those ultimately, those powers in the world relative to our Kodesh Baruch Hu, they all fail. Ultimately, whatever is false, if you attach your external sense of validation to that. Ultimately, those things will be washed away, and you will be washed away along with them. The only thing that will last is a healthy sense of self that's deeply attached to Al Kiddush Baruch Hu. That's the only thing that will actually survive in this world. All the other things that you're going to look at for that external sense of validation, the job, whatever it is in your life, that position of honor in the community, you should know all of those things. Ultimately, they will fall, and if you're attached, if your sense of self comes from those things. Ultimately, you'll be invalidated along with those failures.