Transcript
Automatic transcript; may contain mistakes, especially in Hebrew.
This week's question is How do we deal with this new time in our lives with all the Simchas that we go to? As someone who is still dating I'm genuinely B'Simch for my friends and don't feel jealousy, but it's hard to go from Simch to Simch each week Especially if dating isn't easy. How does one approach this in a healthy way? It's such an important question and first of all I want to share with you How impressed I am that you know that this is something that needs to be asked So many people are just repressing their feelings of frustration when it comes to dating, acting as if everything is okay, when in truth it's not. And it's okay to say that you're in pain and it's okay to say that it's difficult to go to a Simch, because you yourself are putting yourself out there to try to find Yer Zivag Hagan so that you can build a Baisneh Bisrael.
And it can be a painful experience. It doesn't mean that you're not happy for your friends. But when you keep putting yourself out there and there's tremendous vulnerability in putting yourself out there and then you're not finding that right person to go and see Yer'hevre dancing at a chassna and being b'simcha for her, of course you're b'simcha, but there is something exceptionally challenging about it. I think the main thing is that a person has to feel their feelings. When a person doesn't feel their feelings, they have to replace those feelings with something else. And that's the beginning of addiction. It's very important to recognize that I'm in pain, and I'm able to say that I'm in pain. It's frustrating to be dating. It's frustrating to put yourself out there. And at the same time, it's our avodah to do it. So what's the secret to feeling our feelings?
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The secret to feeling our feelings is knowing that we have an infinite soul inside of ourselves. Everyone's playing the game of life, spending emotional currency. And so we feel like at some point I just can't do this anymore because I don't have enough left to give. But the problem with that mentality is it's the mentality of the body. The body is weak. The body ultimately will die. It's fragile. And so the body consciousness is I do not have enough. The consciousness of the soul is I am infinite. I can't possibly run out. And so when a person lives with the infinite consciousness of the soul, anything that's going on in their lives is ultimately manageable. Whether it's difficulty in marriage or difficulty in dating, whatever it is, the point is you know when you look inside of yourself, I can handle this. I'm not diminished because of it.
It might be painful, but I have enough inside of myself to feel that pain and not to lose myself. When people go to a state of depression, what they're really saying is, I can't feel this pain. The pain is so overwhelming that I can't possibly hold that pain. Again, I'm not speaking about chemical depression. I'm speaking about millennial depression. Millennial depression is not something that needs to be treated psychiatrically. But it's the regular depression that they spoke about in Chazal that a person, Mamish, feels down and they feel removed. Where does that come from? I am able to hold two conflicting emotions at once. If I am looking at the lens of the soul, I recognize this is painful and I am able to say it is takah painful. So you can go to a simcha and the definition of emotional maturity is being able to hold two conflicting emotions at once.
So you can go to a chassna and you can go to a vart and you can go to a lachayim and you can give your friend a big hug and you can say, I'm so happy for you and you can authentically feel it. And then you can say at the very same time, maybe it won't be out loud because that would be inappropriate but inside of yourself, you can say, it hurts. Because I'm also looking to complete myself and I'm also looking to connect. I'm so ready to find that person in my life. Be'ez rashem, I'm going to find it soon. I'm going to keep putting myself out there. But in the meantime it hurts. You could go to a friend and say, I'm so happy for this friend who got married. At the same time, I'm dreading going to this chassna. Because it's so hard to just keep putting myself out there and putting myself out there. And seeing that some of my friends have been more successful. It's okay to say both. We have to encourage people, especially in today's generation, where addiction is so So prevalent to remember that you have an infinite soul inside of you and that makes you enough.
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