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Gemaran Tainus Lamidamid Beis Says the well-known statement of Chazal: "Kal Hamizavel al Yerushalayim Zayche v'Raya B'Simchasa." Anyone who mourns Yerushalayim will merit to see it in its joy. And as we consider this statement of Chazal, several questions jump out at us. The first question is how could this be true? Certainly, tzaddikim have mourned the destruction of Yerushalayim for thousands of years. And they have not merited to see it rebuilt in their time. And so, what does it mean? Does it mean that Chas v'Shalom, we haven't been mourning the loss of the Beis Hamikdash? And even if you want to suggest that perhaps it's true. That we haven't done so, but certainly we could say with confidence that there have been many yidden in history that have appropriately mourned the loss of the Beis Hamikdash, the loss and destruction of Yerushalayim Eretz Yisrael. So what does it mean? A second question. It's very difficult for us to mourn something that we haven't seen.
So how could Chazal tell us to be misavel al Yerushalayim? My grandmother Aleh Shalom, she passed away from Corona this Pesach. So I can mourn the loss of my grandmother. But I don't mourn the loss of my great grandmother who I never met. So Chazal are telling us to be misavel al Yerushalayim. But for us who have never seen Yerushalayim, for us who never saw the Beis Hamikdash How could we speak about mourning something that was destroyed two thousand years ago? That for so many of us was destroyed thousands of miles away. How could a person tap into that loss? And then there's another question. It seems like we're stuck in the past. If we were progressive. We would be speaking about. Let's focus on the positive. Let's focus on all the things that we have accomplished. Let's talk about all the tremendous chesed that Hakadosh Baruch Hu has done for us.
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And let's talk about what we're going to build in the future. This would be an empowered way of seeing the world. And yet, it seems to be exactly the opposite. We're focused on the destruction of thousands of years ago. I would imagine that a psychologist today Seeing a group of people who are still stuck in the destruction of something thousands of years ago would tell us that we have PTSD. That we're so broken that we can't move on. So what's this message of Chazal that we should be stuck in the past That we should be mourning the destruction of the Beit Hamikdash? And a fourth question: The lashon of the Gemara is not future-oriented. It doesn't say that if we mourn the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash, we will experience simcha in the future. It says we will experience it right now. Kol Hamitzav laYerushalayim Zoyche Vroya B'simcha.
Right now. So how could we experience the simcha of the Beis Hamikdash if we haven't even Seen it rebuilt. It should say, "Kol Hamisavla Yerushalayim Yizkev Yire B'Simchasa," that we will one day see it rebuilt. But it seems like there's a simcha that we could tap into right now If we would be Misavla Yerushalayim. So those are the four questions on this Maimor Chazal And another Maimor Chazal to analyze. We know that Tishah B'av was the day that the Miraglim came back and gave their tragic news. And there was a Bechira. Klal Yisrael cried out And Chazal tell us that Hakadosh Baruch Hu said Today will be a Bechira LeDoris. You want something to cry about? I'll give you something to cry about. This, of course, is very difficult to understand. What does that mean? What is that, Kadosh Baruch Hu, saying? Because we cried Because our Miraglim came and gave us bad news So now, Kadosh Baruch Hu is going to punish us even worse for thousands of years.
Obviously, there's some sort of inner message that's being communicated here But what's the message? What are we supposed to take away from this? So I want to share with you an approach to a psychological structure. There are three stages that a person needs to understand in order to be aware of themselves: their childhood. Their adolescence And ultimately their adulthood. Childhood goes from the ages of zero to seven years old. And that place, that time—the time of childhood—is a time of exceptionally deep Intense and powerful emotions. And so, when we see a child, there's no analytical ability whatsoever. All there is raw emotion. And because it's a time and a place of raw emotion So it is also the place of connection. And so all of the connection that we experience in our lives is rooted in the ages of zero to seven. Because we can experience such incredible joy And because we can experience a depth of sadness in those years, it is also the seat of connection for our entire lives.
Because a child does not have analytical capabilities. The mind acts as a recorder. And they're just recording all of the events that occur in those years. At seven years old This child becomes what's known as the inner child. And we shift into the stage of adolescence. Adolescence ranges from the ages of seven to about eighteen years old. And in the stage of adolescence The adolescent has one job. And that job is self-preservation. It's the job to keep us alive. And so, how does the seven, eight, nine, ten-year-old child know how to keep us alive? From the ages of zero to seven, we had no analytical capabilities, so our mind acted as a recorder. And all of the information that came in was being recorded. In the stage of adolescence The adolescent calls upon that recording to understand what's dangerous in the world. And what's safe.
But the adolescent misconstrues emotions. The adolescent construes intense emotions as death. And therefore, the adolescent works exceptionally hard to make sure that the child does not experience any negative emotions, because it identifies the pain of negative emotions with death. And so the adolescent will learn to numb its pain. How does it numb its pain? This is the beginning of addiction. The adolescent may learn to numb their pain with substances, drugs, and alcohol, or inappropriate relationships, or pornography. But the adolescent can also learn to numb its pain with inappropriate emotional responses. Because there's an energy that's welling up from within the child The adolescent has to suppress that energy, and that's depression. Depression is the suppression of the emotions that the child wants to feel, but the adolescent will not allow the child to feel. And so, in this clash of energy There's a tremendous amount of unfelt emotion beneath the surface.
The truth is, there's something called the ninety second rule And the ninety-second rule tells us. That the mind cannot allow a negative emotion for more than ninety seconds. And so people can spend years of their life depressed. Not allowing the emotion to come to the surface because their adolescent tells them this negative emotion is equivalent to death. And as a result of avoiding ninety seconds worth of pain. They could spend twenty years in depression. When we think about that, that's obviously tremendously sad. Because what happens after the ninety seconds? There's a process called self-soothing. The mind knows how to temper its emotions and how to experience the full range of emotions. And so, if we would only allow ourselves to experience the pain from that inner child. It would pass through us. And on the other side, we'd be able to self-sooth and experience the full range of emotions. And that's something that the adolescent loses.
Because the adolescent is so focused on numbing their pain. The adolescent also numbs joy. Because we can't selectively numb our emotions. Once we begin to numb our emotions. All of our emotions lose that beautiful intensity that we had when we were children. And so when we look at our own children And we see a little three or four or five year old child, we see them crying with such intensity and with such beautiful passion, because all of them is experiencing that emotion And when we see a child joyful A little five-year-old kid at their birthday party, you see their smile. It doesn't just light up their mouth, but it lights up their entire face and their entire body. And it's the most incredible thing to watch because they're experiencing pure, unadulterated joy. Why can't we experience that? We can't experience it because we've chosen to numb our pain.
And in choosing to numb our pain, we've also chosen to numb our joy. And this is where the adult comes in. At around eighteen years old We develop an adult part of ourselves. And that adult enables us to communicate with both our adolescent and our child, and it allows us to distribute the energy of both appropriately. So the energy of the adolescent is thanked. For self-preservation for all of those years But we also dialogue with our adolescent So that they should move over and allow us to experience the full range of the child's emotions. And this is the job of the adult. To keep our self-preservation intact But to experience as an adam shalom all of the emotions that truly come up without numbing the pain. Without using depression or anger or jealousy or resentment or fear or substances like drugs or alcohol or food We allow ourselves to experience the full range of emotions. This is what it means to be a healthy human being.
And with this in mind I'd like to suggest what Chazal were trying to encourage us to do. The truth is that we do not need to invent the pain of the Beis Hamikdash. We don't need to have some sort of external sitting on the floor and reading Kinos and reading Eicha to create within us the feeling of loss and pain. The feeling of loss and pain is natural to every single Jew. It exists inside of us. And if we don't feel that pain, it's not because it doesn't exist. It's because it's so intense. It's because the pain is so raw and so real that we've had no choice but to numb that pain in our lives. And this is a A revolution when thinking about the loss of the Beis Hamikdash. Because so many of us come to this day and they say What do you want me to do?
You want me to sit on the floor? You want me to fast? I'll sit on the floor and I'll fast. You want me to sit a kumsitz? I'll sit a kumsitz and I'll sing sad songs. You want me to read Eicha? I'll read Eicha with that haunting tune. I'll come to Ashir. But don't ask me to shed a tear because how could I shed a tear for something that happened so far away and so long ago? I can't mourn the loss of something I've never experienced. But it's really just the opposite. We're not asking you to mourn the loss of something that you haven't experienced. We are being tasked with mourning the loss of something that we experience every single day, and we avoid those feelings. We do everything we can to numb that pain. And because we have numbed the pain, we have also numbed the joy.
We can't experience life to its fullest. There is something fundamental missing in our lives—a fundamental joy that doesn't exist because we have not tapped into the pain. That exists inside of us. We've chosen to numb that pain. And because we've chosen to numb that pain, because the trauma is so real to us We are not in self. We are not shalom. We are missing something so deeply fundamental to ourselves. And if you want to see the trauma. If you want to see the trauma of the fact that we've lost the Beis Hamikdash, that we've lost Yerushalayim, just look around. Every time we walk around With a sense of assimilation Don't be too Jewish Don't offend anyone. Don't say the thing that's not politically correct. Because Chas v'shalom, you're going to offend someone. Know that that's the trauma of the loss. The nations of the world are standing up today and saying You stole our heritage.
"You took us away from our lands," and they say it with pride. And we don't do the same thing. We get up. Some of us who are misguided Some of us who have celebrity status Get up on podcasts and say, "Look what's happening in Israel today." And they speak disparagingly about us with self-hatred. Because they're ashamed Because they're embarrassed, because they just want to fit in. I myself saw this gift that's going around, of Har Abayus With that golden dome, and there's a gift that's going around On top of it, an image of Har Abayus of Beis Hamikdash is transposed, and I thought to myself. What if this image gets out? What will the nations of the world say as they see our yearning for the rebuilding of the Beis Hamikdash? I caught myself. This is our heritage. This is part of the trauma. It's part of the trauma that we have not experienced the painful emotions, so we sit embarrassed that we want also. Have a place, not just any place, but a place where all of the nations of the world ki he base besi base tefila lechol amim. We yearn to be the center of the universe, from which we are meant to teach God's will to the entire world.
Why should we be embarrassed about that? That's a beautiful thing to desire. That's what we were created for. And the only reason we don't experience it is because we have not processed our pain. Because we don't allow it to come through us Because we're not misavel. We don't recognize what's going on. The tune of Eicha is not meant to create an emotion. It's meant to reveal an emotion. The kinos are not meant to create an emotion. It's meant to reveal an emotion. The fasting is not meant to create an emotion. It's meant to reveal an emotion. This morning, I was sitting on the floor. In my home And my wife was sitting right next to me on the floor. And I thought that I have never sat shiva. And then I thought to myself, "But just a couple of months ago, my mother sat shiva."
And I thought about my grandmother And so much pain welled up inside of me. And even now, as I speak these words The pain is so real that my grandmother passed away alone in a hospital room. With none of her loved ones there. We should have been surrounding her. We should have been like a circle surrounding the queen. As my grandmother passed on And I couldn't go to her levaya because of corona I couldn't even get into America. And even if I could have gotten into America, I couldn't. Have gone because of the rules. And all of this pain that was so real to me, it raised up from within myself, and it was a healing. It was a tremendous time of healing because I allowed myself to experience those emotions. And then I thought to myself How the Rebbei Shlom Is mourning the loss of his Beis Hamikdash.
And I felt a tiny spark of pain. That's all I felt. Just a tiny spark. But that tiny spark is the beginning Of healing. It's the beginning of pain. I'm not a tzaddik that I could sit here bawling my eyes out on Tishah B'av. But I am a person who could feel a small amount of pain The pain that we are misplaced in the world, that we are not doing what Hakadosh Baruch Hu wants us to be doing, which is to truly be experiencing the loss. There's something so exceptionally unnatural about this. The value of mourning our loss is not to live in the past. Had the Rabbah, the value of mourning our loss is so that we can live in the present. The value of mourning the loss is so that we could experience joy right now. So that we could work to be on the opposite side of exile, because on the opposite side of exile is redemption. Just like on the opposite side of pain is joy.
And so Chazal said it perfectly: "Kal Hamizavil al Yerushalayim, Zoyche v'iroya b'simchasa." If you mourn the loss of the Beit Hamikdash right away, even before it's rebuilt, you can begin to experience joy in your life, and that joy comes from the Beis Hamikdash. That joy comes from the deep connection that every one of us has to the Hashras Hashchina in this world. Zoychiviraya, not yizkeviraya. We can't selectively numb And so by experiencing the pain, we can also experience the joy. And of course Of course, there have been sadikim for so many years. That they did successfully tap into the pain And they did successfully tap into the simcha. The Beis Hamikdash is not yet rebuilt, but the simcha that comes from the Beis Hamikdash, the Oz Yomale Sichol Kpino of the future That's already here in the present moment. The present moment contains every moment of the past and every moment in the future. It's Hayah Hayv Vviyeh. Everything is captured right here in this present moment. And so you can tap into that future simcha by experiencing the pain of the loss right now.
And this is perhaps what it means that the Chetim Raglim brought about a bechir and Hakadosh Baruch Hu said, "If there's going to be a crying, there's going to be a bechir ledeirus" Because not every crying is truly experiencing loss. Some crying is numbing our pain. There are some people that cry and say, "Look at me, I'm so emotional. How could you tell me that I'm not experiencing my emotions?" But remember that if you're truly experiencing an emotion, if you sit in the pain and the loss and you mourn So ninety seconds and it passes through you. So if you're constantly crying, it's a sign that perhaps you're not truly experiencing the pain. Perhaps you're using your emotions as a way of numbing the pain. It's like you think you're so sad. Look at me, I'm so depressed. If you were sad, you wouldn't be depressed. Depression is numbing the pain. Sadness is actual pain.
So Hakadosh Baruch Hu said, if you're going to cry, if you're going to avoid the pain that comes with the message of the Miraglim. Then it's going to be a bichil ledayrus. If you numb the pain now, and you teach yourself to numb the pain, then you're going to numb the pain for generations. And our responsibility is to feel our feelings, and that is no small task. To feel our feelings is one of the most difficult human experiences out there. We naturally think to ourselves, 'What do you mean? How is it difficult to feel my feelings? I'm feeling my feelings all the time.' To truly feel your feelings like a child, to sit in that pain, to feel the disappointment, to feel the fear, to feel unworthy, to feel lonely, to feel joyful, to feel exuberant—all of these emotions are so real. And if we teach ourselves to numb our pain, then we're going to do it into the future. It will be a bechil a dairis. Hakadosh Baruch Hu wasn't saying you want something to cry about. He was giving an insight into the nature of our human psychology.
Don't avoid the pain. Have real b'chiyah. Cry because you're scared. Cry because you're afraid, and then recognize that Hakadosh Baruch Hu is there, and He gave us His promise that we would be okay. And tap into that emuna. The entire range of human experiences: feel the sadness, feel the faith, feel the joy. You can't have one without the other. You can't have joy without faith. You can't have faith without exile. They go together fundamentally. I'll share with you a story that I heard about the Lubavitcher Rebbe's Chusah Yagen Aleinu Zecharzadik Levracha, and it's not really a story about the Rebbe. It's actually a story about one of his Chassidim. But there was a Chassid, a Lubavitcher Chassid, that Aleinu couldn't have children. And he was in a terrible tsar His wife was in a terrible state. We don't understand the pain of people that can't have children. It's exceptionally painful.
And every time somebody else is announced that they're pregnant, it's like mamish stabbing them in the heart. And so a chassid asked him, "Have you gone to the rebbe?" And this chassid who couldn't have children said, "No, I haven't gone to the rebbe." And he said, "Why not? Why haven't you gone to the rebbe?" So he said, "What am I going to do?" I'm going to go to the Rebbe and express my pain that I don't have children. The Rebbe is not going to be able to understand me. And this other Chassid was taken aback. He said, 'What do you mean the Rebbe is not going to be able to understand you? It was well known that the Rebbe didn't have children.' So if anyone could understand the pain of this Chassid, it would be the Rebbe, who could commiserate like someone who was experiencing literally the same exact thing.
And so the chassid said, "No, you don't understand. The rebbe can't understand me because he's the rebbe." So since he's the rebbe, he doesn't experience pain. He has such exceptional faith that he doesn't experience his pain. And so for me to go to him and share with him that I'm in such terrible tsar that I can't have children He's not going to be able to understand me. And the chassid responded and he said to him. It's just the opposite. Because he's the Rebbe, because he's the tzaddik that he is He experiences all of his pain. It's not the pshat that an Adam Shalem has so much emuna in their lives that they don't experience pain. The pshat is they have so much emuna in their lives that they experience the full range of their emotions. Their faith tells them that it's okay to feel pain. That pain is not death. That's part of our humanity—that we're meant to find the godly spark within that pain, and emuna comes from pain. You can't have redemption without exile.
And so, an Adam Shalem is somebody who can deeply experience the profound sense of loss, and this is what we are being called upon to do. Kol Hamis Avil al Yerushalayim. You've lost something. I've lost something. It's so hard to feel it, not because it's not real to us, but because it's so real to us. It's like we can't see the beauty of the painting because it's so close in front of our eyes. But if we stepped back for a moment, we would see ourselves in Gullis running after all the Narschkait As, as all of the. As all of the mishigas of this world, as all of the rise in anti-Semitism that's going on today, and we're trying not to pay attention to it because it's so painful for us to pay attention to it. And even if we're calling it out and we're saying, "Look how much anti-Semitism there is in the world"
Yeah, maybe we're calling it out by its name, but we don't allow ourselves to feel the true emotions. At most, we allow ourselves to feel the fear. It's like the Cossacks are coming again, the Nazis are coming again. It's the Spanish Inquisition all over again. But we don't truly process it because it's so exceptionally painful. Because we don't want to admit to ourselves, and even when the riots are mamish right around the corner from us, and they're spray painting anti-Semitic things in our shul, we speak about it with a cognitive dissonance. It's like it's not even happening. Rabbi, it was mamish right around the corner from me. I'm like you, Rabbi Nisholim. It was right around the corner from you. But we experience it with such a sense of dissonance because it's so real to us. The pain has been there for so long that we don't want to admit how real it is to us. And so, if you're feeling disconnected from the day, you should know this: you are extremely connected to today.
And the disconnection is a protection. It's the protection of an adolescent that doesn't feel safe enough in himself, that doesn't have the faith to experience the full range of the emotions of the day. And so, our prayer on this day is Repentishalom. Give me the strength. Give me the kiyach. Give me the emuna in you To experience the full range of my emotions. Allow me to be misavel al Yerushalayim. Allow me to recognize that I'm missing my home. Allow me to recognize that my community is spread al Dalad Kamfay Saretz And we need to be gathered in And brought together. We need to have pride. We need to have pride in your mission, and we need to proudly say that we are chosen to fulfill this mission in this world. Because if we can't experience the pain of the loss of all of those things, then when are we going to experience simcha in our lives? We want to be back by the simchas beis hashoeva. And anyone who saw the simchas beis hashoeva saw true simcha. Because it was the revelation of our kolich baruch hu's presence in this world And that's our tefillah. Rebbeinu Shlom Allow us to experience our loss. So that today we can already experience the simcha of what will be binyan adayad b'mehir. Amen.
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