The 17th of Cheshvan - When You're Afraid of What You Need Most

1:52 So let's say for example a person is hurt, they're in a relationship, they're hurt by the other person, and then they begin to organize their life around no longer being dependent on that person. Being dependent can be scary based on what we experienced, but that doesn't mean that The need for connection has left we still have a need for a deep connection so now we live With an internal conflict part of us longs for the very thing that we're desperately Trying to keep away from as we need to be in a deeply connected relationship and being in A deeply connected relationship can be exceptionally frightening so what do we do in that case and I think if we're being honest with ourselves most of us find ourselves in these situations We become terrified of the very thing that we need and we live in the state of conflict. I need it, I don't want it. I want it, but I can't have it. It's a terrifying roller coaster that we live on. So what are we meant to do in this situation? What does the Torah teach us? And how does that relate, of course, to Cheshvan? Because that's the month that we're in. So the Gemara Rosh Hashanah 11b says, Rev. Liazur Omer says, The Mabul Fullouton The Mabul I know it's now parsha's lechachah I'm sorry that this is really from a week ago but still worth it.

3:16 What day did the Mabul Fullouton Rebbi Eliezer, we pass it on like Rebbi Eliezer, says that it fell out on the 17th of MarCheshvan. So on that date the world experienced water as destruction. Now if you take a look at the Mishnah in Taanis, the Mishnah in Taanis says, Hegiyoshivah As-Sebar MarCheshvan On the 17th of MarCheshvan, if the 17th of MarCheshvan has rolled around, the Lo Yar du Geshamim, and it has not yet begun to reign, ischilu ha'yechidim missanim shalosh tanya. So the Mishnah tells us that at that point we start to fast. Individuals will start to fast to pray for reign. So we have a fascinating thing. On the 17th of Cheshvan the Mabul came, and on the 17th of Cheshvan when water has not yet come, when we're lacking rain, we start to fast and daven for rain. So there's an obvious question here.

4:17 Imagine somebody in their life lived through a devastating flood. And now it's a year later, or five years later, or ten years later, and it's the anniversary of living through that devastating flood. So I would expect that if somebody looked at a clear sky, they would feel relieved. They would feel like this is awesome. There's no water coming down from the sky. And yet what Chazal described is people who are looking up at the sky on the 17th of MarCheshvan and they're deeply concerned. Like where's the rain? So the question is, how does a person begin asking for rain when rain has become associated With Danger

5:57 And he was covered in ash you know as he was running away from the building falling which is crazy and I imagine on September 11th when he looks out and sees a clear sky he would feel a sense of relief and that would make a lot of sense as a world we recognize that the 17th of MarCheshvan was the singest single deadliest day in the history of the world everybody was wiped out except for one family every single person died how is it and obviously Chazal we're very precise here right why Is that we begin to fast on the 17th of MarCheshvan because as we as we begin to encounter the lack of rain specifically on that day we turn towards the skies and recognize that there's a lack so what what message are we meant to be taken over here? So actually there's another name for the word Cheshvan. Cheshvan is also known as the month of bull. Bull. Betvavlamit. Bull.

6:54 It's Yerushalmi at Rosh Hashanah and Yerushalmi says that the month after Ehsanim, which is Tishrei, that month has after it bull. And the Gemara describes, we're not going to get into it right now, all of the different things that happen in the month of bull. The Leaves Start to Fall, It's Autumn, Right? The rain starts to fall and the earth becomes muddy and the animals have to move inside of the house. These are all the things that happen in the month of bull. The Radak has a very interesting note on this month of bull. The Radak in Malachim Aleph 638 says, Why is it called the month of bull? He says v'nikrekein m'nei ha'gesh shemim shemashchilimbo inyam Mabul Why is Cheshvan called the month of bull? Because it's actually from the word Mabul. Meaning the word Mabul carried on for so long that the Babylonians named the name bull because it represented the month of the Mabul, the day that the Mabul started, which was the 17th of Cheshvan, and also the Mabul ended in Cheshvan a year later.

8:05 So, the month of bull, which is the month of Cheshvan, actually comes from the Lushan of Mabul. Now, what happened to the men? Where did it go? Right? Because if it was really after the Mabul, then the month should have been Mabul. There is a mind-blowing, game-changing, life-changing Yalkut Shimoni. The Yalkut Shimoni says as follows. Teshmem kene getar ba'imyom She'athal pi she'nish bahakal dush baruchu Ki mein nawazoz li'athal pik'en memyom b'choshana ha'yu osem ha'yomim osem rosham ba'olam. Ad she'amach slomu uban esbei samiktosh upasgosam memyom. So he explains his follows. In the month of bull, which is the month of Mabul, the Yalkut says it's missing a mem, which corresponds to the 40 days of the Mabul. So it's Mabul minus the Mem which is the 40 days. What happened to that Mem? Hakadosh Baruch Hu Suer I'm never going to bring a Mabul again. But the Ya'aqat says nevertheless every year on the anniversary of those 40 days there would be Osim Roshamba Olam which we're going to discuss what that means but literally it translates it would leave a mark, an imprint.

9:29 What Happened In The World The story of the Migdal Bavel, right? Why were they so afraid that a marble would come? Because the impact of the Mabul was felt on those 40 days. Meaning it was coming and the earth would do something. Again, what would it do? The imprint of the Mabul for those 40 days, the earth felt different. You could sense the Mabul. So for all of those years, from the time of the anniversary of the first marble, first anniversary all the way until the times of the Beis Hamikdash, You would always feel the imprint of the Mabul antosh lo muhammed l'chilta meissam iqdosh And then no longer did that happen Now what is the Yalkut trying to communicate us? I think we can all understand this pretty easily actually but it requires us to do some explaining There's a distinction between an event ending and a person experiencing the event as over When you go through something traumatic, even when it's over, that doesn't mean that you're experiencing it as over.

11:02 I'll share with you. I know this is going to sound funny. I don't know if anyone else here was in Israel on October 7th, on Simchas Torah. This past Simchas Torah, I'm not embarrassed to admit this. October 7th for me was a traumatic event. I can't begin to explain to you what it was like to be here. The rockets were going overhead. The army was calling people to come up. It was mamish akrazi balagan the reports were coming in We didn't know it wasn't like on 9-11 where you could find out right away what was going on We really didn't know what was going on the events it was trickling and slowly the news It was a horrific event, horrific, horrific day And I remember very clearly when we turned on our phones on matzeh semchas Torah And we found out the full extent of what was going on I remember exactly who I was with I remember exactly where I was This year on October 7th, meaning not October 7th, on Samchas Torah, we're back in the same exact place. In Yeshiva, I was in Yeshiva for Samchas Torah three years ago, we're back dancing in the same exact place. And it's literally again, 8 o'clock in the morning, and I was experiencing Vietnam flashbacks.

12:08 I was mamish and looked up to the sky. I remember looking up exactly where I was seeing the Iron Dome take out the rockets overhead. I was literally re-experiencing October 7th. Just because the event is over doesn't mean that that event is not happening within me. This is what happens when people go through trauma. For example, let's say you have the following story. I'm sure this has never happened in any of your marriages, but let's say a husband comes home In that exchange of him giving her a brief answer, she has a narrative about what's going on. And the narrative is not, my husband had a hard day in work, right, and he's preoccupied. The narrative is, here we go again, right? And she narrates this exchange with a meaning that he doesn't carry. In other words, he's just preoccupied. But she's responding to this moment through the lens of history, of what it meant for her to get a brief response.

13:36 Now that doesn't make her interpretation accurate, right? But when the wife, let's say, I'm not saying any one of you would ever do this for sure or not, but let's say a wife would have a large reaction. That's a nice way of saying it. No rebbeits and settlements. Let's say she has a large reaction. And I don't understand why do you give me such curt answers and I I just asked you a simple question right? And the husband and speaking on behalf of husbands not all husbands everywhere but some husbands All of the play you know all over the place in the world we're looking at our wives going What Just Happened? I don't understand what's going on over here and by the way that's if you want to know What's going on inside of your husband's head that's what's going on inside of your husband's Head Right?

14:23 And What Just Happened? I have no idea what just happened now what happened was that you gave her a short answer Now there's a narrative, right? The narrative is that she's holding, which makes sense. Given the history of the wound, she's saying, you just don't care about me. And he's like, how did you get from point A to point B? How did you get from, I gave you a short answer to you don't care about me? Why are you making such a big deal about this? Now, that has its own set of triggers that come along with this. When the wife hears, why are you making such a big deal about this? You can't validate my experience. You can't hold space for me. I only know these words because I married Baruch Hashem for a long time already, right? So what's going on over here, right, is that she's expressing to him, right, what's happening inside of her in that moment, right? Even if this present interaction doesn't mean what she thinks it means, Right? It's speaking to a pain that's very real and that she's carrying. Does that make sense?

15:30 You could just nod your head to let me know if it makes sense. Yeah? Does that make sense? Okay, thanks for coming along with me on that. I appreciate the validation. Yeah? So this is what the Ya'aqat is trying to tell us. An experience can leave Eroshah. Eroshah means an imprint, right? It's not that The world was different for those 40 days. It's that we were different in those 40 days. In those 40 days, the way that we showed up to those 40 days was we felt the imprint of the Mabul On ourselves. We saw it everywhere. We were walking around. We go, it's this was the time of the Mabul. This was the time of the Mabul. It's that recurring narrative in your head that you can't Seem to drop which again makes sense in context right because you're living through even though The world has moved on and history has moved on and the Mabul is over but something within The world and something within myself is still experiencing that pain so what do we do? We Draw conclusions in order to protect ourselves because after we get heard what we do is we In most humans we develop rules and these rules are developed to make sure that we don't get hurt again.

16:47 So here's an example of a rule, if I don't expect anything of my husband I'll never be disappointed by him. If I handle everything myself my husband will never let me down, I'll get on the mail side. If I never let her know how much I actually care, she'll never be able to use it against me. These are, are you familiar with some of these types of rules that we've, thank you for some of the nice gentle smirks, I appreciate it. I'm speaking because we're all human, we're all doing these things, right? We create these rules, and what these rules do is they reduce exposure. Right? In other words, now I'm protected, right? Because I have no expectations, he can't hurt me. If I handle it myself, he'll never let me down. If I don't tell her how much I care, nobody will ever be able to use my love for her against me.

17:36 These rules are actually intelligent. There's a reasonable explanation as to why we develop these rules. They reduce our exposure. But very often what happens is they begin under circumstances in which exposure was really dangerous. They make sense in that particular moment or in that particular relationship at that time. But the challenge is that a rule that started off It was foolish of me to want their approval. I'm never going to allow myself to hope again.

19:10 I'm never going to allow myself to have any hope in this relationship. And there's actually a fair amount of shame that I wanted him so much or that I wanted her so much or that I wanted that approval or that I needed. It's like what was wrong with me that I hoped and what was wrong with me that I wanted somebody else's approval or what was wrong with me that I was dependent upon another person. So what we do is we attempt to remove the need as if being independent proves that we've recovered. You know, so it's like the best example I know of this and this is such a silly example. But have you ever seen little kids go, I don't need any friends. But you don't need friends. That's proof that you're good now. Like, I'm strong enough to not need friends. Friends The same thing as dealing with your pain that's just a way of like showing that you recovered But it's not actually true, right? You never actually recovered and actually what happens Is that need that you have it's actually still there but it often comes out in like these

20:43 Less direct type of forms, right? So let's say I want reassurance, right? So that's a normal Healthy thing to want from our spouse just a little bit of reassurance, right? So but I can't ask for reassurance because I learned that reassurance opens me up to being hurt. So What Do We Do? I'm going to criticize the other person until they prove that they care about me. Rather Than Being... Rather Than... Thank you so much for the kind words. I believe it is a terrific topic. I Appreciate That. Rather Than Saying... I guess I'm just feeling a little unsafe or unsettled in this relationship. I'm not saying time to time if you could let me know that you care, right? Which would be a really normal, beautiful, healthy thing to have in your relationship. But I can't ask for reassurance because somewhere along the line I learned that reassurance is dangerous.

21:36 So what do I do? I criticize and badger and annoy the other person until they prove to me that they care. So I'm still yearning for that same reassurance. Just because you think you amputated that need doesn't mean you actually did. It's just now showing up in the relationship in ways that are much, much less productive. I'll be kind about it. And now the guy is sitting there on the other end going like, why is she criticizing me? Okay, she needs me to chase her. She needs me to tell her how awesome she is. Yeah, but what he really wants and what you really want is to be able to genuinely express, I could use your reassurance. That's a normal thing to want. I say somebody becomes ashamed of wanting attention. So they say, but of course they want attention. And by the way, there's nothing wrong with wanting attention.

22:27 There's a difference between being desperate for somebody's attention and wanting attention. We all want attention. We all want the people that we love to pay attention to us. That's a wonderful thing to have in the relationship. So I want this person to pay attention to me, but I learned somewhere along the line That wanting attention was shameful so now I withdraw from the relationship and I hope in Secret that I'm going to be pursued. So again we're going to have a million examples of this. Let's say a woman wants her husband to notice that she's overwhelmed but she doesn't know how to ask directly because she says if I ask directly for him to notice that I'm overwhelmed Then it doesn't it clearly doesn't matter enough for him to notice without being told. You ever do that to your husbands? If I have to tell you then that's already not enough for me. Right? And it's like wait a second. Wait a second. We can tell people what we need. Right?

23:27 It doesn't necessarily mean that because you told him that you needed him to notice that you were overwhelmed that he wasn't paying attention or that he didn't care. But you ascribed that narrative to him, right? So now what happens? She can't ask directly because that's not good enough, right? So now he finally notice this and he goes, what's wrong? And she goes, nothing. So now he goes, OK, so she declined the conversation. It's over, right? That's from his perspective. And from her perspective, she's expecting him to say, nothing means please keep asking. But how does that work in a relationship? If you turn to your husband and you go nothing, I don't want to talk about it. So your husband goes, okay, well, I took some, you know, marriage course with some therapist and he says, I'm supposed to give my wife space. So now he pulls back and now she's devastated. I didn't want you to give me space. I wanted you to continue to ask me.

24:24 Okay, so the need is still there, right? But you're not getting what you need and he thinks he's doing the right thing by giving you space. Now we've got and you're like seriously, you're just gonna walk away and he's like you just told me nothing You understand read this and spirit understands me. She understood, you know, I'm saying like I always feel like in all of these zooms that we have I just feel like rabbits and spear like she's wise she kind of gets it You know, I mean so like I'm just gonna well I'm gonna rely on rabbits and spear going like this that I'm doing that I'm landing on the mark now From here my backup don't think don't think I'm not paying attention I think we all do this in our own way. We all do this like we want something but we don't know how to ask for it. So now there's two difficulties. She needs support, but she's ashamed or she's afraid to request the support that she needs.

25:13 This is the human version of standing before the sky, needing rain, and not knowing what to do. I don't want to ask for it. Maybe it'll be a flood. But I need rain. But I don't know how to access rain. Do you understand? That's Chazal. We're absolutely brilliant in their understanding of the human condition. We have a trauma, we all have a trauma, we all have a history, there was something that happened. It leaves an imprint on us. We don't know how to stand before the sky when there's a drought and there's no water. And how do we look upwards and say, I'm going to actually ask for what I need, when the last time that I asked for what I needed, it killed me. And it destroyed everything. That is the condition that we find ourselves in in M'r Cheshvan. So what is the Torah's answer to this? The Torah's answer to this, and this is absolutely beyond brilliant, is the building of the Beyseh HaMikdash.

26:21 The building of the Beyseh HaMikdash, one shlom ha melech, built the Beyseh HaMikdash, everything changed. What was it about building the Beyseh HaMikdash that changed so fundamentally the human condition? And that's because that's what the Each person who knows the affliction of his own heart and he spreads his hands towards this house. We're going to go through that puzzle very carefully to break it down. We'll start off with Asher Yeidun Ish Nega Levavo. Each person knows the affliction of his own heart. The first challenge is very often we don't know what's actually hurting inside of us. I know that I'm angry I know that you ever have those days where like everyone is irritating? You ever call a friend and go why is it that all human beings are irritating today? What happened today that all human beings flipped the on switch of irritating? Of course none of them switched the on switch we switched the on switch we're in a place Where somehow everything is rubbing up against us and nothing is okay, right?

27:55 So it's this like very specific pain but we don't know where it's coming from and it remains unnamed. And remember if you name it you can tame it. But if you don't name the pain, when the pain remains vague, it starts to generalize. It starts to spread across everything. Every interaction is just like nobody cares. Nobody cares about me. And then very real stories will emerge. So we say, yeah, I'm just useful to everybody but nobody actually cares to know me. I'm just used by everyone in my family. That's like a mom and dad thing to say, right? Like dads go, all I am is a bank. You ever hear your husbands do that line? All I am is a bank. And moms go, all I am is the maid of this house. I'm just facilitating for everybody else. I'm an Uber driver. You start giving the laundry list of things that you do. I'm I'm an Uber driver every morning and I'm a personal chef before that.

28:57 And then I go to work and you start giving me... I do everything for everybody but nobody cares to know anything about me. Or maybe we're frightened by the fact that our children are growing up and they're growing older and maybe they're growing away from me. And that's really scary as a parent. Or maybe I needed some recognition that I wasn't getting underneath the surface. Underneath the surface, things are really happening. The first work is to name the particular hurt that makes a truthful conversation possible. So going to your husband and saying, when I told you how difficult of a day I had today, and then you immediately changed to the subject, I felt very alone. That saying I felt very alone doesn't solve anything, but it actually tells us where we begin because we're not having a conversation about our day. We're having a conversation about the feeling of aloneness.

30:05 So the first thing that Shlomo Hamel said is Shlomo Hamel said by the inauguration of the Beis Hamikdash, to come to the Beis Hamikdash means to come with a deep understanding of what's going on inside of your heart. To be able to identify this is the feeling that I'm having I was feeling alone it wasn't about What happened in my day it was the feeling of a lowness that I was carrying when you changed The subject right the next thing the pasak says this is step two the next thing the pasak says Uparas kapav the next thing is and you spread your hands what is spreading your hands mean Inwardly, I now know what I'm feeling, and now I'm moving from that inward recognition, and I'm spreading my hands, I'm reaching. I'm reaching. That's big. To move your hands, to spread your hands, I'm reaching for something.

31:02 Now there's vulnerability in that reach, right? Because what that reach is, is allowing our needs to enter back into the relationship, right? It's honestly much, much, much easier to stay silent because if I stay quiet, nobody's going to hurt me. Because they can only respond to me if I actually talk about what's going on in my inner world. And once I talk about what's going on in my inner world, I'm exposing myself. So the reach here is very important to be able to come to the Beis HaMikdash, to recognize

32:10 The very real pain that I'm in and then to take that pain and move outwards there's a recognition I'm reaching back right we call that a bid for connection right I'm reaching back and I want to deeply participate in this relationship in a new way yeah and then the final the final start the final part is el ha'baye s'a'za where do you bring that pain the pain is brought into an established relationship with Hashem Home With Hashem is the one place that we can always turn. And here's the big line for the Sheer, the pain does not stop until you give that pain a place, not just any place, a base on mikdash type of space in your life to go. So what would that look like in a human relationship? Let's say, you said, I can hear that this affected you so deeply, even though I experienced it differently I see that this really impacted you very deeply right like to be able to yes john got me with The bids very good avivi right to be able to say right that I can receive your pain without I don't have to agree with your conclusions right you have your conclusions those conclusions Belong to you but I can be a place to hold your pain imagine a husband who does that for For his wife right and he says I want you to bring your pain into this relationship.

33:44 So the woman now knows the real pain that's going on underneath the surface. She reaches she's willing to bring herself back into this relationship. Her needs back into the relationship. Her pain back into the relationship. And now she says to her husband this thing that you did it hurt me. Right What Do We Want? What's The Safe Space? What's that Beis Hamikdash type of space? The Beis Hamikdash Space is when he says, I can receive your pain. I don't have to agree with you, but your pain is real. Your pain is valid. What happens in a relationship like that? The relationship becomes more ne'emun. It becomes more trustworthy. Right? Because it's making room for someone else's experience without losing my reality. And as my reality belongs to me I have my reality but I have enough space inside of myself to Hear yours and if in fact there's something that I need to be held accountable for, then Yeah I'll apologize and I'll say you're right I messed that one up that was on me I'm sorry I'll try to do better right but this that's actually like a much later step just knowing

35:27 You're still going to have that triggered reaction, right? But what it does tell us is a meaningful change in the relationship has occurred, right? When I experience pain my significant other stands alongside of me ready to hold it and what happens when you have that space the imprint starts to diminish So why is it called the month of bull? It's called the month of bull because from the time of the Mabul until the time of the base of mikdash There was no space for our pain But when Hashem showed up Quote unquote in self right Hashem being the ultimate self when Hashem shows up and he says Let's talk about what's really happening named the actual pain reach back towards me Behold me, share with me the pain, bring it into this relationship. Al abiyyaz zazat, bring it into this relationship. After that what happens?

36:22 The next year when the time of the Mabul comes around we're not having that same traumatic response. Because there was a place for our pain to go and the pain became more bearable. And that's how the month of bull got its name. This is the month where we turn towards Hashem, we name the pain that's actually going on in our lives, and we bring it in him to let go of the traumatic response that's happening on the inside. This is the depth of that Mishnah and Taanis that we mentioned in the very beginning. It comes the 17th of MarCheshvan, and now what do we do? It's not raining and now we start tadaven we start tadaven what you mean? Didn't the water Kill you? What happened to that? So Rashi and bereishas chapter 7 verse 12 tells us that Initially the rain had the possibility of becoming the gishmeh bracha in the times of the Mabul If they would have done teshuva the rain that would have fallen would have been gishmeh Chazal says that the astrology at that time was the same exact astrology as the time of Matantorah.

37:38 Meaning if they would have done teshuva, the rain would have come into the world as Torah itself because they didn't do teshuva, so how did the rain come down? The rain came down as destruction. So what's interesting according to this Rashi is that the category water is very broad. We don't know what water means. Water could nourish the entire world, water could become Tyra, or water could destroy. The category itself is meaningless. Just like for example, let's take closeness. Closeness means different things to different people. One parent could say, I'm very close with my child and what they mean is I'm attentive and attuned to my child's emotional state. But of course my child is my child separate and other than me. But another parent, they call it closeness and what they mean is helicopter parenting. Now both of them describe themselves as, what do you mean I'm very close to my children, I'm very involved in my kids' lives.

38:49 The Child's Experience of that closeness could be very very different, right? Because a person who grew up with like an intrusive type of parent may then later on hear from someone, I want to be close to you. And it'll be like a threat to their independence because when my mom said she wanted to be close to me, it meant that I never was able to exist as a separate being, right? So, his experience of closeness, right, means I want to be close, sure, right, but I need to be able to be myself. So the key here is when we speak about proper measure, right, something being in its proper measure, that doesn't mean quantity. It's not like 10 is too much, 1 is too little, let's be at a 5, right? In a case like this, the proper measure of closeness is do I have a voice in the relationship?

39:42 Am I allowed to say something that's too much? Because when I was a kid and I said something that was too much, my parents were not okay with it. Am I allowed to disagree without losing your affection? Because in my life growing up when I disagreed with someone, that was it. They cut me off and I didn't have that relationship anymore. So the richer definition of trustworthy connection, which is that space of the Beis Hamikdash, that trustworthy connection, Is we're not asking people to ignore their history we're not asking people to unlearn all the things that you've learned right but what we're asking people is to really be precise to really be able to discern what actually happened right so let's say for example let's take the following case Let's say you shared a difficulty with a friend. Let's say you shared with your friend something challenging with one of your kids.

40:36 And that friend immediately gives you advice. And now you notice yourself like pulling back and becoming like very quiet. But the friend, she's very emotionally attuned. So she says to you, I think I might have moved too quickly into giving advice. Did you just need me to listen? That's a really good friend. So what happened in that moment where she said that? There was a misattunement, but it was noticed and repaired. So the relationship doesn't require to pretend that I was unaffected. It did affect me when you went straight into advice. It did affect me. Right? But I also noticed that you were very quick to notice that I had pulled back and that you gave me space to be able to recognize that I did need you just to listen to me and you created a space for me to share that with you.

41:29 Over time, experiences like that give a person reasons to reconsider that old protective rule. The rule that says don't trust people when you have those positive interactions of, I think I moved too quickly, did you need me to listen? It doesn't mean that your fear is gone, but that fear is no longer in the driver's seat. And now I can actually be more precise and I can be more discerning. In the past I wasn't Allowed to say something. In this relationship I am. So that old protective rule doesn't need To protect me anymore. And this is what's going on on the 17th of Cheshvan. That same date It carries with it the imprint of the Mabul, the imprint of the destruction. But it also So, right, and we're not erasing the past, but the past does not mean that that's the only thing that this particular date means.

42:29 The 17th of Cheshvan carries with it multiple possibilities. We can choose to remember the model, right, or we can choose to say the field still needs rain, right. So if something hurts, we can acknowledge it and we can make a repair. It doesn't stop us from saying wait a second I still need rain Rain wasn't the problem rain wasn't the problem but it was the type Of rain that particular rain was the problem and so that's where the healing begins on the Seventeenth of Cheshvan right which is what we're coming to right so on the seventeenth of Cheshvan, we can recognize that not every relationship is dangerous. And just because there's one thing wrong in this relationship or challenging in this relationship doesn't mean the entire relationship is over. So I see we have a question here on the chat, what if the container is not always able to hold my feelings? And that brings up, yeah, it's like retraumatizing to be vulnerable without that containment. And it's very hard to take Take the risk that's a really beautiful question.

43:36 And that's a relationship that requires some repair clearly. And that's a relationship that needs to have some... Again, I'm not getting into the specifics of what that process would look like. But It's True. In that relationship I'm going to pull back because that old protected rule is still protecting Me. But that doesn't mean every relationship is like that. It doesn't mean every interaction in that relationship is like that. And that particular part of the relationship needs its repair. And that's what happens on the 17th of Cheshvan. We can say, just because it's the 17th of Cheshvan doesn't mean I'm going to be destroyed. I still have a need for water. I want to access that water in a new way. Wishing everyone a meaningful remainder of your Cheshvan and Bez Hashem. We are going to be Zocha to have the inauguration of the Bezamiktash, which will give us a safe space to be able to contain our experience.